Posts Tagged ‘Mike Moulton’

Limerick-Off Award (292)

Saturday, February 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m skinny, a virtual rail,
And I tip one-fifteen on the scale.
People say, “You should eat!
Try some wholesome white meat!”
But at chicken and turkey I quail.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Winter Olympics-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The judge from each country inspects
Every move that the couple selects
For their dance on the ice.
So they heed this advice:
You can win if you simulate sex.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Bob Dvorak, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Nancy Stanley, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Scott Crowder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIL/DERAIL RHYME DIVISION)

Craig Dykstra:

Please forgive me a bit while I rail
’Bout this nasty new veggie called kale.
But I cook mine in oil,
So it takes much less toil
To scrape from the pan to the pail.

Sue Dulley:

A towel may hang on a rail.
A picture may hang on a nail.
When you’re in your car
Driving home from the bar,
A police car may hang on your tail.

Brian Allgar:

On a windy day, out for a sail,
The Donald fell over the rail.
Well, the sharks came to sniff,
But they all took one whiff
And then fled from this foul-smelling whale.

Craig Dykstra:

He got caught making love with a male
And got run out of town on a rail.
Their affair was taboo,
But what else can you do
When in love with a poodle named Dale?

Bob Dvorak:

They don’t do “it” while traveling by rail,
Nor on airplanes, nor under a sail.
Says the woman, with woe,
“In and out? To and fro?
Proper motion gets lost in the male.”

Mike Moulton:

Donald Trump likes to rant and to rail
’Bout UrAsia’s uranium sale,
But it’s simply bad acting
In hopes of distracting
His base with another tall tale.

Sharon Neeman:

Allow me a moment to rail:
Doritos is way off the trail.
Launching quieter chips
For the ladies’ sweet lips
Is a sexist, predictable fail.

Nancy Stanley:

Yes, we’re all getting used to the tale:
The Prez thinks he’s SO ‘Alpha Male.’
But from his tweeting fingers,
There’s no doubt that lingers;
His crazy train’s gonna derail.

Dave Johnson:

When hiking, we know of a trail
So steep, they provided a rail.
It’s handy and nice;
Such a thoughtful device,
If you hate sliding down on your tail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER OLYMPICS LIMERICK DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

The officials won’t cut any slack;
If you cheat, you’ll be catching some flack.
You’re a dope if you dope
And you haven’t a hope.
And your medal? Well, nope, give it back!

Scott Crowder:

The skaters will glide on the ice,
Routines well-rehearsed and precise,
And we shall embrace,
All the beauty and grace.
Yet, ev’ry four years will suffice.

Sharon Neeman:

Here’s a Winter O. sports list for me:
Drinking contests — hot chocolate and tea;
Carpool driving in hail;
Dash through snow for the mail;
Pairs of socks worn at once (I’ve scored three!)

Tim James:

The Olympic to-do won’t abate;
To the hype, though, I just can’t relate.
They can luge, sled and ski,
But it means naught to me.
When it comes on the telly, I skate.

Sue Dulley’s Slopestyle:

Your snowboard must glide down a rail
And then over a cliff-edge you sail.
With your mitt you must grip
Your board’s edge; spin and flip,
Neatly land without fail, then exhale.

Dave Johnson:

Last winter and how it was spent:
The snow always came – never went.
Our shovels we’d fill,
But the driveway was still
A downhill Olympic event.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (291)

Saturday, February 3rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

If I thought I might want to expend
Tons of cash on a porn star, I’d fend
Off that notion tout de suite.
By my wife I’d get beat,
And on Twitter I’d doubtlessly trend.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Impatience-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You buttonhole me in the queue
And boast of the wonders of you —
But frankly, my dear,
I’m in no mood to hear,
For I’m dying to go to the loo.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Gary Henderson, David Reddekopp, Michael Moulton, Kirk Miller, Perry Plouff, Brian Allgar, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PENNED” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

He told her he had to expend
Some “quality time” with a friend.
Her answer was snide:
“Were you staying inside,
Then falling asleep in the end?”

Sharon Neeman:

“He’s a writer,” you say of your… “friend” —
But what has he actually penned?
You clothe him and feed him
And think that you need him.
He’s mooching! Wise up! Make it end!

Gary Henderson:

The Donald asked Stormy to bend,
And to lift up her ample rear end.
“I’ll be happy to try,”
She said with a sigh,
“Once you take off that yellow Depend.”

David Reddekopp:

So now that I’m older, I tend
To lose my shit, out my rear end.
And since there’s a chance
That I’ll poop in my pants,
That means on Depends I depend.

