Dear Klutzy Gift-Givers (Limerick)

December 18th, 2014

Dear Klutzy Gift-Givers (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Are your fingers all thumbs? Then beware!
Please don’t try to convince her you care
By wrapping your gift.
One quick look — she’ll be miffed:
“Why’s my present been mauled by a bear?”

Limerick Snag (Limerick-Off Monday)

December 14th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman was trying to snag…*

or

A fellow who managed to snag…*

or

A woman encountered a snag…*

or

A man told his boss, “There’s a snag…”*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Snag
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman was racing to snag
A bargain-priced Michael Kors bag.
But two ladies, quite mean,
Caused a tug-of-war scene–
Shopping bagged cuz of hags — what a drag!

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (193)

December 14th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The hooker was playing her grand
While caressing her customer’s gland.
When he asked “How d’you do it?”
She said “Nothing to it –
It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, C. Adams, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Richard Diakun, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ron B., and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Byron Ives:

He told her he’d charge just a grand
For a castle, built just as she planned.
She scowled, “You’re a leech,
Get off of this beach!
Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”

C. Adams:

A woman had hopes that were grand.
Get rich, that is what she had planned.
She became a celeb,
From some pics on the web.
I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.

Fred Bortz:

To Creationists, mankind is grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.

Robert Schechter:

There’s just one piano, the grand,
Upon which I’d deign lay a hand.
Don’t think for a minute
I’d play a damn spinet.
Such keyboards are banned from my band.

Richard Diakun:

I owed my old bookie nine grand
The games didn’t go as I planned
Now, Tony wants bank
Or his boys break my crank–
It’s useless since they broke my hand!

Will T. Laughlin, for his acrostic limerick:

“We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
Have decided to NOT reprimand.
In fact, you might say
That we functioned today
Exactly the way we were planned.”

Colleen Murphy:

He claimed the ring cost him a grand.
“The finest in all of the land.”
But I felt some distrust
When is started to rust
And it left a green mark on my hand.

Ron B., for his “No Grander Philanderer:”

A man whose delusions were grand
expected that just as he planned
his wife and his lover
would gladly discover
that neither could meet his demand.

Konrad Schwoerke:

“For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
“No, oblivion’s best;
I don’t want to be stressed.”
So I buried his head in the sand.

And congratulations to Jon Gearhart and Jonathan Jensen, who jointly win a special Political Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Jon Gearhart:

Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
With one foot in his mouth,
His head stuffed up down south,
Still golfing and leading our land!

Jonathan Jensen:

Oh, political potshots are grand,
But your mindset I don’t understand.
It’s not “44″
Who took us to war
And laid waste to a far distant land.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode to the Horse

December 13th, 2014

Happy “National Day of the Horse.”

Limerick Ode to the Horse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s the “National Day of the Horse.”
Till I’m hoarse, I of course shall endorse.
On the racecourse or farm
Or police force, what charm!
It had better not be your main course.

Something I’ve Noticed (Limerick)

December 8th, 2014

Something I’ve Noticed (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This notice can fill you with dread,
When it comes from your office-place head:
Not the “blue slip,” you smarty–
The “holiday party!”
I’ll bet you’d feel safer in bed.

Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

December 7th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow’s delusions were grand…*

or

A woman had hopes that were grand…*

or

A fellow had paid fifty grand…*

or

A pianist was playing her grand…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A musician whose plans had been grand
Was canned from his gig with a band.
Though his playing was fly,
They told him “Goodbye,
You’re too cute, which is bad for our brand.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (192)

December 7th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

At work, I’m surrounded by brains.
With an ardor that none of them feigns,
They read Einstein and Bohr,
Stephen Hawking and more,
Whereas my speed is more Dick and Jane’s.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Craig Dykstra, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

A zombie who eats people’s brains
Makes sure they are not mixed with grains.
He may be undead,
But he still can’t eat bread,
So a gluten-free guy he remains.

Robert Schechter:

A fellow with plenty of brains,
Economist John Maynard Keynes,
Famously said
‘In the long run we’re dead,’
So be glad that the short run remains.

Brian Allgar:

Today, I am using my brains
Elsewhere than on rhymes and refrains,
For although it’s not funny,
The “day job” makes money,
Which cannot be said of Mad Kane’s.

Tim James:

A man who was more brawn than brains,
To “improve” his appearance took pains
To remove all his hair
As his weight he would pare.
To sum up, then: he waxes and wanes.

