Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: at the end of any one line CORE or CORPS or DÉCOR

December 1st, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CORE or CORPS or DÉCOR at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SPICE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best spice-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 16, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 15, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

This drink was a very “light pour.”
If you’d like to be paid, pour me more!
Here’s my other complaint
Which is likely to taint
Your review: piss-poor taste in décor.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (311)

December 1st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The game has the Vikings and Bears.
Who’s winning? Seems nobody cares.
The guys are in bunches;
I’d say that my hunch is:
At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special THEFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

This section of town’s gettin’ tough,
And frankly, I’ve just had enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Listen here thug:
Rob the neighbors. They’ve much better stuff.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, David Reddekopp, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PAIRS” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who notes that this is fiction:

I fell from the top of the stairs,
And my body’s in need of repairs.
But I still found the time
To come up with this rhyme.
Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.

Tim James:

Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
All misfortunes, you see,
Come in batches of three,
While the best things in life come in pairs.

Dave Johnson:

They used to grow apples and pears,
Filling grocery bins with their wares.
Now they’re serving us well
In this Trumpian spell;
With vineyards that drown all our cares.

Tony Holmes

It seems life likes to do things in twos,
Though exceptions abound to confuse.
Buns and boobs come in pairs,
As do hands: It all squares.
Evolution? Or planning – but whose?

Kirk Miller:

At the nudist camp, manager Fred
Said, “When walking, please carefully tread.
They are making repairs
On the sidewalk and stairs.”
“Please bare with us,” warning signs read.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THEFT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

What’s important to Trump is the deal,
And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
It would really be nice
If his theft had a price –
Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

It seems that Viagra was stolen
By crooks who are mainly Angolan.
The newspaper said:
“Cops are full steam ahead
And looking for thieves who are swollen.”

Sharon Neeman:

A stripper with pasties and patch
Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
But a tale-bearing snitch
Went and told on the bitch,
And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!

David Reddekopp:

She had beauty right down to an art
And she caused all my breath to depart.
“She is gorgeous,” I said,
And at that, I dropped dead,
For the woman had stolen my heart!

Dave Johnson:

A pickpocket fled from the bar;
He tried running, but failed to get far.
They ended the chase
In a parking lot space;
Seems someone had stolen his car.

David Friedman:

There once was a cold-hearted thief
Who only caused heartache and grief.
The worst thing he stole
Was our great nation’s soul,
And that’s our Commander in Chief.

Dave Johnson:

A burglar was just apprehended
In a manner that’s not recommended.
The loot had been stashed
In a trunk that was mashed;
His car was first chased then rear-ended.

Fred Bortz:

He copied and pasted the text
To submit to the Prof as his next
Class writing assignment.
But each stolen line meant
His teacher was thoroughly vexed.

Tim James:

A boy, an unlikable geek,
Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
He got busted. His dad
Whupped his ass pretty bad.
(I could hardly sit down for a week.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

More Life With Mark And Madeleine

November 26th, 2018

Mark: Alexa says it isn’t going to rain.

Madeleine: Alexa needs to get out more.

*****

Mark: I’m going to reformat and re-post “Life With Mark and Madeleine” of yours from last year.” Is that ok?

Madeleine: Be careful about wearing out your welcome.

Mark: But it was very popular! I’m gonna do it.

Madeleine: Whatever…

Mark: Thanks for your permission.

Madeleine: It wasn’t permission. It was a sigh of helplessness and hopelessness.

*****

Life With Mark and Madeleine:

Madeleine: We have to throw out your Romaine lettuce.

Mark: Why?

Madeleine: There’s another E. coli scare.

Mark: Damn! I just had Romaine in my Greek salad.

Madeleine: How’s your stomach.

Mark: Fine … until now.

*****

Mark: Did you know you can ask Alexa to tell you a story?

Madeleine: I hear enough stories from you.

*****

Madeleine: Are we in the middle of a “Masters Of Sex” episode?

Mark: No, we finished it.

Madeleine: What’s the last thing you remember?

Mark: Finishing it.

*****

Madeleine: “Alexa, bake one potato.”

Alexa: “Hmmm, I don’t know that.”

