Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: JERK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

June 27th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using “JERK” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A chef who had many a quirk
Would pretend to be simple, then smirk.
He’d rant and he’d rave.
He’d act chicken, then brave–
Seems the fellow was simply a jerk.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (219)

June 27th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Astronomers once had the gall
To proclaim, “The world’s round, like a ball.”
But soon findings empirical
Proved it non-spherical;
Slightly deflating them all.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

The cannibals started a brawl
Over who got what portion of Paul.
They battled for dibs
On the meatiest ribs,
While the chieftain was having a ball.

Kirk Miller:

When making some holes rather small,
A leather punch started to bawl.
“We’re stuck in this job,”
It said with a sob,
“And that is the fate of us awl.”

Brian Allgar:

She was wearing a costly mink shawl,
And the bimbo explained to them all:
“It’s a gift from a guy
Who just wanted to cry,
Cuz he said to me, “Baby, let’s bawl.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh, please don’t disturb Doctor Hall.
Cutting gonads in slices so small
May yet give the answer
To testicle cancer,
And right now, he’s halving a ball.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

When Sally slipped down in a fall
She really had reason to bawl.
But balling for Sally
Is right up her alley
For Sally has no shame at all.

Dave Johnson:

Scalia and Thomas will bawl
“This week has been no fun at all.
Our cadre of five
Did no longer strive
To answer the G.O.P.’s call.”

Jon Gearhart:

Found her name in a men’s bathroom stall
And decided I’d give her a call,
But I feel quite misled
By these words that I read:
“Call Caitlyn and you’ll have a ball!”

Allen Wilcox:
A WEEK OF BALLS, WITH REFRAIN

We’re having a civil rights ball.
The Confederate flag has to fall.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

And then? – the Obamacare ball
With Roberts explaining it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

And then? – well, the gay marriage ball
With Kennedy telling it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Gay Marriage

June 27th, 2015

Limerick Ode To Gay Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Ev’ry marriage has good and has bad.
It brings joy, but can drive you quite mad.
I’m so glad gays are free
Via legal decree
To wed — Just don’t marry in plaid.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BALL or BAWL at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

June 20th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either BALL or BAWL at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A fellow was having a ball,
Ignoring his work while on call.
He continued his con
Till the owner caught on;
Playing hooky … and hockey … his fall.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (218)

June 20th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

On Craig’s List, Chris posted his lust
For a tryst with a lass to be trussed.
Alas, though: Chris missed
His delicious truss tryst.
He was tied up at work. How unjust!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Kaye Roberts, Phil Graham, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

She withdrew from the Savings & Trust
All her cash. It’s not much; now she must
Choose ’twixt breast augmentation
And West Coast vacation.
The choice: California or bust.

Robert Schechter:

The essence of love is to trust.
So trust me. I’m able to thrust
Without letting go.
Believe me! . . . Uh oh . . .
Remember that son we discussed?

Brian Allgar:

He stuffed her with thrust after thrust
Like a man half-demented with lust,
Then he bound her with string,
Legs and breast, everything,
Till the Thanksgiving turkey was trussed.

Jon Gearhart:

As I cussed and discussed in disgust
My mistrust with my siblings, we fussed
How the lawyer had still
Not found part of Dad’s will.
My disgust rose from my misplaced trust.

Fred Bortz:

Chez Marquis de Sade is a must
To couple with parry and thrust.
There maidens will tryst
While bound at the wrist,
As long as you’re someone they trussed.

Lisi Nortman:

A marriage is based upon trust,
But if driven by wild carnal lust,
You’ll probably cheat.
So be very discreet.
Don’t come home with your hairdo all mussed.

Kaye Roberts:

Ev’ry man she’d encountered with lust
Had betrayed her, demolished her trust.
So she found a belle chère
And began lez affaire
And left all les hommes in the dust.

Phil Graham:

A ski racer you couldn’t trust
Would consume pork and beans ’fore he shussed.
And to go a bit faster
He’d use his ass blaster
And gain MPH from each gust.

Allen Wilcox:

He was proud that they showed him the trust
To move “David” to clean off the dust.
It fell and it shattered.
He cried, bruised and battered,
“I can only say ‘This was a bust’.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Limerick for International Day Of Yoga (June 21)

June 20th, 2015

The U.N. has decreed June 21 to be International Day Of Yoga … which gives me a handy excuse to post this silly limerick:

A gal doing yoga while dressed
In a toga, when questioned, confessed
That her garb did not work—
Turned her poses berserk.
So instead of relaxed, she was stressed.

