Archive for the ‘Constitution Humor’ Category

Limerick Ode To Antonin Scalia

Monday, April 21st, 2014

I can’t help wondering whether Supreme Court Justice Scalia says weird things like this just for attention:

Speaking at the University of Tennessee College of Law on Tuesday, the longest-serving justice currently on the bench was asked by a student about the constitutionality of the income tax, the Knoxville News Sentinel reports.

Scalia responded that the government has the right to implement the tax, “but if it reaches a certain point, perhaps you should revolt.”

Limerick Ode To Antonin Scalia
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Suggesting that students revolt
Over taxes ain’t very adult.
It seems doltish Scalia
Has mouth diarrhea.
I surmise that his brain’s short a bolt.

Weep For The Wealthy (Limerick)

Monday, April 7th, 2014

Weep For The Wealthy (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though the wealthy will publicly cheer
As campaign regs get knocked on their rear,
Some privately groan:
“No limits?” they moan.
“Buying pols is becoming too dear!”

Note from Mad Kane: Although I concocted that quote, it may be closer to the truth than you think. Here’s The Weekly Standard’s Bill Kristol, who argued on ABC’s This Week “that not every wealthy donor will embrace the outcome of the McCutcheon case, because they may now be obliged to give more:”

“All the donors I know hate this decision, of course,” he said. “This used to be a very good excuse to say to a candidate, ooh, I’m maxing out, I just can’t help your campaign.”

Free Speech Gets Pricey (Limerick)

Thursday, April 3rd, 2014

Free Speech Gets Pricey (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Remember “one person, one vote?”
Now “one dollar, one vote’s” what they wrote;
Yes, the U.S. Supremes
Favor money — in reams,
As the rich grab free speech by the throat.

Thanks to the New Yorker’s John Cassidy, for inspiring this limerick with his acerbic comment about McCutcheon v. FEC:

But Wednesday’s decision, once again a five-to-four ruling, represented another significant step away from the antiquated principle of “one person, one vote” toward the more modern, and utilitarian, notion of “one dollar, one vote.”

Supreme Priorities (Limerick)

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014

If you thought the Citizens United ruling undermined democracy, brace yourself: The Roberts court has made things even worse with yet another controversial 5-4 decision in McCutcheon v. FEC. Assaulting campaign finance reform once again, the Supreme Court struck down the aggregate limits on how much an individual can contribute to candidates, parties and political action committees.

As Ari Berman astutely observes:

The Court’s conservative majority believes that the First Amendment gives wealthy donors and powerful corporations the carte blanche right to buy an election but that the Fifteenth Amendment does not give Americans the right to vote free of racial discrimination.

Supreme Priorities
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Supremes freed the wealthy to buy
Politicians — an endless supply.
Seems “free speech” means “free spending,”
While “voting rights rending”
Isn’t something they care to decry.

Mike’s Oklahoma “Solution” (Limerick)

Saturday, January 25th, 2014

As the fight over Oklahoma’s ban on same-sex marriage heads to the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver, Colorado, Oklahoma Rep. Mike Turner (R-Edmond) is worried that gay marriage might prevail. And being desperate to combat the scourge of same-sex marriage, Turner has drafted a shell bill to use in case the case doesn’t go his way:

Mike’s Oklahoma “Solution” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Mike Turner’s prevailed in his hunt
For an anti-same-sex marriage stunt.
If you’re gay or you’re straight
You can’t wed in his state,
Says his bill; Equal rights — Mike’s out front.

A Modest Men’s Reproductive Health Reg Proposal (Limerick)

Friday, June 28th, 2013

Ohio State Sen. Nina Turner’s proposed bill regulating men’s reproductive health inspired this multi-verse limerick:

A Modest Men’s Reproductive Health Reg Proposal (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Republican men who insist
On controlling gals’ bodies, we’re pissed.
Since what’s good for the goose
(It’s plain to deduce)
Suits the gander, I’ve drawn up this list:

Viagra henceforth is restricted
To those who can prove they’re afflicted
Via sex partner swearing
You’re impotent, sharing
Your plight through oath uncontradicted.

You must also sex therapy seek
To help you reach sexual peak.
And we’ll force you to take
A stress test, you rake,
And prove that your heart isn’t weak.

