Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LOCK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 26, 2019)

October 12th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LOCK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to JAZZ, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best JAZZ-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 27 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 26, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my LOCK-rhyme limerick:

Politicians take actions that shock.
On stupidity, most have a lock.
But there’s one saving grace
In their steep downward race:
They at least give us something to mock.

And here’s my JAZZ-themed limerick:

A businessman, stodgy and bland,
Had a second career in a band.
He’d unwind, legs astride
His piano bench, wide,
Playing stride on an old baby grand.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (332)

October 12th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I said, “Sigmund, you must get a grip!
I’m not watching a cross-dresser strip.”
But he tuned out my plea;
Now I cannot unsee
What was under his Freudian slip.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boss-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mid-management suck-ups are worst;
Indulging their own selfish thirst.
Don’t ask for a raise,
Any guidance or praise;
The backsides they’re smooching come first.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “GRIP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BOSS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz:

The sailors all started to shirk
’Cause the man at the helm was a jerk.
He soon lost his grip
On the crew of the ship.
He was more Captain Hook than James Kirk.

Tim James:

My boss says, “I run a tight ship,”
As we’re crushed in his power-mad grip.
When I quit one fine day
I’ll look over his way;
The proverbial bird I will flip.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIP” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

I swallowed the ’shrooms, took a trip
On a glorious, mystical ship,
And words cannot say
What I gained on that day
From the lesson of losing my grip.

Roger Haugen:

When the sickly old man took a sip
Of a potion with unsurpassed zip,
The flu quickly fled–
He leapt from his bed,
So glad he was losing his grippe.

Jean McEwen:

Dick just should have bitten his lip,
But, enraged, he tripped up (lost his grip),
So he shrieked at his shrink,
“Bitch, you drive me to kink!”
(Then regretted his Freudian slip).

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOSS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Though I work every day at a loss,
My company won’t come across:
“There’s no money for you.”
And I know that it’s true,
Because actually, I’m my own boss.

Robert Schechter:

“Come here. Brush my teeth,” said my boss.
I did so and did not grow cross.
But I threw a big fit
And I threatened to quit
When he opened his mouth and said, “Floss!”

Dave Johnson:

A crabby, mean boss in Seattle
Grew sick of employees he’d battle.
But lately the word
Is he’s driving a herd;
He thinks he’ll do better with cattle.

Tim James:

His boss and he frequently clash,
And he suffers, as under the lash.
Here she comes, and he’s sure
There’s fresh hell to endure:
“If you would, dear, please take out the trash.”

Lisi Nortman: (Advice to the New Girl)

“Don’t get yourself into a tizzy;
You’re so nervous, you’re making me dizzy.
Remember, I said:
‘You must keep a cool head.
When the boss walks in, act like you’re busy.’”

Konrad Schwoerke:

The top dog at my firm is a jerk,
Always leering and touching at work.
But they laughed sans restraint
At my HR complaint;
Now the bitch makes me bump, grind, and twerk.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GRIP or GRIPPE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 12, 2019)

September 28th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GRIP or GRIPPE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BOSSES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BOSSES-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 13, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 12, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my GRIP/GRIPPE-rhyme limerick:

My mood has been taking a dip
Cuz I fear I’ve been gripped by the grippe.
“Just a cold,” says my doc.
“Get a grip and don’t squawk!
“My prescription: green tea and a nip.”

And here’s my BOSSES-themed limerick:

My boss tends to yammer and kvetch
And complain all the time, till you retch
From the onslaught of griping
And groaning and sniping…
But at least the guy isn’t a letch.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (331)

September 28th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Simply nothing will ever surpass
The laughs when I took my whole class
To the zoo; found a note
From a very cute goat
Saying, “Hey guys, ya got any grass?”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special GRAMMAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Steve Benko, Bindy Bitterman, Tony Holmes, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammuh,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote —
The hurricane hit Alabama!”

Lisi Nortman:

Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
And karefully wrote:
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE.”

Sharon Neeman:

Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram,
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.

A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog.
Am I writing too subtle a dig?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained everything hitting that note.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”

Steve Benko:

“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”

Bindy Bitterman:

When he slipped something into her tote,
She hoped for a sweet, loving note.
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about:
’Twas only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!

Tim James:

With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
’Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)

Tony Holmes:

An Italian tenor of note
Would, at times, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.

Brian Allgar:

The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed,
With a brain so acute
That there’s just no dispute.
(And now I’ll recite one allowed.)

Jean McEwen:

Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.

Steve Benko:

I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.

Bindy Bitterman:

Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead.
But what I done instead —
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!

