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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,
MEDIA & PUBLISHING HUMOR & LIMERICKS


Madeleine Begun Kane
 
....

Bob Newhart Names Madeleine Begun Kane Winner of 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor

POLITICAL HUMOR    POLITICAL MADNESS BLOG    NON-POLITICAL HUMOR BLOG    LEGAL HUMOR    MUSIC HUMOR & SONG PARODIES

Welcome to my humor about the media (including, print, television, radio, and social media.) I hope you'll enjoy the media related limericks, light verse, and other media humor by Madeleine Begun Kane.

  • Limerick Ode To Mike Wallace
    "Mike Wallace, a man without peer,
    As a journalist often struck fear..."

  • Limerick Ode To Rush Limbaugh
    "Rush’s national ads are suspended.
    Will his wingnutty program be ended..."

  • Politifiction Limerick
    "As Paul Krugman puts it so concisely, “Politifact, R.I.P.” No, Politifact isn’t going out of business, though after its latest credibility-destroying move, it should: ..."

  • Pressing The Press On Voter Suppression (Limerick)
    "The GOP war on our voting
    Is a problem the press isn’t noting ..."

  • So-Called Liberal Media Strikes Again
    "Dear Washington Post, you are wrong
    With your Democrats started it song. ..."

  • Thank You Fox News
    "While Fox has been tempting to mock
    Cuz its cov’rage is mostly a crock..."

  • Kick-Ass Limerick "The language police are at it again. Republicans and Fox News (sorry to be redundant) are simply horrified at President Obama’s 'unpresidential' language. ..."

  • Republican Pols — Off or On the Rand-Wagon? "In the wake of his humiliating interview on Rachel Maddow’s MSNBC show, Rand Paul has a serious Civil Rights Act problem. ..."

  • Unreal American Stories "I was glad to see that Sarah Palin’s Fox News Special did just so-so in the ratings. ..."

  • Political April Fools' Day April Fools' Day is coming up on April 1st, and you'll want to be prepared. After all, you don't want to fall victim to any political practical jokes. My latest limerick should help.

  • Hooked On True Blood "From time to time, I review a television show, movie, or play via limerick. ..."

  • Ode To Rabbit Ears

  • Dear Press: Clean Up Your Own Damn Mess! (Limerick)
    "We get headlines each March from the press:
    “It’s Spring — Time To Clean Up Your Mess.” ..."

  • Dear Jay Leno "I’m on Team CoCo, as you can tell from my Conan-Leno talk show wars limerick. ..."

  • Go, Conan! "A limerick in honor of Conan O’Brien’s Solomon-like decision about the Tonight Show ..."

  • Telling Tiger To Convert Just Ain’t Kosher "Up until now, I’ve avoided writing about Tiger Woods’ serial philandering. But Brit Hume’s outrageous comments leave me no choice. According to Hume, if Tiger Woods wants forgiveness, he must convert from Buddhism to Christianity. ..."

  • Simon, Say It Ain’t So! (Limerick)"“Insult judge” Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol at the end of this season. How will I ever survive? ..."

  • Dick Cheney’s Steno Pool "Somebody please explain why the garbage and lies spewed by Richard Cheney are routinely treated like they’re gospel. ..."

  • Ode To The Weatherman "A huge snow storm (perhaps even a blizzard) is about to descend on New York City and has already hit much of the east coast. And that means it’s the weatherman’s time in the sun. ..."

  • Larry King and Carrie Prejean — Not Headed To The Altar "Note To Beauty Pageant Coaches: Must add storming-off-tv-set etiquette to your coaching regimen...."

  • “Short On Facts” Fox "One of the silliest Republican (and Fox News) talking points is that the Democratic health reform bill is too long. ..."

  • Glenn Beck, Keep Your Grubby Paws Off Yom Kippur "I may be a non-practicing Jew, but I’m deeply offended by Glenn Beck’s attempt to co-opt and politicize Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year. ..."

  • Chris Wallace Feels Dissed "Poor Chris Wallace has been whining to Bill O’Reilly about Fox News Sunday not getting an Obama interview. ..."

  • Ode To The White House Fashion Police "The White House fashion police are at it again: First Lady Michelle Obama was caught wearing shorts on her way to a Grand Canyon vacation! The horror! ..."

  • Our Liberal Media "Steve Benen points out the contrast between the coverage of two abortion-related polls: ..."

