Mad Kane’s Political Madness

Every so often, I’ll get an out-of-the-blue email from some on-deadline journalist in search of a timely, amusing quote. And though I’m not exactly a one-liner kind of gal, I always give it a try.

And so late Thursday afternoon, while I was working on a still-to-come post and poll about General Petraeus’s upcoming surge report (and ignoring the rest of the news), I got an email from Robert Marchant, a reporter with The Journal News in Westchester County, New York. (In case you’ve never heard of it, it’s the Gannett daily that services the Clintons’ hometown — Chappaqua, New York.)

Marchant wrote:

I enjoy your blog. I’m a reporter with the Journal News in Westchester County, and I’m writing an article about efforts to sell “tickets” to the Brooke Astor funeral on the Internet. Thought you might have an observation about this, humorous or otherwise. Please drop a line if you have a chance.

His was an interesting query — not to mention a nice publicity opportunity. All I had to do was write something really funny and really fast about a story I’d never heard of. I mean, I knew that the great philanthropist Brooke Astor had just died and would presumably have some sort of celebrity-filled funeral. But the funeral ticket sales item had eluded me. (That’s what I get for mocking the GOP 24/7.) 

Now I didn’t think Marchant would be too impressed if I wrote back, “Huh? What ticket sales?” So instead, I turned to my trusty Google. And as always, it came through for me, leading me to this New York Daily News story:

Somebody is trying to cash in on Brooke Astor’s funeral. 

With an A-list crowd of New York bluebloods, politicians and celebrities expected to attend the beloved socialite’s farewell tomorrow, an ad selling two tickets in the “16th pew from the front” for $500 appeared on the Craigslist Web site yesterday.

But Astor’s daughter-in-law, Charlene Marshall, said the tickets were fake.

She called it “absolutely ghastly” that somebody was trying to profit from Astor’s death and noted the service is open to the public.  …

Cool!  Now I had some vague idea what I was supposed to be making fun of.  I played around with limericks for a bit, but nothing took shape.  Then I tried my hand at haiku and wrote one that was okay, but not especially funny:

Craigslist ticket ad
For Brooke Astor’s funeral:
Masterful satire.

No, that just wouldn’t do.  I needed to write a Jon Stewart-worthy one-liner … or at least something that might make Marchant (and his editor) giggle just a bit. 

The minutes ticked away as I thought about those tickets.  And then it finally came to me:

Just $500 bucks for two Brooke Astor funeral ticks? Now that’s what I’d call A Modest Proposal. 

I sent it off, Marchant liked it, and now its fate is in his editor’s hands.  If it appears in his article, I’ll post an update.  But in the meantime, here’s a limerick I wrote after Marchant’s deadline had passed:

Ode To Brooke Astor
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

A generous lady named Astor,
Whose kindness will surely outlast her,
Is mourned far and wide
Since she recently died,
And nobody’s ever outclassed her.

UPDATE: Marchant’s article is up and it quotes both my one-liner and a couple of words from my haiku. Here’s the article: Ticket sales for Astor funeral branded a hoax. Also, if you’d like to read (or re-read) Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, here it is.

Technorati Tags: Brooke Astor, Astor Funeral, Funeral Tickets, Robert Marchant, Gannett Daily, News Journal Westchester, Craigslist Ad, A Modest Proposal, Jonathan Swift

Please forgive me for not being all that impressed with the Republican Gang of Eleven, who supposedly hammered  George Bush about Iraq and had  the “most unvarnished conversation they’ve ever had with the president.”  And Tim Russert’s breathless reports about this so-called  “defining pivotal moment” in the Iraq debate (and his media echo chamber) merely enable these eleven endangered Republicans to dupe their constituents into believing that they’re finally doing something about the war in Iraq. 