In addition, your doc must advise you
About celibacy and apprise you
It’s a “viable choice.”
Yes your doc must give voice
To your options, cuz some may surprise you.

Only then, will the state let your doc
Prescribe any meds for your cock.
After counsel advising
Of side effects rising
From ED pills — nothing to mock.

From then on, you’ll be monitored too
To make sure that your heart ain’t askew.
You’ll be checked and re-tested.
The state is invested
In protecting you guys when you screw.

If you think that such regs are intrusive,
Insulting, and even abusive,
All these rules don’t compare
To what women must bear:
Female freedom is gravely elusive.

The Supreme Court Preclears Voter Suppression (Limerick)

Thursday, June 27th, 2013

The U.S. Supreme Court’s hypocritical demolishment of the Voting Rights Act, followed by a rush by certain states to impose discriminatory voting restrictions, inspired this three-verse limerick:

The Supreme Court Preclears Voter Suppression (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Sev’ral states who once had to preclear
Any voting law change, gave a cheer:
The Supremes set them free
To restrict votes with glee,
Which they’re doing with plans in high gear.

In its holding, both sneaky and bold,
The Sup Court said the formula’s old,
And so need not be heeded–
A new one is needed:
It freed states to fair-voting withhold.

Some are doing just that with great speed,
Which proves that old formula’s need–
That it wasn’t outdated:
Bad intent’s unabated,
And there’s nothing to stop its stampede.

Limerick Ode To James Inhofe

Monday, April 29th, 2013

Who’s paying Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe to invent and spread lies about Obama stockpiling bullets to deprive 2nd Amendment huggers of ammunition? The gun industry? The bullet industry? Both? Surely he’s not doing it solely because he’s an idiotic conspiracy theorist. Or is he?

Limerick Ode To James Inhofe
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Buy bullets before there’s none left—
All bought up by Barack — you bereft:
That’s conspiracy loon
Jim Inhofe’s new tune;
At making up lies, the guy’s deft.

Clueless In Colorado (Limerick)

Monday, April 1st, 2013

If you’re a Colorado spouse abuser, take heart: Republicans have vowed to protect your right to bear arms against Dem meanies, who mean to take it away.

Clueless In Colorado (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Good news for domestic abusers,
Bad news for their victim-accusers:
Colorado is where
The Republicans swear
To guard gun rights for battering bruisers.

Limerick Ode To DOMA’s Demise

Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

Most experts seem to think the U.S. Supreme Court will strike down DOMA, thereby ending the federal ban on benefits to gay spouses. The question is: Will they do it based upon equal protection, or states’ rights? The former (seemingly supported by the four liberal Supremes) is vastly preferable, but the later appears more likely; the perennial swing judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, is more of a states’ rights kinda guy.

Limerick Ode To DOMA’s Demise
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m GLAD to hear DOMA’s in trouble.
But will Justices safe in their bubble
Concede that it’s wrong,
Beat the gong, say so long
To treating gay couples like rubble?

Limerick Ode To Antonin Scalia

Monday, March 4th, 2013

I’ve been meaning to write about Antonin Scalia’s obnoxious Voting Rights Act comments. Something tells me he’d be a bit more enthused about the law, if the people it protected tended to vote Republican.

Limerick Ode To Antonin Scalia
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Scalia gave quite the recital
With that “racial entitlement” title
He “bestowed” on the vote,
Fearing Dem voter bloat:
To Scalia, such voters ain’t vital.

The Right To Bear Arms … And Eat Cheap Pizza (Limerick)

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

I won’t be visiting Jay Laze’s pizza place any time soon:

A Virginia Beach pizza shop owner is showing his support for firearm rights by giving gun owners a 15 percent discount.

The discount is given to anyone who brings a gun or concealed handgun permit to All Around Pizzas and Deli.

The Right To Bear Arms … And Eat Cheap Pizza (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This news from Virginia’s alarming,
Although some may consider it charming:
Bring your gun to Jay’s shop.
Watch your pizza price drop.
I do NOT find this fellow disarming.

The NRA Plays Games (Limerick)

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013

After yesterday’s Weapon Wonderland Song Parody, I thought I was done with gun posts for a while. But I guess not:

The NRA Plays Games (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Violent video games are to blame,”
Claims the NRA, much to its shame.
Then it issues its own,
Meant for kids barely grown.
Yes, hypocrisy’s NRA’s name.

