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September 6, 2005

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya seems to be AWOL again. I went hunting for him, but all I could find was this 404 error page.

May 26, 2005

Note from Mad Kane: Sorry for the lack of fresh entries! Dubya's been busy saving Social Security and giving tax cuts to wealthy embryos.

But I have lots of new political song parodies, limericks, and other humor (including audio) on my Political Madness Blog, which is updated several times a week. I hope to see you there!

February 25, 2005

Dear Diary -- I haven't written in here fer a real long time, cause I hate writin even more than I hate readin. Which reminds me -- I can't believe the press actually bought me readin that Sharansky guy's democracy book. Talkin about democracy's one thing, but readin about it? That's Condi's job -- that and writin me mini-book reports. Just in case I get asked a trick question like what's my favorite philosopher. Thank God fer Jesus!

But gettin back ta my not writin here, Laura says if I ever want ta get big bucks fer a book, like Poppy's new best pal Bill Clinton (What the hell's that about?) I have ta write enuff here ta give Karen somethin ta work with.

Anyway, I'm just back from Old Europe where that damn Chirac had the nerve ta speak French! Which means he just blew his last chance at playin cowboy at my ranch.

And speakin of blowin -- that Gannon thing refuses ta go away. So I told Karl that this time he went too far. But he just laughed and said, you're still President, aren't you?

Good point!

November 8, 2004

Dear Diary -- Where the hell does Arlen Specter come off tellin me who I can and can't send up fer a Sup Ct appointment? Of course, Karl sicked the talk radio guys on him & scared him inta denyin he ever said it. Plus Rove started a rumor that Ashcroft's on my Sup Ct short list. Yeah, like I'm gonna send that crazed eagle-singer anywhere but packin home ta wherever he lost an election to a dead guy.

But Karl's a genius, just like he's always remindin me. Cause after floatin a loony-bird rumor like that, anyone else I nominate's gonna seem like a Massachusetts liberal.

Anyway, if Arlen wants ta head up that judge committee, he better damn well swear on a Bible that all my nominees'll soar right through.

Which reminds me -- I'm itchin ta get started. What's taking Rehnquist so long? It's kick off time!

November 4, 2004

Dear Diary -- Wow! Kerry sure gave up a whole lot quicker than Gore did. Who knew he was such a cut & run kinda guy? Maybe those Swift Boat fellers were on ta somethin, after all -- hahaha!

Anyway, so now I got myself another four years. Which is kinda amazin, cause I thought I was a goner after that first debate, between those back photos and the mix-up with my meds.

But good ol Karl never worried. He kept sayin "Have faith!" And I kept tellin him, "Of course I have faith in God. God talks ta me at least twice a day." But Karl said, "Screw God -- I'm talkin faith in Diebold."

Sometimes Karl goes a little weird on me. But hell, he gets the job done, so he can worship Satan fer all I care. And rumor has it that he does.

August 29, 2004

Dear Diary -- Well, the big day's comin in just a coupla days. Though I'd just as soon skip it and go directly ta my 2nd inauguration. Cause speech-makin in New York isn't exactly my idea of a good time. Actually, anything in New York isn't exactly my idea of a good time. Except maybe acceptin really big checks.

I still can't believe one of the twins wants ta teach school in that evil city. And in Harlem yet, just a coupla blocks from the guy whose recession I inherited.

And speakina has-been ex-presidents, Dad called me again ta congratulate me, but I refused ta take his call. Cause I sure as hell don't need ta go through the whole Iraq war argument with him again. Plus he's still hopin I'll change my mind at the last minute and let him speak at the convention. Just what I need is old Poppy tryin ta make me look bad again. How's it my fault that I didn't inherit the old feller's way with words?

Which reminds me, Karen yelled at me fer not practicin my speech at the ranch. Yeah right -- like I'm gonna practice a speech when I can be ridin my mountain bike.

I'd still rather give my speech remote-like from the ranch, wearin the great cowboy hat the meat guys gave me. Cause that'd play one hell of a lot better on TV, then me behind a New York convention podium -- with the librul press showin photos of demon-strators with mean signs, singin songs that should get em arrested.

But Karl says the delegates'd feel cheated if I pulled a no-show. And that the press'd play it like I'm cuttin & runnin. So I'll go down or up there and give my damn speech, & make nice with the firemen. And try ta figure out how ta get the hell outta there without spendin the night.

August 17, 2004

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's been too depressed to post here lately. But I have lots of new political song parodies, limericks, and other humor on my Notables Weblog, which is updated several times a week. Here's how my latest song parody starts:

The GOP Hits New York (to be sung to "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again")
"The GOP bash will soon be here.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Won't give 'em a hearty welcome cheer.
Oh, no! Oh, no
They'll swarm our bars and they'll crowd our streets.
They'll praise and laud their nominees.
And we won't feel gay when
The GOP hits New York..."

The rest of The GOP Hits New York is here.

July 8, 2004

Dear Diary -- Damn those Dems! They ruined my birthday with a buncha mean fancypants poems.

Plus Nader's ballot problems and that Mass Lib's VEEP pick have got Karl real worried. He was really hopin fer a Kerry/Gephardt ticket, even though that Dick called me a miserable failure. Cause Karl says the thought of Cheney havin ta debate Edwards makes his head hurt.

Which reminds me -- a lot of my pals want me to Cheney Cheney.

