MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Ode To An Absent-Minded Husband
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your umbrella can not have gone far.
Can’t believe how forgetful you are!
If we still had each cent
On umbrellas you’ve spent,
We’d have cash to put gas in our car.

Note: My otherwise wonderful husband has lost so many umbrellas over the years, our umbrella fund could actually gas up at least a dozen cars … even at today’s prices.

Thanks to Simply Snickers for the “umbrella” prompt, Weekend Wordsmith for the “torrential rain” prompt, and Sunday Scribblings for its “family” prompt.

Technorati Tags: Cars Limerick, Gas Price Humor, Absent-Mindedness, Family Verse, Money Poetry, Marriage Poems, Relationships Poetry, Weather Limerick, Husband Humor

Cautionary Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Identity theft is quite scary,
Causing problems horrific. Be wary!
Your rep can be doomed,
And your assets consumed
By any old Tom, Dick, or Harry.

(Note:  This was inspired by Writers Island’s “identity” prompt and Totally Optional Prompts’ “transformation” prompt.  And speaking of prompts, there’s still plenty of time to participate in my “dog-related verse” prompt.

Technorati Tags: Identity Theft Limerick, Reputation Humor, Writing Prompts, Assets Loss Verse, Legal Limerick, Money Verse, Credit Humor

I thought I was through bitching about taxes and the IRS for at least a few months.  But apparently not: 

Dear IRS
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear folks at the Fed IRS,
Your rules and your regs are a mess.
You’re unfair to the poor. 
Middle class?  Even more.
So beware, cuz I know your address.

Note to the FBI, the IRS, and Homeland Security: This is a humor blog, so please don’t arrest me. Thanks for … uh … listening. 

Technorati Tags: IRS Humor, Taxation Satire, Limericks, Tax Humor, Letter Poems, Money Verse, Tax Poetry 

Interactive Taxes
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don’t you think you should do them anyway? After all, it’s April 14. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a refund.

That’s the spirit. Let’s begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don’t let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.

Please don’t cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let’s talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they’re not all in college.

You’re having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can’t help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.

I hate lawyers too. But we’re really veering off track … Interactive Taxes is continued here.

Technorati Tags: Income Tax Humor, Computer Software Humor, Tax Filing Humor, Technology Commentary, Money Satire, Financial Humor

Here in the U.S., tax return day (April 15th) is looming. So today’s limerick and haiku theme is taxes and tax returns or, if you prefer, forms that drive you nuts. First, my limerick:

Taxing Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My records are scattered.  Oh dear!
And tax filing day’s almost here.
My receipts are all over –
Some eaten by Rover.
I’m destined for prison, I fear.

And now my haiku:

Whether you owe cash
Or are due a tax refund
Filing is taxing.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about taxes and tax returns and/or forms that drive you nuts. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. 

(If you need some tips on limerick or haiku writing, I link to some helpful sites here.)

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants

1. paisley
2. Noah the Great
3 Tumblewords
4. XBox Wife
5. Robert

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your tax-themed verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Technorati Tags: Tax Return Humor, IRS Poem, Writing Prompts, U.S. Taxes, April 15th Humor, Tax Refunds, Money Limerick, Annoying Forms

Loan Poem
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Are you desp’rate — in need of a loan?
Friends and fam’ly won’t throw you a bone?
Don’t go on a bender.
Just use a good lender
And safeguard the stuff that you own.

Technorati Tags: lender humor, borrowing money poem, bank limerick

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is money. First, my limerick:

I once balanced my checkbook with ease.
But, alas, it’s no longer a breeze.
Where is each canceled check?
Banking statements are dreck.
Are they trying to hide all those fees?

And now my haiku:

“People want change,”
Claim presidential candidates.
I’d prefer twenties.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about money. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky.

(If you need some tips on limerick or haiku writing, I link to some helpful sites here.)

Technorati Tags: Money Verse, Banking Statements, Checkbook Humor, Financial Poetry, Banking Limerick

Charge! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“A charge account’s wrong to its core,”
Said the dad, who paid cash at each store.
Then a flight was near barred
By the lack of a card,
Until “Here,” said his teen, “I have four.”

Author’s Note: This limerick is loosely based on personal experience. My now 92 year old father used to strongly disapprove of charge accounts. But one day, many years ago, he had to book an emergency plane trip over the phone and was stymied by his lack of a charge card. Fortunately, I had a charge account, even though I was an unemployed college student. So I proudly saved the day, and my father became an immediate charge card convert. 