Mike Moulton:

Donald Trump, from the tweets that you’ve penned,
It is clear you think Putin’s our friend.
When he hacked our election,
He got an erection,
And we all get screwed in the end.

Kirk Miller:

Read a book Chubby Checker had penned,
Recommended to me by a friend.
It’s a mystery, so
I suppose you should know
That the book has a twist at the end.

Perry Plouff:

And so now I’m obliged to defend
All the poems I never have penned.
I can’t think of a rhyme
For the rhyme word this time,
So my rhyming is now at an end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (IMPATIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

This tailgater thought he could say:
“Hey buddy, get outta my way!”
My foot disagreed;
An appropriate speed
Is causing him further delay.

Brian Allgar:

The voters impatiently wait
For their country again to be great.
But despite what Trump said,
It’s a shithole instead –
If you vote for shit, shit is your fate.

David Reddekopp:

They’re taking their time, and I worry
Whose favor do I have to curry?
I would hate to be late
For my date – I can’t wait!
O God, grant me patience, but hurry!

Tim James:

For the mafia doc things are bleak,
And he’s now in a high state of pique.
It’s the local D.A.’s
That have caused this malaise:
They’ve been trying his patients all week.

Dave Johnson:

“Get going!” he yells at the cars;
“What’s taking so long?” in the bars.
If the future were here,
He’d probably sneer:
“Too slow!” on a shuttle to Mars.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (289)

Saturday, January 6th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:

If you’ve heard this before, just say “Stop!” —
How my auntie once bested a cop:
He spotted Aunt Esther
And said he’d arrest her.
“What for? That’s just tools from my shop.”

“Those crowbars? I’ll give you a fine.”
“Then I’ll say that you raped me, you swine!”
“I did not! That’s not fair!”
“Well, your… tool… is right there,
Just the same as you said about mine.”

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Special CELEBRATION-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:

David Reddekopp:

I decided that I’d take a chance;
In an effort to try to enhance
The amount of good cheer
To ring in the new year,
I put mistletoe into my pants.

Though my actions were bold and quite brash,
No one noticed or batted a lash.
I had little to show
From that damn mistletoe;
Just a rather embarrassing rash.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A woman would strictly define
All her beaus by their phallic design.
If the size of their stuff
Wasn’t quite up to snuff,
“Where’s the beef?” was her withering line.

Brian Allgar:

“Let’s go down to my cellar.” “Divine,”
Said the bimbo. “I love tasting wine,
But there’s one tricky bit –
Should I swallow or spit?”
“For this tasting,” he said, “both are fine.”

Fred Bortz: (who sends his apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary.)

A racehorse named Stewball drank wine.
He was thirty-to-one on the line.
I’m a jailbird today,
’Cause I bet on the bay–
Thirty days, since I can’t pay the fine.

I’m confined to a cell that’s quite narrow,
Where I’m chilled all the way to my marrow.
I’d be free as a bird
Had I heeded the word
Of Travers and Stookey and Yarrow.

Kirk Miller:

Every limerick isn’t complete
’Til its rhythm conforms to a beat,
So that every line
Has a cadence that’s fine.
All the writers must think on their feet.

David Reddekopp:

For all of my life, I will pine
For a girl with a body that’s fine
And some junk in her trunk;
I like girls who have spunk –
But of course, I prefer that it’s mine.

Suzanne Heymann:

Donald’s brain is a bit of a mystery.
It’s unbalanced, bizarre, bleak and blistery.
So, preserve it in brine
As a way to confine
The most backward bloodline in our history.

Mike Moulton:

A woman thought things would be fine,
If she just plucked one fruit from a vine,
But when biting in haste,
A worm was displaced
Who said, “Hey sweetheart, this one is mine.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CELEBRATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

For Jews, celebrations are sweet,
With a theme that will leave us replete:
“Though our enemies tried
To commit genocide,
Yet they failed; we prevailed. Now let’s eat!”

Brian Allgar:

Celebrations are called for today!
Though I’m ill every year, let me say
Through my coughing and sneezing
And choking and wheezing,
Fucking Christmas is one year away!

Dave Johnson:

The naturist party was planned,
Including a hot, local band.
Engaging and loud,
They were dressed like the crowd;
So dancers would know where they stand.

Tim James:

We will celebrate soon ― this is true ―
Thirty years since we both said “I do.”
What’s the secret? I say:
Just be kind ev’ry day.
(Giving choc’late works really well too.)