But like I told Karl, I can't dump Dick cause I'm always loyal ta my pals -- except when I'm not -- hahaha!

June 10, 2004

Note from Mad Kane: I'm so pleased to see that Bush isn't exploiting and politicizing Ronald Reagan's death.

Dubya Takes The High Road
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Reflected glory Dubya seeks
From Reagan's mourned demise.
Too bad that next to Forty-Three
Ron's statesmanlike and wise.

May 21, 2004

Dear Diary -- That RED house livin, brie eatin, wine swillin, California bitch Pelosi has some hellofa nerve sayin "the Emperor has no clothes!" Fer one thing, I dress a whole lot better then she does. And fer another, I much prefer Dictator or Czar.

Though I've gotta give Pelosi credit -- she has one cute lookin package of a daughter. (Note to self: Don't say that out loud in fronta Laura.)

Gotta go now -- it's time fer some just pretend Bible readin. Which is a lot more fun ever since I hid those hot torture photos inside my Presidential Bible.

And speakina torture, my poll numbers are killin me! I've gotta figure out whose fault it is: Rummy, Rove, or God.

April 29, 2004

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's been busy not answering good questions. Here's what I've been up to:

Alpha Politics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

"A" is for John Ashcroft and the liberties he's mauled.
"B" is for Barb Bush and hub. Dub's birth is all their fault.

"C" is for Ms. Condi Rice, who speaks so many lies.
"D" is for the Dixie Chicks, who dare to Bush despise.

"E" is for our soon to be Ex-Prez George Dubya Bush.
"F" is for Al Franken, and his mean and funny Rush.

"G" is for Gen. Boykin, who believes Bush speaks with God.
"H" is for Ms. Karen Hughes, who's tall of tale and bod.

The rest of Alpha Politics is here.

April 13, 2004

Note from Mad Kane: Please forgive Dubya's infrequent postings. He's been very busy ignoring PDB's, altering reality, and rehearsing his Dick & Dubya 9/11 panel ventriloquism routine.

March 29, 2004

Dear Diary -- Damn that Condi! She says she's perfectly happy ta lie fer me about Richard Clarke & other stuff, just like always. But she absolutely refuses ta do it under oath. And when I asked her what's the difference, she mumbled something about their not bein any pianos in prison. So much fer loyalty!

Oh well, at least my fabulous Karen's comin back ta me.

Of course, Karl isn't all that happy bout Karen's return. I may have ta change his name from The Brain ta Scaredy-Cat Karl.

March 3, 2004

Dear Diary -- They made me congratulate that tax lovin John Kerry last night and pretend to be classy.

Which reminds me -- I have ta call up Ashcroft today & calm him down over the gun bill. And ask him again why stuff like this isn't illegal.

February 24, 2004

Dear Diary -- Who cares what Lincoln Log Republicans think? I have to distract people from stuff like this.

February 17, 2004

Dear Diary -- I'm beyond bummed, cause my poll numbers keep goin down, down, down. Yet another reason not ta read the paper!

Plus they keep makin me give optimistic speeches, which is a whole lot harder than scarin people. And a lot less fun!

But Karl says there's no reason ta worry cause he has a real good plan.

February 7, 2004

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy cramming for his Tim Russert interview & trying to decide whether to throw Dick Cheney off the 2004 ticket. In his spare time he stands in front of the mirror, admires himself, and practices saying Massachusetts Liberal over and over and over again.

With all this pressure, the poor man is understandably exhausted, especially since lately he's been suffering from a sleep disorder: Several times each night Laura wakes up, notices Bush is AWOL, & finds him sleepwalking while repeatedly muttering the words "I want Dean. I want Dean. I want Dean."

January 21, 2004

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy recovering from his State of the Union address. He's also busy being berated by Dick Cheney for spilling water on him at the end of the speech. But I did commemorate the event with an interactive State of Disunion crossword puzzle.

January 8, 2004

Dear Diary -- My State of the Union Speech is comin up soon & fer once I'm lookin forward to it. And the best part is Karl promised that I'll get ta give at least four more of em.

Although Karl did admit he's just a teeny bit worried about that nasty Dean feller on accounta he's such a loose cannon. He says if Dean's the candidate I'm gonna have ta do a lotta extra debate practicin, cause Dean's the kinda guy that might make me lose my temper. I joked that these days everybody makes me lose my temper. That Karl has no sensa humor.

Anyway, I don't know see why I have to debate anybody. After all, I captured Saddam, and that's all anybody needs ta know.

But Karl says I won't be able to get outta at least a coupla debates, but that I'll be fine. Especially since I'm way taller than Dean & the tall guy always wins.

He also wants me ta watch some of my 2000 election tapes so I can remember how ta do my moderate, humble foreign policy, compassionate conservative shtick. Damn! I was hopin I'd only haveta use the cowboy act, which is a whole lot easier. Plus it gives me an excuse ta hang out at the ranch, clear cedar, and throw horseshoes at Barney.

Like I told Karl, I'm not worried about the election cause my pal Pat Robertson says God's on my side and that I'm gonna win no matter what. But Karl says God or no God, I still have to practice my SOTU speech.

January 1, 2004

Dear Diary -- I hear my FBI issued some kinda almanac alert on accounta those farmer books are jam packed with all kindsa evil information. But like I told old Ashy, I think all book readin types are suspicious, except maybe fer Laura. And sometimes I'm not even so sure about her.

