Posts Tagged ‘Robert Schechter’

Limerick-Off Award (266)

Saturday, December 10th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I know you’ve been naughty, not nice,
By indulging your energy vice.
My traditional role
Is to leave you some coal,
But you’d burn it and there goes the ice.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHOPPING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On Black Friday they heeded the call
To Go Buy! They jammed in, wall-to-wall.
Trampling, mayhem and fights
Are the ample delights
Of tradition: The Great Shopping Maul.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Linda Ann Nickerson, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“ICE” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect’s put it on ice.

Robert Schechter:

An Eskimo asked, “What advice
Would you give me to help me entice
A woman in Gnome
To come into my home?”
I said, “You must first break the ice.”

Brian Allgar:

If your wife asks for helpful advice
About jeans she’s just purchased, think twice.
“Do they make me look fat?”
“Only slightly.” Then, splat!
Now I’m soothing my eye with some ice.

Suzanne Heymann:

I once had a head full of lice,
And a friend said, “Just freeze ’em with ice.
Simply stick your whole head
On the Knik River bed.”
Now I’m buried and dead. (Great advice!)

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

For you couples all looking to spice
Up your love life, well here’s some advice:
Think your wife’s down to earth
And cares not for net worth?
She’ll get hot for two carats of ice.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My mail-order bride wasn’t nice.
Said my legerdemain was a vice,
And magicians are lame,
So I’m hardly to blame
For turning the bitch into ICE.

Tim James:

A plumber tried breaking the ice
With the lady next door. She was nice,
And she made her needs plain.
So he snaked out her drain.
She was thoroughly satisfied. Twice.

Wendy Playter:

A mob boss named Sugary Ned
Liked baked goods and one day he said,
“It would be very nice
If this cake got some ice!”
(And later the cake turned up dead.)

Robert Schechter:

When you die, if you pay a high price
They avow they will put you on ice
And thaw you someday
The moment that they
Are able, so you can live twice.

But don’t bother, my friend. I will bet you
There’s little this process will net you,
For even if they
Could cure you someday
It’s more likely by far they’d forget you.

Linda Ann Nickerson:

My neighbor’s demeanor’s like ice.
He gives answers unkind, imprecise.
He’ll stop, stand, and stare
With nary a care,
And he won’t take his own bad advice.

When pigs fly, he’ll pick up his trash,
And he may even burn up his stash.
The scents from his deck
Bounce like a bad check,
So daily our teeth we do gnash.

And still, as he passes, I wave,
But hope he’ll go back in his cave.
He won’t be ignored,
For he’s head of the Board,
So all of us have to behave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOPPING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The shop-lifting queen often gloats
Of the number of items she totes.
“I’m thin before thieving,
But fat when I’m leaving –-
Five sweaters, four skirts, and three coats.”

Dave Johnson:

They ordered a fancy new phone
Delivered by Amazon drone.
The service was fast,
But left them aghast;
Their chimney’s a dropping-off zone.

Suzanne Heymann:

Have you ever seen some woman shopping,
While her man tags along with store-hopping?
He’s there holding her bags,
While she tries on new rags.
On and on he just lags without stopping!

How about, at the end of the day,
She should let him just have his own way;
He will tell her, “I dare
You to put on and wear
Just your birthday suit there on display!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (264)

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He poured her a very nice Cab,
But she didn’t drink any, or gab.
And the sex later flopped:
When he poked her, she popped.
It’s no fun when the gal is pre-fab.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special FRUIT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Would you care for an apple?” she cooed.
He didn’t. But not to be rude,
He took a small bite.
God forgave him? Not quite.
Our merciful Lord came unglued.

God raged, and his anger was vicious.
He said what they did was pernicious!
But Adam told Eve,
“Well, I guess we must leave,
But boy was that apple delicious!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAB” RHYME DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the doctor to Barney McNabb,
“Your results have come back from the lab.
Your ataxia’s worse.”
Barney turned to the nurse:
“Did the doctor just call me a cab?”

Brian Allgar:

“I can’t go to the ball, I’m so drab!”
“Don’t worry, dear – Abracadab!”
With a soft, swishing sound
Cinderella was gowned,
And the pumpkin transformed to a cab.

Steve Earp:

Said a girl Trump attempted to grab,
“Get your hands off and call me a cab.”
On encircling her waist
With bravado misplaced,
He was floored by her brutal left jab.

Sue Dulley:

On too many a cold marble slab
In a med school anatomy lab
With a tag on its toes
Lies another of those
Who refused to go home in a cab.

Robert Schechter:

My mother says, “Don’t pick a scab.”
“If you’re drunk, do not drive. Call a cab.”
And she tells Donald Trump,
“When you see a nice rump,
Remember: just look, do not grab!”

Will T. Laughlin:

“I’m drunk,” muttered Rita to Mab,
“You should probably get me a cab.”
Mab, pouring more wine,
Said, “A Cab would be fine,
But this Chardonnay, honey, is fab!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FRUIT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

I’ll make money. How hard could it be
To grow fruit upon many a tree?
So an orchard I bought,
But the profits were naught.
’Twas a fruitless endeavor for me.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

My body is shaped like a pear.
At other girls’ chests guys would stare.
But I watched their boobs drop,
While mine stayed on top.
Sometimes life does end up being fair.

Tim James:

Out in public the guy was a brute,
And his legions of fans followed suit.
Grabbing privates? That’s lewd.
Though I hate to waste food,
One response crossed my mind: throwing fruit.

Suzanne Heymann:

Cherimoya and Damson and Jambul
And the Salak may seem like a gamble.
There’s the Longan, the Nance–
Go ahead, take a chance.
But you’re wondering, why do I ramble?

