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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,
NOTABLES WEBLOG (October through December 2004)


Madeleine Begun Kane
 
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POLITICAL HUMOR    CHENEY HUMOR & SATIRE    SONG PARODIES    LEGAL HUMOR

Birthplace of THE KERIK ALERT POEM, TOP SECRET BUSH/KERRY DEBATE CONTRACT ADDENDUM, and OH, WHAT A MISERABLE FAILURE

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Here's where I archive my October through December 2004 Notables Weblog posts. For my most recent blog postings, click here. And please don't forget to check out my latest humor columns, Dubya's Dayly Diary, news haiku, and my other political humor.

January 2, 2005 (There Once Was A Year Named '04; 2004: Year In Review)

  • It's time to review the horror referred to in polite company as 2004. But first, a limerick:

    There once was a year named '04
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    There once was a year named '04,
    Ruled by Bush and his cronies hard-core.
    It's finally ended.
    If I could amend it,
    I'd show Bush and Cheney the door.

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

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December 27, 2004 (Dupe-Meister Dub)

  • How's this for a New Year's Resolution? Get the word out about George Bush's Social Security "reform" scam and make sure Dubya doesn't dupe our nation yet again.

    Dupe-Meister Dub
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Dubya's modus operandi
    Has become quite clear.
    Conj'ring up a looming crisis
    And inciting deep fear.

    First he did it with those weapons
    That do not exist,
    Scaring up support for war with
    Bogus claims and clenched fist.

    Dubya's latest terror tactic
    Features S.S. lies,
    Claiming bankruptcy is near and
    His "reforms" are quite wise.

    Will our nation once again be
    Taken in by George Dub?
    Or will citizens awaken
    And impeach the evil Shrub?

  • Time's running out to cast your votes in in About.com political humor contest. I'm nominated in two catogories: Best Ongoing Parody and Best Blog. Please vote for Mad Kane so I can avoid abject humiliation. Thanks!

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December 24, 2004 (The "No Comment" Chorus; Bye-Bye Bernie; Liberal Laughs)

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December 20, 2004 (Time's Madman of the Year)

  • Bush is Time Magazine's Person of the Year? Madman of the Year's more like it:

    Time's Madman of the Year
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Time's person of the year
    Is Bush once more.
    Cause he's good at spreading fear,
    And harming the poor?

    Time's choice is rather strange.
    Why pick a guy
    Who quite often acts deranged,
    And frequently lies?

    Rove almost got their prize,
    But lost to Dub.
    Time Mag eds, alas, surmised,
    They'd pay for that snub.

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December 20, 2004 (Bush Looks Pretty, Oh So Pretty; Mad Kane's Mad Blog Awards)

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December 17, 2004 (Spelling Is Hard Work; Here's Who I Nominated for a Koufax Award)

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December 16, 2004 (Bush Solves Our Trade Deficit Problem)

  • Yesterday afternoon I heard an Air America Radio sound clip of Bush sounding off on our surging trade deficit. Bush's statement was even sillier than this poem:

    Bush To The Rescue
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Our huge trade deficit's no big deal.
    According to Bush, it's easy to heal.
    The fix is simple to put in play:
    Just buy stuff made in the USA.

    And here in all its glory is Bush's ludicrous trade deficit quote: "That's easy to resolve. People can buy more United States products if they're worried about the trade deficit."

    See? I told you it was sillier than my poem.

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December 15, 2004 (Mad Kane on the Radio Friday Morning, Dec. 17th)

  • If you live in the New Hampshire radio listening area (radio stations WGIR AM, WGIP AM, or WGIN AM) and happen to be awake during the wee hours this Friday morning, I'll be doing a live radio interview for roughly fifteen minutes starting 6:38 AM. My topic isn't political humor, though. It's this. Now all I have to do is figure out how to be amusing at 6:38 AM.

    And in case you've ever wondered, here's what happens when a radio interview goes badly.

    Update: My Charlie Sherman show interview on the trials and tribulations of holiday office parties went well. Both host Charlie Sherman and news director Angela Anderson were delightful interviewers, although they did seem strangely psyched for their upcoming radio station office party. I recommended feigning the flu.

