Mad Kane’s Political Madness

Congratulations to Senators Obama and Biden. An historic election has come to a wonderful conclusion:

Celebratory Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Obama, congrats on your win.
You have done it.  You’ve won it.  You’re in!
Now your job will be tough.
(Please don’t take any guff.)
Let the national healing begin!

An Obsessive’s Lament (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Writing verse about Palin’s been fun.
But enough!  I must know who has won.
Although something disturbs me,
Alarms and perturbs me:
Just what shall I do when it’s done?

Whenever John McCain is asked about Sarah Palin’s qualifications, he falls back on the paternal-sounding (and condescending) “I couldn’t be more proud” of Palin response.  But something tells me he doesn’t use the word “proud” in private:

McCain & Palin: The Not Ready For Prime Time Duo
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There’s a ticket that can’t get along
Cuz the chemistry’s totally wrong.
John may claim to be proud
Of Gov. Palin out loud.
But his eyes say, “Give Sarah the gong!”

I’m a bit late on this.  But I was amused to read that Joe Klein has suffered the same fate as Maureen Dowd — banishment from the McCain / Palin planes:

Just Call It The McPettiness Express
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Beware of the wrath of McCain.
If you’re mean you’ll be barred from his plane.
You’ll join Klein and Mo Dowd –
That non-patriot crowd.
Wave goodbye to the “straight talk” campaign.

It’s hard to believe, but Sarah Palin told People Magazine that she’s an “intellectual.” Sorry, Governor Palin, but I’ve known some intellectuals, and you ain’t no intellectual:

Does Sarah Palin Even Know What Intellectual Means?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Gov. Palin’s astonishing claim?
She’s a smart, “intellectual” dame.
That gal may be bright
And quite tough in a fight,
But her intellect’s woefully lame.

Technorati Tags: Governor Palin, Intellectual Humor, People Magazine, Campaign Satire

After seeing Sarah Palin prance around in so much stylish, pricey-looking apparel, I wrongly assumed Alaska was so sort of fashion Mecca.  But sorry, Alaska.  It turns out that Palin’s $150K wardrobe hails from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York and Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, all courtesy of the RNC and personal shopper Jeff Larson.

So here’s what I want to know:  Does John McCain’s tax plan provide a $150K tax credit for personal shoppers?

Where’s My Personal Shopper?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Gov. Palin, you’re taking some heat
For your clothing which, granted, is neat.
But with budgets austere
Why wear clothing so dear?
And just who are you calling elite?

Technorati Tags: RNC, Republican National Committee, Jeff Larson, Sarah Palin Wardrobe, Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman Marcus, Pricey Clothing, Personal Shopper, Elite, Governor Palin, Senator McCain, Tax Credit, Campaign Satire, Election Humor

Cool news!  Nearly 4000 people submitted haiku to the McPalin Haiku Hysteria contest held by People For The American Way and The Nation Magazine.  And I’m one of the twelve finalists!!!  So I’d really appreciate your voting for my haiku here. The three winning haiku will be published in The Nation.

We were allowed to submit up to three haiku, and here are the three I submitted.  (The first one is the haiku that made the finals.)

Palin knows nothing
About the Constitution.
Puppets don’t have to.

An anti-choice veep
Who opposes free rape kits?
Thanks, John, but no thanks.

Would Palin court picks
Destroy the Constitution?
You betcha! Wink, wink.

Technorati Tags: Palin Haiku, Nation Magazine,  Haiku Contest, People For The American Way, PFAW Contest, Constitution Verse, Campaign Satire, Election Humor

Sarah Palin has a very strange relationship with geography.  Who else do you know who:

1) Keeps an eye on Russia from her Alaska bedroom window;
2) Thinks Afghanistan is “our neighboring country;”
3) Describes New Hampshire as being part of our “great Northwest;” and
4) Tells crowds how much she enjoys visiting “pro-America areas” of America. 

Come to think of it, that last one does make some sense to me: Palin’s marriage to a (presumably reformed) secessionist, must surely make meeting pro-America Americans refreshing, indeed.

