Ode to Mark “Sweet Talker” Sanford

July 1st, 2009

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford shouldn’t resign because he’s an unfaithful, lying, hypocrite … although he’s all that and more. He should resign because he’s a moron! Only a blithering idiot could, in one breath, publicly describe his lover as his “soul mate” and, in the next breath, vow to salvage his marriage and fall back in love with his wife, Jenny.

Ode to Mark “Sweet Talker” Sanford
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Sanford, you need to stay mum
Cuz your statements are dumb as they come.
Tell me: Why would your wife
Take you back in this life,
When your soul mate’s another? You bum!

De-Moralized?

June 28th, 2009

I’ve heard some twisted rationalizations over the years. But Rush Limbaugh’s attempt at blaming Obama for Mark Sanford’s failings really takes the cake.

A double limerick, just for Rush Limbaugh:

De-Moralized?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Rush claims that Obama’s to blame
For Sanford’s disgrace and his shame:
The stimulus bill
Destroyed Sanford’s will.
Wow, even for Limbaugh, that’s lame.

When a Democrat strays — no excuse!
Just right-wing attacks and abuse.
But conservative sins
Are spinned — turned to wins.
Try to reason with Rush? It’s no use!

Mark Sanford’s Trail … Of Hypocrisy

June 24th, 2009

All the explanations for Gov. Mark Sanford’s absence — the recharging, the writing, the catching up on projects, the naked Appalachian Trail hiking — are officially inoperative. Come to think of it, Sanford did take a hike — from his obligations to his wife and family and to his constituents.

A secret Argentinean affair! Wow! You have to give the righteous Republican Brownie points for creativity:

Mark Sanford’s Trail … Of Hypocrisy (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The myst’ry of Sanford is solved.
We have learned an affair is involved.
Argentinean tryst!
Now that’s quite a twist.
Say goodbye to his Prez hopes. Dissolved!

Steeley Plan For Health Care

June 23rd, 2009

Life would be ever so much easier, if only RNC Chairman Michael Steele had Barack Obama’s gig. For instance, we’d be able to solve our health care problems in a nanosecond:

STEELE: So if it’s a cost problem, it’s easy: Get the people in a room who have the most and the most direct impact on cost, and do the deal. Do the deal. It’s not that complicated.

If it’s an access question, people don’t have access to health care, then figure out who they are, and give them access! Hello?! Am I missing something here? …

And so it’s time for yet another Michael Steele limerick:

Steeley Plan For Health Care
By Madeleine Begun Kane

U.S. health reform’s easy, says Steele.
Simply get in a room — do the deal.
Whether access or cost
Is the problem, accost
Those involved, do the deal, and get real.

Mark Sanford — Lost? Or Losing It?

June 23rd, 2009

I don’t know what’s weirder — the fact that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s been missing since Thursday, or that his wife doesn’t seem at all worried.

Mark Sanford — Lost? Or Losing It? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Gov. Sanford — oh let’s call him Mark —
Has left his whole state in the dark.
He’s gone missing, they say.
Can they reach him? No way!
Is he nuts, or just lost in some park?

Update: Here’s my favorite rumor about South Carolina’s missing governor: Mark Sanford may have been hiking naked.

Update 2: Now that Governor Sanford’s fessed up to an Argentinean tryst, I’ve written him another limerick.

Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell. Just Sign!

June 15th, 2009

Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell. Just Sign! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Obama, our nation can’t wait.
Please stop ousting the folks who ain’t straight.
Yes, we know your plate’s full,
But I’m sorry — that’s bull!
Sign a “stop-loss.” How long can it take?

Not So Belle

June 15th, 2009

I tend to avoid embroilment in comment fights. But Sunday was an exception.

Over at Facebook (I’m at facebook.com/madkane, should you wish to befriend me) a George Stephanopoulos post had drawn some really crazed comments. The topic was the Sarah Palin / David Letterman brouhaha, and I couldn’t resist chiming in with this comment:

He was clearly referring to Palin’s unwed-mother/18 year old daughter, who apparently has become a spokesperson for abstinence and is in the public eye thanks to Palin’s actions. He apologized. Palin, instead of accepting his apology in a classy fashion, continues to distort and exploit what he said.