Madeleine: That’s because you aren’t a microwave.

Mark: Don’t be mean to Alexa!

*****

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line

November 17th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to THEFT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best THEFT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 2, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 1, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

It appears that my car needs repairs;
From the noise, you would swear that some bears
Are marauding inside,
Which ain’t good for the ride…
And impairs surreptitious affairs.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (310)

November 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said a personal ad that was placed
By a woman some claimed was unchaste:
“They think I’m immoral
But I’m only oral
With men of impeccable taste.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FOOTWEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I have heard of a cat (Russian Blue)
Who would frequently pee in a shoe.
If I got one for Trump,
Could I teach it to dump?
He deserves solid Russian gifts, too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLACED” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

When in public she’s very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But in secret, she gloats
Over sowing wild oats.
Is her guilt for those urges displaced?

Sharon Neeman:

Roasting turkey? Use whiskey to baste
(Not the bird, but the guests) till well laced.
Please believe me: when high,
They won’t know the bird’s dry,
And your trust in me won’t be misplaced.

Tim James:

A woman preferred to stay chaste
Before marriage. She therefore replaced
Standard nookie with head.
What’s the news from her bed?
Word of mouth: she’s a gal of good taste.

Brian Allgar:

“The Balkans or Baltics, who cares?
That war happened,” the Donald declares.
“So I got them misplaced?
Well, it’s gotta be faced,
They’re all BALs, so the fault must be theirs.”

Tony Holmes:

As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we disgraced?

David Friedman:

I fear we are currently faced
With an earth that will soon be replaced
With poisonous waves
That waft past our graves
Of toxic industrial waste.

Sharon Neeman:

“I’m ruined,” she whispered, white-faced;
“The horse that I backed was outpaced!
My Little Miss Muffet
Came second — oh, stuff it!
Two million to win, and Miss placed.”

Tim Gray:

I tripped and by accident placed
My hand on an Arab girl’s waist.
And you should have heard ’er;
She screamed bloody murder.
By her father and brother I’m chased.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My life is a damn total waste;
All the money I stole has been traced.
So I’m running amok,
And the “L” in my luck
With an “F” has been surely replaced.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOTWEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Her stilettos were stunning. What’s more,
She had fine thigh-high boots by the score.
I was truly obsessed
By the way that she dressed ―
Because footwear was all that she wore.

Lisi Nortman:

New shoes always play a great role
In something called Sadness Control.
Though they won’t change your life,
When you’re feeling some strife
They do wonders for lifting your sole.

Margie Nairn:

In order to dance like Astaire,
Your feet must feel lighter than air.
It’s all in the shoes,
So be sure that you choose
A stylish but comfortable pair.

David Friedman:

There once was a wealthy young gopher
Who lived in Shaquille O’Neal’s loafer.
He said, “I can go
From the heel to the toe,
But only if I call the chauffeur.”

Fred Bortz:

He punted from where it was slick,
Caught his cleats, broke his leg like a stick.
While his fracture was healing,
They asked, “How ya feeling?”
“Pretty good,” he replied. “I can’t kick.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Facebook Outage Panic (Limerick)

November 12th, 2018

When Facebook is down, people panic
And often become rather manic.
Some report it to Twitter,
Whose regulars titter
At our Facebook addiction Satanic.

Limerick Ode To Stout Day (1st Thursday of November)

November 1st, 2018

While I don’t drink stout (or any sort of beer, ale, lager, etc.) I couldn’t resist celebrating “International Stout Day” with a limerick:

A patient whose ailment was gout,
Was informed that he drank too much stout.
The fellow turned pale,
As he yelled “I need ale!
“Downing beer is what living’s about.”

Limerick Ode To Internet Day (October 29)

October 29th, 2018

Is the Net good or bad at its core?
For it’s frequently hard to adore.
But on “Internet Day”
All in all, I must say
That it DOES make us hard to ignore.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLACED or MISPLACED OR REPLACED or DISPLACED at the end of any one line

October 27th, 2018

UPDATE!!! ANNOUNCEMENT: DUE TO FAMILY OBLIGATIONS, I MUST POSTPONE THE DEADLINE FOR THIS LIMERICK-OFF BY ONE WEEK. THE NEW DEADLINE IS SAT. NOV. 17. RESULTS TO BE POSTED ON NOV. 18. MY APOLOGIES!

