Archive for August, 2007

A Trio Of Limericks For Gay-Bashing Senator Larry Craig

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

I just couldn’t resist writing some limericks about the hypocritical, gay-bashing Senator Larry Craig:

A Trio Of Limericks For Idaho Senator Larry Craig
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Craig confessed to a crime in the loo
He proclaims that he never would do,
Cuz he’s straight as can be:
He was just there to pee,
And perversions he’d always eschew.

When Larry was under arrest,
He was stressed, which is why he confessed.
All his actions are pure
And he’s really demure
And not gay, except when he’s undressed.

Larry Craig says he has a wide stance
In the john when he zips down his pants:
He’s an innocent man.
His arrest in the can
Was an error, cuz Craig ain’t no nance.

Dirty White House Complains About Gonzales “Mud”

Monday, August 27th, 2007

Poor Alberto Gonzales!  During those countless (and fruitless) Congressional hearings, Gonzales had but one job — protect George Bush.  And so he lied, obfuscated, feigned amnesia, and did everything he could to muddy the truth.  Consequently, this George Bush line, made during the Gonzales resignation announcement, made me laugh out loud:

It’s sad that we live in a time when a talented and honorable person like Al Gonzales is impeded from doing good work because his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons. 

Of course, the obvious question is “What good name?” But putting that aside,  Bush fails to mention the provenance of all that mud. This haiku should explain it:

Dub’s dirty secrets
Created the “mud” Bush claims
Gonzales dragged through.

(You can find more of my Alberto Gonzales humor and poems here.)[tags]Alberto Gonzales, Resignation, Al Gonzales Good Name, Congressional Hearings, Gonzales Verse, Gonzales Poetry, Gonzales Haiku, Gonzales Lies, Gonzales Amnesia[/tags]

Why I No Longer Get Excited When Bush Cronies Quit

Thursday, August 23rd, 2007

Can we ever get rid of Bush’s spinmeister cronies?  Apparently not.  Sure, they eventually quit.  But they stubbornly refuse to stay quit. 

Remember when Karen Hughes resigned amidst all sorts of hoopla? Well, she stayed away for roughly a nanosecond and she’s currently with the State Department, “leading efforts to promote America’s values.”

And now the dishonorable Ari Fleischer has resurfaced and, once again, he’s flacking George Bush’s needless war, via the White House front group Freedom’s Watch.

I thought I’d celebrate Ari’s comeback with a limerick: 

Why I No Longer Get Excited When Bush Cronies Quit
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bush spinmeisters keep coming back:
First Karen returned. What a hack!
Now Ari is here,
Spreading war lies and fear.
Guess they don’t really leave; they just pack.

=========

And now some links, for your reading (and viewing) pleasure:
* The Buzzflash Media Putz of the Week
* Don Davis’s Bush Explains His ‘Domino’ Theory of Vietnam
* skippy has lots of fun at Mitt Romney’s expense
* Norm at OneGoodMove has the Daily Show’s Samantha Bee commenting on Bush’s vacation record
* Digby on Michael McConnell and retroactive immunity for private companies
* All Hat No Cattle presents Bush’s History
* Carnival of Satire
* Carnival of the Decline of Democracy [tags]Freedom’s Watch, White House Front Group Bush Spinmeisters, Ari Fleischer, Karen Hughes, Bush Spokesman Humor, Bush Flacks, Bush Cronies[/tags]

Vladimir Putin — Gym Rat? (Updated)

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

Have you seen this photo of Russian President Vladimir Putin? Boy, that Pootie-Poot is majorly buff! And something tells me that George Dubya Bush is seriously jealous. After all, he sure as hell isn’t built like this. 

That brings me to my latest poll:

{democracy:10}

Update: How come so many presidential physiques are in the news? Apparently French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s  naked “poignees d’amour (love handles)” were retouched by the French magazine Paris Match – tightened to make him look more svelte. [tags]Vladimir Putin, Pootie-Poot, Buff Russian President, Putin Humor, Putin Satire, Dubya Humor, Gym Rats, Bush Putin Poll[/tags]

Yet Another Snow Job?

Sunday, August 19th, 2007

I wasn’t surprised to hear that Tony Snow plans to leave his Bush spokesperson gig when his “money runs out,” and possibly as early as September.

