What Can They Be Thinking? (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Gilmore’s entered the race. What a snore!
(Does the GOP really need MORE?)
Sixteen guys and one gal–
Most with no rationale
For believing they’ll get to the fore.
Just what keeps them all willing to stump,
As their poll numbers tumble and slump?
While they stand at the brink,
I suppose most pols think:
“I must surely be better than Trump!”
Conservatives Race To Alter Race-Crime Reality
By Madeleine Begun Kane
When a racist whose head’s out of whack
Kills nine churchgoers just cuz they’re black,
Wingnuts lay it on thick
With a claim that’s just sick:
“Christian freedom is under attack.”
Right-wing culprits in this outrageous distortion of the Charleston church massacre include Rick Santorum, Jeb Bush, Lindsey Graham, and sundry Fox News hosts.
For a lawyer, Rick Santorum seems clueless about the U.S. Constitution.
Rick Santorum proclaims, “Yes we can,”
Force his bible on schools — that’s his plan.
Rick forgets the Supremes
8 to 1 banned such schemes…
Else the gov could impose the Koran.
Who else but Mitt Romney surrogate Rick Santorum, could beam with pride while saying: “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”
Mitt’s Strange Surrogate (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you’re smart, then you ain’t on our side,
Said Santorum with singular pride.
Dear Rick, does Mitt know
You exultingly glow
With support from dim folks nationwide?
Rick Santorum, having apparently read Pennsylvania’s tea leaves, exited the 2012 presidential race. Did Mitt Romney promise him something? Or is Santorum simply avoiding another home state debacle, so as to preserve his shot at Election 2016? I vote for the latter.
Santorum Saves Himself For 2016 (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rick Santorum’s bowed out of the race.
It appears that the man could not face
The risk that he’d lose
His home state. Best refuse
To continue, avoiding disgrace.
Rick Santorum’s campaign is stunningly inept in its failure to qualify for sundry ballots.
Yes, I know that Santorum’s campaign is woefully under-funded. And that he never expected to get this far. But at some point, I can’t help wondering whether Santorum is using the faith-based method of ballot qualification.
Of course all this begs the question: Why the heck can’t Mitt Romney finish him off?
Limerick Ode To An Endless Republican Primary
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rick Santorum’s campaign is inept,
Under-funded, abysmally prepped.
Yet the contest is split:
Hairline wins made by Mitt
Where the Gov should have easily swept.
Did you know that higher education is snobbish and elitist? And that it causes liberal indoctrination? That’s the message we’ve been getting lately from Republicans like Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. They each have a trio of college degrees … but hey, who’s counting? In fact, why even bother learning to count?
Yes, indeed, there’s a Republican war on college education:
First came Mitt Romney’s dismissive remarks about President Obama’s “faculty lounge” pals. Now Rick Santorum is calling Obama snobby for urging people to go to college – and defending that view in a series of TV appearances.
Education — Schmeducation (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Don’t bother your miniscule head
With college — don’t need higher ed.”
That’s the Rick and Mitt screed,
Though they’re multi-degreed.
Informed-voters — yes, that’s what they dread.
When I see a title like this, I pretty much have to write a limerick: Santorum Good for Chastity-Belt Sales? Manufacturer Says, “We’ve Had a Boost”
The Chastity Chase (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s good news for Republican men:
You can guard against gals with a yen
For sex you deem evil
With something primeval:
Yes chastity belts — Curb your hen!
In case all those ads haven’t clued you in, Presidents Day is nearly here. To celebrate, I’ve written a pair of clerihews for would-be presidents Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. What’s a clerihew? A whimsically biographical four-line poem, more fully described here.
Willard Mitt Romney
Has wealth that’s omni.
But he’s stiff as a yoke.
Kindly give that man a toke.
*****
Ricky Santorum
Loves his forum.
Being prez is his quest
In a knit sweater vest.
(My set of eight Eight 4-Liners For The Initial Republican Contenders is here.)
After yesterday’s post, I’d hoped to be done with birth control commentary for a while. But then I saw this headline: Santorum Sugar Daddy Foster Friess Gives ‘Gals’ Contraception Advice: Put An Aspirin Between Your Knees. And that story lives up to its headline:
Appearing on MSNBC with Andrea Mitchell today, Foster Friess, the main donor to the Super PAC backing Rick Santorum’s presidential bid, dismissed the controversy surrounding President Obama’s new birth control rule by suggesting that women should just keep their legs shut…
FRIESS: “On this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so inexpensive. You know, back in my days, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”
More Contraceptive Madness (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rick Santorum and Friess — quite the pair
In their “stop contraceptive care” guerre:
Don’t want kids with your squeeze?
Put a pill ‘tween your knees,
Like Bay’r asp’rin, sez Rick’s billionaire.
What century is this? The aggressive anti-contraception GOP stance makes me wonder whether I bought the wrong calendar.
Rick Santorum, a man who’s dangerously close to snatching the Republican presidential nomination away from Mitt Romney, apparently wants to preside over an antediluvian America: Here’s Santorum explaining why he wants to fight “the dangers of contraception:”
It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.