(You can find more of my money humor and verse here. and you can find lots of money related poems and prose over at Sunday Scribblings.)

Technorati Tags: Charge Card Humor, Charge Account, Borrowing Money

Something tells me that writing this post amounts to begging for more spam. If so, I’ll just have to post some extra spam haiku.

But getting back to today’s joker of a topic, last year, when my husband Mark and I vacationed in Las Vegas, Mark gambled away twenty bucks — tops, and I didn’t gamble at all.  Okay, I did get on a plane, but other than that…  

And that brings me to today’s limerick:

Me Gamble? No Dice!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You should never play cards on a lark
With a Vegas-style card-wielding shark.
Whether blackjack or poker,
Don’t deal with a joker
And gamble at being a mark.

Technorati Tags: Gambling Verse, Gaming Poem, Last Vegas, Blackjack, Poker, Card Humor, Card Sharks, Weekend Wordsmith

Many prestigious and popular sites just took a huge Google PageRank hit. For instance,  The Washington Post, Forbes, The Chicago Sun-Times, and SFGate.com have all dropped from a 7 to a 5.

Search engine experts and webmasters are speculating that Google is punishing these and numerous other sites because of their advertising practices.  And that brings me to my latest haiku:

Is Google at war,
Smiting ad revenue streams
That bypass Google?

(You can find more of my technology, computer, and search engine humor here and my news haiku here.)

Technorati Tags: Google Humor, PageRank Poetry, Revenue Streams, Search Engine Humor, Webmaster Poetry, Computer Humor,  Technology Haiku 

Pity The Poor Lawyer
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your billable hours are low,”
Said the partner. “They simply must grow.
It behooves you to hike them
Or better, please spike them.
To lunch breaks and sleep, just say no!”

(This is but one of many reasons why I’m a “recovering lawyer.” You can find more of my law humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Limerick, Billable Hours, Law Partner, Lunch Breaks, Sleep Humor, Slavedriver Law Firms, Legal Humour, Work Satire, Workplace Limerick

Thanks to all of you who participated in this, my third limerick writing contest. (And yes, I’ll be running another contest later this summer.) Once again, your enthusiasm and creativity has made this a fun experience for me and, I hope, for you.

The response to my money-related limerick writing contest exceeded my wildest hopes and set a new record - 94 limericks were submitted. And the overall quality of the entries was very impressive — so impressive, that I’ve decided to expand the prize money pool enough to award an extra prize.

And speaking of prizes, I’m awarding a First Prize ($25 in PayPal cash), a Second Prize ($15 in PayPal cash), a Third Prize ($10 in PayPal cash), and six Honorable Mentions. And the winners are…

FIRST PRIZE goes to Max Gutmann (author of There Was a Young Girl from Verona: A Limerick Cycle Based on the Complete Dramatic Works of Shakespeare) for a limerick that made me laugh out loud, no matter how many times I re-read it:

Can the money you’ve got be called loot?
Here’s a test: did a guy in a suit
Grunt “Da big guy sez T’anks”?
Did you “find” it in banks?
Did a lady say, “Take it, don’t shoot”?

SECOND PRIZE goes to Shawn McBurnie for this very amusing (and all too true) limerick:

Let me tell you, it’s not what you know.
I work hard, but I’ve reached a plateau.
I’ve a dozen degrees,
Which astounds the trustees—
Would you like that for here or to go?

THIRD PRIZE goes to mephistopheles for this funny limerick:

A drunk who was drowning his sorrow
Had requested some cash he could borrow,
And polite as can be,
Bowed and thanked both of me,
And avouched he’d repay us tomorrow.

And six HONORABLE MENTIONS go to (listed in submission order):

Jesse Frankovich:
The more of my money I bet,
The more in return I shall net!
But, of course, should I lose,
I’ll be singing the blues
As each bet, I regret, becomes debt.

Chris Young:
There’s a dieting guru called Valerie
Who garners the healthiest salary.
Her food range (extensive)
Is so darn expensive,
It works out as £10 per calorie.

Stephen Gold:
This accrued lunch expense is so high…
Do you think that your limit’s the sky?
To the counters of beans
All your bean-feasting means
It’s a fine time to bid you goodbye.

Chris Doyle:
A Switzerland bank says I’ll earn
All the interest with little concern
That the Feds can acquire
The date of my wire,
So soon I’ll have money to Bern.

Doug Harris:
“Being rich = happy”. Not I!
My disposable income’s run dry.
Some say that great wealth
Is just bad for your health
Maybe so, but I’d give it a try!