The Satsuma will cleanse, not pollute,
And the Yuzu, which smells nice to boot.
All these, plus Rambutan
Don’t have any gluten,
For each of these words is a fruit!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (263)

Sunday, October 16th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to STEVE EARP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this timely limerick:

He says if you’re famous you’ll find
It’s easy to bump and to grind.
So you, Trump supporter,
Just think of your daughter,
And question with whom you’re aligned.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Autumn-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:

If you’re wondering what you should call
The season when Eve “had a ball,”
It used to be Autumn
Until the Lord caught ’em;
Since then, it’s been known as the Fall.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Robert Schechter, Allan Eastman, Fred Bortz, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIND” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

She’s known to be wholesome and kind,
And possesses a wondrous behind.
While she doesn’t hold grudges,
To dancing club judges
She does have a big ass to grind.

Kirk Miller:

Christmas shopping can be quite a grind.
The best presents? I think you will find
If you want a big lift,
Meditation’s the gift
That’s the best. You get presence of mind.

Tim James:

No woman would give him a grind,
So his sex life was all in his mind.
He knew well his own touch,
Although maybe too much:
He’s grown hair on his palms and gone blind.

Wendy Playter:

The cornmeal I ruthlessly grind
Make tacos that taste more refined.
But although higher-class,
There’s just as much gas,
And music soon follows behind.

Robert Schechter:

As a Starbucks barista I find
It’s helpful to clear out my mind
With occasional breaks,
But that’s all that it takes
To ease me back into the grind.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (AUTUMN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Allan Eastman:

A nudist group once had the gall
To protest the oncoming Fall.
“We WON’T Wear No Pants!”
They swore in their chants.
(Bet they wished they’d at least brought a shawl.)

Robert Schechter:

When autumn arrives, trees turn bare
And I’m filled with my yearly despair
That winter will come
And put frost on my bum,
And I can’t stand a cold derriere!

Fred Bortz, who celebrates the Autumn holiday known as Election Day:

From Tuesday the eighth of November
We’ll celebrate on through December
That women saw through
What that grabber would do,
And their votes soon deflated his member.

Dave Johnson:

The colorful look of the trees;
A slight little chill in the breeze.
Yes, Autumn’s sublime,
In advance of the time
When ice brings us all to our knees.

Tim James:

In late autumn, I never forego
A Thanksgiving Day feast. This year, though,
I’ll give thanks, say “Amen”
Two full weeks before then
When I see Donald Trump gobbling crow.

Suzanne Heymann:

It’s autumn, the midst of October,
When the wind blows each tree to disrobe her.
The summer did end,
And the cold’s ’round the bend,
So I don’t recommend being sober.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (257)

Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny, musical limerick:

Five fishermen lived hereabout,
But their talents were somewhat in doubt.
Though five lines they would spin,
Just one fish was reeled in.
This quintet became known as “The Trout.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Allergy-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She was to be one of the “perks”
At the office where Roger Ailes works.
But started to sneeze
As he fondled her knees;
Turns out, she’s allergic to jerks.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Will T. Laughlin, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOUT/ABOUT” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Some things are exact, not “about.”
They are what they are, without doubt.
A worm’s not a snake,
A cookie’s no cake,
And a salmon’s not “almost” a trout.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

It appears that the captain is out
Of the closet without any doubt.
From up high in the rigging
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy, coming about.

Will T. Laughlin, for his “AND IN THIS CORNER, KID IONESCO!”

In the very first round of the bout,
The Kid knocked the champion out.
But they stopped him, they did,
When they noticed the Kid
Had four legs, and a horn on his snout.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A turtledove flying about
Was afraid that his luck had run out
When he noticed one day
A hawk headed his way;
He was quickly relieved of all doubt.

Robert Schechter:

You don’t know what you’re talking about?
No problem. Just act like a lout.
Refuting your betters,
Use CAPITAL LETTERS,
THE FACEBOOK-APPROVED WAY TO SHOUT!

Ken Gosse:

His dyslexia sometimes came out
When the Drill Sergeant started to shout,
But he knew how to cope:
He could walk that tightrope,
Though they grinned when he yelled, “Face About!”

Suzanne Heymann:

If you don’t know what life’s all about
Don’t worry, relax, just chill out.
Live life fully and know
When it’s your turn to go
You’ll no longer be living in doubt.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ALLERGY-LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

I’m allergic to most politicians
With their multiple bullshit positions.
And although I’m not sneezing,
I’m certainly wheezing;
I’m sick of their toxic emissions.

Brian Allgar:

As they loaded the Ark’s floating zoo,
It appeared they were missing a few.
“Those unicorns? Banned ’em,”
Said Noah. “Can’t stand ’em.
I’m allergic to dinosaurs, too.”

Diane Groothuis:

Now mustard’s my bête noire, by God.
My reaction is terribly odd.
With rashes and hives,
My blood pressure dives,
And I give old St Peter the nod.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

There’s a trick-turning floozy, long fallen,
Who’s bothered, in springtime, by pollen.
Along with her sneezes,
Come vaginal squeezes–
“God bless you!” her clients keep callin’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (255)

Saturday, June 25th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

A detective entreated Bernice
’Tween the sheets of the Chief of Police,
“Keep this tryst undercover.
My boss, who’s your lover,
Can’t know that you’ve fingered my piece.”

