Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST at the end of any one line

February 17th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HAIR, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HAIR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 4, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 3, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Ev’ry day I succumb to distractions
And lose track of my plans and transactions.
I’ll jot notes, make a list,
But frustrations persist;
For instance, don’t make me do fractions.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (292)

February 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m skinny, a virtual rail,
And I tip one-fifteen on the scale.
People say, “You should eat!
Try some wholesome white meat!”
But at chicken and turkey I quail.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Winter Olympics-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The judge from each country inspects
Every move that the couple selects
For their dance on the ice.
So they heed this advice:
You can win if you simulate sex.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Bob Dvorak, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Nancy Stanley, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Scott Crowder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIL/DERAIL RHYME DIVISION)

Craig Dykstra:

Please forgive me a bit while I rail
’Bout this nasty new veggie called kale.
But I cook mine in oil,
So it takes much less toil
To scrape from the pan to the pail.

Sue Dulley:

A towel may hang on a rail.
A picture may hang on a nail.
When you’re in your car
Driving home from the bar,
A police car may hang on your tail.

Brian Allgar:

On a windy day, out for a sail,
The Donald fell over the rail.
Well, the sharks came to sniff,
But they all took one whiff
And then fled from this foul-smelling whale.

Craig Dykstra:

He got caught making love with a male
And got run out of town on a rail.
Their affair was taboo,
But what else can you do
When in love with a poodle named Dale?

Bob Dvorak:

They don’t do “it” while traveling by rail,
Nor on airplanes, nor under a sail.
Says the woman, with woe,
“In and out? To and fro?
Proper motion gets lost in the male.”

Mike Moulton:

Donald Trump likes to rant and to rail
’Bout UrAsia’s uranium sale,
But it’s simply bad acting
In hopes of distracting
His base with another tall tale.

Sharon Neeman:

Allow me a moment to rail:
Doritos is way off the trail.
Launching quieter chips
For the ladies’ sweet lips
Is a sexist, predictable fail.

Nancy Stanley:

Yes, we’re all getting used to the tale:
The Prez thinks he’s SO ‘Alpha Male.’
But from his tweeting fingers,
There’s no doubt that lingers;
His crazy train’s gonna derail.

Dave Johnson:

When hiking, we know of a trail
So steep, they provided a rail.
It’s handy and nice;
Such a thoughtful device,
If you hate sliding down on your tail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER OLYMPICS LIMERICK DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

The officials won’t cut any slack;
If you cheat, you’ll be catching some flack.
You’re a dope if you dope
And you haven’t a hope.
And your medal? Well, nope, give it back!

Scott Crowder:

The skaters will glide on the ice,
Routines well-rehearsed and precise,
And we shall embrace,
All the beauty and grace.
Yet, ev’ry four years will suffice.

Sharon Neeman:

Here’s a Winter O. sports list for me:
Drinking contests — hot chocolate and tea;
Carpool driving in hail;
Dash through snow for the mail;
Pairs of socks worn at once (I’ve scored three!)

Tim James:

The Olympic to-do won’t abate;
To the hype, though, I just can’t relate.
They can luge, sled and ski,
But it means naught to me.
When it comes on the telly, I skate.

Sue Dulley’s Slopestyle:

Your snowboard must glide down a rail
And then over a cliff-edge you sail.
With your mitt you must grip
Your board’s edge; spin and flip,
Neatly land without fail, then exhale.

Dave Johnson:

Last winter and how it was spent:
The snow always came – never went.
Our shovels we’d fill,
But the driveway was still
A downhill Olympic event.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RAIL or DERAIL at the end of any one line

February 3rd, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RAIL or DERAIL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to the WINTER OLYMPICS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WINTER OLYMPICS-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 18, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 17, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

I frequently travel by rail
And would rather ride trains than set sail,
Cuz a train was the place
Where I first saw the face
Of my husband … plus torso and tail.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (291)

February 3rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

If I thought I might want to expend
Tons of cash on a porn star, I’d fend
Off that notion tout de suite.
By my wife I’d get beat,
And on Twitter I’d doubtlessly trend.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Impatience-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You buttonhole me in the queue
And boast of the wonders of you —
But frankly, my dear,
I’m in no mood to hear,
For I’m dying to go to the loo.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Gary Henderson, David Reddekopp, Michael Moulton, Kirk Miller, Perry Plouff, Brian Allgar, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PENNED” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

He told her he had to expend
Some “quality time” with a friend.
Her answer was snide:
“Were you staying inside,
Then falling asleep in the end?”

