Welcome to the fashion and shopping humor section of my site, featuring humor columns, limericks, light verse, and other humor about mall shopping with your spouse, the WonderBra, color dated apparel, buying gifts, shopping for a house, buying lingerie with your mother, Valentine's Day shopping advice, and shopping while you should be vacationing, all by Madeleine Begun Kane.
Secret Shopper "'I'm not going in there. No way. Forget it.' My seventy-something mother's stance was as rigid as her words; arms folded across her chest, unyielding legs pointed away from the shop I'd just suggested..."
Suitable Verse "A man who owned only one suit
Could afford many more with his loot. ..."
Dotty Men "A guy in a polka dot tie
Felt stylish, though heaven knows why. ..."
Shoo, Heels! "Iím short. Five-foot-zero, to be specific. But I never wear heels. Okay, I do have one pair of special-occasion shoes with a one-inch heel. Does that even count? ..."
Mad Gift Giving Guide "Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale..."
Traveling Baggage "Vacation travel. A time to relax, mellow out, let loose and forget your cares. To indulge yourself, boogie till dawn, gorge on gourmet fare. To spend an entire day shopping for a "must have" item you forgot to pack..."
Ode To The White House Fashion Police "The White House fashion police are at it again: First Lady Michelle Obama was caught wearing shorts on her way to a Grand Canyon vacation! The horror! ..."
Wonderbra Song (An ode to a notorious piece of women's underwear. To be sung to "Miracle of Miracles" from "Fiddler on the Roof")
"Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Wonderbra can make you huge..."
The Blue and the Gray "I have great news for all you fashion loving fans of navy blue: Navy blue is the new black. Or to be precise, navy blue is the new gray which (until roughly twenty seconds ago) used to be..."
Open Sesame (Limerick)
"Why on earth are CDs packed so tight?
You canít hear them without a huge fight. ..."
Keeping Abreast Of Bras (Limerick)
"There are gals who view bras as a gift,
For without Ďem their breasts are adrift. ..."
Gray Matters (Limerick)
"Though young when I started to gray,
I refused to say, ďGray, go away!Ē ..."
Antique Antics (Limerick)
"Is this lampshade antique or just old?
They tell me itís rare. Iím not sold. ..."
Surfing For Madeleines "I want to be Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Not that I'm power hungry or anything like that. Hey, cut out the snide comments ... and that's an order..."
Hapless Home Buyer's Guide "The road to buying a house is paved with dwindling bank accounts, devious brokers, and home owners who (you hope) are desperate to sell. Yes, it's a challenge. But with the help of these easy to follow instructions, you can negotiate your way into unthinkable debt..."