Distaff Limerick

March 29th, 2015

Distaff Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If “distaff’s” a word you forget,
You needn’t search books or the net.
It’s a not-so-nice mention
Of gals. Comprehension
Is easy. Think “dissed half.” All set?

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DECK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

March 28th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using DECK at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

While checking his freshly built deck,
A man felt some bites on his neck.
He inspected, then cursed:
“Damn mosquitos! The worst!
I will deck you. Bugs ain’t on the spec.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (207)

March 28th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Will T. Laughlin:

The sailors, all drunk on Jim Beam,
Lie strewn below-deck. It would seem
That a nuclear sub
Is no place for a pub,
Unless Sub Bourbon Sprawl is your scheme.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

When I compliment folks, it does seem
They’ll be more self-assured and they’ll beam.
It will boost the morale
Of a guy or a gal,
So give praise and just let off esteem.

Sue Dulley:

Twelve builders, a highly-skilled team
Enjoying their lunch on a beam
Up somewhere near heaven–
Wait, now there’s eleven,
Which may just explain that loud scream.

Brian Allgar:

The Sun was eclipsed – not a beam! -
And the Moon, for a while, reigned supreme.
But her plan to usurp
Was as brief as a burp,
Just a transient lunatic scheme.

Dave Johnson:

Way up goes another steel beam;
To be placed like a stitch in a seam.
We’re here in Dubai
Where they reach for the sky
With the cash from unleaded Supreme.

Will T. Laughlin:

On the seventh day (trashed on Jim Beam),
God grew bored — and came up with a scheme:
He laughed as He stuck
Some spare parts from a duck
On a beaver. Voilà! Monotreme.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

How I Met My Husband

March 28th, 2015

My come-hither look
was all that it took.
Mark​ at first tried to book,
but returned … on the hook.

As Mark likes to say, true story:

Mark spots me, already seated, while he’s walking through a half-empty Long Island Rail Road car. I smile at him. He smiles at me. And then, instead of sitting across from me, Mark keeps walking and goes into another half-empty train car.

A couple of minutes later he rethinks this, turns around, comes back, and sits across from me.

Seven weeks later Mark proposes, and I say yes, wondering what took him so long.

(All this happened way back in 1977.)

Oy Vey Iz Mir! (Limerick)

March 25th, 2015

Oy Vey Iz Mir!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The gist of the Yiddish “oy vey”
Is nothing like “hip hip hooray.”
At times it is mere
Annoyance that’s here,
And at other times utter dismay.

Beauty Ain’t My Thing (Limerick)

March 24th, 2015

Beauty Ain’t My Thing
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’ve been told to write verse filled with beauty
Stuff that some folks call snooty or fruity.
But my talent is rhyme,
And to ask for “sublime”
Is for me a ridiculous duty.

A Limerick Rush

March 24th, 2015

A Limerick Rush
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I really should try not to rush;
When I hurry, my mind turns to mush,
And I’m likely to write
Something foolish or trite–
Verbal blight which just might make me blush.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BEAM at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

March 21st, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using BEAM at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

The gymnast got high scores on beam,
But was hurled off the vault with a scream.
Seems some slippery foe
Had greased it — a blow
That pummeled the ranks of her team.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (206)

March 21st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I’ve been lost in the desert all day,
And my clothes are beginning to fray.
Now the vulture team dips,
And they’re smacking their lips
As the biggest one quips “Let us prey.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

Those folks cause my temper to fray,
Who claim it’s a choice to be gay.
But I’ll lower my voice:
Being dumb is no choice,
And you can’t pray the Stupid away.

Kevin Ahern:

A sex-changing Swede in the fray
Said the surgery all went OK.
This ex-woman wrote
In a notable quote
“I sure wasn’t Bjorn yesterday.”

Brian Allgar:

The skydiver found with dismay
That his chute was beginning to fray.
It was no use at all
When he entered free fall,
And he ended his dive as purée.

Fred Bortz:

I’ve been watching my good nature fray
As climate deniers delay.
That Tea Party faction
Blocks government action.
All we need, they profess, is to pray.

Dave Johnson:

He insisted on having his way,
And her nerves were beginning to fray.
So she said “OK, fine
Then you pick the wine;
But please, no more boxed Chardonnay!”

Byron Ives:

We met at a Waikiki fray.
I fetched us Mai Tais right away.
She said with a wink,
“Gee, thanks for the drink.
I suppose you’re expecting a lei?”

And congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Does the thought of a nuclear fray
On your mind ever heavily weigh?
To allay your concern
It might help if you learn
From a story I’d like to convey.

We were close, in a land far away
To a plan that Iran would obey.
But before they could sign
The proverbial line
Junior Cotton stepped into the fray.

Cotton’s hope was to cause a delay
Or to side-track, unsettle, and fray
Global nuclear talks
While congressional hawks
Rattle sabers and bluster and bray.

Junior Cotton contends by the way
That the presidency is passé,
That a deal with ‘The Chief’
Would be worthless and brief
And in statecraft the Senate holds sway.

But his stupid seditious display
Caused the Tea Party caucus to fray.
And while they’re walking back
His subversive attack
Saner statesmen will Kerry the day.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Yet Another Anti-Winter Poem

March 20th, 2015

Yet Another Anti-Winter Poem
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Oh damn you winter! Go away!
Why can’t you take a hint today?
Intruding on our spring delights
With snow is NOT within your rights.

