Archive for the ‘Limerick Contest’ Category

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLATE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 23, 2022)

Saturday, June 25th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLATE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write CRAFT-themed limericks using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRAFT-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of these Random Words anywhere in your limericks: COMPLAINT CELL FORBID QUIRKY BOIL.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random words and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives into adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 24, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 23, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my PLATE-rhyme limerick:

A slacker was caught as he ate,
By the boss, who was rather irate.
His response, when reproved
For blown deadlines? Unmoved:
“Not my fault! I’ve too much on my plate.”

And here’s my CRAFT-themed limerick:

A ship-wrecked young man on a raft
Felt sev’ral strong wind gusts abaft.
He cursed his bad luck,
His life run amok,
And the death of his rickety craft.

And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:

I’m sick of my cell phone co’s quirks.
Its service employees are jerks.
When I called to complain,
Their response was insane:
“Call again with a cell phone that works.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (497)

Saturday, June 25th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MIKE YOUNG, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My grandchildren gave me a hoe.
How to use it? I just did not know.
So I went to the wall,
Gave my neighbor a call.
The result? A splendiferous show.

Congratulations to GAIL WHITE, who wins the Special TRICK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said a priest when the charges were laid
That he sinned a deal more than he prayed:
“I screw choirboys, yes,
But each night I confess —
It’s one of the tricks of my trade.”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK.

You’ll never know how I miss Pop.
I would sit on his lap and go “plop,”
Till his pacemaker failed.
With his last breath he wailed:
“You’re 30 years old, dammit! Stop!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Gail White, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOW-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One magician, a consummate pro,
Brought the house down. (But where did it go?)
Both his top hat and hare
Vanished into thin air…
And he ended up stealing the show.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOW-RHYME DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

He discredited all former theses
That dealt with the birth of our species.
Darwin managed to show
Evolution is slow.
Other stories are simply bull feces.

Jean McEwen:

The basset hound won best in show,
Although wanting in “get up and go,”
Which had long gone and went.
He got points for his scent.
(Though he stinks, when he sniffs he’s a pro.)

Tim James:

She seduced me (oh boy, what a show)
By removing her clothes nice and slow.
I believed she was drawn
By my good looks and brawn;
Later on I found out she’s a pro.

Terry Marter:

After fun in the back seat with Flo,
He drives back to his flat all aglow.
Then he goes home on Sund’ys
When Mum washes undies…
And prays that the stain doesn’t show.

Mark Totterdell:

Now the deadline’s approaching! Oh no!
I so wanted to give it a go,
But my time’s running out
And I really do doubt
If I’ll have something decent to show.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My husband, “The Great Backwards Abbott”
Has one very curious habit:
In his magic act, he
Will count, “five, four, three,”
Then pull a hat out of a rabbit.

Paul Haebig:

He has a set type, my friend Ben:
He’s always preferred older men.
A silver-haired guy
Puts a gleam in his eye;
Soon he’s up to his old tricks again!

Brian Allgar:

Though the conjurer’s tricks are so neat,
His assistant just can’t make ends meet.
But he’s taught her a lot,
And she really is hot,
So she’s out turning tricks on the street.

Dave Johnson:

The madam has one place to look
And find each appointment she took.
Her ledger has all
Of the clients who call;
She knows ev’ry trick in the book.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A magician revealed an old trick:
“When you’re sawing up ladies, be quick!
If you dawdle when you
Cut assistants in two,
Then one half will be calling in sick.”

Tim James:

What’s a bed trick? You hop into bed
For a roll with your squeeze. But instead,
Someone’s pulled off a switch.
You can’t tell (that’s the hitch.)
You’ve been badly mislaid and misled.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

A failed lawyer lived under a cloud
With a noisy pop-art-loving crowd.
He was caught with a sack,
Stealing shirts (from a rack),
All with colors excessively loud.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Since the walls were so thin in our shack,
I could hear Mom and Pop in the sack.
She’d say loudly, “Go slow!”
Or, “Not there — that’s too low!”
(He must have been scratching her back.)

Tim James:

A beat cop was given the sack
Cause he kept popping out for a snack,
Scarfing doughnuts and pie.
Then he failed to grasp why
In a foot chase he couldn’t do jack.

