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Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit

Madeleine Begun Kane

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The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush, naming White House Physician Dr. Richard Tubb, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, White House spokesman Ken Lisaius, and Bush aide Karen Hughes as codefendants.

NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels, which defendants knew or should have known were inconsistent with the truth, and which defendants knew and/or should have known would cause serious damage to the income and profitability of NAPP and its member manufacturers."

Also named in the suit were "all wire services, newspapers, magazines, radio stations, television stations, and Websites which willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, republished said false and/or untrue statements without investigating the accuracy thereof, and which knew or should have known that the alleged Bush pretzel choking and/or wrongful swallowing, fainting, and bruising incident, could not have happened in the manner described by defendants Bush, Tubb, Fleischer, Lisaius, and Hughes."

The NAPP suit was filed in the United States District Court for the District of Columbia by NAPP Counsel R. U. Fromhunger, who commented as follows in an exclusive interview with "Mr. Bush's poll ratings are well into the three digits, rendering the impact of his food likes and dislikes and their perceived effect on his health and well-being extraordinarily influential."

He continued, after pausing briefly to shove a fistful of pretzels into his mouth: "Immediately following the first publication of the Bush pretzel tale, pretzel sales and pretzel producer stock prices plummeted. Moreover, in the absence of an immediate and sizable settlement and/or government bailout, a bankruptcy filing is likely."

When asked to respond to rumors that the First lady had banned pretzels from the White House, Camp David, and Air Force One, Fromhunger said, "Mrs. Bush's egregious actions only rub salt into the wounds."

Then he shoveled another fistful of pretzels into his mouth, downed a can of beer, and vowed to amend the complaint by adding a cause of action against Laura Bush.

President Bush and codefendants Tubb, Lisaius, and Hughes have declined to comment on the pending case. As for Mr. Fleischer, he said he had no knowledge of the lawsuit, adding: "Is Frito-Lay a plaintiff? Because President Bush hasn't seen any Lays since last spring."

© 2002 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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