This news made me laugh: “Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s campaign tacked on a new fundraising effort Monday, charging supporters $50 a pop for anyone who wants a photo with the former House speaker.”
No Photo Finish For Newt … Just Photos
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The latest Newt news is a beaut:
You must pay for a photo with Newt —
Fifty dollars per pic.
Here’s a fund raising trick:
I’d pay more not to pose with that brute.
Limerick Ode To “Cheerful” Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I confess I became rather tearful
At Newt’s self-description as “cheerful.”
These were not tears of sadness,
But rather of gladness:
Cuz the “Newt Show” ain’t done. (I’d been fearful.)
I’ve finally figured out how Newt plans to populate the moon: He’ll catapult the poor onto the moon via trampolines.
Yes, I know that sounds crazy. But I can’t think of any other explanation for this nutty Newt quote:
I really believe that we should care about the very poor, unlike Governor Romney. But I believe we should care very differently from Barack Obama….What the poor need is a trampoline so they can spring up, so I am for replacing the safety net with a trampoline.
Limerick Ode To Newt Lunacy
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The safety net’s bad, prattles Newt,
Suggesting we give it the boot.
From his odd bag of tricks,
Newt throws this in the mix:
Trampolines — out-of-poverty route.
Will Trump endorse Newt? Will The Donald go with Mitt? Will Donald Trump fire himself from The Apprentice so he can run for president as a third-party candidate?
At long last, all that heady speculation has ended.
Trump Endorses Romney – Election Over (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Donald Trump had been sending up flares.
His endorsement speech finally airs:
Despite all that’s been writ,
He is going with Mitt.
I have only one question: Who cares?
Some Republicans are worried they’ll be saddled with a brokered convention. And Newt Gingrich’s statement is upping their anxiety:
With just one full day of campaigning left until the Florida primary and polls indicating that Mitt Romney has substantially widened his lead in the Sunshine State, Newt Gingrich told reporters Sunday he is prepared to fight out the Republican presidential nomination all the way to a brokered convention.
“We have no evidence yet that Romney anywhere is coming close to getting a majority and I think when you take all the non-Romney votes, it’s very likely that at the convention there will be a non-Romney majority and maybe a very substantial one. My job is to convert that into a Gingrich majority,” Gingrich said.
Brokered Convention Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The thought of a brokered convention
Is creating Republican tension:
Will Mitt’s delegate count
Sufficiently mount
If Newt nixes a prez run suspension?
With the powers-that-be on the right hitting Gingrich hard, he’s surely in the market for endorsements. But I suspect Newt could do without imprisoned, former Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham’s stamp of approval:
Cunningham tells Gingrich in an electronic message he says he sent to the candidate last month that his fellow prisoners, and their families, support Gingrich:
“Newt, a voice out of the past. Down but not out and still fighting. First I do not want anything from you but have been watching the debates. I have 80% of inmates that would vote for you. They might not be able to but their extended families will.”
Newt’s Endorsement Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich, endorsed by a Duke:
From Duke Cunningham — praise not rebuke.
The imprisoned ex-Rep
Endorsed Newt with great pep—
One old colleague Newt doesn’t make puke!
According to Newt Gingrich, his serial wife-cheating makes him “normal,” better able to relate to the problems of average people, and more electable. You’ve got to give that fellow Brownie-points for creativity. Who else could turn multiple affairs into a plus?
In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network this afternoon, Newt Gingrich picked up Rick Perry’s torch in the so-called “war on religion,” promising that he would fight back against judges who are “trying to drive God out of life.” The thrice-married Speaker then defended his personal marital history, claiming his multiple affairs “make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect” because he can understand “the human condition and challenges of life for normal people.”
Limerick Ode To “Normal” Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My affairs make me “normal,” says Newt.
As defenses go, Newt’s is a beaut:
Seems perfection is bad,
And unless you’re a cad,
Your empathy skills are minute.
Newt Gingrich seemed way off his game at last night’s Florida debate. And at first, I attributed this to Mitt Romney’s new, improved debating style.
But Newt apparently needs the adrenalin rush that comes with cheers and applause. And last night’s NBC debate rules precluded such a rush: Audience feedback was limited, in the interest of using the time for actual debating.
So now Newt (always on the outlook for another excuse to bash the media) is petulantly threatening to boycott any debate that limits the audience’s free speech:
Mr. Gingrich’s performance in the debate in Tampa on Monday night was far more muted. Critics noted that he seemed to be off his game. The National Journal, which co-hosted the NBC debate, compared Gingrich to “a stand-up comedian whose routine suffers without echoes of laughter egging him on.”
Mr. Gingrich clearly noticed something was off, too. “We’re going to serve notice on future debates,” he told Fox. “We’re just not going to allow that to happen. That’s wrong. The media doesn’t control free speech. People ought to be allowed to applaud if they want to.”
Hmmm…., I wonder how Newt feels about boos.
Limerick Ode To Newt’s Latest Temper Tantrum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
No cheering at last night’s debate!
