Trick-Or-Treating Goes Green? (Limerick)

October 29th, 2014

Here’s a creepy Halloween-related survey:

More than half (53%) of parents of trick-or-treaters say their children between the ages of 4 and 10 would prefer cash over candy or even toys, according to a survey of 1,747 parents who celebrated Halloween carried out by coupon- and discount-code website Vouchercloud.net.

Trick-Or-Treating Goes Green? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

To you kids who want Halloween cash,
And not candy, your hopes I must dash.
If you ask me for money
Dear girly or sonny,
I’ll double the other kid’s stash.

Limerick Switch (Limerick-Off Monday)

October 25th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was fixing a switch…*

or

A gal who was wearing a switch…*

or

A woman was planning to switch…*

or

A fellow had pulled off a switch…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Switch
By Madeleine Begun Kane

As a miser was fixing a switch,
Standing high on a ladder, an itch
Made him twitch and then tumble,
His last words — a grumble:
“Oh no! Soon my sons will be rich.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (186)

October 25th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

By a grizzled old pig, I was gored.
As I waited for succor, I roared.
It was not the damned pain,
But emotional strain,
‘Cause I really do hate being bored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Tim James, Christopher Finch Reynolds, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Kevin Ahern. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

The gambler went out of his gourd
When the guy from the other team scored.
He had wagered his spouse,
Plus his truck and his house.
What on earth would he do with no Ford?

Tim James:

A woman went out of her gourd
As her paramour noisily snored.
After sex, though, she found
That he made not a sound,
So each night ever after he scored.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

A versatile fruit is the gourd:
It’s a pot in which liquid is stored,
While in China the sages
Kept crickets in cages,
As gourd music, when stringed, struck a chord.

Brian Allgar:

The candidate ended “Al Gore’d”;
In the popular vote, he’d outscored,
But a few dimpled chads
Fixed by Jeb and his lads
Meant that Dubbya got the reward.

Robert Schechter:

I went to Pamplona, was gored,
Then trampled beneath a great horde,
But no, I’m not whining.
There’s this silver lining:
For once I can’t say I was bored.

Byron Miller:

On our quest for the ultimate gourd,
We went driving upstate in our Ford;
Where we wandered like bumpkins
Through fields of ripe pumpkins;
Our children’s delight, the reward.

Kevin Ahern:

Norwegians bored out of their gourd
Seek vacations to provide them reward,
So everyone chooses
To go out on cruises.
It’s something they all can a fjord.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To “National Greasy Foods Day” (Oct. 25)

October 25th, 2014

Limerick Ode To “National Greasy Foods Day” (Oct. 25)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s “National Greasy Foods Day.”
What a concept! I have to say “Nay!”
Such a day sounds so cheesy.
The thought makes me queasy.
Melted brie? Hmmm, for THAT I might stray.

Limerick Ode To “National Nut Day” (October 22)

October 22nd, 2014

Limerick Ode To National Nut Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A morsel to chew on: It’s “Nut Day,”
As opposed to, say, “Sit On Your Butt Day.”
It celebrates food—
Not the fruitcakes whose ’tude
Seems deranged, but a “Junk For Your Gut Day.”

Limerick Ode To “Babbling Day” (October 21)

October 21st, 2014

Today’s the one day it’s okay to be a blatherskite. Why? Because it’s Babbling Day. Just don’t make a habit of it … like the fellow in my limerick:

Limerick Ode To “Babbling Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow who tended to rap
About nonsense was taking a nap.
“I’m so glad he’s asleep,”
Said his wife, “cuz I weep
And I yawn when he babbles that pap.”

May I Panic Yet? (Limerick)

October 21st, 2014

May I Panic Yet? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m trying quite hard not to panic,
But poll trends are making me manic.
Prospects never looked great,
And it seems now that fate
Has ensnared us inside the Titanic.

(More new-related poetry over at DVerse Poets Pub.)

High-Test Case (Humor Column)

October 19th, 2014

Reading about this nutty guy who has sex with cars, reminded me that many years ago I wrote a news-related humor column about a fellow who wanted to marry his car. So I explored the deep recesses of my laptop, looking for a 1999 column that I wrote when I was a humor columnist for TheCarConnection. And voila! I dug it up, got rid of all the ancient WordPerfect coding, and am posting it here:

A High-Test Case

By

Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband Mark swears that he’s never proposed to an automobile. The same can’t be said for Buster Mitchell of Knoxville, Tennessee who, according to an AP Wire story, tried to get a license to marry his car. Mr. Mitchell’s efforts raise the following questions:

1. Is he nuts?
2. Those must be some reclining seats; and
3. Is he nuts?

I also have to ask: When somebody says, “You may now kiss the bride,” which part does he … um … never mind.

According to Mark, I’ve left out the most important question of all: “What kind of car?” Okay — if you really must know — it’s a 1996 Mustang GT.