Nine minutes later an outraged woman named (I kid you not) Belle Blessing posted this over-the-top response:

Madelin, maybe you like perverts hanging out their tongues at your daughter or maybe you even offer her up to them. The majority of this American nation who still have their moral values in tack…don’t want the perverts giving second glance. The foundation that this country was founded on had higher moral values than letting the dirt bag over 50 population treat women and girls like sex slaves. The perverts should stick to passing toilet paper under the wall and picking up on other perverted men.

In an exercise of extreme self-control, I posted just this in response:

Dear Belle, I hope you and Sarah Palin will be very happy together. :)

Aren’t you impressed with my self-control?

Not so fast!

Twenty minutes later I just couldn’t help myself. Ms. Belle deserved a limerick, so I posted this:

There once was a woman named Belle,
Who believed I was destined for hell.
So self-righteous was she,
She condemned me with glee
And an arrogance no one could quell.

I feel much better now.

Hannity Insanity

June 11th, 2009

Few people are better at creating a Krauthammer-lauded “alternate reality” than Fox’s Sean Hannity. Columnist Dick Polman provides an excellent example:

On his Fox show one week ago, Sean Hannity told his credulous fans that President Obama had made a deliberate effort during his Cairo speech “to give 9/11 sympathizers a voice on the world stage.” … Hannity even backed up his reporting by airing a video clip from the speech, with Obama saying: “I am aware that there are still some that would question or even justify the events of 9/11.”

… Hannity’s video clip of Obama was truncated after that single quoted sentence, omitting everything that followed. Here’s what Obama said next, none of which was aired for the Fox viewers:

“But let us be clear. Al Qaeda killed nearly 3000 people on that day. The victims were innocent men, women and children from America and many other nations who had done nothing to harm anybody. And yet al Qaeda chose to ruthlessly murder these people … These are not opinions to be debated; these are facts to be dealt with.” …

For that outrageous deception alone, Sean Hannity deserves a limerick:

Hannity Insanity
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There once was a fellow named Hannity
Who strutted and showed off his vanity.
From his Fox chair he lied,
Took his fans for a ride,
And showed utter disdain for humanity.

Liz Cheney’s Song

June 8th, 2009

When Judge Sonia Sotomayor was first nominated for the U.S. Supreme Court, I started writing this Mike Huckabee-related song parody:

Maria,
I’d swear that her name was Maria.

Unfortunately, I got distracted and never finished it. However, I did find another use for this Leonard Bernstein West Side Story tune. My latest song parody concerns the ubiquitous Liz Cheney:

Liz Cheney’s Song
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Liz Cheney.
You just can’t avoid Lizzie Cheney.
The former Veep’s to blame.
Their surnames are the same, you see.

Liz Cheney.
I sure would not miss Lizzie Cheney,
If suddenly I found
Liz Cheney unrenowned. Yippee!

Liz Cheney.
Say it loud and her lies are playing.
Make her stop, I confess I am praying.

Liz Cheney.
She’ll never stop fibbing.
Liz Cheney.

The most terrible lies I’ve ever heard.
Liz Cheney.

Bankrupt Values

June 4th, 2009

Republicans have no shortage of things to fulminate about.  One of their favorites?  The General Motors bankruptcy:

Bankrupt Values (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

An auto co known as GM
In the past was considered a gem.
It’s in bankruptcy now.
Will that hurt? Yes, and how!
But the GOP’s goal? Blame the Dem!

(You can find my lighter car humor columns and limericks here.)

Ode To Mark Krikorian

May 29th, 2009

The National Review’s Mark Krikorian is having problems with Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s name. Apparently, its pronunciation doesn’t sufficiently conform to Krikorian’s Anglo standards. So what’s his solution? He pronounces it any old way he feels like it. And he thinks the rest of us should do the same.

Krikorian argued that the proper pronunciation, preferred by the judge and her family, is “unnatural in English,” and “something we shouldn’t be giving in to.” It wasn’t clear which group of people constituted “we.”

