How NOT To Butter Up Your Waiter (Limerick)

February 25th, 2015

How NOT To Butter Up Your Waiter (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When given some butter — a dollop,
She said “More, and don’t loll! Hurry! Lollop!”
On the waiter’s return
With a butter-filled urn,
She threw the urn, earning a wallop.

The Almost Naked Truth

February 24th, 2015

I love this headline: “Mother, 29, who ran through hotel naked ‘after her friend stole her pants’ is slapped with an obscenity charge.”

Not only did it make me laugh, but it reminded me of my own personal experience, memorialized in this humor column I wrote way back in the Twentieth Century:

A Traveler’s Net Woes
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If your husband ever invites you to join him on a business trip, be sure to ask him these questions:
1. Will you ever get to see him while he is not — technically — asleep?
2. What will he do, if you accidentally lock yourself out of your hotel room in the middle of the night while you are not — technically — dressed?

Unfortunately, I didn’t think to ask these questions when my husband Mark invited me to join him for a six-week Boston business trip. So I had to learn the answers the hard way:
1. No.
2. He will remain — technically — asleep.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Back when my husband urged me to accompany him, all I could focus on was:
1. Whether I could pack my cappuccino machine;
2. Whether I’d get any writing done so far from home; and
3. Whether we’d have reliable net access in our room.

Okay, I admit it: I’m a little — okay a lot — hooked on cappuccino and the on-line life. And I never — ever — go to sleep without reading my email and surfing the web.

Anyway, Mark managed to convince me that working out of a hotel room in a strange city would inspire new, creative ideas. He also swore that Boston is a modern city with lots of cappuccino and Internet connections. So I reluctantly accompanied him, after packing enough gear for a year.

We checked in late that first night, and the accommodations (paid for by Mark’s client) were luxurious. But I gave no thought to our lovely hotel, the sites and sounds of Boston, or the excitement of living in a new city. While Mark unpacked, requested a wake-up call, and ooohed and aaahed at the view, I foraged for a modem connection. Only one view mattered to me — the blank one on my laptop screen.

Finally, I had the computer set up. I began to relax, happy in the knowledge that any minute I’d … What’s this? An error message? What did they mean “no dial tone”?

It must be some mistake, I told myself, as I tried to sign on again and again and again. After a dozen failed attempts I was even reduced to violating my “don’t crawl on a strange rug” rule. Struggling to reach the wall behind the desk and bed, I squeezed my arm into places it didn’t belong, pulling and pushing and tugging at anything that looked important. And trying to spot a loose connection … aside from the one in my brain.

Now a normal person would probably have given up and gone to bed after 10 or 20 or 30 failed attempts to sign on-line. (By this time, Mark had been asleep nearly an hour.) But the more disconnects I got, the more determined I was to access my net account. Am I stubborn? Yes. Plus I really needed my pre-sleep fix.

So I persisted, all the while cursing out computers, the hotel, my husband’s client, and my husband, who apparently enjoys having his bed shoved across the room while he’s sound asleep.

Then it hit me — the kind of revelation one only gets way past midnight. I’d simply phone the concierge, and he’d do some concierge type thing and get it fixed. So I picked up the phone and — you guessed it — it was as dead as my modem.

You moron, I castigated myself, as I tried to guess whether I was being personally singled out for email deprivation.

Just then, I heard a sound in the hall. Eager to find out if anyone else had phone service, and forgetting that my attire (or lack thereof) would get me arrested in many countries, I rushed out the door, wedging it open with a shoe. Luckily (I thought) the sounds were coming from the next room, whose door was ajar.

“Do you have phone service?” I asked a female guest, who was still gripping her luggage.

She didn’t answer. Instead she stared at me blankly, no doubt wondering why some barefoot, barely clad crazy woman was standing in her doorway at 3 a.m.

“Do you have phone service?” I repeated.

“No speak English,” she said, as she put down her suitcase and looked around the room, possibly for a weapon. Now desperate, I attempted to mime talking on the phone. But she apparently didn’t speak mime either.

At this point, I’m afraid I did something that can only be characterized as insane; I strode into the room, walked right past her to the far end, and picked up her phone. It was dead. This was good news, because you need a phone to get someone arrested for trespass.

I put the receiver down and belatedly began to apologize. But the woman ignored me — she was embroiled in some incomprehensible dialogue with a man (her husband?) who had apparently been in the bathroom when I invaded their room. Were they plotting my demise?

I crossed the room as quickly as I could and darted past them, hoping they wouldn’t try to stop me. And that they understood the meaning of the word “sorry.”