When I first heard about Mr. Mitchell’s quest, I assumed there must be a terrible shortage of women in Knoxville. But that’s not the case. At least it’s not the would-be groom’s particular problem. Mr. Mitchell claims to be on the rebound from an ill-fated romance with a human female. Jilted by his former girlfriend, he apparently figures that marrying a car beats scouting singles bars.

That’s one wedding I’d sure like to attend, if only to witness the happy couple’s first dance. (Although I’m not sure what you buy a bride who already has bucket seats.)

Alas, that wedding probably won’t take place. Why not? Because stick-in-the-mud civil servants looked askance at some salient details about the bride:

Birthplace: “Detroit”
Bride’s Father: “Henry Ford”
Bride’s Blood Type: “10-W-40″

Much to Mr. Mitchell’s chagrin, they ruled you must be a male and female Homo sapiens couple to wed. Spoil sports!

Mr. Mitchell’s thus far thwarted efforts — he says he’ll try again — shouldn’t surprise us. After all, men do tend to be oddly obsessed by cars. I’ve caught my husband Mark staring at sexy sports models more often than I’ve caught him leering at sexy model models.

We’ll be strolling down the street and in the nanosecond it takes me to check out a window display, he’ll vanish. After ten minutes of searching, I’ll find him lusting after a $60,000.00 sports car almost large enough to comfortably sit one and a half people.

“What kind of mileage do you get?” I’ll hear him ask the owner. As if people who buy cars like that place gas mileage on their list of top concerns.

I’ll drag him away, just as he’s saying “I’d buy one myself, but the little wife won’t let me.” The very thought of the two of us speeding off in a pricey sports car leaves me laughing too hard to yell at him for calling me a “little wife.” Besides, I’m both little and his wife, which does weaken my case.

After experiences like that, I can almost understand Mr. Mitchell’s automobile infatuation. Still, I can’t help thinking he’d be better off with a female of the human kind. Surely there’s a woman somewhere who’s right for him — maybe even one of you.

Think about it: Wouldn’t you women like to marry someone as determined and passionate as Buster Mitchell? Most important, do you think you’re any match for a Mustang? If you do, hurry up or down to Knoxville, Tennessee.

And don’t forget your lasso.

Copyright 1999 Madeleine Begun Kane, 1st published in TheCarConnection.com

Gored By Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

October 18th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman, bored out of her gourd,…*

or

A fellow was proud of his gourd…*

or

A fellow, alas, had been gored…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Gored By Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman, bored out of her gourd,
Stopped dating a guy she’d adored
Cuz she suddenly noticed
He’d not the remotest
Attraction … except for his sword.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (185)

October 18th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAWN EPSTEIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman expected to fret
When her husband brought home a Corvette,
But she soon was elated;
The car had inflated
His under-extended pipette.

Congratulations to KEVIN AHERN, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The fisherman now will not fret.
He’s in love with a lovely coquette
And knows that this lass
Will help him catch bass
Cuz he learned that her name is Annette.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Byron Ives, Tim James, Way2fractious a/k/a Noisemaker, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

“There is really no reason to fret,
Your retriever is fine,” said the vet,
“But I fear you are not,
For your nose is quite hot
When it ought to be chilly and wet.”

Kirk Miller:

If the turf on your lawn dies, don’t fret.
Simply go to a sod farm. I’ll bet
They will have what you need.
You don’t have to plant seed.
Instant grassification you’ll get.

Byron Ives:

Mr. Favre told his players, “Don’t fret
We’re down by eight points, but I’m BRETT.
We’ve less than a minute
But we’re gonna win it,
As soon as I sext that brunette.”

Tim James:

A trapeze artist tended to fret
’Cause as partners he only could get
Gals named Nancy and Claire.
As he spun through the air,
He so wanted to work with Annette.

Way2fractious:

At the opera, Mame started to fret
That she may have misplaced her lorgnette,
But the music she heard
Sounded really absurd.
Was that 8-track or maybe cassette?

Will T. Laughlin:

Though Republicans claim that they fret
At the size of the National Debt,
Just promise one more
Irresistible war
And observe how excited they get.

Allen Wilcox:

A fellow was starting to fret
That his memr’y was starting to get
A bit odd now and then,
Especially when
He forgot what he hoped to forget.

Jon Gearhart:

Fingers press the right string to each fret;
Strumming lightly, our love song you’ll get.
Such melodious tones
Harmonize with your moans
As I tickle your G-string, my pet.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

What NOT To Do On “National Boss’s Day” (Limerick) (Oct 16)

October 16th, 2014

What NOT To Do On “National Boss’s Day” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

On Boss’s Day don’t go adrift
By spending big bucks on a gift,
Cuz your boss guy or gal
Will be bound to think, “Pal,
If you needed a raise, you’d show thrift!”

(You can find more of my employment humor here.)

Limerick Ode “National Grouch Day” (Oct. 15)

October 15th, 2014

Limerick Ode To National Grouch Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though I’m loath to complain or to bitch,
When I hear about “Grouch Day,” I twitch.
I think beating the drums
For cantankerous bums
Is absurd! This vile day we must ditch!

