Shoveling Duty (Limerick)

January 26th, 2015

Shoveling Duty (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s snowing, alas and alack,
And I just finished shov’ling — can’t slack
During storms this severe.
But I did it. Oh dear!
All the snow I removed has come back.

*****

Blizzard in progress.
I resent New York City
resembling Fargo.

*****

Oboe-playing years
armed my shoulders for shov’ling,
but failed to prep mind.

Clapping For Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday) Rhyme Word: Clap — UPDATED

January 24th, 2015

UPDATE: As an experiment, I’m officially freeing you up to use “clap” as the rhyme word in line 1 or line 2 or line 5. (If this works out well, perhaps I’ll make this a regular (or semi-regular) thing.

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal heard a thunderous clap…*

or

A man was refusing to clap…*

or

The sheriff had threatened to clap…*

or

A man had come down with the clap…*

or

Some birders were hoping to clap…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Clapping For Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow refusing to clap,
Kept his hands tightly clenched in his lap.
When his wife said, “Applaud!”
He said “No!”and then jawed:
“That damn play interfered with my nap.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (199)

January 24th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was trying to pass
A lass who was swinging her ass
Side to side (super-sized).
He was quite hipnotized,
And his privates went public en masse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jon Gearhart:

For my birthday, my son bought a pass
To go fishing. They stock them en masse.
They’ll replaice what you like.
We caught walleye, carp, pike,
But they cut us off, right at the bass.

Colleen Murphy:

A student who struggled to pass
Had trouble with volume and mass.
“Fill it in, fill it up?
Is it pounds or a cup?
I’m too dense for this matter, alas.”

Scott Crowder:

A man made an unfruitful pass
At a gal in his calculus class.
And now he knows why
When you’re solving for pie,
You don’t want to mention her mass.

Jon Gearhart:

When a quarterback drops back to pass,
The refs need a spy on his ass
To make sure that his balls
Are the right size. If all’s
Not the same, they’ve been letting off gas!

Konrad Schwoerke:

A fellow who made a lewd pass
Has confirmed for his wife he’s an ass
And a two-timing prick,
So she severs his dick–
Now it lies, like a snake, in the grass.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

In Praise of the Grumble (Limerick)

January 22nd, 2015

In Praise of the Grumble (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I pity the person who curbs me
From grumbling when something perturbs me.
I find grumbling essential
For humor potential;
How else would I know what disturbs me?

(Inspired by Joshua Rothman’s A Few Notes On Grumbling in The New Yorker.)

Limerick Time

January 21st, 2015

Limerick Time
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Don’t be TIM-id. Give LIM-’ricks a TRY.
There is NO need to FEAR them. Here’s WHY:
Simply CO-py my ME-ter.
(You WON’T be a CHEA-ter.)
Let A, a, b, B, a-rhyme FLY.

*****

Here’s my how to write limericks article.

View my Limerick Time limerick image here.

Word Hoarder (Limerick)

January 20th, 2015

Word Hoarder (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

With words, I am rather a hoarder.
My brain is a language importer.
Is it all for the birds?
How I long for my words
To arise in a risible order.

UPDATE: I just found out that January 9th was National Word Nerd Day.

Overzealous Deletes (Limerick)

January 18th, 2015

Overzealous Deletes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are times I make haste to delete
A phrase that feels lame or effete.
Then I suddenly think
That it doesn’t quite stink–
I can save it — “Control Z” you’re sweet!

Limerick Pass (Limerick-Off Monday) Rhyme Word: Pass or Surpass

January 18th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow who’d just made a pass…*

or

A fellow was trying to pass…*

or

I purchased an annual pass…*

or

A woman had hoped to surpass…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Pass
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A stoner was trying to pass
Forged fifties to pay for a class.
He got caught and was jailed
And then tried to get bailed
With more fakes, so his ass is now grass.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (198)

January 18th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man fell in love with a tart
@ lonely dot com backslash heart.
He craved her affection,
Yet used no protection,
And now his computer won’t start.

Congratulations to Allen Wilcox on winning the Limerick Saga Award for his clever 3-verser:

A man fell in love with a tart
Who thought that tattooing was art.
He, being quite daft,
Let her practice her craft
And proceed on his most private part.

As you might well imagine, the tart
Needed firmness before she could start.
So she used an injection
For proper erection
And pain pills brought in by the cart.

Her masterpiece finished, the tart
Explained that her tatting might smart,
And whenever he “sinned,”
He would always break wind,
Which made it a true work of fart.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ron B., Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The waitress had brought him a tart,
But Count Dracula fancied her heart.
So although at this venue
Blood’s not on the menu,
He just served himself à la carte.

Ron B.:

A fellow had picked up a tart
– At least so he thought at the start –
Until gasping for air
He announced with despair,
“’Twas a quiche with an art…uh…choke heart.”

Jon Gearhart:

Are philosophers’ words sweet or tart?
“I think so I am,” said Descartes.
Berkeley said, “If I am,
So is God.” “Life’s a sham.
Yes, it is. No it’s not.”– Jean-Paul Sartre.

Colleen Murphy:

If ever you’re dating a tart,
Precaution with sex would be smart.
You don’t know where she’s been.
To ignore’d be akin
To battling a gun with a dart.

Fred Bortz:

Marge Simpson was baking a tart
For Homer and Lisa and Bart.
She cried out, “Oh, no!
I’ve no yeast for the d’oh.”
But at least it gave Pesach a start.