Krikorian added that “newcomers” should “adapt” to how “countrymen say your name.” To do otherwise would be a failure of “multiculturalism.” He knows how to pronounce the Supreme Court nominee’s name, but he doesn’t like it, and would like others to join him in pronouncing it incorrectly.

After catching some well-deserved flack about these comments, Krikorian further embarrassed himself with this:

While in the past there may well have been too much social pressure for what sociologists call Anglo-conformity, now there isn’t enough. I think that’s a concern that most Americans share at some level, which is the root of the angst over excessive immigration, bilingual education, official English, etc.

If anyone deserves a limerick, it’s Mark Krikorian:

Ode To Mark Krikorian
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Pronouncing some names can be tough.
When they’re foreign they’re weird and they’re rough.
Yes, Krikorian’s right.
Krik, they’re really a blight.
So one syllable’s surely enough.

Hark! The Disgraced Former Speaker Speaks.

May 27th, 2009

It’s simple enough to avoid Judge Sonia Sotomayor smear-tweets like these:

White man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw. Latina woman racist should also withdraw.

Imagine a judicial nominee said “my experience as a white man makes me better than a latina woman” new racism is no better than old racism.

Just be sure not to follow Newt Gingrich’s Twitter feed.

If only it were as easy to dodge Newt on TV, in print, and on the Net.

And that brings me to my latest song parody, which you can sing to Hark! The Herald Angels Sing:

Hark! The Disgraced Former Speaker Speaks.
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Hark! The former Speaker speaks.
Headlines, Speaker Gingrich seeks.
News cos eagerly come through.
They don’t care his claims ain’t true.

Gleefully he airs his lies,
Spreading venom, media buys.
Watch the ousted Newt proclaim,
Sonia is just a racist dame.

Darkly, Gingrich spews his views.
Can’t avoid him on the news.

Ben Nelson, DINO … Or Dinosaur?

May 26th, 2009

If you didn’t know Sen. Ben Nelson’s a Democrat, you’d swear he’s a conservative Republican. And that’s why the fantasy of a Frankenized, filibuster-proof Senate is ludicrous.

Ben Nelson, DINO … Or Dinosaur?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

From Nebraska comes Senator Ben,
A Dem with an anti-Dem yen —
Makes Connecticut Joe
Seem a liberal bro,
And Arlen, a prince among men.

Ode To The Deceitful Cheneys

May 25th, 2009

The omni-presence of Dick and Liz Cheney on (as Rachel Maddow loves to call it) “the TV machine” is nearly enough to get me to toss out my televisions. Of course, to have even a shot at avoiding their tortured lies, I’d have to cancel my Net connection, throw out my radios, and avert my eyes in the unlikely event that I encounter a newspaper.

Ode To The Deceitful Cheneys (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There once was a daughter named Liz
Who joined in the family biz.
The business was lying,
With all members vying
For liar-in-chief — each a wiz.

Ode To Tropical Breeze Colonoscopies (Updated)

May 20th, 2009

It wasn’t bad enough that Sen. Jeff Sessions cited “tropical breezes” in extolling the glories of Gitmo. Now we have Sen. Jim Inhofe bragging about Gitmo’s health care — colonoscopies for inmates over fifty-five. Whoopee!

If I were British, I’d probably write this song parody:

Gitmo Prison, here I come.
Need a doc to check my bum.

But instead, I’ll have to settle for a limerick:

Ode To Tropical Breeze Colonoscopies
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m moving to Gitmo real soon
Cuz I’m told inmate health care’s a boon.
Colonoscopies free
After fifty-five. Whee!
So please lock me up, Sen. Buffoon!

Ode to Mike “The Poet” Huckabee

May 18th, 2009

I have some new competition in the political poetry arena. Apparently, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee fancies himself a poet and has written an anti-Pelosi screed in the form of a really bad poem called Fancy Nancy. Here’s a taste of Huckabee’s versification:

Here’s a story about a lady named Nancy
A ruthless politician, but dressed very fancy
Very ambitious, she got herself elected Speaker
But as for keeping secrets, she proved quite a “leaker.”

