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Madeleine Begun Kane,
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NOTABLES WEBLOG (January through June 2004)


Madeleine Begun Kane
 
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Here's where I archive my January through June 2004 Notables Weblog posts. For my most recent blog postings, click here. And please don't forget to check out my latest humor columns, Dubya's Dayly Diary, and my other political humor.

July 7, 2004 (Bush Birthday Haiku!)

  • Well, yesterday was the big day! No, I'm not talking about Kerry's "Edwards is my running mate, even though he's much cuter and more charming than I am, damn him" announcement.

    Okay, that was important too, I'll grant you. But here's the really big news which, tragically, got lost in the VEEP hoopla: July 6 was Dubya's birthday, and Birthday Boy Bush got a special delivery gift from the DCCC folks over at The Stakeholder -- thousands of Bush birthday haiku, the results of a contest run by those creative rabble-rousers. And I'm pleased to say that one of my own contributions made it into the DCCC's Top Ten Bush Birthday Haiku list. Here's my winning entry:

    Happy birthday, Dub.
    The Presidency, you flubbed.
    Back to Crawford, bub!

    And yes, I know that, technically, haiku isn't supposed to rhyme. But you don't expect me to let a little thing like a poetry rule stand in my way, do you? Okay, just to prove I too can be obedient on occasion (but please don't tell hubby Mark), here's my non-winning entry:

    "Let freedom reign," George?
    We know that you meant "wane," George.
    You are freedom's bane.

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July 2, 2004 (Cheney 'Em All!)

  • Last week, when Dick Cheney inspired me to write him my Ode to the F-Word poem, I never expected to revisit the topic. But then I started noticing a new trend among lefty bloggers: verbing Cheney and turning his name into a delightful new curse word. So I couldn't resist writing yet another poem, which I hereby dedicate to the "Dump Bush/Expletive Deleted" campaign:

    Cheney 'Em All!
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    The "F word" and the "C word" and the "S word" and the rest
    Must make some room for "Cheney."
    As a curse word, it's the best.

    Instead of saying "f**k you," just say "Cheney you" next time.
    You'll like it, I assure you.
    As a curse word, it's sublime.

    And when perchance you want to tell some bastard where he stands,
    Explain that he has "Cheney'd up,"
    If "f**ked up" seems too bland.

    © July 2, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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June 30, 2004 (Libeled?)

  • An alleged writer, whose reading skills clearly rival George Dubya's, published a post that implies I'm anti-poor. Now I don't know whether to be P-O'd or amused, because any literate person who spends even two minutes reading my blog, knows that I'm a devout liberal who's spent the last three-plus years satirizing Bush and his cronies.

    Ms. Writer linked to my obviously anti-Bush Rename the Food Stamps Program Contest, cited a contest entry which offended her tender sensibilities, and didn't even inform her readers that it was a comment authored by somebody else and listed among a slew of satirical anti-Bush contest entries. Here's her post:

    //bitter// Make fun of poor people, ha ha ha. "Lard Cards," nice. Back when we got "food stamps" in 1993 in New Mexico, we just called it the EBT card -- more convenient, less likely to get traded/bought/stolen, a lot less paperwork, less shame for the, uh, POOR people because it looks like a debit card -- what's not to like? But poor people ("trailer trash") are always funny, I keep forgetting that. //bitter// But in terms of actual language use, I'll bet they get colloquially called something like "food stamp cards."

    So, am I overreacting? Should I be Mad? Or just amused. Oh ... and if you missed the results of my Rename the Food Stamps Program Contest a/k/a No Stomach Left Behind, they're right here.

  • The latest Carnival of the Vanities has been posted and it's one of the best yet.

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June 28, 2004 (And The Winner Is -- Results of the Rename the Food Stamps Program Contest)

  • Dear President Bush:

    Last week, the New York Times reported that you were renaming the Food Stamps Program and soliciting name suggestions from the general public.

    I didn't believe the story at first, figuring it was yet another example of media rumormongering. But when I found out it was true, I felt duty-bound to help. After all, I know how busy you must be, what with PlameGate, TortureGate, HalliburtonGate, and the rotten economy you inherited from Bill Clinton.

    So I sponsored a contest which yielded nearly 200 creative suggestions from well over 100 people, submitted via comments, message board, and email.

    Here's the Winners' List, which you are free to use as you see fit, provided you comply with Trademark Law, Copyright Law, Contract Law, and any other law those pesky trial lawyers may come up with:

    FIRST PLACE (& the Winner of $10 in PayPal Cash)

    The Diner's Grub (Scaramouche)

    SECOND PLACE

    WMD - Weapons of Mass Digestion (J. Allen)

    THIRD PLACE

    The "Ronald Reagan Supplemental User Card Kiosk System" - or simply "Reagan SUCKS" program. The cards can soon be known as "Ron Cards" or simply "Reagans", as America's poor and hungry think about our greatest President (after Van Buren, Harding and McKinley) when they go to the supermarket. (TheTalkingDog)

    HONORABLE MENTIONS (in no particular order)

    Infrequent Feeder Meals (Sauceruney)

    Virtual Nourishment card (Kevin Hayden of The American Street)

    Here is your f***ing food! (Dick Cheney suggestion, ghostwritten by Paul)

    Grubya (Ez Kramer )

    Sustenance To Assure Repasts for Virtually Everyone (STARVE) (Steve Bates, the Yellow Doggerel Democrat)

    StomachOne (Ron H.)

