Trump BS of the Day:
“Trump calls for Christian unity at Liberty U.
‘Other religions, frankly, they’re banding together,’ he says. ‘We have to unify.’”
Trump panders at Liberty U,
Says what “under siege” Christians should do:
“Band together” like other
Religions. Oh brother!
Trump just loves spewing statements untrue.
Open Limerick To “Licensing Clerks” Offended By Gay Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane
You’re a county employee devout?
There’s a law your religion says, “Flout?”
Well, a licensing clerk
Just can’t shirk certain work.
License gay folks to wed … or get out!
For a lawyer, Rick Santorum seems clueless about the U.S. Constitution.
Rick Santorum proclaims, “Yes we can,”
Force his bible on schools — that’s his plan.
Rick forgets the Supremes
8 to 1 banned such schemes…
Else the gov could impose the Koran.
Pat Robertson can always be counted on to say weird things and give bad advice. Yesterday’s “700 Club” TV broadcast was no exception.
In response to a spurned wife’s question, Robertson essentially said that a man strays because he’s a man. And that instead of focusing on spousal cheating, a wife should make the house so enticing that her husband doesn’t want to stray.
Pat counsels spurned wives to appreciate the positive:
“Does he provide a home for you to live in,” Robertson said. ‘Does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide clothes for you to wear? Is he nice to the children… Is he handsome?”
Limerick Ode To Pat Robertson, Marriage Counselor
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear gals, if your husband has strayed,
There’s no need to feel mad and betrayed:
Be grateful instead
That he pays for your bed.
That’s Pat Robertson’s notion of aid.
Let me confess up front that tithing big bucks to your church or synagogue doesn’t impress me … and not just because I’m an agnostic. In my opinion, generosity to one’s religious peer group often tends to be self-aggrandizing: “Hey, look at me — I’m a big church-macher!”
Now give the same amount of money to a food or health charity or a symphony or art museum, for instance — one that you’re not directly affiliated with — that, to me, is generous.
And this isn’t my only problem with Ann Romney’s defense of hubby Mitt’s tax return secrecy. Here’s what she said to Robin Roberts in an ABC Good Morning America interview:
He’s a very generous person. We give 10 percent of our income to our church every year. Do you think that is the kind of person who is trying to hide things, or do things?…
We’ve given all you people need to know…
In other words, if “you people” could see Mitt’s secret tax returns, “you people” would know there’s no need for “you people” to see them.
Tithing-Schmithing (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Just what is Mitt trying to hide?
In secrecy, Romney takes pride.
How ironic and blithe:
We should trust him; his tithe
Means he’s good — so decreeth his bride.
*****
Four years ago, Mitt Romney gave John McCain a slew of tax returns, hoping to become McCain’s running mate. McCain didn’t pick him, but now says Romney’s tax returns weren’t a problem; Sarah Palin was simply a “better candidate.”
Obama’s thank you note’s in the mail.
Continuing in the spirit of turnabout (for LDS’s dead Jews conversion practice) is fair play:
Yet Another Modest Mormon Proposal
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I wonder what Mormons would do
If their dead were converted to Jew.
Would they think it okay
Since their dead could say, “Nay!”?
Or perhaps get a lawyer and sue.
(Related Post: A Modest Mormon Proposal (Limerick))
I don’t know who’s behind this site, but it’s hilarious: All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay. All you have to do is “enter the name of your favorite dead Mormon in the form below and click Convert! Presto, they’re gay for eternity.”
I’m please to report that “Holocaust victims are not eligible for conversion.”
Here’s a limerick in honor of this wonderful site:
A Modest Mormon Proposal
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Tell Mormons they ought not to prey
On the dead by converting them. Nay!
And just to be clear,
Simply click over here
And convert a dead Mormon to “gay.”
After yesterday’s post, I’d hoped to be done with birth control commentary for a while. But then I saw this headline: Santorum Sugar Daddy Foster Friess Gives ‘Gals’ Contraception Advice: Put An Aspirin Between Your Knees. And that story lives up to its headline:
Appearing on MSNBC with Andrea Mitchell today, Foster Friess, the main donor to the Super PAC backing Rick Santorum’s presidential bid, dismissed the controversy surrounding President Obama’s new birth control rule by suggesting that women should just keep their legs shut…
FRIESS: “On this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so inexpensive. You know, back in my days, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”
More Contraceptive Madness (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rick Santorum and Friess — quite the pair
In their “stop contraceptive care” guerre:
Don’t want kids with your squeeze?