She laughed, “We’re discreet. Hold your peace.
Since that cuckolded Chief of Police
Lacks the vim and the vigor
I feel when your trigger
Is pulled, let the firing increase.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Money-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mad’s ”Limerick-Off” is iconic,
But MONEY’s a theme that’s ironic.
Cash prize? In your dreams!
You’ll win nothing, it seems,
Not even a small gin and tonic.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tiel Aisha Ansari, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Dave Johnson, Randolph Wagner, Kirk Miller, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

A slimy young dude named Maurice
Met a widow he thought he could fleece.
But his try was for naught,
For he quickly got caught.
Now he hopes for an early release.

Brian Allgar:

His grammatical errors increase;
Wrong apostrophes litter each piece.
Then last night, around four,
Came a knock at his door:
“Open up! It’s the grammar police!”

Tiel Aisha Ansari:

When Jason returned with the Fleece
He put his whole crew on release
And all that he tendered
For services rendered–
At most, half an obol apiece.

Tim James:

“Lots of fish in the sea!” is a piece
Of old “wisdom” he cites without cease.
He beds ladies one night;
After that, he takes flight.
His philosophy: catch and release.

Brian Allgar:

There was never a moment of peace;
She could talk like a gaggle of geese;
She would scold and she’d nag
Till a large plastic bag
Brought him silence – a blessed release.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MONEY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

To understand money, be sure
You are not some rich entrepreneur,
For tell me, how shall you
Conceive its true value
Unless and until you’ve been poor?

Dave Johnson:

Though her wealthy old lover is gruff,
He buys her a lot of nice stuff.
But when ready for sex,
There is no time for checks;
Just a blindfold while he’s in the buff.

Randolph Wagner:

A sad, tawdry saga is Mitch’s
Beginning with staggering riches
To which he fell heir.
They were squandered with flair
Since his tool couldn’t stay in his britches.

Brian Allgar: (Donald Trump begs for contributions)

“Please send me some money – you must,
’Cause you know I’m the guy you can trust.
As Prez, I will show how
My bankruptcy knowhow
Can make the whole country go bust.”

Kirk Miller:

If money to me you’d disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
’Twould allow me to say,
In my deviant way,
“I guess that my pay’d be per verse.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Have you ever walked down any street
And found cash in your path at your feet?
A thrill tends to flow
From your head to your toe
Whenever the two of you meet.

Dave Johnson:

Las Vegas, that desert oasis,
Was built on an interesting basis.
You lose all your dough,
Then booze while they show
Bare boobies in big, glitzy places.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (250)

Saturday, April 16th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The real estate agent had hissed:
“Another gin – tonic and twist.”
After three or four more,
They showed her the door;
And that’s when she started to list.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special CAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny two-verse limerick:

A friend simply can’t let a friend
Drive a Fiat 500. Pretend
It’s a car if you must,
But believe me: it’s just
A roller-skate/Tupperware blend.

When the time comes for parking it, though,
It has an advantage to show:
Wherever you are,
You can just pop the car
In its own glove compartment, and go.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Jeanine Silverio, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr, Kathy El-Assal, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TWIST” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

You haven’t read Oliver Twist?
Don’t bother. I’ll give you the gist.
He said, “I want more.”
They showed him the door,
And he then found it hard to subsist.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

Her panties are all in a twist,
Though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t be pissed.
Her man’s last martini
Went straight to his weenie…
I found it too HARD to resist!

Will T. Laughlin:

In his pants the geologist pissed
As he felt the cave buckle and twist.
When it fell on his head,
The geologist said,
“Well, I guess I’m in really deep schist.”

Randolph Wagner:

Pled Cecil, “Please cease and desist
Your insipid debasement of Liszt!
You play like it’s Brahms
Or Anglican psalms,
Then add a Wagnerian twist!”

Brian Allgar:

With my hands round her throat as we kissed,
First I squeezed, then I started to twist;
I went mad with my knife
On that doll, large as life –
And as she deflated, she hissed.

Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr:

I never can cease and desist
From giving old saws a new twist.
To tradition I say
(And it’s true every day),
A bird flipped is worth two in the fist.

Kathy El-Assal:

“Please, sir, I want more,” was the gist
That got him expelled, but not missed.
He encountered the Dodger,
Became Fagin’s lodger,
And then — what the dickens? — a twist!

Will T. Laughlin:

In six days, from primordial mist,
God created Creation. The twist?
On the Eighth Day, He woke
From His rest with a choke,
And discovered He didn’t exist.

Fred Bortz, for his 3-verser:

To win on Mad’s limerick list,
Pen a verse that she cannot resist.
For a lim that’s sublime,
Keep tight rhythm and rhyme,
And of course you must end with a twist.

I ended that verse with “a twist,”
So declare–no in fact, I insist–
I must get an award
From the Limerick Board.
If I don’t, it’s a slap on the wrist.

Is my using “a twist” a real twist?
(I hope you are getting the gist.)
I am ever so clever!
I must win! However
By now I think Mad must be pissed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

In their hippy days, most would agree
That their lifestyles were simple and free.
But now at the mall
In the very next stall,
They’re parking some huge SUV.

Robert Schechter:

In the days before cheap GPSing
A car trip was sometimes distressing.
Some people used maps,
But I think perhaps
Most people relied on blind guessing.

Tim James:

At the speedway they sold me a ride
In a race car. “It’s easy!” they lied.
My top speed was about
One-oh-six. I got out
Just as soon as my trousers had dried.

Marty Gerendasy, whose limerick is also a “twist” limerick:

Pushed the key in and gave it a twist,
Then the engine just sputtered and hissed.
The damned car wouldn’t start
So I had to ride BART,
And you’d better believe I was pissed!

Kirk Miller:

An electric car auto amass
Miles per gallon that surely surpass
A conventional car,
So electric cars are
Said to be ones that really kick gas.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

She’s thirty, but still has some spunk,
Though she looks like an old piece of junk.
Still, she runs like a dream.
(Did you hear a scream?
I locked up my wife in the trunk.)