    I went to college for 4 years and all I got was this lousy food card. (Cindy Bralek)

    1000 Points of Hunger (Dave Cogan)

    The GYPP ID Card - Get Your Piece of the Pie ... I Did! (Reality Mom)

    Bits for Bites (KEJ)

    Sustenance Related Program Activity (Harry)

    I Can't Believe It's Not Food Stamps (Satan at Disinfotainment Today)

    Feedyah Card (Mark Kane a/k/a Hubby Mark)

    Put Food on the Family Funds (J. Feldman)

    Patriotically yours,

    Madeleine "Mad" Kane

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June 26, 2004 (Ode to the F-Word)

  • I couldn't resist waxing poetic about Vice President Dick Cheney's little temper tantrum:

    Ode to the F-Word
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Dick Cheney said a curse word,
    Right on the Senate floor.
    The news guys choke back giggles as Dick's F-word they report.

    They try to look so solemn,
    As if they're shocked and awed.
    How 'bout they show some shock and awe at Cheney's lies and fraud?

    © June 26, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

    I'll post the results of my Rename the Food Stamps Program Contest on Monday afteroon.

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June 23, 2004 (Rename the Food Stamps Program -- Contest with Prize)

  • I was amused to learn about a new Bush administration goal: It wants to change the name of the Food Stamps Program (since it no longer uses stamps) and is soliciting suggestions from the public. I've taken a personal interest in this. Why? Because many years ago, in order to subsidize my symphony orchestra oboist habit, I worked for the Nassau County, New York Food Stamps Department.

    Needless to say, I couldn't resist the challenge, and the new name I've come up with is "Leave No Stomach Behind."

    But I think it's important to give Dubya a wide selection of creative names. So, as a public service, I challenge my readers to come up with some good names and post them in my comments. If I get suggestions from ten or more people, I'll even award a prize -- $10 in PayPal cash.

    UPDATE: Thanks for the many creative contest entries, and please keep them coming. I'll continue to accept entries throughout the weekend and I'll post the contest results Monday afternoon.

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June 22, 2004 (Number Fudging A La Bush)

  • The Bush administration has been forced to issue a terror report do-over with spanking new numbers showing a rise in terror. Of course, the no longer operative numbers were merely errors that "crept in," with no political motivation whatsoever. Uh-huh. Just like all those other error-laden reports about racial disparities in health care, Medicare prescription drug bill estimates, and the EPA's proposed mercury emissions rules had absolutely nothing to do with ideology and were innocent mistakes. Sorry, but I'm not buying. Here's the real Bush policy on number fudging:

    Number Fudging A La Bush
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    We've won the anti-terror fight,
    As you can plainly see.
    For numbers never lie unless
    We change them sneakily.

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June 21, 2004 (Evil Trial Attorneys)

  • This is beyond ironic: Bush plans to screen whole US population for mental illness. How about we start with Bush?

  • So Dubya's good pal Kenny Boy may soon be needing one of those evil trial attorneys. Perhaps Bush can put in a good word with his.

    And speaking of lawyers, from time to time people ask me why I walked away from practicing law. So I decided to post a piece I wrote 10 years ago on that very subject. Diary of a Bashed Attorney, which was first published in Pacific Magazine and Funny Times, begins:

    March 5, 1993

    Why did I go to law school? Work is unbearable, I have no free time, and I'm expected to "make rain" at parties. To somehow extract legal fees from revelers who sidle up, drinks in one hand, hors d'oeuvres in the other, looking for free advice. My reward? Lawyer jokes:

    Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?
    Answer: You don't know, either?

    I can't believe I fell for that one.

    March 22

    I wonder if killing the managing partner would be justifiable homicide. He actually asked me why I'm not billing clients for time I spend in the john. And he meant it. So I said "You're right. I always think about clients while relieving myself. In fact, I find the process quite stimulating."

    The legal-hotshot, who apparently slept through Sarcasm 101, said "Good. I'll expect to find it reflected on your bills." Then he told me if I don't become more productive, I'll never make partner. Of course, what he really meant was more "creative."

    I wonder what weapon I should use.

    April 16

    W.... doesn't want to pay his bill. He asked me how a simple will could cost $6,500. I was tempted to tell him nothing costs less than $6,500 after it's been drafted by a paralegal and reviewed by three attorneys. Particularly, when one of the lawyers -- me -- knows nothing about wills, having been loaned out by Acquisitions...

    The rest of Diary of a Bashed Attorney is here and my legal humor page is here.

