Archive for March, 2009

Republican Road To Remedial Math

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the House Republicans’ number-free budget. And I’m looking forward to the expanded version they’ve promised for next week — the one that won’t have any letters in it either.

Republican Road To Remedial Math (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The purported Republican budget
Has no numbers, so how can we judge it?
There’s no dollars or sense
In this PR offense.
It appears they decided to fudge it.

Ode To AP’s Ron Fournier

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

After President Obama’s outstanding performance during his second primetime press conference, the AP’s Ron Fournier had some column inches to fill. So, what words of wisdom did he share in his “news analysis?” Obama really “likes to have [his words] up on the Teleprompter.”

How nice to know we can count on Fournier to perpetuate the “Obama can’t talk without his Teleprompter crutch” rubbish. Apparently, poor Ron can’t write without a nonsensical meme:

Ode To Ron Fournier (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Ron, you have nothing to say.
But, alas, you’re on deadline today.
Just continue a meme
Like that lame prompter theme.
Maybe someday you’ll merit your pay.

Email Swiped From Dick Cheney’s In-Box

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Some Republicans think Dick Cheney’s making things worse for their party. Don’t believe me? Here’s an email I managed to swipe from Cheney’s in-box:

Dear Dick Cheney, return to your cave.
The GOP’s health is quite grave,
And you’re making things worse.
Write a book or some verse
Till such time as you learn to behave.

Ode To The Laughter-Police

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

I could have sworn that Obama’s 60 Minutes interview was both serious and informative. But I guess that’s what happens when you watch something yourself, instead of relying on press accounts. Silly me! Somehow I missed the part where Obama laughed it up over our economic hardship.

On the other hand, perhaps it’s because it NEVER HAPPENED!

Yes, there was a bit of gallows humor in the course of Steve Kroft’s interview with the President. But the laughter-police media has completely mischaracterized the President’s demeanor.

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Ode To The Laughter-Police
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Watch the press-buzzards busily mocking:
“The President laughed — oh, how shocking!”
Distortion’s their game
As they try to place blame.
Wake me up when there’s something worth knocking.

Dear Maureen Dowd, I Don’t Like Your Tone

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

I’d hoped that Maureen Dowd was all done with her Michelle Obama biceps obsession. But apparently not. In her latest column, Dowd insinuates that Michelle’s “sinewy arms” belong in the Oval.

Dear Maureen Dowd, I Don’t Like Your Tone
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Maureen, please I’m begging, enough!
Yes, the First Lady’s biceps are buff.
But I really don’t need
To constantly read
About “sinewy arms.” Stop the fluff!

Fuming About Hume

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

What delicious irony — Brit Hume bitching about blogger partisanship. And then thanking rightwingers Brent Bozell and the Media Research Center “for the tremendous amount of material that the Media Research Center provided me for so many years when I was anchoring Special Report. I don’t know what we would have done without them.”

Fuming About Hume (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The blogs are a threat to the news
Cuz they’re slanted, says Hume, in their views.
A fellow from Fox
Casting “partisan” knocks?
To Hume I must say, “Brit, j’accuse.”

Ode To The Easily Offended

Friday, March 20th, 2009

President Obama was witty and entertaining on last night’s Leno appearance, and what’s the upshot? He’s forced to apologize for a self-deprecating, throwaway line comparing his bowling performance to the Special Olympics.

Obama sure is lucky he didn’t compare his basketball prowess to that of short people. Otherwise, I might have to sue him.

This calls for a limerick, don’t you think?

Ode To The Easily Offended
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are people quite readily stressed
And appalled by the innocent jest.
Our problems are great,
Yet they’re often irate
Over nonsense. Is umbrage their quest?

Tough Negotiators, Those Bushies!

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

I practiced law for over a dozen years and negotiated lots of contracts. And, unlike the Bush administration, I always kept my poker face. Why? Because if you want the best possible deal, you must make the other party think that he needs you more than you need him.

So, for example, when you tell banks that they’re too big to fail, you disincentivize them from cooperating, or even telling you the truth. That’s why I’m not surprised that 13 of the “top 23 private recipients of taxpayer-funded bailouts under the $700 billion program” enacted by the Bush administration “owed more than $220 million in unpaid federal taxes” and that they lied about it on their TARP contracts.

Why bother being honest? After all, it’s not as if Bush’s Treasury Department made them back up their statements with actual tax records. Of course not — they were too big to fail.

This brings me to my latest limerick:

Tough Negotiators, Those Bushies!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear bank, we can not let you fail.
You’re too big. Pay no mind if we wail
That you owe us back tax.
Do not worry. Relax!
Cuz that huge bailout check’s in the mail.

Dear Boss, Where’s My Bonus?

