The Not-So-Sharp Musician (Limerick)

July 2nd, 2022

A would-be musician was lax
About practicing scales on his sax.
Yet he landed a seat
In a band — no mean feat,
But then blew it and soon got the axe.

The Oddball Composer (Limerick)

July 1st, 2022

A minor composer named Bea
Only wrote in A Minor. “You see,
Its sound is the best,”
She’d respond when a pest
Asked her why. “It’s my signature key!”

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLATE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 23, 2022)

June 25th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLATE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write CRAFT-themed limericks using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRAFT-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of these Random Words anywhere in your limericks: COMPLAINT CELL FORBID QUIRKY BOIL.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random words and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives into adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 24, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 23, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my PLATE-rhyme limerick:

A slacker was caught as he ate,
By the boss, who was rather irate.
His response, when reproved
For blown deadlines? Unmoved:
“Not my fault! I’ve too much on my plate.”

And here’s my CRAFT-themed limerick:

A ship-wrecked young man on a raft
Felt sev’ral strong wind gusts abaft.
He cursed his bad luck,
His life run amok,
And the death of his rickety craft.

And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:

I’m sick of my cell phone co’s quirks.
Its service employees are jerks.
When I called to complain,
Their response was insane:
“Call again with a cell phone that works.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (497)

June 25th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MIKE YOUNG, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My grandchildren gave me a hoe.
How to use it? I just did not know.
So I went to the wall,
Gave my neighbor a call.
The result? A splendiferous show.

Congratulations to GAIL WHITE, who wins the Special TRICK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said a priest when the charges were laid
That he sinned a deal more than he prayed:
“I screw choirboys, yes,
But each night I confess —
It’s one of the tricks of my trade.”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK.

You’ll never know how I miss Pop.
I would sit on his lap and go “plop,”
Till his pacemaker failed.
With his last breath he wailed:
“You’re 30 years old, dammit! Stop!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Gail White, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOW-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One magician, a consummate pro,
Brought the house down. (But where did it go?)
Both his top hat and hare
Vanished into thin air…
And he ended up stealing the show.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOW-RHYME DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

He discredited all former theses
That dealt with the birth of our species.
Darwin managed to show
Evolution is slow.
Other stories are simply bull feces.

Jean McEwen:

The basset hound won best in show,
Although wanting in “get up and go,”
Which had long gone and went.
He got points for his scent.
(Though he stinks, when he sniffs he’s a pro.)

Tim James:

She seduced me (oh boy, what a show)
By removing her clothes nice and slow.
I believed she was drawn
By my good looks and brawn;
Later on I found out she’s a pro.

Terry Marter:

After fun in the back seat with Flo,
He drives back to his flat all aglow.
Then he goes home on Sund’ys
When Mum washes undies…
And prays that the stain doesn’t show.

Mark Totterdell:

Now the deadline’s approaching! Oh no!
I so wanted to give it a go,
But my time’s running out
And I really do doubt
If I’ll have something decent to show.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My husband, “The Great Backwards Abbott”
Has one very curious habit:
In his magic act, he
Will count, “five, four, three,”
Then pull a hat out of a rabbit.

Paul Haebig:

He has a set type, my friend Ben:
He’s always preferred older men.
A silver-haired guy
Puts a gleam in his eye;
Soon he’s up to his old tricks again!

Brian Allgar:

Though the conjurer’s tricks are so neat,
His assistant just can’t make ends meet.
But he’s taught her a lot,
And she really is hot,
So she’s out turning tricks on the street.

Dave Johnson:

The madam has one place to look
And find each appointment she took.
Her ledger has all
Of the clients who call;
She knows ev’ry trick in the book.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A magician revealed an old trick:
“When you’re sawing up ladies, be quick!
If you dawdle when you
Cut assistants in two,
Then one half will be calling in sick.”

Tim James:

What’s a bed trick? You hop into bed
For a roll with your squeeze. But instead,
Someone’s pulled off a switch.
You can’t tell (that’s the hitch.)
You’ve been badly mislaid and misled.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

A failed lawyer lived under a cloud
With a noisy pop-art-loving crowd.
He was caught with a sack,
Stealing shirts (from a rack),
All with colors excessively loud.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Since the walls were so thin in our shack,
I could hear Mom and Pop in the sack.
She’d say loudly, “Go slow!”
Or, “Not there — that’s too low!”
(He must have been scratching her back.)