Finally I made it out of there, and they slammed the door behind me. Relieved, I turned toward my room and, after tripping over my failed-wedge shoe, I discovered another shut door — my own.

Ten minutes of door pounding later I was still stranded in the hall, and Mark (who can sleep through anything) was still sound asleep.

By now I was more or less resigned to going to bed without reading my e-mail. But no way was I sleeping in the hall.

I probably would have continued my futile pounding, but adding the crime of “destroying the peace” to trespass didn’t seem wise. And getting thrown out of the hotel probably wouldn’t help Mark’s consultant/client relations.

But what else could I do? I couldn’t very well take the elevator downstairs and beg the concierge for a key while I was dressed like this, could I?

Apparently, I could. I started down the hallway, moving as quickly as I could manage, and fervently hoping I wouldn’t meet anyone en route. Fortunately, every reasonably sane person was asleep by then. So the halls and elevator were empty, and I even made it down eight floors to the lobby nonstop. I was so relieved, I didn’t even mind the strange looks I got from the couple getting on as I got off. Or the amused grin from the concierge when I told him I needed help.

“Phone problems?” he asked, looking me up and down.

“For starters,” I answered.

“Sorry, everything’s down at least until late morning. Anything else I can do for you?”

“Yes, I locked myself out of my room. Could you…?”

“Yes, I can see you did. Hold on and I’ll get my keys.”

“This is very embarrassing.”

He took another look and grinned again. “No problem. I’ve seen a lot worse.”

Throughout the elevator ride up and the walk to my room he regaled me with tales of locked-out guests stranded in garb that made me appear ready for a full dress ball. Then he placed his key in the door and said, “Do you have any ID?”

“What?” I said, beginning to panic. “Where would I…?”

“Just kidding,” he said as he unlocked the door.

Safely back in my room, I found Mark sound asleep. Exhausted and angry, I stared at him, willing him awake. I could have been kidnapped from the room in the middle of the night, and he would never have known. I could have …

Suddenly, Mark sat up. “What is it?” he said.

“Didn’t you notice I was gone?”

“What are you talking about? One sec. I have to go to the bathroom.”

“What were you saying?” Mark said as he climbed back into bed.

“Never mind. But you should set your alarm. The phones are broken, and you probably won’t get that wake-up call.”

“Thanks,” he said as he fiddled with the clock and lay back down to sleep. “What did you do to their phones?” he added just before he began to snore.

The Revealing Oscars

February 23rd, 2015

The Revealing Oscars
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Oscars have aired
With winners declared,
While folks mostly stared
At the skin that was bared.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: EMOTE or REMOTE or MOAT at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

February 21st, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using EMOTE or REMOTE or MOAT at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

An actress who tends to emote
Over nonsense was grabbed by the throat
By an actor one day.
’Twasn’t part of the play,
But his mode of theatrical note.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (203)

February 21st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

An agent with humor too droll
Has been dumped and is out on the dole.
Ninety-nine and The Chief
Are both filled with relief
To know Maxwell is out of control.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Edward von Muir, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

At the bridge I expected a troll,
But two beautiful gals took the role
Of collecting the fare.
Who’s in charge over there?
You should ask not for whom the belles toll.

Edward von Muir:

While driving my Nissan Patrol,
I hit, near the boreal pole,
Some old geezer in red,
And I left him for dead,
So for Christmas I only got coal.

Colleen Murphy:

The guard on the bridge was a troll.
He told me he wanted my soul,
But I said, “It’s too late!
Valentino, my mate,
Has already levied that toll.”

Jon Gearhart:

South Korea, right after patrol,
I went into this watering hole.
I told tales and had drinks.
They served food that I think’s
Best summed up as the filly of Seoul.

Brian Allgar:

The golfer was built like a troll
And a fine hole in one was his goal.
But he fumbled the stunt,
And the player in front
Told him “Ouch! You’re in quite the wrong hole!”

Will T. Laughlin:

Don’t respond to the Internet Troll:
If you do, he’ll succeed in his goal.
To his lair in the deep
CAPS-LOCH Ness he will creep,
Bearing with him a piece of your soul.