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

The AIG bonus fiasco has been very enlightening. Giving incompetent employees huge bonuses, so they won’t resign? And with taxpayer cash yet? What a concept!

I think all of us who still have jobs should send our bosses a letter like this:

Dear Boss, Where’s My Bonus? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear boss, where’s my bonus and raise?
I expect lots of cash — no delays.
Though my work surely sucks,
I deserve all those bucks.
Ain’t it great that incompetence pays?

Go Away Already, Bushie Spinmeisters!

Monday, March 16th, 2009

The Bush-Cheney spinmeisters refuse to go away. Last week it was Ari Fleischer, and this week it’s Dana Perino on CSPAN’s Washington Journal.

Perino actually said Bush should get some credit for last week’s stock market upswing. And she falsely claimed for the gazillionth time that Bush inherited a recession from Bill Clinton.

U.S. economy as of January 20, 2001. U.S. economy as of January 20, 2009. Exactly the same, right?

Sigh… It’s time for a limerick:

Go Away Already, Bushie Spinmeisters!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Blame Barack when the stock market drops.
When it rises say Bush deserves props.
That’s Perino’s approach.
(Bush deserves no reproach.)
Yes, at double talk Dana is tops.

Ode To Ari Fleischer

Friday, March 13th, 2009

The stream of deceit that came pouring out of Ari Fleischer’s belligerent mouth during his Chris Matthews’ interview must surely have set some sort of record. And his calling Matthews’ “shameful” gives new meaning to the word chutzpah. Then, of course, there’s the 9/11 lie:

Fleischer: “After September 11th having been hit once how could we take a chance that Saddam might strike again? And that’s the threat that has been removed and I think we are all safer with that threat removed.”

Matthews: “I’m proud that we no longer have an administration that uses that kind argument…and the American people are too.”

This brings me to my latest limerick:

Ode To Ari Fleischer
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Ari, your lies just keep flying.
But sorry, we still are not buying.
That nine-one-one hit
Was not Saddam, you twit!
And to say so is shameful. Stop lying!

Can’t Win An Argument On The Merits? Just Use The “Distraction” Gambit.

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Republicans love to attack Obama’s initiatives by claiming they’re distractions from his “fix the economy” job. Apparently, if the economy continues to tank, it’s because he wasted all that time signing an executive order opening up stem cell research.

Can’t Win An Argument On The Merits? Just Use The “Distraction” Gambit.
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Obama’s distracted. His plate
Is too full,” his detractors berate.
“His attention’s dispersed.
Put economy first.”
The problem is nothing can wait.

But Republicans don’t like his plans
And they often use indirect pans.
So research and health
Don’t relate to our wealth?
Boosting science and health — they ain’t fans.

Finally, An Up Side To Filing Tax Returns

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Finally, An Up Side To Filing Tax Returns (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When paying my taxes great pains
Always shoot through my muscles and veins.
But for once there’s relief
From an oft taxing beef:
Schedule D won’t show capital gains.

Steele-Buyers’ Remorse

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009

It seems Republican National Committee members are having second, third, and fourth thoughts about having named Michael Steele to be Chairman of the RNC. And it’s not just his humiliating apology to Rush Limbaugh, his mismanagement of the RNC, and a pair of ethics issues:

In just a month on the job, Steele has insisted that government jobs aren’t real jobs. He’s raised the specter of undermining moderate Republican incumbents. He’s given multiple interviews in which he’s shown humiliating confusion about the basics of public policy. His efforts to make the Republicans “off the hook” and “beyond cutting edge” are already the subject of widespread ridicule. The man, by all appearances, doesn’t have the foggiest idea what he’s doing.

So what’s my take on all this? I think Michael Steele is perfect for the job:

Steele-Buyers’ Remorse (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Are Republicans starting to feel
That they erred when the named Michael Steele
As the RNC head?
(Maybe Limbaugh instead?)
Funny … Dems think that Steele is ideal.

Ode To GOP Grovelers (Song Parody)

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

Who’s in charge of the GOP? Based on all the groveling and Limbaugh-tuckus-licking, it’s surely the guy with “talent on loan from God” … even though God foreclosed over a decade ago.

And that brings me to my latest song parody … with apologies to Walt Disney, the founder of my alma mater:

Ode To GOP Grovelers
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Who’s the leader of the clubby, selfish GOP?
Steele or Rush?
(Newt won’t hush.)
They’re all the same to me.

Mickey mouse,
Mickey mouse.
How ever do they hold their heads up high?
High, high, high.

Each presumptive leader shares a callous policy.
Naught to Steele’s
And Limbaugh’s GOP.

UPDATE: The DCCC has a good sense of humor. You’re sure to have fun with its Republican Apology Machine.