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Kristol-izing Feminism

August 24th, 2008

So Bill Kristol’s a feminist.  Who knew? Yes, William Kristol, Republican con man, is oh so terribly concerned about the glass ceiling perpetuated by Barack Obama when he chose Joe Biden for his running mate, denying Hillary Clinton her shot at Veep.

I’m touched.  Aren’t you?

Kristol-izing Feminism (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bill Kristol is outraged that Hill
Ain’t the Democrats’ Veep pick. Dear Bill,
Your concern about gender
Would strike me as tender
If phonies did not make me ill.

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McCain Thought They Were Asking How Many Combs He Owns

August 22nd, 2008

McCain Thought They Were Asking How Many Combs He Owns
By Madeleine Begun Kane

McCain is confused. Stop the presses!
And if stumped by a query, he guesses.
He’s not up to the task
When this question they ask:
Just how many homes he possesses.

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Some Friendly Advice For Obama

August 20th, 2008

The longer this presidential campaign goes on, the more worried I become.  And oddly enough, it’s Barack Obama’s much touted communication skills that concern me the most.

Because as good as Obama is at speechifying, that’s how poor he is when he’s responding to questions.  It’s the difference between hearing the insightful results of his thought process … and being forced to watch him think.

And that leads me to my latest verse:

Some Friendly Advice For Obama
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Obama, your speeches are great,
Like a confident, smart Head of State.
But when questioned you freeze
And appear ill at ease.
Loosen up or you’ll lose — no debate!

And when queried you need to be clear.
Don’t meander and stutter,  you hear?
Cuz you come off evasive
And  quite unpersuasive,
While John McCain’s lies sound sincere.

I’ll admit I was never a fan,
And I’m sick of the phrase “Yes we can.”
But I’m begging you, hide
Your pontificate-side,
Else you’ll lose to a confidence man.

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McCain’s Bellicose Tune (Song Parody)

August 14th, 2008

I’m starting to lose track of how many wars John McCain wants us embroiled in.  He’s certainly singing a bellicose tune these days, and now you can join in with him to the melody of I’m Popeye The Sailor Man:

McCain’s Bellicose Tune (Sing to I’m Popeye The Sailor Man)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m tougher than nails, I am.
I stand up for Uncle Sam.
The other guy’s weak,
While I’m still at my peak,
Cuz I’m tougher than nails, I am!

I’m one tough contender
Which hates all pretenders
Wot never has grown a pair.
I stiffs ‘em and bluffs ‘em
And always out-roughs ‘em.
Obama won’t get nowhere!

That foolhardy boy’s incurred my wrath.
It’s “Wham” and it’s “Bam,” un’erstan’?
It’s risky behavior
To challenge this Savior.
McCain is the White House Man!

I carry a giant stick.
I’m fast with a verbal kick.
Don’t vote for that lad
Or I’ll really get mad.
Beware of my giant stick!

Obama is just a wuss,
A sweet-talking fraidy-puss.
He looks kind of foreign,
Perhaps Ecuador’an.
Don’t vote for that callow wuss!

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My “Dear John” Edwards Letter

August 9th, 2008

My “Dear John” Edwards Letter (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear John, to your run I said, “Yay!”
And I thought you’d go far, come what may.
Then you cheat on your spouse
And deny it, you louse!
But will Coulter stop calling you gay?

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Bob Newhart Names “Mad” Kane Winner of 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor

July 31st, 2008

Back in June I was thrilled to announce that I was a 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor Competition finalist. (The humor column that got me onto the finalists list is Guide For The Opera Impaired.

Well, I’m now beyond thrilled because Bob Newhart, the finalists judge, picked me as the FIRST PRIZE winner.

Mr. Newhart even sent me a handwritten personal note (reproduced below) explaining why he named me for the top Robert Benchley Society humor award.

Right now I’m verging on euphoria —a dangerous condition for a satirist.  But just to be mentioned in the same sentence as Mr. Benchley and Mr. Newhart is almost beyond comprehension.

Here’s Mr. Newhart’s note. (Needless to say, I plan to frame the original.)