However,  I do remain concerned about Palin’s Afghanistan and New Hampshire problem:

Ode To Sarah “Geography-Challenged” Palin
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Gov. Palin’s geography gap
Is appalling. Please give her a map.
This isn’t a test,
But New Hampshire? Northwest?
On our “neighbor” Afghanistan’s lap?

Technorati Tags: Governor Palin, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, New Hampshire,  Afghanistan, Geography Humor, Alaska, Russia

A  bipartisan legislative panel in Alaska finds Sarah Palin guilty of abusing her executive power.  So is Palin contrite?  Hahahahaha!

Actually, I’m find it tough to get my head around Palin’s response.  (Unlike so many Republicans, I’ve never been any  good at holding two contradictory positions at the same time.)

Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin this weekend disregarded an ethics investigator’s finding that she had abused her executive power as Alaska’s governor and instead embraced a second finding in the report to say that she had been cleared of wrongfully firing her state public safety commissioner. …

In a Saturday conference call with Alaska journalists, Palin said she was “pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing … any hint of any kind of unethical activity there.” She denounced the investigation, calling it “a partisan circus.” …

Okay, I’m not positive, but here’s what seems to be the McCain campaign’s official response to the Troopergate ethics violation report: 

1) It  exonerates her; and

2) If it hadn’t been an Obama-controlled hit job, it would have exonerated her.

My head hurts.

Sarah In Wonderland
By Madeleine Begun Kane

So what is Gov. Palin’s excuse
For the finding of power abuse?
She pretends it ain’t there,
While she claims it ain’t fair,
With the facts playing games, fast and loose.

Technorati Tags: Governor Palin, Alaska Ethics Violation, Abuse of Executive Power, McCain Campaign, Election Humor, Campaign Satire, Presidential Election

Team Of Liars
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The McCain/Palin team now is rife
With liars, including John’s wife.
So it’s surely no shock
They’re defaming Barack.
As McCain might say:  John, get a life!

Technorati Tags: Cindy McCain, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Senator McCain, Governor Palin, Presidential Campaign Humor, Obama Verse

It’s not easy to make Rudy Giuliani look like a class act. But both McCain and Palin have managed to do it quite handily.   While Rudy (on at least one occasion) had the decency to chide an audience member for connecting Democrats with terrorists, McCain and Palin apparently feel no such compunction. Why do I say that? Because they greet   anti-Obama audience-shouts like “Treason,”  “Terrorist!” and “Kill!” with silence.

McCain And Palin Make Rudy Look Like A Class Act
By Madeleine Begun Kane

John McCain, I sure hope that you’re proud:
You and Palin prompt rage in a crowd.
Your supporters shout swill:
“Treason!”  “Terrorist!” “Kill!”
Even Rudy would say: Not allowed!

Technorati Tags: Election Humor, Campaign Satire, Presidential Campaign, McCain Verse, Palin Poem, Giuliani Limerick, Democrats, Terrorists, Treason, Crowd Rage, Senator Obama

Ode To Attack Dog Palin (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Palin proudly proclaims “I don’t blink!”
(Doesn’t count when it’s merely a wink.)
She attacks with a smile,
Throwing lies cross the aisle —
Slimes Barack as a terrorist fink.

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin Limerick, Attack Dog Politics, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Presidential Campaign, Obama Verse

Sarah Palin Passes Her Reading Test
By Madeleine Begun Kane

To those who say Palin was best,
I’ll concede she debated with zest.
But she read off her notes
All night long, so your votes
Are based on an open book test.

Technorati Tags: Palin Humor, Biden / Palin Debate, Debate Notes, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, McCain’s VP Pick

According to Fred Thompson, Sarah Palin’s inability to name a single Supreme Court case she disagrees with wasn’t her fault.  Why not?  Because Katie Couric didn’t give her a list of cases.    I half-expected Thompson to demand  a do-over test.

A Do-Over Supreme Court Test For Palin?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You’re excused, dear Ms. Palin. Rejoice!
Now that Thompson has lent you his voice,
The court case-test you flunked
Has been strongly debunked
As unfair — wasn’t  multiple choice.