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh joy. I’ve defeated the Troll,
And discovered a magical scroll.
Though my character’s plungin’
Deep into the dungeon,
My love life’s a much deeper hole.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Rhyme For All Seasons (Limerick)

February 16th, 2015

A Rhyme For All Seasons (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

No matter the time or the season,
I will conjure up rhymes for no reason.
And haiku ain’t immune;
They are often rhyme-strewn,
Although many view rhymes there as treason.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TROLL or PATROL at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

February 14th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either “TROLL” or “PATROL” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here are my two limericks:

A cop while on ev’ning patrol
Jailed a vagrant who’d stolen a bowl
Of hot soup for his meal.
It seems many folks feel
That stealing’s a RICH person’s role.

and

I’ve been asked as the rhyming patrol
If roll can be rhymed with parole:
With their stressed sound the same
(Roll and role) I must flame
Such a “rhyme,” if true rhyming’s your goal.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (202)

February 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“Can you tell me,” the funnyman quips
(A self-satisfied smirk on his lips,
And with giggles a-boil),
“Why the moon’s like a mohel?
’Cause ’e goes to your son, and ’e clips!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Scott Crowder, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The plumber used solder and clips,
And wrenches and pliers and grips.
He made quite a racket,
And charged me a packet,
But STILL that confounded tap drips.

Tim James:

Her co-workers suck: They eclipse
Bright ideas from anyone’s lips.
A collection of hacks!
Like a bowl full of snacks,
This poor gal is surrounded by dips.

Byron Miller:

Mid-movie she gets up and skips
To the snack bar for chocolaty chips.
As she passes the screen
She then adds to the scene
The effect of a lunar eclipse.

Brian Allgar:

The gambler has run out of chips,
And his bill-folds are just empty clips.
“Can I wager with sex?
She’s as stacked as your decks,
And you’re welcome to poker,” he quips.

Scott Crowder:

She slowly removes her hair clips
And sensuously gyrates and strips,
Yet causes him worry;
If she doesn’t hurry,
He’ll finish before he unzips.

Will T. Laughlin:

The thrills of Las Vegas eclipse
Good sense and economy. Trips
For a Teachers’ Convention
Too often to mention
Turn into “Goodbye, Mr. Chips.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Modest Media Proposal (Limerick)

February 11th, 2015

A Modest Media Proposal (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Jon Stewart is leaving his job.
Brian Williams? Been thrown to the mob.
Though it might make you queasy,
The answer is easy:
They replace one another. No prob!

Must I Really Leave The House? (Limerick)

February 9th, 2015

Must I Really Leave The House? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’ll agree to go out if you prod,
And I’ll hide any hint that I’m odd.
Those with whom I connect
Will never detect
The hermit behind my façade.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CLIPS or ECLIPSE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

February 7th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either “CLIPS” or “ECLIPSE” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

While an actress was showing her clips
Which featured her just enlarged lips,
She sipped from a cup
And her lips, all puffed up,
Caused the liquid to drip on her hips.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (201)

February 7th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A race home between tortoise and hare
Is essentially not very fair.
Though the hare is quite quick,
It’s a shell game. That prick,
The tortoise, is already there!

Congratulations to JONATHAN JENSEN, on winning the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:

When I look at the gray in my hair,
I never give way to despair.
Though I long for a ’do
With a more youthful hue,
I’m mostly just glad it’s still there.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Lisi Ardissone, Konrad Schwoerke, Byron Ives, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Val Fish, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

For the fancy-dress ride, what to wear?
Her husband said “Go as a bear.”
But Godiva misheard,
So she mounted and spurred
And rode forth wearing only her hair.

Colleen Murphy:

Said the hunter, “I won fair and square
And with no double-counting, I swear.
It is not a mistake.
When they tallied my take,
They told me I’d won by a hare.”

Lisi Ardissone:

I altered the shade of my hair
To give it a little more flair.
When my husband came home,
He said, “Oh, Marone!
Are you planning to have an affair?”

Konrad Schwoerke:

A new ’do? Why the hell would I care
What you do to your own freakin’ hair?
Though I do wish you’d learn
That my only concern
Is it’s not an obstruction down there.

Byron Ives:

She sported long, sexy, blonde hair
And worked at the fresh produce fair.
I reckoned her peaches
Were out of my reaches,
But jeepers, she had a nice pear!

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

With a toss of her silvery hair,
She said to him: “Now then, mon cher;
While we wait for your phallus
To go and Cialis,
There’s much you can do below there.”

Val Fish:

Last night, I shaved off all my hair.
No, not on my head, but ‘down there.’
When faced with the sight,
My hubby took flight.
My bald patch was too bare to bear.

Allen Wilcox:

The fruit vendor’s wife was a bear:
“Shape up and get out of my hair.”
He took it in stride,
Although, puzzled, he sighed,
“But why did she say ‘get a pear?’”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Staten Island Chuck the Groundhog Lives (Limerick)

February 2nd, 2015

There’s been a Groundhog Day rules change at the Staten Island Zoo, in the wake of last year’s groundhog death at the klutzy hands of Mayor Bill de Blasio:

Staten Island Chuck the Groundhog Lives (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Seems the zoos of New York had their fill
Of Mayor-caused Groundhog Day-kill.
Last year’s groundhog is dead,
So “no holding,” they said.
“We are Chucking your touching rights, Bill.”