Sue Dulley:

If athletes donated their brains
Concussion research could make gains,
So when you depart
Please hand over your heart
And those other remaining remains.

Craig Dykstra:

I’ve been missin’ a gal who’s got brains
‘Cause her head’s filled with clever quatrains,
Also lovely haiku
Plus a lim’rick or two.
Whose brains you say? Madeleine Kane’s!

Konrad Schwoerke:

I get sick when I eat someone’s brains.
Though I puke, all their knowledge remains.
I make billions of dollars
From munching on scholars;
So what if they’re ill-gotten gains?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Bartender Appreciation Day

December 5th, 2014

Happy Bartender Appreciation Day! (first Friday of December)

Limerick Ode To Bartender Appreciation Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow walked into a bar
And ordered a “smoked cable car.”
“Outta rum,” barkeep said.
“How’s a sidecar instead?”
It was close but, alas, no cigar.

*****

When you are ailing,
a bartender’s frequently
a stout companion.

******

Limerick Brains (Limerick-Off Monday)

November 30th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

At work, I’m surrounded by brains…*

or

A woman was racking her brains…*

or

A scientist studying brains…*

or

A fellow who liked to eat brains…*

or

A man who was more brawn than brains…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Brains
By Madeleine Begun Kane

At work, I’m surrounded by brains,
And it smarts cuz they love to take pains
To display all their smarts.
It seems even their farts
Have more know-how than MY brain contains.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (191)

November 30th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT BASLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Oh honey, please look at my butt.
Does this dress make it bigger, or what?
But before you reply
I am armed, which is why
You shouldn’t just go with your gut.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Byron Ives, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

There were no ifs or ands, just a but
(With only one “t”– this ain’t smut!),
But an editor’s threat
Made me change it to “yet”
And the but was accordingly cut.

Brian Allgar:

Sarah Palin is often the butt
Of deriders who think she’s a nut.
Though she has, it is true,
A one-figure IQ,
Her mouth is quite cute – when it’s shut.

Fred Bortz:

A billy goat shows he can butt,
While a peacock will swagger and strut,
But a macho man here
Will just guzzle his beer
And display his protuberant gut.

Kathy El-Assal:

Derrière is just one word for butt.
Of synonyms there are a glut:
Ass, tochus and heinie
(Bodacious to tiny)
Be cheeky, don’t fall in a rut!

Byron Ives:

Life is sometimes a kick in the butt,
And for most, it’s just not that clear cut.
Oh, sure, you can prove
You’re in a great groove,
And then wonder, is this groove a rut?

Tim James:

A guy had a pain in the butt
When, surprised in the midst of a rut
By the gal’s jealous man,
He got shot in the can,
Thus depriving this cock of his strut.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Thanksgiving Limerick

November 27th, 2014

Thanksgiving Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I should really stop singing the blues
And bemoaning the terrible news
And, instead, send this greeting:
At least we are eating;
Many people lack roof, food, and shoes.

Limerick Ode To Greedy Stores

November 25th, 2014

Limerick Ode To Greedy Stores
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Don’t reward greedy, cynical stores
For behaving like gluttonous whores:
If they’re open on days
Like Thanksgiving, it pays
To shop elsewhere. Don’t walk through their doors!

******
A Companion Haiku:

Stores, be on notice:
Open doors on Thanksgiving?
Brace for a boycott.

******

Posterior Advances (Limerick)

November 24th, 2014

Posterior Advances (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Most hospital gowns can cause tears
Cuz our butt spheres so rarely get cheers.
But the med field’s revealed
Asses CAN be concealed;
New frontiers in design shield our rears.

The Butt Of Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

November 22nd, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was knocked on his butt…*

or

A woman was often the butt…*

or

A man was a pain in the butt…*

or

A gal was obsessed with her butt…*

or

A fellow who loved saying “but”…*

or

A fellow was holding the butt…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

The Butt Of Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A large woman said, “Doc, do my butt.
“It’s too small, and I’d like it to jut.”
“But your butt is too jutting,”
He answered, quite cutting.
“I find your case open and shut.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (190)

November 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The Republicans now see the light!
Executive orders aren’t right!
Yet when I remind them
That Ron Reagan signed them,
They answer, “But Reagan was white!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Robert Basler, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, and Fred Bortz, for his four-verse science saga. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A criminal pun came to light
When a bedbug decided one night
To hold a church wedding
Right there in the bedding:
An example of mite making rite.

