“Sarah Palin Developing Her Own Judge Judy-Style Reality Show”
Judge Palin? Please say it ain’t so.
Don’t panic. Supreme Court’s no go;
Not a judge in real life,
Simply legal case strife
On TV, a Judge-Judyish show.
Damn! I was so hoping she’d be The Donald’s running mate.
CNN 2/29/16 Headline: “Justice Clarence Thomas breaks 10-year streak, asks question in court.” (The issue before the court was whether a domestic assault conviction based on reckless conduct qualifies as a misdemeanor crime of domestic violence that would block firearm possession.)
Clarence Thomas can talk, after all;
Once famed for a decade-long haul
Of no-questions-in-court,
Now that Nino is mort,
He is having a gun-query ball.
I was amused to hear Mike Huckabee offer to go to jail in Kim Davis’ place.
In the midst of the Davis dissension
And her quest for gay marriage prevention,
Huck delivered this plea:
Don’t jail Davis. Jail ME!
It’s the only way Huck gets attention.
Limerick Ode To Kim Davis
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A thrice-divorced clerk known as Kim
Seems to wed and divorce on a whim.
But this bigoted broad
Claims on orders from “God”
That she can’t let a guy wed a “him.”
Though I already wrote an Antonin Scalia limerick today, I’m itching for more. So I composed these song parody lyrics to the tune of “Maria.”
Now Scalia/Maria does sound obvious. So I’m surely not the first to use “Maria” to parody Scalia. But I don’t want to do a Google search, lest I be inadvertently influenced by someone else’s lyrics.
And with that disclaimer out of the way, here’s my parody:
Scalia,
The jiggery-pok’ry Scalia,
Treats justice like a game,
The worst judge I can name, you see.Scalia,
The wingnutty jurist, Scalia,
Demands the final word
With phrases so absurd, to me.Scalia,
When he loses a case, he’s sulking,
And his presence is always so hulking.Scalia,
The nastiest Justice, Scalia.Scalia, Scalia, Scalia, etc.
Scalia,
Pitches disses, instead of reason,
Disagreements with him — treats like treason.Scalia,
That sore-losing, pompous Scalia.The most odious person on that Court:
Scalia!
If you follow the U.S. Supreme Court, you know that Justice Scalia ended the term by hurling some colorful, spoiled-bratty insults at his fellow judges. His behavior was so over-the-top, that Slate created The Antonin Scalia “Sick Burn” Generator, an insult creator packed with Scalia-isms.
This calls for a limerick, don’t you think?
Using lingo arcane and absurd,
Scalia must have the last word:
Gives “the bird” to his peers
With “pure apple sauce” jeers
He’s a “jiggery-pokery” turd.
Open Limerick To “Licensing Clerks” Offended By Gay Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane
You’re a county employee devout?
There’s a law your religion says, “Flout?”
Well, a licensing clerk
Just can’t shirk certain work.
License gay folks to wed … or get out!
Yesterday was a big day for Loretta Lynch. She was formally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General … and she joined Twitter.
So after two back-to-back Donald Trump limericks, I felt the need for some cleansing with this limerick:
To Loretta Lynch, welcome! It’s clear
From your singular, brilliant career
That you’re tough and yet fair;
About justice you care,
Never flinching from trials. Hear, hear!
I even posted it on Twitter yesterday, a couple of hours after she joined. Of course I had to alter it a bit, due to Twitter’s annoying 140 character limit. Here’s how it appeared on my Twitter feed:
2 @LorettaLynch wlcm! I cheer
Ur singular brilliant career.
Ur tough & yet fair.
Re justice u care,
Never flinching from trials. Hear, hear!
Supreme Surprise (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The SCOTUS has caused quite a din
Over gay marriage rights. Is it sin
Or just fine for the states
To say gays can be mates?
Its response is “We shouldn’t mix in.”
Happy 225th birthday to the U.S. Supreme Court! (On Sept. 24, 1789 President George Washington signed the
Judiciary Act of 1789, which created a Supreme Court with six justices.)
Happy Birthday To The Supremes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Seems today marks the birth of a court,
The court of supreme last resort.
Chief Justice John Jay
Ran it back in the day.
I just wish it would do what it ort.
Can you imagine Republicans ever questioning the legitimacy of a criminal case against a Democrat? Alas, that would take intellectual honesty. So don’t hold your breath.
On the other hand, many Democrats are openly questioning whether Rick Perry’s sleazy behavior rose to the level of a criminal act. As for me…
What’s a crime can be sometimes unclear.
Yes the law is confusing, I fear.