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December 14, 2004 (Singing The Koufax Competition Blues)

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December 13, 2004 (Please Say It's Not Joe; Rudy Awakening)

  • With Bernie Kerik out of the Homeland Security picture, there's speculation afoot about Joe Lieberman.

    Please Say It's Not Joe
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Some wonder who George Dub will pick
    To fill the Kerik void real quick.
    Were I to bet, I'd say it's Joe.
    He wants it bad, he won't say no.

    A pious man who pushed for war.
    An easy vote, he'll get for sure.
    A Dem who's really GOP
    Will run Homeland Security.

  • Now that Rudy Giuliani's squandered so much political capital on his pal Bernie Kerik, how does Rudy's political future look?

    Poor Rudy made a big faux pas:
    He said of Kerik, Rah! Rah! Rah!
    Now Kerik's out and Dub's displeased.
    So kiss good-bye those White House keys.

  • Silly Thought of the Day: Since we now know that laptops can cause male infertility, will "pro-lifers" lobby to have them banned?

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December 11, 2004 (Bernard Kerik Withdraws His Name for Top DHS Job, Allegedly Over Nannygate Problem)

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December 10, 2004 (About.com Political Dot-Comedy Award Nominees; MadKane Nominated in Best Blog & Best Parodies Categories)

  • I'm very pleased to report that I'm a nominee in two categories in this year's About.com Political Dot-Comedy Awards competition. My political humor as a whole is nominated in the Best Parodies (Ongoing Achievement) category and this weblog is one of 5 nominees in the Best Blog category. Competition's stiff, as usual, and I could really use some voting help to avoid abject humiliation.

    In the Best Ongoing Parodies category I'm up against Betty Bowers: America's Best Christian, Chortler, Internet Weekly, and WhiteHouse.org. And in the Best Blog category, my fellow nominees are Blame Bush, IMAO, ScrappleFace, and Wonkette.

    Jeez, Wonkette? How exactly does one compete with Wonkette? Anyway, as you can see, I need all the help I can get. So if you have time, I'd really appreciate your voting for me in one or both categories here. Thanks!

    And even if you're not in a voting mood, I'll bet you enjoy visiting the terrific nominees in categories including Best Web Cartoons, Best Satirical News, Best Election Parody, Best Bush Humor, Best Print Comic Strip, and Best Late-Night TV Comedy. You may even find some new (to you) humor sites to help you survive 2005.

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December 8, 2004 (Kerik Alert)

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December 7, 2004 (Ode To Starbucks; Holiday Humor)

  • This is all Steve Bates' fault: I'm referring to a funny poem he wrote about being hooked on Espresso Bombs. The minute I read it, I was attacked by a compulsion to ransack my files for an old piece I wrote but never posted about my cappuccino addiction. Here's how it starts:

    Ode To Starbucks
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Whenever friends ask me what I love about my hometown, Bayside, Queens, I launch into a monologue about its warm, friendly people, ethnic diversity, 24-hour stores, and convenience to Manhattan. From there I segue into restaurant reviews, extolling the virtues of Bayside's Bell Boulevard eateries. My enthusiasm is so contagious, I soon have my audience contemplating a move. Until I blow it by enthusing about the Starbucks on Northern Boulevard, two blocks from my house.

    "That yuppie hangout is taking over the world," one friend mutters in disgust.

    "I guess you'll have to move," says another.

    "I like Starbucks," I protest. "Besides, having one practically next door makes me feel more secure."

    I should probably fess up to being a cappuccino fiend. I'm so hooked on the stuff, that I own not one, but two pricey espresso/cappuccino makers. And I'm even thinking about buying a third ... just in case...

    The rest of my Ode To Starbucks is here.

  • As long as I'm not being political today, I might as well do my yearly holiday humor plug, including my Office Party Follies, Mad Gift Giving Guide, and my holiday humor page.

    Okay, tomorrow I promise I'll be back to politics as usual.

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December 1, 2004 (Is There A Reader In The House?)

  • House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., and Washington state Democrat Rep. Brian Baird are upset about the no-time-to-read-just-vote Budget Bill fiasco, involving a mysterious Budget Bill tax privacy invasion clause, which appears to be the first known case of immaculate clauseption.