Dave Johnson:

While hauling a grocery sack,
A loud pop had me taken aback.
That plastic bag’s fail
Made my blood pressure sail;
A lawyer’s about to attack.

Gail White:

My marriage is going off track,
And I can’t get a single dime back
On the settlements signed
When with love I was blind…
So I’m giving my lawyer the sack.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A guy in the sack with his Momma,
After killing his Pop may be drama;
But the tale of Oed Rex
Wasn’t all that complex…
Until Freud turned it into a trauma.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

UPDATE – NEW DEADLINE: JUNE 25 Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SHOW at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 25, 2022)

Saturday, May 28th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SHOW at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TRICKS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TRICKS-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 26, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 25, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SHOW-rhyme limerick:

Though my recall is poor, I don’t mind,
Cuz forgetting can sometimes be kind:
It might “freshen” a show,
Whose plot I should know
From a book that my mem’ry can’t find.

And here’s my TRICKS-themed limerick:

A magician was stressed out and sick.
He needed a remedy — quick:
“I can’t cancel my show!
It’s sold out — ev’ry row.”
A massage and Bordeaux did the trick.

And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:

A lawyer’s been working non-stop
To defend an old fellow — a cop.
But alas, he has failed,
And the cop is now jailed.
Worst of all, that old cop is his pop.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (496)

Saturday, May 28th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick. (It’s a Triple-Duty Limerick: WIRE-Rhyming, WATER-Themed, and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick, which uses each of the five designated Random Words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, and THINK.)

I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the WATER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Terry Marter:

Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her daughter,
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own tush
Past the crowd, to a bush…
But her tush only passed wind and water.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “RANDOM WORD GENERATOR” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.

That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, James Graff, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Steve Dufour, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz,
Bob Turvey, Konrad Schwoerke, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dane Paulsen,
David Friedman, Tony Holmes, Doug Harris, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder: (Water-Themed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)

When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.

Linda A. C. Fuller: (Wire-Rhymed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)

An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught.
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire;
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WIRE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.

James Graff:

If there’s one thing I really admire,
It’s a man who can walk the high wire.
But I’ll watch from below
As he puts on his show…
And pray that he won’t take a flyer.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?

Brian Allgar:

The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”

Tim James:

Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
’Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”

Steve Dufour:

This world is connected by wire.
Information spreads much like a fire.
But some of it’s fake,
So care we must take;
We mustn’t enable a liar.

Mark Totterdell:

A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.

Fred Bortz:

The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.

Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WATER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Bob Turvey:

On my bottle it says “It’s still water.”
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”

Tim James:

There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yes, ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.

Terry Marter:

I was filming bull sharks (and some blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911,
But my ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and then call the news.”

Dane Paulsen:

My golf drive requires a spotter;
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret,
But my golf shoes get wet.
And the wetter I get, well – the hotter.

Lisi Nortman:

We were finally on the right track.
Couldn’t wait to see dear uncle Jack.
Then I screamed, “Bill, look there!
Something says, “Please Beware!
If this sign’s under water, turn back!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR” LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I will cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
Thinking, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”

David Friedman:

I think you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her shoes
(And her miscreant spouse,
The arrogant louse.)
She’s retired; her son’s now the news.

Tony Holmes:

“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant ‘pistol for hire.’
Getting shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”

Konrad Schwoerke:

If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”

Doug Harris:

The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise.

Gail White:

When I noticed a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.

Mark Totterdell:

He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!

Terry Marter:

The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac; hence,
His voice is now two octaves higher.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WIRE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 28, 2022) NOTE: DON’T MISS THE EXTRA, EXPERIMENTAL LIMERICK CHALLENGE!

Saturday, May 14th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WIRE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WATER, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WATER-related limerick.

And if all that isn’t enough, I’m adding an EXTRA, EXPERIMENTAL LIMERICK CHALLENGE TODAY! If it works out well, it may become an occasional, or perhaps even a regular Limerick-Off feature:

I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 29, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 28, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WIRE-rhyme limerick:

This disbursement is urgent. It’s dire!
If it’s late, there’s no quelling the ire
Of a violent man
With a life-or-death plan.
Send it pronto. It’s down to the wire.

Here’s my WATER-themed limerick:

“The first time I jogged wasn’t fun.
I was parched when I’d barely begun;
I’d forgotten to heed
The “must bring water” creed
So, alas, ’twas a dreadful dry run.”