Technorati Tags: Governor Palin, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Supreme Court Humor, Fred Thompson, Presidential Campaign, Legal Humor, Katie Couric

Sarah Palin, who likes to refer to herself as “Joe Six Pack“, is trying to dupe us into believing she’s “an everyday, working-class American.” Palin even claims that her “Joe Six Pack” status is why “the Washington elite” don’t think she should be running for Veep.  (Apparently it has nothing to do with her making Dan Quayle look like a genius and George Bush look coherent.)

Just wondering: How many “everyday, working-class Americans” do you know who own “a single-engine plane, two boats, two personal watercraft and a half-million-dollar, custom-built home on a lake…”? 

Sarah deserves another limerick, don’t you think?

Dear “Everyday Working Class” Sarah
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your custom-built lake house sounds nice,
And your plane,  boats, and tanning device.
But kindly don’t claim
You’re a “working class” dame.
We don’t buy it, so sorry, no dice.

Technorati Tags: Governor Palin, Palin Poem, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Presidential Election, Working Class Humor, Joe Six Pack, Washington Elite

Palin Panic
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Obama’s campaign sure is fraying,
And the numbers are very dismaying.
If they don’t turn around,
You may soon hear this sound:
Dem agnostics and atheists praying.

Technorati Tags: Governor Palin, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Obama Limerick, John McCain, Agnostics Verse, Atheist Poem, Religion Humor

Great news! I managed to sneak a peek at Sarah Palin’s Barracuda Blog. (It wasn’t easy to do, because she’s almost as secretive about her blog as she is about her email.)

Here’s what she had to say in Entry 1:

Dear Diary,

Sarah Barracuda strikes again … big time!  Take that Ms. Hillary RODHAM Clinton!

I always knew I’d end up in the Oval.  And that my ovaries would take me there. I even knew it way back when I was in one of the five  (or was it six???) colleges I went to for my bachelor’s degree.

I really shouldn’t be writing in my diary right now.  I’m supposed to be studying some foreign policy crapola:  Joe the Jew (who I’m sure is jealous of me) won’t stop prattling nonsense about the difference between the Sunnis and the Shias. He says Johnny-boy keeps forgetting and it’s gonna be my job to jab him whenever he gets it wrong.

Hell, one jab from me would probably kill him. Not a bad idea, come to think of it. But I probably don’t want to rush things.

Oops!  Lieberman just sneaked up on me and started yelling about my diary — he says my calling him ”Joe the Jew” is anti-semitic.  His point?

Anyway, that just proves he’s jealous.  He’s been kissing Johnny-boy’s butt forever and  he came thisclose to the Veep pay-off.  And then I stole his ball … actually, both of them.

Joe (happy now, Joe?) also just told me I have to study faster cuz some news guy’s interviewing me this week.  They were hoping to stall until after the election, but  no dice.  And the worst part is it’s not even a Fox fella.

Oh well… I’m a fast study (boy is Biden gonna be surprised!) And besides,  they tell me the news guy promised to behave.

I guess I’d better put my diary aside for now, and dig into that big pile they have the nerve to call briefing books. Hmmm … I wonder what I should listen to while I study.

Which reminds me — those annoying Heart-girls  are  bitchin about Barracuda being played at my convention.  Hey, if they didn’t want me to use it, they shouldn’t have named it after me.

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin Humor, Sarah Barracuda, Republican VP, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, McCain Humor, Lieberman Satire

Dear John McCain:
 
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
 
Why am I, a liberal feminist, thanking you with such enthusiasm?  Because by naming Sarah Palin to be your running mate, you’ve turned my life around.
 
I mean (and I say this with all due respect) I could have sworn that Ms. Palin was as unqualified to be Veep as I am. Maybe even less qualified, since I’m a lawyer and she isn’t.
 
But it turns out I was wrong.  Why? Cuz she’s the Governor of Alaska, a state that’s really, really close to Russia. 

