Mad Kane’s Political Madness

The Philly Inq’s Dick Polman really nails it in his must-read post about John McCain’s  “artful dance with North Carolina Republican leaders, who have fashioned a low-road, anti-Obama advertisement that is slated to air on statewide TV next Monday.”

Commenting on McCain’s political skills and pseudo-piety, he says:

When it comes time to dish the dirt, he keeps his hands clean as he tut-tuts about the incivility of our politics. He looks good doing it – the Washington press generally loves it when he’s in pious mode on the high road – and, meanwhile, he gets to reap the rewards of the dirt being dished. Why pilot your own Swift Boat when it’s so much more attractive to condemn those who do it for you?

And that’s my cue for my Pious John McCain limerick:

Ode To Pious John McCain
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Watch the press fall for pious McCain,
As he calls for a lofty campaign.
They’re so easily spun,
As his dirty work’s done
With an ad he pretends to disdain.

Technorati Tags: John McCain Humor, Presidential Campaign Ads, Election Limerick, Media Humor

What did we learn from last night’s debate?  That (unlike Hillary Clinton) Barack Obama falls apart when he finally encounters a hostile press. 

As the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Dick Polman observes, Obama was “shaken, rattled and rolled” at the ABC debate.  So, is this the kind of candidate you want opposing John “Media Pal” McCain in the general election? 

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Dear Barack Obama: Last Night Is What Happens When You Drink Your Own Kool-Aid
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The man with the tongue made of gold
Under pressure last night seemed to fold.
His supporters excuse him—
Claim press guys abuse him.
Words matter. Barack’s? Oversold!

Technorati Tags: ABC Pennsylvania Presidential Debate, Senator Obama, Election Humor, Campaign Satire, Senator Clinton, Hostile Press, Senator McCain

They were warned, but they refused to listen. And now they’re paying the price.

I’m referring, of course, to the Pro-Obama bloggers who delight in anti-Dem media bias, so long as it’s directed at Hillary Clinton.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the election: Now that the press is giving Obama a hard time over his condescending bitter-small-town-America faux pas, these press bias-enablers are suddenly horrified by media bias. Why? Because it’s their candidate whose ox is being Gored. 

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Hey Obama Sycophants, Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“The press is unfair to Barack,”
Whines the Cult of Obama with shock.
Loaded questions, contortions
Of words, and distortions
Now wrong, cuz it’s their guy they mock.

Technorati Tags: Media Bias, Press Bias, Media Humor, Senator Obama, Senator Clinton, Presidential Election Campaign Satire

Hey, cable honchos. Before lambasting Hillary for “failing to fact check,” you might consider dabbling in some fact checking yourselves.

I’m referring, of course, to the media’s dead hospital patient mock-fest and, more broadly, to the “Gore-ing” of Hillary Clinton.

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Biased Journalists And Bloggers, Heal Thyselves
By Madeleine Begun Kane

In cov’rage quite sloppy at best,
The press attacked Hill’ry with zest,
Disputing her facts.
But ’twas they who were lax.
Cuz if Clinton says east they say west.

Technorati Tags: Biased Bloggers, Sloppy Journalists, Senator Clinton, Press Fact Checking, Presidential Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Health Humor, Media Limerick

Wow!  Even Don “McCain Worshipper” Imus can’t stand it any more. I just heard Imus tell Craig Crawford:

If he says “my friends” one more time, I’m gonna kill myself.

I think it’s time for a haiku:

A candidate
Who can’t stop saying “my friends,”
Doesn’t have any.

Technorati Tags: Senator McCain, Don Imus, Craig Crawford, Media Humor, Campaign Satire,  Election Humor, My Friends, Presidential Election Humor

As you surely know by now, Air America host Randi Rhodes has been suspended for calling both Geraldine Ferraro and Hillary Clinton “whores” and describing Hillary with more f-words than I could manage to count in this clip of her performance.  Just one question: This was supposed to be comedy?

Ode To Randi “Queen of Obscene” Rhodes
By Madeleine Begun Kane

That performance by Randi ain’t pretty.
Calling Hill’ry a whore’s hardly witty.
Hurling f-bombs galore
About Hill.  What a bore!
She’s suspended? This blog has no pity.

Technorati Tags: Randi Rhodes, Air America Radio, Randi’s F-words, Senator Clinton, Geraldine Ferraro, Rhodes Suspension, Tasteless Humor, Media Humor, Presidential Campaign Verse

The left blogosphere has been packed with stories about John “Foreign Policy Maven”  McCain’s serial gaffes, in which he confused Islam’s Sunni and Shiite sects while trying to prove Iran supports al-Qaeda in Iraq. His gaffes were so bad, even über-loyalist Joe Lieberman was forced to correct him.

