July 29th, 2016
Imaginary (but frighteningly plausible) dialogue:
Mom: “How was school today?”
Son: “Some kids said really mean things about me! And you know what I wanted to do? I wanted to hit ’em — especially one real little guy.”
Mom: “I didn’t raise you to run around hitting people.”
Son: “But they were mean to me! Especially the little one!”
Mom: “And don’t make fun of short people!”
Son: “I wanted to hit this one guy so hard, his head would spin, and he wouldn’t know what the hell happened.”
Mom: “Last warning! If you don’t stop reading Donald Trump’s Twitter feed, I’m taking away your iPhone!”
July 28th, 2016
Are you confused by the Trump/Putin relationship? The Donald has helpfully written us this limerick:
Meet Putin? I did not … or did.
No one hacked, just to help with my bid.
But what a great plan!
Hey Putin, my man,
Hack those emails that Hillary hid.
July 25th, 2016
Dear Bernie, I hope you’ll succeed
In persuading supporters to heed
All your “real world” advice.
If you fail, our steep price
Is a probable Trumped-up stampede.
July 19th, 2016
Melania’s speech was revealing;
In her push to make Donald appealing,
She stole lines from Michelle
About values. Oh well,
This confirms that both Trumps value stealing.
July 16th, 2016
Dear Chris, though you put up a fight,
Pence swiped that Veep slot. What a slight!
I am betting you’re mad.
If you weren’t a cad
I’d feel pity, instead of delight.
July 12th, 2016
Bernie’s Clinton endorsement has come.
Sanders’ fans? Some are mad, some just glum.
Will they heed his late cue,
Or continue to boo?
I sure hope they don’t do something dumb.
July 1st, 2016
It’s illegal and terribly brash
To ask foreign officials for cash
For your U.S. prez run.
That’s what Donald has done.
Will he pay any price? Balderdash!
June 28th, 2016
Dear Donald, you once would extol
Your rankings in poll after poll.
You’d brag and you’d gloat
And you’d proudly emote
About numbers you loved, heart and soul.
But now that you’re deep in the hole,
With low poll numbers taking their toll,
You scream and you swear
That they’re fake and unfair–
Once a poll-touter, now a poll troll.
June 26th, 2016
Dear Bernie: I started out liking you, but preferring Hillary. Over time, my respect for you has gradually declined. However until today, I still thought you were a well-meaning progressive, albeit one with an over-inflated ego and a soupçon of sexism.
But all that has changed as a result of your “performance” today on CNN’s State of the Union. My regard for you now is undoubtedly every bit as low as the “Bernie Or Busters’ regard for Hillary Clinton.
So please don’t bother endorsing Hillary EVER. It’s way too late. Nobody cares!
And by all means please keep up your increasingly obnoxious remarks about Hillary — comments you apparently must spew in order to maintain the media attention you require to get through the day. Because again, NOBODY CARES!
And re your: “We are trying to say to Secretary Clinton and the Clinton campaign, ‘Make it clear which side you are on,’” please get therapy. Your need for it appears desperate.
PS: You LOST!!!
June 25th, 2016
I’m flooded with emails and calls
From fellows who think they’ve the balls
To run as my veep.
But my standards are steep;
Are they skilled with cement for my walls?
June 22nd, 2016
I was amused to learn that Trump has been duping friends with fake diamond cuff link gifts for years.
Fake cuff links — my favorite gift–
Very key to maintaining my thrift.
“They’re fine diamonds,” I say
When I give them away.
No one’s miffed; friends don’t know they’ve been stiffed.
June 22nd, 2016
My Hillary speech went off great!
And I’m betting that liar’s irate.
I’ll shellack her and whack her,
Attack her and thwack her.
Getting rich in the Oval’s my fate.
June 19th, 2016
Dear Bernie, feel free to contest
The convention with zeal and with zest.
But in case that you think
We’re naive and will shrink
In your wake, you’ll speak midnight, at best.
June 17th, 2016
Explain Bernie? I’ll give it a whirl:
He apparently thinks he’s a pearl,
And that Hill and her lot
Are beneath him — worth squat –
Plus he CAN’T bear to lose to a girl.
June 15th, 2016
It seems possible that Bernie won’t endorse Hillary. Or that he’ll delay his endorsement for so long, that it loses much of its effectiveness. And that makes me wonder how valuable a timely Sanders endorsement really is. And how damaging his non-endorsement might be.
From what I can gather, Bernie supporters fall into three broad categories:
1: Those who’ve said all along that they will vote for whoever gets the Democratic nomination.
2: Those who’ve come to realize that (however they may feel about Hillary) Trump is a dangerous threat to our nation and must be stopped.
3: Bernie Or Busters who are so anti-Hillary, that they turned against Elizabeth Warren, the second she endorsed her.
So, would a reasonably prompt Bernie endorsement have any value beyond the symbolic? That very question inspired this limerick:
An endorsement from Bernie’d be great,
Though I’d ask if it truly has weight;
Donald must be shellacked!
You don’t see this? You’re whacked!
And your Bern love could soon turn to hate.
June 15th, 2016
“Our nation is finished. Doom’s near.”
That’s the message from Trump that we hear.
In a way, Donald’s right,
Cuz that’s surely our plight
If we let him our “ship of state” steer.
June 13th, 2016
Dear Trump, are you trying to lose
By pretending you’re missing some screws?
Was your run just a bluff
Which has gone far enough?
If that’s true, then withdraw. Drop the ruse!
June 1st, 2016
The Donald’s a real estate grifter
And a policy viewpoint shape shifter.
If you fall for his spiel
And think HE’s the real deal,
You’ve been guzzling from beer stein or snifter.
May 30th, 2016
According to this strange interview, Republican Kelly Maher, a political analyst, is so depressed by Donald Trump that she bought a pet wallaby for emotional support.
About Trump, Kelly’s very upset.
She’s so jumpy, she got a new pet
To help with her sadness
And wall off the madness.
Will a Wallaby help her not fret?
May 26th, 2016
I laughed out loud when I heard about Sen. Orrin Hatch’s Deseret News op-ed, reporting the results of a meeting with Chief Judge Merrick Garland that had yet to take place:
“Like many of my Senate colleagues, I recently met with Chief Judge Merrick Garland, President Obama’s nominee to the Supreme Court. … Our meeting, however, does not change my conviction that the Senate should consider a Supreme Court nominee after this presidential election cycle,” Hatch wrote in an op-ed published on the website of the Deseret News early Thursday morning and later removed. It remains available in a Google database.
Dear Orrin, it isn’t a race
To report on a meeting you’ll face.
And it’s best not to claim
It did NOT change your game
When that meeting has yet to take place.