Brian Allgar:

In the back-seat, we did more than pet,
And it seemed we were covered in sweat …
We’d forgotten the brake,
Ended up in the lake –
Wasn’t sex that had made her so wet.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (249)

Saturday, April 2nd, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny two-verse limerick:

Brian Allgar:

My wife phoned to say: “I’m delayed;
We have guests, so I’ve hired a maid
To set out the table,
And start, if she’s able,
Preparing the beef marinade.”

Well, I have to confess that I strayed.
Though I’m fond of my wife, I’m afraid
That I’m tempted to roam;
By the time she got home,
Both the maid and the table were laid.

Congratulations to PATRICK MCKEON, who wins the Special GREED-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

As they led him to jail he decreed:
“It was all done for love and not greed.
It’s a passion I feel
Which compels me to steal,
Though that passion’s for cash I concede.”

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

It’s not “I have lain” but “I’ve laid,”
If you lured her to bed and then played,
But if in that same bed
You were sleeping instead
You have lain but not laid, I’m afraid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Randolph Wagner, Patrick McKeon, Mary McGarvey, Jeanine Silverio, Brian Allgar, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GREED LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

There was a young lady who made
Lots of money with guys getting laid.
But insatiable greed
Made her do one more deed,
Which is how she got caught in a raid.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAID” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Since I hate buying cars, I delayed
Going down to the lot. But I made
The deal of my life:
A new Ford for my wife.
I thought it a pretty good trade.

Dave Johnson:

Their accountant was handsomely paid;
But in time, he apparently strayed.
Many thousands, they say,
Went a prostitute’s way;
It looks like those funds were miss laid.

Fred Bortz:

The bishop knew how to get laid.
He’d have fun with a nun in the glade.
His number one Sister
Was really a Mister.
He glowed when the truth was displayed!

Robert Schechter:

They said I’d be handsomely paid
If I marched in the Virgin Parade.
I was game for a buck,
But damn my bad luck!
Before the check cleared, I got laid.

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh, when did my sex appeal fade?
I stare at my breakfast, dismayed:
Orange juice gets a squeeze;
Bacon strips (such a tease!),
And the eggs, unlike me, have been laid.

Allen Wilcox:

It was down on his couch that he laid
On a fine APRIL day, and he prayed
That he not wake too soon.
But he woke up in JUNE,
Which left him completely disMAYed!

Randolph Wagner:

His ex, at his funeral, laid
A rose on his corpse. Quite dismayed,
She sighed, “Only if
You had been half as stiff
While living, I’d surely have stayed.”

Patrick McKeon:

On his deathbed an old pilot prayed
For a post mortem heaven upgrade.
But he couldn’t go straight
To that great pearly gate,
Since his final approach was delayed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GREED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

The billionaire’s bluster and babble;
A cringe-worthy gift to the rabble.
Unhinged and absurd,
His bleating is heard
And reads like a bad game of Scrabble.

Will T. Laughlin:

A candidate, out on his tours,
Said this as he spoke to “the poors”:
“I have money, and stuff,
But it isn’t enough –
I won’t rest ’til I take away YOURS.”

Mary McGarvey:

San Francisco’s Directors of BART
All get fat while the trains fall apart;
These crooks full of hooey
Let BART go Ka-blooey
With grand theft as a great noble art.

Tim James:

Gordon Gekko, film crook, didn’t care;
He praised greed. So does Trump. Let’s compare!
The guy from the flick
Was much less of a dick;
In addition, he had better hair.

Jeanine Silverio:

Though he dressed in a monk’s humble habit,
Vows of poverty displeased the abbot.
The sheer weight of his tax
Broke the peasantry’s backs.
He lusted for gold and to grab it.

Brian Allgar:

He would gorge himself, heap after heap,
Every moment he wasn’t asleep.
This greedy young glutton
Ate huge bowls of mutton
Until he had wolfed the whole sheep.

Suzanne Heymann:

Those Black Fridays are days filled with greed
Where the shoppers create a stampede.
Boxing Day’s not enough?
Life may get tough and rough
As you buy all this stuff you don’t need.

Tempting bargains would help you forget
That there’s int’rest on top of the debt.
While you think you will ‘save’
You’ll find out you’re a slave
As you’re hit with a wave of regret.

So live under your means; give up greed.
Pay off all of your debts; then you’re freed.
A belly well-fed
And a roof o’er your head
And some love in your bed’s all you need.

Your big debt load at least will have ONE dent
Till it’s vanished, becoming redundant.
The stress will stop seething.
You’re once again breathing
And living a life that’s abundant!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (246)

Sunday, February 21st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

She was pregnant, she knew for a fact,
But insisted that she was ‘intact.’
Though her story was lame –
“Well, this angel, like, came” –
A religion was born from her act.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the WINTER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

To avoid winter cold and its strife,
I moved south to a warm, sunny life.
But I still must beware
Of the chill in the air
From the cold, icy stare of my wife.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this poignant limerick, which he wrote in memory of our good friend and witty limerick writer Johanna Richmond:

The earth is still somehow intact.
There’s still gravity, nothing has cracked.
But some of us here
Have just lost a friend dear,
And I had to acknowledge that fact.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis LaVietes, Shannon Tucker, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TACT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WINTER LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

It’s a true inescapable fact
That this snow can be easily packed
And then rolled into balls
Shortly after it falls,
So watch out or you may be attacked!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TACT” RHYME DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Said Trump, “I will win. It’s a fact.
Those clowns? They’re my opening act.
These morons — these twits
Lack my charm, and my wits,
And my classiest attribute: TACT.”

