Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SLIDE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

April 25th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using SLIDE at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

The trombonist begged,”Please let this slide.”
But the band leader’s answer was snide:
“You’re banned from my band
Cuz I simply can’t stand
Any man who makes time with my bride.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (210)

April 25th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GARY HENDERSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Since her kitty was always quite wet,
She consulted the neighborhood vet.
He prodded and poked.
“I’d do more,” he half joked,
“But really, we’ve only just met!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Fred Bortz, Charley Simmons, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

He was famed for superb “Crepes Suzette”;
All the food critics loved him, and yet
In his “Beef Cannelloni”
Were kitten and pony -
The chef bought supplies from a vet.

Sue Dulley:

A man tours the world on a jet
While thousands of dollars in debt.
“Thank goodness” he smiles
“For aeroplan miles,
Or I might have to sell the Corvette.”

Kirk Miller:

In southeastern Asia I met
A veterinarian, Brett.
He has moved to the States.
His competitor hates
That he says he’s a Vietnam vet.

Fred Bortz:

A vigorous volatile vet
Had a vibrating viperous pet.
Voracious for voles,
It victimized moles.
His rattler’s named “Rodents’ Regret.”

Charley Simmons:

A gal took her hound to the vet
With a story he hadn’t heard yet:
“I bent over this morning.
He jumped me — no warning.
Trim his nails. He’s my favorite pet.”

Will T. Laughlin:

When the kids go to bed, don’t forget:
We must always take care not to let
Grandpa put ’em to sleep.
Though his kindness runs deep,
He’s forgetful … and once was a vet.

Allen Wilcox:

Those running so far are all wet.
We know little about them, and yet,
They’re all dogs, one can see–
Almost all GOP.
It’s clear that they all need a vet.

Dave Johnson:

The sax player wanted to vet
A new drummer to join his quintet.
Her style was just right
And he hoped that he might
One day soon get to play with her set.

Tim James:

She’s a sight that I’ll never forget:
Lean and muscular, curvy and wet.
I caress her, and she
Opens up, welcomes me.
I so loves me that cherry-red ’Vette.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Hug A Plumber Day? Why?!? (April 25)

April 25th, 2015

Hug A Plumber Day? Why?!? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Whenever I deal with a plumber,
It’s rather a strain and a bummer.
As problems keep flowing,
My agita’s growing.
Seems fall leakage will seep into summer.

Nothing Cryptic Here (Limerick)

April 22nd, 2015

Nothing Cryptic Here (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear poet, your verse is opaque.
To decipher it makes my head ache.
Being cryptic’s okay,
If it ain’t just a way
To feign wisdom while being a fake.

Double Dactyl For John Mortimer

April 21st, 2015

Here’s my double dactyl to celebrate John Mortimer’s birthday today. (Though he died back in 2009, I still have vivid memories of meeting and interviewing him for a profile I wrote for British Heritage Magazine way back in 1996. You can read my John Mortimer profile here.)

But back to my double dactyl:

Higgledy Piggledy
John Clifford Mortimer
Barrister, Author,
Rumpolian wit.

Bailey, his bailiwick
Prima-facetiously
He and his Horace sure
Loved to acquit.

Eight Lines On Demand (Updated)

April 21st, 2015

A verse of eight lines
has been ordered today.
So a lim’rick won’t fit.
Must I really obey?

I’ve already done five.
Counting this one, it’s six.
Since I’ve traveled this far,
guess I’ll finish, for kicks.

(DVerse Poets asks for 8-line poems today.)

UPDATE: I just realized that today’s double dactyl for John Mortimer (of Rumpole fame) also fits the bill:

Higgledy Piggledy
John Clifford Mortimer
Barrister, Author,
Rumpolian wit.

Bailey, his bailiwick
Prima-facetiously
He and his Horace sure
Loved to acquit.

Dear Long Island Rail Road (Limerick)

April 20th, 2015

Happy “meeting anniversary” to my wonderful husband Mark. (April 20, 1977, aboard the LIRR)

Dear Long Island Rail Road, my debt
To your system, I’ll never forget.
Back in Seventy-Seven
Your train car was heaven:
‘Twas the place where my spouse and I met.

(More epistolary poems here.)