I also told Ashy we need another alert fer anyone who watches anything on TV except sports and me.

I've got ta go now & head off fer some quail huntin with Poppy & Jimbo Baker. Hopefully, I won't kill any killdees this time ... or at least nobody'll catch me doin it.

I woulda invited Dick ta come along. But the only kinda huntin he likes is guaranteed no-miss pen-reared bird huntin -- perfect fer a lame-ass heart like his.

December 16, 2003

Dear Diary -- I got him!!! I got him!!! I got him!!! I got him!!! I got him!!! I got him!!! I got him!!! I got him!!! I got him!!!

I did it & Poppy didn't!!! I did it & Poppy didn't!!! I did it & Poppy didn't!!! I did it & Poppy didn't!!! I did it & Poppy didn't!!!

And I'm gonna remind mom about that, the next time she tells me ta take my shoes off of her damn table!

But Karl and everyone says I'm not allowed ta brag or ta gloat. Or at least not ta get caught doin it. But they didn't tell me I couldn't sing the Bushtown Races song Ashcroft wrote fer me:

The Democrats are always wrong.
Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
Now I'll be Prez for oh so long.
Oh! Doo-dah day!

Got Saddam jailed cause he wouldn't cave in.
Doo-dah! doo-dah!
My pals back home got a pocket full of tin.
Oh! De doo-dah day!

Goin' to run all night.
Goin' to run all day.
I'll bet my second term is in the bag.
Won't even bother to pray.

So long to lib'rals, now they know who's boss.
Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
I beat Iraq, never suffered a loss.
Oh! De doo-dah day!

Don't call me chicken cause I'm on a roll.
Doo-dah! doo-dah!
Now Saddam's mine, don't need no polls.
Oh! De doo-dah day!

Goin' to run all night.
Goin' to run all day.
I'll bet my second term is in the bag.
Won't even bother to pray.

December 8, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's been too busy sneaking in and out of countries to write in his diary. Not to mention trying to punish Richard Gephardt for this.

November 24, 2003

Dear Diary -- Boy am I glad ta be back home. Okay not home, exactly, cause DC ain't home. But it sure as hell beats the UK. No wonder those fellas revolted!

Anyway, every time I turned around they were pointin me at bad art & smelly old books. Or makin me hug widows who need a dentist.

Plus those Brits are so inta time-wastin ceremonies, I almost threw up. Kinda like Poppy did, but someplace else.

And their dinner toast cermonies are way beyond confusin. One night at some big deal dinner thrown by the Queen -- or maybe her dead mother -- I got so mixed up, I near ta threw my Coca Cola down the Princess's lap.

Of course Condi and the etiquette cops tried ta get me ta practice all that nonsense before I left. But who has the patience fer such foolishness, when I can be watchin a game?

Ta make matters even worse, those Turkish attacks couldna been worse timed if they did it on purpose. Which reminds me -- Once when Tony said he wanted ta talk about Turkey, I thought he meant Thanksgiving and started tellin him about me pardonin some turkey that tried ta bite me.

When he told me he meant a country that had just been attacked, we had a real big laugh. Well I did, anyway.

November 17, 2003

Dear Diary -- I'm really lookin forward ta my UK trip & ta seein my good pood... I mean, pal... Tony again. And ta celebratin our "special relationship." And workin on our "get the hell outa Iraq while the goin's good" policy.

But I'm not so thrilled about stayin at the Palace, cause that damned Queen nixed mosta my security demands. Who the hell does she think she is? If she doesn't watch out I'll ask her about her family black sheep again. Or maybe even have Laura design Old Queeny one of her optimistic rugs, with a giant black sheep right smack in the middle.

Actually, I can't on accounta mom called up & said I better not do anything embarassin this time. And she specifically said no talkin about sheep.

Mom's just in a bad mood on accounta her dumb book's sellin a whole lot worse then that slobbo guy's Dude, Where's My Country. Note to self: Ask Ashcroft again why that creep isn't in jail.

Anyway, the main thing while I'm there is that I don't get shot at or bombed. And that nobody tries ta make me ride a horse.

November 12, 2003

Dear Diary -- Boy, did I give a great Vets Day speech yesterday! I really like honorin our Vets, especially the dead ones. Just so long as nobody makes me hug their relatives!

And speakina great speeches, I did a fabulous big vision one last week about how much I love democracy. Especially when it's in other countries -- hahaha!

Of course not everyone agreed, on accounta that damn 1st amendment. But my objective staffers loved it, and that's all that counts.

Besides, like Karl says, anything that changes the subject from those damn dead soldiers in body ba... Oops, I mean transfer tubes ... is fine by me.

Which reminds me, I was glad ta hear CBS caved on the Ronald Reagan flick. That should teach em a big time lesson. The next time they do a Republican Prez movie, they'll make it real true ta life like the one about me.

November 4, 2003

Dear Diary -- I've gotta find a better spot ta hide my diary. Cause Condi sneaked a peak at it and ratted me out ta Laura. She told her my diary's packed with blank pages and bad grammar.

Of course Condi denied it and used her usual excuse -- that it musta been a subordinate. But I know she's the leaker. So I told her that if she didn't fess up I'd sik Ashcroft on her. Which gave us both a big laugh!