This has Gingrich quite peeved and irate.
He says cheers from the crowd
Simply must be allowed.
Without cheers, will Newt Gingrich deflate?
Newt Gingrich demolished Mitt in South Carolina. Newt’s surging in Florida. And Romney’s large national lead is collapsing. Needless to say, the Republican establishment is starting to panic:
To the extent Newt threatens the Establishment, it’s because of his electability–or lack thereof. The GOP’s mandarins see Gingrich’s nomination as a sure way to blow their chance of deposing Barack Obama. They see Gingrich as the political equivalent of a Fukushima nuclear plant worker, with polls showing him to be lethally irradiated by his negative approval ratings. Whereas Mitt Romney is running about even with Barack Obama in head-to-head polling, Newt loses by double-digit margins. Sure, those numbers could change if Gingrich beats Romney and wins the nomination, with all the accolades it entails. On the other hand, his grandiosity syndrome may kick in, as it has before, and render him a laughing stock. Hence the many Establishment Republicans now saying things like, “Newt means losing 45 states.”
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Limerick Ode To Republican Panic
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Republican powers-that-be
Are scared of a Newt-nominee:
Newt’s grandiose ways
Could trigger malaise,
As voters to Democrats flee.
The South Carolina primary is tomorrow, and Newt Gingrich’s poll numbers are picking up steam.
Mitt Romney’s South Carolina Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It appears that Newt Gingrich may win
Tomorrow, to Romney’s chagrin.
Just imagine the gloating
Right after the voting!
If this happens, will Mitt take to gin?
Mitt Romney is fluent in French. Finally, something to like about him!
But not so fast! According to a Newt Gingrich ad, French fluency’s a non-non:
Limerick Ode To Newt “J’accuse” Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s a message from Newt’s latest ad:
Mitt Romney speaks French and that’s bad.
What an odd thing to knock:
Mitt sounds like a Jacques,
And bilingual is suspect. How sad!
Oddly enough, there’s ample evidence that Newt Gingrich pouvait comprendre cette phrase.
Newt Gingrich is on the warpath against Mitt Romney, just as he promised after being decimated by pro-Romney ads in Iowa. And Newt’s latest South Carolina primary video ad is packed with goodies.
One of my favorites is Romney’s “dog on the roof of his car” escapade. But there’s lots more, including “I like being able to fire people…,” “Corporations are people,” “I’m running for president for pete’s sake, I can’t have illegals,” and “10,000 bet.”
And that’s not even Newt’s only anti-Romney video. Another one hits Romney on his abortion rights hypocrisy.
A vindictive Newt isn’t a pretty picture.
Beware The Wrathful Newt (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich is on the attack.
His mission’s to Mitt Romney whack.
Revenge is his quest,
And he seeks it with zest.
Yes, the meanie we know has come back.
During a Laconia, New Hampshire campaign stop, Newt had the audacity to say “I’m not rich.” And his wife Callista helpfully added, “We have one home.” Apparently Newt and I don’t share the same definition of rich:
This past summer, Gingrich had to file the financial-disclosure form required of presidential candidates. It revealed that he has a net worth of at least $6.7 million and that his income was at least $2.6 million in 2010. That’s about 65 times the income of the average family of four in the United States.
Limerick Ode To Newt “I’m Not Rich” Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich would like to be king
And is part of the wealthy right-wing.
He denies that he’s rich.
Just “one home” — what a bitch!
He should shorten his surname to “Ging.”
The headline of this story says it all: “Newly recovered court files cast doubt on Gingrich version of first divorce.”
Newt Still Lying After All These Years (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Newt, on your web site you claim
That divorce was your wife Jackie’s aim.
But the County Clerk files
Show you’re lying by miles.
You brought suit. She objected to same.
Mitt Romney told the New York Times that Newt Gingrich is too “zany” to be U.S. president.
Mitt Critiques Newt (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich is “zany,” says Mitt,
Which makes him for prez quite unfit.
I’m no Mitt devotee,
But I can’t help agree.
“Zany’s” best saved for toons or a skit.
Confessed serial adulterer Newt Gingrich has taken the Family Leader no-adultery pledge, which includes this statement: “I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.”
Apparently, the following limerick was stricken from an earlier draft:
Newt’s Pledge (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
No adult’ry for me, pledges Newt.
I’ve given my cheating the boot.
I’ve confessed and repented.
My soul’s reinvented.
And I can’t get it up, so it’s moot.
In the wake of Mitt Romney’s misplaced $10,000 bet, the “Intrade political futures market shows Mitt Romney’s chances of winning the GOP presidential nomination dropping to 40% today, while Newt Gingrich’s chances have surged to 37%.”
Mitt’s Losing Bet (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt’s ten-thousand dollar faux pas
Makes Republican voters say, “Bah!”
So betting is strong
That Romney’s gone wrong,
And that Newt will get voters’ “Hurrah!”
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