UPDATE: There’s some speculation that the National Rifle Association may not be behind this app. However, thus far, the NRA hasn’t disowned it.

Weapon Wonderland Song Parody

Monday, January 14th, 2013

You can hear me attempt to sing my Weapon Wonderland song parody a cappella here. But since I have a lousy voice, it might be safest to just read my parody lyrics:

Weapon Wonderland Song Parody (to be sung to Winter Wonderland)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Gun sales surge. Are you listenin’?
Ammunition keeps glistenin’.
They’re arming tonight and causing a fright.
U.S. Constitution arms the land.

People die for no reason.
Children shot! ‘Tis the season.
A terrible blight, each night after night.
Gun rights absolutists harm our land.

NRA and cronies claim our homeland
Must allow their arms in every town,
Claiming guns will help us.
We say “No man!
“The murder stats have got to go way down.”

Weapon fans have conspired.
Now our nation is mired.
With lives we have paid.
New laws must be made.
Or soon we’ll have a gun in every hand.

(Linked at DVerse Poets)

A Driving Attack On Corporate Personhood (Limerick)

Tuesday, January 8th, 2013

I can’t help admiring the audacity and creativity of this fellow’s Citizens United-inspired legal argument:

A driver in San Rafael, California is attempting to appeal a traffic citation for driving alone in a High Occupancy Vehicle lane. Jonathan Frieman and his attorney, Ford Greene, argue that since Frieman had corporate incorporation papers in his car when he was stopped by an officer, he was actually carpooling at the time…

He’s sworn to chase the case all the way to the Supreme Court should the first trial not go his way in an attempt to “expose the impracticality of corporate personhood.”

A Driving Attack On Corporate Personhood (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m not driving alone, said the guy
In the HOV lane, and here’s why:
Corp’rate personhood rules,
And my corp files, you fools,
Are right here. My defense — you must buy!

Batty Birthers Are Gunning For … Justice Roberts??? (Limerick)

Monday, January 7th, 2013

The Birthers are making trouble once again:

The reliably unhinged crazies over at WorldNetDaily have a new axe to grind when it comes to their tiresome obsession with proving that President Obama is not legally entitled to serve in the office he’s held for four years and counting. Their latest gambit involves insisting that Chief Justice John Roberts is violating the Constitution by administering the oath of office to the president for the second time on January 21, and warning that he will be subject to “impeachment and eternal dishonor” if he does so.

Batty Birthers Are Gunning For … Justice Roberts??? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The birthers are at it again:
Stop Barack’s Oval swear-in, their yen.
Oath of office — abort,
They John Roberts exhort.
Seems impeachment’s their wet dream — both men.

Limerick Ode To Wayne LaPierre

Sunday, December 23rd, 2012

The NRA’s Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre has a grand solution to incidents like the Newtown massacre: Station armed guards at every school in the country. Sane people aren’t buying it.

Limerick Ode To Wayne LaPierre
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre
Is busy pretending to care
About kids who are dead
And the lives that were shred.
But his sole goal is one we can’t bear.

Massacre Message (Limerick)

Friday, December 14th, 2012

I’ve been meaning to write a serious limerick about gun violence for a long time. Today’s tragic Newtown Connecticut school shooting prompted this verse:

Massacre Message (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Mindless murder and mayhem in schools.
U.S. mall assaults — gun wielding ghouls.
We seek a solution,
But hear: “Constitution!”
We need leaders — not NRA tools!

Outgunned By Cowardice (Limerick)

Wednesday, July 25th, 2012

Roger Simon says it all about gun baloney, but I still have to write this limerick:

Outgunned By Cowardice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Both Obama and Mitt are distressed,
By the movie house murders depressed.
But those gun lobby fears
Beget action-free tears:
Tighten gun control? Surely you jest!

(Cross-posted on Limerick Debate.)

Open Limerick To Chief Justice John Roberts

Monday, July 2nd, 2012

Open Limerick To Chief Justice John Roberts
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Justice Roberts, your allies are mean,
And their attitude’s often obscene.
When they hate one decision,
Their answer’s derision:
Your meds fried your brain. No more sheen!

With people like that in your camp,
Perhaps it is time to revamp
Your views and opinions.
Dump low-lives as minions.
Convert! Be a working man’s champ.