Anyway, Laura says I've gotta remember my posterity -- I'd rather remember her posterior -- & write here more regular-like. And that I'd better start usin a dictionary.

So I told her if she didn't stop naggin me, I'd call her a lump again in public. But then she got me real mad by sayin I'd better worry about my own lumps -- the ones that've sprung up from me not bein able ta run. But like I told her: It's not my fault! Anybody could fall off a Seg... I mean hurt himself runnin.

I also said that I eat more when I'm nervous & I've got plenty ta be nervous about. My poll numbers keep sinkin, the media won't get off my case, the usual spinnin doesn't seem ta work anymore, & that crazy woman driver tried ta assassinate me last Saturday. But Laura wouldn't buy it & said nobody tried ta kill me.

How come Wolfowitz gets all the sympathy?

October 24, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's been too busy running around the world alienating people to post here lately. But I have a cartoon for you and a satirical poem about General Boykin.

Plus I did manage to get some juicy, exclusive leaks:
* Dubya refuses to pretend to read his mommy's new book.
* Dubya's added this guy to his enemies list, and Dick Cheney's added this guy to his.

October 15, 2003

Dear Diary -- Poppy yelled at me yesterday fer not bein my own man. Which kinda has me all confused, cause I thought Dick was my man.

He also says I haveta do a better job controlin my message, otherwise I'll be a one-termer like him. Which woulda been a hellofa lot easier if Karen hadna left me high & dry.

What the heck does high & dry mean, anyway? Last time I checked, I was dry, but I sure as hell wasn't high. Which reminds me, I sure hope Rush gets his act together in time ta help with my reelection.

Anyway, I've been way too busy tryin ta spread good news ta write in here lately. Plus refereein between Rummy, Dick, Condi, & Powell's exhaustin.

But I was so excited by the reaction ta my Laura love poem, I decided ta write another poem about that damn media filter. Take that Jimmy Carter!

Press Filter Follies
By George Dubya Bush

An evil filter is the press.
They lie and say Iraq's a mess.
Though things are going great down there,
You'll never hear it on the air.

A bomb or two or three or four.
That's all they speak of -- blood and gore.
Ignoring good news, that's their beat.
The lib'ral press wants my defeat.

Our soldiers like it at the front.
We're doing great. We're on the hunt.
Iraqis love the USA.
They're begging us to "please, please stay."

The media likes to dwell on death.
It gets them viewers, gets them read.
They live to publish lies and leaks.
They're just a bunch of sniv'ling sneaks.

Someday I'll get them back, I swear.
They'll rue the day they weren't fair.
John Ashcroft has big plans, you see.
For treason, the death penalty.

October 10, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: You wouldn't think Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld would sit for an interview with a humorist, especially one who writes song parodies like this. And you'd be right.

And I couldn't resist having a little fun with Governor Arnold. (No, not that kind of fun.)

October 3, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I'm just back from helping my parents relocate from Long Island, New York to North Carolina, so I'm way behind on everything. But I couldn't resist writing "The Traitorgate Song," a song parody about the outing of Joseph Wilson's CIAer spouse, Valerie Plame. I hope you enjoy singing it to "I Write The Songs," by Barry Manilow.

"The Traitorgate Song" (to be sung to "I Write The Songs")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The scandal started with a Niger lie
About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate.

The rest of The Traitorgate Song is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

September 22, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy trying to beg the U.N. for help, without screwing up his macho, go-it-alone image. His biggest problem (other than his own cockiness, stubbornness, and incompetence, of course) is France. So I've decided it's time to bash the French bashers.

And speaking of bashing, I've also had some fun with lawyers. (Before you send off those angry letters, you should know that I'm a recovering attorney, myself.)

September 15, 2003

Dear Diary -- I can't take it anymore! Last night I called Poppy & told him I'm packin my bags & goin back ta Texas.

Course I wouldn't be the one packin my bags: The President has people ta do stuff like that. Which these days seems like the only good parta the job.

Cause bein the leader a the world is a whole lot harder than they promised. Plus, whenever things went wrong before, Poppy always got his friends ta fix it. But not this time! In fact, it's Poppy's friends that got me inta this mess -- especially guys like Don "Cakewalk" Rumsfeld & Dick "Halliburton" Cheney.

And that great payin, just-pretend Halliburton job Dick promised me fer when I'm done bein Prez is all well & good. But right now all I care about is Right Now! And Right Now I'm gettin killed in the polls & I even had ta go pleadin ta the chocolate makin, old Europe UN fer help.

The only thing more humiliatin than that, would be ta lose in 2004 ta one a those Traitor Dems who think I should eat crow over my so-called mistakes. Well, they can go eat a different four-letter word!

Also, now that it looks like I won't be able ta pull off my new media rules promise, certain press guys are startin ta get critical and ask questions that are real hard ta answer. I mean, Dick & Rummy & Condi somehow still manage ta doubletalk em ta death. And if Ari was still here, he'd be able ta do it too. But fer me, doubletalkin without a script makes me dizzy.

And ta make matters even worse, people are bitchin & moanin about unemployment. Talk about petty! Besides, at the rate things are goin, I'll soon be unemployed too. Unless ya count that Halliburton thing.

Anyway, Poppy says I have ta stick it out cause Bushes don't cut & run. He also says I don't have ta worry about reelection, on accounta the new "improved" pollin machines, which I'm not supposta mention in this diary.

