Mad Kane’s Political Madness

Dear Editor: Enough With the Polls, Already!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My int’rest in polling is waning:
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s gaining.
Tell me where these guys stand—
Who’s a liar? What’s canned?
Give me substance — not horse race-campaigning.

Update: Don Davis has a fun take on the same topic. And the witty and oh so modest Jon Swift has posted the best blog posts of 2007 as chosen by the bloggers themselves.

Technorati Tags: Presidential Campaigns, Election Humor, Polls Humor, Horse Race Politics, Media Humor

Is  the American Mustache Institute (AMI) for real? When I first read about it, I figured it must surely be fictitious.  Either that  … or John Bolton’s new employer. But the AMI, a sort of mustache anti-defamation league, apparently does exist, with this as its stated goal:

To battle negative stereotyping that has accompanied the mustache since those glory years of the 1970s - the peak of mustache acceptance - fighting to create a climate of acceptance, understanding, flavor saving, and upper lip warmth for all mustached Americans alike.

I think the American Mustache Institute deserves a limerick don’t you?

Ode to Mustached Men, The Forgotten Minority
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Ending prejudice—that’s the group’s aim.
“Don’t be bigots!” its members exclaim.
What’s the bias they face?
Not their age, faith or race—
Anti-mustache behavior’s to blame.

And now it’s time for yet another poll:

Technorati Tags: Mustache, Moustache, Mustached, Moustachioed, Facial Hair Humor, Shaving, Discrimination, Bias, Prejudice, AMI, American Moustache Institute, John Bolton, Anti-defamation, U.S. Constitution

Have you seen this photo of Russian President Vladimir Putin? Boy, that Pootie-Poot is majorly buff! And something tells me that George Dubya Bush is seriously jealous. After all, he sure as hell isn’t built like this. 

That brings me to my latest poll:

Update: How come so many presidential physiques are in the news? Apparently French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s  naked “poignees d’amour (love handles)” were retouched by the French magazine Paris Match – tightened to make him look more svelte.

Technorati Tags: Vladimir Putin, Pootie-Poot, Buff Russian President, Putin Humor, Putin Satire, Dubya Humor, Gym Rats, Bush Putin Poll

Do you think the long-awaited General David H. Petraeus’s Iraq surge report will “see” as much “tangible progress” as Petraeus claimed to see in the election-influencing op ed he wrote for the Washington Post back on September 26, 2004?

Will it be a “clear-eyed report from a top general” accurately assessing military progress?  A report that even approaches the honest document Bush promised in order to buy himself a lot more time? 

Hahahahaha!

Anyone who nurtured even the slightest fantasy that the Petraeus assessment would be the real deal, now must surely know otherwise:

Despite Bush’s repeated statements that the report will reflect evaluations by Petraeus and Ryan Crocker, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, administration officials said it would actually be written by the White House, with inputs from officials throughout the government.

And though Petraeus and Crocker will present their recommendations on Capitol Hill, legislation passed by Congress leaves it to the president to decide how to interpret the report’s data.

So why is Petraeus sacrificing what little remains of his integrity by letting the White House author his report?  Yes, you guessed it — it’s time for another poll:

(You can catch up with my previous polls here. And check out Petraeus’ Report To Be Cribbed From … ‘Monarch Notes’.)

Technorati Tags: General David Petraeus, Petraeus Iraq Surge Report, George Bush, Tangible Progress, Petraeus Poll

Okay, so Karl Rove has resigned to spend more time with his family. Yeah … right.  This calls for a poll, don’t you think?

(My Bush impeachment poll is still open for business, and you can find my Bush’s Brain limerick here..)

Technorati Tags: Karl Rove’s Resignation, Bush’s Brain Resigns, Polls, Polling, Humor

I finally dare to fantasize that the Democrats may have gotten their act together, and they pull a cowardly stunt like this:

Just when the Dems at least are talking tough (even if they aren’t acting tough), they let Bush and Cheney intimidate them into giving them more spying powers. …

Can’t the Democrats just say “no,” as in “Sorry, you have proven that you can’t be trusted with increased spying powers, in fact you are still failing to fully inform Congress and the American people about the illegal spying you have conducted in the past and are still, apparently, conducting”?…

Unfortunately, my January 2006 limerick, George Bush Says His Spying Is Cool, remains valid.  But that certainly won’t prevent me from writing another one:

Bush Growls; Dems Kowtow
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Dems disappoint us again,
Backing Bush in his eavesdropping yen.
We need Dems to defend us
From Bush bills horrendous.
When will Dems turn from mice into men?

And now it’s time for a new poll, though my Bush impeachment poll remains open for business: 

(You can find lots of my privacy, technology, and computer humor columns, song parodies and verse here.)

Technorati Tags: Democratic Cowards, Bush Eavesdropping, Eavesdropping Poll, Bush Spying, Gonzales Eavesdropping

Watching Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama duke it out for the title “Democrat Most Likely To Start Another War” might be funny, were it not quite so disturbing.  However, it does remind me of a certain old Saturday Night Live sketch:

(You can find my anti-war song parodies and verse here.)

Technorati Tags: Hillary Clinton Humor, Barack Obama Humor, Macho Candidates,  Presidential Campaign, Election 2008, War-Mongering, SNL, Saturday Night Live

I was a bit grossed out to learn that “The Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Base has come up with a  dung-for-profit scheme that turns droppings from the endangered species into odour-free souvenirs ranging from bookmarks to Olympic-themed statues… .”   Such creative marketing cries out for a limerick, don’t you think?

Chinese Exports — The Real Poop
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Did that Chinese-made gift make you whoop?
I must warn you — they may have used poop.
I mean panda dung. Yuck!
Don’t want giftware that’s muck?
Well, at least they don’t use it for soup.

(You can find more of my animal related poems and humor here.)

And now it’s time for a crappy poll:

Technorati Tags: Chinese Exports, Export Humor, Panda Dung, Dung-for-Profit, Endangered Species, Panda Excrement, Gifts, Giftware Humor, China Gifts, Olympic-Themed Statues, Olympics Satire

I’ve been itching to impeach Bush for as long as I remember.  In fact, I’m starting to lose track  of all the song parodies, poems, and limericks I’ve written on the topic. 

I’ve also been itching to post polls here and I figured why not start with an impeachment poll. And now that I’ve found this very cool Democracy WordPress poll plugin, here’s my first ever poll. (You can also find this poll on my sidebar.)

UPDATE:  I’m running a far less controversial poll at my other non-political humor blog.

Technorati Tags: Impeach, Impeachment Poll, Impeach Bush, Impeach Cheney, Wordpress Poll, Impeachment Song Parody, Impeachment Verse, Impeachment Poems, Impeachment Limericks, Democracy WordPress Poll Plugin, Sidebar Poll