Archive for the ‘Texas Humor’ Category

Limericks & Sundry Humor (July and August 2017)

Sunday, August 27th, 2017

I’ve gathered into a single batch loads of limericks and other (mostly Trump-related) humor I wrote during the summer of 2017, while recovering from wrist surgery:

*****
I suspect there’s a hole in Trump’s soul;
Donald pardoned a bigoted troll,
Deeming racism kosher.
(What act could be gaucher?)
Bias AIN’T just okay. It’s Trump’s goal.

*******

An unqualified Trump aide named Gorka,
Who’s despised by most ev’ry New Yorkuh,
Has been dumped. Will he rail
In a big pay-day tale?
I’m betting his story’s a corkuh.

*********

Alas, Harvey is fixing to mow
Through Texas, a menacing blow.
Trump’s FEMA’s done little;
Just talk laced with spittle.
But at least, Donald’s helped Sheriff Joe.

*****

Life With Mark and Madeleine:

Mark: I love NPR, except for late afternoons.

Madeleine: What’s the problem?

Mark: Each time I tune in, I hear the same damn story!

Madeleine: Maybe they should call it “One Thing Considered.”

*****

“Alex Jones calls Charlottesville violence a false flag, because alternative facts are still a thing”

What to do when your allies are caught
Doing wrong, and you fear all’s for naught?
There’s the Infowars’ chestnut:
Yes Jones is the best nut
To hatch “false flag” claims, overwrought.

*****

Oval Office blight;
Hope’s plummeting out of sight.
Can’t succumb to plight!

*****

I have run out of patience with those
Who voted for Trump. Your vote blows!
If you still like the guy,
Please do NOT explain why.
I don’t care; You’re to blame for our woes!

*****

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “The President is probably one of the strongest presidents we’ve had on economic issues.”

So true! Which Is why I can’t wait for Trump’s forthcoming treatise:

Strong Dollar/ Weak Dollar: Which One’s Better?

*****

Trump Advisor: A quick question, Mr. President, before you leave for golf: Any thoughts on naming an Ambassador to South Korea?

Trump: Absolutely not! No ambassador until they stop building nukes!

Trump Advisor: Sir, I’m pretty sure North Korea’s the one with the nukes.

Trump: Double check and get back to me. But first, where are my clubs?

*****

“POTUS has been briefed on [Hurricane] Harvey’s progress, as well as preparations, by his Homeland Security Advisor, Tom Bossert.”

Bossert: Harvey’s headed to Texas, but things are under…

Trump: Paul Harvey! Great radio guy! But isn’t he dead?

*****

Trump’s White House (from Cab Secs to VEEP)
Is so lawless, I just want to weep.
Take the Hatch Act; Ben’s speech
Last night was a breach.
My advice? Plead “I spoke in my sleep.”

(Ben Carson Hatch Act Phoenix Rally)

*****

“Trump to Congress: Fund the Wall or I’ll Shut the Government”

Donald thinks he has magical powers
To bully, till ev’ryone cowers:
“Build my wall!” (His first love)
“Or I’ll shut down the gov!”
No, not Mexico’s government! Ours!

*****

Trump’s Phoenix Rally

Yet another divisive Trump rally!
(Donald’s held way too many to tally.)
He was crazy, yet boring;
I swear I heard snoring,
As hundreds skipped Donald’s finale.

*****

Photo of the Day: “President Trump stares straight into solar eclipse without glasses”

The eclipse had us viewing our skies,
But ev’ryone knows it ain’t wise
To stare at the sun
While the moon’s having fun;
So dear Donald, good luck with your eyes.

*****

Our Naval destroyer collides.
Ten sailors are lost in the tides.
Trump is asked, as the Prez,
To comment, and says:
“That’s too bad!” What a lift he provides!

*****

Mar-a-Lago keeps losing events,
Reducing Trump’s dollars and cents;
Non-profits galore
Wish to be there no more.
Schadenfreude? My case is immense!

*****

Modest Proposal 4 Trump’s Afghanistan speech:

Declare victory. Take credit. Announce immediate withdrawal.

What’s another Trump lie?

*****

Though Trump skirts the truth to the max,
With an attitude far worse than lax,
He defended delaying
Tough statements by braying:
Before speaking, “I like to know facts.”

*****

Both sides good!
Both sides bad!
Me like facts!
Fake media’s mad!