September 9, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy trying to raise both campaign cash and his polling numbers, while Rummy's running around condemning Bush critics as traitors. As for me, I've been busy writing "The Traitor Tune," to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain." It begins:

The Traitor Tune (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.
Nothing more than an Al Qaeda pal and tool.
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.

The rest of The Traitor Tune is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

September 4, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: You've probably seen that photo of George Bush dropping his pet dog Barney. But I'll bet you haven't seen Dubya's dog of a defense.

August 29, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Here's something seriously cool: USA TODAY quoted from my Blackout Song Parody in a feature story by Edward Iwata entitled Megawatt jokes fly after blackout. And to say I'm in good company, would be a megawatt understatement. The other quoted comics are Bill Maher, Will Durst, Jay Leno, Elaina Newport (from Capitol Steps), and Lewis Black.

August 26, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: In honor of John Ashcroft's Patriot Act tour, I've written Spying Days Are Here Again, a song parody to be sung to Happy Days Are Here Again.

August 21, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I'm proud to announce that is the:

Birthplace of The Fair & Balanced Song

August 18, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy pretending to make important calls to world leaders and recovering from an illuminating blackout.

August 11, 2003

Dear Diary -- I'm havin a great time at the ranch, clearin brush & fishin & torturin my aides by makin em join me in my runs. Mosta them are such weenies, they're more likely ta faint then ta earn theirselves a 100 Degree Club tee.

And speakina weenies, I had the Powells over and gave his wife whatshername a big talkin to. He's so annoyin, I don't give a damn if he stays on as my Secy of State. But no way will I let either of em mess with my Black Vote!

Which reminds me, Karl's real prouda his Davis Terminator scheme. I guess it's okay that Arnold's runnin fer governor, even though he'll never be as good a Reagan as me. But when I run outta great movies ta watch, it'll be Karl Rove's fault.

Of course it coulda been a whole lot worse. At least I still have Austin Powers.

Karl wants me ta campaign fer Arnold. Which gives me a great idea! Perot says he might run fer Prez next year, so he can do ta me what he did ta Poppy. Maybe I should offer ta help Arnie in CA, if he promises ta "terminate" Perot.

August 4, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy clearing brush & trying to keep logs out of his eyes. And trying to lose those extra 5 pounds of "muscle." But I did write a new song parody, dedicated to "fabulous" Condi Rice:

Fabulosa Condoleeza (to be sung to "Mona Lisa")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Condoleezza, Condoleezza, Dub adores you.
You're so fine at saying falsehoods with a smile.
Is it cause you're female, Condi, that they've blamed you
For your fabulosa fakery and guile?

The rest is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

July 31, 2003

Dear Diary -- Next time the liberal press'll think twice before pesterin me fer a press conference. Cause I sprung one on em Wednesday, and I was fabulous! Those reporters were on the hunt, but they sure as hell didn't have me on the run!

When they asked if I'd take responsibility fer those SOTU speech words, I pretended ta give em what they wanted -- some throw-away line about me takin responsibility fer everything I do. And just like Karl predicted, they fell fer it. They gave me just the headlines & coverage I needed ta make this nonsense bout lyin go away in time fer a long relaxin vacation.

But no matter what I said, I still don't give a damn what the CIA thinks about the Niger thing. Or what those Dems pantin ta get inta my Oval Office think. Cause God blessed my speech & everything else I say or do. And the truth about Saddam'll come out -- even if I have ta put it there.

The press also fell fer my optimistic act, sayin I was upbeat and believed that the stuff I've done will make the economy turn around. Of course I'm upbeat -- I've got a month at the ranch ta look forward ta. Plus so much dinero in my reelection till, it doesn't matter what happens with the economy. Those Dems are wastin their time!

Ashy, who just loves ta find fault, says I confused some Bible reference when I was remindin people that homos are sinners and that I stand fer good stuff like marriage. I guess I shoulda known that logs are too big ta get stuck in an eye. But it wasn't my fault -- I was busy thinkin about clearin brush.

Anyway, like I said at the press conference, I'm a results kinda guy & I'm makin the country more secure. Plus the economy'll get better if Congress does what I tell em ta.

And I won't rest till people have got jobs. As long as it doesn't interfere with my vacations!

July 29, 2003

Dear Diary -- Yesterday was "pretend I care about blacks" day, so I spoke ta the Urban League. And it was extra annoyin cause I couldn't do a lotta my regular stump speech. Like if I talked about cuttin spendin, Karl said I'd probably get lynched.

So instead, I gave em some line about "not tirin till we've extended the great promise of America to every neighborhood in America." Kinda like "Leave No Neighborhood Behind," but way longer.

After my speech I met with Rep. Cummings & that awful Jesse Jackson. Then I got the hell outta there, before the guys tryin ta steal my job could show up.

Which reminds me -- Lieberman's been runnin around tellin people I'm givin a just war a bad name. He even did it on yesterday's Today Show. But Karl says not ta worry about it. When we're through with Lieberman, he'll be lucky ta get on the History Channel.

July 26, 2003

Dear Diary -- Bill Clinton defended my Niger SOTU thing the other day, and now I'm all confused. Does that mean he isn't as evil as I thought he was? Can't be!

Karl says it just means that Hillary wants ta run fer Prez in '08 ... or was it '04? I couldn't really follow what he was sayin. But Karl's the Boy Genius, so I guess he must be right.