Tim James:

A beat cop was given the sack
Cause he kept popping out for a snack,
Scarfing doughnuts and pie.
Then he failed to grasp why
In a foot chase he couldn’t do jack.

Dave Johnson:

While hauling a grocery sack,
A loud pop had me taken aback.
That plastic bag’s fail
Made my blood pressure sail;
A lawyer’s about to attack.

Gail White:

My marriage is going off track,
And I can’t get a single dime back
On the settlements signed
When with love I was blind…
So I’m giving my lawyer the sack.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A guy in the sack with his Momma,
After killing his Pop may be drama;
But the tale of Oed Rex
Wasn’t all that complex…
Until Freud turned it into a trauma.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

The Off-Kilter Kiss (Limerick)

June 22nd, 2022

A young fellow sensed something amiss
With wife Fran from her lackluster kiss;
She had downed sev’ral beers,
Then compounded his fears:
“I’m not Fran, but her evil twin sis.”

(“National Kissing Day” falls each year on June 22.)

Musing About My Muse (3-Verse Limerick)

June 16th, 2022

I’ve been trying to write, but in vain;
My muse has escaped from my brain.
It started last night
With a rip-roaring fight,
When I called something “trite and inane.”

“You should give me more credit!” she said.
“I work hard while you’re sleeping in bed.”
I called my muse “greedy,”
“Ill-humored,” and “needy.”
She said, “You’ll be sorry,” then fled.

She was right, for she’s great with a wry line,
And fine at supplying a sly line.
So I’m begging: Come back!
I’ll be nice. No more flak!
But dear muse, you’re not getting a byline!

I Won’t Be Celebrating “Naked Bike Ride Day” (Limerick)

June 11th, 2022

Riding bikes while you’re naked sounds odd,
No matter the shape of your bod.
If you’re nude and ride past,
Kindly pedal by fast.
And do NOT expect ME to applaud!

(World Naked Bike Ride Day is celebrated each year on the second Saturday of June.)

Wedding Interruptus? (Limerick)

June 9th, 2022

“My niece Mary’s a likeable lass
Who, alas, is engaged to an ass.
Though I’ve warned her, ‘Be wary,’
She’s anxious to marry.
What I need is a ‘Hail Mary pass.'”

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate (Limerick)

June 8th, 2022

Said a gal, “Please attend to that fly.”
So her husband looked down to comply.
“But it’s zipped,” he said, bugged.
(Nothing moved when he tugged.)
“You blew it. It flew in my eye.”

(On June 8, Canadians celebrate National Insect Appreciation Day — NAIAD.)

Do You Sanction Contronyms? (Limerick)

June 6th, 2022

Question: If someone says, “I sanction that sanction,” do you know what he means?

The word “sanction’s” an odd term to use
Cuz it’s prone to perplex and confuse.
It can mean an approval…
Or trade-list removal.
In other words: Good or bad news.

An Apt Tag (Limerick)

June 2nd, 2022

When I heard that a neighborhood bum
Had been nicknamed “Free Spirit” by some
Of his pals, I asked “Why
Give that tag to the guy?”
Their response? “He enjoys stealing rum.”

The Upbeat Boy (Limerick)

June 1st, 2022

A glass-half-full youngster named Blair
Had trouble resisting a dare.
If he jumped from on high
And fell down, he di’n’t cry;
He’d proclaim, “I was walking on air.”

Dodging The Dentist (2-Verse Limerick)

May 30th, 2022

Who hasn’t discovered a gap
Where you once had a crown or a cap?
Then you search high and low.
Where the hell did it go?
If you’re lucky, it fell in your lap.

But more likely, it’s gone or destroyed;
Need a new one to fill that damn void.
You’re apparently fucked;
That doc you have ducked
For years must, alas, be employed.