So, can we expect major media columnists and talking heads to question McCain’s foreign policy prowess?  A small handful of fair-minded, insightful columnists like the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Dick Polman can be counted on at moments like this.   But in the main, I wouldn’t hold your breath.

And that brings me to my latest limerick: 

Ode To “Foreign Policy Maven” McCain
By Madeleine Begun Kane

John McCain’s expertise ain’t legit:
Sunni? Shiite? He doesn’t know shit.
So the man should be toast.
But the press let’s him coast
Cuz he’s great in a barbecue pit.

(For more humor on this topic, check out Joe Lieberman Has To Remind McCain He’s Not In Vietnam, by Don Davis.)

Technorati Tags: Senator John McCain, Foreign Policy Expertise, Sunni, Shiite, Islam, McCain Barbecue, McCain Gaffes, al-Qaeda, Iran, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Media Humor

Predictably, the A-list lefty blog-calls for Hillary to get out of the presidential race have continued, notwithstanding last night’s Hillary Clinton wins. Any minute now, I half-expect to read that Hillary’s refusal to bow out is racist.

Of course, these hand-the-nomination-to-its-rightful-owner rants come from the same bloggers who insist that Obama isn’t sexist and that the media hasn’t been biased against Clinton. (Americablog is but one example and no, I will not link to it.)

Apparently, these bloggers can’t wait for the media to turn its biased dirty tricks on Obama.  Because that’s exactly what will happen if/when Clinton is out of the picture:

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

The press guys can’t wait to declare
That Clinton’s kaput on the air.
Then they’ll turn on Barack:
They’ll malign and they’ll mock
Him, the way they hit Hill’ry. Beware!

Technorati Tags: Presidential Politics, Lefty Bloggers, Press Bias, Media Sexism, Racist Accusations, Senator Clinton, Senator Obama, Media Humor

I can’t decide what’s more annoying — when pundits are wrong, or when they insist on finding meaning in the meaningless, deep significance in utter nonsense. Digby provides a fine example of the latter:

Matthews, Olbermann, Norah O’Donnell and David Gregory are sitting around interpreting the Michigan Democratic vote and examining the exit polls to determine meaningful trends about the upcoming primaries.

Michigan means nothing, good or bad, for Democrats. … [CLINTON] WAS THE ONLY ONE OF THE TOP THREE ON THE FRIGGING BALLOT! …

… The primary doesn’t count. …

But they’re out there spewing crap anyway, trying to impact the race, making predictions, being fortune tellers as usual …

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Hey Pundits, Stifle Yourselves!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The pundits opine and expound:
On sheer nonsense they chew and they pound,
Finding meaning in stuff
That means nothing. Enough!
Watch them frown as they wax so profound.

Technorati Tags: Pundit Humor, Election, Humor, Media Limerick,  Campaign Satire, Vacuous Punditry, Michigan Primary, Democratic Primary, Presidential Campaign Poem

“Hillary cried,”
The media lied.
Who’s crying now?

Technorati Tags: Hillary Clinton Verse, Hillary Poetry, Media Humor, Campaign Satire, Election Humor

Dear Editor: Enough With the Polls, Already!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My int’rest in polling is waning:
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s gaining.
Tell me where these guys stand—
Who’s a liar? What’s canned?
Give me substance — not horse race-campaigning.

Update: Don Davis has a fun take on the same topic. And the witty and oh so modest Jon Swift has posted the best blog posts of 2007 as chosen by the bloggers themselves.

Technorati Tags: Presidential Campaigns, Election Humor, Polls Humor, Horse Race Politics, Media Humor

AP calls Mitt’s lies
A “candor gap,” bypassing
Candor lacuna. 

Technorati Tags: Mitt Romney Satire, Candor Gap, Media Dishonesty

Did you see Rudy Giuliani giggle his way through that Tim Russert interview?  It was a lot like Hillary Clinton’s cackle-fest, only an octave higher. And the two candidates have something else in common — they’re both slipping in the polls.  But don’t worry — they can always get work as a laugh track.

*****

Did you hear any of Oprah’s Obama speeches?  That woman’s one hell of an actress!  She actually had me believing she’s black.

*****

Note: I’ve been emboldened to attempt political joke writing, after having my first joke published in the Charlotte Observer, (reprinted from Daniel Kurtzman’s political joke collection in About.com.)

