A Suitable Limerick

December 1st, 2021

Shop online? Have a clothes-buying spree?
It has always seemed risky to me.
But I gave it a try;
Bought some tees on the fly,
And was floored when they fit to a T.

A Knotty Issue (Limerick)

November 30th, 2021

“Though it’s fine that my boyfriend is naughty,
A bit bossy and bad-ass and dotty,
His obsession with bots
Has me tied up in knots.
So I can’t tie the knot with that hottie.”

What’s There To Love About “Chocolates Day?”

November 29th, 2021

In my latest limerick, I condemn yet another holiday:

It is “Chocolates Day.” I decry it!
Only ONE day a year? I don’t buy it!
So let’s sweeten the deal:
“Choc’lates Month” would, I feel,
Surely spice up each meal. Kindly try it.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 11, 2021)

November 27th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CRIME, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRIME-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 12, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 11, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my CRUDE/CREWED/ACCRUED-rhyme limerick:

A comic was starting to freak
Cuz his comedy future looked bleak.
He turned morbid and crude
And increasingly lewd,
And was panned cuz he joked a blue streak.

And here’s my CRIME-themed limerick:

Said the sous-chef, “Don’t make me relive
The attack that killed chef/owner Viv.
I’m exhausted and drained,
And my recall has waned…
Cuz my mem’ry is much like a sieve.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (483)

November 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Santas Barbara, Ana and Cruz
May have charms to delight and amuse,
But for one special quality,
Seasonal jollity,
Claus is the Santa I’d choose.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RETIREMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The rat race is over. I’m done.
Retirement, I’ve found, is more fun.
After thousands of days
Running through that damn maze,
I had to concede. The rats won.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Sue Dulley, Mark Totterdell, Terry Marter, Christine Frier, Tim James, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Doug Harris, Tony Holmes, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUISE or CREWS or CRUSE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If he’d known there’d be watered-down booze;
Rowdy queues at the unisex loos;
Huge overstuffed trunks;
Two castaway skunks —
Noah would have said “no” to the cruise.

Brian Allgar:

We had taken a luxury cruise,
But my friend had drunk far too much booze.
They cried “Man overboard!”
And a ravenous horde
Of white sharks came to check the good news.

David Friedman:

A control on my car labeled ‘Cruise’
Is very intriguing to use:
I press it and ZIP!
I’m there on a ship
With swimming pools, buffets, and booze!

Sue Dulley:

Penélope Cruz and Tom Cruise
Once were partners, I heard on the news.
If he asked her to wed,
Here’s what she may have said:
“Change my name to Cruz-Cruise? I refuse!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A French artist emboldened by booze,
Asked a prostitute out on a cruise.
She replied, “Well, Lautrec —
Oh, hell, what the heck.
I really have nothing to lose.”

Mark Totterdell:

On that ship packed with creatures in twos,
With their bellows and roars, neighs and moos,
And their horrible stink,
I could not sleep a wink.
I’d award just one star to that cruise.

Terry Marter:

Had enough of ‘cool’ jazz in this freeze.
Made some notes to seek tropical breeze.
Got a gig on a cruise
With my horn, – playing blues
And some sizzling high ‘C’s on high seas.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My new beau, who calls couch a divan,
Will remind me, “It’s SKILLET, not pan.”
He says “con job” is ruse,
And a bottle’s a cruse,
Then he swigs all his beer from a can.

Christine Frier:

We were booked on the “Hook’ n High Seas.”
It’s a cruise where crocheting’s the tease.
But the action on cruise,
Was with husband and flooze.
The hooker was hooking high fees.

Tim James:

I met a young gal on a cruise;
She’s a lawyer, a cook, and a flooze.
Yes, this set-up is lame
And this punch line’s the same:
She’s a woman who sues, stews, and screws.

Mark Totterdell:

Sailing south over depths oceanic,
The polar bears realized, in panic,
That the fate of their cruise
Would be major world news,
As their iceberg had hit the Titanic.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RETIREMENT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Byron Miller:

I will never, it seems, be retired;
I guess planning ahead was required.
I lived for enjoyment,
Chose part-time employment —
Hope Walmart soon tells me I’m hired.

Brian Allgar:

I needed the garage’s wares,
And I’d taken my car for repairs.
“Please re-tire this car.”
They replied “Right you are.”
When I went back, they’d sold it for spares!

Lisi Nortman:

This job sure is makin’ me cry.
Can’t wait for my final goodbye.
But the figures now show
That I really can’t go
Till 20 years after I die.

Terry Marter:

There’s no way that I’ll ever retire,
Cuz my debt’s getting higher and higher.
Now I’m feeling the heat
From a loan shark named Pete,
As I leap from the pan to the fire.

Doug Harris:

Retirement? You workers can scoff,
As we creak and we stumble and cough.
But if you examine a
Pensioner’s stamina;
Be impressed – we don’t take a day off!

Brian Allgar:

The hooker had made enough dough,
And she felt a most virtuous glow
When she chose to retire
And join the church choir.
Her fav’rite composer? John Blow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My kinfolk spawned nobody famous
(Who would claim us), except Uncle Amos.
He drew local attention,
Embezz’ling a pension.
So we moved out of town. Can you blame us?