UPDATE: Someone on Facebook asked for more details about our meeting on the train. Here’s what I wrote:

Re your questions, for some odd reason (possibly love at first sight, which I don’t even believe in) I did something very uncharacteristic of me when I saw Mark come bopping up the train’s aisle: I smiled and gave him “the eye.” He just looked so handsome and cute, and I liked his eyes and willed him to sit across from me. (It was the end of a long, tiring day — a full day of law school, followed by a trip into Manhattan for a symphony orchestra rehearsal. And I was feeling both exhausted and hyper.)

Anyway, Mark smiled back and then, much to my chagrin, he kept on bopping past me and past lots of empty seats and went into the next train car.

I figured I’d never see him again and then, suddenly, Mark returned to my car, walked past the empty seats again, and sat across from me. His first words to me were: “Boy, you look tired!” Which provoked a monologue by me about everything I’d done that day, followed by a monologue by him detailing his rather full day.

Seven weeks later, we were engaged.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: VET at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

April 18th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using “VET” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

On a trip with his dog to the vet,
A fellow attempted to pet
A fish-lover’s guppy.
“That isn’t a puppy,”
Yelled the vet, who was doggone upset.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (209)

April 18th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHANNON TUCKER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Shannon Tucker:

I begged of her, “Please let me stick
“My tongue deep inside it real quick.”
She replied with a wink,
“Of course!” and turned pink
Cotton candy t’ward me for a lick.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Stephen B. Fleming, Konrad Schwoerke, and Nate Levin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

If Jack wasn’t nimble or quick
When vaulting that flame-yielding stick,
He’d have damaged his pride,
Disappointed his bride,
And there’d be no Jack Junior or Nick.

Dave Johnson:

She met a new fella named Nick
Who wanted to show her a trick.
With a pill called Cialis,
His two-minute phallus
Turned into a four-hour stick.

Tim James:

A proton attempted a trick:
He pulled others close-in to him, thick.
That’s a problem, because
It breaks physical laws.
Not to worry: the charges won’t stick.

Brian Allgar:

I was proud of my magical trick,
And her clothes disappeared double-quick.
Then I pulled out my wand,
But she laughed, that young blonde,
At my minuscule conjurer’s stick.

Will T. Laughlin:

After shooting the bear, hunter Vic
Stood poking the beast with a stick.
What would happen, we said,
If it wasn’t quite dead?
And Vic replied, “Don’t be ridic–”

Stephen B. Fleming:

A reply to a hot, friendly chick
Who asked for ride to a flick
Was much misconstrued
And considered quite lewd
When I asked, “ Can you handle a stick?”.

Konrad Schwoerke:

There once was a caveman named Glick
Who in rage gave a tree a swift kick.
To the ground fell a bough
That he grabbed yelling, “Yow!
Dudes, come quick—me invented the stick!”

Nate Levin:

All that mud thrown at Hill, will it stick?
Is she raving, quite power-mad, sick?
Well with iron for skin,
Raining barbs won’t dig in–
She’s hard-baked to repel every brick!

Will T. Laughlin:

Poor Jack is too nimble and quick
Finding places his candle to stick.
Now his candle is burning…
He’s finally learning
Where not to be dipping his wick.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Happy “Stress Awareness Day!” (April 16)

April 16th, 2015

I’m sensing the usual stress–
Nothing more, but alas, nothing less.
“Stress Awareness Day’s” here–
Not a day that I’d cheer.
Screw “awareness!” I’d rather repress.

Limerick Rut

April 15th, 2015

Limerick Rut
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was stuck in a rut.
It depressed him down deep in his gut.
So he vowed to reform
And conform to the norm–
He would curb all his groovin’ on smut.

Fair Game

April 6th, 2015

Fair Game
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I would never purport
to engage in a sport
unless mockery counts;
I do massive amounts.

I make comments in sport
that make some people snort.
I’m unsporting, some claim,
When at pols I take aim.

But those pols are fair game.
Their behavior’s to blame,
And they reap what they sow.
So it’s on with the show.