Speaking of Dan Kurtzman, I’ve been meaning to mention his very funny book again: How To Win A Fight With A Conservative would make a wonderful holiday gift!  And be sure to buy a copy for yourself too.

Can’t wait for Dan’s wonderful humor to arrive in the mail? His Conservative Insult Generator should tide you over till you get your hands on his book.

And while I’m recommending funny political gifts, I also love my 2008 George W. Bush Out Of Office Countdown Wall Calendar.

Technorati Tags: Giuliani Joke, Hillary Clinton Joke, Hillary’s Laugh, Rudy’s Giggle, Tim Russert, NBC, Meet The Press, Political Gifts, Dan Kurtzman, Bush Calendar, Political Jokes, Oprah Humor, Obama Humor

I’ve noticed that many reporters and talking heads are almost giddy over Hillary Clinton’s recent stumbles and the rumored return of Barack Obama’s mojo. The obvious reason is that the longer it takes Hillary (or someone else) to lock up the Democratic Presidential nomination, the less boring it is for those who are covering the race.  But I think there’s something else at play here.  And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Why Are These Journalists Smiling?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Clinton’s stumbled,” they breathlessly say.
Yes, she’s made many journalists’ day.
It’s a horse race again,
So these women and men
Can avoid talking issues — hurray!

Technorati Tags: Journalists Humor, Reporters Satire, Media Humor, Hillary Clinton Stumbles, Senator Barack Obama, Presidential Race, Campaigns, Elections

The always insightful and informative Dick Polman (who also writes for the Philadelphia Inquirer) deconstructs the history of a too-good-to-be-true Ronald Reagan “quote” about George W. Bush.  And he concludes with a wonderful old, but new-to-me, journalistic saying:

If your own mother says she loves you, check it out.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if more journalists heeded that excellent advice? 

Speaking of Ronald Reagan, is he still a saint?

Technorati Tags: Journalism Quote, Ronald Reagan, GWB

The defendants in Valerie Plame Wilson’s lawsuit against the CIA for censoring her book, Fair Game, had better hope she never gets to trial.  I say that because I’ve heard her interviewed several times, and that woman will make one hell of a witness.

Moreover, asserting national security, in order to censor material that’s already in the public domain, sure sounds like revenge censorship to me.

And that brings me to my latest haiku:

Plame’s book censored by
Bush blackguards, who black out truths
Already revealed.

(You can find my Traitorgate song parody about Valerie Plame’s outing here.)

Technorati Tags: Valerie Plame Wilson, Outing CIA Agent, Fair Game, Plame Censorship, Plame Lawsuit

We can now add anti-Semitism to the list of Ann Coulter’s charming qualities.

Ode To Ann (ti-Semite) Coulter
By Madeleine Begun Kane

In Ann’s perfect world
There would be no Jews—
Just “perfected Christians.”
Is it malice or booze?

In Mad’s perfect world
There would be no views
Of Ann Coulter’s ravings
On the TV news.

(Note: I know I promised I’d never utter Ann Coulter’s name again, but I couldn’t help myself.)

Technorati Tags: Ann Coulter, Anti-Semitism, TV News, Perfected Christians, Media Humor

I had to laugh when I heard about Brit Hume’s exclusive Fox interview with General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker “about the state of the Iraq war and their testimony to Congress.” What’s the matter — wasn’t Hannity available?

Petraeus and Crocker Face Hume Humiliation (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Gen. Petraeus and Crocker on Fox
(Not exactly the school of hard knocks)
Where they weave and they spin
And avow “We must win,”
While Brit Hume bows and kisses their socks.

And now a quick haiku about the purported Iraq violence reduction:

Reducing violence
In Iraq is quite easy:
Redefine violence.

(You can find more of my Petraeus humor here and my previous Brit Hume humor here.)

=========

And now some links, for your reading (and viewing) pleasure:
* ‘Old Navy” Stores Looted, After Hiring Rumsfeld as CEO
* About.com’s Political Humor on Bush’s Gaffes
* Hit it: morrrrrre…than the greatest polls the worrrrrld has known…
* Digby’s Overplaying Their Hand
* Exclusive! — The Patraeus testimony In advance! (Dick Polman)
* Larry Johnson on Dave Petraeus and Iraq Kabuki
* The Very Polite Matt Bai On Giuliani
* Blog Carnival of Observations On Life
* Sunday Funnies
* Carnival of Principled Government

Technorati Tags: General David Petraeus, Ambassador Ryan Crocker, Brit Hume Humor, Fox News Satire, Hannity, Iraq War, Iraq Surge, Iraq War Violence, Petraeus Congressional Testimony

Every so often, I’ll get an out-of-the-blue email from some on-deadline journalist in search of a timely, amusing quote. And though I’m not exactly a one-liner kind of gal, I always give it a try.