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLACED or MISPLACED OR REPLACED or DISPLACED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FOOTWEAR, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FOOTWEAR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on November 11, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 10, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A fellow with terrible taste
Always purchased his clothing in haste.
He lacked passion for fashion,
Yet swore he looked dashin’…
His self-confidence sadly misplaced.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (309)

October 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A hacker of criminal bent
Pilfered money wherever he went.
Cyber bloodhounds gave chase,
But this guy was an ace ―
And he left them with nary a (s)cent.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special GAMBLING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Online poker was making me bold,
And I thought I knew just when to fold
Up until my sweet spouse
Cried “There’s SNOW in the house!”
Then I realized my luck had gone cold.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Tim James, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, Margie Nairn, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCENT, SENT, or CENT” RHYME DIVISION)

Michael Moulton:

A man on a peak in a tent
Was a happily bean-eating gent.
But he fouled all the air,
Which was thin way up there;
Left him craving a rapid de-scent.

Tim James:

A communist wanted to rent
A young whore till his urges were spent.
But this hard-working doxy
Showed free-market moxie
And took him for ev’ry Red cent.

David Friedman:

Sherlock Holmes, peering down with back bent
Said, “Watson, I’m hot on the scent!”
But Watson said, “Rot!
I rather think not.
You just walked into soggy cement!”

Sharon Neeman:

I never will give my consent
To “infer” when “imply” is what’s meant,
“There” for “their,” “then” for “than,”
“Cant” for “can’t,” “may” for “can,”
Or a tab for a first line indent.

Dave Johnson:

The preacher yells “You must repent!
Damnation shall mark your descent!”
But salvation is not
His intention or thought;
These “sinners” keep paying the rent.

Dale S. Biggs:

A skunk doesn’t stink, but its spray
Keeps the skunk from becoming fair prey.
With a nasty, rank scent
From a gland they can vent
They’re the masters of all they survey!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAMBLING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Joe’s luck at casinos in Reno
Has run dry, and that new palomino
That he liked at the track
Has now started to slack.
All he’s left with to play’s online Keno.

Brian Allgar:

“If he wins, I shall eat it!” I spat.
“Trump’s a moron, a spoiled, ageing brat!”
Today, I am rueing
My wager, still chewing
That huge, indigestible hat.

Tony Holmes:

“It’s a dead cert’!” he said of the horse.
I believed him and backed it, of course.
Dead was right! Lost my shirt,
Which, I promise you, hurt,
But not nearly as much as divorce.

Sharon Neeman:

MBS’s accounts all ring hollow,
And each version is harder to swallow.
Though I don’t often wager
On anything major,
I’ll bet there’s more bullshit to follow.

Ken Gosse:

He gambled that he could make sense
Of a string of unlucky events,
But the dots on his dice
Like the best men and mice
Went awry. (Not the kind that ferments.)

Tim James:

His casinos went bankrupt. This lout
Is a screw-up, without any doubt.
He’s incompetent, vain.
It’s increasingly plain
That we, as a nation, crapped out.

Margie Nairn:

My father would stop off for gambling;
On his way home from work he was rambling.
His money was spent
Down to every last cent,
So for rent we would always be scrambling.

Kirk Miller:

For people like me, there’s no doubt
That the gambling wheel carries much clout.
When I play, if I lose
Lots of cash, I may choose
To gamble more. Don’t roulette out.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest

Pining For Spines (Limerick)

October 16th, 2018

This has nothing to do with World Spine Day (Oct. 16,) but it DOES include the word “spine.” That should count for something, right?