In fact, the only thing that surprised me was that he came back to his White House job at all after his latest bout with cancer.  I can’t imagine anyone with a life-threatening illness wanting to spend what could possibly be his last years or even months being a Bush patsy on a government salary. And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Yet Another Snow Job?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bush spokesman, ex-Foxer named Snow
Is quite ill and is planning to go.
Must be stressful to lie
Ev’ry day for that guy.
Why not do it for big network dough? [tags]Tony Snow, White House Spokesman, Bush Spokesman, Snow Resignation, Fox Cable News[/tags]

Why Is General Petraeus Letting The White House Write His Iraq Progress Report? (Poll)

Friday, August 17th, 2007

Do you think the long-awaited General David H. Petraeus’s Iraq surge report will “see” as much “tangible progress” as Petraeus claimed to see in the election-influencing op ed he wrote for the Washington Post back on September 26, 2004?

Will it be a “clear-eyed report from a top general” accurately assessing military progress?  A report that even approaches the honest document Bush promised in order to buy himself a lot more time? 

Hahahahaha!

Anyone who nurtured even the slightest fantasy that the Petraeus assessment would be the real deal, now must surely know otherwise:

Despite Bush’s repeated statements that the report will reflect evaluations by Petraeus and Ryan Crocker, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, administration officials said it would actually be written by the White House, with inputs from officials throughout the government.

And though Petraeus and Crocker will present their recommendations on Capitol Hill, legislation passed by Congress leaves it to the president to decide how to interpret the report’s data.

So why is Petraeus sacrificing what little remains of his integrity by letting the White House author his report?  Yes, you guessed it — it’s time for another poll:

{democracy:9}

(You can catch up with my previous polls here. And check out Petraeus’ Report To Be Cribbed From … ‘Monarch Notes’.)[tags]General David Petraeus, Petraeus Iraq Surge Report, George Bush, Tangible Progress, Petraeus Poll[/tags]

Selling Tickets To Brooke Astor’s Funeral: Scam or Satire? (Updated)

Friday, August 17th, 2007

Every so often, I’ll get an out-of-the-blue email from some on-deadline journalist in search of a timely, amusing quote. And though I’m not exactly a one-liner kind of gal, I always give it a try.

And so late Thursday afternoon, while I was working on a still-to-come post and poll about General Petraeus’s upcoming surge report (and ignoring the rest of the news), I got an email from Robert Marchant, a reporter with The Journal News in Westchester County, New York. (In case you’ve never heard of it, it’s the Gannett daily that services the Clintons’ hometown — Chappaqua, New York.)

Marchant wrote:

I enjoy your blog. I’m a reporter with the Journal News in Westchester County, and I’m writing an article about efforts to sell “tickets” to the Brooke Astor funeral on the Internet. Thought you might have an observation about this, humorous or otherwise. Please drop a line if you have a chance.

His was an interesting query — not to mention a nice publicity opportunity. All I had to do was write something really funny and really fast about a story I’d never heard of. I mean, I knew that the great philanthropist Brooke Astor had just died and would presumably have some sort of celebrity-filled funeral. But the funeral ticket sales item had eluded me. (That’s what I get for mocking the GOP 24/7.) 

Now I didn’t think Marchant would be too impressed if I wrote back, “Huh? What ticket sales?” So instead, I turned to my trusty Google. And as always, it came through for me, leading me to this New York Daily News story:

Somebody is trying to cash in on Brooke Astor’s funeral. 

With an A-list crowd of New York bluebloods, politicians and celebrities expected to attend the beloved socialite’s farewell tomorrow, an ad selling two tickets in the “16th pew from the front” for $500 appeared on the Craigslist Web site yesterday.

But Astor’s daughter-in-law, Charlene Marshall, said the tickets were fake.

She called it “absolutely ghastly” that somebody was trying to profit from Astor’s death and noted the service is open to the public.  …

Cool!  Now I had some vague idea what I was supposed to be making fun of.  I played around with limericks for a bit, but nothing took shape.  Then I tried my hand at haiku and wrote one that was okay, but not especially funny:

Craigslist ticket ad
For Brooke Astor’s funeral:
Masterful satire.

No, that just wouldn’t do.  I needed to write a Jon Stewart-worthy one-liner … or at least something that might make Marchant (and his editor) giggle just a bit. 

The minutes ticked away as I thought about those tickets.  And then it finally came to me:

Just $500 bucks for two Brooke Astor funeral ticks? Now that’s what I’d call A Modest Proposal. 