A Bugged Plaintiff (Limerick)

June 17th, 2015

A Bugged Plaintiff (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Madame Blanche filed a claim with the court,
A complaint for intentional tort:
“As plainly depicted
Distress was inflicted–
My old spouse should by now be quite mort.”

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TRUST at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

June 14th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using TRUST at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A woman could no longer trust
Her domestic to vacuum or dust.
Yet she did come in handy;
When hubby was randy,
The maid took good care of his lust.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (217)

June 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

She had warts, but she wasn’t half bad,
So they made the short hop to his pad.
His intention to jump ’er
Is now in the dumper:
She laughed ’cause his pole’s just a tad.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phil Graham, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Phil Graham:

A fam’ly of dwarves was quite glad
To be told a developer had
Built a home for them, small,
Costing nothing at all!
It was called “The Stay-free Mini-pad.”

Fred Bortz:

“Before we make love, don’t be mad.”
He responded, “I’ve felt your bra pad.”
She replied with a laugh,
“Hah! You don’t know the half.
The fact is my birth name was Brad.”

Brian Allgar:

Canaan, Cush, Phut and Mizraim would pad
Through the paddy-fields feeling quite sad.
Eating nothing but rice
Isn’t terribly nice
When ‘Ham’ is the name of your dad.

Dave Johnson:

When you’re young & you’re told you were bad,
Just write it all down on a pad.
After years have gone by,
You can read it and try
To re-live all the good times you had.

Tim James:

Many women, all scantily clad,
Have been seen coming out of his pad.
You can call him a rake,
But since rubber can break,
He now goes by another name: Dad.

Will T. Laughlin:

As my way through the city I pad,
I notice this theater ad:
BROKEBACK MT — SWEET NOVEMBER
A WALK TO REMEMBER.
I call that a Marquee de Sad!

Robert Schechter:

My spark plugs just told me they’re sad.
I asked them, “But what is so bad?”
“We’re homeless, you see,
But why should this be
When even the brakes have a pad?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Spirited Weekend (Limerick)

June 11th, 2015

A Spirited Weekend (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This weekend, two drinks duke it out:
Gin and bourbon — which one has more clout?
Though “World Gin Day” comes first,
Save a bit of your thirst.
Next is bourbon … but no time for stout.

NOTE: World Gin Day is celebrated on the 2nd Saturday of June. National Bourbon Day, on the other hand, is always celebrated on June 14.

Never Tease Me With Teas (Limerick)

June 10th, 2015

Never Tease Me With Teas (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I never drink hot or iced tea.
I just bag it as naught but debris,
Though it might pack a punch
Were it spiked, say with brunch.
But please leave out the tea-taste — that’s key!

NOTE: While studying up on today’s holiday, National Iced Tea Day, I was surprised to learn that tea in the U.S. was originally booze-laden.

Blockheads On The Block (Limerick)

June 8th, 2015

A Facebooker constantly “yelled.”
No grievance he held could be quelled.
He’d gripe and he’d boast
On each post — now he’s toast;
From most friendships that fellow’s expelled.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PAD at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

June 6th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using PAD at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

An ad-man would frequently pad
His costs, which would make his boss mad:
“You’re a cad and a cheat.
You spent THAT much to eat
And to drink? Do you think I can’t add?”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (216)

June 6th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Robert Schechter:

The sexiest instrument’s known
As the brassy and sassy trombone.
It loves to be slid.
There’s no hornier id!
But mostly it loves to be blown.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Janice Canerdy, Ian Graham, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Konrad Schwoerke, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The bounciest girl he had known
Was astride him, and couldn’t be thrown.
But her thrusts were so rough
That he cried “That’s enough –
I think you’ve just broken my bone!”

Janice Canerdy:

Sue’s not in the bedroom alone,
But hubby’s as cold as a stone.
She begs, “Take this pill?”
He says, “Yes, I will.”
Her man is now bad to the bone.

Ian Graham:

Our orchestra’s lonesome trombone
Used to slide in and out on his own.
Now he’s living in sin
With the first violin
And she fiddles until his bone’s blown.

Fred Bortz:

In Genesis, God used a bone
To make Eve, though she wasn’t a clone.
So much for reliance
On DNA science!
Creationist truth has been shown.