Rebecca Zugor:
My credit card spending is vast -
Not sure how much longer I’ll last.
To help pay these bills
Leave me lots in your wills.
I need cash in a flash, please die fast!

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everybody who participated. (You can read all of the entries right here.)

And please stay tuned — I’ll be announcing another limerick contest very soon right here in this blog. And if you have any contest topic suggestions, feel free to post them in a comment to this post. 

Technorati Tags: Limerick Contest, Money Limericks, Contest Results, Prize Winning Limericks, Money Wit And Poems

Cashing In With “Doggie da Vincis” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A dog trainer needed some cash,
So she dreamed up a plan—made a splash:
Teaching dogs how to paint
Abstract art. Great they ain’t,
Though their pictures make mine look like trash.

According to a June 2007 AP news story, Mary Stadelbacher, a dog trainer from Salisbury, Maryland, taught three dogs how to hold a paint brush and paint abstract art. The “doggie da Vincis” are being featured in a Salisbury University art gallery and also have a line of greeting cards.

I must admit to being conflicted about this story.  On the one hand, it strikes me as utterly absurd and makes me feel bad for artists who paint actual art.  On the other hand, those dogs sure as hell paint a lot better than I can.

(You can find more of my dog and animal related verse and humor here and my money humor here.)

=========

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Friday Ark
* Carnival of the Insanities
* StoryBlogging Carnival
* Carnival of Family Life

Technorati Tags: Dogs Humor, Canine Poems, Doggie da Vincis, Abstract Art Satire, Animal Training, Dog Trainers, Dog Painters, Blog Publicity, Linky Love

Married To Money
By Madeleine Begun Kane

He’s a cheapskate, so stingy with cash,
That he threw an embarrassing bash:
When his daughter was wed
He paid eight bucks a head,
So no band, booze, or blooms — only hash.

I have lots more money humor here.  And don’t forget to enter my money-themed limerick contest with money prizes. Okay, not a lot of money, but still…

Technorati Tags: Wedding Limerick, Money Limerick, Husband Wife Limerick, Marriage Limerick, Family Humor, Cheapskate Humor, Parenting, Parents, Fathers, Dads, Stinginess. Stingy, Cash, Band, Flowers, Hash

If you’ve followed my previous limerick contests, you know that it’s just about time for another one.

So here’s my challenge: Write a money-related limerick (earning it, spending it, saving it, investing it, winning it, wasting it, being taxed on it, etc.) and post it here in a comment to this post, no later than Wednesday, June 27, 2007. (You may enter as many limericks as you’d like.) I’ll announce the winners on Thursday, June 28, 2007.

The first prize will be $25. The second prize will be $10. Both prizes will be paid via PayPal.

So, what exactly is a limerick? It’s a five line poem with an AABBA rhyme scheme and a very specific meter exemplified by these winning entries. (For more information about limericks check out these fine sites: Encyclospeedia Oedilfica and OEDILF.)

I’m looking forward to reading your entries! 

Update: This contest is now closed, and the names of the winners and their winning entries are here. Thanks so much for your many excellent submissions. 

Technorati Tags: Limerick Contest, Money Limericks, Money Poems, Financial Limericks, Writing Contests, Money Verse, Financial Verse, Money Poetry

Bill Collection Time (A Legal Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The judge viewed your case with derision,
So he rendered an adverse decision.
But when paying my bill,
Do not bear me ill will,
‘Cause I saved you from going to prison.

UPDATE: Don’t forget to enter my Mother’s Day limerick writing contest.  The deadline is May 12, 2007 and there are money prizes for the best two limericks.

Technorati Tags: Judge Humor, Courthouse Humor, Legal Satire, Law Humor, Criminals, Money Humor, Bills, Prison Humor, Accounts Payable Humor

I’m afraid I can’t stop writing tax return limericks — probably because it’s a lot more fun than actually working on my tax return.

Yet Another Tax Filing Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Why does tax filing time cause such stress?
Wretched forms to fill out—it’s a mess!
All confused, you say, “Heck!”
Then you write out a check
For what’s due or, at least, your best guess.

Technorati Tags: Taxing Humor, Income Tax Humor, Money Satire, Form 1040 Humor, Tax Filing Humor, Federal Income Tax

Tacky Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

These armchairs are tacky and lack
Sound support for my weary old back.
Their seats are too deep
And their prices too steep.
Ow! What’s this in my tushie? A tack!

Technorati Tags: Furniture Humor, Furnishings, Chairs, Back Pain, Shopping Satire, House Decorating Humor

So, have you started working on your income tax return  yet? Me neither.