I sent it off, Marchant liked it, and now its fate is in his editor’s hands.  If it appears in his article, I’ll post an update.  But in the meantime, here’s a limerick I wrote after Marchant’s deadline had passed:

Ode To Brooke Astor
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

A generous lady named Astor,
Whose kindness will surely outlast her,
Is mourned far and wide
Since she recently died,
And nobody’s ever outclassed her.

UPDATE: Marchant’s article is up and it quotes both my one-liner and a couple of words from my haiku. Here’s the article: Ticket sales for Astor funeral branded a hoax. Also, if you’d like to read (or re-read) Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, here it is. [tags]Brooke Astor, Astor Funeral, Funeral Tickets, Robert Marchant, Gannett Daily, News Journal Westchester, Craigslist Ad, A Modest Proposal, Jonathan Swift[/tags]

Poll: What’s the real reason Karl Rove resigned?

Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

Okay, so Karl Rove has resigned to spend more time with his family. Yeah … right.  This calls for a poll, don’t you think?

{democracy:8}

(My Bush impeachment poll is still open for business, and you can find my Bush’s Brain limerick here..) [tags]Karl Rove’s Resignation, Bush’s Brain Resigns, Polls, Polling, Humor[/tags]

Bush’s Private Podium — The Real Dope

Thursday, August 9th, 2007

According to Americablog, CNN’s Ed Henry has reported that Bush now has a spanking new (and personal) press briefing room podium.

I guess the podium used by Tony Snow and Dana Perino must have cooties. Or perhaps they’re hiding some sort of electronic “dictate the answers to Bush” equipment inside his personal podium. On the other hand, this just might be Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location.

Bush on his podium
Fills me with odium.
Pass the Imodium. [tags]Bush Podium, Bush Press Conferences, Cheney Undisclosed Location, Tony Snow, Dana Perino[/tags]

Bush Growls; Dems Kowtow (Limerick and Poll)

Sunday, August 5th, 2007

I finally dare to fantasize that the Democrats may have gotten their act together, and they pull a cowardly stunt like this:

Just when the Dems at least are talking tough (even if they aren’t acting tough), they let Bush and Cheney intimidate them into giving them more spying powers. …

Can’t the Democrats just say “no,” as in “Sorry, you have proven that you can’t be trusted with increased spying powers, in fact you are still failing to fully inform Congress and the American people about the illegal spying you have conducted in the past and are still, apparently, conducting”?…

Unfortunately, my January 2006 limerick, George Bush Says His Spying Is Cool, remains valid.  But that certainly won’t prevent me from writing another one:

Bush Growls; Dems Kowtow
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Dems disappoint us again,
Backing Bush in his eavesdropping yen.
We need Dems to defend us
From Bush bills horrendous.
When will Dems turn from mice into men?

And now it’s time for a new poll, though my Bush impeachment poll remains open for business: 

{democracy:7}

(You can find lots of my privacy, technology, and computer humor columns, song parodies and verse here.) [tags]Democratic Cowards, Bush Eavesdropping, Eavesdropping Poll, Bush Spying, Gonzales Eavesdropping[/tags]

Quien Es Mas Nauseating?

Friday, August 3rd, 2007

Watching Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama duke it out for the title “Democrat Most Likely To Start Another War” might be funny, were it not quite so disturbing.  However, it does remind me of a certain old Saturday Night Live sketch:

{democracy:6}

(You can find my anti-war song parodies and verse here.)[tags]Hillary Clinton Humor, Barack Obama Humor, Macho Candidates, Presidential Campaign, Election 2008, War-Mongering, SNL, Saturday Night Live[/tags]

Recently On My Other Blog

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

If you haven’t been reading my other blog, here’s some of what you’ve been missing:

* The Five-Second What???
* Reviewing The Reviewers
* May I Please Have Your Paw In Marriage?
* Pity The Poor Lawyer
* A Modest Dating Proposal For Anxious Guys
* Money Limerick Writing Contest Results
* Cashing In With Doggie Da Vincis
* Fantasy “Dear Editor” Letter
* An Arresting Affair
* A Lamb On The Lam
* Yoga For What???
* Chance Meeting (Wedding Anniversary Limerick) 

=========

And now some links, for your reading (and listening) pleasure:
* Dick Cheney, President, sung by The Now Show’s Mitch Benn, courtesy of OneGoodMove
* Rudy Demands Equal Time For ‘Cleavage Coverage”
* This Is Not My Country
* Carnival of the Liberals
* Carnival of Principled Government
* Carnival of the Decline of Democracy
* Carnival of Political Punditry [tags]General Humor, Non-Political Humor, Linking Love[/tags]