Do you spend money faster than you can earn it? These columns, song parodies, limericks, and comic strips won't solve your finance problems, but I hope they'll give you a few laughs. So I hope you'll enjoy all this money and finance humor, limericks, and light verse by Madeleine Begun Kane.
Limerick Ode To A Petty Thief "What sort of burglar sends stolen jewelry to a newspaper, complaining that the stuff he stole from a socialite turned out to be fake..."
Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."
A Limerick Mistake "A fellow had made a mistake:
Paid big bucks for a painting — a fake..."
Limerick Skill "A fellow was proud of his skill
In drafting the hand-crafted will: ..."
Miserly Limerick "A miserly fellow name Joe
Was obsessed with his weekly cash flow. ..."
Hapless Home Buyer's Guide "The road to buying a house is paved with dwindling bank accounts, devious brokers, confusing insurance quotes, and home owners who (you hope) are desperate to sell. Yes, it's a challenge. But with the help of these easy to follow instructions, you can negotiate your way into unthinkable debt..."
Cautionary Verse "Identity theft is quite scary,
Causing problems horrific. Be wary! ..."
Ode To Prosperity (Limerick)
"The affluent prosper quite well,
As their savings continue to swell. ..."
Pity The Poor Lawyer (Limerick)
"“Your billable hours are low,”
Said the partner. “They simply must grow..."
Working Stiffed "Finding a new job can be a daunting challenge. But if you follow my simple 21-step plan, you'll soon be battling cranky alarm clocks, rush-hour traffic, and the living for the weekend daily grind..."
Form 1040 Blues (Limerick)
"There’s a tax form that makes me irate:
Form 1040, a long form I hate..."
How To Refinance: A Harried Home-Owner's Survival Guide "Hear radio reports touting the lowest interest rates in recorded history. Find out everyone you've ever met just refinanced at what is surely the bottom of the market. Become convinced that rates will rise four points by tomorrow. Panic. Rip interest quotes out of the Sunday papers. Visits helpful sites like RefinanceForPeanuts.com, ReallyCheapBucks.com, RefinanceBeforeGreenspanChangesHisMind.com..."
Taxing Verse (Limerick and Haiku)
"My records are scattered. Oh dear!
And tax filing day’s almost here. ..."
Bill Collection Time "The judge viewed your case with derision,
So he rendered an adverse decision. ..."
Loan Poem (Limerick)
"Are you desp’rate — in need of a loan?
Friends and fam’ly won’t throw you a bone? ..."
Banking On Money Poems (Limerick and Haiku)
"I once balanced my checkbook with ease.
But, alas, it’s no longer a breeze. ..."
Tough Negotiators, Those Bushies! (Limerick) “I practiced law for over a dozen years and negotiated lots of contracts. And, unlike the Bush administration, I always kept my poker face. Why? Because if you want the best possible deal, you must make the other party think that he needs you more than you need him. ...”
Go Away Already, Bushie Spinmeisters! (Limerick) “The Bush-Cheney spinmeisters refuse to go away. Last week it was Ari Fleischer, and this week it’s Dana Perino on CSPAN’s Washington Journal. ...”
Only Peons Have To Pay Taxes (Limerick) “First Tim Geithner, and now Tom Daschle. Anyone else getting tired of rich, powerful people failing to pay taxes, saying “Oops! Sorry! My bad!” and getting away with it? ...”
Dear “Everyday Working Class” Sarah "How many 'everyday, working-class Americans' do you know who own 'a single-engine plane, two boats, two personal watercraft and a half-million-dollar, custom-built home on a lake…'”?
401(k) Ode (Owed) (To be sung to "Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye" by Kahn, Erdman & Russo)
Keeps on dropping, oh my!
Republicans who tell me,
I shouldn't be blue, no words can tell how mad it makes me.
Four-Oh-One-Kay, oh when
Will you rise up again..."
But Has He Ever Seen A Scanner? "In case there was ever a doubt at all
That Dubya's out of touch,
His answer to that three-job-mom
Sure proves he don't know much..."
Limerick Madness "Saying "private" account proves we're biased,
Charge the wingnuts in tones oh so pious..."
Taxing Memories Did you get it together and file your tax returns on time? If not, you aren't alone. Every year, the IRS is swamped with extension requests, thousands of requests ranging from the routine to the bizarre. Sometimes it even publicizes some of the wilder excuses, two of which featured wildlife. Who would have thought "My ocelot ate my tax forms," would work..."
Dupe-Meister Dub "Dubya's modus operandi
Has become quite clear.
Conj'ring up a looming crisis
And inciting deep fear...."
Bush To The Rescue "Our huge trade deficit's no big deal.
According to Bush, it's easy to heal..."
Bush's Burst Bubble "Our housing bubble’s fin’lly burst,
Our pockets picked by George The Worst..."
On Wall Street (To be sung to "On Broadway")
"They say that things are really bad on Wall Street.
They say there's much malfeasance in the air.
But I don't want to hurt my friends.
And tough laws give my pals the bends.
Then donors drop right off and I'm nowhere..."
If It Is Broke, Don't Fix It "I have one basic approach to repair persons. I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's the only way I know to avoid paying $200 to fix something worth $1.98..."
Loose Change Exchange "'Oh, please do you have some loose change?'
Said a beggar all covered with mange. ..."
Bye Bye Mitch (To be sung to "Bye Bye Love")
"Bye bye Mitch,
Mitch D's quit, he says,
He helped make a mess,
I sure ain't gonna cry..."
Class Warfare Song (To be sung to "Moon River")
Poverty will swell
If Karl and Dubya get
Handling Harvey "CHENEY: Good morning, Mr. President. We need to discuss the Pitt problem. If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Harvey to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: But I like Harvey. More important -- our pals like Harvey. What's the matter with yur eye?
CHENEY: There's nothing wrong with my eye! If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Pitt to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: I just told ya -- I'm not dumpin Harvey! Ya really should get that eye looked at..."
Ode To Kenny Boy (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
"Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide..."
Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."
Corporate Confessions "During this year's annual shareholders' meeting, Ford Motor Co. made some surprising admissions about the environmental and safety problems of SUVs. Ford's refreshing attack of corporate honesty has inspired at least one other manufacturer to make some confessions of its own..."
Millionaire for the Masses? I've come up with a great way to impress friends, relatives, enemies, prospective dates and, most important, your mailman: Subscribe to Millionaire magazine and display it prominently at all times. Better yet, order two subscriptions and...
Mad Gift Giving Guide "Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale..."
Car Cons "Wait! Come Back! I'll drop the price another thou."
Imagine a car salesman following you into the parking lot, banging on your door, and begging you not to leave. Implausible? Perhaps. But that very memory cheers me whenever I think about the horror referred to in polite company as buying a new car..."
Electric Note "Dear Sir: I am writing this letter to thank you for the services rendered by your able employees. You will be pleased to learn that their timeliness easily outpaced that of any other workers employed by me. Indeed, they topped the record set by my plumber last month, when their scheduled 8:30 a.m. arrival occurred before noon twice in one week..."
Taxing Summer "Summer -- the perfect season for playing outdoor sports, becoming one with nature, ... preparing tax returns..."
The Blue and the Gray "I have great news for all you fashion loving fans of navy blue: Navy blue is the new black. Or to be precise, navy blue is the new gray which (until roughly twenty seconds ago) used to be..."