    UPDATE: On a related note, Matt Homann has published his latest Monday Five By Five, in which several prominent lawyer-bloggers each write about a given subject. This week's topic is what they'd change about the practice of law. Here are the direct links to answers from Denise Howell of Bag & Baggage; Ernie Svenson of Ernie The Attorney; Evan Schaffer of Notes From The Legal Underground; David Giacalone of HaikuEsq; Carolyn Elefant of My Shingle; and Sheherazade Fowler of Stay of Execution.

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June 17, 2004 (Dubya's Plea)

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June 16, 2004 (Link Ditty)

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June 15, 2004 (Petty or Not?)

  • Am I being petty? Am I overreacting? I don't think so, but here's the deal:

    In addition to my Regular Reads Blog Roll, my site has a large categorized links section which I call MadPicks. And from time to time, I get emails from sites that fit into one of the MadPicks categories, asking me to exchange links. So it was with a Gandhi-centric site which emailed me on April 9 to propose a link exchange. (I won't link to them or even name them, for reasons that will become apparent.)

    I was impressed with the site, so I agreed to the exchange, posted their link and site description on the appropriate page, and gave them a temporary extra link in my new links section.

    When I notified the Gandhi site contact person that their links were posted, I got a response saying that another site took care of their links, and that he'd forward my info.

    Anyway, to make a long story short I waited patiently, but my link never appeared. And when I wrote a follow-up note to the person who initiated our alleged link exchange, politely asking about my linkless state, this was his response:

       The decision whether your website is getting listed or not is entirely with www.betterworldlinks.org. Please respect their criteria, attitude and decision.

    Now I know that a single link is unimportant in the scheme of things. But this obnoxious treatment by the Gandhi guy got me roiled enough to dump the Gandhi site links and send this email:

       Let me get this straight. You approach me for a link exchange, and when I agree and link to you, you tell me a different site will be handling your part of the bargain. And when they don't, you tell me I should "respect their criteria, attitude and decision."

       I suggest that you stop making offers that you have no intention of fulfilling. I'll be removing your link. Thanks so much for wasting my time.

    I guess that wasn't very Gandhi-like of me, but I feel much better now.

    I'm looking forward to your comments. And yes, I do finally have Haloscan comments, thanks to some generous and patient help from the savvy and witty Steve Bates.

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June 14, 2004 (Dump Bush Song Parody -- Sing To "Here We Go Round The Mulbery Bush")

  • I hope you enjoy singing my Dump Bush Song to Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush," using this midi link.

    Dump Bush Song (to be sung to "Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush")

    We must defeat George W. Bush,
    George W. Bush, George W. Bush.
    We must defeat George W. Bush.
    Vote Kerry this November.

    Cheney and Bush are our nation's foes,
    Our nation's foes, our nation's foes.
    Cheney and Bush are our nation's foes.
    Vote Kerry this November.

    Let us get rid of that cowboy pose,
    That cowboy pose, that cowboy pose.
    Let us get rid of that cowboy pose.
    Vote Kerry this November.

    This is the time to show Bush the door,
    Show Bush the door, show Bush the door.
    This is the time to show Bush the door.
    Vote Kerry this November.

    Dubya does not deserve four years more,
    Or three years more, or two years more.
    Dubya does not deserve four years more.
    Vote Kerry this November.

    We must defeat George W. Bush,
    George W. Bush, George W. Bush.
    We must defeat George W. Bush.
    Vote Kerry this November.

    © June 14, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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June 10, 2004 (Dubya Takes The High Road)

  • I'm so pleased to see that Bush isn't exploiting and politicizing Ronald Reagan's death.

    Dubya Takes The High Road
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Reflected glory Dubya seeks
    From Reagan's mourned demise.
    Too bad that next to Forty-Three
    Ron's statesmanlike and wise.

    © June 10, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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June 3, 2004 (Dub Disses Chalabi)

  • Sorry for my lack of posts. I've been traveling and was hoping to be able to post updates while I was away. But as you can see, things didn't quite work out that way. And speaking of traveling, have I ever mentioned the travel humor I've written for publications like the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun, Philadelphia Inquirer Magazine, The Car Connection, EBusiness, and other pubs? If you're in the mood for some travel laughs, you might enjoy it.

  • Atrios has a great post about Dubya's sudden attack of amnesia regarding his relationship with Ahmad Chalabi. And here's my cartoon take on the topic: Dub Disses Chalabi.

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May 21, 2004 (Dubya's Dayly Diary)

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May 17, 2004 (Mis-Education President)

  • In an effort to court female voters, Bush now has wife Laura touting his failed education policy in a campaign ad. As I mentioned previously, I wrote an essay for Big Bush Lies about the unfunded mandate scam referred to in polite company as "No Child Left Behind." Edited by Jerry "Politex" Barrett of BushWatch fame, the book includes 20 essays about George W. Bush written by academics, legal experts, financial leaders, activists, and journalists. You can order it directly from the publisher, Riverwood Books.