Sharon Neeman:

“He’s a writer,” you say of your… “friend” —
But what has he actually penned?
You clothe him and feed him
And think that you need him.
He’s mooching! Wise up! Make it end!

Gary Henderson:

The Donald asked Stormy to bend,
And to lift up her ample rear end.
“I’ll be happy to try,”
She said with a sigh,
“Once you take off that yellow Depend.”

David Reddekopp:

So now that I’m older, I tend
To lose my shit, out my rear end.
And since there’s a chance
That I’ll poop in my pants,
That means on Depends I depend.

Mike Moulton:

Donald Trump, from the tweets that you’ve penned,
It is clear you think Putin’s our friend.
When he hacked our election,
He got an erection,
And we all get screwed in the end.

Kirk Miller:

Read a book Chubby Checker had penned,
Recommended to me by a friend.
It’s a mystery, so
I suppose you should know
That the book has a twist at the end.

Perry Plouff:

And so now I’m obliged to defend
All the poems I never have penned.
I can’t think of a rhyme
For the rhyme word this time,
So my rhyming is now at an end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (IMPATIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

This tailgater thought he could say:
“Hey buddy, get outta my way!”
My foot disagreed;
An appropriate speed
Is causing him further delay.

Brian Allgar:

The voters impatiently wait
For their country again to be great.
But despite what Trump said,
It’s a shithole instead –
If you vote for shit, shit is your fate.

David Reddekopp:

They’re taking their time, and I worry
Whose favor do I have to curry?
I would hate to be late
For my date – I can’t wait!
O God, grant me patience, but hurry!

Tim James:

For the mafia doc things are bleak,
And he’s now in a high state of pique.
It’s the local D.A.’s
That have caused this malaise:
They’ve been trying his patients all week.

Dave Johnson:

“Get going!” he yells at the cars;
“What’s taking so long?” in the bars.
If the future were here,
He’d probably sneer:
“Too slow!” on a shuttle to Mars.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Happy “Clashing Clothes Day!” (Limerick)

January 25th, 2018

Happy “Clashing Clothes Day!” (4th Thursday of January)

Said a gal to her spouse, with a frown:
“Tell me, why are you dressed like a clown?
Orange jacket? Green shirt?
Purple pants? My eyes hurt!
Just this once, can’t you wear solid brown?”

#ClashingClothesDay #NationalClashingClothesDay

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line

January 21st, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to IMPATIENCE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best IMPATIENCE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 4, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 3, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my “penned” limerick:

“My regrets, but I can not attend,”
Reads each answer, both emailed and penned.
Not one guest for my bash!
So my dream turns to ash.
Will this nightmare of mine never end?

And here’s my impatience-themed limerick:

As I wait and I wait and I wait,
I am thrust beyond merely irate.
what is taking so long?
Did my muse smoke a bong?
Seems a punchline-less lim’rick’s my fate.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (290) (UPDATED)

January 21st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:

A fellow was trying to steal
A kiss (and much more) from Lucille.
Though he coaxed and cajoled,
It just didn’t take hold.
In his spiel she found little appeal.

Well, he’s only sixteen. My own line
At that age wasn’t polished or fine.
I remember the urge
When those hormones would surge…
STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU SWINE!

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TEEN-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:

Roy Moore has a craving for teens;
Oh, the charm of those tight little jeans
On the sweetly pubescent!
He’s always tumescent,
And getting his under-age greens.