Form 1040 Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There’s a tax form that makes me irate:
Form 1040, a long form I hate,
Due mid-April, each year,
With my check. (Will it clear?)
It’s no wonder I always file late. 

Technorati Tags: Taxing Humor, Income Tax Humor, Money Satire, Form 1040 Humor, Tax Filing Humor, Federal Income Tax, Procrastination Humor

Boot-Licked
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My new laptop refuses to boot,
So I’m thinking of filing a suit.
Plug and play this sure ain’t.
If it started, I’d faint.
Lots of loot for this trash don’t compute. 

Technorati Tags: Computer Satire, Technology Satire, Money Limerick, Law Humor, Laptop Humor, Boot Failure, Plug And Play

Taxing Times
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

My husband Mark and I usually prepare our joint tax returns jointly. Being good citizens, we begin early in February with tax planning discussions like this:

Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You’re absolutely right. I’ll pick up Quicksand’s ShirkoTax this week.

By late March we’ve made impressive progress:

Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You’re absolutely right. I’ll pick up Quicksand’s ShirkoTax this week.

Our tax planning culminates promptly on April 14 when Mark boots up the computer, loads ShirkoTax, and does whatever it is one does with tax software. … (Taxing Times is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Tax Humor, Income Tax Humor, Money Satire, Husband Wife Humor

Man Can’t Live By Bread Alone … Or Can He?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Here’s some bread for some bread at the store.
Bring back change or you’re toast, cause we’re poor.
Get me wheat bread or white,
And I’ll toast it quite light.
But this dough ain’t for anything more.

Technorati Tags: Money Satire, Bread, Food Satire, Shopping, Wordplay Humor

Antique Antics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Is this lampshade antique or just old?
They tell me it’s rare. I’m not sold.
But I had it appraised
And was rather amazed:
It’s worth thousands, though covered in mold.

Technorati Tags: Antiques Humor, Appraisals, Mold, Shopping Fun, Money Satire

Deep Pockets/Pricey Dockets
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you’re broke, it ain’t smart to defame
An affluent fellow’s good name.
With his pockets so deep,
Your defense won’t be cheap.
No, the law ain’t a poor person’s game.

(My legal humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Humor, Attorney Humor, Law Humor, Legal Humor, Defamation Humor, Libel Humor, Slander Humor, Litigation Humor, Money Humor

Accounting For That CPA
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This accountant is no CPA,
Though he hopes to become one some day.
The exams are a trial,
But they’re surely worthwhile:
He’ll track money for much better pay. 

(My money humor is collected here and my career and workplace humor is collected here.) 

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Accountants, Accounting, CPA, Professions, Exams

If you’ve ever visited the delightful Bobbarama, you know that its witty proprietor  posts the occasional Take Two. So, what exactly is a Take Two?  It’s a  battle of the sexes type humor collaboration, in which Bob and a funny female both write about a given topic.

Why am I telling you this?  Because today I’m the female half of Bob’s collaboration, and the topic is shopping. I hope you’ll enjoy my take on shopping with your mate, which is in the form of a multiple choice quiz.  (You’ll find a link to Bob’s take at the end of this post.)

Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate? (Humorous Quiz)
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

One sure way to test a relationship is to shop with your mate. Not only is joint shopping stressful, but it amplifies differences in temperament and taste. It can even lead to bickering, brawls, and mayhem. So take this compatibility quiz now. Or risk being ousted from your favorite boutique.

1. When you arrive at the mall he:

a. Says “Let’s shop together. It’ll be fun.”
b. Says “Meet me in hardware.”
c. Vanishes.

2. In men’s clothing he:

a. Asks your opinion and compliments your taste.
b. Buys a tie he already owns.
c. Bemoans the demise of the leisure suit.

3. In lingerie he:

a. Says you look sexy in an oversized robe.
b. Asks you to model see-through garments too small to identify.
c. Hands you a Wonderbra. … (“Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate?” is continued here.)

(Click here for Bob’s Shopping Take Two: Shopping For An Excuse To Stay Home, and be sure to meander around his fun site.  But don’t forget to come back here, so you can visit my marriage humor collection.)

Technorati Tags: Shopping Humor, Shopping With Your Spouse, Shopping With Your Husband, Men, Women, Gender Differences Humor

Ode To Prosperity
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The affluent prosper quite well,
As their savings continue to swell.
It is great to be rich.
Destitution’s a bitch.
You might say that it’s taxing as hell.