And, as I’ve learned from you and your current wife, proximity equals expertise.   Which means that Governor Palin’s already an expert on Russia.  And anything else she needs to know in the foreign policy department she’ll absorb by osmosis, simply by hanging out near your knees. 

Speaking selfishly (and who doesn’t?) here’s the coolest part of this whole osmosis thing: Without any additional schooling or training, I have the expertise to do a gazillion hard things I haven’t studied for even an hour.  For instance:
 
1. Heart surgery.  (A cardiac specialist lives two houses away, and we say “hi” at least twice a month.)
 
2. Gourmet cooking.  (My home’s within three blocks of over two dozen great restaurants.  From the smell alone, I’ve surely  picked up culinary chops.)
 
3. Olympic swimming.  (I live in Bayside.  Need I say more?)
 
4. Podiatry.  ( I know someone who knows someone who knows Dick Morris.  Okay, maybe not podiatry … but certainly pedicures.)
 
I could go on forever, because osmosis has opened the doors to countless challenging professions.  How many? I can’t count that high cuz I don’t know any mathematicians.

But I do want you to know how happy and grateful I am. In fact, I’m so excited,  I’m having trouble deciding which high level profession to try out first.
 
Or maybe I should just wait for my future boss to come to me.

So thanks, Senator McCain.  And please stay well  … at least until that foreign policy osmosis thing kicks in for Ms. Palin and the pesky Axis of Evil.

Oh … and one more thing: Please keep me in mind if you ever need heart surgery.

Technorati Tags: Senator McCain, Governor Palin, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Running Mate Humor, VP Verse, Veep Vetting, Qualifications Humor, Heart Surgery Humor

How nice that John McCain is finally getting around to vetting his temper-tantrum-inspired, Lieberman/Ridge-rebound Veep pick.

However, despite all the disqualifying details he’s belatedly learning, McCain is unlikely to dump Sarah Palin from the ticket unless he’s forced to.  Admitting a mistake in judgment?  Not gonna happen. Unless, maybe, it turns out she shot an aging lawyer in the face … and probably not even then.

But hey, at least Palin’s an expert on Russia.  Which reminds me —  I can’t help wondering if Condi feels foolish about wasting  so much time studying up on Russia, when all she really had to do was  move to Alaska.

And now it’s time for two limericks:

It appears that McCain failed to vet
A woman he barely had met.
Then he named her for Veep
And now he’s hip deep
In  her muck.  Yet he feigns no regret.

John’s allies are  praisin’ and hailin’
The selection of unprepared Palin.
But will buyers’ remorse
Attack them in force
If McCain ever seems to be ailin’?

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin Limerick, John McCain Humor, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Presidential Election 2008, Lieberman Verse, Tom Ridge Poem. Russian Expert, Alaska Governor, Condi Rice Humor, Vetting Candidates

Sarah Palin For Veep? I knew John McCain and his Rovian puppet masters were cynical, but this takes the cake.

But hey, I’m a female.  So I guess I have to vote for whats-her-name, right?  After all, the only reason I was backing Hillary is cuz we’re both female. So naturally, now that Obama’s chosen Biden as his running mate, I must vote for a woman who STANDS FOR EVERYTHING I DESPISE:

Sarah Who???
By Madeleine  Begun Kane

Dear Johnny, I can not conceive
What could possibly make you believe
That your anti-choice pick
Could possibly click
With us Hillary-gals.  How naive!

You must think that we women are sheep,
Who would swoon at a female for Veep.
But a right-wingnut gal
Who’d control our canal?
Oh, that hole that you’re digging is deep.

Yes, your pick has a beautiful face
And she’ll help you to shore up your base.
But she’s wrong to the core
And (like you) she’s just more
Of Bush/Cheney … with feminine grace.

UPDATE: I’m very pleased that my Robert Benchley Society Humor Award has generated a fair amount of publicity. This article in Gannett’s Journal News is probably the best of the stories.  And it has a fun companion video of me reading one of my humor columns.

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin, John McCain Humor, Palin Humor, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Hillary Clinton Verse, Biden Nomination, Obama Poem, Feminist Humor, Gender Satire