    In the meantime, if you want to know what's wrong with the ad and with Bush's education policy, this FactCheck.org article is a must read. And here's my "poetic" take on the same topic:

    Mis-Education President
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Bush swore he'd leave no child behind,
    A very worthy goal.
    Instead, he left the states a great big budgetary hole.

    States' rights must be preserved, Dub said.
    The states know what is best.
    Then signed a law he failed to fund, which makes them test, test, test.

    Bush said they have to test to prove
    That kids learn what they must.
    Then handed out a budget that betrays our nation's trust.

    Dub swore the children of the poor
    Would get the help they need.
    Who knew that Dubya meant by help, he'd give them chicken feed?

    Bush promised teacher training and
    To aid the college bound.
    But public education cash and Pell grants have gone down.

    Now Laura Bush has made an ad
    To tout the law's success.
    To hear her speak, you'd never know Bush caused a giant mess.

    An education miracle,
    Bush promised to create.
    Instead, he left schools in the lurch.
    Dump Bush, ere it's too late.

    © May 13, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

    Here's John Kerry's Education Plan and here's some more of my education humor.

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May 12, 2004 (Presidential Philosophies, Boykin, Protest Songs)

  • Presidential Philosophies

       The Buck Stops Here -- Harry S. Truman

       The Bucks Stop With My Pals -- George W. Bush

  • It looks like General Boykin is implicated in the Iraq torture scandal. I think this calls for a reprise of General Boykin's Ballad, don't you?

    Boykin's Ballad
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    We're at war against Satan?
    A startling idea!
    That explains all the hatin'
    And mongering fear.

    Claiming God picked our leader,
    Anointed George Bush.
    Gen'ral Boykin: Mind Reader,
    Gen. Pain In The Tush.

    William Boykin types scare us.
    No doubt it's their plan.
    With their zealotry callous,
    George Dubya's their man.

    © October 21, 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

    My previous Boykin post is here.

  • Some protest songs, for your listening pleasure, that landed in my email box and somehow weren't drowned out by the SPAM:

    Don't Follow The Jerk

    The Agenda For Century 21

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May 6, 2004 ("Unforgivable" Song Parody -- Sing to "Unforgettable")

  • It's no surprise that Bush's statement on Arab television about the abuse of Iraqi prisoners fell short of an apology. After all, as my good pal Skippy points out, "being president means never having to say you're sorry." Cue my latest song parody, "Unforgivable, to be sung to "Unforgettable," by Irving Gordon. Here's a midi link.

    Unforgivable (to be sung to "Unforgettable")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    "I apologize." Bush just won't say,
    "I apologize." George Bush? No way!
    There's a trail of failures caused by Dub.
    He won't say, "I'm sorry." There's the rub.
    Never before has someone been more

    Unforgivable, in every way.
    And forever more, that's how he'll stay.
    With his record, it's incredible
    That Bush who's un-"I regret"-able,
    Thinks that he is God's unbendable tool.

    (Long Instrumental Break)
    (Time enough to grab a snack or write a check to your favorite candidate)

    Unrepentable. Bush just won't say,
    That he's ever erred. His course he'll stay.
    With his record, it's incredible
    That Bush who's un-"I regret"-able,
    Thinks that he is God's unbendable tool.

    © May 5, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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May 4, 2004 (Liberal Laughs)

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April 29, 2004 (Alpha Politics)

  • Sorry for my recent silence. I hope this makes up for it:

    Alpha Politics
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    "A" is for John Ashcroft and the liberties he's mauled.
    "B" is for Barb Bush and hub. Dub's birth is all their fault.

    "C" is for Ms. Condi Rice, who speaks so many lies.
    "D" is for the Dixie Chicks, who dare to Bush despise.

    "E" is for our soon to be Ex-Prez George Dubya Bush.
    "F" is for Al Franken, and his mean and funny Rush.

    "G" is for Gen. Boykin, who believes Bush speaks with God.
    "H" is for Ms. Karen Hughes, who's tall of tale and bod.

    "I" is for the imbeciles who buy the pap Bush spews.
    "J" is for John Kerry, who has paid his wartime dues.

    "K" is for Ken "Enron" Lay, who's on Dub's ex-pal list.
    "L" is for Trent Lott, who lost his job to William Frist.

    "M" is for Mitch Daniels, who was never good with dough.
    "N" is for Ralph Nader, a huge help to Bush and Rove.

    "O" is for Ms. Oprah who can read, unlike our Prez.
    "P" is for Dub's Pootie-Poot, who's soulful, Dubya says.

    "Q" is for George Dubya quotes, which rarely make much sense.
    "R's" for Richard Clarke, who finds Bush stubborn and quite dense.

    "S" is for the 9 Supremes who ripped off Albert Gore.
    "T" is for Brit Tony Blair, Bush poodle to the core.

    "U" is for the USA, which needs a new regime.
    "V" is for Veep Cheney, who's one-half a wicked team.