“I’ve been libelled by sick magazines,”
He insists. “So I go for fourteens?
‘Let the little kids cum’,
Jesus said. I ain’t dumb –
That’s what true Christianity means.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Konrad Schwoerke, Fred Bortz, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STEAL/STEEL” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A welder who lived in Mobile,
Was known for his fingers of steel.
When lovers were bruised
From his fondles, he mused:
“I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel.”

Sharon Neeman:

If I were a robot of steel,
I wouldn’t eat chicken or veal.
Plugged in for an hour,
I’d rest and re-power.
Electrons: the true vegan meal.

Steve Whitred:

A dossier authored by Steele
Could confirm that collusion was real
But the part on page three
Where those women go wee
Made the FSB laugh in a peal.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Take a hair, and at most, I might squeal,
But a kidney’s a much bigger deal.
Though a lung is too dear,
I will lend you an ear,
And my heart you are welcome to steal.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEEN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

“Dear parents,” advises the sage,
“You know that your teens will engage
In actions erotic.
Just don’t be despotic.
Remember you once were their age.”

David Reddekopp:

To be sixteen again! I’ll explain
Why a wish of that sort is in vain:
I would spend ev’ry week
Of my sexual peak
With my gland in my hand, once again.

Sharon Neeman:

In this foul wintry storm that I dread,
As I work with sick joints and sore head,
I recall: in my teens,
When I woke to such scenes,
I’d feign fever and go back to bed.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: STEAL or STEEL at the end of any one line

January 6th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using STEAL or STEEL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TEENS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TEEN-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 21, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 20, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A gal made attempts to conceal
Her marital motives with zeal;
She wanted a guy
Who was rich and could buy
All she wanted or, failing that, steal.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (289)

January 6th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:

If you’ve heard this before, just say “Stop!” —
How my auntie once bested a cop:
He spotted Aunt Esther
And said he’d arrest her.
“What for? That’s just tools from my shop.”

“Those crowbars? I’ll give you a fine.”
“Then I’ll say that you raped me, you swine!”
“I did not! That’s not fair!”
“Well, your… tool… is right there,
Just the same as you said about mine.”

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Special CELEBRATION-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:

David Reddekopp:

I decided that I’d take a chance;
In an effort to try to enhance
The amount of good cheer
To ring in the new year,
I put mistletoe into my pants.

Though my actions were bold and quite brash,
No one noticed or batted a lash.
I had little to show
From that damn mistletoe;
Just a rather embarrassing rash.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A woman would strictly define
All her beaus by their phallic design.
If the size of their stuff
Wasn’t quite up to snuff,
“Where’s the beef?” was her withering line.

Brian Allgar:

“Let’s go down to my cellar.” “Divine,”
Said the bimbo. “I love tasting wine,
But there’s one tricky bit –
Should I swallow or spit?”
“For this tasting,” he said, “both are fine.”

Fred Bortz: (who sends his apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary.)

A racehorse named Stewball drank wine.
He was thirty-to-one on the line.
I’m a jailbird today,
’Cause I bet on the bay–
Thirty days, since I can’t pay the fine.

I’m confined to a cell that’s quite narrow,
Where I’m chilled all the way to my marrow.
I’d be free as a bird
Had I heeded the word
Of Travers and Stookey and Yarrow.

Kirk Miller:

Every limerick isn’t complete
’Til its rhythm conforms to a beat,
So that every line
Has a cadence that’s fine.
All the writers must think on their feet.

David Reddekopp:

For all of my life, I will pine
For a girl with a body that’s fine
And some junk in her trunk;
I like girls who have spunk –
But of course, I prefer that it’s mine.

Suzanne Heymann:

Donald’s brain is a bit of a mystery.
It’s unbalanced, bizarre, bleak and blistery.
So, preserve it in brine
As a way to confine
The most backward bloodline in our history.

Mike Moulton:

A woman thought things would be fine,
If she just plucked one fruit from a vine,
But when biting in haste,
A worm was displaced
Who said, “Hey sweetheart, this one is mine.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CELEBRATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

For Jews, celebrations are sweet,
With a theme that will leave us replete:
“Though our enemies tried
To commit genocide,
Yet they failed; we prevailed. Now let’s eat!”