Konrad Schwoerke:

A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Homonym Fun (Limerick)

September 14th, 2019

I just stumbled onto the new-to-me word FRATER: the dining room or refectory of a monastery. (Yes, I should have known it from “fraternal,” but I didn’t.) And as soon as I realized it’s a homophone type homonym of FREIGHTER, I felt compelled to write a limerick:

Don’t confuse the word “freighter” with “frater.”
One transports you; the latter will cater
To cuisine-needs monastic.
(I doubt it takes plastic.)
I’ll postpone further lessons for later.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NOTE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 28, 2019)

September 7th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NOTE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GRAMMAR, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GRAMMAR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 29, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. (Due to my travel schedule you’ll have one extra week to submit your clever, polished verse.) Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 28, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my NOTE-rhyme limerick:

A man who was singing by rote
Kept hitting an out of tune note.
But nobody cared;
Instead, they just stared.
He was cute, which “earned” everyone’s vote.

And here’s my GRAMMAR-themed limerick:

A woman encountered an ad
Whose grammar was markedly bad.
So she dashed off a note
To the sponsor and wrote:
“Are you even a middle school grad?”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (330)

September 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Nitroglycerin’s touchy, although
It’s quite safe in the hands of a pro.
Which I am. So don’t fret;
I’ve had no problems yet.
I’ve no fear it will ever explo―

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INTERNET HAZARD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You ask, “Why does Donald use Twitter
To govern?” Well, what could be fitter?
With his phone on his lap,
He can spew out some crap,
While the rest of it goes in the shitter.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tanja Cilia, Suzanne Heymann, Mike Moulton, John Shardlow, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PRO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

In translation, I’ve earned my good name;
I have reaped recognition and fame —
Ah, but even a pro
Can be dealt a grave blow
By an innocent Internet game:

“Only 10,000 words for today?
Fine! I’ll just take a moment to play…”
But those “moments” can cost —
No words done! Six hours lost!
And now all I can say is “Oy, vey.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRO” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

At a high-school debate long ago,
My opponent, alas, didn’t show,
But I was unfazed
And the crowd was amazed
As I argued both sides, con and pro.

Tim James:

His writing was that of a pro ―
A bit morbid and skin-crawly, though.
Talking birds, howling cats:
Stuff like that is just bats!
(A description that’s most aproPoe.)

Dave Johnson:

Some people are wearing GoPro;
Real handy for filming a show.
But here’s where its charm
Might be viewed with alarm:
Not turning it off when you go.

Tanja Cilia:

I bought a palatial chateau
For a long-lasting tryst with my beau.
But the plumbing was bust;
There was mold, rot, and dust,
And the place was all cons and no pro.

Dave Johnson:

My Labor Day burgers will show
I’m running the grill like a pro.
But knobs turned in vain
Showed a lack of propane;
It’s off to McDonald’s we go.

Suzanne Heymann:

If a worker says “Oops!” or “Oh no!”
Or appears to be nervous or slow,
Gives you sass or acts crass,
Has the brass to pass gas,
You can bet your sweet ass he’s no pro.

Mike Moulton:

One ev’ning, Melania said, “No,
My headaches do trouble me so,
And the baby won’t sleep.
Your urges will keep.”
Said Donald, “I‘ll hire a pro.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICK DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Her message exclaimed, “You’re so hot!”
I was flattered. I said, “Thanks a lot!”
We chatted. I fell
Quite under her spell
Till I learned it was love at first bot.

John Shardlow:

I’ve heard from an African Prince
Who’s doing his best to convince
Me to share in his wealth
And transfer by stealth
Dirty money he’s trying to rinse.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The Internet sure does “entice.”
(I’m obsessed with my wondrous device.)
But when networking broke,
I went downstairs and spoke
To my fam’ly; they seem really nice.

Fred Bortz:

The virus arrived undetected
In a message I never suspected.
The disguise was so slick.
All it took was one click.
My computer’s now sick. I’m infected!

Dave Johnson:

Some people we happened to meet
From an Airbnb up the street
Were full of despair;
Zero linens in there.
That really did happen – no sheet.

Sharon Neeman:

A Facebook ad showed Jim a blouse
That he thought he should buy for his spouse:
“She’s size ‘M'” — but what came
In the mail (to his shame)
Would have fit on an av’rage-sized mouse.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Tempting Limerick

September 5th, 2019

I’m pleased to have gotten an Honorable Mention in the Washington Post Style Invitational’s 16th annual Limerixicon limerick contest: Here’s my HM-earning limerick:

If you’re tempted to kiss or embrace
A stranger whose beauty and grace
Make her hard to resist,
Don’t do it! Her fist
Just might land in a delicate place.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PRO at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 7, 2019)

August 25th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PRO at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INTERNET HAZARDS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INTERNET HAZARD-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 8, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 7, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my Pro-Rhyme limerick:

You’re unlikely to earn any dough
By becoming a limerick pro.
But you might get applause
And some giggles, guffaws,
And awards, if you give it a go.