And here is my own RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:

I think that my arrogant boss
Should retire already. No loss
Would be felt by his staff
We would all simply laugh,
Throw a party and roast him with sauce.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (495)

Saturday, May 14th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny three-verse limerick:

A (young) woman who lived in a shoe
Knew perfectly well what to do:
To fulfill her kids’ needs,
She’d resort to misdeeds —
Petty theft; yes, and shoplifting, too.

To ensure that she wouldn’t get caught,
She dissembled far more than she ought;
But she grew so distressed
That, at last, she confessed
To the Chief of Police — who’d have thought?

The old Chief looked her over and said,
“You’re both lovely and clever. Let’s wed!
I’ll forgive your… invention.”
She voiced no dissension…
Now she gets his pension. (He’s dead.)

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special INVENTIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The invention of Alex Graham Bell
Has devolved so that some users dwell
In its internet pit
Of lies, rancor, and shit.
It is called the Ninth Circle of Cell.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Konrad Schwoerke, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Jean McEwen, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Joe Williams. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEEDS or MISDEEDS”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A tennis pro known for misdeeds,
With an ego that fame often breeds,
Disrespected his sport —
Sowed wild oats on the court!
He’s the worst of some really bad seeds.

Linda A. C. Fuller:

The widow reclined in her weeds,
While savoring former misdeeds:
Her husband she’d killed,
His kidneys she’d grilled,
And then served up with sesame seeds.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I look through the lens of my time
And see much we might now call a crime.
Were they really misdeeds
Or just differing creeds?
I don’t know, but I got it to rhyme.

Mark Totterdell:

He’s the shittiest shit in creation,
Quite the worst of a bad generation,
With a nature that leads
To appalling misdeeds,
So he ended up leading the nation.

Lisi Nortman:

A judge performs critical deeds
According to ethical creeds.
He’s the one who sets bail.
He can send you to jail.
And he asks lots of “how do you pleads?”

Jean McEwen:

I have found that committing misdeeds,
When done artfully, often succeeds.
Those who mindlessly swallow
Rules other folks follow
Just forfeit, alas, their own needs.

Randy Wagner:

The conjugal date that Will made
For last night had been badly misplayed.
As the darkness recedes,
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on the maid he’d mislaid.

Brian Allgar:

“We’re imposing a no shilly-shally ban,”
Says America’s own home-grown Taliban.
On this vilest of deeds,
The signature reads
“S. Alito,” as monstrous as Caliban.

Tim James:

A real estate fraudster named Leeds
Said, “The greed of my marks suits my needs.
I sold five diff’rent ducks
Tampa swampland, the schmucks!”
Here endeth this tale of fowl deeds.

Tony Holmes:

“On the whole, I am really quite nice.
And am almost a stranger to vice.
Not for me the misdeeds
That true naughtiness breeds.
Just a bit, now and then, to add spice.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVENTIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died; he deserves our respect,
Cuz he taught us to spell
And he did it so well:
The funnel’s at ate. I have chekked.

Sharon Neeman:

My invention, I’m told, is quite keen:
It bumps pols who are thuggish and mean.
But it knows how to spare
Those with hearts, who do care —
It’s a “Vote Democratic!” machine.

Fred Bortz:

The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor believed he was cursed.
All his high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.

Randy Wagner:

Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“Allow me to play, if I may,
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)

Tim James:

Said a man to be judged by St. Pete:
“Let me pass through these gates, I entreat.
I belong here, it’s clear;
I invented light beer!”
He got sent to The Bad Place, tout de suite.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

She said, “Edison, turn on a light.”
She asked Orville, “You fancy a flight?”
It’s that very same Muse
Some inventors abuse,
Who told Franklin to “Go fly a kite.”

Joe Williams:

I wonder what kind of inventor
Was first to invent a placenta,
And which did decide
It is best when it’s fried,
With a side of delicious polenta.

Konrad Schwoerke:

It was me who invented sham pain.
As an addict, I’d always complain
To the docs in the hope
They’d prescribe me some dope.
I’m just kidding, my drug was cocaine.