UPDATE – NEW DEADLINE: JUNE 25 Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SHOW at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 25, 2022)

May 28th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SHOW at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TRICKS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TRICKS-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 26, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 25, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SHOW-rhyme limerick:

Though my recall is poor, I don’t mind,
Cuz forgetting can sometimes be kind:
It might “freshen” a show,
Whose plot I should know
From a book that my mem’ry can’t find.

And here’s my TRICKS-themed limerick:

A magician was stressed out and sick.
He needed a remedy — quick:
“I can’t cancel my show!
It’s sold out — ev’ry row.”
A massage and Bordeaux did the trick.

And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:

A lawyer’s been working non-stop
To defend an old fellow — a cop.
But alas, he has failed,
And the cop is now jailed.
Worst of all, that old cop is his pop.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (496)

May 28th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick. (It’s a Triple-Duty Limerick: WIRE-Rhyming, WATER-Themed, and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick, which uses each of the five designated Random Words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, and THINK.)

I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the WATER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Terry Marter:

Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her daughter,
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own tush
Past the crowd, to a bush…
But her tush only passed wind and water.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “RANDOM WORD GENERATOR” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.

That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, James Graff, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Steve Dufour, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz,
Bob Turvey, Konrad Schwoerke, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dane Paulsen,
David Friedman, Tony Holmes, Doug Harris, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder: (Water-Themed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)

When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.

Linda A. C. Fuller: (Wire-Rhymed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)

An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught.
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire;
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WIRE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.

James Graff:

If there’s one thing I really admire,
It’s a man who can walk the high wire.
But I’ll watch from below
As he puts on his show…
And pray that he won’t take a flyer.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?

Brian Allgar:

The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”

Tim James:

Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
’Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”

Steve Dufour:

This world is connected by wire.
Information spreads much like a fire.
But some of it’s fake,
So care we must take;
We mustn’t enable a liar.

Mark Totterdell:

A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.

Fred Bortz:

The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.

Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WATER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Bob Turvey:

On my bottle it says “It’s still water.”
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”

Tim James:

There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yes, ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.

Terry Marter:

I was filming bull sharks (and some blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911,
But my ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and then call the news.”

Dane Paulsen:

My golf drive requires a spotter;
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret,
But my golf shoes get wet.
And the wetter I get, well – the hotter.

Lisi Nortman:

We were finally on the right track.
Couldn’t wait to see dear uncle Jack.
Then I screamed, “Bill, look there!
Something says, “Please Beware!
If this sign’s under water, turn back!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR” LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I will cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
Thinking, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”

David Friedman:

I think you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her shoes
(And her miscreant spouse,
The arrogant louse.)
She’s retired; her son’s now the news.

Tony Holmes:

“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant ‘pistol for hire.’
Getting shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”

Konrad Schwoerke:

If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”

Doug Harris:

The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise.

Gail White:

When I noticed a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.

Mark Totterdell:

He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!

Terry Marter:

The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac; hence,
His voice is now two octaves higher.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Maddening Pings (Limerick)

May 24th, 2022

Weird pings have been driving us mad.
We can’t pinpoint the source. This is bad;
Could be any of eight
Nearby doodads. I hate
Laptops, IPads, cells, Echos! Egad!

Not Celebrating Asparagus (Limerick)

May 24th, 2022

It’s “Asparagus Day.” I’m no fan,
Though of course I’m not pushing a ban.
Why’s “asparagus” tossed
Mid-line, where it’s lost?
I could NOT make it rhyme right or scan.

Not-So-Early Riser (Limerick)

May 23rd, 2022

Get up early for fishing? I’ll yawn
From the thought of awak’ning by dawn.
At the end of the day,
My choice is “No Way!”
I like rising when sunlight’s all gawn.

A Recipe For Trouble (Limerick)

May 21st, 2022

An annoying acquaintance loves roe
And dishes all covered in dough.
He’ll eat beef by the herd
And most any old bird,
But he’ll always refuse to eat crow.

The “Innocent” Punster (Limerick)

May 20th, 2022

A boy was bawled out by the nuns
For his sly use of off-color puns.
But he swore “I’m not punning!”
(The fellow was cunning.)
“Besides baking, just what’s done with buns?”