  • De-Moralized? "I’ve heard some twisted rationalizations over the years. But Rush Limbaugh’s attempt at blaming Obama for Mark Sanford’s failings really takes the cake. ...”

  • Hannity Insanity "Few people are better at creating a Krauthammer-lauded 'alternate reality' than Fox’s Sean Hannity. ...”

  • Hark! The Disgraced Former Speaker Speaks. (Song Parody)
    "Hark! The former Speaker speaks.
    Headlines, Speaker Gingrich seeks. ...”

  • Ode To The Deceitful Cheneys "The omni-presence of Dick and Liz Cheney on (as Rachel Maddow loves to call it) “the TV machine” is nearly enough to get me to toss out my televisions. ...”

  • Two Dicks “Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh have been having quite the love fest lately. Of course, they’ve always been in bed together: ...”

  • Ode To Fresh Faces
    “Republican planning is plain.
    They want to rebrand, they explain. ...”

  • Fox Pundits At Sea “Fox News “pundit” rants always look foolish, especially when they’re packed with gleeful predictions of Democratic failures. And most especially when their predictions turn out to be dramatically wrong. ...”

  • Dogged Journalism “At long last, we have an answer to these burning questions: What kind of dog will Obama get daughters Malia and Sasha, and when will he get it? ...”

  • Ode To AP's Ron Fournier “After President Obama’s outstanding performance during his second primetime press conference, the AP’s Ron Fournier had some column inches to fill. So, what words of wisdom did he share in his 'news analysis'? Obama really 'likes to have [his words] up on the Teleprompter.' ...”

  • Ode To The Laughter-Police “I could have sworn that Obama’s 60 Minutes interview was both serious and informative. But I guess that’s what happens when you watch something yourself, instead of relying on press accounts. ...”

  • Dear Maureen Dowd, I Don’t Like Your Tone “I’d hoped that Maureen Dowd was all done with her Michelle Obama biceps obsession. But apparently not. ...”

  • Fuming About Hume “What delicious irony — Brit Hume bitching about blogger partisanship. ...”

  • Go Away Already, Bushie Spinmeisters! “The Bush-Cheney spinmeisters refuse to go away. Last week it was Ari Fleischer, and this week it’s Dana Perino on CSPAN’s Washington Journal. ...”

  • Ode To Ari Fleischer “The stream of deceit that came pouring out of Ari Fleischer’s belligerent mouth during his Chris Matthews’ interview must surely have set some sort of record. ...”

  • Irony Has At Least Seven More Lives “Once again, the media is debating the purported death of irony. Nine-eleven killed it the last time, and this year’s culprit is Barack Obama. Lucky for humorists (and their readers), irony apparently has a cat-like nine lives. ...”

  • What Would The Press Do Without Clinton Rumors? “Does anyone else think all this rumor-mongering is a wee bit silly? ...”

  • Just Call It The McPettiness Express (Limerick)
    “Beware of the wrath of McCain.
    If you’re mean you’ll be barred from his plane. ...”

  • The Couple That Reads Together (Limerick)
    “A tech-savvy husband and wife
    Once suffered occasional strife ...”

  • Ode To David Frum "David Frum, infamous for fathering (or at least taking credit for fathering) the phrase “Axis of Evil,” took on the wrong person last night. I’m referring, of course, to Rachel Maddow. ..."

  • A Humorist’s Lament "By now, everyone’s surely seen Barry Blitt’s New Yorker cover, depicting Barack Obama as a flag-burning, bin Laden-loving, fist-bumping Muslim. Intended to satirize “The Politics of Fear,” the image is being widely criticized as reinforcing the very stereotypes it seeks to mock. ..."

  • Is Olbermann Turning Into O’Reilly?
    "In the past I cheered Olbermann’s rants—
    Loved his anti-war, anti-Bush stance. ..."

  • War Inc. Interruptus "In a parallel universe, Monday night’s New York Film Academy screening of John Cusack’s War, Inc. was great, as was the Rachel Maddow-moderated Q & A that followed the screening. Back on earth, however, the screening didn’t go quite so well. In fact … it barely went at all. ..."

  • Biased Journalists And Bloggers, Heal Thyselves! "Hey, cable honchos. Before lambasting Hillary for “failing to fact check,” you might consider dabbling in some fact checking yourselves. ..."

  • Irreparable Poem
    "I’m writing some verse about mending.
    My deadline is soon and unbending. ..."