    "W's" for Chris Whitman, who betrayed the EPA.
    "X," "Y," "Z's" for nothing, but dump Dubya! Make my day!

    © April 29, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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April 12, 2004 (Ode to the August PDB)

  • The infamous August PDB has been declassified and released and the Bush & Co excuses continue:

    Ode to the August PDB
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    When Condoleezza Rice speaks out
    Does anybody buy her?
    It's hard to fathom how she fumbled warnings, oh so dire.

    "Historic," Condoleezza shouts
    About that August briefing.
    I guess that's why that PDB did catch the Bushies sleeping.

    Old Dub joins in with his excuse,
    Explaining his inaction:
    Without Osama's detailed plans, you shouldn't expect reaction.

    We did not have a time or place,
    Or even a location.
    Without precision info, I'm entitled to vacation.

    © April 11, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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April 5, 2004 (Daily Kos Song)

  • During the last few days, blogs have been packed with commentary about the Daily Kos controversy. In particular, Matt Stoller's post was a standout. Other fine posts on the subject include TalkLeft, Atrios, MaxSpeak, Skippy, Skippy on Kerry, Steve Bates, Tom Tomorrow, Sisyphus Shrugged, LeanLeft, Patridiot Watch, MarchSeventh, Jerome Armstrong, Corrente, Ezra Klein, Long Story, Short Pier, and Steve Gilliard.

    So, what are my thoughts on the subject? As you might expect, I've put them into song. Feel free to sing my "Daily Kos Song" to "Mister Ed," by Ray Evans and Jay Livingston, using this midi link which opens a second window.

    Daily Kos Song (to be sung to "Mr. Ed")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    The Kos was "The Source,"
    Of course, of course.
    That powerful blog was a force, of course.
    That is, of course,
    Until the Kos made a
    Famous blog misstep.

    The right hit the Kos
    With mighty force.
    They piled on the libel, till they were hoarse.
    Retraction mattered not of course.
    Costly blog misstep!

    Bloggers yakkity-
    Yakked a streak
    And scared Kos ads away.
    Then Kerry yanked
    His Kos-bound link,
    As right wingers cheered, "Hooray!"

    Now the left knows the force
    Of blog discourse.
    The right wing may rue what they've wrought, of course.
    Will they be next with an
    Ad divorce?
    Well, listen to this:
    We'll catch their missteps.

    © April 5, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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April 1, 2004 (Fact-Free Bush Song Parody)

  • The Flip-Flopper-In-Chief would have us believe that John Kerry's the real flip-flopper. This, from a President who never lets the facts interfere with policy. Which brings me to my latest song parody, Fact-Free Bush. Feel free to sing it to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain," using this midi link which opens a second window.

    Fact-Free Bush (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    When the facts get in the way you change the facts,
    And when facts get in the way, give facts the ax.
    When the facts get in the way,
    When the facts get in the way,
    When the facts get in the way you change the facts.

    When Iraq is not as threat'ning as you claimed,
    Say you never said it was, play language games.
    When Iraq is not as threat'ning,
    When Iraq is not as threat'ning,
    When Iraq is not as threat'ning as you claimed.

    When your job projection numbers are quite wrong,
    Blithely claim you never bought them all along.
    When your job projection numbers,
    When your job projection numbers,
    When your job projection numbers are quite wrong.

    That was always my position, is your line.
    Doesn't matter if you've really changed your mind...

    The rest of my Fact-Free Bush song parody is here.

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March 31, 2004 (Liberal Laughs)

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March 27, 2004 (Big Bush Lies -- New Anti-Bush Book)

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March 26, 2004 (Loopy)

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March 22, 2004 (Operation Richard Clarke)

  • Richard Clarke's book is out, his 60 Minutes Lesley Stahl interview's been aired, and he's scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission very shortly. Which means it's time to brace ourselves for an all out Karl Rovian "Operation Richard Clarke." And based on what I heard from Drudge on his Sunday night radio show, I suspect it will go something like this:

    Operation Richard Clarke
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Operation Richard Clarke.
    Shifty eyes,
    Motives dark.
    Angling for a Kerry gig.
    Operation Richard Clarke.

    Operation Richard Clarke.
    Suspect views,
    Bias stark.
    Selling books by telling fibs.
    Operation Richard Clarke.

    Operation Richard Clarke.
    Sour grapes,
    False remarks.
    Nothing but a lying prig.
    Operation Richard Clarke.

    © March 22, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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March 20, 2004 (Saturday Silliness)

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March 18, 2004 (Terrorist Election, Liberal Laughs)

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March 11, 2004 (Mad Kane Hires An Ombudsman)

For years I've been flooded with emails challenging the accuracy of MadKane.com. At first I did what most publications do -- I ignored them. But as time went by, I realized that something had to be done. So in keeping with recent trends and in the interest of sound journalism, I've appointed an ombudsman who'd like to be known only as "Bud." Here is Bud's first report:

  • The poem entitled Dubya's Poetic Injustice states that during George W. Bush's Election 2000 campaign, Bush promised to be a "compassionate conservative" and to have a "humble foreign policy." After this poem was published, we learned that Bush was "crossing his fingers" whenever he made those promises, so "they didn't really count." We regret this error.