Will T. Laughlin:

TO THE BOARD OF REGENTS

You demand explanations be shown
Why I met with my student alone.
Well, her field’s dinosaurs,
So she went through my drawers
‘Til she found my old fossilized bone.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The wifey had started to moan,
“When you’re out every night, I’m alone,
And your mistress gets bed…”
Interrupting, I said,
“Stop your bitching!” and threw her a bone.

Dave Johnson:

He was hired to play the trombone
At a socialite club in Bayonne.
His notes were quite mute
But a bulge in his suit
Caused the standing ovation alone.

Will T. Laughlin:

MEMO FROM THE DEFENSE DEPT.

Dear contractor: We have a bone
To pick. We had ordered a drone.
What you sent us in lieu
Is a didgeridu.
Very funny. Come back when you’re grown.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To “Female Viagra”

June 5th, 2015

Limerick Ode To “Female Viagra”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There’s a “female Viagra?” Oh my!
I’ve boned up on its risks, so no-buy.
Should I need to feel horny,
The problem ain’t thorny.
No not porn! Just a flash of Mark’s thigh.

Happy “National Donut Day” (1st Friday of June)

June 4th, 2015

I swear I’m not making this headline up: “SI Swimsuit Models on National Donut Day.”

Makes sense, cuz after all when you think “donuts,” you think “swimsuit models.”

On the other hand, tomorrow (the first Friday in June) really is National Donut Day. So I figured I’d celebrate with a somewhat more apt stereotype:

“I’m famished — need something to eat,”
Said a cop who was walking the beat.
“My last donut was noon.
I need sustenance soon.
Make it something that’s sugar-replete.”

No Reason For Rhyme? (Limerick)

June 2nd, 2015

No Reason For Rhyme? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’ve been censured and cautioned to spurn
Burning yearnings to rhyme, as I learn
How to coax some haiku
Into being, but few
Have earned kudos. My critics are stern.

Neighborly Blues (Limerick)

June 1st, 2015

Neighborly Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was sweeping his leaves
While belting some recitatives.
“Quell that noise,” said a neighbor.
“Your mis-Handeled labor
Could well be jays lodged in your eaves.”

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BONE or TROMBONE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

May 30th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either BONE or TROMBONE at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

I often enjoy the trombone
When its notes are well-played and not blown.
But I loathe being hit
By trombone-player spit.
For their slobber, it’s time to atone.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week 215

May 30th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Most lumberjacks, some say, are brutes,
Built for power from abs, pecs, and glutes.
But in math they do well.
Yes they truly excel.
Cutting logs, they compute all nth roots.

NOTE: I enjoyed the line 5 wordplay so much, that I violated my own general rule against limericks that may need an explanation. So if math humor makes you loggy, here’s Fred’s explanation:

For those who have forgotten or never learned logarithms, you can compute a square root by dividing the log of a number by two then finding the antilog of the result. Cube roots involve dividing the log by three. And in general, you can find the nth root by dividing the log by n.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Stephen Fleming, Kathy El-Assal, Kaye Roberts, and Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

Ten sailors were all in cahoots;
When on leave from their sea-going routes,
They would meet her to bang
As a nautical gang,
And they’d give her their ten-gun salutes.

Scott Crowder:

She never has colored her roots
Or toned-up her once perky fruits.
She’s more than okay
With her hair turning gray
And tucking her tits in her boots.

Colleen Murphy:

Said a carrot to tropical fruits,
“For sight we’re the favored recruits.”
But the kiwi replied,
“We’ve got C on our side.
So there! Now go back to your roots!”

Stephen Fleming:

I question a voter who roots
For the tally of feculent fruits
On the elephant ticket–
A baffling thicket
Of blustering arrogant suits.

Kathy El-Assal:

In Bayside, Mad put down her roots,
Then switched to word play from law suits.
Now Mark and his wife
Live a Queens-style life
With peons who bear pun-ish fruits.

Kaye Roberts:

A weight-lifter worked on his glutes.
His sinews were ropy, like roots.
Once skinny and fragile,
He’s not very agile,
But a mugger just looks, and then scoots.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A Scotsman named Ian McKloots
Played bagpipes that skirled squawky toots.
Until one day at last,
With kilt at half-mast,
He disclosed all his Manly McRoots.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!