Bob Newhart Letter

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Media Sheep

July 30th, 2008

I’ll be making a big announcement very soon — probably on Friday.  But in the meantime, here’s my Media Sheep, inspired in part by this Carpetbagger Report post: In context, Obama’s humble; but out of context…

Of course, we’ve reached a point at which reality no longer matters. A reporter found an anonymous source who took Obama’s comments out of context, changed the meaning entirely, and all of a sudden, we’re off to the races. As Vincent Rossmeier noted, “Of course, the simple fact that the quote isn’t accurate isn’t going to stop some on the right — and in the media — from using it as fuel for the emerging narrative about Obama.”

Media Sheep
By Madeleine Begun Kane

McCain’s a straight talker.
Ignore all his lying.
Obama is pompous.
He’s humble?  Not buying!

That’s the agreed-upon narrative.  See?
Facts don’t support it?
So scrap them with glee.

McCain contradicts
All his stated positions.
Just brush this aside.
He’s above all suspicions.

Minor adjustments in views from Barack?
Paint them as flip-flops
And go with the flock.
 
(For extra points, tell me what song parody this could be turned into with a bit of tinkering.)

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A Humorist’s Lament (Covering The New Yorker Cover Brouhaha In Verse) - Updated

July 15th, 2008

By now, everyone’s surely seen Barry Blitt’s New Yorker cover, depicting Barack Obama as a flag-burning, bin Laden-loving, fist-bumping Muslim.  Intended to satirize “The Politics of Fear,” the image is being widely criticized as reinforcing the very stereotypes it seeks to mock.

Cartoonist Tom Tomorrow has a very interesting take on the topic here and here, as does cartoonist Ruben Bolling here, and Don Davis here, here, here, and here.  The New York Times queries some late night talk show hosts here and Mark Karlin of Buzzflash speaks out here.

Here’s my view in verse:

A Humorist’s Lament
Madeleine Begun Kane

A humorist like me sure knows
How tough it is to write, compose,
And sketch satiric toons and prose
And poems.  It’s not without its woes.

For instance, Barry Blitt’s lampoon,
New Yorker’s well-intentioned toon,
Is meant to show as crass buffoon
The lie and bias-spreading goon.

The humor quand’ry, if you please:
This toon could fit with equal ease
In any right-wing, racist sleaze
And readily its readers please.

That’s why it draws this fit of pique
For spreading what it would critique,
Confirming to the knowledge-weak:
Barack Obama — Terr’ist Sheik!

Update: Some more funny people have chimed in on this topic: skippy; David Horsey; Jon Swift; and Talk About Comics.

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Ode To Judge Ronald Leighton

July 14th, 2008

U.S. District Judge Ronald Leighton (Tacoma, Washington) made a big splash recently when he lambasted a legal filing with a limerick. What prompted him to wax poetic?   A 465-page complaint in a racketeering lawsuit failed to comply with a federal rule (FRCP 8(a)) requiring legal complaints to be “a short and plain statement of the claim showing that the pleader is entitled to relief.” 

Judge Leighton dismissed the complaint and directed attorney Dean Browning Webb to refile it, in an order that included this limerick.

Plaintiff has a great deal to say,
But it seems he skipped Rule 8(a).
His Complaint is too long,
Which renders it wrong,
Please rewrite and refile today.

Although Judge Leighton’s limerick meter is a bit spotty in the first two lines, I think His Honor’s poetic effort deserves a poem in … uh … his honor:

Ode To Judge Ronald Leighton
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Attorneys are often verbose,
Penning legal complaints grandiose,
Writing hundreds pages
And setting off rages
From those who find wordiness gross.

But Judge Leighton showed major restraint
When he ruled on an endless complaint.
In a limerick poem
He said, redo this tome
Cuz in 8(a) compliance it ain’t!

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Wham! Bam! No Thank You, Phil Gramm!

July 10th, 2008

John McCain and his economic advisor Phil Gramm should really get their stories straight:

John McCain’s campaign says in their new ad that the economy is “in shambles.” …

In an interview with the Washington Times, Gramm says the economy is in relatively decent shape — and much more.

“You’ve heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession,” he said.

Moreover, Gramm said: “We have sort of become a nation of whiners. …”

Naturally, Gramm blames our “mental recession” on the media.  And that brings me to my latest political verse:

Wham! Bam!  No Thank You, Phil Gramm!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We’re “a nation of whiners,” says Gramm.
Our economy’s not in a jam.
It’s a “mental recession,”
This public obsession
With price hikes and jobs on the lam.

