I'm a "recovering lawyer" and every once in a while, my writing gives me away. You'll find lots of funny "contracts" here. Husband/wife contracts, parent/children contracts, and other legal agreements related to travel, dentists, music, dating, holidays, and other aspects of daily life. You'll also find other humor including tales of parody lawsuits, tax filing humor, legal limericks, a guide to privacy policies, and ... well ... see for yourself. So I hope you'll enjoy all this legal, lawyer, and litigation-related humor, light verse, and limericks by Madeleine Begun Kane.
Bracing For That Blind Date (funny contract) "Are you facing yet another blind date with fear and dread? Are you tempted to throttle anyone who cajoles you into going out with an allegedly attractive friend? Believe it or not, blind dates can actually be fun..."
Worldwide Limerick "A fellow was famous worldwide:
His two wives had suspiciously died..."
That's What The Law's About (to be sung to "The Hokey Pokey")
"You have to dot those i's.
You've got to cross those t's.
You have to seem so wise.
You must justify those fees.
And if you're smart and lucky
You will turn your case around.
That's what the law's about..."
Revel With A Clause (funny contract) "Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You're running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return..."
Sparring Over Spare Time (Humorous Contract) "Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple's interests just don't jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues..."
Limerick Skill "A fellow was proud of his skill
In drafting the hand-crafted will: ..."
Limerick Degree "A fellow who had a degree
In law, yes, the dreaded JD, ..."
Billable Pep Talk "The chances are good that you’ll win,”
Said the lawyer, betraying a grin. ..."
Musical Accord (funny contract) "One afternoon your ten-year old daughter comes home from school, enthused about learning to play an instrument. Your eyeballs start to throb. Your head begins to pulsate. You ask yourself whether tin ears are passed down from parents to their children..."
Supreme Story "Way back in 1999, President Bill Clinton nominated a brilliant lawyer for a seat on the federal appeals court based in the District of Columbia. Alas, that lawyer never got to the D.C. bench. Indeed, the brilliant nominee never even got to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. ..."
The Dreaded E-Word “President Obama recently used the e-word in connection with his yet-to-be-named U.S. Supreme Court nominee, and the Republicans were (or pretended to be) horrified. ...”
Karl’s Roving Standards (Double Limerick) “Nothing brings out Republican hypocrisy like a nice, juicy U.S. Supreme Court vacancy. Take Karl Rove, for instance, on Obama’s potential nominees to replace Justice David Souter: ...”
Ms. Legal Person Answers Your Holiday Questions "Ms. Legal Person returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season. "Your free help was worth every penny," wrote one satisfied reader. "Do you have malpractice insurance?" wrote ... oops, wrong letter..."
Office Party Follies (funny contract) "There are few "fun" activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape..."
If I Were A Judge (Limerick)
"Your argument doesn’t make sense.
It’s absurd and illogical. Hence, ..."
"My new laptop refuses to boot,
So I’m thinking of filing a suit. ..."
Taking A Vacation on the Contract Plan (funny contract) "Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what's a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line..."
Mad Gift Giving Guide (funny contract) "Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale..."
Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."
Tough Negotiators, Those Bushies! (Limerick) “I practiced law for over a dozen years and negotiated lots of contracts. And, unlike the Bush administration, I always kept my poker face. Why? Because if you want the best possible deal, you must make the other party think that he needs you more than you need him. ...”
Ode To Kenny Boy (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
"Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide..."
Frist And Hastert Rediscover The Constitution "Frist and Hastert don't care if the Bush administration invades the privacy of ordinary citizens. Nor do they seem bothered by the Executive branch's brazen power grab, evidenced by Bush's "de facto veto" signing statements, Congressional oversight avoidance, and sundry law breaking. But just let the Justice Department mess with one of their own..."
The Immoderate Pact Song Parody (Sing to When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again)
"The 'moderates' made a voting pact.
We're screwed, we're screwed.
The 'moderates' got their power back.
We're screwed, we're screwed.
Their deal betrays our democracy..."
A Pox On Cox's Nomination "Chris Cox is Dubya's nominee
To head the SEC.
A man who boosted corp'rate rights
With fervor, zeal, and glee..."
Injudicious Limericks A pair of limericks "celebrating" Bush judicial nominees Janice Rogers Brown and Priscilla Owen.
The Don't Compromise Song (Sing to Let's Twist Again)
Words that make me shudder.
Yeah, "let's compromise,"
Words I've grown to fear..."
The Filibuster Song (Sing to Alouette)
Save the filibuster.
AMT Owed Ode -- Tax Poem "The AMT's a sneaky tax.
Though meant to snare the wealthy,
It burdens workers to the max. ..."