Brian Allgar:

Celebrations are called for today!
Though I’m ill every year, let me say
Through my coughing and sneezing
And choking and wheezing,
Fucking Christmas is one year away!

Dave Johnson:

The naturist party was planned,
Including a hot, local band.
Engaging and loud,
They were dressed like the crowd;
So dancers would know where they stand.

Tim James:

We will celebrate soon ― this is true ―
Thirty years since we both said “I do.”
What’s the secret? I say:
Just be kind ev’ry day.
(Giving choc’late works really well too.)

Dave Johnson:

At a New Year’s Eve party, her glance
Was the start of their torrid romance.
Obsessed through and through,
They would happily screw
On a surfboard, if given the chance.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Blizzard 2018 (Limerick)

January 5th, 2018

I’m bracing to walk out the door
And face up to my shoveling chore.
How I’d love to ignore it,
Stay warm and ‘offshore’ it.
But it’s war; time to even the score.

Update: Last June, when I was bleeding all over the street and staring in horror at my exposed ulna, I couldn’t have imagined ever managing to shovel snow again. But I just did it. Yay!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FINE (or DEFINE/REFINE/CONFINE) at the end of any one line

December 23rd, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FINE (or DEFINE/REFINE/CONFINE) at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CELEBRATIONS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CELEBRATION-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 7, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 6, 2018, at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

The food at the diner was fine
And surprisingly cheap, but the wine
Was the kind that you’d pay
Through the nose for — gourmet;
Its steep prices confined me to stein.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (288)

December 23rd, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MIKE SHULMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick:

A wicked and goatish old coot,
Although brazen and horny to boot,
Had along with his gumption,
Erectile dysfunction,
Which rendered his naughtiness moot.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special HYPOCRISY-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick:

Steve Whitred:

They hate trannies with all of their might,
Think that heaven is straight, male, and white,
Claim they’re children of god,
But then give Trump the nod;
They’re the smug sanctimonious right.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kathleen Bartoletti, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Ann Martin, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOOT” RHYME DIVISION)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

“Your disease, I’m afraid, is acute,”
Said the doc, “and all treatment is moot;
Here’s my bill, pay it fast,
For odds are you won’t last
Long enough to lace up that tall boot.”

Steve Whitred:

There was an old gal in a boot
Who had children. Their number is moot.
Gave them broth and some bread,
Sent them straight off to bed,
Then exchanged them on eBay for loot.

Tim James:

The new intern was really quite cute,
And the boss copped a feel, the old brute.
Then a well-aimed right boot
Put a dent in his glute.
And the shiner she gave him? A beaut!

Dave Johnson:

She married a wealthy, old coot,
Who’s gruff as the sole of a boot.
Asked why, she’d contend:
“I’m just helping him spend
Some quality time with his loot.”

Ann Martin:

There are people who don’t give a hoot
For our planet, but choose to pollute;
As we wade through the flood
With our shoes caked in mud,
Let’s give those old Trumpsters the boot!

Sue Dulley:

In Britain, the “trunk” is the “boot.”
The “hood” is the “bonnet.” (How cute!)
They burn “petrol.” Not “gas!”
“Overtake,” never “pass”
While the “horn” (still a “horn”) goes “toot-toot.”

They sit in the rightmost front seat
To cruise the left side of the street.
When they drive a new route
First their “sat nav” they boot,
Then shift gears using clutches and feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HYPOCRISY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Health or wealth? Dr. Carson has both,
And his bank account shows healthy growth.
Why are homeless folk crying
And sick people dying?
The Doc’s hypocritical oath.