*****

Dear Trump, don’t expect me to cheer
Today’s speech; your reluctance was clear.
Condemnation delayed
Simply won’t make the grade.
Sneers and jeers for your words insincere!

*****

Me great president!
Racism bad!!!
Everyone happy now?
Can I go back to golf?

*****

The Donald’s an arrogant fool
Who possesses just one tiny tool:
The dominance game,
Which is best not to aim
At someone who’s equally cruel.

*****
Trump & North Korea Haiku

“Fire!” “Fury!”
“Locked and Loaded!”
Adolescent bullies, goaded.

*****

Bombings tend to make Trump go to town;
He’ll speak out and he’ll tweet and he’ll frown!
But he’s yet to decry
Friday’s mosque attack. Why?
Have Twitter and Facebook been down?

*****

Seems that Pence has been caught at ambition,
A perilous White House condition.
Pence denies it, of course.
Will Trump force a “divorce,”
As suspicion incites trust attrition?

*****

“Is the Donald about to ‘reset?'”
That’s a query I simply don’t get.
Yet the press loves to ask it.
Instead, I would task it:
Truly cover our national threat.

*****

The Trump presidency could be just the thing that converts me from agnostic to atheist.

*****

Dear Head of the Boy Scouts, explain
Trump’s invasion inside your domain
With a broadside so mad,
You said “Sorry! My bad!”
Tell me: Why would you think he’d act sane?

*****

If Trump’s White House is a “fine-tuned machine,” mark me down for a jalopy.

*****

Sean Spicer has fled from his box,
So the White House is losing his vox,
Which was often embattled;
He lied and he prattled…
Skills soon to be transferred to Fox?

*****

A visit from “Donald, the Cad”
To London’s postponed; the poor lad
Heard that protests were planned,
Making Trump feel unmanned.
Demonstration-fears stopping him? Sad!

*****

Junk health insurance—
Just what the doctor ordered.

*****

Dear Jared, you’ll soon be in hock
To your lawyers, who bill round the clock.
Will they help you to skate?
I say prison’s your fate,
As a chip off the old Kushner block.

*****

Trump’s Voter Fraud “Investigator” Demands State Voter Records, And States Ain’t Happy:

“Just what are they trying to hide?”
Trump’s response, when most states won’t abide
By vile records demands;
Voter privacy stands
Somehow wrong? Trump’s returns, still un-eyed.

*****

Pete Sessions’ Bad Session (Limerick)

Monday, March 20th, 2017

Texas Republican Pete Sessions doesn’t seem all that good at handling a crowd of angry constituents. At a rowdy town hall, he responded with this gem:

I know why you’re so frustrated: You don’t know how to listen.

Pete Sessions’ town hall was immersed
In constituent wrath, so he burst:
“You don’t know how to listen!”
(Flop sweat all a-glisten.)
It seems Pete has things slightly reversed.

I’m (Dance) Floored By Perry’s Nomination (Limerick)

Thursday, December 15th, 2016

I’ve finally figured out what qualifies former Texas governor Rick Perry to be Energy Sec: He’s an energetic dancer.

Anyone who believes Perry is qualified to lead the Department of Energy, probably makes this association: “Texas equals oil equals energy.” What a shame that energy resources like oil and gas are handled by a totally different agency: The Department of Interior.

So what’s the main job of the department Trump wants Perry to lead? Hint: sciencey stuff involving nuclear weapons and waste.

What qualifies Perry to be
Donald’s Energy Sec? Here’s my plea:
Kindly don’t mention oil.
(Oil’s Interior’s toil.)
As for Rick’s gig, nuke know-how is key.

Open Limerick To Ted Cruz

Monday, March 23rd, 2015

Open Limerick To Ted Cruz
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My muse and I thank you, Ted Cruz.
We’re enthused by your news. No more blues!
I’m infused with elation.
You’re bruising our nation,
But your run means we rhymers can’t lose.

Texas Republicans, Repair Thyselves! (Limerick)

Monday, June 9th, 2014

Texas Republicans, Repair Thyselves! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The “reparative therapy” craze
Is fancied by Texans for gays.
Although Dems know it’s foolish,
Republicans, mulish,
Praise treatment for homo-malaise.