Dave Johnson:

At a New Year’s Eve party, her glance
Was the start of their torrid romance.
Obsessed through and through,
They would happily screw
On a surfboard, if given the chance.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (273)

Saturday, March 18th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a “Bust” limerick and a Confusion-themed limerick. Brian calls it Donald’s Dilemma:

“It’s confusing when driven by lust,
And choosing just leaves me non-plussed.
Is it tits I should hold,
Or go straight for the gold?
My dilemma – Grab pussy, or bust.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Confusion-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

March 11th, when going to bed,
Do I set the clock back, or ahead?
It’s confusing as hell —
But I’ve solved it quite well:
Throw the clock out the window instead!

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick saga, which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Suzanne swears it’s a true story.)

When my sister (the eldest) was born,
From the birth my poor mother was worn.
Doctor spanked the babe’s bum,
Checked her health, and then some—
Got returned to her mum the same morn.

When she lifted the blanket to feed her,
The feelings of shock did stampede her;
A boy was inside!
My poor mum almost died,
As the nurses had tried to mislead her.

The confusion and screams that would follow
Were much more than the woman could swallow.
The real babe they did bring
To which Momma did cling,
Their apologies ringing quite hollow.

Well, my mum and the nurses conversed,
Then in laughter together immersed;
Any punishment draped
On the nurses escaped
’Cause that day – it was April the first!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Mike Moulton, Sue Dulley, Kathleen Bartoletti, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz:

Two teens, so confused by their lust,
Feel desire where once was disgust.
Their organs a-tingle,
They meld and they mingle.
(It started when she grew a bust.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUST/BUSSED/ROBUST” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The stripper believed it unjust
That her gin joint was raided. It must
Have been something to see:
She’s a 42-D,
And the cops thought it quite a good bust.

David Reddekopp:

His regime fills us all with disgust,
And when we resist, as we must,
Then Trump’s all a-twitter;
He’s boorish and bitter.
That blowhard’s about to combust.

Sharon Neeman:

Oh I’m terribly piqued and upset!
We were shopping, and I asked Jeannette,
“Does this flatter my bust?”
She replied with disgust,
“Well… flatter, it just couldn’t get.”

Ken Gosse:

Such a robust bust had to be bussed.
Long before she arrived it was thrust
Like the bow of a ship
On a very long trip;
With Leviathan ribs it was trussed.

Suzanne Heymann:

At a pool, where the D-cups are brimmin’,
The men cannot focus on swimmin’.
As they ogle each bust,
Something grows and they lust
Behind speedos, disgusting the women.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker was very robust,
And would bonk them with thrust after thrust.
Then, with knot-maker’s science,
She’d tie up her clients
And rob them. Her street-name? “Miss Trussed.”

Mike Moulton:

Said Pence, “The assertion’s a bust
That a wall on the border’s a must.
Any wall that we phase-in
Will keep all the gays in,
Which is something we haven’t discussed.”

Sue Dulley:

In my mother’s youth, life was unjust.
Three measurements, hips, waist and bust
Were called Vital Statistics;
These characteristics
Could generate lust or disgust.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

“He cried, “I must fondle your bust!”
She replied, “if you must, then you must.”
As he reached out, expectant,
She sprayed disinfectant.
He fled, both in pain and disgust.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

His fans have a weird sense of mirth;
They cheer as he slashes their worth.
Confusing? Try this:
If ign’rance is bliss,
They’re the happiest people on earth.

Tim James, for his “Wire Tapp Crapp”

There was never much doubt. Now we’re sure
Kellyanne and Sean’s motives are pure.
Their prime occupation:
Complete obfuscation.
It’s years since I’ve seen such manure.

Dave Johnson:

Having met in a line at the store,
They went up to her place for some more.
The night was sublime
Till that moment in time
When he asked, “Have I been here before?”

Diane Groothuis:

An Irishman people called Mick
Was really incredibly thick,
And confused most of all
By three spades ’gainst a wall,
When they told him to go take his pick.

Byron Ives:

If you vow you won’t cuss, did you swear?
Two Bartletts, are they not a pair?
If your pants become torn
Is it ’cause they’re well worn?
If the bus costs you more is it fare?

Is an athlete from France called a jacques?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
If, with no arms, you’re born,
Would you still enjoy porn?
Is a tube filled with gooey stuff, caulk?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (271)

Sunday, February 19th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Will T. Laughlin:

There’s a fellow I met in the street
Whose phrasebook’s a tad incomplete.
When he comes up to greet you
And say, “Pleased to meet you…”
It comes out: “I pleasure your meat!”

