Pardon My French! (Limerick)

March 20th, 2023

I used to speak French fairly well,
But my accent is no longer belle,
And my “je ne sais quoi”
Is reduced to a blah.
(That damn phrase is a struggle to spell!)

(Happy UN French Language Day! — March 20)

Meta Limerick?

March 19th, 2023

My humor is subtle at times,
And those are my fav’rites – my “primes.”
But I also will stoop
To what some might call “poop” –
In despair, I’ll just go for the rhymes.

Unadventurous Limerick

March 13th, 2023

An adventurous person? Hee-hee!
I’m a bit of a coward, you see.
So to physical risks,
I say “No!” All my discs
And my bones seem essential to me.

Limerick Ode To DST

March 11th, 2023

If you live in a part of our nation
That creates DST irritation
Via forward or back
Clock adjustments, alack!
Spring ahead for some sleep deprivation!

Going In Circles (Limerick)

March 9th, 2023

Since I couldn’t find a prompt that tickled my muse today, I used an idiom list instead. Here’s the result:

I’m going in circles. Not fun!
It’s late and I’m irked — job’s undone.
Starting over’s upsetting;
I’m tense, anxious, fretting,
And fear that it’s back to square one.

Happy Proofreading Day! (Limerick)

March 8th, 2023

A limerick for National Proofreading Day:

It’s “National Proofreading Day,”
A reminder to keep flubs at bay.
Uncaught flaws in my verse
Are dismaying; I curse
At my lapses on shameful display.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 1, 2023)

March 4th, 2023

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WHEELS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WHEEL-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 2, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 1, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE-Rhyme Limerick:

A young fellow, no more than nineteen,
Would steal golf carts and often be seen
Careening around
On his campus. He’d found
A trump card: His dad was the Dean.

And here’s my WHEELS-Themed Limerick:

When I ask for the wheel, you refuse me.
“Backseat driver,” you say? Don’t accuse me!
I’m in front, so your claim
Is abusive and lame.
It’s so foolish, you almost amuse me.

And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:

Ever been to a bus’ness lunch? Yuk!
You’ve one scheduled? You’re stuck? Well, good luck!
I’m no fan of such meals,
Where you’re s’pposed to make deals,
Watch your manners, and NEVER say “Fuck!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (506)

March 4th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

One shy hermit with friends on the Net,
Prefers people that he’s never met.
He’s hoping to get a
Nice girlfriend on Meta —
One that comes with a virtual pet.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the CLASS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

He’s an art student — also, an ass.
When he draws a nude model, alas,
He enhances her tits
And her lower-down bits.
He’s advanced to the head of the crass.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.

I make all my own outfits from scratch,
From odd remnants of which I’ve a batch.
Says one friend who’s elite,
“Plaids and stripes are both sweet,
But perhaps you could do with a match.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Charles Simmons, Tim James, Linda Thompson, Vaughn Fritts, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Jon Gearhart, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bindy Bitterman, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NET-RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The hooker was starting to sweat
At the task that she found she’d been set.
Though she said she could toot
On her customer’s flute,
His was more like a bass clarinet.

Terry Marter:

“You’ve won,” said this gal on the net.
“A two-for-one trip to Tibet.”
I sent her the dough
And packed ready to go.
But I haven’t heard back from her yet.

Charles Simmons:

He hit his last ball in the net
And lost the last point in the set.
He started to scream,
Just to let off some steam,
Then noticed his pants getting wet.

Tim James, for his “The State of the Union.”

The question, once Biden got set:
How insane would Republicans get?
Though opinions were varied,
Each Dem should have carried
Some tranqs and a butterfly net.

Linda Thompson:

In winter I wore for a bet
A flimsy pink dress made of net.
My nipples? They froze!
And so did my nose.
They haven’t thawed out, as of yet.

Tim James:

“Be my wingman,” he begged me. “Get set,
’Cause this bar has the hottest girls yet.
Look around. You’ll agree:
Lots of fish in the sea.
Be a pal; help me haul in the net.”

Vaughn Fritts:

A fisherman tossed in the towel
And yelled at the fish with a scowl.
“By hook or by net
You’re too hard to get!
Let this be your funeral cowl!”

Tim James:

He didn’t intend to beget
A child with the barmaid, Yvette.
Still, he’ll “do the right thing”
For his butt’s in a sling
As he faces her dad’s bayonet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLASS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

“I once took some courses at Bard’s
And went for the darn whole nine yards.
In one music class
I heard Philip Glass
Wrecking music and leaving just shards.”

Dave Johnson:

When students are let out of class,
The beach is one big, teeming mass.
Spring breakers descend;
When will this ever end?
One way to describe it: morass.

Tim James:

A classless Floridian gov
Is competing for right-wingers’ love.
The nonsense he spews
Insults anyone who’s
Got an IQ of 12 or above.

Jean E McEwen:

Though decidedly born middle class,
Dee feels strongly compelled to surpass
Her peers in their standing
But, what a crash landing!
She’s hit a thick ceiling of glass.