Phyllis LaVietes:

Seismologists skillfully tracked
A seven point nine, and attacked
The oil guys for making
That quaking and shaking.
The earth cracked; the fact was, they fracked.

Shannon Tucker:

Quite suddenly faced with the fact
That their vows were no longer intact,
She called her attorney
And then for a gurney:
They wheeled out his balls, which were sacked!

Fred Bortz:

Some folks clearly welcomed the fact
That SCOTUS quite suddenly lacked
Justice Nino Scalia.
They sneered, “Hope to see ya
In Lucifer’s realm.” (They’ve no tact.)

Robert Schechter:

It is hard to express this with tact:
There’s a fart that was recently cracked,
And I fear from its smell
That there’s something unwell
With your gastrointestinal tract.

Brian Allgar:

He reported with truth and with tact,
And he didn’t know why he’d been sacked
From Fox News. “We need guys,”
Said his boss, “Who tell lies –
There’s no place in our program for fact.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A timber town out in the hinters
Needs someplace to warm up its winters.
But a strip club has found
Where loggers abound,
Lap dancers have issues with splinters.

Marty Gerendasy:

Sidewalks covered with ice and with snow
And a wind chill of twenty below
It was too much for me
I decided to flee
Would I ever go back there? Hell no!

Kirk Miller:

In the winter, I went on a trip
With psychiatrists skiing. I’d quip
At the end of each day.
To my wife, I would say
That I saw many Freudians slip.

David Reddekopp:

For a treat I decided to go.
To the vendor I shelled out the dough.
Now I wish I had known
That my yellow snow cone
Had been made out of real yellow snow.

Will T. Laughlin’s 3-verse THE NYMPHOMANIAC IN WINTER:

The snow-scape is tranquil and bright.
Inside, though, I’m having to fight
Not to giggle and snort
When the weather report
Says, “We got seven inches last night!”

And likewise, I cannot be proud
Of the fact that I chuckle aloud
When I hear that the guy
In the truck passing by
Is shouting: “Hey — wanna get plowed?”

My answer? You already know it –
And I’m just the woman to crow it:
Pretending to ponder
My snow-blower yonder,
I ask him, “Why don’t I just … blow it?!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (243)

Saturday, January 9th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the Eighties, Lewd Lou was the dude
For drugs for improving the mood.
It was always enough
That he’d mention his “stuff”:
It was ’Ludes to which Lewd Lou’d allude.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Sleep and/or Insomnia-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My insomnia cure isn’t booze;
Neither pills nor warm milk do I use.
But a long string of lies
Makes me nod, close my eyes.
It’s a cure that I’m calling “Fox Snooze.”

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The limerick mistress is shrewd
To suggest that our verses be lewd
And allude to our privies,
Or privates, or skivvies,
With words excremental and crude.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEWD” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

The fellow’s a bit of a prude;
Not prone to be naughty or lewd.
At Haulover Beach,
For a necktie he’ll reach;
He hates being totally nude.

Robert Schechter:

Bill Cosby admits he was shrewd
In wooing the women he screwed:
“I’m famous, I’m charming,
My wit is disarming,
And I make them all swallow a ’lude.”

Tim James:

A fellow once tried to elude
Married life, for a reason quite crude:
“Buy the cow? Not for me,
When the milk comes for free!”
But “the cow” overheard him. He’s screwed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SLEEP/INSOMNIA LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

How I long for a slumber that’s deep!
I have tried to count gambolling sheep,
But instead, they count me,
And before they’ve reached three,
Every sheep in the flock is asleep.

Kirk Miller:

Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
For their father, who sits on the floor
By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
When his offspring turn in.
They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you sleep like a baby, you’re nuts,
Because every two hours your guts
Are screaming for food
And your pants have been pooed
Cuz not one of your holes ever shuts.

Sue Dulley:

The clock says it’s 2:45;
I’m longing for sleep to arrive.
Now what would it take
To stay this wide awake
At the wheel on a long-distance drive?

Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this all too familiar, albeit funny, story:

It’s eleven. You turn out the light.
The room is as dark as the night.
You yearn for repose,
But your eyes will not close:
There’s something that just isn’t right.

In your mind, the ideas are reeling.
You’re left with a terrible feeling
That the thoughts of the day
Simply won’t go away,
So you lie there and stare at the ceiling.

You’re constantly tossing and turning –
You’re freezing — next minute, you’re burning.
You glance at the clock
And you see with a shock
That it’s two. But your brain is still churning.

You find you’re beginning to twitch,
For the blanket is starting to itch.
You try counting sheep.
Then your leg falls asleep,
And you think: lucky sonofabitch.

You’ve now made a mess of the bed:
You’re all tangled up in the spread.
As the black turns to grey
In the new-dawning day,
The whites of your eyes turn to red.

Eight hours you’ve tortured your brain
To come up with a verse for Mad Kane
On insomnia. Well,
Those eight hours of hell
Have left you completely insane.

But there’s no time for that any more:
Get up! Put your feet on the floor!
There’s a day’s work ahead,
So… (you fall back in bed;
As your head hits the pillow, you snore.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (239)

Saturday, November 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Your mama’s the sexual type.
She likes to go hunting for SNIPE
And she thinks SNIPE is PENIS.
(SEX DAILY between us
Is more than DYSLEXIA hype!)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Robert Schechter, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

Every day she would snivel and snipe:
“Must you smoke that unspeakable tripe?”
So he smoked the old bag,
Got a new tin of shag,
And contentedly puffed on his pipe.

Tim James:

I’m so jealous I can’t even snipe.
His gal Friday, according to hype,
With her hands, mouth, and *that*
Laid the fellow out flat;
With her toes she’d concurrently type.

