Archive for March, 2009

Does Your Guilt Spring Eternal?

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Guilt Springs Eternal
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Spring has arrived. Do you feel guilty yet? If not, you apparently don’t read women’s magazines. Every March and April they’re packed with “clean up and organize your life” articles. Stories with catchy titles like Spring Into Action — Tidy Up Your House. Or Wash Away Winter Blues. Or Banish Clutter Now; Otherwise We’ll Keep Torturing You With Articles Meant to Make you Feel Like A Slothful Bum. Personally, I’d rather read Why Clean? It Will Only Get Dirty Again Tomorrow.

Why do magazines publish these pieces? Because every spring millions of women have the same Pavlovian response: Guilt. Guilt quickly followed by a spending spree on periodicals and cleaning supplies. They grab every magazine in sight and, in a fit of post-New Year’s resolution fervor, vow to Martha Stewartize their homes.

Do these articles help? Do they unlock the sacred secret of “eat off your basement floor” womanhood? Hahahahahahaha. Pardon me — I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were serious. (Guilt Springs Eternal continues here.)

A Robot Violinist That Plays Better Than Your Kid?

Friday, March 13th, 2009

I’ve heard some bad violinists in my day … especially back when I substitute-taught elementary school music classes. But amazingly enough, this robot violinist (while lousy, of course) is better than your average fifth grade violin student.

In honor of the robot violinist, I’ve written a double limerick:

A Robot Violinist That Plays Better Than Your Kid?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Fanatics may think it’s a sin
For a robot to play violin.
But its tone ain’t as bad
As some students I’ve had.
In a contest with them, it would win.

Yes it’s weak in vibrato and phrasing.
But its rhythm and pitch are amazing.
So you’re robot averse —
I’m still sure you’ve heard worse.
And if not, I shall brace for the hazing.

Ode To Takeout (Song Parody to be sung to My Favorite Things)

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

I’m not much of a cook. Don’t believe me? Just try reading (or singing) my Ode To Takeout song parody, which I wrote for And They Cook, Too: A Blogger Cookbook and fundraiser for Doctors Without Borders.

Ode To Takeout (Sing To My Favorite Things)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Baked meat lasagna and Indian curry.
Sesame noodles. I’m famished! Please hurry!
Buddha’s Delight that is fit for a king.
Takeout is one of my favorite things.

Greek beef moussaka and cheese ravioli.
Brocc’li and eggplant, stir fried with aioli.
Barbecued chicken: Just breasts and some wings.
Takeout is one of my favorite things.

When I’m feeling
Pangs of hunger,
Need fine food to eat,
I thumb through my menus and pick up the phone.
Cause takeout just can’t be beat.

Turkey with stuffing that isn’t too mushy.
Beef yakiniku, but please hold the sushi.
Salad that’s topped with a dressing that zings.
Takeout is one of my favorite things.

Chicken with walnuts and garlic, quite spicy.
Filet mignon. I don’t care that it’s pricey.
Lo mein and dumplings and fried onion rings.
Takeout is one of my favorite things.

When I yearn for
Something tasty
Need good food to eat,
I leaf through my menus and reach for the phone.
Cause takeout just can’t be beat.

(Author’s Note: I live in an ethnic food wonderland — Bayside, Queens, New York — which is why all this and more can be (and often is) delivered to my home.)