Dave Johnson:

The minister started to yell:
“You sinners are going to Hell!”
That night at the ranch,
To a madam named Blanche,
He asked “Where is that sweet Annabelle?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BOOT at the end of any one line

December 9th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BOOT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HYPOCRISY, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HYPOCRISY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 24, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 23, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

My computer refuses to boot.
This is brutal! And backup? Oh shoot!
My backup drive crashed.
I’m in hell! All’s been trashed!
Might as well go get smashed on some Brut.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (287)

December 9th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The golfer whose game hit a snag
And whose shots landed far from the flag,
Said his caddy’s to blame
For advice on his game.
So the caddy’s left holding the bag.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special COWARDICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald thinks he’s one hell of a fellow.
“Nothing scares me!” the braggart will bellow.
But as Mueller draws near,
Donald trembles with fear;
Both his hair and his belly are yellow.

Congratulations to MARK KANE, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Turning tricks in hotels was her game.
And with most johns the work was the same:
They’d agree on a price
For his pleasures and vice,
Then she’d leave shortly after he came.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award for her 3-verse limerick. Here’s how she describes her puzzle challenge: “Find the ‘hidden’ names of what are mostly board games. (Some use dice/die or cards.) There are 13 in total.”

You know, being a spy and a dame
Is a scary and dangerous game.
If I fail in my mission,
I soon will be fishin’
For a graveyard position (oh shame!)

I am sorry; that boat ain’t a yahtzee.
I risk boarding that battleship nazi.
Though it seems so taboo,
I just hadn’t a clue
What the dirty minds knew of a plot, see?

My plan was no trivial pursuit.
I must scrabble for facts and then scoot.
“Operation Titanium”
Don’t boggle my cranium.
I found the uranium! Let’s shoot!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, Mike Shulman, David Reddekopp, Ailsa McKillop, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GAME” RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:

I was watching young people play Twister
With some body parts grabbed by some mister.
But the twist in the game
Unexpectedly came
When his gonads were squeezed by his sister.

Dave Johnson:

Her boyfriend just wasn’t the same,
His excuses – increasingly lame.
Then later she found
He was playing around;
Maintaining his skin in the game.

Mike Shulman:

A sportsman with mis’rable aim
Hunted roadkill in place of real game.
When he bagged a flat skunk,
His wife growled in her funk:
“That’s gamy, which isn’t the same.”

David Reddekopp:

The hunter went out with his daughter.
He thought it was time that he taught her,
So she said “Sure, I’m game!”
He then turned and took aim
With his gun, pulled the trigger, and shot her!

Ailsa McKillop:

On the wall it hung, stitched, in a frame,
The fond motto of Scots to proclaim:
“East or West, Hame is Best.”
The American guest
Said “This Hame guy—just what is his game?”

Sharon Neeman:

A young woman, Lorena by name,
Had a man with a really bad game;
In disgust, she one day
Cut his joystick away.
(Though repaired, it was never the same.)

Mike Shulman:

Mary Lou felt her passions enflame
Playing handball with men without shame.
Saying, “Can we be besties?”
She’d fondle their testes.
“Isn’t handball the name of this game?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COWARDICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Call it bravery, gumption or guts;
You’ll find none among GOP sluts.
While they sell out the poor,
Corporations get more.
They’re all cowards. No ifs, ands or buts.

Steve Whitred:

To our shame we’re the ones who empowered
A bully, a boor, and a coward.
And I know time will come
We’ll be rid of the bum.
I just wish it was happening now-ward.

Sue Dulley:

When I’m out for a walk or a jog
And approached by a big off-leash dog,
My saunter is soured.
I’m cowed, I’m a coward;
My jog soon turns into a slog.

Brian Allgar:

At the dentist, I’m really quite brave,
But each morning, I gibber and rave
At the blood and the pain,
Swearing “Never again!”
I’m a coward when having to shave.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

About Garrison Keillor (Limerick)

November 30th, 2017

Here’s a limerick I wrote a long time ago, but never posted.

Why not? Because I get more than enough attacks for my views on politics and music.

But somehow, it seems like a pretty safe time to post it:

Mr. Keillor is thought of as great.
His humorist rep is first rate.
But wit is subjective.
So please no invective
For saying: “I just don’t relate!”