    So Rep. Baird is sponsoring a bill which would more strictly enforce a three-day waiting period on major legislation, giving legislators time to read before they vote. Unfortunately, however, Rep. Baird thinks his bill is unlikely to pass, which means it's time for another poem:

    Is There A Reader In The House?
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Republicans have quite a scam:
    They load their bills with pork and ham,
    And sneak in clauses quite unfair,
    Whose merits aren't even aired.

    They pull this off quite easily:
    They give our Reps no time to read.
    Some vote for stuff they can't abide,
    Before the bill's red ink has dried.

    And when they're caught they just declare:
    "I did not know that clause was there.
    I'm not to blame. There was no time
    To read the thing. Is that a crime?"

    "We'll fix it later on for sure,"
    They say, while plotting more manure
    To add to bills they plan to pass.
    Republicans can kiss my ass.

    (My first poem about the Budget Bill brouhaha, Ernie Istook Explains All, is here.)

    An important aside: According to the AP article about Baird's proposal, Republicans have responded with their usual the-Democrats-did-it-when-they-were-running-things defense. It would have been nice had the AP reporter explored the accuracy of this charge, instead of just blandly citing it. Then again, that would have required actual investigative reporting.

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November 30, 2004 (Halliburton Blows)

  • Halliburton has lost millions of dollars worth of property in Iraq. But due to the Thanksgiving holiday weekend and media bias, this hasn't received the coverage it deserves. So I figured I'd do my part with a poem:

    Halliburton Blows
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Dick's fav'rite co
    Has blown another job.
    Losing stuff's their mo,
    When they dare not rob.

    Hall'burton's task
    Has paid 'em handsomely.
    "What's their job?" you ask:
    Manage property.

    Dick's chums have lost
    Tons of Iraqi stuff,
    At tremendous cost.
    When's enough, enough?

    I wonder what
    Their lame excuse will be.
    Will they lie and strut?
    Or blame "Billary?"

    They'll spurn their debts,
    And keep their Fed charge card.
    Cause like being Prez,
    Guarding stuff is hard.

    This isn't my first foray into Halliburton humor: I've also written Don't Cry For Dick's Halliburton. And all my Dick Cheney humor is here.

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November 28, 2004 (Tickled Pink; Obligatory Post-Thanksgiving Poem)

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November 22, 2004 (Rep. Ernest Istook Explains All)

  • I, for one, am pleased that Rep. Ernest Istook has finally explained the privacy invasion tax clause that mysteriously appeared in the Budget Bill:

    Ernie Istook Explains All
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    I'm innocent,
    Says Rep. Istook.
    I'd never at your tax files look.

    Didn't write that clause.
    It wasn't me.
    I'd never mess with privacy.

    I know not how
    Those lines appeared.
    A ghost perhaps? I've seen them here.

    The IRS
    Should take the blame.
    Or maybe it was Val'rie Plame.

    At any rate.
    The clause means naught.
    We'll dump it, now that I've been caught.

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November 17, 2004 (Ode To Alberto; Fabulosa Condoleezza; Robot Cockroaches)

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November 15, 2004 (Hail To The Hawks)

  • I'm so sick of religious hypocrisy and holier-than-thou hawks, I want to throw something. But the only thing in reach is a computer too pricey to replace. So instead, I'll write a poem:

    Hail To The Hawks
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Religious talk
    Of morals and faith
    Spews forth from hawks,
    Engendering hate.

    Hypocrisy,
    Harsh, bigoted speech,
    Fake piety,
    Their morals impeach.

    Some think the Lord
    Picked President Dub.
    If God picked George,
    Then God is a thug.

    Phew! I feel much better now, and I hope you do too.

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November 13, 2004 (What The Dickens Is That? Liberal Laughs)

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November 10, 2004 (But Does He Like Naked Statues?)

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November 8, 2004 (Mandate/Schmandate; The Poodle Returns)

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November 4, 2004 (Political Capital Crimes)

  • During his first post-election press conference, Bush announced plans to spend political capital, now that he's finished pissing away the regular kind.