And speakin a geniuses, lotsa people think I should fire Condy Rice. But I hate ta do it cause she's my favorite foreign affairs tutor. Plus Condy's got a great set a ... uhm ... legs.

Dick says ta wait & see if all this blows over like everything else has, before decidin on Condy. And that the main thing is him & me have got ta be protected! No argument there!

But he also says that if I tease him once more bout his fund raisin speech screwups -- two times referrin ta Omaha Congressman Lee Terry as "Terry Lee" -- he'll only protect himself.

July 22, 2003

Dear Diary -- Good news! Saddam Hussein's evil sons are maybe probably dead. Karl was busy tryin ta create a WMD distraction, but they saved us the trouble.

Everyone's real excited about the new write to President Bush email system. I'm not sure why -- it's not like anyone ever reads that stuff. Public email is almost as boring as intelligence reports.

July 19, 2003

Dear Diary -- My press conference with Blair went okay, I guess, considerin that I was stuck stickin ta the script. But they said that after what happened Monday, from now on I can't make stuff up unless it's preapproved in advance.

Of course, I hate it when Tony & me give speeches back ta back. Cause he always makes me look bad. Must be the accent!

Blair wouldn't stop naggin me about those damn Brit criminals. I just don't understand why he's makin such a big deal about evil-doers. Besides, the guy's got much more serious stuff ta worry about -- like that dead mole.

But anyway, I did him a big-time favor and stopped the persecution till we can pow-wow & figure out what ta do with em. I'm not sure why I went along with it, especially since I'm still mad at him fer givin me such a lousy gift. I mean, a a toiletry bag? That guy's lucky I didn't squeeze our favorite toothpaste inta his soup!

Laura says Tony probably cheaped out with the gift on accounta he's mad that I attacked Iraq before he was expectin me ta. But what's a coupla days between friends?

July 15, 2003

Dear Diary -- I'm finally back from Africa. What a shameless nation -- they even watch elephants havin sex. No wonder Bill Clinton's so popular there!

It sure seemed like ta me that everywhere I looked, there was roads & hotel rooms named after him. Just as well, I suppose. Cause not over my dead body will anything be named after him here.

Anyway, other than pansy Tenet takin the fall fer my SOTU speech, things are goin downhill fast. My polls are approachin toilet territory, Ari left me yesterday, & I'm a little bit worried about Scott. Cause he doesn't lie nearly as good as Ari. Plus some press types wrote that Scott's responsive ta the needs a reporters. What the hell's up with that?

Plus people are makin a big deal just cause soldiers die in Iraq from time ta time. I don't know what they want from me -- I never said it'd be a yellowcakewalk.

July 10, 2003

Dear Diary -- Visitin the nation of Africa is even worse than visitin old Europe! Just what I need ta be doin -- givin "slavery is bad-blah-blah-blah" speeches. And ridin on a road named after Clinton.

Besides, it just isn't safe here -- the minute I'm back in DC, I'm gettin checked out fer AIDS!

Plus Karl said that if they fessed up ta the Niger nonsense while I was away, I wouldn't have ta deal with it or answer any pesty questions. Well that worked real well!

And mosta the so-called leaders here don't know the meanin a gratitude! As fer Mandela -- not only did he diss me on Iraq, but the coward skipped town ta avoid meetin me. Like he woulda been so lucky! I sure hope he doesn't hold his breath fer a ranch invite.

Which reminds me -- New Zealand isn't gettin a ranch invite neither -- not till they get rid a that White House brothel.

But gettin back ta this damned trip, Karl & Dick swore it'd be worth my while. But there has got ta be a better way ta way ta get my hands on their oil & buy black votes.

And if I hear one word bout how much they like Bill Clinton here, I may have ta pull a Poppy & throw up. I guess they're suckers fer someone who'll waste 2 days on a safari. An hour's more then enuff fer me!

Which reminds me -- I hear some 9/11 committee wants ta question Clinton & me. Well, they can have a good time botherin Clinton, if he's stupid enuff ta do it. But nobody gets ta question or 2nd guess me! Except maybe God.

July 5, 2003

Dear Diary -- I got the holiday off to a good start Thursday by pickin my 1st 6 military tribunal captives. It was real hard ta choose & I still don't understand why I could only pick 6. Still, it was almost as cool as denyin death penalty reprieves.

And speakina cool: Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on! Bring 'em on!

Sayin that line makes me feel all tingly & ... uh ... never mind.

But I'm not supposeta say it anymore on accounta people are tryin ta link my taunts ta the latest gorilla attacks. Which aren't my fault cause I inherited the Iraq mess from Clinton. Just like I inherited the Mideast mess, the recession, Liberia, bin Laden, & a buncha other Clinton messes God's helpin me clean up.

Though I guess technically I inherited the Liberia mess from Lincoln.

Anyway, I never thought I'd say this, but I hate inheritances! Except the tax-free one I can't wait ta get from Poppy.

July 2, 2003

Dear Diary -- Some new comic -- Dennis Miller - just started campaignin fer me. Mosta the time I haven't a clue what he's talkin about. Plus he isn't nearly as funny as Drew Carey. But at least he looks like he has a passin acquaintance with a treadmill.

And speakina celeb types, from now on No Photo Ops unless I know what they're famous fer. Cause I just assumed that Ruth woman was somebody's grandma. Or else a really tiny writer. Jeez, a sex expert? Ashy's gonna go crazy!

