I can’t help wondering whether Supreme Court Justice Scalia says weird things like this just for attention:
Speaking at the University of Tennessee College of Law on Tuesday, the longest-serving justice currently on the bench was asked by a student about the constitutionality of the income tax, the Knoxville News Sentinel reports.
Scalia responded that the government has the right to implement the tax, “but if it reaches a certain point, perhaps you should revolt.”
Limerick Ode To Antonin Scalia
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Suggesting that students revolt
Over taxes ain’t very adult.
It seems doltish Scalia
Has mouth diarrhea.
I surmise that his brain’s short a bolt.
Weep For The Wealthy (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though the wealthy will publicly cheer
As campaign regs get knocked on their rear,
Some privately groan:
“No limits?” they moan.
“Buying pols is becoming too dear!”
Note from Mad Kane: Although I concocted that quote, it may be closer to the truth than you think. Here’s The Weekly Standard’s Bill Kristol, who argued on ABC’s This Week “that not every wealthy donor will embrace the outcome of the McCutcheon case, because they may now be obliged to give more:”
“All the donors I know hate this decision, of course,” he said. “This used to be a very good excuse to say to a candidate, ooh, I’m maxing out, I just can’t help your campaign.”
Free Speech Gets Pricey (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Remember “one person, one vote?”
Now “one dollar, one vote’s” what they wrote;
Yes, the U.S. Supremes
Favor money — in reams,
As the rich grab free speech by the throat.
Thanks to the New Yorker’s John Cassidy, for inspiring this limerick with his acerbic comment about McCutcheon v. FEC:
But Wednesday’s decision, once again a five-to-four ruling, represented another significant step away from the antiquated principle of “one person, one vote” toward the more modern, and utilitarian, notion of “one dollar, one vote.”
If you thought the Citizens United ruling undermined democracy, brace yourself: The Roberts court has made things even worse with yet another controversial 5-4 decision in McCutcheon v. FEC. Assaulting campaign finance reform once again, the Supreme Court struck down the aggregate limits on how much an individual can contribute to candidates, parties and political action committees.
As Ari Berman astutely observes:
The Court’s conservative majority believes that the First Amendment gives wealthy donors and powerful corporations the carte blanche right to buy an election but that the Fifteenth Amendment does not give Americans the right to vote free of racial discrimination.
Supreme Priorities
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Supremes freed the wealthy to buy
Politicians — an endless supply.
Seems “free speech” means “free spending,”
While “voting rights rending”
Isn’t something they care to decry.
As the fight over Oklahoma’s ban on same-sex marriage heads to the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver, Colorado, Oklahoma Rep. Mike Turner (R-Edmond) is worried that gay marriage might prevail. And being desperate to combat the scourge of same-sex marriage, Turner has drafted a shell bill to use in case the case doesn’t go his way:
Mike’s Oklahoma “Solution” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mike Turner’s prevailed in his hunt
For an anti-same-sex marriage stunt.
If you’re gay or you’re straight
You can’t wed in his state,
Says his bill; Equal rights — Mike’s out front.
Ohio State Sen. Nina Turner’s proposed bill regulating men’s reproductive health inspired this multi-verse limerick:
A Modest Men’s Reproductive Health Reg Proposal (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Republican men who insist
On controlling gals’ bodies, we’re pissed.
Since what’s good for the goose
(It’s plain to deduce)
Suits the gander, I’ve drawn up this list:
Viagra henceforth is restricted
To those who can prove they’re afflicted
Via sex partner swearing
You’re impotent, sharing
Your plight through oath uncontradicted.
You must also sex therapy seek
To help you reach sexual peak.
And we’ll force you to take
A stress test, you rake,
And prove that your heart isn’t weak.
In addition, your doc must advise you
About celibacy and apprise you
It’s a “viable choice.”
Yes your doc must give voice
To your options, cuz some may surprise you.
Only then, will the state let your doc
Prescribe any meds for your cock.
After counsel advising
Of side effects rising
From ED pills — nothing to mock.
From then on, you’ll be monitored too
To make sure that your heart ain’t askew.
You’ll be checked and re-tested.
The state is invested
In protecting you guys when you screw.
If you think that such regs are intrusive,
Insulting, and even abusive,
All these rules don’t compare
To what women must bear:
Female freedom is gravely elusive.
The U.S. Supreme Court’s hypocritical demolishment of the Voting Rights Act, followed by a rush by certain states to impose discriminatory voting restrictions, inspired this three-verse limerick:
The Supreme Court Preclears Voter Suppression (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Sev’ral states who once had to preclear
Any voting law change, gave a cheer:
The Supremes set them free
To restrict votes with glee,
Which they’re doing with plans in high gear.