Put a pill ‘tween your knees,
Like Bay’r asp’rin, sez Rick’s billionaire.
What century is this? The aggressive anti-contraception GOP stance makes me wonder whether I bought the wrong calendar.
Rick Santorum, a man who’s dangerously close to snatching the Republican presidential nomination away from Mitt Romney, apparently wants to preside over an antediluvian America: Here’s Santorum explaining why he wants to fight “the dangers of contraception:”
It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.
And Rick is far from the only bedroom-obsessed Republican. GOP over-reach regarding contraception is approaching epic proportions:
Last week, Freshman Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) filed legislation to allow any employer, religiously affiliated or not, to refuse to cover any essential or preventive health service, not just contraceptives, based on the “religious belief or moral conviction” of the employer. Word from DC is that Blunt and allies will attempt to add the provision as an amendment to other legislation now moving through the Senate….
The fact that American voters are overwhelmingly pro-birth control is apparently irrelevant to Republican politicians.
Perhaps a limerick might help Republican pols get the message:
Dear Bedroom-Invading Republicans (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Republican pols, please abstain
From ent’ring my bedroom domain.
And also stay out
Of my bathroom. Don’t pout!
If you’re truly “small gov,” you’ll refrain.
According to Newt Gingrich, his serial wife-cheating makes him “normal,” better able to relate to the problems of average people, and more electable. You’ve got to give that fellow Brownie-points for creativity. Who else could turn multiple affairs into a plus?
In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network this afternoon, Newt Gingrich picked up Rick Perry’s torch in the so-called “war on religion,” promising that he would fight back against judges who are “trying to drive God out of life.” The thrice-married Speaker then defended his personal marital history, claiming his multiple affairs “make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect” because he can understand “the human condition and challenges of life for normal people.”
Limerick Ode To “Normal” Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My affairs make me “normal,” says Newt.
As defenses go, Newt’s is a beaut:
Seems perfection is bad,
And unless you’re a cad,
Your empathy skills are minute.
Confessed serial adulterer Newt Gingrich has taken the Family Leader no-adultery pledge, which includes this statement: “I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.”
Apparently, the following limerick was stricken from an earlier draft:
Newt’s Pledge (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
No adult’ry for me, pledges Newt.
I’ve given my cheating the boot.
I’ve confessed and repented.
My soul’s reinvented.
And I can’t get it up, so it’s moot.
Can’t help wondering
why some who have “seen the light”
keep spreading darkness.
(Written in response to a haiku prompt for the word light.)
The current crop of Republicans is notoriously callous, and Michele Bachmann is no exception. Here’s what she said about Hurricane Irene and other natural disasters:
“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people, because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet, and we’ve got to rein in the spending.”
Of course, her campaign is now claiming “Bachmann Spoke ‘In Jest’ When She Said God Was Communicating Via Earthquakes And Hurricanes.”
Limerick Ode to Michele “Just Joking” Bachmann
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Irene was a message from God,
Said Michelle in a right-wingnut nod.
Then she claimed she was jesting,
Cuz bad press was cresting.
That loon as our Prez? Then we’re scrod.
By now you’ve surely heard that the Brooklyn-based Hasidic newspaper Der Tzitung “disappeared” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and another woman from the iconic White House Situation Room photo, taken while the Osama bin Laden attack was going down:
The original photo, taken as the raid was occurring, famously shows Clinton in the center of the room, with her hand over her mouth. But the newspaper Der Tzitung, described by the Jewish Week as “ultra-Orthodox,” has a policy of never printing photos of women in its pages because it thinks they could be sexually suggestive. Thus, Clinton and counterterrorism director Audrey Tomason, who was seen standing at the back of the room, were removed from the picture.
In a non-apology apology, Der Tzitung said in part:
In accord with our religious beliefs, we do not publish photos of women, which in no way relegates them to a lower status. Publishing a newspaper is a big responsibility, and our policies are guided by a Rabbinical Board. Because of laws of modesty, we are not allowed to publish pictures of women, and we regret if this gives an impression of disparaging to women, which is certainly never our intention. We apologize if this was seen as offensive.
