Pigging Out On Weed (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Feeding weed to your pigs, you’ll agree
Seems a little bit odd, but you see
There’s a butcher who’ll swear
It makes tastier fare.
This doesn’t sound kosher to me.

Dancing with A Wild Man (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband has very wild moves.
So when dancing, it surely behooves
Me to exercise care
And really beware,
As I try not to fall, while he grooves.

A Seafarer Returns (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow returned from the sea
And was greeted by tears from mate Leigh.
“I missed you,” she moaned.
“I sure wish you had phoned,
Cuz your absence seemed fishy to me.”

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow with too much red ink…*

or

A woman was trying to ink…*

or

A woman was hoping to ink…*

or

A fellow was purchasing ink…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Ink
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman with too much red ink
Spilled some paint and rushed off to the sink.
But the stains were severe
And removal costs dear.
You might say she was NOT tickled pink.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Cap’n Richard, the yacht racing buff,
Courts the ladies with confidence bluff.
But his shame, when he fails,
Takes the wind from his sails…
That’s the trouble with falling in luff.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fanatical fairy tale buff
Was told by his wife, “That’s enough!
I have played as Snow White,
Even Gretel at night,
But I won’t be a billy goat gruff!

Congratulations to Diane Groothuis and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Diane Groothuis:

The Oxford Shakespearean buff
Thought things in the old times were tough
It seems rather queer
To lend one your ear
Just to bury a king in a huff.

Will T. Laughlin:

What Antony ought to have said
Was: “Please keep your ears on your head.
Digging graves with your ears
Would take days, if not years…
Romans, lend me your shovels instead!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Tim James, Colleen Murphy, Steve Whitred, Robert Schechter,
Fred Bortz, Carolyn Henly, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A wedding night spent in the buff
Turned out for one guy to be rough.
His bride, not well knowing
The concept of “blowing,”
Passed out after one giant puff.

Colleen Murphy:

My pop was a Civil War buff
Who’d dress in his Civil War stuff.
He’d scare ev’ry neighbor
When armed with his saber,
And bringing in boyfriends was tough!

Steve Whitred:

A woman who’d swim in the buff
With the witches, Macbeth, and Macduff,
Felt it just wasn’t cool
With a dog in the pool
And said “Out damn Spot, ‘nough is enough.”

Robert Schechter:

A woman who cooked in the buff
Should have stopped with one cannabis puff.
“The turkey, or me?”
She asked. “Let me see . . .”
Then she chose the wrong creature to stuff.

Fred Bortz:

My bod, which has never been buff,
Or brawny, or sexy, or tough,
Would be a great pain
Were I hopelessly vain,
But I strive and I thrive. That’s enough.

Carolyn Henly:

A pseudo-Shakespearean buff
Found that learning his lines was quite rough.
He got fired one day
From the old Scottish play
‘Cuz he kept saying “Lead on, Macduff!”

David Lefkovits:

When opting to swim in the buff,
One confronts a decision so tough:
Would it be more obscene
To shave oneself clean
Or fearlessly feature one’s fluff?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Timeline Fix
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Facebook timelines have sunk to a crawl.
They’re so slow, that I just want to bawl.
But I’ve figured the reason
They seems to be freezin’:
With pics, FB’s littered the wall.

I’m referring to pics on the left—
A long column of imagery heft.
Books and “like” pics galore,
Movies, TV, and more.
But it’s fixable. Don’t feel bereft!

There’s an option that Facebook calls “hide”
For most image groups — on their right side.
Strip that left column bare:
With few images there,
It won’t feel like your Timeline has died.

My muse is unleashed by frustration
And foiled by excessive elation.
When I’m irked or irate
I’m more prone to create,
While repose sends my muse on vacation.

(DVerse Poets wants to know what inspires our writing.)

As you all know by now, I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman who’d swim in the buff…*

or

A fellow was trying to buff…*

or

A savvy astronomy buff… (or zoology or economy or gastronomy buff, etc.) *

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Buff (2-Verse)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There once was a limerick buff
Who of rhyming could not get enough.
She would rhyme night and day
In a metrical way,
Writing verse that her spouse labeled fluff.

It was clearly a matter of time
Till their marriage erupted in crime.
Things came to a head;
Now her husband is dead.
Cause of death — spouse aversion to rhyme.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Peter dates an old lady who trips
When she hears Gladys Knight and the Pips;
And knowing he’s scored
When she shouts “All aboard!”
Peter prays that her Poligrip grips.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who win the Special Mother’s Day-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On Mom’s Day she’ll act mild and meek,
But I know that before I can speak
She’ll say “Thanks for the call.”
Then she’ll make me feel small
With “Your brother phones two times a week.”

Congratulations to Mike Moulton, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A hippie who took lots of trips
With reality came not to grips,
As the acid he tried
Left his brain nearly fried
And subject to memory slips.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award, occasionally given to a very clever puzzle in limerick form:

Here’s a puzzle for taking on trips:
At a fork, the path rises or dips.
Pick the one you should take
To arrive at the lake.
In verse two I’ll supply you with tips.

There’s two guides, but be careful, one trips.
Only lies ever come from her lips.
Th’ other guide in the booth
Always tells you the truth.
Which is which? You don’t know, and that rips.

But with guilt, on me, don’t lay your trips.
Both guides know which path’s right and which gyps.
Since these girls are both sibs,
They know which of them fibs
And which sis tells the truth in her quips.

To arrive at the lake on these trips,
It’s now time that we all come to grips.
What’s the question to pose
To one guide, so it shows
Down which path to be pointing your hips?

(Steve provides the answer to his fun puzzle here.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

My career lets me take lots of trips.
I tend bar on some cruise-liner ships.
I like it a lot
‘Cause there’s nothing so hot
As a drunk girl with really big tips.

Fred Bortz:

The astronomer’s too frequent trips
To savor Miss Moonbeam’s sweet lips
Were the proximate cause:
He forgot Kepler’s Laws
And was late for the solar eclipse.

J Cosmo Newbery:

A fellow who took many trips
To clubs where a young lady strips
Got the fright of his life
Recognizing his wife
Both dancing and pulling large tips.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A writer would take frequent trips
To research how each country strips.
“Geisha girls drop their fans.
French nudes do can-cans.
And Middle East girls show their lips.”

Sue Dulley

A comet makes regular trips
Round its orbit, a long thin ellipse.
What to do on the day
Our earth gets in its way?
We’ll need some apocalypse tips.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A mom at the end of her rope
Said “It’s hopeless! I simply can’t cope.
Both the food and the band
Appear to be canned.
Oh, why won’t my daughter elope?”

Happy Mother’s Day!