Wintry Woes (Limerick)

February 2nd, 2015

Wintry Woes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I so wish all these snow storms would wane.
I’d prefer their replacement with rain–
Even better, with drizzle–
A limited mizzle.
Cuz this winter has gone down the drain.

Sundry Super Bowl Verse

February 1st, 2015

I’ll be drinking at home,
but not watching the game.
My disint’rest in football
is largely to blame.

As for Mark, he’ll be here
mostly viewing the ads
And enjoying the half-time
like “Katy Cat” lads.

*****

If the Super Bowl’s boring or worse,
There’s no need to complain or to curse.
Let your rhyme juices flow
While you’re watching the show;
Write a lim’rick – take solace in verse.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Hair or Hare at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

January 31st, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either “hair” or “hare” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s are my two limericks, one for “hair” and one for “hare.”

When a man lost a race by a hair,
He objected: “I won. It’s not fair!
Both my feet got there first.
But it seems that I’m cursed
Cuz I’m bald. Just his mane beat me there.”

and

A woman had offered to share
A meal with her boyfriend — roast hare.
He responded, “Not funny!
It looks like my bunny.”
Then he fled to she doesn’t know where.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (200)

January 31st, 2015

It’s time to announce the TWO-HUNDREDTH Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to PATRICE STEWART A/K/A PATRICE OF THE MANYCATS, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The crew was refusing to clap
For the actors and muttered, “What crap.
We feel sick – lunch was bad!
We’re not sure what we had.”
And were told, with disgust, “It’s a wrap.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:

A gal heard a thunderous clap
And felt something warm in her lap.
She’d found, so it seems,
The man of her dreams,
But sadly, awoke from her nap.

Colleen Murphy:

I really had wanted to clap
When the speaker stopped moving her yap,
But her speech was so boring
I guess I was snoring.
She’d lectured me into a nap.

Jon Gearhart:

Sherlock Holmes was inspecting the gap
Twixt the legs of yo mama when, “Snap!”
Her legs clamped around him.
That’s where Watson found him;
He died in “The Case of the Clap.”

Brian Allgar:

“How on earth did I pick up the clap?”
She beseeched a young medical chap.
“If you really don’t know,”
He said, “Well, let me show
You this human anatomy map.”

Fred Bortz:

Said Ludwig, “Four notes make a clap
Of thunderous fate that will wrap
Your soul in a tower
Of musical power.”
Said his musical rival, “What crap!”

Tim James:

A paradigm shift’s when you scrap
All your old preconceptions as crap.
With Mad’s new rhymes appearing,
It’s akin to my hearing
Rice Krispies go pock, snapple, clap.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

It’s considered uncultured to clap
At the symphony during a gap.
When the fiddlers pause
Just hold your applause
And don’t wake me up from my nap.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Ode To Joan Rivers

January 29th, 2015

Here’s my non-winning entry into the Washington Post Style Invitational’s obit-poem contest.

Ode To Joan Rivers
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A comic genius died last year.
“A Piece of Work” was she sans peer.
Her edgy style brought rivers of tears
From laughter — not to mention, cheers.

Her plastic surgeons went too far.
She looked (let’s face it) quite bizarre.
A victim of the youth craze? Yup!
To those who’d mock her:”Oh, grow up!”

Shoveling Duty (Limerick)

January 26th, 2015

Shoveling Duty (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s snowing, alas and alack,
And I just finished shov’ling — can’t slack
During storms this severe.
But I did it. Oh dear!
All the snow I removed has come back.

*****

Blizzard in progress.
I resent New York City
resembling Fargo.

*****

Oboe-playing years
armed my shoulders for shov’ling,
but failed to prep mind.

Clapping For Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday) Rhyme Word: Clap — UPDATED

January 24th, 2015

UPDATE: As an experiment, I’m officially freeing you up to use “clap” as the rhyme word in line 1 or line 2 or line 5. (If this works out well, perhaps I’ll make this a regular (or semi-regular) thing.

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal heard a thunderous clap…*

or

A man was refusing to clap…*

or

The sheriff had threatened to clap…*

or

A man had come down with the clap…*

or

Some birders were hoping to clap…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Clapping For Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow refusing to clap,
Kept his hands tightly clenched in his lap.
When his wife said, “Applaud!”
He said “No!”and then jawed:
“That damn play interfered with my nap.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!