(My money and tax humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Prosperity, Wealth, Affluence, Poverty, Destitution, Satire, Humor, Taxes

“Stop The Chaos!” screeches the magazine cover. “Take Control Of Your Cluttered Life!” Periodicals are packed with chaos-avoidance techniques. But do they work? Let’s see.

1. Awaken early, inspired by self-help articles to finally organize your life. Grab paper scrap and jot down all urgent chores. Admire list, savor it, enhance it with scribbled notes. Spill coffee, rendering list illegible. Then, lest you be tempted to do something that might garner a check mark, file list under “T” for “To Do.” … (How To Disorganize Your Life is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Self-Help, Health Satire, Media, Magazines, Finances,  Humorous How-To

How’s this for a corporate nightmare? Every Segway Personal Transporter ever manufactured has been recalled due to a “software glitch in the scooters that can make riders fall.”

This recall calls out for a limerick, don’t you think? So here’s my Ode To The Segway Scooter:

The maker of scooters called Segway
Has recalled them from road, walk, and hedgeway.
Their software’s quite galling.
It’s prone to cause falling.
Now lawyers have fresh “we allege” prey.

Technorati Tags: Segway scooters, Personal Transporters, Riding Scooters, Scooter Defects, Software Bugs, Product Recalls, Money Limerick, Business Limerick, Product Liability Humor, Lawsuit Humor, Personal Injury, Legal Humor, Computer Humor, Technology Humor, Litigation Humor

THOUGHTFUL INTERVIEW 

For a job applicant, an interview is to be sought, then dreaded, then endured. And managers rarely relish interviews any more than the trembling supplicant on the other side of their desk. So it’s probably just as well that people can’t read minds. If they could, most interviews would be aborted within 45 seconds:

INTERVIEWER: Good morning Mr. Jones. I’m so pleased that we’ve finally had a chance to meet. (This loser’s been clogging my voicemail and email with desperate messages.)

APPLICANT: It’s a pleasure to speak with you. (She’s been dodging my messages for weeks. I’ll never get this job.)

INTERVIEWER: George Smith recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (George is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)

APPLICANT: I’ve known George for years, and he’s very familiar with my work. (George is an idiot — a well-connected idiot. And if he weren’t my wife’s brother, he wouldn’t give me the time of day.)

INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)

APPLICANT: Well, —- I have a highly diversified background — everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One of these days I’ll find something I’m good at.)

INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here — another jack-of-all-trades.) … (My Thoughtful Interview is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Work Humor, Office Humor, Interview Humor, Interpersonal Humor,  Financial Humor, Employment Humor, Unemployment Humor, Business Humor, Money Humor, Workplace Humor

You have to dot those i’s.
You’ve got to cross those t’s.
You have to seem so wise.
You must justify those fees.
And if you’re smart and lucky
You will turn your case around.
That’s what the law’s about.

You have to file those claims.
You’ve got to sue those stiffs.
You have to shift the blame,
With no ands or buts or ifs. …

(That’s What The Law’s About is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Humor, Law Humor, Law Office Humor,  Litigation Humor,  Attorney Humor, Legal Humor, Litigation Humor

Finding a new job can be a daunting challenge. But if you follow my simple 21-step plan, you’ll soon be battling cranky alarm clocks, rush-hour traffic, and the “living for the weekend” daily grind.

1. Lose job.

2. Panic, freak out, and turn into a pulsating blob of hysteria. CAUTION: It’s best to do this at home — you’ll be wanting that reference.

3. Torture everyone you’ve ever met with your tale of woe. Bitch about your former boss, your boss’ boss, your lousy luck, the manipulative coworker who stole your job, the economy, and, of course, the world as we know it. Seriously consider buying a voodoo doll.

4. Perfect the art of sleeping late, parading about in slatternly garb, and doing absolutely nothing. Tell your spouse you spent the entire week working on your resume. When spouse says “Let me have a look,” say you’re still fine-tuning it.

5. Start working on resume. … (Working Stiffed is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Career Humor, Office Humor,   Job Loss Humor, Employment Humor, Unemployment Humor, Job Hunting Humor, Business Humor, Workplace Humor

The road to buying a house is paved with dwindling bank accounts, devious brokers, and home owners who (you hope) are desperate to sell. Yes, it’s a challenge. But with the help of these easy to follow instructions, you can negotiate your way into unthinkable debt:     

1. Decide you must buy a house because your present one is:
a. too small;
b. too large;
c. non-existent … (Hapless Home Buyer’s Guide is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Real Estate, House Buying, Home Buying Humor, Budget Humor, Mortgage Humor, Broker Humor, Bank Humor, Finance Humor, Money Humor