Eagle Scout Perry’s Bald Wingnut Pander (Limerick)

Sunday, February 3rd, 2013

Texas Governor Rick Perry, whose reputation hasn’t recovered from his presidential campaign debacle, is trying to bolster his right-wing cred with an attack on gays. Perry, an Eagle Scout, “said emphatically Saturday that the Boy Scouts of America should not soften its strict policy barring gay members, and dismissed the idea of bending the organization to the whims of ‘popular culture.’”

Eagle Scout Perry’s Bald Wingnut Pander (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A new policy may be conferred
By the Boy Scouts. At least, that’s the word.
But Eagle Scout Rick
Thinks this change would be sick:
He’d keep flipping gay Boy Scouts the bird.

Dear Red State Would-Be Secessionists: Buh-Bye! (Limerick)

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

Shush! Please don’t tell all those Red State would-be secessionists what a great deal they have right now. And how much better off financially we Blue Staters would be, if the sore loser Red Staters successfully seceded.

… a large number of patriotic Americans, mostly from states won by Mitt Romney last week, have petitioned the White House to let them secede. They should be careful about what they wish for. It would be excellent financial news for those of us left behind if Obama were to grant a number of the rebel states their wish “to withdraw from the United States and create [their] own NEW government” (the petitions emphasize “new” by capitalizing it).

Red states receive, on average, far more from the federal government in expenditures than they pay in taxes. The balance is the opposite in blue states. The secession petitions, therefore, give the opportunity to create what would be, in a fiscal sense, a far more perfect union.

Dear Red State Would-Be Secessionists: Buh-Bye! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Greedy Red States who want to secede
Are “takers” and foolish indeed.
From the Fed they get more
Than they send — they’ll be poor
If they leave, and the Blues will be freed.

State of Embarrassment (Limerick)

Monday, May 21st, 2012

Note to Sarah Palin and Ted (Tea Party Express, Texas) Cruz, a would-be Republican nominee for U.S. Senate: Just because Texas and Kansas both end in “as” doesn’t make them the same state:

Sarah Palin called with a tip that Cruz was the man for the GOP.

Thank goodness the Cruz campaign directed a robocall to my office of the Topeka Capital-Journal.

Getting meaningful political advice from Palin was a treat.

“Hello, Texas!” she blasted into my ear. “I’m Sarah Palin.”

State of Embarrassment (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Sarah, when trying to aid
Mr. Cruz, all your robocalls played
On phones through the state
Of Kansas ain’t great,
When it’s Texans you aim to persuade.

Limerick Ode to Clueless Rick Perry

Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

Poor Rick Perry is having a rough time. First, he’s forced to walk back his pro-Birther “I don’t have a clue about … what his birth certificate says” comments. Next, he’s reduced to silence on Fox Business when told he sounds “like one of those Occupy Wall Streeters.”

Limerick Ode To Clueless Rick Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Perry’s not-a-clue line caused ado.
Anti-Birthers are starting to stew.
But in Perry’s behalf,
It’s not really a gaffe
Cuz it’s true: Perry hasn’t a clue.

Limerick Ode to Rick “Bad Debater” Perry

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011

Certain media people are doing Rick Perry a huge favor by lowering the bar with tales of Perry being a lousy debater.

Limerick Ode to Rick “Bad Debater” Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When press people lower the bar,
They enable a pol to go far.
Exceed expectations,
Then get more ovations,
And become a political star.

Limerick Ode To Rick “Fed Up With My Book!” Perry

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

When a candidate tries to distance himself from, say, his doctoral thesis, or a book written a dozen years ago, this passes the straight-face test.

But when Rick Perry tries this with Fed Up! (a book published last fall) it’s hard not to laugh out loud.

Perry’s problem, of course, is that his book is packed with extreme positions, too radical even for his own Republican party. So Perry’s campaign would have us believe that Perry’s Social Security is unconstitutional position from last year is no longer operative. The same goes for his call to repeal the 16th amendment and replace income taxes with a national sales tax.

Limerick Ode To Rick “Fed Up With My Book!” Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Perry, that book you’d disclaim
Was written by you — you’re to blame.
And it’s new — ink’s not dry.
Yet you’re wondering why
We’re on to your radical game.

Limerick Ode To Rick Perry

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has sure had a busy few days. Not only has he thrown himself into the Republican presidential contest, but he’s threatened Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke with violence and accused him of treason. And let’s not forget this beaut: Perry implied that President Obama isn’t “in love” with America. That’s pretty nervy, coming from a fellow who’s touted Texas secession.