When I try to read e-books, I pine
For the texture of paper and spine.
I can see their appeal,
But for me there’s no deal,
And I cherish my library/shrine.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCENT, SENT, or CENT at the end of any one line

October 14th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCENT, SENT, or CENT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GAMBLING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GAMBLING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 28, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 27, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

The Republican Party is bent
And broken; its rapid descent
Into evil’s been led
By Trump. It’s in bed
With a “gent” who has much to repent.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (308)

October 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the sack with an insecure guy,
She gave voice to a rapturous cry:
“You’ve a huge, awesome dick!”
It’s just part of her shtick:
When she lays, she relies on a lie.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins the Special TOOL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I bought some new scissors. The packet
Was rigidly sealed. What a racket!
I tried – what a joke!
All my fingernails broke,
And I needed some scissors to crack it!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ailsa McKillop, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Alan Webb, Judith H. Block, Lisi Nortman, Kathleen Bartoletti, Sharon Neeman, Bruce Alter, Dave Johnson, Ken Gosse, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRY” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Unfair!” the Republicans cry.
“Judge Kavanaugh’s our kind of guy!
Young Brett didn’t do it,
But if he did, screw it –
All boys will be boys when they’re high.”

Ailsa McKillop:

There’s a scurry; I stifle a cry.
In one second I’m yards (or well-nigh)
From the eight-legged beast —
Like lightning when greased!
In extremis, I’m really quite spry.

Thomas Vincent:

Christine has now sullied my name.
The media’s tarred me with shame.
So now I must cry,
And tell the big lie,
That Hillary Clinton’s to blame.

Tim James:

She refused to go out with me. Why?
’Cause she wants a more masculine guy.
She cut right to the quick,
Said I act like a chick.
Now excuse me. I need a good cry.

Alan Webb:

There are those who will heave a great sigh
Or, possibly, loudly decry
And come down on with hammer
The use of bad grammar
Committed by someone like I.

Judith H. Block:

When guilty, play “God card” and cry,
Shout and sniffle to cover your lie.
We don’t have to look far
To perceive what you are:
Just a callous, entitled white guy.

Lisi Nortman:

I never had sex with a guy
Till I married last eighth of July.
When he showed me his stuff,
My decision was tough:
Should I laugh or just break down and cry?

Kathleen Bartoletti:

’Twas a warm summer night, star-lit sky;
Urgent pleas in the dark, then a cry
As a spotlight uncovers
Two near-naked lovers
On the grass — and a cop standing by.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOL LIMERICK DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If you listened to all that he said,
And his words didn’t fill you with dread,
If you think Brett’s a saint,
I’m afraid that you ain’t,
The sharpest damn tool in the shed.

Sharon Neeman:

My dad said, “I’ll teach you two rules:
Number one: never buy shoddy tools.
Number two: don’t misuse!
Using hammers on screws
Or a cent for a fuse is for fools.”

Bruce Alter:

The plumber worked hard with her wrench
To cut off the toilet pipe stench,
But stopped to hit Fred
With the wrench on his head,
Because he kept calling her “wench.”

Tim James:

The slide rule? It no longer rules.
Carbon paper? Used only by fools.
Such things are, to me,
Like today’s GOP:
A collection of outdated tools.

Dave Johnson:

A tailgater – massively rude;
One finger was seen to protrude.
He flew by on the right,
Then a flashing blue light;
And that’s when that driver was screwed.

Ken Gosse:

There are times that I cry in my sleep,
When I think of that jerk and his veep,
Because highly paid fools
With their rules and their tools
Have failed to get rid of that creep.

David Friedman:

There once was a screwdriver, Phillip
Who screwed lots of screws but was still up
So, wanting some more,
He searched through the drawer,
And decided that he’d hit the drill up.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Spammer Correspondence

October 9th, 2018

Dear Nicco (or Flora; you appear confused about your name.)

Thanks for your email offering to “optimize” my site and fix its “technical errors.”

But since your missive begins “Hi Nicco,” (you’re also befuddled by MY name) I’m pretty sure you aren’t the Nicco/Flora for the job.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRY or DECRY at the end of any one line

September 29th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRY or DECRY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TOOLS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TOOL-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 14, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 13, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

There are limerick writers whose brow
Is as low as a pub will allow.
Tasteful others reach high
And at times will decry
Evil acts, broken vows, harmful chow.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (307)

September 29th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

There are those who’d resuscitate coal.
It’s a silly, illusory goal
Which we need (as is said)
Like a hole in the head ―
From the folks with their heads in a hole.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCHOOL SUPPLIES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She’s teaching a pole-dancing class;
Her students are grasping with sass.
They’re shinning to slide
And learning to ride
A skinny but tall piece of brass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Ailsa McKillop, Jim Gallagher, Byron Miller, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOLE or WHOLE” RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

“This shoe making’s taking its toll,”
Said the cobbler. “I’m deep in the hole.
I’ve got boots on the shelf,
And old Satan himself,
Refuses to buy any sole.”

