What NOT To Say To A Limerick Contest Judge (Limerick)

August 31st, 2014

There are some things you should NEVER say to someone who’s judging a limerick (or other poetry) contest. So I was amused to read that Pat Myers (who presides over the weekly Washington Post Style Invitational contests) received this message from a limerick contest entrant:

First of all I truly despise poetry in any and all of it’s forms. Mainly because I am horrific at both interpreting and creating it. Now on to my entries:

In my opinion, if you’re going to say something that stupid, the least you can do is say it via limerick. Perhaps something like this:

You should know that I truly despise
Ev’ry verse form, no matter the guise.
I can NOT even glean
What my own poems mean.
Now hurry and send me a prize.

And speaking of limerick contests, last week’s Limerick-Off is running for a second week, due to the holiday weekend. So please keep your limericks coming and post them here:

Does The “Knee Defender” Have Legs? (Limerick)

August 26th, 2014

After reading about the “Knee Defender” scuffle on board a United Airlines flight, I just had to write a limerick:

The fight started on a United Airlines flight because one passenger was using the Knee Defender, a $21.95 gadget that attaches to a passenger’s tray table and prevents the person in front of them from reclining.

… A flight attendant asked him to remove the device and he refused. The woman then stood up, turned around and threw a cup of water at him, the official says. That’s when United decided to land in Chicago. The two passengers were not allowed to continue to Denver.

Does The “Knee Defender” Have Legs? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though I’m short, there’s no room for my knees
When I fly, without paying high fees.
But I’d never react
With a tool to contract
Someone’s space, just to feel more at ease.

So the use of a plane “Knee Defender”
Is offensive to me — a contender
For a selfishness prize.
So women and guys,
If you try it, I’ll bitch. You’ll surrender.

Putting A Challenge On Ice (Limerick)

August 25th, 2014

My friend Tom Hale presented me with the one sort of Ice Bucket Challenge I can actually handle: an “Ice Bucket Limerick Challenge.” So here goes:

Putting A Challenge On Ice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

An ice bucket poured on my head?
While I won’t say I’d rather be dead,
It’s cold-sweat-full as hell,
And I’d probably yell
Words too dreadful to post on this thread.

Limerick Nest (Limerick-Off Monday)

August 23rd, 2014

NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

Please note that due to the Labor Day holiday, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on SEPTEMBER 7, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to Labor Day or any other September holiday, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.

And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman discovered a nest…*

or

Our children are back in the nest…*

or

All our kids have at last flown the nest…*

or

A fellow had feathered his nest…*

or

It’s best not to foul your own nest…*

or

There’s a syndrome that’s called “empty nest…”*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Nest
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A zoo-keeper feathered his nest.
At theft he was one of the best.
He was cagey and knew
Not to crow to his crew.
Getting caught’s for the birds, he’d assessed.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (178)

August 23rd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The King found it more to his taste
That his wives have their noggins displaced,
So when Anne Boleyn said
“May I offer thee head?”
Henry grinned, and assured her “Thou may’st.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Edmund Conti, Frank Osen, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Susan Settje, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

The meal had a savory taste
And the cooking-show judges embraced
And enjoyed ev’ry course
With no clue it was horse.
Did it win? It did not, but it placed.

Edmund Conti:

You’re finding you’re using poor taste
In composing these lim’ricks post-haste.
Don’t get angry, get Mad.
She’ll critique just a tad
And adjust a syl-LA-ble misplaced.

Frank Osen:

A fellow with terrible taste,
Said, when asked why he ate only paste:
“Well, I used to make stews
From the stuff in my loos,
but I found that a horrible waste.”

Colleen Murphy:

The gigolo thought he should taste
For a bit, what it’s like to be chaste.
But with minutes gone by
He then asked himself why
He would put his fine package to waste.

Fred Bortz:

That Congressman left a bad taste
Of obstruction, corruption, and waste.
“So he lost?” You’re mistaken.
He brought home the bacon,
So he beat each opponent he faced.