Limerick Ode To Rick Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Perry, to threaten the Fed
With vi’lence ain’t good for your cred.
And throwing around
The word treason ain’t sound
For secession proponents. ‘Nuff said.

Limerick Ode To 10th Amendment Hypocrisy

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011

I’m constantly running into Tenth Amendment states’ rights hypocrisy, most often concerning abortion rights and same sex marriage. Texas Governor Rick Perry is but the latest example: He’s now calling for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage and abortion.

Limerick Ode To 10th Amendment Hypocrisy
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Gov. Perry’s a fan of states’ rights:
10th amendment — he loves its delights.
But gay marriage? Abortion?
Please brace for contortion:
He’d smite them through federal fights.

Liberate Me From The Paul Clan

Monday, April 18th, 2011

Just what we need — another Ron Paul son in the Senate:

Liberate Me From The Paul Clan
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Yet another ambitious Paul son?
How I’d hoped there was only the one.
First Ron and then Rand
And now Rob? What a band!
Please tell me we’re finally done.

Want Tom In Prison — No Delay!

Monday, January 10th, 2011

In the wake of the Arizona shootings, there isn’t much news to celebrate in rhyme. But I finally came up with something: Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) was sentenced to three years in prison for “conspiring to launder corporate money into political donations during the 2002 elections.”

That brings me to my latest limerick:

Want Tom In Prison — No Delay!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There’s a glimmer of good news today:
It’s prison for Thomas DeLay.
His sentence? Three years.
So let’s hear it: Three cheers!
Please no stay! Want DeLay put away.

Ode To The Wingnutty Pete Sessions

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

It sounds like Texas Congressman Pete Sessions could use some … uh … sessions on somebody’s couch.

… Representative Pete Sessions of Texas, may indeed face an uphill fight with his argument that Mr. Obama is not trying to create jobs. In an interview, Mr. Sessions cited rising unemployment in asserting that the administration intended to “diminish employment and diminish stock prices” as part of a “divide and conquer” strategy to consolidate power.

Ode To The Wingnutty Pete Sessions
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Texas Republican Sessions
Likes to conjure up lib’ral transgressions:
Claims Barack to build power
Made stocks and jobs sour.
Pete needs help from the head-shrink professions.

Secession? Did I Say Secession?

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

For such a fan of secession, Texas Gov. Rick Perry sure is quick to ask for federal bucks. Hurricane disaster assistance? Check. Antiviral medications to combat swine flu? Check.

Now I live just two miles from the Fresh Meadows, Queens, New York swine flu outbreak at St. Francis Prep School. And I’m all for sending swine flu meds to needy areas like Texas. I just wish Texas didn’t have such a hypocrite for a governor.

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Secession? Did I Say Secession?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My Texas is quite independent,
Said Rick Perry — secession-defendant.
Then he called for the feds
To send anti-flu meds.
With hypocrisy Perry’s resplendent.

Yet Another Ode To Republican Hypocrisy

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

My latest double limerick, written in an antibiotic haze and inspired by Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s secession talk brouhaha:

Yet Another Ode To Republican Hypocrisy
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Under Bush left-dissent equaled treason.
So Republicans claimed without reason.
Now Obama is prez
(A commie Chavez)
And secession is righteous — not teasin’.

Yes Gov. Perry and co. say it’s fine —
This unconstitutional whine:
Secede cuz Barack
Is a Europy Jacques.
Then they pray to Ron Reagan. Divine!

Seeing Red Over Rep. Betty Brown

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

I’m a bit late on the “Asians should change their names” story. But I do have the “on vacation” and “under the weather” excuse.

Texas state representative Betty Brown (R-Terrell, in North Texas) caused a ruckus on Tuesday by saying, during testimony about voter ID legislation, that Asians would have an easier time of getting along if they simply changed their names.

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?”

If anyone deserves a double limerick, it’s Rep. Betty Brown:

Seeing Red Over Rep. Betty Brown
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If your name hails from Asia, it’s hard.
So don’t bitch if your ballot is barred.
Said Rep. Brown, “Change your name,”
Cuz your name is to blame
For confusing us. What a canard!

Please take heed if your name’s Cho or Wu,
And here’s what I think you should do:
Simply pity Rep. Brown.
She’s a prejudiced clown.
La femme est chauvine et sans clue.