Tony Holmes:

“To be born lower-class doesn’t mean
That you have to stay humble, old bean.
You may rise through the ranks,
Make a pile and own banks,
And become nouveau riche – and obscene.”

Vaughn Fritts:

The waitress thought he was an ass
And thoroughly lacking in class.
He picked up the tab
For lobster and crab
But tipped her in belches and gas.

Mike Moulton:

“Being woke,” says DeSantis, “is wrong.”
Being diff’rent means you don’t belong.
By ignoring the past
The future is cast,
So the weak can be crushed by the strong.

Dave Johnson:

The x-rated call-up was crass;
Auditioning actors with sass.
One fellow was sought
For the member he brought
And rose to the head of the class.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.)

Jean McEwen:

In the annals of studs, he’s elite,
For his cock measures nearly two feet!
His dong is so long,
It’s the subject of song
And a treat for all women in heat.

Terry Marter:

Here’s a long story short: We’re a match.
It’s our second time ’round (that’s the catch.)
But we’re over the glitch
And we still got the itch,
So tonight we’ll be starting from scratch.

Jon Gearhart:

The police in my town aren’t discrete.
Their rep is well-known on the street.
In their need to loom large,
(Elite/Pushy/In charge)
They make certain they don’t miss a beat.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One walrus bull, still in his youth,
Was pushy and often uncouth.
He approached a young cow,
Barking, “Let’s do it NOW —
Before we get long in the tooth!”

Terry Marter:

She was rich; an elite — quite a catch.
For a lowly policeman, no match…
Or so one might think.
But he gave her a wink;
Now they’re married with kids (quite a batch.)

Bindy Bitterman:

The police here are known to be tough.
Arresting you’s just not enough.
You fight back and you’re pushy?
You’ll land on your tushy,
’Cause none of ’em take any guff!

Lisi Nortman, for her “Very Mean Mother.”

“How in hell will you find a good catch,
When all of your outfits don’t match?
Listen up, ‘old maid’ Ruth:
You are long in the tooth.
Get movin’ before your eggs hatch!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Taking Refuge In Limericks

February 21st, 2023

“Two weeks at a refuge sounds sweet,”
Said a stressed-out young woman. “I’m beat!”
When she got there, a crone
Said “Hand over your phone!”
So the gal beat a hasty retreat.

Aligning My Verse (Haiku and Limerick)

February 20th, 2023

Using the poetry prompt “align,” I turned my haiku into a limerick:

A prompt’s been assigned.
Should Rhymezone-dot-com be mined?
My rhymes are aligned.

***

A poetry prompt’s been assigned.
Rhymezone tempts me with rhymes to be mined.
I could write some haiku,
But I’ve lim’ricks to do.
Must ensure that my rhymes are aligned.

The Boorish Flirt (Limerick)

February 18th, 2023

A relentless and boorish old flirt
Seemed immune to retorts that were curt.
Subtle hints did not work
On this pestilent jerk
In his quest for what HE called “a skirt.”

Flagrantly Fragrant Limerick

February 17th, 2023

A bride, who’d worn too much perfume,
Made folks fume in the small chapel room.
The essence was floral.
Its strength caused a quarrel.
And that’s how the bride lost her groom.

A Youngster’s Quandary (Limerick)

February 15th, 2023

A young girl had twin sisters, thirteen,
And, alas, both were older and mean.
When she tried tit for tat,
Parents called her a “brat.”
The poor tween was betwixt and between.

Sports-Challenged Limerick

February 11th, 2023

I am NOT up on sports — not at all,
Though I’m guessing most sports use a ball.
Many don’t? Goes to show
How little I know!
Please forgive me my terrible call!

A Cooked Up Complaint? (Limerick)

February 9th, 2023

A lawyer whose molar was aching
Lambasted a bakery’s baking:
Said his tooth had been marred
By a dangerous shard—
A shakedown, methinks, in the making.

(National Toothache Day falls on February 9.)

Hot For Hot Cuisine (Limerick)

February 6th, 2023

When I first had “hot” food, I went wild.
(The cuisine I’d grown up with was mild.)
From then on, I sought “spicy
And hot,” which is dicey.
Ask a “French chef” for zesty? He’s riled!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NET at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 4, 2023)

February 4th, 2023

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NET at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CLASS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CLASS-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 5, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 4, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my NET-Rhyme Limerick:

Though you claim that you’re sorry, it’s clear
That you’re saying it just out of fear,
And you’re hoping to net
Some forgiveness. Bad bet!
You are poor at appearing sincere.

And here’s my CLASS-Themed Limerick:

If you’re totally lacking in class
And you always behave like an ass,
Then kindly don’t whine
And call someone a swine
Who’s responded in kind with some sass.