In its holding, both sneaky and bold,
The Sup Court said the formula’s old,
And so need not be heeded–
A new one is needed:
It freed states to fair-voting withhold.
Some are doing just that with great speed,
Which proves that old formula’s need–
That it wasn’t outdated:
Bad intent’s unabated,
And there’s nothing to stop its stampede.
If you’re a Colorado spouse abuser, take heart: Republicans have vowed to protect your right to bear arms against Dem meanies, who mean to take it away.
Clueless In Colorado (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Good news for domestic abusers,
Bad news for their victim-accusers:
Colorado is where
The Republicans swear
To guard gun rights for battering bruisers.
Most experts seem to think the U.S. Supreme Court will strike down DOMA, thereby ending the federal ban on benefits to gay spouses. The question is: Will they do it based upon equal protection, or states’ rights? The former (seemingly supported by the four liberal Supremes) is vastly preferable, but the later appears more likely; the perennial swing judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, is more of a states’ rights kinda guy.
Limerick Ode To DOMA’s Demise
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m GLAD to hear DOMA’s in trouble.
But will Justices safe in their bubble
Concede that it’s wrong,
Beat the gong, say so long
To treating gay couples like rubble?
I’ve been meaning to write about Antonin Scalia’s obnoxious Voting Rights Act comments. Something tells me he’d be a bit more enthused about the law, if the people it protected tended to vote Republican.
Limerick Ode To Antonin Scalia
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Scalia gave quite the recital
With that “racial entitlement” title
He “bestowed” on the vote,
Fearing Dem voter bloat:
To Scalia, such voters ain’t vital.
I won’t be visiting Jay Laze’s pizza place any time soon:
A Virginia Beach pizza shop owner is showing his support for firearm rights by giving gun owners a 15 percent discount.
The discount is given to anyone who brings a gun or concealed handgun permit to All Around Pizzas and Deli.
The Right To Bear Arms … And Eat Cheap Pizza (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
This news from Virginia’s alarming,
Although some may consider it charming:
Bring your gun to Jay’s shop.
Watch your pizza price drop.
I do NOT find this fellow disarming.
After yesterday’s Weapon Wonderland Song Parody, I thought I was done with gun posts for a while. But I guess not:
The NRA Plays Games (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Violent video games are to blame,”
Claims the NRA, much to its shame.
Then it issues its own,
Meant for kids barely grown.
Yes, hypocrisy’s NRA’s name.
UPDATE: There’s some speculation that the National Rifle Association may not be behind this app. However, thus far, the NRA hasn’t disowned it.
You can hear me attempt to sing my Weapon Wonderland song parody a cappella here. But since I have a lousy voice, it might be safest to just read my parody lyrics:
Weapon Wonderland Song Parody (to be sung to Winter Wonderland)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Gun sales surge. Are you listenin’?
Ammunition keeps glistenin’.
They’re arming tonight and causing a fright.
U.S. Constitution arms the land.
People die for no reason.
Children shot! ‘Tis the season.
A terrible blight, each night after night.
Gun rights absolutists harm our land.
NRA and cronies claim our homeland
Must allow their arms in every town,
Claiming guns will help us.
We say “No man!
“The murder stats have got to go way down.”
Weapon fans have conspired.
Now our nation is mired.
With lives we have paid.
New laws must be made.
Or soon we’ll have a gun in every hand.
(Linked at DVerse Poets)
I can’t help admiring the audacity and creativity of this fellow’s Citizens United-inspired legal argument:
A driver in San Rafael, California is attempting to appeal a traffic citation for driving alone in a High Occupancy Vehicle lane. Jonathan Frieman and his attorney, Ford Greene, argue that since Frieman had corporate incorporation papers in his car when he was stopped by an officer, he was actually carpooling at the time…
He’s sworn to chase the case all the way to the Supreme Court should the first trial not go his way in an attempt to “expose the impracticality of corporate personhood.”
A Driving Attack On Corporate Personhood (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m not driving alone, said the guy
In the HOV lane, and here’s why:
Corp’rate personhood rules,
And my corp files, you fools,
Are right here. My defense — you must buy!
The NRA’s Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre has a grand solution to incidents like the Newtown massacre: Station armed guards at every school in the country. Sane people aren’t buying it.
Limerick Ode To Wayne LaPierre
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre
Is busy pretending to care
About kids who are dead
And the lives that were shred.
But his sole goal is one we can’t bear.
I’ve been meaning to write a serious limerick about gun violence for a long time. Today’s tragic Newtown Connecticut school shooting prompted this verse:
Massacre Message (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mindless murder and mayhem in schools.
U.S. mall assaults — gun wielding ghouls.
We seek a solution,
But hear: “Constitution!”
We need leaders — not NRA tools!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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