I tried to correct the man — twice —
But he just wouldn’t heed my advice.
“PLEASED. TO. MEET. YOU.” I said;
He just nodded his head,
And continued: “Your meat, it is nice!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Battle of the Sexes-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

They met at the Amazon store;
Excited, she opted for more.
But later that night
As she reached for the light,
Alexa yelled “Show him the door!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

His guests felt the welcoming heat
Of the barbecue. “What will we eat?
“Kebabs!” Vlad would jest
While impaling each guest,
For they were supplying the meat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Michael Moulton, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, and Sharon Neeman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICKS)

David Reddekopp:

A father was trying to cheat,
So his wife had some justice to mete.
The next day, the news read,
“Deadbeat Dad is Beat Dead.”
For her crime, an electrified seat.

Richard Campbell:

On 2/10, if we happen to meet,
And I find you both sexy and sweet,
I’ll not call right away,
So I don’t have to pay
For a big-ticket Valentine’s treat.

Dave Johnson:

A butcher named Bud thinks he’s neat;
That women just fall at his feet.
But he found out from Jill
That without his blue pill,
There’s no market for Bud’s boneless meat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

At a long-distance runners retreat,
They discussed how to win every meet.
Finish first (Boy, oh Boy!)–
That’s victorious joy.
If you’re last, there’s the pain of de-feet.

Mike Moulton:

Did Trump and his match finally meet
When a judge without missing a beat,
Said, “Your ban is now void.
If that leaves you annoyed,
Then knock yourself out with a tweet.”

Brian Allgar, in which Titus Andronicus invites the Empress Tamora to dinner:

“Can’t resist, though my diet forbids,”
Said Tamora, “those puff-pastry lids,
And your pies are so sweet,
With such fresh, tender meat . . .”
He explained they contained her own kids.

Marty Gerendasy:

A lass with a smile oh so sweet
Sold her “wares” to each guy that she’d meet.
But her efforts soon failed
And she found herself jailed.
Never mess with a cop on the beat!

Suzanne Heymann:

The grocery chain called to greet
The new meat vendor, just down the street.
Now the payment’s complete
Per the butcher’s receipt,
So he’ll mete out the meat when they meet.

Fred Bortz:

The President said in a tweet
“When Vladimir comes for a meet,
Flynn and I will be gushin’.
We love all things Russian
Like borscht, whether cabbage or beet.”

That story’s, of course, incomplete.
Flynn’s now gone from his comfortable seat,
And Spicer, that worm,
Has to spin it and squirm
While the press holds his feet to the heat.

I wish I could say this is sweet,
But revenge is not always a treat.
There’s no joy, I confess,
When our country’s a mess.
We’re living the pain of defeat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Richard Campbell:

On Twitter, he’d woo and he’d ply ’er
With promises — things he would buy ’er.
But now that they’ve met,
She’s beset with regret.
It’s quite clear he’s a lecherous liar!

Dave Johnson:

While texting an amorous friend,
She shouldn’t have quickly hit “send.”
Because autofill wrote
That he looked like a goat
Which, alas, may have started the end.

Sharon Neeman:

She may well have invented the spark
That woke the world out of the dark,
But although she’s gone far,
Men still look at her car
And assume she can’t parallel park.

Dave Johnson:

A couple quite often would fight
In the morning, or later at night.
With no cuddles or pecks,
The one mention of sex:
“Screw you” as she turned out the light.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (151)

Sunday, February 9th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow had made quite a scene
In the bath with his girlfriend Nadine.
After hot, soapy thrashing
Away he was dashing.
He dumped her, and got away clean.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

On the animal husbandry scene
(Where bionics is all but routine),
A zebu was bred
To an aurochs, which led
To the very first zerochs machine.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kevin Ahern, Kirk Miller, Chris Doyle, Michael Moulton, Byron Ives, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

The diners were making a scene
‘Bout a fly in their fish soup tureen.
I can understand why:
It’s a Bluebottle fly,
And with fish soup, you always serve Green.

Kevin Ahern:

The zaniest thing that I’ve seen
Was something I saw through the screen.
She got lots of buzz.
The reason? Because…
She was a true comb humming queen.

Kirk Miller:

It is hard, as I’m sure you have seen,
To decipher and know what words mean.
There’s a word that I know
Which means “hide,” also “show,”
Contradictory meanings of “screen.”

Chris Doyle:

A leatherneck dad made a scene,
Blew his gasket and vented his spleen,
When his son, home on leave
From the Corps Christmas Eve,
Donned a dress colored aquamarine.