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GAME at the end of any one line

November 25th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GAME at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to COWARDICE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best COWARDICE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 10, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 9, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Relaxation’s your aim? Play a game!
You say Sorry’s “too tame?” Scrabble’s “lame?”
Check out Uno, chess, gin.
Try for fun; not to win.
You flame out? Don’t go blaming this dame!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (286)

November 25th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DIANE GROOTHUIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a whined-rhyme and a revenge limerick:

The neighbor’s dog whimpered and whined,
Till it drove me quite out of my mind.
To stop it I stoned it,
Then shredded and boned it.
“A doggy bag? You are so kind!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special REVENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He filmed their encounter for kicks;
Then secretly posted the pics.
Her father, a pro
With intelligence flow,
Pursued a conviction that sticks.

To those who would purposely shame
For revenge or just playing a game,
Remember this tale;
You could wind up in jail
As well as the Dick Hall of Fame.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REVENGE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

“To take action or not?” Hamlet whined.
“Avenging my Dad would be kind;
There are arguments for,
But against, there are more….
I simply can’t make up my mind.”

Sharon Neeman’s 2-Verser:

He scratched and he howled and he whined
As she did a full strip, bump and grind.
When she shed the last bits
And revealed quim and tits,
He thought he’d go out of his mind…

On the phone, she revealed to her sister
That her husband had wronged her and dissed her.
“But I used that old spell
That you taught me so well —
Now he’s such a good doggie, my Mister!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME DIVISION)

Graham Lester:

A little while after I’ve dined,
I do something quite unrefined,
But don’t say I “puked” —
You’ll be sternly rebuked!
I’d prefer you to say I “un-wined.”

Kirk Miller:

When the judge arrived home, his wife, Kay,
Told their kids, “From your dad, stay away.
He just needs to unwind,
’Cause we’re likely to find
He is stressed from a long, trying day.”

Steve Whitred:

I’ve been whiskied, tequila’d and wined.
Inspiration’s been easy to find.
Poured out lims by the score,
Even some you’d adore,
But they all were just 3 or 4 lined.

Marty Gerendasy:

A young man was delighted to find
An exciting new way to unwind;
Had it all well in hand
Till one day it was banned.
Mom said “Stop it or else you’ll go blind!”

Randolph Wagner:

With his crotch rubbing Helen’s behind,
Paris relished their hot bump and grind.
But his Trojan attire
Sheathed virile desire.
“Bareback buggery’s better!” she whined.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (REVENGE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

As their Thanksgiving dinner drew nigh,
The turkey was starting to cry.
But revenge would be sweet
When they chewed on her meat –
She had bird flu! The diners would die.

David Reddekopp:

There’s no end to the trouble you’re in
If, Mad, you commit this great sin:
Take heed what I say
You WILL rue the day
If you don’t pick my limerick to win.

Dave Johnson:

A road-rager flashing his light
Flipped them off as he passed on the right.
Moments later they saw
He’d been stopped by the law;
“That’s him!” she said. “Thanks and good night.”

Tim James:

There once was a weirdo named Moore
Who cruised high schools and malls. But what for?
Teenage girls! If he knew them,
He wanted to screw them.
With luck, they’ll now even the score.

Brian Allgar:

He was grabbed by a fist hard as steel;
The Donald emitted a squeal
Like a pig at the slaughter.
“Hey, Dad!” said his daughter,
“This grabbing thing – how does it feel?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Life With Mark And Madeleine

November 25th, 2017

*****
Mark: I’m sorry I’m so nasty to you.

Madeleine: I’m sorry you’re so nasty to me too.

Mark: At least we can agree on SOMETHING.

*****
Mark: We make a great team!

Madeleine: Why?

Mark: We complement each other well.

Madeleine: Thanks for the compliment!

*****
Mark: “You have to hear how this [random scientific innovation] works!”

Me: “You know your techie explanations always hurt my head.”

Mark: “Can’t you at least pretend to listen?”

Me: “How convincingly do I have to pretend?”

*****

Mark: Have you ever heard “Alice’s Restaurant?”

Madeleine: Yes.

Mark. Many people have a tradition of listening to it every Thanksgiving.

Madeleine: I too have a tradition…

Mark: Great!

