To be brutally honest, I know next to nothing about technology. So when people ask me questions about the Internet, hi-tech devices, or the wonders of broadband, I just explain that it's magic. And if they insist on knowing more, I tell them to check out my computer humor. This usually works; I never hear from them again.
I hope you'll enjoy all this computer, web, Facebook, and technology-related humor, limericks and light verse by Madeleine Begun Kane.
Celebrate All My Gizmos Are Working Day "Apparently, nobody’s thought to invent All My Gizmos Are Working Day. That is, until now. So with the powers vested in me as a member in good standing of the New York State Bar, I hereby declare March 2, 2011 to be the first annual All My Gizmos Are Working Day. ..."
Fight Firewalls With Kindle "My humorist pal Rose Valenta recently created a Kindle version of her blog and inspired me to do the same. Why? Because many employers are getting strict about web access, blocking employees from reading their favorite blogs and sites ..."
The Price Of Facebook Friendship "Are you suffering from Facebook friend envy? Do you have a few hundred spare bucks lying around? Then uSocial, an Australian marketing company, is eager to help you buy thousands of “targeted” Facebook friends and fans and Twitter followers. ..."
Kindle Swindle? E-book repossession via electronic invasion of privacy. If it isn’t a crime, it sure as hell ought to be.
A Robot Violinist That Plays Better Than Your Kid? (Double Limerick) “I’ve heard some bad violinists in my day … especially back when I substitute-taught elementary school music classes. But amazingly enough, this robot violinist (while lousy, of course) is better than your average fifth grade violin student. ...”
Twitter Jitters (Limerick)
“I really don’t mean to sound bitter,
But it’s hard to fit humor on Twitter. ...”
Pedestrian Plea "There once was a fellow named Mike,
Who was bored while out riding his bike. ...”
Email Hell " I’m out of the office right now.
Do I hate answ’ring email? And how! ..."
Life-Saving, Spam-Fighting WordPress Plugin “I don’t usually write about technology, unless I’m writing limericks and haiku about sundry computer, spam, email, voice mail, and other techie aggravations. But I’m making an exception today ...”
Web Withdrawal Woes (Limerick)
"This outage has led me to think
I’ve gone bonkers, berserk—need a shrink. ..."
Mad Kane's Gone Mobile, And So Can You "There’s good news for the on-the-run multitasker: Mad Kane’s gone mobile, so both of my blogs can be read on cell phones. And there’s even more good news — it’s easy to set up. How? I’ll tell you where to go … but first, a limerick: ..."
Spam Haiku "Sometimes spam frustrates me so much, that I’m forced to turn it into haiku. How do I do it? I simply mix and match phrases from various annoying email solicitations and turn them into Spam Haiku. Here are some examples: ..."
Captured By CAPTCHA "If you’ve ever registered for a site or an email list, you’re surely familiar with those frustrating anti-spam CAPTCHA forms. ..."
Is Google At War? "Many prestigious and popular sites just took a huge Google PageRank hit. For instance, The Washington Post, Forbes, The Chicago Sun-Times, and SFGate.com have all dropped from a 7 to a 5. ..."
Time Travel (Limerick)
"Please stop all the clocks. Cut the phone.
Pull the plug on each ‘puter you own. ..."
Backup Blues (Limerick)
"They told me to back up my drive,
Which has crashed—it’s no longer alive. ..."
Webmaster's SEO Lament (Sing to My Favorite Things from Sound of Music)
"Webmasters pine for more search engine traffic.
Some pay big dollars for SEO magic.
Hoping their keywords will get a huge rise.
Fearing they won't get that Google rank prize..."
Bloggers' Rhapsody (To be sung to "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" by George & Ira Gershwin)
"You praise my weblog
And I'll mention your blog.
You link my weblog
And I'll link to your blog
Weblog, Your blog, Weblog, Your blog,
Let's call the whole thing off..."
A Clueless Chat "I'm pleased to announce the launch of MadKane Chats. This exciting new series will feature online interviews with people so starved for publicity, they return my calls..."
Employee Dearest Dear Employee: Congratulations on your ___ (fill in the blank) anniversary at StaffPeopleInESpace.com ("SPIES"). We hope you have enjoyed your ___ (fill in the blank) years at SPIES as much as we have.
It's time, as you know, for your annual review, which we have decided to do this year by email. In the past, we made every effort to conduct employee reviews face to face. Frankly, however, in person interviews are very time consuming. Plus we had far too many fatalities.
Surfing For Madeleines "I want to be Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Not that I'm power hungry or anything like that. Hey, cut out the snide comments ... and that's an order..."
Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."
A Traveler's Net Woes "If your husband ever invites you to join him on a business trip, be sure to ask him these questions:
1. Will you ever get to see him while he is not -- technically -- asleep?
2. What will he do, if you accidentally lock yourself out of your hotel room in the middle of the night while you are not -- technically -- dressed? ..."
Taxing Times "My husband Mark and I usually prepare our joint tax returns jointly. Being good citizens, we begin early in February with tax planning discussions like this:
Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week.
By late March we've made impressive progress:
Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week..."
Say Goodbye To Privacy (To be sung to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel)
"Bush is drivin' through a bill that strips rights,
Turns your life to an open, guided tour.
It sends your info to a Fed'ral machine.
It's a scene straight from Nineteen-Eight-Four.
Say goodbye to privacy.
Say goodbye to freedom..."
Pumped About The Web "I have great news for all you multi-taskers and for people who think pumping gas is a bore: Any day now, your local service station may be equipped with a combination gas pump/Web browser. That way you'll be able to surf hot sites and scan your spam while breathing in gasoline fumes..."
When Your Car Talks Back Does one wrong turn render you hopelessly lost? If so, you may want to check out the new hot feature in automobiles: navigation systems. But before you buy one, be sure to take it out for a test talk.
Surf The Net In A Cab? Not On Your Life! "If you don't get enough Net surfing in at home or on the job, you now can do it in some New York City cabs, thanks to a Yahoo! Inc. and Medallion Financial Corp. pilot program. This should help distract Big Apple taxi riders, who spend most of their time clutching door handles and each other, while praying they'll make it to their destinations with most of their bones intact..."
Mad Kane's Diary "10:45 a.m. Another late start on this week's column. That's what I get for surfing every night until 3:00 a.m..."
Our Infectious Net "When I was a child, my mother always worried about my catching a virus. Well, I'm a married woman now, and she still worries about my catching a virus. Only these days they have names like the Love Bug and Melissa..."
A Tale of Two Engines "I've been hearing great things about Ask Jeeves and its question answering approach to search engine queries. So I decided to consult Jeeves about a car problem -- an engine noise that nobody's been able to fix. Here's how my consultation went..."
Pick On Me "Dear DoS Guys: You've been busy lately making trouble for Yahoo, eBay, Amazon, and a bunch of other big league sites. You guys (Is it sexist for me to assume you're guys?) are really good..."
Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."
Net Radio Blues "It's time for an embarrassing confession: I don't have cable TV or, for that matter, a microwave oven. I'd like to think I compensate by being the proud owner of one laptop and 2 PCs. But that's small comfort when I'm faced with frozen pizza..."
E-Mapping It Out "When my husband Mark suggested an impromptu trip to Long Island's East Hampton, I instinctively reached for a map. Then I remembered; we no longer own any maps. They were soaked beyond redemption in a flash flood that destroyed our car during our last impromptu trip. We replaced the car, but not the maps..."
Unplugged And Unhinged "Maybe I was getting a bit cocky about my Internet prowess. Perhaps I bragged one time too many about my overnight-conversion from high-tech dummy to..."