Which reminds me -- Laura's freakin cause it leaked out that she had someone buy a kiddy's book fer some TV appearance & then returned the used book fer credit. I don't see what the problem is -- she's just settin a good frugal example fer the American people.

I've gotta go now & raise me another pile a moola.

June 29, 2003

Dear Diary -- I haven't had time ta write here. Cause I been too busy torturin Laura & the twins about what gifts I'm gettin fer my birthday. And they'd better be safer then the Segway!

But I haveta say I can't believe any a these damn Dems thinks he's got a snowflake's chance in hell a beatin me. I mean, get real! I've got all the dinero. Not ta mention me bein a war hero!!! While all the Dems have got are some stupid theme songs.

June 26, 2003

Dear Diary -- I almost forgot ta mention the great line I said ta Abbas at the summit: "God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them." God stuff is great for negotiations!

Which reminds me -- I ain't negotiatin with the Dems when it comes ta pickin the next Sup Court Judge, or Justice, or whatever the hell they call theirselves. Of course, Karl says it'll be easier if I don't have ta name one till my 2nd term. But I'm itchin fer one of em ta retire ASAP, cause I'm on a roll!

And speakina rolls, Laura says I'm gettin one. Note to self: No more jacket-less photo ops until my leg's good enuff ta jog again.

Laura's been helpin out with the fund raisin in between tellin people they should read. As long as she doesn't tell em ta read Hillary's book!

If she wants ta recommend a book by a girl, she should stick to stuff like Treason by that blond who looks like she never eats. The one they say is writin a weblog -- whatever that is.

June 23, 2003

Dear Diary -- Fund raisin's been goin just great, except fer me havin ta go to New York today & pretend ta like Pataki. But other than fund raisin & launchin the tee-ball season Sunday, everything else sucks big time!

Fer one thing, it looks like Saddam's still not dead. Hell, fer all we know he's out partyin with bin Laden.

Plus, though Karl promised me everyone'd ferget the WMDs by now, the story ain't goin away. Even George Will's on my case!

And they made me make a speech explainin how great we're doin in Iraq, which I told em I couldn't say with a straight face. But it worked out okay -- you don't need a straight face on the radio.

Anyway, Boy Genius Karl (whose name I'm thinkina changin ta Loud Mouth) swears that if short attention spans don't put the WMD story ta bed, Iran & North Korea nukes will. Which reminds me -- I'm havin a real hard time decidin which ta attack next. But Karl says don't worry -- the main thing right now is ta keep em both in play. Cause Nov. '04's still a long ways away.

June 19, 2003

Dear Diary -- Tony Blair's freakin on accounta he'll be out on his ass real soon, if we don't find WMDs ASAP. So, wimp that he is, he's startin ta panic. And he's pushin fer quicky plea deals with Iraq prisoners, who can maybe give us a hint where the damn stuff is hidin.

But like I told him, these things can't be rushed. Cause I've got plenty a time -- till Nov. '04.

That'll teach him ta make nice with Chirac behind George Bush's back!

Besides, as much as I'd like ta find the WMDs, it doesn't much matter. Cause like Karl's always sayin, I can't be stopped! The Dems can dream all they want about the I-word. But with my pals runnin the House, nobody'd say "Boo!" even if I messed with an intern.

Not that I'd ever bother. Cause wagin war is a lot more fun!

June 17, 2003

Dear Diary -- I hear some Swede or Dane or Norway guy's pushin ta nominate Bill Clinton ta head up NATO. Not over my dead body!

I've gotta go practice sayin revisionist historians some more. And ask Condy why I can't just call em liars.

June 16, 2003

Dear Diary -- What an awful weekend! Fer one thing, Poppy beat me at golf. And I don't care what he says -- it's not enjoyin the game that counts!

Also, Ari's tearin what's lefta his hair out over that damn Segway photo plastered all over the news. How was I supposta know ta turn the thing on first?

Of course Dick thinks the whole thing's funny. He crawled outta his cave long enuff ta call & brag that he never fell off a Segway. I told him if he doesn't find some WMDs soon, he'll be takin another kinda fall.

June 13, 2003

Dear Diary -- I'm up at the compound right now fer Poppy's 79th birthday. And I'm real sore on accounta fallin off that damn Segway.

Still, bein here sure beats runnin around givin Medicare speeches. Just yesterday I was in the state nobody knows I come from, sayin "The challenge fer America is to make sure that life-saving drugs are both affordable and available to America's seniors." I just love how senile seniors eat that stuff up!

And speakina senile seniors, I hear Trent Lott may be may be writing one a them tell-all type books. Like Ari would say, if he wasn't leavin me -- Damn Him! -- Trent better watch what he says!

I've gotta go now and celebrate Poppy's birthday by whoppin him at golf.

June 11, 2003

Dear Diary -- Damn that Sharon! Where's he come off attackin terrorists without my permission? If I don't get me this year's Noble Peace Prize, I'm holdin him personally liable.

I'm also PO'd on accounta all the attention Hillary's gettin over her book. Who cares what she thinks?

Besides, politico wives shouldn't even be allowed ta write books. I can't imagine why Bill Clinton let her do it. And I'm sure as hell not lettin Laura write one. It's bad enuff she wastes so much time readin em.