And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:

A pushy young fellow named Pete
Had a longing to join the elite.
He was far from a saint,
And showed little restraint,
So Peter’s now under concrete.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (505)

February 4th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A stripper whose outlook was screwed,
With her crowds got increasingly rude.
So she took some time off.
(Not a thread did she doff.)
Then returned to work, fresh and re-nude.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the DESTRUCTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

One cat, with just four little paws
And some teeth in her two tiny jaws,
Pushed three plates off the table,
Ate all she was able,
And puked on the rest. Why? Because.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL.

To keep this year’s diet on track,
I’ve developed a three-step attack;
Not a punishing stride,
but a nice, easy slide–
One step forward, another two back.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Don Lazarre, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDE, RUED or ROOD-RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

A starving philosopher rued
That day when he busked in the nude.
Naked truth in the street
Didn’t help make ends meet,
But it DID give him more thought for food.

Lisi Nortman:

As a carpenter, I could tell tales
Of all of my sweat and travails.
Standing here, at the rood,
I’m beginning to brood,
Cause they’re using the wrong kind of nails.

Terry Marter:

When the Haiku police came, I rued
The day that I wrote one ’bout food:
The subject was Thyme,
But I’d slipped in a rhyme.
I must now eat my words or be sued.

Rudy Landesman:

From Russia, that much troubled nation,
There’s news that has caused a sensation.
When folks there allude
To Putin as rude,
They’re subject to defenestration.

Tim James:

While in England, and looking for food,
I sought help from a whimsical dude.
He said, “Eighty roods down,
Take a left into town.”
Thanks a lot. What the hell is a rood?

Doug Harris:

The media hypers are glued
To Prince Harry’s pulp fiction and feud.
It’s a sorry affair
That he feels like a Spare,
But to blame his old dad is just rude!

Don Lazarre:

To Santa, she wrote “I ask you:
‘When sleeping, you SEE us. That true?
If you do, that is rude
Cuz I sleep in the nude!
And ain’t THAT worth a present or two?’”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

There once was a lamplighter dude,
Whose career choice was one that he rued.
His one true desire?
To be the town crier;
So he stood in the street and boo-hooed.

Dave Johnson:

Some kind of morality nut
Described it as “vertical smut.”
Though seemingly lewd,
It’s not meant to be rude;
Cuz twerking is anything butt.

Mark Totterdell:

I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh f**k!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DESTRUCTION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

At the altar of Mammon he kneeled
And prayed for some bonds with high yield.
In this God he did trust,
But the market went bust;
And no longer is he so well-heeled.

Jean McEwen:

Matt Goetz has set out to destroy
Civil order; he’ll use any ploy
To help burn down the House.
He’s a certified louse,
With disdain for the mass hoi polloi.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I asked a Republican pundit:
“Our Democracy, sir, have you shunned it?”
“We’ve destroyed it,” he said,
“But it isn’t quite dead,
So we’re passing a bill to defund it.”

Tim James:

The crew of a starship took stock
Of the Earth. They regarded in shock
War, destruction, and hate.
Their report home will state:
“No intelligent life on this rock.”

Dave Johnson:

His brainchild was nervy and brash;
Investing in digital cash.
While some made a buck,
Many others were stuck;
Invited to join in the crash.

Rudy Landesman:

A concern in the bedroom was key
In destroying my marriage for me.
She left me one day.
So, what’s there to say?
My dildo was cursed with E.D.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION – STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL)

Lisi Nortman:

The masochist “I Love Pain” Flo
Begged “Punish me, dear darling, Joe.”
In a very swift stride
“Sadist Joe” went outside.
(Before closing the door, he said, “No!”)

Jean McEwen:

Denied bail, Stu was fit to be tied,
Refusing to take it in stride,
As the price to be paid
When one murders the maid
And then boils and ingests her raw hide.

Brian Allgar:

I decided to punish the fly.
“You’ve annoyed me too long, you must die!”
I attempted to swat it,
And thought I had got it –
Instead, it flew into my eye.

Lisi Nortman:

I hired your handyman Phil.
He walked in, but it wasn’t a thrill,
Cuz he opened his fly,
And I said, with a sigh,
“That does NOT take the place of a drill.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“I would send a nice letter — oh, fie!”
Charlotte scrawled, “But no paper have I.
It was handy last year,
But I’ve lost it, I fear.
So I’m writing to you on the fly.”

Tim James:

“I know art, lit, and science,” said I.
“I’m a suave, cultured Renaissance guy.”
Said my date, “Epic fail!
One last thing, then I’ll bail:
Leonardo, please zip up your fly.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Puzzling Limerick

January 29th, 2023

It’s “National Puzzle Day,” which gives me a good excuse to post this limerick:

I never play Wordle in “hard mode.”
It feels like a feathered and tarred mode.
I would rather control
All my moves, on the whole.
It’s too bad they don’t offer a “bard mode.”

“Kazoo Day?” Why??? (Limerick)

January 28th, 2023

I am NOT a big fan of kazoos.
The mere sound of one makes me think “Booze!”
What loser invented
That plaything demented?
Buzz off, cuz I’m getting the blues!

(Happy “National Kazoo Day,” if you insist.)