Ron B.

Men madly will fall for a tart
Who, shallow of mind and of heart,
Will claim her vows taken
Have long been forsaken
By death never doing its part.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Pyro-Gourmaniacs

January 15th, 2015

Attention Pyro-Gourmaniacs! Are you all ready for Hot And Spicy Food Day? (January 16)

Limerick Ode To Pyro-Gourmaniacs
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Since my taste favors flavors that hurt,
“It’s not spicy enough,” I’ll assert,
As I dive for the water,
Which worsens the slaughter;
Can’t save taste buds for sav’ry dessert.

Yoga Tale (Limerick)

January 13th, 2015

Yoga Tale (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A student was learning a stretch
From her yoga instructor — a lech
Who made passes in classes;
He loved fetching asses.
A class action’s been filed v. that wretch.

*****
View my Yoga Tale Limerick image here.

Limerick Ode To “Clean Off Your Desk Day”

January 12th, 2015

Limerick Ode To “Clean Off Your Desk Day.”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s “Clean Off Your Desk Day” today.
I examine my mess with dismay.
What a foolscap-prediction–
That “paperless” fiction.
PCs save us? The trees all say, “Nay!”

(The second Monday of January is “National Clean Off Your Desk Day.”)

View my Clean Desk Limerick image here.

Tart Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday) Rhyme Word: Tart

January 10th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man fell in love with a tart…*

or

A fellow was eating a tart…*

or

A reviewer whose comments were tart…*

or

I prefer all my food to be tart…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Tart Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man fell in love with a tart,
But was warned an affair wasn’t smart.
Said his sourpuss pal:
“She’s a cat-around gal.
Only fools would give floozies their heart.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (197)

January 10th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ron B., who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Now as moss, I was “boss,” but as peat
I’m just rotting away in the heat
Till I’m bagged to be spread
On a vegetable bed
And be treated like dirt by a beet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Ron B., Marty McCullen, Kirk Miller, John Peter Larkin, Brian Allgar, and Allen Wilcox.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. ’Twas unwise,
For he couldn’t arise.
So she graded his work “Incomplete.”

Diane Groothuis:

A gardener needed some peat,
So he went to a house down the street,
Asked a housewife in red
“Can I get in your bed?”
She replied, “You can leave tout de suite.”

Jon Gearhart:

At long last, she was set to compete
With her flower beds fin’ly complete.
All top ribbons she’d take.
When asked, “How, for Pete’s sake?”
She replied it’s cuz SHE forsakes peat!

Ron B.:

A fellow who loved to compete
In races he couldn’t complete
Just entered to stare
At each cute derriere
He gladly chose not to defeat.

Marty McCullen:

A gardener needed some peat
From property just down the street,
So he set about tasking
Without even asking.
He’s now in a small jailhouse suite.

Kirk Miller:

Manufacturers always compete
At a watch-making industry meet.
It should not be a shock
That they all watch the clock.
It’s a race against Timex, quite neat.

John Peter Larkin:

Don’t laugh, but I plan to compete
in your upcoming track and field meet.
I know I’ll prevail.
No way I can fail,
’Cause there’s no one as good as a cheat.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker refused to compete
In the beef-eating contest’s last heat.
She explained “It was fun
For a while, but I’m done –
I’ve had more than enough of jerked meat.”

Allen Wilcox:

Lim’rick contests tempt all to compete.
The meter has rules you must meet.
If you don’t take the time
To make sure that you rhyme,
Mad will throw you right out on the street.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars

January 9th, 2015

Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though cars with no driver sound scary
And sharing their roads makes me wary,
Software doesn’t use gels,
Comb its tresses, dial cells,
Or smoke cigs, so the concept’s less hairy.

Elysian Limerick

January 8th, 2015

Elysian Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

With a life that’s elysian I’d miss
Mock’ry grist — things amiss – that’s not bliss!
I’d have nothing to say;
I can’t write ev’ry day
Without stuff that deserves a good diss.

(Inspired by the Twitter #WordStew prompt: ELYSIAN.)

View my Elysian Limerick image here.

A Playful Quatrain

January 7th, 2015

There’s wit that is lambent.
There’s humor that’s bent.
I’m feeling quite sheepish;
Had to search what “lambent” meant.

(Inspired by the Twitter #WordStew prompt: LAMBENT.)

View my Lambent quatrain image here.

Limerick Virtuoso

January 7th, 2015

Limerick Virtuoso
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A famed violin virtuoso
Said his student’s performance was “so-so.”
“You were NOT even there,”
She replied in despair.
The response from her prof: “I just know so.”

(Inspired by Merriam-Webster Word of the Day – VIRTUOSO)

View my Virtuoso Limerick image here.

Hiding In Verse (Limerick)

January 6th, 2015

Hiding In Verse (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was trying to hide
From problems he could not abide.
So he tossed off some verse,
Which made things far worse…
For his muse wasn’t taking his side.

View my Hiding in Verse limerick image here.

Verse for the Birds (Limerick and Quatrain)

January 5th, 2015

Happy “National Bird Day!”

A birder who’d frequently swear
His toupée was in fact his real hair,
Was caught by a gust,
And his toupe, not just mussed,
Flew the coop, leaving pate rather bare.

*****

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” –
People tell me that all of the time.
Such axioms give me a pain in the tush.
Were I queen, I would make them a crime.