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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,
COMPUTER, TECHNOLOGY, PRIVACY & INTERNET HUMOR


Madeleine Begun Kane
 
....

Bob Newhart Names Madeleine Begun Kane Winner of Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor

OFFICE HUMOR    HUMOR BLOG    POLITICAL SATIRE    LATEST HUMOR    MONEY HUMOR

To be brutally honest, I know next to nothing about technology. So when people ask me questions about the Internet, hi-tech devices, or the wonders of broadband, I just explain that it's magic. And if they insist on knowing more, I tell them to check out my computer humor. This usually works; I never hear from them again.

I hope you'll enjoy all this computer, web, Facebook, and technology-related humor, limericks and light verse by Madeleine Begun Kane.

  • Ode To Information Overload
    "Too much data is haunting my dreams–
    Excess info and too many memes.
    Overloaded with news,
    My brain has the blues:
    'I’m cluttered with tidbits,' it screams..."

  • This Invention Doesn’t Pass The Smell Test
    "I’m vexed and a little perplexed
    By the concept of smells sent by text. ..."

  • Revisiting My Luddite Self
    "In a decades-old piece, I once warned
    With a Luddite’s distrust, unadorned..."

  • There's An App For WHAT? "Just when you think a problem is unsolvable, a creative company comes up with a solution. I’m referring, of course, to Smarter Socks which, we’re told, 'makes sorting socks child’s play' through 'interaction between the socks with a communication button, the Sock Sorter and an iPhone app.'”

  • Dear Doc
    "Although surgery’s surely a grind,
    It with sexting ought NOT be combined..."

  • Limerick Invention
    "A fellow invented an app
    That fills a technology gap..."

  • Telecommuting Limerick
    "A fellow who telecommuted
    Had a short trip to work — undisputed..."

  • In-Box Overload
    "My in-box is filled to the brim.
    The sight of it’s making me grim..."

  • Out Of Sync Limerick
    "A writer was trying to sync
    Her laptop, which seemed on the blink..."

  • Limerick Ode To Holiday-itis
    "We’re busy pretending to work:
    Reading Facebook’s the best way to shirk ..."

  • Sleep-Deprived Limerick
    "An inventor was trying to nap,
    But snoozing just wasn’t on tap..."

  • Digital Impasse
    "My brain is packed with secret codes
    To access all my stuff,
    Like bank accounts and sundry cards.
    Recalling them is rough.

    I pay my bills online and need
    A PIN for each of those.
    My website has a password too,
    Protecting verse and prose.

    These letters, numbers, symbols mix
    In ways to stave off theft. ..."

  • Limerick Ode To Google+

  • Dear Facebook: Get Up To Speed

  • Limerick Ode To Voicemail

  • Commanding and Demanding (Haiku Quintet)
    "Designing programs
    for software business clients —
    command performance. ..."

  • Celebrate All My Gizmos Are Working Day "Apparently, nobody’s thought to invent All My Gizmos Are Working Day. That is, until now. So with the powers vested in me as a member in good standing of the New York State Bar, I hereby declare March 2, 2011 to be the first annual All My Gizmos Are Working Day. ..."

  • A Poke In The Facebook

  • The Social Network (Limerick Review)

  • Dear Spammer Dude

  • Hi-Tech Limerick

  • Creative Keys

  • Nerdy Limerick
    "A hard-working fellow named Zeke
    Was thought of as rather a geek. ..."

  • Patently Evil? (Litigation Limerick) "Apple and Google are in the midst of a fascinating feud over their competing products, Apple’s iPhone and Google’s Android. ..."

  • Feed Needs "In simpler (pre-social networking) days, I suffered from just one web addiction — checking my email. And that was bad enough. But now it’s Facebook and Twitter and blogging, oh my! ..."

  • Just What Drivers Need — More Distractions! "I’m as big a web addict as the next woman. But do we really need Internet-enabled dashboards in our cars? ..."

  • Fight Firewalls With Kindle "My humorist pal Rose Valenta recently created a Kindle version of her blog and inspired me to do the same. Why? Because many employers are getting strict about web access, blocking employees from reading their favorite blogs and sites ..."

  • Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Texting? "Brace yourself for a large dose of libertarian outrage: Texting while driving may soon be outlawed. ..."

  • The Price Of Facebook Friendship "Are you suffering from Facebook friend envy? Do you have a few hundred spare bucks lying around? Then uSocial, an Australian marketing company, is eager to help you buy thousands of “targeted” Facebook friends and fans and Twitter followers. ..."

  • Kindle Swindle? E-book repossession via electronic invasion of privacy. If it isn’t a crime, it sure as hell ought to be.

  • My Advice To Spammers

  • Battle of the Search Engines "I couldn’t let the launch of Google-challenger Bing pass without a limerick. ...”