Lisi Nortman:

The greatest invention’s a chip,
So I pack some for ev-er-y trip.
The wheel was okay
In many a way.
But it doesn’t pair well with a dip.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The wheel is a wondrous invention,
But the barrel’s my choice for ascension.
There’s its round, bulbous shape,
And a bottom to scrape,
Plus it’s fun due to monkey retention.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DEEDS or MISDEEDS) at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 14, 2022)

Saturday, April 30th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DEEDS or MISDEEDS at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INVENTIONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INVENTION-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 15, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 14, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my DEEDS or MISDEEDS-rhyme limerick:

A bomber (uncaught) is aghast:
He’d been certain his freedom would last.
But some fresh cold-case leads
To his evil misdeeds
Mean a trial for a blast from the past.

And here’s my INVENTIONS-themed limerick:

When informed his design was unsound,
An inventor’s distress was profound:
“The unfairness is blatant!
Their bias is patent!
My grinder has broken new ground!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (494)

Saturday, April 30th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Sighed a cannibal, “This one’s a waste,”
And gave up on the quarry he’d chased.
He could see that the chump
In a tee that read, “Trump,”
Was a guy clearly lacking in taste.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Special COMMUNICATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A dyslexic old man from Manhattan
Read the Bible in English and Latin
Then glanced at his bed
With a heart full of dread
For he knew he could not reject satin.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mark Totterdell, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Konrad Schwoerke, Trevor Alexander, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WASTE or WAIST”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Mark Totterdell:

My brownies with anchovy paste
Had such an unspeakable taste
That the special big bin
That they ended up in
Had a sign saying ‘hazardous waste.’

Tony Holmes:

Mum and dad: neither one was strait-laced,
So their courtship, in short, was fast-paced.
The result of one spree,
Nine months later, was me,
Thus, the padre had no time to waste.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

After birthing her young, my friend, Kate,
Soon complained she had gained “baby weight.”
So I sized up her waist,
Then ignoring good taste,
I asked how many babies she ate.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Donald Trump is so clearly deplorable.
His depravity’s hardly ignorable.
He’s naught but a waste
Who ought be disgraced—
That sick schmuck thinks all women are whorable!

Trevor Alexander:

When I saw him, he stared poker-faced,
Putting trash in “recycling waste.”
I told him it’s wrong,
That it doesn’t belong.
But he just scurried past me post-haste.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COMMUNICATION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

My vet’s recent message (in text)
Said your pig is not well, – he’s quite vexed.
Since his favorite sow
Became barbecue chow
He’s disgruntled, and thinks that he’s next.

Lisi Nortman:

Grandpa Joe said, “I’ll never forget ’er.
In this world, there was nobody better.”
He kept her perfume,
(Which stinks up the room)
And some thingamabob called a letter.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I keep wondering why my pet gerbil
Never utters so much as burble.
Once, I urged him to speak,
But he used the word “squeak’”
As a noun, so perhaps he’s nonverbal.

Tim James:

She’d no interest in sating his lust
But her efforts to tell him went bust.
Then she hit on a way
Her disgust to convey:
With but one single finger, upthrust.

Rudy Landesman:

Mother scolded him hundreds of times
For speaking to her in just rhymes.
They had a big fight,
But he knew she was right;
And now that young man only mimes.

Terry Marter:

An aging relationship theorist
Was dying, so summoned his Dearest:
“To you, my dear Bill
Here’s ‘the lot’ in my will,
So prepare to be sued by my Nearest.”

Lisi Nortman:

Took a walk with my dog and my cat.
My cat said, “Hey let’s chew the fat.”
I asked my dog, Zeek,
“Did you know cats could speak?”
He said, “Yes, we’ve had many a chat.”

Tony Holmes:

‘You’ve been chosen!’ the letter assured,
‘One of only a few.’ Was I lured?
I’d been chosen before,
Many times, and I swore,
“You’re not getting me this time, I’m cured.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WASTE or WAIST at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 30, 2022)

Saturday, April 16th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WASTE or WAIST at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to COMMUNICATION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best COMMUNICATION-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 1, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 30, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WASTE or WAIST-rhyme limerick:

Said a fellow, “Alas and alack,
My new pants are too tight in the back
And the front of the waist.
(They were ordered in haste.)
I need someone to cut me some slack.”