Ailsa McKillop:

I will beg, I will plead and cajole,
But knowing I lack self-control,
Keep the Mars bar (in batter
Deep-fried) from my platter,
Or else I’ll devour it whole.

Jim Gallagher:

The typical internet troll
May find it exceedingly droll
To be callous and crass
And then laugh off his ass,
But the sum of his parts is a hole.

Byron Miller:

Finding “women of size” to cajole,
Was a certain young Romeo’s goal;
He was totally sold
On exploring each fold,
In his quest for the ultimate hole.

Tim James:

A mare had decided to troll
Her lead stallion, who swallowed it whole.
“I’m afraid, stud, I’m late;
It’s your child I await.”
It was all a big joke. April Foal!

Sharon Neeman:

Asked the cop, “Why’re you diggin’ that hole?”
Sighed his neighbor, “For Ma… rest her soul.”
“For your Ma?” “Yep, she’s dead.”
“Gosh, what happened?” “She said
‘I’ll be damned if I let you go bowl!’”

Tony Holmes:

Does the grind of each day take its toll?
Are you living in fear for your soul?
There’s a cure that restores;
Buy a pair of plus-fours
And try getting that ball to the hole.

Lisi Nortman:

Oh Boy! We were on a great roll;
Three times in one night! (Bless his Soul.)
Way back in the day,
We sure knew how to play,
But now, he just can’t find that hole.

Brian Allgar:

“I’m the greatest the world ever knew!
Number 1 among Presidents – true!”
But he speaks though a hole
That expresses his soul,
So he constantly spews Number 2.

Fred Bortz:

When dividing the whole is the goal
Of a chemist, he counts by the mole.
But if you’re baking doughnuts
This fact makes you go nuts:
You can’t make a half of a hole.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCHOOL SUPPLIES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Once paper and pencils and glue
Kept kids hushed for an hour or two.
Now teachers can’t cope
With the slippery slope
Of “I’ve got the new iPhone! Do you?”

Dave Johnson:

They met on a gallery walk
And went to a café to talk.
She thought he was nice
And texted him twice;
But he was just blackboard – no chalk.

Sharon Neeman:

Can you sell me some motorized shoes?
I need something stronger to use;
Forty kids in my classes
Are too many asses
To kick with my old Jimmy Choos.

Tim James:

I’ve done what most teachers will do:
Bought supplies so my kids muddle through.
If it helps, though, I ― HEY!
PUT THAT CELL PHONE AWAY!
Here’s the thing I can’t buy them: a clue.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

National Cooking Day Haiku

September 25th, 2018

My cooking’s so bad,
Hubby Mark begs me not to,
Signed CIA grad.

(The arts CIA — NOT the culinary … or spy one.)

 

A Belated Happy Punctuation Day!

September 25th, 2018

 

Damn! I missed "Punctuation Day" yesterday.Next year, I'll try to be more punctual.

Posted by Madeleine Begun Kane on Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Yet Another World Rhino Day Limerick

September 22nd, 2018

There once was a newlywed rhino
Who discovered her mate was a wino.
“We’re endangered,” she’d curse.
“Your damn wine makes it worse!”
“White wine’s fine,” he replied. “I’m albino.”

(My first rhino limerick is here. It’s included in the International Poetry Anthology For Rhino in a Shrinking World.)

Happy World Rhino Day! (September 22)

Limerick Ode To Emmy Award Watching

September 17th, 2018

I’ll be viewing the Emmys tonight,
Though I don’t have a dog in that fight
(Or a cat, for that matter.)
I’ll watch all the chatter
And hope the hosts’ patter has bite.