Susan Settje:

As a school girl, I sought out the taste
in that sweet little jar of white paste.
Then I caught my first scent
Of some rubber cement
And all thoughts of that paste were erased.

Jon Gearhart:

The recipe’s terrible taste
Was in need of a change, and posthaste.
I found that the dish
Had the taste of bad fish,
So I found a good fish and re-plaiced!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Elephant Dung Coffee Beans? I’ll Pass! (Limerick)

August 21st, 2014

Elephant Dung Coffee Beans? I’ll Pass! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This brew concept’s hard to digest.
It’s a crappy plan — far from the best:
Amp up elephant mash
With coffee beans. Rash?
Grab a stool and retrieve. Have a fest!

*****

Yes, Canadian entrepreneur Blake Dinkin produces Black Ivory Coffee in Thailand’s “Golden Triangle” via elephant dung. Of course his website describes it rather more genteelly as “Naturally refined by elephants and made from 100% Thai Arabica coffee beans.”

*****

I previously wrote about Chinese panda-dung giftware on my other blog.

A Lemon Of A Limerick

August 20th, 2014

A Lemon Of A Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Turn lemons to lemonade?” Ugh!
Such advice sounds to me oh so smug.
No I won’t sugar-coat,
Cuz it sticks in my throat.
But turn lemons to lim’ricks? We’ll hug.

Happy National Lemonade Day! (For some odd reason, it’s celebrated both on August 20th and on the first Sunday of May.)

Sex Post Facto (Limerick)

August 19th, 2014

Sex Post Facto (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

What’s the worst you can say after sex?
That question continues to vex.
But you’ll soon be a loner
With this little boner:
“You’re not even as good as my ex.”

Limerick Ode To Aviation Day (August 19)

August 19th, 2014

Limerick Ode To Aviation Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

On this day, aviation shines bright;
Brother Orville, a father of flight,
Gets a birthday ovation
By prez proclamation.
Those who think today’s special are (w)right.

Limerick Ode To A Giraffe Lover

August 18th, 2014

Some zoo visitors are unspeakably stupid!

Limerick Ode To A Giraffe Lover
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear giraffe-fan, invading the space
Of a youngish giraffe invites chase.
I don’t care that it kicked you,
Right after it licked you.
You’re lucky you still have a face.

For those who don’t know the story, it seems a California woman, who’s overly fond of giraffes, climbed into a giraffe exhibit at a Madison, Wisconsin zoo. At that point, a “2-year-old, 12-foot-tall giraffe named Wally gave [her] a lick, then turned and kicked her in the face.” But though giraffes can kill lions, her injuries aren’t life threatening.

Limerick Ode To A Petty Thief (Limerick)

August 18th, 2014

What sort of burglar sends stolen jewelry to a newspaper, complaining that the stuff he stole from a socialite turned out to be fake?

Limerick Ode To A Petty Thief (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

What bad luck has befallen this snake,
Who’s upset by his jew’lry heist take!
His chagrin is immense
Cuz he called on his fence
And was told that his haul was all fake.

Limerick Ode To Bad Poetry Day

August 18th, 2014

Today, August 18, is Bad Poetry Day. So I figured I’d write a bad limerick on purpose. How? By picking an A-rhyme with a relatively small word selection:

Limerick Ode To Bad Poetry Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s Bad Poetry Day, and I wonder
Why bother to pillage and plunder
The language of verse.
I the blunderbuss curse
Who’d, on purpose, tear poems asunder.