  • Ode To Randi “Queen of Obscene” Rhodes

  • Ode To “Foreign Policy Maven” McCain Can we expect major media columnists and talking heads to question McCain’s foreign policy prowess? Of course not!

  • Hey Pundits, Stifle Yourselves! "I can’t decide what’s more annoying — when pundits are wrong, or when they insist on finding meaning in the meaningless, deep significance in utter nonsense. ..."

  • Dear Editor: Enough With The Polls, Already! (Limerick)
    "My int’rest in polling is waning:
    Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s gaining. ..."

  • Media Life Cycle

  • Hillary Haiku

  • Why Are These Journalists Smiling? (Limerick) "I’ve noticed that many reporters and talking heads are almost giddy over Hillary Clinton’s recent stumbles and the rumored return of Barack Obama’s mojo. ..."

  • Chick Flick Flack (Limerick)
    "When a film’s called a chick flick, it’s meant
    To appeal to most women. How bent! ..."

  • Television Nightmares "Do you want to lose weight? Then I recommend that you watch Gordon Ramsay’s new Fox show Kitchen Nightmares during dinner. As the good Gordon might (and often does) say, 'Oh my God!' ..."

  • Reviewing The Reviewers (Limerick & Poll)
    "I just saw a play I abhorred
    That reviewers quite simply adored. ..."

  • Unfair Censorship Of Plame's Fair Game "The defendants in Valerie Plame Wilson’s lawsuit against the CIA for censoring her book, Fair Game, had better hope she never gets to trial. ..."

  • Great Journalism Quote

  • Petraeus and Crocker Face Hume Humiliation "I had to laugh when I heard about Brit Hume’s exclusive Fox interview with General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker “about the state of the Iraq war and their testimony to Congress.” What’s the matter — wasn’t Hannity available? ..."

  • O'Donnell v. The Donald "Have you heard about the Rosie O’Donnell vs. Donald Trump feud? Yeah … like you could possibly avoid it. Those publicity-mongers deserve a limerick, don’t you think? ..."

  • American Idol — My Guilty Pleasure (Limerick)
    "American Idol’s a show
    I enjoy. Why? I really don’t know: ..."

  • More 24, Please
    "I’m hooked on the show 24.
    Those CTU plots I adore. ..."

  • Why I Won’t Use What’s-Her-Name’s Name Anymore "Here’s a good story about the hate-filled, bigoted venom directed at John Edwards, which was recently spewed by a person whose name I will no longer mention, because it only encourages her. ..."

  • Jenna Bush, Author? "In a move sure to aggravate unagented (and poorly agented) authors, Jenna Bush has scored a high-powered literary agent — Robert Barnett. ..."

  • Ode To The Great Molly Ivins "Alas, the magnificent Molly Ivins has died. To call her a great wit and outstanding journalist would be an understatement. She has always been an inspiration to me and to every other liberal I know who tries to write political satire. ..."

  • Ode To Dennis "Muslim Menace" Prager
    "I’m enraged at host Prager. Yes, Dennis.
    To the truth he is rather a menace, ..."

  • Nixing The Chicks (Haiku)

  • Rush Limbaugh Verse
    " Limbaugh maligned Michael Fox,
    Who is ill and admired and rocks. ..."

  • Ode To Lynne Cheney
    "The author of Sisters, named Lynne,
    Thinks her party at all costs must win. ..."

  • Trade Deficit, Budget Deficit, Truth Deficit

  • Ode To Keith Olbermann

  • Bob Woodward, Born Again Journalist
    "State of Denial’s
    Bob Woodward’s new book.
    At long last he’s onto
    Those devious crooks..."

  • Muted Media Blues
    "Civil war rages.
    Generals speak out.
    The press must be in cages:
    There’s a coverage drought..."

  • Ode To ABC Political Haiku about ABC's 9-11 movie.

  • The Difference Between Republicans & Democrats (Haiku)

  • Coulter Heist
    "For Ann, facts are pests that intrude,
    And we've learned she's a plagiarist too..."

  • (Peter) King-Sized Menace
    "Peter King and his ilk defy reason
    When they call the Times guilty of treason..."

  • Ann's Master Plan
    "A right-wingnut woman named Ann
    Had a book tour publicity plan..."

  • Mad Kane Reads The AP, So You Don't Have To

  • Tabloid Times "It's only May 2006, and the New York Times is already doing trashy, tabloid-style coverage of the Clintons. What's the matter, New York Times? You didn't have a juicy Iran-war-inducing story to plant on your cover page? ..."