And speakina politico wives makin book trouble, Neil had ta spend big time dineros ta keep his ex's trap shut. Talk about a close call!

But gettin back ta Hillary, maybe Bill let her write it on accounta needin the money. That's what happens when you're born inta the wrong kinda family.

Anyway, Karl says anything that makes people ferget the missin WMDS is fine by him.

June 9, 2003

Dear Diary -- I've been too busy wagin war, ta write here fer a real long time. But I'm in between wars right now, so I'll try ta catch up.

I'm just back from tourin too many countries ta count. And none of em compares ta the ranch -- which Chirac isn't gettin invited ta.

But I gave Vlad Putin a ranch invite, just ta rub that Frenchy's nose in it. Even though I'm none too pleased these days with Pootie Poot neither. But Condy said punishin Chirac'd work a whole lot better if I pretended ta forgive one of them old Europe types. And no way was I gonna pretend ta forgive Schroeder.

Of course the G8 was the usual waste a time. Although it was kinda cool makin Chirac squirm by leavin early fer my big appearance at the Mideast summit.

Not that I really wanted ta do the summit either. Fer one thing, it's way too hot there, even fer me. Plus I hate investin my rep on somethin that's bound ta fail, no matter how much I ride herd on those losers.

Especially since a coupla years back I blamed the Mideast mess on Clinton, sayin that when ya hold a summit ya'd better damn well succeed! Not that any press peons'll even remember me sayin it.

My favorite parta the trip was tourin concentration camps. Cause that gave me a great excuse ta say they remind us of the existence of evil. And how great I am at fightin it -- hahaha!

Which reminds me -- where the hell's the WMDs??? I know they're there, damn it!

But now everyone's makin a big stink, sayin I lied bout the intelligence & misled em inta attackin Iraq. Well of course I lied! I couldn't very well tell people my WMD intelligence came straight from God.

May 30, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I've finally figured out the Method to Dubya's Madness.

May 23, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Christie Whitman's resigned her EPA post. That deserves a song, don't you think?

Christie Whitman Went To Town (to be sung to "Yankee Doodle")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Christie Whitman went to town
To do George Dubya's bidding.
For power acted like a clown,
Enviro head unfitting.

Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected.
Water that's unsafe to drink
And air that should be tested.

The whole Whitman song parody is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

May 21, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I've posted a new song parody, Ari, Ari, in honor of Ari Fleischer's resignation. You'll find this musical spoof and lots of other new stuff on my Notables Weblog. And to those who've been wondering, Dubya's Dayly Diary will be back sometime in June.

May 13, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's Dayly Diary is still on hiatus. But I've posted a new cartoon, Dead or Alive, and I've updated my Notables Weblog.

May 7, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's Dayly Diary is still on hiatus. But in honor of Mitch Daniels' resignation as head of the OMB, I've written "Bye Bye Mitch," to be sung to "Bye Bye Love." Here's how it begins:

Bye Bye Mitch (to be sung to "Bye Bye Love")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bye bye Mitch,
Mitch D's quit, he says,
He helped make a mess,
I sure ain't gonna cry.

Bye bye Mitch,
Bye bye insolence,
And incompetence,
He's not my kind of guy.
I sure ain't gonna cry.

There goes Mitch Daniels to something new.
He'll run for office. I hope he'll lose.
He was Dub's henchman, till Daniels quit.
Good-bye to Mitch Daniels' fiscal myths.

Bye bye Mitch,
Mitch D's quit, he says...

The whole song parody is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

May 1, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I'm a Dixie Chicks fan, so I've been itching to comment on their PC (patriotic correctness) brouhaha. (I'm not sure who originated the phrase "patriotic correctness," but I love it.) I dedicate "Traitor" Chicks Serenade to the Dixie Chicks and hope you enjoy it:

"Traitor" Chicks Serenade" (to be sung to "Lollipop")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
So when they try to sing and play and dance,
Man, they haven't got a chance.

They call 'em Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
Traitor Chicks, Traitor Chicks, oh Traitor, Traitor, Traitor,
Traitor Chicks!

Did a nudie cover pose, tell you why,
They're using humor to combat the lies.
The wingnuts diss 'em till they can't see straight,
Though those Dixie Chicks are great!

The whole song parody is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

April 22, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's Dayly Diary is still on hiatus, due to my mother's hospitalization. But I did write a new song parody: "All I Want Is A New Regime" to be sung to "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" from "My Fair Lady."

All I Want Is A New Regime
By Madeleine Begun Kane

All I want is a new regime,
In the White House a brand new team,
From ear to ear I'd beam,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?

No more war talk from Bush and Blair,
Say good-bye to that plund'ring pair,
Bush out of my gray hair,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?

The rest is here, where you'll also find a sing-along midi link.

April 13, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: No doubt you've already read Slate's collection of The Poetry of D.H. Rumsfeld. But Slate overlooked one Don Rummy poem which was inspired by this:

The Rummy Poem Slate Missed
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Don Rumsfeld wants some muting
Of news that he's disputing
And photos he's refuting,
Cause we've won every fray.

So what if Baghdad's lawless?
Democracy ain't flawless.
Who cares if there's some chaos
In our Baghdad today?

Forget about the looting.
Don't care about the shooting.
We all should be out rooting
For the U.S. each day.

Sure, liberty's untidy.
Who cares? Our force is mighty.
Cause God is on our side, see?
Praise the U.S. of A.

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