I’m a lawyer, but still
I’ve no skill, nor the will
To predict if this case will cohere.
As the fight over Oklahoma’s ban on same-sex marriage heads to the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver, Colorado, Oklahoma Rep. Mike Turner (R-Edmond) is worried that gay marriage might prevail. And being desperate to combat the scourge of same-sex marriage, Turner has drafted a shell bill to use in case the case doesn’t go his way:
Mike’s Oklahoma “Solution” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mike Turner’s prevailed in his hunt
For an anti-same-sex marriage stunt.
If you’re gay or you’re straight
You can’t wed in his state,
Says his bill; Equal rights — Mike’s out front.
Will Femia, over at MaddowBlog, has challenged us to a “good old-fashioned marriage equality limericking bee.” Here’s my contribution:
Limerick Ode To Same Sex Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Same sex couples are quick to endorse
The spread of gay marriage, of course.
But the happiest folks
Are THESE women and blokes:
Hungry lawyers who handle divorce.
Most experts seem to think the U.S. Supreme Court will strike down DOMA, thereby ending the federal ban on benefits to gay spouses. The question is: Will they do it based upon equal protection, or states’ rights? The former (seemingly supported by the four liberal Supremes) is vastly preferable, but the later appears more likely; the perennial swing judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, is more of a states’ rights kinda guy.
Limerick Ode To DOMA’s Demise
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m GLAD to hear DOMA’s in trouble.
But will Justices safe in their bubble
Concede that it’s wrong,
Beat the gong, say so long
To treating gay couples like rubble?
I’ve been meaning to write about Antonin Scalia’s obnoxious Voting Rights Act comments. Something tells me he’d be a bit more enthused about the law, if the people it protected tended to vote Republican.
Limerick Ode To Antonin Scalia
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Scalia gave quite the recital
With that “racial entitlement” title
He “bestowed” on the vote,
Fearing Dem voter bloat:
To Scalia, such voters ain’t vital.
You don’t have to be a “recovering lawyer” like me to know that such a lawsuit would be frivolous:
During a guest appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last month, Maher quipped that Trump must be “the spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan” (Exhibit A: his orange hair). In a riff off of Trump’s own offer to give $5 million to the charity of Barack Obama’s choice if the President released his college paperwork, Maher said he would do the same for Trump if the real estate mogul supplied proof that he is not descended from an ape.
Trump, who apparently was able to prove he wasn’t fathered by an orangutan, has announced on Fox & Friends that he’s suing for the $5 million.
Trumped Up Lawsuit (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man who I’d rather not mention
Is relentlessly seeking attention:
With his Birther schtick stale,
He is desp’rate to nail
Lots of cov’rage through lawsuit dissension.
I can’t help admiring the audacity and creativity of this fellow’s Citizens United-inspired legal argument:
A driver in San Rafael, California is attempting to appeal a traffic citation for driving alone in a High Occupancy Vehicle lane. Jonathan Frieman and his attorney, Ford Greene, argue that since Frieman had corporate incorporation papers in his car when he was stopped by an officer, he was actually carpooling at the time…
He’s sworn to chase the case all the way to the Supreme Court should the first trial not go his way in an attempt to “expose the impracticality of corporate personhood.”
A Driving Attack On Corporate Personhood (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m not driving alone, said the guy
In the HOV lane, and here’s why:
Corp’rate personhood rules,
And my corp files, you fools,
Are right here. My defense — you must buy!
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is under scrutiny these days for conflicts of interest related to the Koch Brothers, the Federalist Society, and the Citizens United case.
But today’s limerick and haiku will focus, instead, on the fact that Thomas hasn’t asked a single appellate hearing question in five years.
For the record, I did quite a bit of litigation work during my lawyering years. And believe me, his failure to speak throughout five years of hearings is peculiar and reflects very poorly on his judicial skills.
That brings me to my Clarence Thomas limerick:
Limerick Ode To Clarence Thomas
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m mindful that Thomas can talk,
But at queries for hearings he’ll balk.
He’s been silent for years–
Five in all. I’m all ears.
If he asks one sharp question, I’ll gawk.
And here’s my Clarence Thomas haiku:
The Sup Court’s Thomas–
Too ill-informed for queries?
Or just too lazy?
UPDATE: It’s been nearly two years since I wrote this limerick and haiku. So in fairness, I must announce that Justice Thomas has finally broken his silence.
Now mind you, he didn’t ask a sharp question … or, indeed, any question: He merely made a mildly amusing four-word (or so) remark about lawyers who went to Yale.
Still … it’s a start.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