  • According to a State of Disunion crossword puzzle clue, President Bush believes that raising twins is even harder than waging war. While Bush did in fact make that statement, he has since changed his mind and now acknowledges that waging war is "an itsy-bitsy bit harder than raising twins." We are sorry for failing to keep up to date on this issue.

  • In Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song the lyricist itemizes several things as not being George W. Bush's fault, including the jobless rate, 9/11, the mission accomplished banner, and the lack of WMD's. We have since learned that many more things weren't the President's fault and we regret our lack of comprehensiveness.

  • It has come to our attention that the author of Dubya's Dayly Diary may possibly be an impostor. Further reports will be forthcoming as our investigation develops.

  • According to an email from Karl Rove to Ralph Nader urging Nader to run for President (published in a column called Ralph & Rove), Mr. Rove referred to President Bush as "Texas Souffle." As far as we can determine, Rove has never called Bush "Texas Souffle," although he says it sounds "delicious." Additionally, Mr. Rove claims that he did not actually send this email. Rove admits, however, that on hearing the Ralph Nader run announcement, he did several celebratory sommersaults.

  • A song entitled Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure repeatedly refers to President George W. Bush as a "mis'rable failure." As it turns out, George W. Bush is a fabulous success. We apologize for this error and have terminated the songwriter.

  • A Jan 31, 2004 interview with Vice President Cheney quotes Cheney as claiming (1) to have created more jobs than any prior administration and (2) to have never heard of Justice Antonin Scalia. The Vice President asserts that he was "just kidding around with the interviewer" when he made both statements and that "the interview never took place." After a lengthy interrogation, our interviewer finally admitted that the interview "was only a dream." We would make her apologize, but she's currently in therapy.

  • The Spinning Song asserts that the Bush administration uses spinmeisters. However, Bush spinmeisters advise us that the Bush administration never uses spinmeisters. We are really, really, really, really sorry.

Please send all questions, comments and complaints to our ombudsman by email to MadKane@MadKane.com with "Dear Bud" in the subject line. And please stay tuned for Bud's next report.

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March 8, 2004 (Miscellany Monday)

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March 4, 2004 (Bush Blame Game)

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March 3, 2004 (Political Dish Crossword Puzzle)

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February 25, 2004 (Bad Seed Blogger?)

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February 24, 2004 (AWOL Jobs)

  • My energy has been sapped by a bout with the flu. But I've crawled out of bed long enough to post my AWOL Jobs, a poem about Bush's jobs record:

    AWOL Jobs
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Our jobs are disappearing
    To nations far and wide.
    While Dubya has no plan at all
    To stem this risky tide.

    His people make up numbers
    Of jobs they will produce.
    My strategy will work, Bush swears.
    With lies he would seduce.

    Outsourcing's stimulating?
    Dub's people thinks it's swell.
    More profits for the corp'rate crowd.
    The rest can go to hell.

    © February 24, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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February 20, 2004 (Liberal Laughs)

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February 17, 2004 (Ralph & Rove)

  • It looks like Ralph Nader is poised to announce another run. I guess he found this email persuasive:

    From: Karl_Rove@Whitehouse.gov
    To: Ralph_Nader@Spoiler.org
    Subject: What will it take?

    Hey Ralphie. How ya doing? Long time no talk.
    I didn't think we'd need you in '04, but things aren't going as well as I expected.
    So, are you in? As always, we'll make it worth your while. Advise ASAP.

    PS Let me know what it'll take to get you on board. Everything's on the table.

    PPS Don't forget to destroy on receipt.

    PPPS I'm just brainstorming, but maybe EPA Director? Secy of Commerce? Whatever rings your chimes.

    PPPPS I don't suppose you have any good dirt on our French looking friend? If so, you know where to send it.

    PPPPPS Texas Soufflé says hi.

  • UPDATE: I just found this great post by Micah Sifry on why Ralph Nader shouldn't run.

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February 14, 2004 (I Refuse)

  • I refuse to comment on "you know what" or link to "you know who." I also refuse to comment on "you know what" or link to "you know who" program-related activities. However, if you simply must know what "you know who" is up to, skip the "you know who" website and visit this one instead. You'll thank me in the morning.

  • Happy Valentine's Day!

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February 11, 2004 (Liberal Laughs & Desert Island Music)

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February 9, 2004 (Happy Beatles' Anniversary!)

    I'm a bit late in celebrating the Beatles' Ed Sullivan appearance anniversary. On a personal note, thanks to the Beatles for making these four song parodies possible:

    Bush Misleads (To be sung to "Let It Be")
    "We must drive ourselves in times of trouble.
    Mustn't tarry, must be free.
    We shall work to oust him. Bush misleads..."