Some people may find the following limerick to be offensive. And to them I say, too damn bad!
Hillary Clinton — Bombshell? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
What a shame that some men are so weak,
They can’t handle so much as a peek
Of a Hillary pic.
Seems they fear that their dick
Can’t withstand her alluring physique.
UPDATE: A very funny take on this same topic.
By now you’ve surely heard about Delaware Republican Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell’s astonishing screw-up in her debate against opponent Chris Coons. I’m speaking, of course, of her First Amendment gaffe. In her now infamous exchange (in a law school, yet) Tea-Partier O’Donnell “appeared to be aggressively ignorant of the fact that the First Amendment requires the separation of church and state.”
That brings me to my latest Limerick:
Yet Another Limerick Ode To Christine O’Donnell
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Debating our Fed Constitution
Can be tough when your grasp’s Lilliputian:
Hence O’Donnell’s conflation
Of church and our nation.
Her savvy could use evolution.
(Here’s my previous limerick about Christine O’Donnell.)
I’m never surprised when Republicans try to trash the U.S. Constitution. But Senator Harry Reid’s position about the proposed Cordoba House — the inaccurately nicknamed “Ground Zero Mosque” — disappointed me.
But then what do I know? I’m just a 1st amendment fan who lives in New York City. And I’d rather see a mosque than a burned out former Burlington Coat Factory store.
That brings me to my latest limerick:
Mosque Mockery
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A “Ground Zero Mosque” — oh how shocking!
Hurray for the folks who are blocking
That mosque to replace
The old coat-selling place.
If perchance you can’t tell — yes, I’m mocking.
I usually ignore Sarah Palin’s language-mangling. But her “refudiate” the “Ground Zero Mosque” Twitter “tweet” is too priceless not to comment on:
Refudiating Sarah (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Sarah, it’s time to rebootiate
And to malapropism “refudiate.”
Cuz your incorrect usage
Is language abusage.
Either learn to speak English, or mutiate.
Update: This is too funny: Sarah Palin excuses her malapropisms and accidental word coinages by comparing herself to William Shakespeare.
Have you heard about the Bible-based Christian S & M cult? Of course, CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline) doesn’t consider itself an S & M cult, but it sure as hell sounds like one:
Just when I think I have seen it all, I stumble upon something called Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) marriage, a rising trend in conservative Christian households. A CDD marriage, for the uninitiated, is “marriage is one in which one partner is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking.” And, of course, that one partner with authority is always the man…
That brings me to my latest limerick:
Religion Hits Bottoms
By Madeleine Begun Kane
CDD is an odd Christian fad
For punishing wives when they’re “bad.”
Is it weird? Just a smidgeon.
They call this religion:
Spousal ass spanking. Gals, you’ve been had.
Related Post:
I Won’t Graciously Submit To Mike Huckabee
Up until now, I’ve avoided writing about Tiger Woods’ serial philandering. But Brit Hume’s outrageous comments leave me no choice. According to Hume, if Tiger Woods wants forgiveness, he must convert from Buddhism to Christianity:
Tiger Woods should turn his back on Buddhism and become a Christian to be forgiven for cheating on his wife, Hume told Fox News’ Chris Wallace Sunday.
“The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith,” said Hume. “He is said to be a Buddhist. I don’t think that faith offers the kind of redemption and forgiveness offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger is, Tiger turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.”
You can watch the charming video over at Crooks and Liars.
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Telling Tiger To Convert Just Ain’t Kosher
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Tiger Woods’ rep has really been hurt.
Hume’s solution? The guy should convert:
Be a Buddhist no more —
Enter Christian faith’s door.
Get redemption for chasing each skirt.
Related Posts: Fuming About Hume; and Petraeus and Crocker Face Hume Humiliation
I may be a non-practicing Jew, but I’m deeply offended by Glenn Beck’s attempt to co-opt and politicize Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year.
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Glenn Beck, Keep Your Grubby Paws Off Yom Kippur
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mr. Beck, you are bad to the bone,
So it’s time that you start to atone.
And stop trying to steal
Jewish holy days. Heel!
Kindly leave all my people alone.
UPDATE: Don Davis says: Forget Yom Kippur, Glenn Beck Declares A National Circumcision Day.
Related Post: Bill O’Reilly’s Faux War On Christmas — Song Parody
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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