My political humor is on my other blog.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: STICK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5 (Deadline: April 18)

April 4th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using STICK at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner on April 19, right before I post the next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 18 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

The conductor was wielding his stick,
While screaming: “The strings are too quick,
And the woodwinds are slow.”
This made double reeds blow;
Yelled the oboe, “You don’t know a lick!”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (208)

April 4th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

They were sunbathing out on their deck,
Tanned all over, not wearing a speck.
Through binocular glasses
I ogled their asses,
And soon had a very stiff … neck.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, Stephen Fleming, Dave Johnson, Kaye Roberts, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

The woman had wanted to deck
The fellow who wrote her a check.
“For one, I’m a looker,
But clearly no hooker
And two, that’s the price for a peck!”

Scott Crowder:

My right cheek is burning like heck.
It’s red all the way to my neck.
I misspoke a word,
Or perhaps she misheard
When I asked her to sit on my deck.

Stephen Fleming:

A captain was striving to check
His foundering seafaring trek,
As his mutinous crew
Formed a startling queue
To punch him out square on the deck.

Dave Johnson:

While out on a wilderness trek,
They’ll sleep on a cold, craggy deck.
But at home she will say
“I’m hurting today;
Our mattress is lumpy as heck!”

Kaye Roberts:

A gambler once salted the deck
With aces, thus risking his neck.
But he won all the cash
Which he put in his stash
And gen’rously picked up the check.

Will T. Laughlin:

Poor Cap’n Jack’s barge is a wreck:
He tried to say, “All hands on DECK…”
But the order that Jack sent
Was spoiled by his accent.
They thought he was saying… (oh, blecch!)

Old Cap’n Jack’s eyes, they grew large
When he saw what went on in his barge.
I’m told upon landing
The misunderstanding
Resulted in seaman discharge.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Use Your Noodles, Guys! (Limerick)

April 2nd, 2015

Use Your Noodles, Guys! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow with oodles of cash
Met a slut at a dog-lovers bash.
She’d borrowed a poodle.
Her target? His boodle.
Their canoodling was pricey and rash.

Limerick Flaw

April 1st, 2015

My life has a terrible flaw;
I’m adrift and off course — in a yaw.
I’ve concluded that humor’s
No job for this boomer.
It’s time to return to the law.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

Distaff Limerick

March 29th, 2015

Distaff Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If “distaff’s” a word you forget,
You needn’t search books or the net.
It’s a not-so-nice mention
Of gals. Comprehension
Is easy. Think “dissed half.” All set?

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DECK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

March 28th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using DECK at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

While checking his freshly built deck,
A man felt some bites on his neck.
He inspected, then cursed:
“Damn mosquitos! The worst!
I will deck you. Bugs ain’t on the spec.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (207)

March 28th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Will T. Laughlin:

The sailors, all drunk on Jim Beam,
Lie strewn below-deck. It would seem
That a nuclear sub
Is no place for a pub,
Unless Sub Bourbon Sprawl is your scheme.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

When I compliment folks, it does seem
They’ll be more self-assured and they’ll beam.
It will boost the morale
Of a guy or a gal,
So give praise and just let off esteem.

Sue Dulley:

Twelve builders, a highly-skilled team
Enjoying their lunch on a beam
Up somewhere near heaven–
Wait, now there’s eleven,
Which may just explain that loud scream.

Brian Allgar:

The Sun was eclipsed – not a beam! -
And the Moon, for a while, reigned supreme.
But her plan to usurp
Was as brief as a burp,
Just a transient lunatic scheme.

Dave Johnson:

Way up goes another steel beam;
To be placed like a stitch in a seam.
We’re here in Dubai
Where they reach for the sky
With the cash from unleaded Supreme.

Will T. Laughlin:

On the seventh day (trashed on Jim Beam),
God grew bored — and came up with a scheme:
He laughed as He stuck
Some spare parts from a duck
On a beaver. Voilà! Monotreme.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

How I Met My Husband

March 28th, 2015

My come-hither look
was all that it took.
Mark​ at first tried to book,
but returned … on the hook.

As Mark likes to say, true story:

Mark spots me, already seated, while he’s walking through a half-empty Long Island Rail Road car. I smile at him. He smiles at me. And then, instead of sitting across from me, Mark keeps walking and goes into another half-empty train car.

A couple of minutes later he rethinks this, turns around, comes back, and sits across from me.

Seven weeks later Mark proposes, and I say yes, wondering what took him so long.

(All this happened way back in 1977.)