    I Read The News Each Day, Oh Boy (To be sung to the tune of "A Day In The Life")
    "I read the news each day, oh boy
    About a President who got poor grades.
    Of course the news is mostly sad
    Though one thing made me laugh
    The chewing gum photograph..."

    Hey Hughes (To be sung to the tune of "Hey Jude")
    "Hey Hughes, don't leave DC.
    Take a sad Bush and make me better.
    Remember I need you cause you're so smart,
    Then you can start to make me better..."

    Secret To Hide (To be sung to "Ticket To Ride")
    "The nation's gonna be had.
    I think it's today, yeah.
    That Bush he's driving me mad
    With Henry the K..."

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February 8, 2004 (Bush Works It Out)

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February 7, 2004 (Mass Distraction)

  • Two of my blogger pals Kevin at LeanLeft and Geitner Simmons at Regions of Mind have interesting and contrasting takes on E. J. Dionne's Massachusetts Liberal column.

    Here's my Mass Distraction poem on the same topic:

    Mass Distraction
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    A Massachusetts Liberal
    They call him with a hiss.
    For wingnuts could there ever be
    A better Kerry diss?

    They can't defend the man they back
    By using truth and facts.
    So Bushies hurl their epithet,
    Transparent to the max.

    Dukakis and Ted Kennedy
    They aim to conjure up.
    So voters will forget that Bush
    And Cheney are corrupt.

    They demonize that state because
    Dub's record is so poor.
    They can't produce one reason not
    To show George Bush the door.

    © February 7, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

  • So guys, are you ready for Valentine's Day yet? I didn't think so. Maybe this will help.

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February 2, 2004 (Mad Kane "Interviews" Dick Cheney Again)

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February 1, 2004 (Liberal Laughs)

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January 29, 2004 (Imminent Ex-President)

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January 28, 2004 (Ode To Feisty Franken)

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January 21, 2004 (Bush State of the Union Crossword Puzzle)

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January 19, 2004 (Dubya's Poetic Injustice)

  • Tomorrow's a big day. No, I'm not talking about the State of the Union address. I'm referring to the 3rd anniversary of Dubya's Dayly Diary. Yes, I launched it on the very black day that George Dubya Bush took office: January 20, 2001. I thought I'd celebrate -- okay celebrate's not exactly the right word -- with a poem. I hope you'll enjoy Dubya's Poetic Injustice.

    Dubya's Poetic Injustice
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    A humble foreign policy,
    Bush promised way back when.
    Then wages war preemptively.
    For bloodshed Dubya yens.

    Compassionate conservative,
    Bush said that's what he'd be.
    Then saves all his compassion for
    Big biz and industry.

    Dub pushes No Child Left Behind
    To help improve our schools.
    Then traps them in a money bind,
    Cash drained and strapped by rules.

    Bush said he'd cut our Fed tax bill,
    So we could keep our cash.
    Then slashes taxes for the rich,
    So they can grow their stash.

    Bush praises Martin Luther King,
    The king of civil rights.
    Then elevates Charles Pickering,
    Who'd give our rights last rites.

    Environmental care he takes
    Throughout his Crawford land.
    While giving bz polluting pals
    Enviro reg-free-hand.

    A crackdown on big business thieves
    Bush promised on Wall Street.
    Then undermines the SEC,
    Leaves cronies free to cheat.

    Bush says jobs are a major goal
    For our economy.
    Alas, they're in a deep black hole
    With our democracy.

    © January 19, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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January 18, 2004 (Media Follies & Fun)

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January 12, 2004 (2nd Annual Dubya Quote Quiz)

  • It's time for my Second Annual Dubya Quote Quiz. (You'll find my First Annual Dubya Quote Quiz here.) As I said last year, Dubya's use of the English language is so ... uh ... creative, that it's often hard to tell a made-up quote from the real enchilada. So once again, as a public service, I offer a Dubya Quote Quiz, this one based exclusively on quotes from 2003.

    Each question consists of four quotes -- three of which George Dubya really said last year and one of which is a fictitious quote straight out of my satirical Dubya's Dayly Diary. So have a good time testing your Bush quote knowledge. You'll find a link to the answers at the end. No cheating now!

    1   (a) "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."

         (b) "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."

         (c) "Next time the liberal press'll think twice before pesterin me fer a press conference. Cause I sprung one on em Wednesday, and I was fabulous! Those reporters were on the hunt, but they sure as hell didn't have me on the run!"

         (d) "There's what they call 'actionable intelligence,' to which our military has responded on a quick basis is improving."

    2   (a) "I think war is a dangerous place."

         (b) "Laura's freakin cause it leaked out that she had someone buy a kiddy's book fer some TV appearance & then returned the used book fer credit. I don't see what the problem is -- she's just settin a good frugal example fer the American people."

         (c) "We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted."

         (d) "When you hear about war all the time on your TV screens, the speculation of war and the discussion of war, it's not conducive to a confident tomorrow."