  • Ann Coulter Media Satire

  • Scotty & Andy & Josh, Oh, My!
    "Bush once had a press guy named Scott,
    Who always looked sweaty and hot..."

  • Ode To Press Hypocrisy & Other Oprah Winfrey / James Frey Verse
    "An Oprah book author named Frey
    Wrote a memoir quite jam packed with lies..."

  • Ode to the Leaker-In-Chief
    "The latest revelation
    In the Scooter Libby case,
    Is that when it comes to leaking,
    Georgie Dub is quite the ace..."

  • Press Filter Follies (Dubya's Anti-Media Poem)
    "An evil filter is the press.
    They lie and say Iraq's a mess.
    Though things are going great down there,
    You'll never hear it on the air."

  • Bush Says The Words (To be sung to "I Write The Songs")
    "I say the words that other people write.
    Don't give a damn if they are wrong or right.
    As long as folks think war is justified.
    I say the words, I say the words..."

  • Spinmeister (To be sung to the tune of "Matchmaker" from "Fiddler on the Roof")
    "Spinmeister, spinmeister, spin me some spin,
    Write me a line, win me a win.
    Spinmeister, spinmeister, search through your brain
    And spin me some 9-1-1 spin..."

  • Faking Contrition - Song Parody (Sing to "Waltzing Matilda")
    "Faking contrition.
    Faking contrition.
    Cheney feels bad that he shot his good friend.
    If you don't buy his story, you're a lib'ral Democrat.
    Leave him alone. This harassment must end..."

  • Bill O'Reilly's Faux War On Christmas Song Parody (Sing to "Get Me To The Church On Time")
    "Bill says we're waging war on Christmas,
    Spouting another Fox News lie.
    Bill's rarely proper.
    Loves telling whoppers.
    Ain't nothing that his fans won't buy..."

  • Ode To Bob Woodward
    "Bob Woodward had an ax to grind
    When Plamegate he critiqued.
    We've finally learned that Woodward
    Was the first to get that leak.
    He failed to tell his audience..."

  • Yet Another Ode To Ann Coulter
    "Ann Coulter lacks powers of reason,
    Claiming Murtha-type Dems commit treason..."

  • The Judy Miller Quartet (of Limericks) (Four limericks about Judy Miller, The New York Times and the Plamegate investigation)
    "Ms. Miller has written her tale,
    And as tales go, it's rather a whale.
    Her memory's convenient,
    On Libby she's lenient..."

  • Two Crackpot Pats
    "A broadcasting preacher named Pat,
    Who quite frequently talks through his hat..."

  • Novak Sacked?
    "The pundit who blew Val Plame's cover,
    And who's far from a Democrat lover..."

  • Cover Girl Coulter
    "The hate-spewing "pundit" named Ann,
    On Time's cover did manage to land..."

  • Guilt Springs Eternal "Spring has arrived. Do you feel guilty yet? If not, you apparently don't read women's magazines. Every March and April they're packed with "clean up and organize your life" articles. Stories with catchy titles like Spring Into Action -- Tidy Up Your House. Or Wash Away Winter Blues. Or Banish Clutter Now; Otherwise We'll Keep Torturing You With Articles Meant to Make you Feel Like A Slothful Bum. Personally, I'd rather read Why Clean? It Will Only Get Dirty Again Tomorrow..."

  • Please Tell Me We Aren't Through Fuming At Brit Hume
    "Did Fox's Hume betray his trust
    To viewers near and far?
    He surely did mislead them when he quoted FDR..."

  • "Dear Scotty -- Mad Kane Applies For White House Press Credentials Dear Scotty: I've always fantasized about being a White House correspondent. But until now, I've never sought so lofty a position because -- silly me -- I assumed you had to be an actual journalist..."

  • "Jeff Gannon" Gets His Own Limerick
    "Dub's White House gave Jeff press credentials,
    Though he lacks all the media essentials..."

  • Limerick Madness
    "Saying "private" account proves we're biased,
    Charge the wingnuts in tones oh so pious..."

  • Ode To A Dull Drum Beat
    "Ev'ry ninety days or so,
    A blogger's post appears,
    That feigns concern for blogging gals
    Who pale beside male peers..."

  • Time's Madman of the Year
    "Time's person of the year
    Is Bush once more.
    Cause he's good at spreading fear,
    And harming the poor?..."

