Trim Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

September 27th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow liked gals who were trim…*

or

A woman went in for a trim…*

or

A fellow was trying to trim…*

or

A woman was painting the trim…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Trim Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When a woman who needed a trim
Cut her hair rather short on a whim,
Her spouse baldly sued
For divorce, using rude,
Snippy grounds: “She resembles a ‘him.’”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (182)

September 27th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The comic made jokes that were lame.
“I’ll tell you why Caesar’s my name:
I was set in a whirl
By this beautiful girl –
I saw her, I conquered, I came.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Jon Gearhart, Brendan Powers, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

Mother’s sister is just a bit lame,
But she has quite a powerful frame.
She encountered a mugger
And laid out the bugger.
Since then she’s been called “Auntie Maim.”

Byron Miller:

If while hunting, you leave your prey lame,
Please don’t make it your new claim to fame.
It’s not cool when you brag
About wounding a stag…
Unless aiming to maim is your game.

Jon Gearhart:

Do you want to know what I think’s lame?
I’m sick of our Congress’s game.
Are political folk
In all countries a joke?
I’ll bet Poland has more of the Sejm.

Brendan Powers:

My boss, he tells jokes that are lame.
“You’re so funny!” I falsely proclaim.
That’s the way it must go
Until I’m CEO
And can give him a dose of the same!

Fred Bortz:

Brigitte’s lingerie isn’t lame,
But that’s what her posts oft proclaim.
I declare here today
That she’s hot in lamé.
It’s the “accent aigu” that’s to blame!

Kirk Miller:

My TV has a setting that’s lame.
It’s a shame they mislabeled the name.
I set “brightness” to “max”
And then gave a few whacks,
But intelligence stayed just the same.

Tim James:

A fellow, incredibly lame,
Cried in rapturous joy when he came:
“I love you, Liz, madly!”
It ended quite badly
’Cause Elizabeth wasn’t her name.

Sue Dulley:

The earliest lim’ricks were lame:
“There once was a man (insert name)
Who did (such-and-such,
Not amounting to much)…”
And line 5 as line 1 was the same.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Me, Myself, & I (Limerick)

September 25th, 2014

Do you cringe when people incorrectly use the reflexive pronoun “myself” instead of “me?”

Myself too! (And yes, I was joking.)

Misuse of “myself” is widespread.
It’s an error that people should shed.
To reflexively use it
And often abuse it
May stop you from getting ahead.

Lame Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

September 20th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal who was terribly lame…*

or

A man made a joke that was lame…*

or

The plot of the movie was lame…*

or

The defense he presented was lame…*

or

A man whose excuses were lame…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Lame Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A heel whose excuses were lame
Would always find someone to blame
For his life in the dregs.
But his claims had no legs,
And he ran out of folks to defame.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (181)

September 20th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Will T. Laughlin:

So why’d the cathedral collapse?
I’m afraid it’s a clear story, chaps:
Some knave with a phone
(For reasons unknown)
Attempted to download the apse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Jim Delaney, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jon Gearhart:

Into deep coma sleep he will lapse
After waking at 5, so perhaps
He should go hit the head
Right that minute instead
Of him peeing at 6 while he naps.

Brian Allgar:

A girl who loved sitting on laps
Was a tease who would tantalize chaps.
As she squirmed and she wriggled,
“What’s this, then?” she giggled,
“A gun in your trousers, perhaps?”

David Lefkovits:

There once were some lanky old Lapps
Who ate what they caught in their traps;
They’d fry Finnish fritters
From all of those critters
And fashion the furs into caps.

Jim Delaney:

A man on the verge of collapse
Asked advice from some medical chaps:
“Will I live through the night?”
They confounded his fright
With a calm, reassuring, “Perhaps.”

Allen Wilcox, whose limerick can be read either as written, or in numerical order. He notes that “the numbers refer to the ‘real’ line order.”

1. My memory’s suffered a lapse.
5. To recover I have to take naps.
4. I start feeling deranged.
3. The lines are exchanged.
2. I have limerick line order gaps.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Lemon Of A Crime (Limerick)

September 17th, 2014

A Seattle Crime Report: A man walked into a KFC and hurled a round, yellow, $5.19 KFC-brand lemon cake at store employees. Then he walked out, without hitting any of the workers.