    3   (a) "The media likes to dwell on death. It gets them viewers, gets them read. They live to publish lies and leaks. They're just a bunch of sniv'ling sneaks."

         (b) "I don't bring God into my life to - to, you know, kind of be a political person."

         (c) "As you notice, when there's a hole in the ground and a person is able to crawl into it in a country the size of California, it means we're on a scavenger hunt for terror, and find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data. And we're on it."

         (d) "We said loud and clear [to corporate wrongdoers], if you cheat the shareholder and your employees, you will be held responsible for those decisions. The world is now more peaceful because we acted.

    4   (a) "All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign."

         (b) "It's money that -- that will recognize that power is best when it's disbursed to the people we're trying to help."

         (c) "We've got hundreds of sites to exploit, looking for the chemical and biological weapons that we know Saddam Hussein had prior to our entrance into Iraq."

         (d) "I really like honorin our Vets, especially the dead ones. Just so long as nobody makes me hug their relatives!"

    The entire quiz is here.

    The answers are here.

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January 9, 2004 (Friday Free-for-All)

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January 8, 2004 (Political Humor Potpourri)

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January 7, 2004 (Poets In Support Of Bush???)

  • Yesterday a dignified sounding man, who identified himself as Merrill Strassberg (sp?), left what I can only assume was a prank message on my answering machine. To summarize, he complimented me on my work, invited me to join "Poets In Support of President Bush," and urged me to call back, although he neglected to leave a phone number. Now anyone with a 3 digit IQ who's read my political poetry or my other political humor, would surely know that I'd no sooner join "Poets In Support of Bush" than I'd join, say, "Zombies For Cheney."

    So, either the call was a goof, or his group should be renamed "Illiterate Poets In Support of Bush." (Hmmm, maybe Merrill's the guy who ghostwrote that lousy poem Laura misattributed to Dubya.)

    The question remains: Where the hell did he get my phone number? Oh yeah -- I almost forgot -- we're living in the Age of Ashcroft.

  • Congratulations to Denise Howell whose outstanding blawg Bag and Baggage has been named 2003 Site of the Year by NetLawTools.com.

  • I haven't had a chance to take it yet, but VoteByIssue.org has created a quiz that "allows you to discover how much you know about the candidates running in the upcoming 2004 Democratic Primary." I think it will prove to be as interesting a tool as SelectSmart's 2004 American Presidential Candidate Selector.

  • It's time for another fine edition of Carnival of the Vanities, this time hosted by RealPolitik. Next week's host is Snoozebuttondreams.

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January 6, 2004 (Dean's Electable Song Parody)

  • In Election 2000 the "Al Gore's a liar" myth (and the U.S. Supreme Court) propelled George W. Bush into the Presidency. Well, we have a new myth for Election 2004 -- the "Howard Dean is unelectable" myth. And if Karl Rove has his way, that myth may garner Dubya a second term.

    I think it's time for Liberals, Democrats, and the media to sing a new tune, and so does Bob Fertik (co-founder of the terrific Democrats.com), who suggested that I write this song. Thanks Bob! So let's all sing "Dean's Electable" to "Unforgettable," by Irving Gordon, using this midi link.

    Dean's Electable (to be sung to "Unforgettable'")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Dean's electable. Dean worries Karl.
    So electable, Rove's nails are gnarled.
    It's the fear of Rove that Bush he'll beat,
    That he'll send George Dub a huge defeat.
    Never before has someone been more

    Dubya beatable, in every way.
    Dean was right on war, to Karl's dismay.
    Stop your quar'ling. It's incredible
    That someone that's so electable,
    Isn't seen as Dubya's credible foe.

    (Long Instrumental Break)
    (Time enough to grab a snack or write a check to your favorite candidate)

    Dean's electable, in every way.
    And forever more, Dean's here to stay.
    Stop your quar'ling. Dean's electable.
    Brainy, gutsy, so delectable.
    Dean can surely be elected by you.

    © January 5, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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January 5, 2004 (Funny Political Poetry)

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January 1, 2004 (Almanacs of Evil)

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December 25, 2003 (About.com's 2003 Political Dot-Comedy Award Nominees Announced)

  • I'm very pleased to report that I'm a nominee in two categories in this year's About.com Political Dot-Comedy Awards competition. My political humor as a whole is nominated in the Best Parodies (Overall Achievement) category and my Dubya's Dayly Diary is a nominee in the Best Bush Humor category. So if you have time, I'd really appreciate your voting for me in one or both categories here. Thanks!

    And even if you're not in a voting mood, I'll bet you enjoy visiting the terrific nominees in categories including Best Web Cartoons, Best Satirical News, Most Entertaining Left-Wing News & Commentary, Most Entertaining Right-Wing News & Commentary, Best Print Comic Strip, and Best Late-Night TV Comedy. You may even find some new (to you) humor sites to help you survive 2004.

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December 24, 2003

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December 23, 2003

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December 20, 2003 (Paris Hilton v. George Bush)

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