So who is at fault? It’s the press.
Yes, says Gramm, they have brought on this mess.
It would seem that reporting
The news isn’t sporting.
Vote McCain for continued “success.”

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Dear Obama

July 8th, 2008

So Obama denies that he’s moving rightward towards the middle. Sorry, but I just don’t buy it. 

Unlike Obama’s ardent primary campaign supporters, I never thought he was especially liberal.  But Obama’s  positions on FISA, abortion rights, gun control, faith-based initiatives, and the death penalty are even worse than I suspected. (So far, he’s pretty much where I thought he’d be re ending the war in Iraq — way too slow.)

And now it’s time for a limerick:

Dear Obama
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Obama, your flight to the right
Is making me feel quite uptight.
It’s alarming how fast
You’re forsaking the past
And converting to GOP-lite.

(Don Davis weighs in on being “stuck in the middle with Obama.”)

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Some Friendly Advice For McCain’s Veep Vetting Team

June 26th, 2008

I was shocked to learn that John McCain is computer illiterate. Well, I have just the ticket:

Some Friendly Advice For McCain’s Veep Vetting Team
By Madeleine Begun Kane

McCain doesn’t use a PC
Or a Mac, so he needs a VP
Who can act as his tutor
In using a ‘puter
And help with the phone and TV.

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I’m a 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor Finalist.

June 24th, 2008

Cool news! I’m a 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor Competition finalist. (The humor column that got me onto the finalists list is Guide For The Opera Impaired.)

“We had a delightful time selecting our top ten finalists this year,” said Robert Benchley Society chairperson David Trumbull. “It is a true honor to turn the job of selecting the top four essays over to Bob Newhart.”

“All of the entries are read blind. No one knows who wrote which essay until the judging is finished. This keeps the competition entirely merit based,” said Horace J. Digby, a past Benchley Society Award winner…

Newhart’s selection and ranking of the top four winners for this year’s Robert Benchley Society Awards will be announced the week of July 6th.

The Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor is an international writing competition dedicated to the warm, self-effacing comic writing style that made Benchley so beloved during his lifetime. …

I thought I’d celebrate with a limerick:

I can barely maintain my sobriety
Cuz the great Robert Benchley Society
Held a contest and wow,
I’m a finalist now.
Will I win the top prize? High anxiety!

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So, Is This Ageist Too? (Limerick & Commentary)

June 18th, 2008

I hope I’m wrong.  But I’m concerned that cowed (and confused) Dems may be backing off valid John McCain criticism out of fear of being called ageist.

As some Republicans see it, Democrats are deliberately talking in code about the presumptive 71-year-old GOP nominee as part of an attempt to highlight his age.

Obama aides deny any strategy to highlight age, and Obama, 46, himself told reporters last month that age should not be a factor. Indeed, he used to compliment McCain’s “half-century of service” to the country as a Vietnam War veteran and a member of Congress, but after McCain campaign manager Rick Davis argued that it was a sly way to inject age into the debate, Obama dropped the reference in February.  

But when Obama foreign policy adviser Susan Rice and Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) each described McCain as “confused” last week, Republicans became convinced that Democrats intend to run a crypto-ageist strategy, using words that create a subtle impression in voters’ minds.  

But the dynamic of Obama’s running against a candidate who’s a quarter of a century older is nonetheless creating an environment where some Democrats see the need to self-censor, proving that the McCain offensive is already working.

“I was going to say, ‘He lost his grip,’” said Democratic consultant Jonathan Prince, recalling a recent appearance on CNN’s “Situation Room.” “Those are normal words you use when you are involved in campaigns. You say, ‘They are nuts, they are off their rocker, they lost it.’ They have become very adept at grabbing every opportunity they can to turn it into a personal slur.”

The problem with John McCain isn’t his age per se.   McCain’s problem is he lacks the wisdom and maturity that ought to come with age.

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

So, Is This Ageist Too?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
 
Wah, wah, wah! Don’t critique John McCain.
If you do so you’re ageist — Insane!
I think that just maybe
McCain’s a big baby,
Too puerile to win this campaign.

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Is Olbermann Turning Into O’Reilly?

June 14th, 2008

Is it just me?  Or is Keith Olbermann turning into Bill O’Reilly?