  • Luddite Limerick

  • A Robot Violinist That Plays Better Than Your Kid? (Double Limerick) “I’ve heard some bad violinists in my day … especially back when I substitute-taught elementary school music classes. But amazingly enough, this robot violinist (while lousy, of course) is better than your average fifth grade violin student. ...”

  • Twitter Jitters (Limerick)
    “I really don’t mean to sound bitter,
    But it’s hard to fit humor on Twitter. ...”

  • Pedestrian Plea
    "There once was a fellow named Mike,
    Who was bored while out riding his bike. ...”

  • The Couple That Reads Together (Limerick)
    “A tech-savvy husband and wife
    Once suffered occasional strife ...”

  • Email Hell
    " I’m out of the office right now.
    Do I hate answ’ring email? And how! ..."

  • Life-Saving, Spam-Fighting WordPress Plugin “I don’t usually write about technology, unless I’m writing limericks and haiku about sundry computer, spam, email, voice mail, and other techie aggravations. But I’m making an exception today ...”

  • Some Friendly Advice For McCain’s Veep Vetting Team
    "McCain doesn’t use a PC
    Or a Mac, so he needs a VP ..."

  • The Outgoing Message I’d love To (But Probably Shouldn’t) Leave On My Answering Machine

  • Web Withdrawal Woes (Limerick)
    "This outage has led me to think
    I’ve gone bonkers, berserk—need a shrink. ..."

  • Mad Kane's Gone Mobile, And So Can You "There’s good news for the on-the-run multitasker: Mad Kane’s gone mobile, so both of my blogs can be read on cell phones. And there’s even more good news — it’s easy to set up. How? I’ll tell you where to go … but first, a limerick: ..."

  • Spam Haiku "Sometimes spam frustrates me so much, that I’m forced to turn it into haiku. How do I do it? I simply mix and match phrases from various annoying email solicitations and turn them into Spam Haiku. Here are some examples: ..."

  • Captured By CAPTCHA "If you’ve ever registered for a site or an email list, you’re surely familiar with those frustrating anti-spam CAPTCHA forms. ..."

  • Is Google At War? "Many prestigious and popular sites just took a huge Google PageRank hit. For instance, The Washington Post, Forbes, The Chicago Sun-Times, and SFGate.com have all dropped from a 7 to a 5. ..."

  • Time Travel (Limerick)
    "Please stop all the clocks. Cut the phone.
    Pull the plug on each ‘puter you own. ..."

  • A Spam Filter That Really Works Would Be Nice (Limerick)
    "My filters should block them, but nay!
    Spam emails beset me each day, ..."

  • Victory In My Battle Against A Feed-Scraping Content Thief

  • Great Moments In History: Happy Birthday Xerox Copier!

  • Backup Blues (Limerick)
    "They told me to back up my drive,
    Which has crashed—it’s no longer alive. ..."

  • Webmaster's SEO Lament (Sing to My Favorite Things from Sound of Music)
    "Webmasters pine for more search engine traffic.
    Some pay big dollars for SEO magic.
    Hoping their keywords will get a huge rise.
    Fearing they won't get that Google rank prize..."

  • Ode To The Google PageRank Obsession "In honor of Google PageRank update season, which apparently is upon us, I’ve written this limerick. ..."

  • Bloggers' Rhapsody (To be sung to "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" by George & Ira Gershwin)
    "You praise my weblog
    And I'll mention your blog.
    You link my weblog
    And I'll link to your blog
    Weblog, Your blog, Weblog, Your blog,
    Let's call the whole thing off..."

  • Bush Growls; Dems Kowtow on Eavesdropping (Limerick & Poll) "I finally dare to fantasize that the Democrats may have gotten their act together, and they pull a cowardly stunt like this. ..."

  • Wine Tasting Robots, Oh My! "Would you trust a wine tasting robot? What about a robot that thinks humans taste like bacon? ..."

  • Sleepless In Geekdom (Limerick)
    "My husband’s a super-smart geek
    Who’s on overnight call once a week. ..."

  • Ode to The Segway Scooter
    "The maker of scooters called Segway
    Has recalled them from road, walk, and hedgeway..."

  • Invade People Privacy ... For Only Pennies A Day "Are you concerned about sleazy Internet snoops? Would you like to be a sleazy Internet snoop? ..."

  • Swift Intrusions
    "From the Times we know Bush likes to sift
    Through our bank records managed by SWIFT..."

  • Blog Relocation Limerick
    "Coding by hand is quite hard.
    It takes time from my being a bard..."

  • Net Neutrality Ad Madness
    "I've no problem with blogs hosting ads.
    But some of those ads make me sad..."

  • A Clueless Chat "I'm pleased to announce the launch of MadKane Chats. This exciting new series will feature online interviews with people so starved for publicity, they return my calls..."