The calendar has made it clear
It’s spring. So why are YOU still here?
I’ve foolishly already stored
Our boots and shovels, long abhorred.

I’m forced to fetch them one more time
For duties not at all sublime.
Your crime of trespass? No mere gaffe!
I just might sue on spring’s behalf.

Kick Butts Day Limerick

March 18th, 2015

Today, March 18, is Kick Butts Day.

Kick Butts Day Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Today is the day to kick butts.
No ifs, ands, or buts — smoking’s nuts!
For the cig rut’s a yoke
That can kill you — no joke!
So though quitting’s a drag, show some guts.

Windy St. Patrick’s Day Limerick

March 17th, 2015

Windy St. Patrick’s Day Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Thinking Jack Frost had split, we high-fived.
But our basking in warmth was short-lived.
Winter managed to con us–
Cold wind is upon us–
A low blow as St. Pat’s Day arrived.

(More wind poetry here.)

Knackered Limerick

March 15th, 2015

Knackered
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A laggard was wearing a placard,
But not moving — the fellow was knackered.
His excuse was he ate
Lots of sweets on a date.
It appears he was overly snackered.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FRAY or DEFRAY at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

March 14th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either “FRAY” or “DEFRAY” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

My mood is horrific today.
My temper’s beginning to fray.
I’ve been summoned to court,
And money is short,
So somebody’s going to pay.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (205)

March 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny acrostic limerick:

Plutocracy claims wealth’s a prize,
Rewarding hard work. It’s all lies:
In fact, many show
Zero skill making dough,
Except when a relative dies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James, whose limerick is directed to a Benjamin Franklin quote:

Mr. Franklin, you need to apprise
Ev’ry man: if he’s early to rise
After early to bed,
He’s got rocks in his head
’Cause his lady will date other guys.

Dave Johnson:

She thought she might win the big prize
On that show with those glamorous guys.
But a singer she ain’t;
Her voice blistered paint.
Now she’s back once again serving fries.

Allen Wilcox:

All members of Congress must rise
To show that they know that it’s wise
To continue all fights
For strong civil rights,
By keeping their ayes on the prize.

Brian Allgar:

Dr. Spooner said: “I must apprise
My detractors – your jokes are unwise.
I tell you,” he grumbled,
“My stung never tumbled;
It’s all been a great lack of pies.”

Fred Bortz:

He cannot believe what he spies.
What a rack, what great ankles and thighs!
But the view from behind
Is what’s blowing his mind.
Callipygian gals win the prize!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Glimmer Of A Limerick

March 10th, 2015

A Glimmer Of A Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’ve a limerick notion — a glimmer.
It’s shimmering. Damn! Now it’s dimmer.
My brain’s covered with frost,
And my rhyme primer’s lost.
My slim odds of success have grown grimmer.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PRIZE or APPRISE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

March 7th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either “PRIZE” or “APPRISE” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my two-verse limerick:

An email arrived to apprise
A woman that one of her pies
Won a prize — came in third,
But she later got word
That her pie caused the judges’ demise:

“You’ve poisoned our judges, good lord,
With that pastry of yours they adored.”
“Yes, the cops came,” she said.
“I was sleeping in bed.
Tell me, when do I get my award?”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (204)

March 7th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I’ve a fetish for moisture: a moat,
Or some pond, or a pool gets my vote.
Any sex is way better
When things are way wetter;
It’s water that’s floating my boat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

It’s with sorrow I send you this note.
The repairmen has said and I quote,
“The TV’s in danger;
With no channel changer
Its recovery chance is remote.”

Fred Bortz:

Santorum is known to emote,
“First man-on-man, then man-on-goat!”
Said a goatherd named Thomas,
“If that is a promise,
Then Rick will be getting my vote!”

Brian Allgar:

The actress could never emote;
On the screen, she recited by rote.
But the girl was no slouch
On the old casting-couch,
So they chose her by popular vote.

Colleen Murphy:

My five-year old left us a note:
“I’m heading to places remote
Cause father and mother
You gave me a brother
And no one considered my vote.”

Allen Wilcox:

With chances of winning remote,
The head of the party took note,
“Put away all your tissues;
Can’t win on the issues,
So let’s try suppressing the vote.”

Scott Crowder:

I asked her last night and I quote,
“Where the hell is that fucking remote?”
It soon came to pass,
It’s so far up my ass,
I change channels by clearing my throat.

Will T. Laughlin:

We got in our vessel to float
Far away to an island remote
Where there’s no damned TV.
Hold it — who’s this I see?
Is that Gilligan? BACK TO THE BOAT!

Steve Whitred:

She said “Dear, we’ve become so remote,
And I fear on the nanny you dote.”
He said “Darling, I swear
I’ve not touched the Au Pair,
But I have been beguiled by the goat.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Shedding Light On Insomnia (Limerick)

March 5th, 2015

Shedding Light On Insomnia (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The cause of insomnia nightly
Is my habit of growing more sprightly
As the day fades to night.
Though I find no delight
In the light, I in darkness burn brightly.

How NOT To Butter Up Your Waiter (Limerick)

February 25th, 2015

How NOT To Butter Up Your Waiter (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When given some butter — a dollop,
She said “More, and don’t loll! Hurry! Lollop!”
On the waiter’s return
With a butter-filled urn,
She threw the urn, earning a wallop.