***

If forced to believe whether the CIA and her colleagues in Congress are lying;
Or it’s Speaker Pelosi whose credibility and career is dying.
I believe in the integrity of the men and women who sacrifice to keep us safe;
Not the woman who has been caught flat-footed, lying to our face.

***

Mike Huckabee deserves a limerick, don’t you think?

Ode to Mike “The Poet” Huckabee
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Huck, you’ve no rhythm or rhyme,
And your verse about Nancy’s a crime.
Your ditty ain’t witty.
Your talent is bitty.
Your poetry’s awful. Try mime.

The “We Did Nothing Wrong, & Nancy Should Have Stopped Us” Song

May 16th, 2009

Republicans are truly gifted at changing the subject, and the media falls for it every time. Take CIA torture, for instance. Is the media focusing on who in the Bush administration broke the law and ordered torture? Of course not! Instead, the topic’s morphed into whether Nancy Pelosi is lying when she says the CIA misled Congress about torture.

Following Republican logic is never an easy task. But from what I can gather, here’s the Republican position: Bush’s CIA did nothing wrong, & Pelosi could have and should have stopped them.

In honor of the Republicans tortured position on torture, I’ve written them a theme song to the tune of Stephen Foster’s Camptown Races:

The “We Did Nothing Wrong, & Nancy Should Have Stopped Us” Song
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The CIA did nothing wrong.
Doo-da, Doo-da.
Pelosi knew and went along.
Oh, de doo-da day.

Torture is always right.
Torture can make our day.
And Nancy’s nothing but a lying nag.
She could have got in the way.

Interrogation must be tough.
Doo-da, Doo-da.
Pelosi knew we got too rough.
Oh, de doo-da day.

Never did break no laws.
Torture? Who, us? No way!
Pelosi’s nothing but a lying hag.
Nancy would lead you astray.

The CIA protects us all.
Doo-da, Doo-da.
It’s time Pelosi took the fall.
Oh, de doo-da day.

Torture was never done.
Torture is lots of fun.
And Nancy’s nothing but a lying nag.
Nancy Pelosi should pay.

My Homage To Feigned Outrage

May 14th, 2009

Republicans (and Joe Lieberman) have been staging yet another temper tantrum. What’s their grievance du jour? Speaker Nancy Pelosi said CIA leaders misled Congress about interrogation techniques.

My Homage To Feigned Outrage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The CIA’s under attack
By the Speaker who gave it a smack.
She accused it of lying.
The GOP’s crying:
She’s mean and must take it all back.

Ode To The Wingnutty Pete Sessions

May 12th, 2009

It sounds like Texas Congressman Pete Sessions could use some … uh … sessions on somebody’s couch.

… Representative Pete Sessions of Texas, may indeed face an uphill fight with his argument that Mr. Obama is not trying to create jobs. In an interview, Mr. Sessions cited rising unemployment in asserting that the administration intended to “diminish employment and diminish stock prices” as part of a “divide and conquer” strategy to consolidate power.

Ode To The Wingnutty Pete Sessions
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Texas Republican Sessions
Likes to conjure up lib’ral transgressions:
Claims Barack to build power
Made stocks and jobs sour.
Pete needs help from the head-shrink professions.

The Dreaded E-Word

May 12th, 2009

President Obama recently used the e-word in connection with his yet-to-be-named U.S. Supreme Court nominee, and the Republicans were (or pretended to be) horrified. Senator Orrin Hatch claimed empathy was a “code word for an activist judge”, while the ever-entertaining Michael Steele said in his inimitable, classy fashion, “I’ll give you empathy. Empathize right on your behind!”

But while many Democrats were outraged by Republican reaction, I’m empathetic enough to appreciate where they’re coming from:

Empathy is such an ugly word:
Injudicious moral flaw.
Empathy is totally absurd
And violates the rule of law.

(With my apologies to Billy Joel)

(My previous (and full length) song parody to this song is here.)


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