  • The No Comment Chorus (Bush can sing his way out of answering questions.)

  • Sinclair's Limerick
    "A media co. named Sinclair,
    Has decreed that its stations must air..."

  • When Radio Interviews Go Wrong "Every so often, radio talk shows give up their quest for amusing guests and interview me instead. I always welcome the opportunity to be exposed to a 4:30 a.m. audience of roughly eleven people..."

  • Top Secret Debate Contract Addendum "As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, MadKane.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as Debate Throat..."

  • Ode to Ann Coulter
    "There once was wingnut named Ann,
    With one USA Today fan..."

  • MadKane.com Hires An Ombudsman For years I've been flooded with emails challenging the accuracy of MadKane.com. At first I did what most publications do -- I ignored them. But as time went by, I realized that something had to be done. So in keeping with recent trends and in the interest of sound journalism, I've appointed an ombudsman who'd like to be known only as "Bud." Here is Bud's first report...

  • Ode to the F-Word I couldn't resist waxing poetic about Vice President Dick Cheney's little temper tantrum and the media's reaction...

  • The Fair & Balanced Song Parody (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
    "Fair and balanced,
    Fair and balanced.
    Empty slogans, rabid views, and shrill rants.
    Fox calls critics liars.
    O'Reilly's filled with angst and ire..."

  • Ode To Feisty Franken
    "Ferocious Franken,
    Feisty Al's our man.
    He'll tackle hecklers sans battle plan..."

  • What, Me Lie? "I shouldn't have been surprised by the fact checker's call. Yet another columnist (this one in Arizona) has been accused of making stuff up..."

  • Almanacs of Evil
    "If you dare to use an almanac,
    The Feds are on your case.
    You may swear you're not a maniac,
    But charges you could face..."

  • Media Cartoons: Imminent Ex-President      Paris v. Bush      Dubya's Quest     

  • St. Reagan's Song (to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady")
    "He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
    You'll be sorry if you dare to say, he ain't.
    A fine bloke who's kind and cunning,
    Beat the Russians, great with money.
    He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint..."

  • Ode to the Barbed Bushes
    "George Dubya's mom goes on TV
    To plug her book and whine.
    She brags about her Forty-three.
    Says Dems shouldn't Dub malign."

  • The Traitorgate Song (to be sung to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow)
    "The scandal started with a Niger lie
    About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
    But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
    It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate..."

  • The Traitor Tune (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
    "If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.
    Nothing more than an Al Qaeda pal and tool.
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House,
    If you criticize the White House, you're a fool..."

  • Media Cartoons: Truth Seeker Bush      Our Primping Prez      Dog Days of Dubya     

  • Dear John Ashcroft @WeKnowWhoYouAre.gov Secreted out of the White House by "Deep Dubya" -- a frightening questionnaire from the "write President Bush email system" we almost got.

  • Ari, Ari (To be sung to "Monday, Monday")
    "Ari, Ari, Please don't leave me.
    Ari, Ari, You were all I hoped you would be.
    Oh, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari, please guarantee
    Through reelection you will still be here with me..."

  • Media Cartoons: Dub's Helenic Wars      Honest Dub      Phrase-Maker Bush     

  • "Traitor" Chicks Serenade (To be sung to "Lollipop")
    "Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
    Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
    So when they try to sing and play and dance,
    Man, they haven't got a chance..."

  • The Rummy Poem Slate Missed
    "Don Rumsfeld wants some muting
    Of news that he's disputing
    And photos he's refuting,
    Cause we've won every fray..."

  • Disinfo Ode
    "Are we being misled
    By reporters embed
    Spewing info spoon-fed?
    Is the truth being shred..."

  • Dubya Quote Quiz Can you tell the difference between a satirical Dubya quote and the real enchilada? Take the first annual Dubya Quote Quiz and see.

  • Trent Lott's Lot
    "Said good ol' boy Trent,
    You misconstrued
    Just what I meant.
    'Twas but a toast to a friend,
    Cause he still is not yet dead..."

  • Mad Kane's Diary "10:45 a.m. Another late start on this week's column. That's what I get for surfing every night until 3:00 a.m..."

  • Weblog Wonderland (To be sung to "Winter Wonderland")
    "Bloggers zing, are you list'nin'?
    Some are vain, some are bristlin'.
    The left and the right
    Are happy tonight.
    Surfin' in a weblog wonderland..."