Top Secret Debate Contract Addendum "As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, MadKane.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as Debate Throat..."
The Fair & Balanced Song Parody (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
"Fair and balanced,
Fair and balanced.
Empty slogans, rabid views, and shrill rants.
Fox calls critics liars.
O'Reilly's filled with angst and ire..."
Spying Days Are Here Again (To be sung to "Happy Days Are Here Again")
"Spying days are here again.
You aren't safe from evil men.
One might even be a real close friend.
Spying days are here again..."
John Mortimer Profile Attention Rumpole fans! At long last, I've posted the John Mortimer profile I wrote for British Heritage Magazine roughly a zillion years ago. (While this isn't a humor piece, Mortimer's one witty retired barrister and author.)
The Traitorgate Song (to be sung to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow)
"The scandal started with a Niger lie
About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate..."
Old Dick Cheney (To be sung to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm")
"Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO.
And when they sued, Dick had a cow, he hates the GAO.
With a lawsuit here and a lawsuit there,
Here a suit, there a suit,
Everywhere a lawsuit.
Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO...
Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."
If It Is Broke, Don't Fix It "I have one basic approach to repair persons. I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's the only way I know to avoid paying $200 to fix something worth $1.98..."
Ashcroft's Favorite Things (To be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
"Rifles and roscoes and Winch'sters and cannons,
Rich NRA guys who own lots of weapons,
Generous men to whose pockets I cling,
These are a few of my favorite things..."
401(k) Ode (Owed) (To be sung to "Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye" by Kahn, Erdman & Russo)
Keeps on dropping, oh my!
Republicans who tell me,
I shouldn't be blue, no words can tell how mad it makes me.
Four-Oh-One-Kay, oh when
Will you rise up again..."
On Wall Street (To be sung to "On Broadway")
"They say that things are really bad on Wall Street.
They say there's much malfeasance in the air.
But I don't want to hurt my friends.
And tough laws give my pals the bends.
Then donors drop right off and I'm nowhere..."
Fristy The Surgeon (To be sung to "Frosty The Snowman" by Nelson & Rollins)
"Fristy the surgeon
Was elected on the phone.
With a White House boost got the Leader post.
Will he throw Trent Lott a bone..."
Employee Dearest Dear Employee: Congratulations on your ___ (fill in the blank) anniversary at StaffPeopleInESpace.com ("SPIES"). We hope you have enjoyed your ___ (fill in the blank) years at SPIES as much as we have.
It's time, as you know, for your annual review, which we have decided to do this year by email. In the past, we made every effort to conduct employee reviews face to face. Frankly, however, in person interviews are very time consuming. Plus we had far too many fatalities.
Say Goodbye To Privacy (To be sung to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel)
"Bush is drivin' through a bill that strips rights,
Turns your life to an open, guided tour.
It sends your info to a Fed'ral machine.
It's a scene straight from Nineteen-Eight-Four.
Say goodbye to privacy.
Say goodbye to freedom..."
Handling Harvey "CHENEY: Good morning, Mr. President. We need to discuss the Pitt problem. If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Harvey to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: But I like Harvey. More important -- our pals like Harvey. What's the matter with yur eye?
CHENEY: There's nothing wrong with my eye! If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Pitt to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: I just told ya -- I'm not dumpin Harvey! Ya really should get that eye looked at..."
Suin' For The Win (To be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan)
"How many ways can I run unopposed
And still claim that I'm being fair?
How many ways can I get every vote
And land me a Senator's chair?
How many claims can I bring to the courts
Before the election's declared?
The answer my friends is in my lawyers' hands,
The answer is in my lawyers' hands..."
Irresolution Blues (To be sung to "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" by Ahlert/Young)
"I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution.
And make believe it's right to do.
The GOP is tough to beat.
I'm scared to go down in defeat.
And so I kissed George Bush's bottom.
Please don't think I'm rotten..."
Corporate Confessions "During this year's annual shareholders' meeting, Ford Motor Co. made some surprising admissions about the environmental and safety problems of SUVs. Ford's refreshing attack of corporate honesty has inspired at least one other manufacturer to make some confessions of its own..."
Ms. LegalPerson Tries To Explain Election 2000 "Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday's Presidential election is over and that Gore ... no ... Bush ... no ... Gore ... no ... Bush ... no.... Hmmm, better begin again in the "do over" spirit that's overtaken the U.S. media. Here goes: Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday is history. Tuesday's election, however, may never end..."
Electric Note "Dear Sir: I am writing this letter to thank you for the services rendered by your able employees. You will be pleased to learn that their timeliness easily outpaced that of any other workers employed by me. Indeed, they topped the record set by my plumber last month, when their scheduled 8:30 a.m. arrival occurred before noon twice in one week..."