Limerick Taste (Limerick-Off Monday)

August 16th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow with terrible taste…*

or

A woman had asked for a taste…*

or

The comic showed very poor taste…*

or

This meal has a terrible taste…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Taste
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow has terrible taste.
His pride in his place is misplaced.
It’s showy and lewd,
And his dates find it crude,
So the women he chases stay chaste.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (177)

August 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

James Bond found his bride to be cold,
An ice queen to have and to hold.
She would hector and nag,
So he ditched her, the hag.
He’s the spy who came in from the scold.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My girl-friend complained of the cold
(“Solar heating” – that crap I’d been sold!)
But although it was snowing,
I soon got her glowing
By time-honored methods of old.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jason Talbott, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jason Talbott:

It is getting a little bit cold.
Uncomfortably so, truth be told.
The consignment shop coat
Keeps me warm waist to throat,
But I sure miss my pants (which I sold.)

Brian Allgar:

Her feet were so bitterly cold
In midwinter; she found when she strolled
That the snow hurt her toes.
Well, no wonder they froze,
For the shoes that she’d bought were not soled.

Byron Miller:

“Wrap your scarf so you don’t catch a cold.”
Every year, by my wife, I’m retold.
Though I’ve tried to tell Iris
Colds come from a virus,
For her, this just never gets old.

Jon Gearhart:

My wife can be wickedly cold,
Domineering, and strikingly bold,
But she doesn’t scare me
Cause I’m totally free
To always do just what I’m told!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick For National Rum Day

August 16th, 2014

Happy National Rum Day! (August 16)

Limerick For National Rum Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal called her husband a lout
And threatened to highball it out
If he kept drinking rum.
He at first was struck dumb,
Then obligingly switched up to stout.

Cold Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

August 9th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man with a terrible cold…*

or

A gal who was terribly cold…*

or

A woman left out in the cold…*

or

When the entrée arrived, it was cold…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Cold Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal with a terrible cold
Kept waiting for meds to take hold.
She’d been doled the wrong pills,
Which did NOT help her ills.
What that gal really needed was mold.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (176)

August 9th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A psychic impaled on a post,
Who was weary of being a host,
Said: “I’m not at all mad;
It’s a boon to me, Vlad,
Cuz I’m ready to give up the ghost.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Allen Wilcox, Byron Ives, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The bugler had played the Last Post,
And they’d drunk a memorial toast.
But they heard a faint shout
From the grave: “Lemme out!”
For the Colonel was far from a ghost.

Fred Bortz:

The priest was removed from his post
For creating a fraudulent host.
The substitute cracker
With nary a backer
Was leftover stale garlic toast.

Allen Wilcox:

A woman decided to post
Facebook pictures revealing the most
Private parts of her bod
With no text – why, how odd?
She was way, way too bashful to boast.

Byron Ives:

With zits like a knotty pine post,
She repulsed all her peers, at least most.
But brainy Jerome
Held her hand, walked her home.
She had netted much more than she grossed

Jon Gearhart:

My wife may be dumb as a post,
But that’s not what matters the most.
Her heart’s golden pure,
She’s loyal for sure,
And spreads quicker than butter on toast!

Brian Allgar:

“You’ll find I’m as stiff as a post,”
Was the hopeful Lothario’s boast.
But the girl, unimpressed,
Said “You’re just like the rest,
Except that you’re shorter than most.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Smarting from “Smart Shoes” (Limerick)

August 4th, 2014

Do we really need “smart shoes” that will vibrate us in the right direction using Google Maps? Ducere Technologies thinks so.

Smarting from “Smart Shoes” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear shoemakers, please have a heart.
I do NOT want my shoes to be smart.
I just want them to feel
(both my sole and my heel)
Like they’re not out for blood from the start.

Is This What We Need? What We Really Really Need? (Limerick)

August 4th, 2014

Is This What We Need? What We Really Really Need? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A vibrator necklace is handy
When you’re feeling a little bit randy
And no one’s on hand–
You’re alone and unmanned.
Failing that, reach for candy and brandy.

***

And yes, you really can buy a sex toy vibrator necklace.

Limerick Ode To Kale

August 4th, 2014

Limerick Ode To Kale
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Woe is me! There’s a shortage of kale,”
Bitter health nuts are starting to wail.
Seems there ain’t enough seeds
To meet all their needs.
Tell you what — I’ll my own kale curtail.