Mike Moulton:

In New Jersey there was a great scene
As the Seahawk’s defensive routine
Behind Pete Carroll’s brains
Closed more passing lanes
Than Chris Christie’s traffic machine.

Byron Ives:

The TSA agent on scene
Was ogling the x-ray machine:
Saw a ring in her nose,
Some bling on her toes,
And two bouncy gems in between.

Brian Allgar:

The Poet was making a scene:
“There’s a corpse in my best Hippocrene!
What lunatic swine
Could have drowned in my wine?”
Grumbled Keats, “He’s a true Gadarene!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (150)

Sunday, February 2nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A baker went into the red
When his payroll costs came to a head:
“I pay Dad and my brother,
Three aunts and my mother!”
It seems his whole fam’ly’s inbread.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My limerick turned my face red
As lascivious thoughts filled my head.
I’m sure you’d be fonder
Of my double entendre
If I dared to reveal what it said.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Johanna Richmond, Michael Moulton, Robert Schechter, Jim Delaney, Tim James, Sallie McKenna, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

A newspaper article read:
In his home, a cartoonist found dead.
Cops will try to find out
How his death came about.
All the details are sketchy, they said.

Johanna Richmond:

My computer was sure it had read
The prime booty for which my heart bled.
So to prove that thing wrong
I spent days searching “thong,”
Then bought white cotton panties instead.

Mike Moulton:

A chicken with plumage bright red
Tried to charm all the hens in a shed.
He said, “I’m a great cock.”
But the rest of the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Robert Schechter:

Most poets write “Roses are red,”
But I started my love poem instead
“A rose is chartreuse,”
Which is why, I deduce,
I never did get her in bed.

Jim Delaney:

A gal who was very well-read
Tried to tempt a young man to her bed.
But such culture can do less
When Emma is Clueless,
And boys watch the movie instead.

Tim James:

A woman was very well-read
And her topic of choice was sex ed.
“Dr. Kinsey’s her guide,”
Beamed her man, grinning wide.
“She just Masters my Johnson,” he said.

Sallie McKenna:

Old fashioned, she always wore red,
Said it kept her from being well bred;
With Tom, Dick, or Harry
The red kept her chary.
Her “stop” won’t go “green” till she’s wed!

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The canvass was totally red.
“It’s genius!” the art critic said.
How could we agree
When all we could see
Looked the same when we stood on our head?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (113)

Saturday, May 11th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Peter dates an old lady who trips
When she hears Gladys Knight and the Pips;
And knowing he’s scored
When she shouts “All aboard!”
Peter prays that her Poligrip grips.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who win the Special Mother’s Day-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On Mom’s Day she’ll act mild and meek,
But I know that before I can speak
She’ll say “Thanks for the call.”
Then she’ll make me feel small
With “Your brother phones two times a week.”

Congratulations to Mike Moulton, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A hippie who took lots of trips
With reality came not to grips,
As the acid he tried
Left his brain nearly fried
And subject to memory slips.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award, occasionally given to a very clever puzzle in limerick form:

Here’s a puzzle for taking on trips:
At a fork, the path rises or dips.
Pick the one you should take
To arrive at the lake.
In verse two I’ll supply you with tips.

There’s two guides, but be careful, one trips.
Only lies ever come from her lips.
Th’ other guide in the booth
Always tells you the truth.
Which is which? You don’t know, and that rips.

But with guilt, on me, don’t lay your trips.
Both guides know which path’s right and which gyps.
Since these girls are both sibs,
They know which of them fibs
And which sis tells the truth in her quips.

To arrive at the lake on these trips,
It’s now time that we all come to grips.
What’s the question to pose
To one guide, so it shows
Down which path to be pointing your hips?

(Steve provides the answer to his fun puzzle here.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

My career lets me take lots of trips.
I tend bar on some cruise-liner ships.
I like it a lot
‘Cause there’s nothing so hot
As a drunk girl with really big tips.

Fred Bortz:

The astronomer’s too frequent trips
To savor Miss Moonbeam’s sweet lips
Were the proximate cause:
He forgot Kepler’s Laws
And was late for the solar eclipse.

J Cosmo Newbery:

A fellow who took many trips
To clubs where a young lady strips
Got the fright of his life
Recognizing his wife
Both dancing and pulling large tips.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A writer would take frequent trips
To research how each country strips.
“Geisha girls drop their fans.
French nudes do can-cans.
And Middle East girls show their lips.”

Sue Dulley

A comet makes regular trips
Round its orbit, a long thin ellipse.
What to do on the day
Our earth gets in its way?
We’ll need some apocalypse tips.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!