And Rick is far from the only bedroom-obsessed Republican. GOP over-reach regarding contraception is approaching epic proportions:
Last week, Freshman Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) filed legislation to allow any employer, religiously affiliated or not, to refuse to cover any essential or preventive health service, not just contraceptives, based on the “religious belief or moral conviction” of the employer. Word from DC is that Blunt and allies will attempt to add the provision as an amendment to other legislation now moving through the Senate….
The fact that American voters are overwhelmingly pro-birth control is apparently irrelevant to Republican politicians.
Perhaps a limerick might help Republican pols get the message:
Dear Bedroom-Invading Republicans (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Republican pols, please abstain
From ent’ring my bedroom domain.
And also stay out
Of my bathroom. Don’t pout!
If you’re truly “small gov,” you’ll refrain.
Before I get to today’s Rick Santorum limerick, here’s a post from my other blog about the Mary Todd Lincoln portrait hoax.
Getting back to Santorum, Rick (not to be outdone by Ron Paul’s newsletter disclaimers) is feigning ignorance over his very own book:
Only days after having to explain a comment about women and emotions in combat, Rick Santorum seemed to struggle a bit on Sunday to explain a remark in his 2005 book “It Takes a Family” that blamed “radical feminists” for undermining families and for trying to persuade women that they could find fulfillment only in the workplace.
Asked on the ABC News program “This Week” about the book’s contentions, Mr. Santorum noted that his wife, Karen, had written that section — though only his name is on the cover and he does not list her in the acknowledgments as among those “who assisted me in the writing of this book.” …
In the interview on Sunday, Mr. Santorum pleaded unfamiliarity with the citation, saying, “I don’t know – that’s a new quote for me”…
Limerick Ode To Rick “What Book?” Santorum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Rick, when you author a book
You have placed yourself square on the hook
For the contents inside.
You’re a coward to hide
From your screed. Either that, or a schnook.
Pity the poor political journalist (or political satirist), who must conjure up constant commentary about a race that’s effectively over.
So it’s no wonder that the media’s in a tizzy over the Rick Santorum Sweep … even though it yielded Rick zero delegates.
Rick Gives Them Something To Talk About (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The press was beginning to mope.
But Santorum’s three wins offer hope
That the race isn’t done,
Mitt may NOT be the one.
But does Rick stand a chance? Answer: Nope!
I can’t decide whether naming Santorum’s fund-raising appeal Conservatives United Moneybomb is stupid … or brilliant. Either way, it’s bringing in a scary amount of money.
Rick Santorum’s Acronym Antics (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Choosing acronyms tends to be tricky,
And it’s wise to be cautious and picky.
But Rick’s fundraising C.U.M.
Has raised a huge sum!
Rick Santorum, on Google, still icky!
Rick Santorum must think we’re stupid. He’s claiming that his racist reference to “black people” and welfare was really a reference to “blah people.”
Limerick Ode To Rick “Blah” Santorum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you’re black, Rick Santorum’s a fan.
That’s true, be you woman or man.
But to folks who are “blah”
Rick Santorum says “Nah!”
It’s the “blah” people Ricky will pan.
In case you were wondering, Rick Santorum still thinks states have the right to outlaw contraception. Why? Because it’s “a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”
Limerick Ode To Sex-Obsessed Santorum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Contraception’s immoral, says Rick,
Cuz it licenses sex with a chick
To whom you ain’t wed.
So ban it instead!
Vote Santorum: Stop sex that is sick.
A Trump-moderated Republican debate? Even Karl Rove says it’s a terrible idea.
Damn! Me — agreeing with Karl Rove. That’s seriously scary!
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney did the classy thing, for once, adding his name to the list of candidates who’ve declined the Trump Debate Invite. So far, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, and Romney have declined to participate, while Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have accepted.
Limerick Ode To The Immoderate Donald Trump
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Debate moderation’s an art,
And practitioners need to be smart,
Diplomatic, well versed—
In the topic immersed.
Donald Trump? Not just bad. Off the chart!
UPDATE: Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has come out against the Donald Trump debate, citing as his reason Trump’s ongoing flirtation with an independent run for president. Additionally Perry has now declined his debate invitation.
It’s time for some more political clerihews — whimsically biographical four-line poems, described more fully here.
I’ve written one for each of the would-be presidents who appeared at last night’s Republican debate:
Mass. Governor Mitt,
A job cutting hit.
He flips and he flops,
As positions he swaps.
*****
Herman “9-9-9” Cain:
(Romney hopes he’ll wane)
Though many think he rocks,
He belongs on Fox.
*****
James Richard Perry:
Is he bright? Not very.
A lousy debater—
Called Bernanke a traitor.
*****
Unhinged Michele
Is sinking pell-mell.
Even crazier than Palin—
Just what is she inhalin’?
*****
Former Speaker Newt,
A pompous beaut.
Purports to be intellectual,
At selling books effectual.
*****
Rick Santorum
Seems lost in this forum.
He’s none too calm
Over his Google Bomb.
*****
Libertarian Ron Paul
Is having a ball.
Doesn’t stand a chance.
But enjoys the dance.
*****
Jon Huntsman jokes
But can not coax
Any support for his reign.
He’s way too sane.
*****
Lightweights — No Debate!
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Republicans held a debate
To see which prez contender would rate.
Not a one was impressive,
And all are regressive—
Mad lightweights galore! What a slate!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