All eleven voted with the President on the Iraq war spending bill and the redeployment bill that came before Congress this week. So woopdidoo!  And a limerick too:

Ode To the Lame GOP Gang Of Eleven
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Eleven Republicans bray:
“We told Dubya what’s what — had our say.
We critiqued Bush’s war
And we gave him what-for.”
Then they all vote the President’s way. 

Technorati Tags: Iraq War, President Bush, Republicans Humor, Media Echo Chamber, Unvarnished Conversation, Defining Pivotal Moment, Gang Of Eleven, GOP, Tim Russert

Rachel Maddow has an  update on Orrin Hatch’s smear campaign against Carol Lam, the U.S. Attorney for San Diego who was recently fired by the Justice Department. Senator Hatch has now issued a just-barely-an-apology for telling the following lies about Lam this past Sunday on NBC’s Meet the Press:

She was a former law professor, no prosecutorial experience, and the former campaign manager in Southern California for Clinton.

I’ve summarized this sorry saga in a pair of limericks called Truth On The Lam:

Truth On The Lam
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Orrin Hatch hatched big lies about Lam,
Won’t admit that his claims are a sham.
She was wrongfully axed,
But he conjured up “facts”.
About truth Hatch does not give a damn.

Under pressure, Hatch issues a letter
To Tim Russert that isn’t much better
Than his televised lies.
Hatch just barely denies
That his Lam claims belong in the shredder. 

Technorati Tags: Carol Lam, Orrin Hatch, Senator Hatch, Tim Russert, Televised Lies, Rachel Maddow, Smear Campaign, U.S. Attorney, San Diego, Justice Department, NBC’s Meet The Press, Prosecutorial Experience

To Be Honest…
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“In all candor” prepares me for lies
When it’s said by political guys.
Politicians proclaiming
They’re honest are aiming
To fool us—a word to the wise. 

Technorati Tags: Political Animals, Politicians Humor

Alas, the magnificent Molly Ivins has died.  To call her a great wit and outstanding journalist would be an understatement.  She has always been an inspiration to me and to every other liberal I know who tries to write political satire.

Back when George Dubya Bush was Governor of Texas, way before anyone else had a clue as to Bush’s many failings and failures, Ms. Ivins was exposing them, both in her columns and in a short, but informative, book entitled Shrub.  

Ivins had countless fans, of course, but it’s clear that not enough people were paying attention to her Bush coverage.  For had they heeded her warnings, George W. Bush would never have been able to (with the help of the U.S. Supreme Court) steal Election 2000.

I’m going to end this with a limerick, although I suppose some people might disapprove.  I’d like to think Ms. Ivins would chuckle at the idea of a limerick obit, for nobody had a greater sense of humor than Molly Ivins.

Ode To Molly Ivins
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Who started the anti-Bush club?
Molly Ivins, the author of Shrub.
She alone had Dub’s number.
She warned he’d encumber
Our nation as President Dub.

Technorati Tags: Molly Ivins, Molly Ivins Death, George Bush, Journalist Obit, Shrub

In a move sure to aggravate unagented (and poorly agented) authors, Jenna Bush has scored a high-powered literary agent — Robert Barnett.  So, what’s the subject of Jenna’s masterpiece?  Barnett has been shopping her “young-adult book based on the former grade school teacher’s experiences with charity causes in Latin America” to New York publishers.  Oh, goody!  (Via PoliticalWire)

Jenna Bush, Author?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A Bush twin (not Barb, but the other)
Is shopping a kid’s book. Oh, brother!
Can Jenna Bush write?
Do her verbal skills bite?
Let us hope she takes after her mother. 

Technorati Tags: Jenna Bush, Author Humor, Bush Twins, Book Humor, Literary Agent Humor, Publishing Humor, Robert Barnett

Ode To Dennis “Muslim Menace” Prager
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m enraged at host Prager. Yes, Dennis.
To the truth he is rather a menace,
Cause he gave Muslims grief
When he lied about Keith,
By inventing a Biblical oath dis.