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November 4, 2004 (Dubya's Dayly Diary)

  • How I fantasized about formally retiring my (now sporadic) Dubya's Dayly Diary at the same time we formally retired Bush. But alas, that's not happening nearly as soon as I'd hoped.

    Anyway, I'm not sure how long I can keep going inside Bush's head without giving myself permanent brain damage. So I haven't decided how long I'll keep my Bush diary feature going.

    But I did interrupt my post-election mourning period to ghost-write a new entry for him.

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November 3, 2004 (Dubya's New Excuse)

  • Dubya's multipurpose excuse for whatever goes wrong during his 2nd term -- the terrible mess he inherited from himself.

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October 30, 2004 (In The Year 2000; Liberal Laughs)

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October 28, 2004 (Dub's Debate Bulge -- A New Wrinkle; Liberal Laughs)

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October 25, 2004 (Yet Another Anti-Bush Poem)

  • Yet Another Anti-Bush Poem
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Lost explosives -- many tons.
    Feeling safer anyone?
    Bush forgot to mind the store.
    Must not give him four years more.

    Fear mong'ring, they claim of John.
    Just another Dick/Dub con.
    No regrets, Bush says each day.
    Time to tell Bush, "Go away!"

    Tax relief, Bush swears we got.
    Rich guys did, but we did not.
    "Leave no child behind," Bush said.
    Yet our schools are in the red.

    Dubya damaged land and air.
    Environment? Bush doesn't care.
    Yet he brags and brays and struts.
    Dump George Bush, no ifs or buts.

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October 23, 2004 (Post-Election Woes; Liberal Laughs)

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October 19, 2004 (Mary Cheney-nigans)

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October 15, 2004 (Bush & Cheney Horrorland)

  • Thanks to a link from Matt Stoller, I nearly lost my lunch visiting the White House Holiday pages. Unfortunately, the White House overlooked this important holiday tune. I hope you'll enjoy singing my "Bush and Cheney Horrorland" to "Winter Wonderland," using this midi link:

    Bush and Cheney Horrorland (Sing to "Winter Wonderland")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    People die, for no reason.
    People starve, 'tis the season.
    A terrible blight,
    Each night after night,
    In the Bush and Cheney Horrorland.

    Gone away is our lockbox...

    The rest of Bush and Cheney Horrorland is here.

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October 13, 2004 (Sinclair's Limerick)

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October 12, 2004 (Battle of the Debate Bulge Limerick)

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October 11, 2004 (Education President Song)

  • Since the third debate between George Bush and John Kerry will be focusing on domestic issues, Bush will surely brag about NCLB and his purported education accomplishments during Wednesday night's festivities. Unfortunately, Dubya's education reform is a miserable failure, which leads me to my latest song parody. Feel free to sing "The Education President Song" to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow (chorus only), using this midi link.

    Education President Song (Sing to "I Write The Songs")
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Bush promised parents that he'd fix our schools.
    That he'd make sure their children didn't turn out fools.
    But all the teachers got were lots of rules.
    Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.

    (Fridge Break)

    NCLB is packed with many flaws.
    Unfunded mandates are against the law.
    Our education bucks were used for war.
    Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.

    (Bathroom Break)

    Dub's Education Sec has no respect
    For teacher's unions. Called them terrorists.
    Dub's education law is quite the mess.
    Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.

    (Cocktail Break)

    An education prez, Bush claims to be.
    He doesn't even know his A B C's.
    Our children need to be NCLB-free.
    Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.

    © October 9, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

    My serious essay, Bush Isn't An "Education President," He Just Plays One is here, and my education humor is here.

    Update: Once again, the Bush/Cheney campaign is running ads with a fake journalist. This time the ad promotes Bush's No Child Left Behind travesty.

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October 10, 2004 (Liberal Laughs)

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October 8, 2004 (Cheney v. Edwards Debate Limericks; This & That)

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October 5, 2004 (Sore Loser Limerick)

  • I can't wait to watch Edwards beat the pants off Cheney tonight. Of course after Edwards' win, Drudge and his fellow wingnuts will undoubtedly make some spurious cheating claim. Perhaps they'll say he violated the debate rules by looking too cute. Or that he cheated by using sneaky lawyer tricks. Or that he smuggled in a pen with magical powers. After all, we know from the Bush/Kerry debate that wingnuts are sore losers.