David Reddekopp:

Amazed at the size of my pipe,
My girlfriend would snicker and snipe:
“Now that you have revealed it
I ask, can you wield it?
Let’s hope it lives up to the hype.”

Robert Schechter:

The Donald is nothing but hype,
A blowhard. We all know the type.
He boasts and he struts
But he’s simply a putz
Who has mastered the Art of the Snipe.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Though I swear I do not mean to snipe,
There are rules for those times that we Skype.
No one wants to see ass
In the bathroom — it’s crass—
And, for God’s sake, don’t stand there and wipe!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (233) (Posted Early — See “Endnote”)

Saturday, October 3rd, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

For a call girl she likes simple chow,
But she charges a grand to drop trou
For a night’s worth of vice.
Here’s her totaled-up price:
Jug of wine, loaf of bread, and a thou.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Ian Graham, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

In Italy, friends, I learned how,
When leaving the palace, to bow.
This courtesy brings
The favor of kings.
(They get mad if you only say ciao.)

Ian Graham:

In the midst of a meeting with Mao,
The Central Committee said “Ciao.
We’re all off to munch
A hot dog for lunch.
We’re told there’s Great Chow in Macao.”

David Reddekopp:

I’m going to make this my vow:
To party for Lent – oh, and how!
For the fast goes by fast
When you’re having a blast
And so now I say “ciao” to my chow.

Dave Johnson:

With hipster beards popular now,
Some fellows have figured out how
To grow ’em real thick
Like a hair-covered brick;
It’s handy for storing some chow.

Tim James:

A sailor, ashore for some chow,
Met a lady who asked him just how
Swabbies “do it.” He laughed,
Turned her round, faced her aft,
And rammed into her stern with his prow.

Konrad Schwoerke:

We were told, on our cruise to Macao,
That some Asians eat dog even now.
And it’s true, ’cause one day
At a local café
Our host asked, “May we bring you some chow?”

Suzanne Heymann:

While making her first wedding vow
The wife planned their life and here’s how:
“I can clean, pay the bills.
I have great bedroom skills.
Just don’t ask me to cook any chow.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Endnote: I’m posting this nearly four hours before deadline because I’m under the weather; I want to make sure I get it done while my brain is still more or less working. :) If I love any additional limerick that comes in within the regular deadline, I’ll add it to the Honorable Mentions.

Limerick of the Week (232)

Sunday, September 27th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KATHY EL-ASSAL, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever Acrostic Limerick:

Culled by Carly, the workers got canned.
And at H.P., her tenure was panned.
Re-emerging to fight,
Lobbing zingers far right,
Yessiree, she could F up the land.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Phil Graham, Diane Groothuis, and ROBERT SCHECHTER. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

Dr. Frankenstein searched through the land
For each muscle, limb, organ and gland.
Yet his beast makes no fist;
Both arms end at the wrist.
Ain’t he great, folks? Let’s give him a hand!

Dave Johnson:

A bottle was found in the sand
With a note from a far-away land.
“We’ll come to your shore
Like so many before…
But not ’till The Trumpster is canned.”

David Reddekopp:

The gift that we gave her was grand.
She no longer relied on her hand.
On the sofa sat Alice
With vibrating phallus,
And Alice was in Wonderland.

Phil Graham:

Just a banjo, no need for a band,
As the embers of justice he fanned.
Folk music’s more meager
Since losing Pete Seeger;
He “hammered all over this land.”

Diane Groothuis:

He came with his hat in his hand,
Apology practiced and planned:
“I am sorry my dear
For bruising your ear.
That blowfly was trying to land.”

Robert Schechter:

In farms found throughout this great land,
There’s a rule that all cows understand,
And it’s so fundamental!
When milking, be gentle.
Don’t yank on the mammary gland.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (231)

Saturday, September 19th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Robert Schechter:

“I’ve lost my poor beak! Damn my luck!
Without it, my life will just suck.
They’re expensive, but face it:
I need to replace it.
Just send me the bill,” said the duck.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Adam Stern, Will T. Laughlin, Kathy El-Assal, Robert Schechter, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Adam Stern:

A white Pekin with plenty of pluck
To the bartender strode, past the ruck.
“Hey, there! What’ll you choose?”
“I like nuts in my booze.”
“Try a hickory daiquiri, duck!”

Will T. Laughlin:

’Cross the barnyard the miscreant snuck,
And Farmer Buck’s buttocks he struck.
With a furious QUACK!
He began his attack…
Lemme tell you, that’s one piquing duck!

Kathy El-Assal:

Since Obama is now a lame-duck,
The Tea Party’s running amok:
Trumped up boasting’s applauded
While rumors are lauded,
Canards for the Fox crowd to pluck.

Robert Schechter:

When the goose fell in love with the duck,
His mom and his dad went amok.
“We find it distressing
And don’t give our blessing!
She’s American. You’re a Canuck!”

David Reddekopp:

A duck and a rabbit? What luck!
A dilemma – poor Elmer is stuck.
Some believe that Bugs Bunny
Was fiendishly funny
To say it’s the season for duck.

But I reckon the rabbit’s a schmuck.
If you sell out your friend, then you suck.
Shots went by the duck’s head.
Should he drop and play dead?
What I’d do is tell Daffy to duck.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (218)

Saturday, June 20th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

On Craig’s List, Chris posted his lust
For a tryst with a lass to be trussed.
Alas, though: Chris missed
His delicious truss tryst.
He was tied up at work. How unjust!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Kaye Roberts, Phil Graham, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

She withdrew from the Savings & Trust
All her cash. It’s not much; now she must
Choose ’twixt breast augmentation
And West Coast vacation.
The choice: California or bust.