And here’s my Internet Hazard-Themed limerick:

Bought a gadget online — what a steal!
Quite expensive, yet still a great deal.
I just wish it would come;
The wait’s making me glum,
And I’m praying the seller is real.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (329)

August 25th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Here’s a verse for a sympathy card:
“I regret that your life’s been so hard.
But mine’s been much worse
So I just can’t disburse
Any pity for you.” (Signed, “The Bard.”)

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special HOBBY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A couple went out one fine day
Watching birds (as they later would say).
They agreed to begin
With a cardinal sin
And to end by enjoying a jay.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Tim Gray, Roger Haugen, David Kay a/k/a LimeriTweets a/k/a WoodyGuth3, Bill Pfeil, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CARD” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

A.G. Barr plays the Potus’s card,
The “Can’t be indicted” canard.
This lying old creep
Sells his honor too cheap;
Let us hope that he’ll soon be disBarred.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

It’s important! You must disregard
Certain mail, even though it is hard.
Throw it right in the trash
As quick as a flash,
If it says, “Pre-approved Credit Card.”

Tim James:

I once knew a guy named Bernard
Who held gals in the lowest regard.
When he met one buff lass,
He grabbed hold of her ass.
I sent him a nice get-well card.

Tim Gray:

If you want to be feathered and tarred,
Tell the truth on Trump’s golfing score card.
Just double the score,
So a two putt means four,
But prepare to be roasted and charred.

Roger Haugen:

He grunted and sweated and sparred,
Tuning up for the big boxing card;
But worst came to worst–
Knocked out in the first;
All that work couldn’t shed enough lard.

David Kay:

Your contest just caught me off guard,
And your rules truly make it quite hard.
I’ll give it a shot
With the best that I got,
But I’ll have to bring in a Trump card.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOBBY-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Writing lim’ricks is quite an obsession;
You burst with creative expression.
Is it just a pursuit
To be clever or cute?
(Or is it demonic possession?)

Brian Allgar:

Our beloved Commander-in-Chief
Is heaving a sigh of relief.
His “hobby,” so lewd,
Will remain unpursued.
“Poor Jeffrey!” he cries, with fake grief.

Bill Pfeil:

The show’s graphic and gross! Viewers cringe;
It is vulgar TV on the fringe.
Moral decency? None!
“But it’s brilliant and fun,”
‘Rick and Morty’ fans say as they binge.

Tim James:

I was sick, bored, confined to my bed,
So my wife gave me needle and thread.
“It’s embroid’ry. Explore it!”
I’d no talent for it.
“Stick with it!” was all that she said.

Jean McEwen:

A drum majorette, past her heyday,
Was suddenly heard to cry “MAY DAY!”–
As her aim (inexact)
Got her skull whacked and cracked.
(Now she twirls just for fun, not a payday.)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I tried to get into the groove
And ski till I’d surely improve.
But I really got scared
And just wasn’t prepared
For the sign: “CAUTION: Trees Do Not Move!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Unfashionable Limerick

August 21st, 2019

A woman with terrible taste
Believed fashion and style were a waste,
And when items she owned
Became trendy she groaned;
They were thrown in the garbage posthaste.

Happy World Fashion Day! (August 21)

Another Limerick Ode To “International Nagging Day” (August 14)

August 14th, 2019

It’s Nagging Day. Please don’t applaud
All those prodders who act like they’re god,
As they talk themselves hoarse:
“Go do this!” “Take that course!”
Here’s a thought: one-way tickets abroad.

Happy International Nagging Day! (August 14)

Not Tickled Pink Over Rosé (Limerick)

August 14th, 2019

I’m not a big fan of rosé.
Drink anything pink? I say “Nay!”
I’ll have white wine or red,
Or some cognac, instead.
Even better, tequila! Olé!

Happy International Rosé Day! (August 14)

Limerick Ode To Eyeglasses

August 13th, 2019

I was reading some mind-numbing prose,
Which apparently caused me to doze.
I’ve awakened — can’t see!
Did my eyeglasses flee,
Somehow slipping from nose-tip to toes?