  • Bloggers' Rhapsody (To be sung to "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" by George & Ira Gershwin)
    "You praise my weblog
    And I'll mention your blog.
    You link my weblog
    And I'll link to your blog
    Weblog, Your blog, Weblog, Your blog,
    Let's call the whole thing off.
    You laud my rampage
    On Bush's last outrage.
    You say I'm so sage,
    Go check out my web page..."

  • I Read The News Each Day, Oh Boy (To be sung to the tune of "A Day In The Life" by Lennon/McCartney)
    "I read the news each day, oh boy
    About a President who got poor grades.
    Of course the news is mostly sad
    Though one thing made me laugh
    The chewing gum photograph..."

  • Sounding Off "I really hope my neighbors hate classical music..."

  • Hey Hughes (To be sung to the tune of "Hey Jude")
    "Hey Hughes, don't leave DC.
    Take a sad Bush and make me better.
    Remember I need you cause you're so smart,
    Then you can start to make me better..."

  • Publishing Suffers Another Blow "In the wake of Oprah's announcement that she's terminating her popular book club, the publishing industry has sustained yet another crushing blow: Mad Kane, Dubya Channeler & host of MadKane.com, has announced that she will not launch a book club. 'I thought long and hard about this,' Mad Kane said, 'because public figures have a responsibility to encourage reading. Plus President Bush seems to think reading is good, and failing to support any Bush mission is, arguably, a terrorist act...'"

  • Five Foot Ten (To be sung to the tune of "Five Foot Two")
    "Five foot ten, great at spin,
    But oh! she's tougher than most men.
    Has anybody seen my gal?
    Striking pose, scares my foes,
    There's no end to what she knows.
    Has anybody seen my gal..."

  • Let's Roll Trademark Adversaries Unite Against President Bush "A trademark dispute took an unexpected turn this week after President George Dubya Bush used the phrase "let's roll" for roughly the eleven zillionth time..."

  • Comics' Relief: Late Night Comedians Begin Group Therapy "In the wake of the terrorist attacks on the United States, political humor has virtually disappeared, replaced by patriotic platitudes. Deprived of their customary targets, late night TV talk show hosts are at their wits' end, struggling to find a new humorous voice that entertains without offending. So it's not surprising that Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher have sought comic relief in group therapy. Here's the transcript of their first joint therapy session, leaked to me by someone I'll simply call Deep Doc..."

  • Pick On Me "Dear DoS Guys: You've been busy lately making trouble for Yahoo, eBay, Amazon, and a bunch of other big league sites. You guys (Is it sexist for me to assume you're guys?) are really good..."

  • Pumped About The Web "I have great news for all you multi-taskers and for people who think pumping gas is a bore: Any day now, your local service station may be equipped with a combination gas pump/Web browser. That way you'll be able to surf hot sites and scan your spam while breathing in gasoline fumes..."

  • Held Up By Music-On-Hold "According to a recent study done by The Institute To Get Press Coverage By Conducting Studies, men's preferred phone-on-hold music is classical. Excuse me? Have you ever seen a man remain on hold long enough to hear more than three notes of anything? How many men do you know who can..."

  • Hapless Surfer's Guide To Privacy Policies "Do you cringe at the very sight of yet another bewildering privacy policy? I offer, as a public service, my extremely unofficial guide to privacy policies..."

  • Bugged By Ads "If you saw what looked like an insect on your television screen, what weapon would you reach for? A wad of tissues, perhaps? Okay, let's make the bug more menacing than your average house invader -- let's make it a cockroach. I'm guessing you'd grab a sacrificial magazine, roll it up, and take a swing at the screen. A swing strong enough to demolish the roach (you hope), while leaving your TV set more or less intact..."

  • Election News Alert "Health care professionals throughout the United States are bracing for a severe outbreak of National Election Withdrawal Syndrome..."

  • Net Radio Blues "It's time for an embarrassing confession: I don't have cable TV or, for that matter, a microwave oven. I'd like to think I compensate by being the proud owner of one laptop and 2 PCs. But that's small comfort when I'm faced with frozen pizza..."

  • A Clueless Chat "I'm pleased to announce the launch of MadKane Chats. This exciting new series will feature online interviews with people so starved for publicity, they return my calls..."

  • A Tale of Two Engines "I've been hearing great things about Ask Jeeves and its question answering approach to search engine queries. So I decided to consult Jeeves about a car problem -- an engine noise that nobody's been able to fix. Here's how my consultation went..."

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