Tony Holmes:

“I was free, at long last, to devote
All my time to restoring my boat.
The expenses surprised
And I’ve now been advised,
‘Get a job – it will keep you afloat.’”

Lisi Nortman:

Retirement! What a great life!
No more hassle, no conflicts, no strife!
The world feels so sweet,
And to make things complete
Tomorrow, I’m leaving my wife.

Steve Benko:

In retirement, what could I do?
But Madeleine, dear, then came you.
My life’s new direction
Is verbal confection;
It’s fun, since it seems I can’t screw.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

AWOL Data (Limerick)

November 24th, 2021

My over-taxed brain is jam-packed
With info and data; in fact,
Input causes displacement
And mem’ry debasement…
So I’m not out to lunch; I’ve been hacked.

Wage Madness (Limerick)

November 22nd, 2021

The driver made such a loud fuss
Over new jitney wages, each cuss
As he bitched about pay
Could be heard blocks away…
So the man was thrown under the bus.

A Hampered Relationship (Limerick)

November 20th, 2021

“Wet clothes in the hamper? That’s foul!”
Said a gal to her spouse, with a scowl.
“What is wrong with you men!?
If you do it again,
I’ll divorce you and throw in the towel.”

The Blathering Botanist (Limerick)

November 20th, 2021

John the botanist’s dull as can be.
His life is a blathering spree.
He ignores all my pleas
To stop shooting the breeze,
And can talk all the bark off a tree.

A Sardonic Bloke (Limerick)

November 17th, 2021

An angry, sardonic young bloke
Lost his job and was utterly broke.
He tried standup, but failed
To get laughs, so he bailed.
Yelled the ‘comic,’ “You can’t take a joke!”

It’s Mouse Day! (Limerick)

November 17th, 2021

Today we must honor the mouse.
Not the rodent, of course, or I’d grouse.
It’s the patent-grant day
For the mouse-gizmo. Yay!
(For a rodent, I’d rope in my spouse.)

(On Nov 17, 1970, Douglas Engelbart was granted the patent for the first computer mouse.)

Limerick Ode To The Horse

November 16th, 2021

Happy “Horse Appreciation Day!” (November 16)

I wouldn’t dare ride on a horse.
My back couldn’t take it, of course.
But please do not feast
On that beautiful beast.
Eat horse-meat? Then brace to face force.

A Clarinet Tale (Limerick)

November 16th, 2021

Happy “World Clarinet Day!” (November 16)

A woman who played clarinet,
Used vibrato; I’ll never forget,
Cuz the maestro freaked out;
“You’re ousted!”– his shout.
Now she can’t get a gig on a bet.

(For those unfamiliar with the clarinet vibrato issue, clarinet vibrato is generally considered a symphony orchestra no-no, but it’s used in jazz and klezmer music. However, when a symphony orchestra plays something with a jazz influence, such as Gershwin, the occasional exception is made.)

Are Drums Humdrum? (Limerick)

November 15th, 2021

Just in time for “National Drummer Day!” (November 15)

A kazoo’s used to alter your humming
With a dull, buzzy drone that’s mind-numbing.
So I’m NOT a big fan,
But won’t call for a ban,
Cuz at least it’s less irksome than drumming.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Cruise or Crews or Cruse at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: November 27, 2021)

November 14th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Cruise or Crews or Cruse at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Retirement, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Retirement-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on November 28, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 27, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my CRUISE or CREWS or CRUSE-rhyme limerick:

My muse often gives me the blues.
When I ask her for help, she’ll refuse.
She’ll mock me and roast me
And frequently ghost me.
She’s AWOL right now — on a cruise.

And here’s my RETIREMENT-themed limerick:

“It is best to acknowledge the truth
And retire; you’re way past your youth,”
Said a gal to her spouse,
Who’s a dentist. “Don’t grouse!
Just face facts: You are long in the tooth.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (482)

November 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A musically gifted Italian
Was a farmer who won a medallion
For a novel technique
Of marketing leek,
Which earned him the title “rapscallion.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special COMPLAINT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A couple were bitchin’ and moanin’
That airplanes they’d recently flown in
Had rest rooms so cramped
That they thoroughly damped
Expectations of aerial bonin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Diane Groothuis, Bob Turvey, Dane Paulsen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Christine Frier, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, David Friedman, Mark Totterdell, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LEAK or LEEK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COMPLAINT LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

My toilet continues to leak,
And the neighbours complain of the reek.
But the plumber can’t come,
He has broken his thumb,
So we’re calling our bathroom “Shit Creek.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAK or LEEK”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Roger Haugen:

A camper on break took a leak
In an outhouse made wholly of teak;
He finished his whizz–
“What a nice place this is!”
And stayed there the rest of the week.

Diane Groothuis:

A woman whose taste was unique,
Collected all objects antique.
While in Paris she got
A crystal piss pot,
So she now takes a leak in Lalique.

Bob Turvey:

A woman who fancied a Greek,
Stole into his garden last week.
He said, “I can see
You are taking a pea.”
And she said, “No. I’m taking a leek.”