  • Employee Dearest Dear Employee: Congratulations on your ___ (fill in the blank) anniversary at StaffPeopleInESpace.com ("SPIES"). We hope you have enjoyed your ___ (fill in the blank) years at SPIES as much as we have.
    It's time, as you know, for your annual review, which we have decided to do this year by email. In the past, we made every effort to conduct employee reviews face to face. Frankly, however, in person interviews are very time consuming. Plus we had far too many fatalities.

  • Surfing For Madeleines "I want to be Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Not that I'm power hungry or anything like that. Hey, cut out the snide comments ... and that's an order..."

  • Hapless Surfer's Guide To Privacy Policies "Do you cringe at the very sight of yet another bewildering privacy policy? I offer, as a public service, my extremely unofficial guide to privacy policies..."

  • Weblog Wonderland (To be sung to "Winter Wonderland")
    "Bloggers zing, are you list'nin'?
    Some are vain, some are bristlin'.
    The left and the right
    Are happy tonight.
    Surfin' in a weblog wonderland..."

  • We Have Bush's Number ... and He Has Ours
    "Most telcos caved in to requests
    From the Feds that fail privacy tests..."

  • Bush 404 Error -- Bush Not Found In Crawford

  • Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
    I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."

  • A Traveler's Net Woes "If your husband ever invites you to join him on a business trip, be sure to ask him these questions:
       1. Will you ever get to see him while he is not -- technically -- asleep?
       2. What will he do, if you accidentally lock yourself out of your hotel room in the middle of the night while you are not -- technically -- dressed? ..."

  • Taxing Times "My husband Mark and I usually prepare our joint tax returns jointly. Being good citizens, we begin early in February with tax planning discussions like this:

    Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
    Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week.

    By late March we've made impressive progress:

    Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
    Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week..."

  • Say Goodbye To Privacy (To be sung to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel)
    "Bush is drivin' through a bill that strips rights,
    Turns your life to an open, guided tour.
    It sends your info to a Fed'ral machine.
    It's a scene straight from Nineteen-Eight-Four.
    Say goodbye to privacy.
    Say goodbye to freedom..."

  • George Bush Says His Spying Is Cool -- Limerick
    "George Bush says his spying is cool,
    And he broke not a law, nor a rule..."

  • Pumped About The Web "I have great news for all you multi-taskers and for people who think pumping gas is a bore: Any day now, your local service station may be equipped with a combination gas pump/Web browser. That way you'll be able to surf hot sites and scan your spam while breathing in gasoline fumes..."

  • When Your Car Talks Back Does one wrong turn render you hopelessly lost? If so, you may want to check out the new hot feature in automobiles: navigation systems. But before you buy one, be sure to take it out for a test talk.

  • Ernie Istook Explains All
    "I'm innocent,
    Says Rep. Istook.
    I'd never at your tax files look..."

  • Surf The Net In A Cab? Not On Your Life! "If you don't get enough Net surfing in at home or on the job, you now can do it in some New York City cabs, thanks to a Yahoo! Inc. and Medallion Financial Corp. pilot program. This should help distract Big Apple taxi riders, who spend most of their time clutching door handles and each other, while praying they'll make it to their destinations with most of their bones intact..."

  • Mad Kane's Diary "10:45 a.m. Another late start on this week's column. That's what I get for surfing every night until 3:00 a.m..."

  • Our Infectious Net "When I was a child, my mother always worried about my catching a virus. Well, I'm a married woman now, and she still worries about my catching a virus. Only these days they have names like the Love Bug and Melissa..."

  • A Tale of Two Engines "I've been hearing great things about Ask Jeeves and its question answering approach to search engine queries. So I decided to consult Jeeves about a car problem -- an engine noise that nobody's been able to fix. Here's how my consultation went..."

  • Pick On Me "Dear DoS Guys: You've been busy lately making trouble for Yahoo, eBay, Amazon, and a bunch of other big league sites. You guys (Is it sexist for me to assume you're guys?) are really good..."

  • Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."

  • Net Radio Blues "It's time for an embarrassing confession: I don't have cable TV or, for that matter, a microwave oven. I'd like to think I compensate by being the proud owner of one laptop and 2 PCs. But that's small comfort when I'm faced with frozen pizza..."

  • E-Mapping It Out "When my husband Mark suggested an impromptu trip to Long Island's East Hampton, I instinctively reached for a map. Then I remembered; we no longer own any maps. They were soaked beyond redemption in a flash flood that destroyed our car during our last impromptu trip. We replaced the car, but not the maps..."

  • Unplugged And Unhinged "Maybe I was getting a bit cocky about my Internet prowess. Perhaps I bragged one time too many about my overnight-conversion from high-tech dummy to..."

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