Madeleine: …of avoiding it.

*****

#LifeWithMarkAndMadeleine #LifeWithMadeleineAndMark

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WHINED or WINED or UNWIND at the end of any one line

November 11th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WHINED or WINED or UNWIND at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REVENGE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REVENGE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on November 26, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 25, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A besotted young man would unwind
With his girlfriend, who wasn’t too kind;
She would tie him up tight,
Then depart for the night.
He was bound to be left in a bind.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (285)

November 11th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, one hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll,
As too many a hole was explored.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special CHAOS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Steve Whitred:

With Max on the case we all knew
That the phone ringing came from his shoe,
That he’d miss ‘by that much’
But come through in the clutch,
And that KAOS would always ensue.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“Please tell me, of those who’ve been whored,
Which sluts might a beggar afford
For a sexual tryst?”
He gave me a list
With the name of your mom underscored.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER and BRIAN ALLGAR, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Robert Schechter:

The Devil, no less than the Lord,
Is looking for souls he can hoard.
I’ve heard both their pitches
But still don’t know which is
The team I’ll be hopping aboard.

Brian Allgar: (The Devil replies)

If you’ve had a good time, if you’ve whored,
If when sinning, your spirits have soared,
Then you’re welcome. If not,
Maybe Heaven’s your spot,
But I warn you – you’re gonna be bored.

Robert Schechter:

All my life I have partied and whored
Since the day my umbilical cord
Was snipped, till the day
I could no longer pay,
So my virtue was sadly restored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHAOS LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

I’ve searched through my limerick hoard
For a piece about “chaos”. I’m floored!
I know there must be one,
So why can’t I see one?
My files are chaotically stored!

Sharon Neeman:

Disorder she’d always abhorred;
When the hurricane came, she was floored!
Her possessions were scattered
And ruined and shattered.
“Just take me now, Lord!” she implored.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

There once was a woman, quite bored.
She went out on the street and she whored.
But she wasn’t a looker,
And no one would book her;
Her night as a hooker: ignored.

Sue Dulley:

My nose started bleeding – good lord!
It’s blood I can little afford.
From nostrils it issues –
Now where are my tissues?
They’ve hidden themselves in my hoard.

Dave Johnson:

On display, an unusual hoard
Of artifacts nicely restored.
Erotic in style,
They remind with a smile
How debauchery scored with the bored.

Fred Bortz:

With the whole Red Light District explored,
Where each one of the horde had been whored,
The warriors returned
To their base where they learned
About STD treatments ignored.

Robert Schechter:

A group of Norwegians, a horde,
Once offered a prayer to the Lord:
“Before our life ends,
Won’t you send us a Benz
Instead of a broken-down Fjord?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHAOS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

“Chaotic” can only describe
A trip with the family tribe.
From “Gotta go potty!”
To “STOP BEING NAUGHTY!”
3:30? It’s time to imbibe.

Suzanne Heymann:

On my lap, my cute Shih Tzu had pooed.
I freaked out and then chaos ensued.
It was much worse a sin
Than just stuck to my skin;
That’s because I had been in the nude!

Sharon Neeman:

The supplies were delivered today,
And the work starts tomorrow, they say;
Now I can’t close my door —
No, nor walk on the floor —
For the boxes of tiles in the way.

I’ve just had the nastiest fall
On the sink that is blocking my hall;
There’s a tap in my hat,
And I can’t find the cat,
And there’s no room to sleep here at all.

Tim James for his “Acrostic” Limerick:

Pay heed to what’s up in D.C.:
Utter chaos ’round hookers who pee.
There’s just one man who scores
In this tale of the whores.
Now look left, and you’ll see who’s the key.

Suzanne Heymann:

On climate change, Trump wants to ban it.
The ember of chaos – he’ll fan it.
He refuses to listen
To facts that he’s missin’
With actions dismissin’ the planet.

The scientists have all the proof.
All their work done got scrapped by him – Poof!
He believes there is worth
In destroying the earth.
How’d his momma give birth to that goof?!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!