Dane Paulsen:

My mustache is wide and quite thick,
So the corners aren’t easy to lick.
When it’s freezing and bleak
And my nose starts to leak,
My stache-cycles hang past my dick.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s true, I can’t swallow a leek;
It could stay in my mouth for a week.
This practice is fine
When in private I dine,
But in public, it takes too much cheek.

Brian Allgar:

Our cat ate my goldfish, the sneak!
But I fooled the damned pussy this week.
She caught one again,
Took one bite, yowled with pain –
I’d bought a glass fish by Lalique.

Lisi Nortman:

For vichyssoise, here’s my technique:
Potatoes, of course, at their peak.
Chicken broth and some cream,
Then imagine a stream
To remember you must add a leek.

Brian Allgar:

I was making some bubble-and-squeak,
When my wife said “I wish you would speak
In a less vulgar way!”
I had happened to say
“There’s no cabbage – I’ll just take a leek.”

Terry Marter:

As the planet gets hotter each summer,
Pollies spew CO2 and seem dumber.
It’s the bullshit they speak,
While they silently leak
More methane. We’re doomed!– What a bummer!

Mark Totterdell:

Cock-a-Leekie’s no cause for submission
To the care of a trusted clinician.
It’s a soup that’s unique,
Made from chicken and leek,
Not an older man’s penile condition.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Upon testing the broth, Chef cried, “Eek!
Who among you has made my soup reek?!”
When the whole stinking mess
Then got spilled to the press,
Although pressed, none confessed to the leek.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COMPLAINTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

A concupiscent woman named Trask
Took her clueless young boyfriend to task:
“You don’t know very much
About where you should touch.
If you need some directions, just ask!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When a guy likes to argue and wrangle
Over topics too vague to untangle,
If he claims his mystique
Stems from being oblique,
You can bet he’s a guy with an angle.

Dave Johnson:

She said to the manager, Shane:
“I am not really one to complain,
But your wait-staffer spilled
As my wine glass was filled;
And gave me the look of this stain.”

Christine Frier:

To get an appointment, it’s weeks?
My body has creaks, and it squeaks.
The complaint that’s the worst,
I should have said first.
That e-ver-y orifice leaks!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A stoic was hit by a train,
Then dragged through the rain by a chain,
Limbs askew, black and blue,
He was asked “How are you?”
His simple reply: “Can’t complain.”

Rudy Landesman:

My beagle named Bagel won’t fetch.
She’s just a cantankerous wretch.
All day in the park
She’ll sit there and bark.
Oy vey! Where’d that bitch learn to kvetch?

Lisi Nortman:

Thanksgiving is coming; it’s wise
To avoid all those real yummy pies.
If you don’t, you will whine,
“Though the sweets were divine,
They seem to have fused with my thighs.”

Terry Marter:

“I’m a man of few words: You’re a HON!
Let’s have sex now – I want you – a ton!”
After one moment’s pause
She said “My place or yours?”
He said “Quibbling!? – Forget it! – I’m Done!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Trick or Treat” at our neighborhood coven
Is the day for their annual love-in.
But one hitch makes me bitch —
It’s that witch with the glitch
Always itching to light up the oven.

Tony Holmes:

“I am loath to complain…, but here goes:
I object to you picking your nose.
Avoid contact with snout
When you’re peeling a sprout,
And the same holds for picking your toes.”

David Friedman:

A sad married couple from Sonnet
Sought couns’ling to do work upon it:
“I know,” the man said,
“Her complaint is in bed,
But I can’t put my finger quite on it.”

Terry Marter, for his “Philosophical Physics Test”

An imagin’ry eel’s dropped in batter:
Find displacement and calculate spatter.
Don’t ‘Ethics’ appeal.
This eel isn’t real;
It will writhe and will reel, – but won’t “matter.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The complaint is an art and a science,
A lackluster form of defiance.
So go find your victim,
Deliver your dictum,
Then pester him into compliance.

Rudy Landesman:

I’d booked an exotic vacation
At a gay S&M destination.
But damn! What a bummer!
They shut down last summer.
Gotta settle for self-flagellation.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Yet Another Hairy Limerick

November 11th, 2021

A pissed patron returned to Pierre’s
And demanded free haircut repairs:
“Your stylist destroyed
My look. Fire Floyd!”
The reply? “Kindly stop splitting hairs.”

(Hairstylist Appreciation Day is April 25, and National Hair Day is October 1.)

Limerick Ode To Science

November 10th, 2021

A silly limerick to celebrate “World Science Day.” (November 10)

I’m bewildered by scholarly articles
About physics and virtual particles.
Since I’m dense about science,
I’m prone to reliance
On lim’ricks to bolster my smarticles.

Longing For A Bong (Limerick)

November 10th, 2021

Happy Bong Day! (November 10)

A singer who longed for a bong
(Though it’s bad for her voice and so wrong)
Called a seller she knew.
They met up at the zoo,
Where a bongload was bought for a song.

The Shiftless Chef (Limerick)

November 9th, 2021

The restaurateur was irate
Cuz his chef was, as usual, late.
“You must clean up your act,
Or expect to be sacked.
It’s time you step up to the plate!”