Robert Schechter:

The essence of love is to trust.
So trust me. I’m able to thrust
Without letting go.
Believe me! . . . Uh oh . . .
Remember that son we discussed?

Brian Allgar:

He stuffed her with thrust after thrust
Like a man half-demented with lust,
Then he bound her with string,
Legs and breast, everything,
Till the Thanksgiving turkey was trussed.

Jon Gearhart:

As I cussed and discussed in disgust
My mistrust with my siblings, we fussed
How the lawyer had still
Not found part of Dad’s will.
My disgust rose from my misplaced trust.

Fred Bortz:

Chez Marquis de Sade is a must
To couple with parry and thrust.
There maidens will tryst
While bound at the wrist,
As long as you’re someone they trussed.

Lisi Nortman:

A marriage is based upon trust,
But if driven by wild carnal lust,
You’ll probably cheat.
So be very discreet.
Don’t come home with your hairdo all mussed.

Kaye Roberts:

Ev’ry man she’d encountered with lust
Had betrayed her, demolished her trust.
So she found a belle chère
And began lez affaire
And left all les hommes in the dust.

Phil Graham:

A ski racer you couldn’t trust
Would consume pork and beans ’fore he shussed.
And to go a bit faster
He’d use his ass blaster
And gain MPH from each gust.

Allen Wilcox:

He was proud that they showed him the trust
To move “David” to clean off the dust.
It fell and it shattered.
He cried, bruised and battered,
“I can only say ‘This was a bust’.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (217)

Sunday, June 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

She had warts, but she wasn’t half bad,
So they made the short hop to his pad.
His intention to jump ’er
Is now in the dumper:
She laughed ’cause his pole’s just a tad.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phil Graham, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Phil Graham:

A fam’ly of dwarves was quite glad
To be told a developer had
Built a home for them, small,
Costing nothing at all!
It was called “The Stay-free Mini-pad.”

Fred Bortz:

“Before we make love, don’t be mad.”
He responded, “I’ve felt your bra pad.”
She replied with a laugh,
“Hah! You don’t know the half.
The fact is my birth name was Brad.”

Brian Allgar:

Canaan, Cush, Phut and Mizraim would pad
Through the paddy-fields feeling quite sad.
Eating nothing but rice
Isn’t terribly nice
When ‘Ham’ is the name of your dad.

Dave Johnson:

When you’re young & you’re told you were bad,
Just write it all down on a pad.
After years have gone by,
You can read it and try
To re-live all the good times you had.

Tim James:

Many women, all scantily clad,
Have been seen coming out of his pad.
You can call him a rake,
But since rubber can break,
He now goes by another name: Dad.

Will T. Laughlin:

As my way through the city I pad,
I notice this theater ad:
BROKEBACK MT — SWEET NOVEMBER
A WALK TO REMEMBER.
I call that a Marquee de Sad!

Robert Schechter:

My spark plugs just told me they’re sad.
I asked them, “But what is so bad?”
“We’re homeless, you see,
But why should this be
When even the brakes have a pad?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (216)

Saturday, June 6th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Robert Schechter:

The sexiest instrument’s known
As the brassy and sassy trombone.
It loves to be slid.
There’s no hornier id!
But mostly it loves to be blown.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Janice Canerdy, Ian Graham, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Konrad Schwoerke, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The bounciest girl he had known
Was astride him, and couldn’t be thrown.
But her thrusts were so rough
That he cried “That’s enough —
I think you’ve just broken my bone!”

Janice Canerdy:

Sue’s not in the bedroom alone,
But hubby’s as cold as a stone.
She begs, “Take this pill?”
He says, “Yes, I will.”
Her man is now bad to the bone.

Ian Graham:

Our orchestra’s lonesome trombone
Used to slide in and out on his own.
Now he’s living in sin
With the first violin
And she fiddles until his bone’s blown.

Fred Bortz:

In Genesis, God used a bone
To make Eve, though she wasn’t a clone.
So much for reliance
On DNA science!
Creationist truth has been shown.

Will T. Laughlin:

TO THE BOARD OF REGENTS

You demand explanations be shown
Why I met with my student alone.
Well, her field’s dinosaurs,
So she went through my drawers
‘Til she found my old fossilized bone.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The wifey had started to moan,
“When you’re out every night, I’m alone,
And your mistress gets bed…”
Interrupting, I said,
“Stop your bitching!” and threw her a bone.

Dave Johnson:

He was hired to play the trombone
At a socialite club in Bayonne.
His notes were quite mute
But a bulge in his suit
Caused the standing ovation alone.

Will T. Laughlin:

MEMO FROM THE DEFENSE DEPT.

Dear contractor: We have a bone
To pick. We had ordered a drone.
What you sent us in lieu
Is a didgeridu.
Very funny. Come back when you’re grown.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (194)

Saturday, December 20th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A teller of tales hit a snag
When one tale made his audience gag.
From then on he was screwed,
Because everyone booed.
’Twas a case where the tale dogged the wag.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) C. Adams, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Matt Regan, Andy Bassett, Byron Ives, and Ron B. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

C. Adams:

A man told his boss, “There’s a snag.
Our servers are starting to lag.
We must pull all the plugs!
Our site selling ‘thick rugs’
Is confused by men wanting a ‘shag!’”

Kathy El-Assal:

Her plans to win votes hit a snag,
Cuz her rival would bluster and brag
Of deeds patriotic
And clearly psychotic,
Then wrap himself up in the flag.

Brian Allgar:

Absent-mindedness can be a snag;
My penis is wrapped in a flag,
And it’s tied in a knot,
To remind me of what? —
Oh, yes – must remember to shag.