    Sore Loser Limerick
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    There once was a man named George Dub,
    Who debated and mis'rably flubbed.
    He was beat fair and square,
    But false claims were soon aired
    By those sore-loser, cry-babe Repubs.

    © October 5, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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September 30, 2004 (News Haiku; This & That)

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September 28, 2004 (Blogtopian Ode)

  • Billmon's LA Times Op Ed Blogging Sells, and Sells Out has much of the blogosphere a/k/a blogtopia in an uproar over Billmon's negative outlook on blogging. Here's my opinion in verse:

    Blogtopian Ode
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Will blogtopia be ruined
    By money, ads, and press?
    Will a few cash in and leave behind
    A sad, unholy mess?

    Some believe that blogs are doomed,
    Their value lost, alas!
    They're afraid that bloggers' death knell looms,
    Can't wait to hold a mass.

    As for me, I'm quite convinced
    Their mourning's premature,
    And the only blogospheric threats
    Are blogs that whine and bore.

    © September 28, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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September 27, 2004 (News Haiku; Liberal Music Making)

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September 22, 2004 (Top Secret Debate Contract Addendum)

  • As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, MadKane.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as "Debate Throat."

    TOP SECRET ADDENDUM TO ELECTION 2004 DEBATE AGREEMENT, entered into on September 20, 2004 by President George W. Bush (hereinafter referred to as "Bush") and Senator John F. Kerry (hereinafter referred to as "Kerry")

    WHEREAS, The interesting thing about being the President is you don't have to explain things;

    WHEREAS, If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier; and

    WHEREAS, Bush and Kerry have entered into a Debate Agreement and wish to modify it and memorialize certain secret debate terms.

    NOW, THEREFORE, Bush and Kerry hereby agree to the following top secret provisions:

    1.   Kerry shall be required to answer all debate questions in French.

    2.   Bush shall be required to answer all debate questions in English.

    3.   Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Bush shall feature several U.S. flags, the precise number of which is subject to further negotiation.

    4.   Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Kerry shall feature a map of Massachusetts and two life-size photos of Kerry with Jane Fonda.

    5.   During the debates, Kerry shall address Bush as "Mr. President" or, if Kerry so elects, "Monsieur President."

    6.   During the debates, Bush shall address Kerry as "Senator Kerry" or, if Bush so elects, "Senator Flip-Flop."

    7.   Bush may, if he so chooses, elevate his torso by sitting on one or more padded telephone books. Alternatively, he may debate atop his mountain bike.

    8.   Kerry may, at his sole option, fluff up his hair, provided that Kerry's hair elevation shall not exceed 1.2 inches above scalp level.

    9.   Both Bush and Kerry may, but shall not be required to, wear a hat while debating (hereinafter referred to as "optional head-wear.") Bush's optional head-wear shall be a cowboy hat, and Kerry's optional head-wear shall be a beret.

    10.  Both Bush and Kerry shall wear business attire during debates one and two. However, during the third debate Bush may, if he so elects, wear a flight jacket, and Kerry may, if he so elects, where whatever garb he wears when he windsurfs.

    11.  All debate attendees shall be required to sign Bush/Cheney loyalty oaths, including all members of the media, except those employed by Fox.

    12.  Notwithstanding paragraph 11, Dan Rather shall be excluded from each debate, unless a panel of 6 experts unanimously confirms that his Bush/Cheney loyalty oath is not a forgery.

    13.  If Bush does not wish to answer any given question, he shall so indicate by saying "I'm glad you asked me that question," at which point the questioner shall thank him for his excellent answer and pose the same question to Kerry.

    14.  Kerry shall be required to sigh at least three times per debate. Moreover, additional sighs shall be required if any cameraman misses the shot.

    15.  Bush shall not be asked any question that requires him to pronounce the words nuclear, solidarity and/or Abu Ghraib.

    16.  In the event Kerry is declared the winner of any debate, Bush shall be entitled to a recount.

    SIGNATURES: _______________ (President George W. Bush) _______________ (Senator John F. Kerry)

      

    © September 22, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

    You can find more of my legal humor here and my political humor here.

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