Happy Eyeglasses Day! (August 13)

Limerick Ode To Filet Mignon

August 13th, 2019

Happy Filet Mignon Day! (August 13)

Dear chef, though I rarely eat steak,
There is one small exception I’ll make:
A dainty filet
Mignon makes my day.
No imposter-cuts! Don’t be a snake!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CARD at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 24, 2019)

August 10th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CARD at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HOBBIES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HOBBY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 25, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 24, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my CARD-rhyme limerick:

A woman would try to discard
Attic junk, but her spouse made it hard;
The pack rat retrieved
The “antiques” that she heaved
In the trash, his “save” record unmarred.

And here’s my HOBBY-themed limerick:

A bright but annoying young bloke
Has a hobby; he’ll stoke and provoke.
He’s been booted from sites
For incitement of fights.
No one buys his “’Twas only a joke!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (328)

August 10th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow was high as a kite
’Cause his girlfriend had made him that night
Special brownies and cakes.
Yes, she knows what it takes
For a guy to feel love at first bite.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THREAT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A director whose films are quite lewd,
Would tell a new actor, “I’m rude
If somehow I fail
To disclose one detail:
Show up and you’re gonna get screwed.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Val Fish, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, John Cooney, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BITE/BYTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

I am teaching our doggy to bite
Any yellow-haired morons on sight,
So both Johnson and Trump
Will be nipped in the rump
As our dog wags his tail with delight.

Val Fish:

’Twas a nightmare, a terrible fright;
Count Dracula taking a bite.
But then I awoke;
It was hubby’s sick joke.
He slept DOWNSTAIRS the rest of the night.

Jean McEwen:

“Fear not!” Trixie said. “Just sit tight!
Buster’s bark is much worse than his bite!”
And so, trusting her word,
I sat tight — but incurred
Twelve deep gashes I’m nursing tonight.

Brian Allgar:

I roamed through the forest at night;
One tree was surprisingly bright.
Two eyes in the bark
That gleamed in the dark–
Who could know that the critter would bite?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I got rid of those bed bugs that bite
And now I can fin’ly sleep tight.
But what’s that I hear
Climbing into my ear?
Did something just say “Nighty Night?”

Tim James:

With the racism, rancor, and spite
From a dimwit whose head just ain’t right,
It’s depressing to know:
Eighteen months still to go.
May I please have a bullet to bite?

Robert Schechter:

What’s that? What you say isn’t right.
Though a dog when it barks is not quite
Being friendly, the cur
That I’ll always prefer
Is the one who just barks but won’t bite.

Kirk Miller:

A computer store owner named Wright
Has a good sense of humor and might
Post a sign when he’ll go
Out to lunch so folks know:
“Be Wright back, went to get a quick byte.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THREAT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

He said nothing, made no idle chat,
But the threat was still clear, for all that:
“Great and mighty am I;
Disobey me and die!”
(That’s a typical ’tude for a cat.)

John Cooney:

“Hello, I’m not in at the minute.
Be brief with your message. Begin it
With age, sex, location,
And key information:
Your address and when no one is in it!”

Lisi Nortman:

We’ve only just recently met,
But already I’m starting to sweat;
She proclaimed, “Let’s get married!”
And now I am harried
Cuz that is one serious threat!

Dave Johnson:

To kiddies, a parent would drone:
“Behave – or you’ll sit all alone!”
That’s back in the day;
Now they’re likely to say:
“Enough – or I’m taking your phone!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Color Me Confused (Limerick)

August 2nd, 2019

A coloring book meant for those
Who ain’t kids anymore? Heaven knows
Why the market’s gone mad
With this dubious fad.
I’ll be sticking with lim’ricks and prose.

Happy National Coloring Book Day! (August 2)

Two Limericks For Uncommon Musical Instrument Awareness Day

July 31st, 2019

Since July 31st is “Uncommon Musical Instrument Awareness Day,” here’s a pair of limericks about archaic instruments:

A foolish, though musical fellow
Played bassoon, oboe, sax — even cello.
But auditions were few.
Competition? A slew!
So he learned the passé bassanello.

*****

A harpist was playing her chrotta
At a sporting event — a regatta.
She performed rather well,
But the gig went to hell
When a harpy (non-fan) threw frittata.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BITE or BYTE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 10, 2019)

July 27th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BITE or BYTE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to THREATS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best THREAT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 11, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 10, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my BITE/BYTE-rhyme limerick:

A fellow who’d spent his last dime
On a reference book about rhyme,
Wrote light verse day and night.
Some was trite. Some had bite.
But none sold, so he moved on to crime.

And here’s my THREAT-themed limerick:

“Kindly don’t call me ‘Ms.’ Call me ‘Miss,’
Said a gal with a rather loud hiss.
“All that feminist crap
Makes me sick,” went her rap.
“And I’ll sue you cuz ‘Ms.’ is a diss.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!