The bombastic commentary.  The narcissism.  And, of course, the misogyny.

I’d thought that once Obama clinched the Democratic nomination, it would be safe to start watching Countdown again.  Without Keith’s daily anti-Hillary target practice, I might even be able to watch it without cringing.

Wrong!

Keith’s bloviating “Worst Person in the World” anti-Katie Couric tirade was almost enough to make me turn to Bill O’Reilly. Talk about desperate!

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Is Olbermann Turning Into O’Reilly? 
By Madeleine Begun Kane

In the past I cheered Olbermann’s rants—
Loved his anti-war, anti-Bush stance.
But misogynous bluster
Is all he can muster
In Olbermann’s mirror-romance.

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Ode To McCainiac Recession-Deniers

June 13th, 2008

I can barely type (Damn you, broken wrist!) but  feel compelled to mock McCainiac recession-deniers, like Kevin Hassett of the American Enterprise Institute. Apparently, reports of the soaring cost of daily necessities and other bad economic news are “politically motivated pessimism” meant to boost Obama’s candidacy.

Ode To McCainiac Recession-Deniers (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Behold the recession-denier!
As inflation and job loss surge higher,
He will stubbornly claim
Lib’ral press is to blame
For making us think things are dire.

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Election Perspective (Haiku)

June 10th, 2008

The primary’s done.
But the election’s far from
Secondary.

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No Posts? A Limerick Explains All

June 4th, 2008

This space has been quiet of late.
But it’s not that my readers don’t rate.
I’ve broken my wrist,
And my brain’s in a twist
From pain killers. Writing must wait.

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War, Inc. Interruptus

May 19th, 2008

In a parallel universe, Monday night’s New York Film Academy screening of John Cusack’s War, Inc. was great, as was the Rachel Maddow-moderated Q & A that followed the screening. Back on earth, however, the screening didn’t go quite so well.  In fact … it barely went at all.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  A few days ago, when my anti-war limericks won me a War, Inc. screening ticket, I thought, “How cool!”  And it probably would have been cool, had the attendees gotten to see (and hear) more than a few minutes of the film.

I knew there was trouble almost as soon as the movie started. Both the picture and the sound seemed to come from a copy so worn out, it should have been tossed a good decade before the movie was even conceived.

And that was the good part.

Several minutes into the showing we lost all the sound, during what looked to be a very key scene.  And no amount of shouting from the audience could arouse the projectionist from his apparent stupor.

As the movie kept soundlessly going, several of us left the screening room to look for the projectionist or someone else to yell at.  Did I mention that nobody seemed to be in charge?

Finally someone located the projectionist, who unapologetically claimed that he’d only left the room for two minutes. 

Liar, liar! Projector on fire!

The obnoxious fellow (presumably a film student) finally got the thing going again, but refused to rewind.  No matter, though, because almost immediately he lost the sound again, and again, and again.

At this point, an audience riot seemed inevitable.  Okay, maybe not a riot — we’re liberals, after all.  Still,  we’re talking two or three hundred seriously miffed people.

Since I wasn’t exactly missing anything,  I stepped out of the room for a moment to make a phone call.  And on my return I heard someone yell that the screening was over and everyone had to leave. 

Another attendee told me that during my brief absence the projectionist had claimed that an irate audience member had assaulted him.  Let’s just say that  Mr. “I Was Only Gone Two Minutes” isn’t exactly a credible witness. 

And so we all straggled out, angry, frustrated, and disappointed. And based on what little I saw of War, Inc. probably sadder about missing Rachel Maddow than about missing the actual movie.

Which reminds me, I wonder if anyone told Rachel and screen writers Mark Leyner and Jeremy Pikser to not bother showing up for the Q & A.

Like I said, nobody seemed to be in charge.

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Dear Supreme Sacrificer

May 16th, 2008

I can’t decide what’s more absurd – Bush’s delusional boast that giving up golf is some sort of Iraq War sacrifice … or the fact that he lied about it.

In any event, George “Golf-Deprived” Bush deserves another limerick don’t you think? 

Dear Supreme Sacrificer
By Madeleine Begun Kane

So you gave up your golf — I don’t care.
It is hardly the cure for despair.
You’ve inflicted much pain
For no positive gain,
And your reign is an unanswered prayer.

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