A Lemon Of A Crime (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear assaulter, I must ask you why
You went into a store and let fly
With a KFC cake.
That’s a half-baked mistake…
Cuz the weapon of choice is a pie.

Wife Appreciation Day Limerick (3rd Sunday of September)

September 17th, 2014

Attention fellows! This coming Sunday is a very important holiday. Yes, I know I’m a bit early. But for a day like this, I’m betting you could use some extra notice: National Wife Appreciation Day.

Limerick Ode To Wife Appreciation Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

On September’s third Sunday it’s wise
To appreciate wives. They’re a prize
You should cherish and treasure.
They give so much pleasure.
Beg pardon? RESPECTIVE wives, guys!

We Don’t Have A Dog’s Chance Of Dancing Like That (Limerick)

September 16th, 2014

This “dog dancing the Merengue video” is so good, Mark and I may never try to Latin-dance again.

At Merengue we aren’t too swift.
Latin dancing? We haven’t the gift.
Any skill we once had
Went from middling to bad.
Yes it’s gone to the dogs, and I’m miffed.

Limerick Laps (Limerick-Off Monday:

September 13th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal who could not resist laps…*

or

A fellow had staged a collapse …*

or

A fellow would often swim laps…*

or

My memory’s suffered a lapse…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Laps
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow would often swim laps
While asleep, in the midst of his naps.
This quirk irked his wife,
Concerned for his life,
So he plunged into sleep-pool and craps.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (180)

September 13th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

At the cheese plant, we all had to flee
From explosions they didn’t foresee.
At the end of the day,
Heard a newscaster say
That the only thing left was de Brie.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Jon Gearhart, Will T. Laughlin, Kirk Miller, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

Her brain was the size of a flea,
And she couldn’t think how it could be
That she needed to pay
For the toilet that day,
With the lock on the door showing FREE.

David Lefkovits:

There once was a Francophone flea
Who perched on a pooch in Paris.
Not a bit would he shrink
From what others may think:
“Une petite parasite? Oui, je suis!”

Jon Gearhart:

All my dogs have had many a flea.
If I bug fleas or dogs, they’ll bite me
I have learned that it’s best
To let sleeping dogs rest
And to also let leaping bugs be.

Will T. Laughlin:

The audience threatened to flee
When I broke into Rose of Tralee.
“Well,” said I, with a sneer,
“What would YOU like to hear?”
Then they all shouted: 4’33.”

Kirk Miller:

U.S. settlers forced natives to flee
And declared this the land of the free.
Gave them parcels of land,
Then revoked it as planned.
We were Indian givers, you see.

Byron Ives:

Here is when he decided to flee:
He’d slipped his hand up past her knee
And intended to nail her,
Then found her impaler.
Good God! She was longer than he!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

An Old Story (Limerick)

September 9th, 2014

An Old Story (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you’d like to feel old, here’s a way–
Besides all those aches and that gray–
Arrive home, and then hear
From your husband, “My dear,
Your Medicare card came today.”

Joan Rivers Goes Out In Style (Limerick)

September 7th, 2014

By all accounts, Joan Rivers’ memorial service was a remarkable affair:

Joan Rivers Goes Out In Style (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Rivers really went out with a bang.
Pipers played, comics joked, singers sang.
And of course there was crying,
As spirits were flying–
The yin of a death … and the yang.

Fleeing Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

September 6th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was tempted to flee…*

or

A dog owner spotted a flea…*

or

A man who would not hurt a flea…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Fleeing Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was tempted to flee
While enjoying a sexual spree,
Cuz an absence of tact
Interfered with the “act”–
He distinctly heard someone’s “Tee-hee!”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (179)

September 6th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The fellow was robbing their nest
Of their eggs, and the hens were distressed.
They were out of their wits,
So they pecked him to bits–
He’d forgotten his pullet-proof vest.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mad gave us a seven-day stay,
A Labor Day verse to assay.
I may sound like a jerk,
But that’s way too much work!
I’ll bear down when they pass Goof-Off Day.

Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

With my daughters now out of the nest,
There’s an issue that need be addressed:
Before it’s too late
I must work with my mate
To rekindle the zest we’ve repressed.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, Bill Klein, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Randy Mazie, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Byron Ives:

The triplets got kicked from their nest,
Two boys and a girl, dispossessed.
They walked, but she faltered,
Her huge boobs, un-haltered.
The brothers then each walked abreast.