Robert Schechter:

My zipper got caught on a snag
When I zigged when I wanted to zag,
And my member popped free
For the whole world to see
As it waved in the wind like a flag.

Matt Regan:

An engineer managed to snag
A ball-gown about which she’d brag:
“I knew in a minute
I’d look perfect in it
With my low co-efficient of drag.”

Andy Bassett:

A man told his boss “There’s a snag —
When you stepped out last night for a drag
Your phrasing so British
Made statesiders skittish,
Cuz you asked the desk clerk for a ‘fag.’”

Byron Ives:

Our golf outing hit a small snag;
Big Stu collapsed tending the flag.
Now what should we do?
We hit, then lugged Stu–
The rest of the round was a drag.

Ron B.:

A brash woman who managed to snag
A young farmer who majored in “Ag”
Said she gladly would yield
To his plow in her field,
If he kept all his seed in the bag.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (193)

Sunday, December 14th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The hooker was playing her grand
While caressing her customer’s gland.
When he asked “How d’you do it?”
She said “Nothing to it —
It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, C. Adams, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Richard Diakun, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ron B., and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Byron Ives:

He told her he’d charge just a grand
For a castle, built just as she planned.
She scowled, “You’re a leech,
Get off of this beach!
Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”

C. Adams:

A woman had hopes that were grand.
Get rich, that is what she had planned.
She became a celeb,
From some pics on the web.
I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.

Fred Bortz:

To Creationists, mankind is grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.

Robert Schechter:

There’s just one piano, the grand,
Upon which I’d deign lay a hand.
Don’t think for a minute
I’d play a damn spinet.
Such keyboards are banned from my band.

Richard Diakun:

I owed my old bookie nine grand
The games didn’t go as I planned
Now, Tony wants bank
Or his boys break my crank–
It’s useless since they broke my hand!

Will T. Laughlin, for his acrostic limerick:

“We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
Have decided to NOT reprimand.
In fact, you might say
That we functioned today
Exactly the way we were planned.”

Colleen Murphy:

He claimed the ring cost him a grand.
“The finest in all of the land.”
But I felt some distrust
When is started to rust
And it left a green mark on my hand.

Ron B., for his “No Grander Philanderer:”

A man whose delusions were grand
expected that just as he planned
his wife and his lover
would gladly discover
that neither could meet his demand.

Konrad Schwoerke:

“For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
“No, oblivion’s best;
I don’t want to be stressed.”
So I buried his head in the sand.

And congratulations to Jon Gearhart and Jonathan Jensen, who jointly win a special Political Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Jon Gearhart:

Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
With one foot in his mouth,
His head stuffed up down south,
Still golfing and leading our land!

Jonathan Jensen:

Oh, political potshots are grand,
But your mindset I don’t understand.
It’s not “44”
Who took us to war
And laid waste to a far distant land.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (192)

Sunday, December 7th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

At work, I’m surrounded by brains.
With an ardor that none of them feigns,
They read Einstein and Bohr,
Stephen Hawking and more,
Whereas my speed is more Dick and Jane’s.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Craig Dykstra, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

A zombie who eats people’s brains
Makes sure they are not mixed with grains.
He may be undead,
But he still can’t eat bread,
So a gluten-free guy he remains.

Robert Schechter:

A fellow with plenty of brains,
Economist John Maynard Keynes,
Famously said
‘In the long run we’re dead,’
So be glad that the short run remains.

Brian Allgar:

Today, I am using my brains
Elsewhere than on rhymes and refrains,
For although it’s not funny,
The “day job” makes money,
Which cannot be said of Mad Kane’s.

Tim James:

A man who was more brawn than brains,
To “improve” his appearance took pains
To remove all his hair
As his weight he would pare.
To sum up, then: he waxes and wanes.

Sue Dulley:

If athletes donated their brains
Concussion research could make gains,
So when you depart
Please hand over your heart
And those other remaining remains.

Craig Dykstra:

I’ve been missin’ a gal who’s got brains
‘Cause her head’s filled with clever quatrains,
Also lovely haiku
Plus a lim’rick or two.
Whose brains you say? Madeleine Kane’s!

Konrad Schwoerke:

I get sick when I eat someone’s brains.
Though I puke, all their knowledge remains.
I make billions of dollars
From munching on scholars;
So what if they’re ill-gotten gains?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (191)

Sunday, November 30th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT BASLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Oh honey, please look at my butt.
Does this dress make it bigger, or what?
But before you reply
I am armed, which is why
You shouldn’t just go with your gut.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Byron Ives, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

There were no ifs or ands, just a but
(With only one “t”– this ain’t smut!),
But an editor’s threat
Made me change it to “yet”
And the but was accordingly cut.

Brian Allgar:

Sarah Palin is often the butt
Of deriders who think she’s a nut.
Though she has, it is true,
A one-figure IQ,
Her mouth is quite cute – when it’s shut.

Fred Bortz:

A billy goat shows he can butt,
While a peacock will swagger and strut,
But a macho man here
Will just guzzle his beer
And display his protuberant gut.

Kathy El-Assal:

Derrière is just one word for butt.
Of synonyms there are a glut:
Ass, tochus and heinie
(Bodacious to tiny)
Be cheeky, don’t fall in a rut!

Byron Ives:

Life is sometimes a kick in the butt,
And for most, it’s just not that clear cut.
Oh, sure, you can prove
You’re in a great groove,
And then wonder, is this groove a rut?

Tim James:

A guy had a pain in the butt
When, surprised in the midst of a rut
By the gal’s jealous man,
He got shot in the can,
Thus depriving this cock of his strut.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!