Colleen Murphy:

“The trouble with traveling light
Is I won’t know which outfit is right,”
Said my daughter while packing.
No clothes was she lacking,
As she filled up two bags for one night.

Brian Allgar:

Though his needs for nutrition were light,
The vampire felt peckish that night,
And invited a maid
Who had foolishly strayed:
“My dear, do you fancy a bite?”

Robert Schechter:

My girlfriend is so impolite!
In the course of one glorious night
Of unbridled ardor,
She said, “Were it harder,
Perhaps you’d be doing it right.”

Robert Basler:

A music motif that is leit
Is a common Wagnerian sight.
It’s a theme that’s recurring
In opera, all during–
If you miss it, you can’t be too bright.

Jon Gearhart:

A damp cellar can make the heart light
As an entymological site
For a group that elects
To study in sects
With their peers, a combined show of mite.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Our waitress is such a delight,
But the diners are sometimes a fright.
One tried copping a feel;
Now he’s wearing his meal,
So we think she has served the guy right.

Fred Bortz:

Though Planck’s math used quanta of light,
He still did not think that was right.
Young showed light behaves
Exactly like waves.
Then Maxwell’s math made that case tight.

Herr Einstein, of course, saw the light:
In photoelectrics, you might
Need only one quantum
(Or more if you want ‘em)
To eject an electron. That’s right!

Then deBroglie declared that if light
Is both wavelike and grainy, you might
Find electrons the same,
And when Schrödinger came,
We saw Quantum Mechanics take flight.

Though limericks make this tale light,
The science behind it is quite
A profound undertaking
And foundation-shaking.
That’s why we call physicists bright.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

“Absurdity Day” and “Air Your Dirty Laundry Day” Haiku (Nov. 20)

November 20th, 2014

In honor of “Absurdity Day” and “Air Your Dirty Laundry Day,” here’s a pair of haiku:

“Absurdity Day”
How is this day different
from all other days?

*****

I don’t celebrate
“Air Your Dirty Laundry Day”
Because it’s a wash.

Limerick Ode To “Homemade Bread Day” (Nov. 17)

November 17th, 2014

Limerick Ode To Homemade Bread Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It is Homemade Bread Day, but don’t make me.
Even future bread begs, “Please don’t bake me!”
I’m not good with a stove;
Don’t know clover, from clove.
In the kitchen my brain cells forsake me.

Limerick Ode To National Unfriend Day (Nov. 17)

November 17th, 2014

Limerick Ode To National Unfriend Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Do Internet pests take their toll
And play an insidious role
In your Facebooking life?
You can deal with such strife:
Just unfriend all those trolls. Take control!

Light Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

November 16th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man who liked traveling light…*

or

A criminal plot came to light…*

or

A woman stopped short at a light…*

or

The snow was supposed to be light…*

or

My husband was out like a light…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Light Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman liked traveling light,
No matter how distant her flight,
Often visiting nudists–
“No clothes” absolutists–
Who took naked delight in their rite.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (189)

November 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON IVES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

His feathery ass was at stake,
And about to get reamed in the lake:
“Get off of my back,
You near-sighted quack.
I’m not a damn hen, I’m a drake!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Jon Gearhart, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

I was trying to swallow the steak
For the love of my marriage’s sake.
But my teeth couldn’t weather
The texture of leather.
It’s one thing I just couldn’t fake!

Brian Allgar:

A fellow was driving a stake
Through Count Dracula’s heart – piece of cake! -
When he felt – what the heck? –
A sharp pain in his neck.
“Surprise!” said the Count, “I’m awake!”

Robert Schechter:

As a vegan, I never eat steak.
But I also hate “meat” that is fake.
At dinner I’m left
Feeling hungry, bereft,
Till dessert when I fill up on cake.

Jon Gearhart:

With the fate of the world’s oil at stake,
We attacked the Mideast. Now we take
Our time to help build
Up new business. They’re thrilled
When we ask, “You want fries with that, Shaik?”

Allen Wilcox:

Eve and Adam were munching on steak,
When along came a devilish snake.
When his fruit they dismissed,
It grew angry and hissed,
“Oh, please take a bite for God’s sake.”

Tim James:

I dine her on lobster and steak
While her eyes flash a lust that’s not fake.
Then she promises more
As her clothes hit the floor.
And at that exact moment — I wake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!