Technorati Tags: Dennis Prager, Keith Ellison, Media Humor, Koran, Bible, Muslim Congressman

Fair And Balanced Haiku
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Democratic win
Is Terrorist Victory:
Fair and balanced Fox.

Joe’s Jive
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Joe warns: Compromise
And heed election’s lessons.
A not so veiled threat?

Trent Lott’s Revenge
By Madeleine Begun Kane

GOP misdeeds
Make Lott look nearly saint-like,
Enabling comeback.

Technorati Tags: Election ‘06 Humor, Trent Lott Comeback, Lieberman Humor, Fox News, Fair And Balanced, Terrorist Victory

Today I have a limerick about Lynne “What Lesbian Novel?” Cheney, and her audacity in bashing Jim Webb as a smut writer. But first some info about my appearance last Friday on The Surreal News Show on Sarasota, Florida’s WSLR 96.5 LP FM Radio.

The interview went pretty well – nearly 45 minutes of talk about politics, humor, limerick writing, George Bush & Laura, Rush Limbaugh and Michael J. Fox, Katherine Harris, 9/11, etc.

I also read a few of my poems, sang one of my song parodies, and talked about how I went from oboe playing, to lawyering, to GOP mockery.

If you’d like to give it a listen, it’s archived here. (My segment begins ten minutes into the show.)

And now, my latest limerick:

Ode to Lynne “What Lesbian Novel?” Cheney
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The author of Sisters, named Lynne,
Thinks her party at all costs must win.
She denies that her book
Has a lesbian hook,
And blasts Dems for their fictional sin. 

Technorati Tags: Lynne Cheney, Senate Race, Jim Webb, George Allen, Sarasota,  Florida, WSLR Radio, Surreal News, Lesbian Novel, Sisters, Election Humor,  GOP Porn

Nixing the Chicks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

NBC nixes
Ad for Dixie Chicks movie.
Flips bird at fairness.

(The song parody I wrote back in 2003 about the Dixie Chicks being treated like traitors is here.)

Technorati Tags: Country Music, Dixie Chicks,  Documentary,  Patriotism Humor, NBC Ads, Censorship

I usually avoid writing about (or listening to) Rush Limbaugh.  But Limbaugh’s outrageous attack on the ailing Michael J. Fox, followed by his non-apology apology, inspired me to write this pair of poems. First, my Rush haiku:

Limbaugh’s Fox attack:
Pestilence in broadcasting,
Toxic radio.

And now, my limerick:

Limbaugh maligned Michael Fox,
Who is ill and admired and rocks.
But drug popping Rush
Doesn’t know when to hush,
And he’s happy to sick people mock.

Update: For some Limbaugh laughs, check out Don Davis’s Limbaugh ‘Stays The Coarse’: Claims FDR Faked Polio, and Limbaughtomy.
And for your further reading (and viewing) pleasure:
*** Norm at OneGoodMove has Letterman’s amusing February video.
*** The latest Carnival of Satire.
*** The latest Carnival of the Liberals.
*** The latest Carnival of the Vanities.
*** Why did the Bush family, via daughter Jenna, purchase over 98,000 acres of land in Paraguay? Scorpio has an interesting theory, and Skippy has another good theory. (Via Avedon Carol)
*** The Carnival of Success.

Technorati Tags: Rush Limbaugh, Michael J. Fox, Campaign Ads, Senate Campaign,  Stem Cell Research, Parkinson’s Disease, Talk Shows, Radio Humor, Disability, Election Advertising,  Election Humor

It’s always embarrassing for me to admit this, but Peggy Noonan and I  went to the same high school –  Massapequa High School on Long Island, New York. (I didn’t know her, though. Or if I did, I don’t remember her.)

As a sister Massapequan, I like to write Peggy Noonan the occasional poem.  Today’s verse was inspired by this Peggy Noonan Wall Street Journal column, as dissected by Eric Boehlert in Media Matters.

Dear Peggy
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Peg’s practicing projection
As the wingnuts often do.
Noonan’s accusations
Versus Dems come right on cue.