Wexting? How Pedestrian! (Limerick)

October 14th, 2014

Wexting? How Pedestrian! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A habit that many find vexing
Is called “wexting.” I think it’s perplexing
To text while you walk.
If you wext, then I’ll balk
At sharing a path you’re annexing.

Limerick Ode To “International Skeptics Day” (Oct. 13)

October 13th, 2014

Limerick Ode To “International Skeptics Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

They say that it’s Skeptics Day. Why?
It’s a claim that I simply don’t buy.
Why THIS day, not THAT one?
I’ll gladly combat one
And prove that it’s pie in the sky.

*****
And a bonus haiku:

Can it really be
International Skeptics Day?
I’m skeptical.

Fretting About Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

October 11th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman who tended to fret…*

or

A fellow was told not to fret…*

or

A guitarist had broken a fret…*

or

A repairman was fixing a fret…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Fretting About Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A cellist would frequently fret
Over women the minute they met.
Could he strike the right chord?
But the gals all got bored;
He was one-note — not much of a get.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (184)

October 11th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JAMIE HUTCHINSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse, as well as the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for the same limerick:

My mouth is shut tight—not a crack—
Till my dentist can prove he’s no hack.
Then I see his degree
On the wall, and then we
Each say “Ah!” at the other one’s plaque.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Bob Dvorak, Byron Ives, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Tim James, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

In the kitchen, came ants through the crack,
So the homeowner tried to fight back.
The Formica he sprayed;
Their advance was delayed.
Then the ants made a counter-attack.

Brian Allgar:

The dentist made many a crack
Concerning his hygienist’s rack.
He was put in his place
With a punch in the face;
Now his teeth are displayed on her plaque.

Diane Groothuis:

A dancer was trying to crack
A role in “Le cygne du lac”
But the swan flew away
Just turning to say
“The trouble with me is I’m black.”

Jon Gearhart:

Sexual stresses could cause you to crack
When you’re called to perform in the sack.
If you can’t raise your todger
To give her a roger,
You’ll soon know of a lass and a lack.

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow tripped over a crack,
Which caused him to land with a thwack.
This unabashed nut
Took a look at his butt;
Said, “I cracked it!” (Aww. Cut him some slack.)

Byron Ives:

My windshield just suffered a crack
From a dove with a now broken back,
Broken wing, beak, and neck
So I thought, what the heck…
Then I skinned him and grilled me a snack.

Robert Schechter:

My captors believed I would crack
When they stretched out my bones on the rack,
But I did not break
Till they threatened to make
Me eat a McDonald’s Big Mac.

Will Laughlin:

“So what if the aquifers crack,
And the water turns smelly and black?
So what if we’re killing
The earth with our drilling?
We honestly don’t give a frack!”

Allen Wilcox:

The dentist discovered a crack
In a tooth that was way in the back.
He said its small size
Wouldn’t win me a prize,
But he gave me a plaque for my plaque.

Tim James, in Chaucerian mode:

A gallant olde knyghte took a crack
At slaying a dragon. Alack!
For the fyre-breathing beest,
In the mood for a feest,
Made the fellow a well-toasted snack.

Johanna Richmond:

Bottom-line, your selected word “crack”
Has me itching, by god, to talk smack!
Poised to bring in the rear,
I may butt in right here
With this cheeky announcement: I’m baaaccckk!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Python Massage? What Kind Of Snake Oil Are They Selling? (Limerick)

October 9th, 2014

Python Massage? What Kind Of Snake Oil Are They Selling? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A python massage? Thanks, but no!
It’s relaxing, you claim? I say whoa!
If it’s torture I’m after
(Now please hold your laughter)
Then off to the gym I shall go.

If you want a complimentary python massage, all you have to do is visit the Philippines Zoo.

Multitask THIS! (Limerick)

October 9th, 2014

Multitask THIS! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Multitasking is bad for your brain,
Says a study I read on the plane
While cleaning my purse,
Writing email and verse.
Now where WAS I? That study’s insane!

According to research done at Stamford University, we are all seriously screwed.

Limerick Ode To “Lovable Lawyers Day” (October 8)

October 8th, 2014

Limerick Ode To “Lovable Lawyers Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s “Lovable Lawyers Day.” Whee!
But this day isn’t greeted with glee.
It seems most people say:
“Love a Lawyer? No Way!”
But what about ex-Esqs … like me?

Limerick Ode To Allen Ginsberg

October 7th, 2014

Limerick Ode To Allen Ginsberg
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Were Ginsberg alive, how downbeat
Might he be at our nation, replete
With war, greed, repression,
Conformist aggression!
Would he Howl at our abject defeat?

“Beat” poet Allen Ginsberg read his controversial poem Howl for the first time on October 7, 1955 at Six Gallery, in San Francisco. It was the subject of an obscenity trial, but was decreed to be of “redeeming social importance.”