Vintage Wisdom "Are you a Winus Ignoramus? Do wine connoisseurs make you feel insecure? I once felt the same way … until I discovered that NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING, especially when mouthing off about wine. ..."
The Five-Second What??? "I guess I must have led a very sheltered existence. Why do I say that? Because I’d never heard the phrase “five-second rule” until my husband Mark used it as an excuse to eat some treat he’d just dropped on the floor. (And yes, we’re still married.) ..."
Multitasking Mania (Limerick and Haiku)
"It’s risky to drive while you eat,
Most especially pasta with meat:..."
Caffeinated Verse (Limerick)
“I’ve rarely been tempted by tea,
And coffee does nothing for me. ...”
Creature Of Habit (Limerick)
"“Shall I tell you our specials today?”
Asks the waiter, who knows what I’ll say: ..."
Television Nightmares "Do you want to lose weight? Then I recommend that you watch Gordon Ramsay’s new Fox show Kitchen Nightmares during dinner. As the good Gordon might (and often does) say, 'Oh my God!' ..."
Some Dishy Verse "We’re discussing our favorite dish,”
Said the gal. “Please chime in if you wish. ..."
This Doesn't Pass The Smell Test "According to this odd story, a smoking ban in British pubs has managed to make British bars smell even worse. Apparently, the acrid smell of smoke is a delight compared to all the foul odors smoke used to mask: “stale food and beer, damp, sweat and body odour, drains and - how do you put this nicely - flatulence. ..."
Amusing Wine (Limerick)
"When experts say wine is amusing,
It’s a compliment. Ain’t that confusing? ..."
Tasty Verse (Limerick)
"There are folks who like food rather bland,
Where all trace of flavor’s been banned. ..."
Ode To Starbucks (Humor column about cappuccino addiction, the Starbucks revolution, and life in Bayside, Queens, New York)
Margarine Is Good For You. Oops -- Never Mind. "It's hard to follow the news lately without reading some scientific red alert about an everyday food. Not long ago, for instance, The Center for Science in the Public Interest announced that pastries are bad for you. All I can say is: Exactly -- that's why we eat them..."
Hazardous House-Guests "Has your country home been converted to an inn by people you scarcely know? Can friendship withstand a weekend stay with homeowners who long to be alone..."
Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."
Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."
Bracing For That Blind Date "Are you facing yet another blind date with fear and dread? Are you tempted to throttle anyone who cajoles you into going out with an allegedly attractive friend? Believe it or not, blind dates can actually be fun..."
Revel With A Clause (funny contract) "Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You're running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return..."