Conservatives are civil?
And the Dems would stop dissent?
Peggy, it’s your allies
Who would discourse circumvent.

My Peggy Noonan haiku is here, and my post about the many famous Massapequans (Jerry Seinfeld, the Baldwin brothers, etc.) is here.

Technorati Tags: Peggy Noonan, Wall Street Journal, Massapequa High School, Massapequans, Media Matters, Projection, Dissent, Civil Discourse, Jerry Seinfeld, Baldwin Brothers

Every time I start thinking the press may finally be doing its job, I run across another example of media laziness and gullibility.  

For instance, the record shattering August U.S. trade deficit received minimal coverage, almost as if it were a non-event.

Yet many “journalists” seemed all too eager to report, unchallenged, Bush’s “halving the budget deficit” claim, though this assertion is patently false.

But perhaps I’m not being fair. Cause let’s face it,  Bush style accounting could improve just about anybody’s budget. Think how rosy yours would look if, with the flick of a black pen, you moved major expenses (housing? energy?) off budget.

And now it’s time for a limerick duo:

Trading On Fiction
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The trade gap is higher than ever.
Will Republicans fix it? No, never!
Yet the GOP yells:
“The economy’s swell.”
Don’t forget to click “Dem” with that lever.

Budget Reality Gap
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The deficit’s halved, claims George Dub.
But it’s gone way, way up. There’s the rub.
Yet the press prints and buys
Georgie Dubya’s big lies.
Once again, hard reality’s scrubbed.

For your reading (and viewing) pleasure:
* Norm at OneGood Move brings us the always hilarious Lewis Black.
* Skippy brings us a Kerry cahones video. (Now he grows a pair?)
* From Kevin Hayden, GOP’s Top Bloggers Abandon Ship, While Remaining in Denial.
* From Don Davis, Top Ten Things The Bushies Are Saying Behind The Evangelicals’ Backs.
* From The Talking Dog, an interview with Dr. Steven Miles, medical professor at the U. of Minnesota, and author of “Oath Betrayed” discussing medical complicity in torture, prisoner abuse, et al, in the war on terror.

Technorati Tags: Deficit Spending, Budget Deficit, Trade Deficit, Trade Gap, Press Humor, Gullible Journalists, Budget Lies, Off Budget Items

Olbermann goes
Where others don’t dare.
It’s amazing that Keith
Remains on the air.

Technorati Tags: Keith Olbermann, News Commentary, MSNBC Host, Media Humor, Cable News

Bob Woodward, Born Again Journalist
By Madeleine Begun Kane

State of Denial’s
Bob Woodward’s new book.
At long last he’s onto
Those devious crooks.

It neatly compiles
Much dirt on George Bush.
How nice that Bob Woodward’s
Stopped kissing Dub’s tush.

(My political poems are collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Bob Woodward, State of Denial, Journalism Humor, Media Bias, Mediocre Media, Woodward Bush Coverage

Civil war rages.
Generals speak out.
The press must be in cages:
There’s a coverage drought.

Voting day’s coming.
Everything’s at stake.
George Bush is surely humming,
Cause reporters ain’t awake.

(Thanks to Eric Boehlert for the inspiration. Via Avedon Carol)

(My political verse is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Bush, Press Humor, Media Humor, Reporters, Newspapers,  News

ABC movie
Shifts Nine-one-one blame through lies,
To steal votes from Dems.

(My political poetry is here and my news haiku page is here.)

Technorati Tags: 9/11, ABC, Film, ABC Movie,  Docudrama,  Slander, Libel, Bill Clinton,  Nine Eleven, Haiku, Poems, Poetry,   Terrorism

Republicans chide
The press, when it tells the truth.
Dems decry press lies.

(My political poetry is here and my news haiku page is here.)

Technorati Tags: Truth, Lies, Press, GOP, Haiku,  Republicans, Poems, Poetry