Bill Klein:

A woman who’d seen that a nest
Had been built ‘twixt her left and right breast,
Cried “Alas and alack!
There are birds on my rack!”
And with zest swept the pests from her chest.

Jon Gearhart:

I invited her back to my nest
For Monopoly, purely in jest.
But she jumped at the Chance,
Thrust her hand down my pants,
So I grabbed her Community Chest.

Kathy El-Assal:

An eagle took flight from his nest.
“Catch a fish” was his hunger’s request.
Averting bird famine,
He snatched up a salmon
And ere long that fish he fin-essed.

Randy Mazie @ thewritersvillage:

Our children have all flown the nest.
Now my wife and I walk ’round undressed,
Which may sound quite benign,
But it isn’t so fine
When a kid is an unannounced guest.

Konrad Schwoerke:

What’s that syndrome when kids leave the nest,
And your wife will not give you a rest?
I’m no specialist, though
From what little I know
Nymphomania seems to fit best.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Foul Limerick

September 5th, 2014

Foul Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man in a very foul mood
Had caught his new wife with some dude –
A handsome young guy.
Her response, when asked why:
“He looks better than you in the nude.”

I Knew It Couldn’t Last (Limerick)

September 3rd, 2014

This summer’s weather in New York City, especially August, has been astonishingly pleasant. And then September hit.

I Knew It Couldn’t Last (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I was right with my weather suspicions;
We’ve reverted to dreadful conditions.
High humidity, heat,
Heavy T-storms compete,
As we weather their juxtapositions.

What NOT To Say To A Limerick Contest Judge (Limerick)

August 31st, 2014

There are some things you should NEVER say to someone who’s judging a limerick (or other poetry) contest. So I was amused to read that Pat Myers (who presides over the weekly Washington Post Style Invitational contests) received this message from a limerick contest entrant:

First of all I truly despise poetry in any and all of it’s forms. Mainly because I am horrific at both interpreting and creating it. Now on to my entries:

In my opinion, if you’re going to say something that stupid, the least you can do is say it via limerick. Perhaps something like this:

You should know that I truly despise
Ev’ry verse form, no matter the guise.
I can NOT even glean
What my own poems mean.
Now hurry and send me a prize.

And speaking of limerick contests, last week’s Limerick-Off is running for a second week, due to the holiday weekend. So please keep your limericks coming and post them here:

Does The “Knee Defender” Have Legs? (Limerick)

August 26th, 2014

After reading about the “Knee Defender” scuffle on board a United Airlines flight, I just had to write a limerick:

The fight started on a United Airlines flight because one passenger was using the Knee Defender, a $21.95 gadget that attaches to a passenger’s tray table and prevents the person in front of them from reclining.

… A flight attendant asked him to remove the device and he refused. The woman then stood up, turned around and threw a cup of water at him, the official says. That’s when United decided to land in Chicago. The two passengers were not allowed to continue to Denver.

Does The “Knee Defender” Have Legs? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though I’m short, there’s no room for my knees
When I fly, without paying high fees.
But I’d never react
With a tool to contract
Someone’s space, just to feel more at ease.

So the use of a plane “Knee Defender”
Is offensive to me — a contender
For a selfishness prize.
So women and guys,
If you try it, I’ll bitch. You’ll surrender.

Putting A Challenge On Ice (Limerick)

August 25th, 2014

My friend Tom Hale presented me with the one sort of Ice Bucket Challenge I can actually handle: an “Ice Bucket Limerick Challenge.” So here goes:

Putting A Challenge On Ice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

An ice bucket poured on my head?
While I won’t say I’d rather be dead,
It’s cold-sweat-full as hell,
And I’d probably yell
Words too dreadful to post on this thread.

Limerick Nest (Limerick-Off Monday)

August 23rd, 2014

NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

Please note that due to the Labor Day holiday, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on SEPTEMBER 7, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to Labor Day or any other September holiday, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.

And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman discovered a nest…*

or

Our children are back in the nest…*

or

All our kids have at last flown the nest…*

or

A fellow had feathered his nest…*

or

It’s best not to foul your own nest…*

or

There’s a syndrome that’s called “empty nest…”*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Nest
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A zoo-keeper feathered his nest.
At theft he was one of the best.
He was cagey and knew
Not to crow to his crew.
Getting caught’s for the birds, he’d assessed.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!