And so late Thursday afternoon, while I was working on a still-to-come post and poll about General Petraeus’s upcoming surge report (and ignoring the rest of the news), I got an email from Robert Marchant, a reporter with The Journal News in Westchester County, New York. (In case you’ve never heard of it, it’s the Gannett daily that services the Clintons’ hometown — Chappaqua, New York.)

Marchant wrote:

I enjoy your blog. I’m a reporter with the Journal News in Westchester County, and I’m writing an article about efforts to sell “tickets” to the Brooke Astor funeral on the Internet. Thought you might have an observation about this, humorous or otherwise. Please drop a line if you have a chance.

His was an interesting query — not to mention a nice publicity opportunity. All I had to do was write something really funny and really fast about a story I’d never heard of. I mean, I knew that the great philanthropist Brooke Astor had just died and would presumably have some sort of celebrity-filled funeral. But the funeral ticket sales item had eluded me. (That’s what I get for mocking the GOP 24/7.) 

Now I didn’t think Marchant would be too impressed if I wrote back, “Huh? What ticket sales?” So instead, I turned to my trusty Google. And as always, it came through for me, leading me to this New York Daily News story:

Somebody is trying to cash in on Brooke Astor’s funeral. 

With an A-list crowd of New York bluebloods, politicians and celebrities expected to attend the beloved socialite’s farewell tomorrow, an ad selling two tickets in the “16th pew from the front” for $500 appeared on the Craigslist Web site yesterday.

But Astor’s daughter-in-law, Charlene Marshall, said the tickets were fake.

She called it “absolutely ghastly” that somebody was trying to profit from Astor’s death and noted the service is open to the public.  …

Cool!  Now I had some vague idea what I was supposed to be making fun of.  I played around with limericks for a bit, but nothing took shape.  Then I tried my hand at haiku and wrote one that was okay, but not especially funny:

Craigslist ticket ad
For Brooke Astor’s funeral:
Masterful satire.

No, that just wouldn’t do.  I needed to write a Jon Stewart-worthy one-liner … or at least something that might make Marchant (and his editor) giggle just a bit. 

The minutes ticked away as I thought about those tickets.  And then it finally came to me:

Just $500 bucks for two Brooke Astor funeral ticks? Now that’s what I’d call A Modest Proposal. 

I sent it off, Marchant liked it, and now its fate is in his editor’s hands.  If it appears in his article, I’ll post an update.  But in the meantime, here’s a limerick I wrote after Marchant’s deadline had passed:

Ode To Brooke Astor
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

A generous lady named Astor,
Whose kindness will surely outlast her,
Is mourned far and wide
Since she recently died,
And nobody’s ever outclassed her.

UPDATE: Marchant’s article is up and it quotes both my one-liner and a couple of words from my haiku. Here’s the article: Ticket sales for Astor funeral branded a hoax. Also, if you’d like to read (or re-read) Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, here it is.

Technorati Tags: Brooke Astor, Astor Funeral, Funeral Tickets, Robert Marchant, Gannett Daily, News Journal Westchester, Craigslist Ad, A Modest Proposal, Jonathan Swift

Please forgive me for not being all that impressed with the Republican Gang of Eleven, who supposedly hammered  George Bush about Iraq and had  the “most unvarnished conversation they’ve ever had with the president.”  And Tim Russert’s breathless reports about this so-called  “defining pivotal moment” in the Iraq debate (and his media echo chamber) merely enable these eleven endangered Republicans to dupe their constituents into believing that they’re finally doing something about the war in Iraq. 

All eleven voted with the President on the Iraq war spending bill and the redeployment bill that came before Congress this week. So woopdidoo!  And a limerick too:

Ode To the Lame GOP Gang Of Eleven
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Eleven Republicans bray:
“We told Dubya what’s what — had our say.
We critiqued Bush’s war
And we gave him what-for.”
Then they all vote the President’s way. 

Technorati Tags: Iraq War, President Bush, Republicans Humor, Media Echo Chamber, Unvarnished Conversation, Defining Pivotal Moment, Gang Of Eleven, GOP, Tim Russert