And here’s my COMMUNICATION-themed limerick:

Dear hubby, you’re right in the kitchen,
And I’m elsewhere, so though you are itchin’
To share rumors or views,
A complaint or the blues,
I can NOT hear your news, schmooze, or bitchin’.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (493)

Saturday, April 16th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

After viewing the faces of those
God created, authorities chose,
Not the Cyclops, but Man,
To reflect the Grand Plan.
And the eyes did outnumber the nose.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Special SECURITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled, “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot,
But then let my cats do the rest.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Randolph Wagner, Tony Holmes, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOSE or KNOWS or NOES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SECURITY LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

Putting lips near my ear with such surety,
She mind-read my thoughts of impurity:
“Forget all your prose;
I got nothin’ but Noes,
So zip it, or I’ll call Security.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOSE or KNOWS or NOES”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Randolph Wagner:

A harlot removed all her clothes
And remarked, “Fella, here’s how it goes:
Let my breasts, butt, and thighs
Be a feast for your eyes,
But one touch and you’ll pay through the nose.”

Tony Holmes:

“Yes, your conk is patrician. It shows
You have breeding: it’s more than a nose.
From your soles to your head,
You’re a true thoroughbred.
And another sure sign is six toes.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The body’s a palace of woes:
Some think that the pit of the toes
Is the messiest spot,
But I think it’s snot
And must, in all truth, pick the nose.

Doug Harris:

Pinocchio’s (honestly) grows,
And Rudolph’s consistently glows.
While Jimmy Durante
In width upped the ante,
Cyrano de Bergerac knows.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve a theory I wish to propose,
As did Stein with “a rose is a rose”:
A snout and a sniffer
And whiffer may differ,
But a nose is a nose is a nose.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Folks like Trump are America’s foes.
These damned know-nothings cause us great woes,
With their vicious opinions
And vacuous minions.
I’d rather be led by the “knows.”

Tim James:

My limerick muse comes and goes.
How to keep her around, no one knows.
When she goes on the lam,
I can’t rhyme worth a damn.
I should think about sticking to prose.

Fred Bortz, for his two-verse “If Larry David wrote a certain 1960s situation comedy”:

Samantha would wiggle her nose
Whenever she needed new clothes.
But most times that she twitched
On the sitcom Bewitched,
New troubles for Darrin arose.

She was taught by her mother, Endora,
Who learned from her mother before her
How to raise Holy Hell
By casting a spell
With the Yiddish phrase, “Oy! Keinehora!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SECURITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

Though I type at a reas’nable pace,
And slow-ly-put password in place,
The computer says “No.”
But I’m RIGHT! (I checked “Show.”)
But apparently, that’s not the CASE!

David Friedman:

The locks that Lynn keeps all about
Would keep her secure, there’s no doubt.
“They don’t,” giggles Lynn,
“Stop men getting in;
I use them so men can’t get out!”

Sharon Neeman:

My mother was terribly strict,
Locked me in when I dared contradict –
Till a crook down the block
Gave poor Mom such a shock,
When he proved that my “lock” could be picked.

Lisi Nortman:

In our neighborhood, there have been four
Sneaky break-ins, and ev’ryone’s sore.
But calm we remain,
Cuz our kids and Great Dane
Throw Legos all over the floor.

Fred Bortz:

He invested his savings in stock,
And now he is deeply in hock.
Our language is funny
When speaking of money.
Securities? What a huge crock!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A man who owned gold and would hide it
(always fearful that others had spied it),
Dug a hole six feet deep,
Where his treasure would keep.
In the end he was buried beside it.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NOSE or KNOWS or NOES at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 16, 2022)

Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NOSE or KNOWS or NOES at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SECURITY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SECURITY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 17, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 16, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my NOSE or KNOWS or NOES-rhyme limerick:

A fellow named Joe often goes
To ENT docs — nasal pros.
Those rhinologists charge
Pricey fees; bills so large
That poor Joe’s forced to pay through the nose.

And here’s my SECURITY-themed limerick:

Though the homebuilder does know the score,
His computer security’s poor.
So to no one’s surprise,
He’s been hacked. You’ll surmise:
Someone readily found the back door.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (492)

Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

‘Time heals every wound?’ That’s unreal!
Quite the opposite’s more how I feel.
As I limp down life’s highways
And hobble down byways,
It’s more like ‘time wounds every heel.’

Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special FLIGHT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A strange silhouette in the sky;
A rustling of wings from on high.
Not angels divine,
But migrating swine –
Those pigs finally learned how to fly!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bruce Meyer, Linda Fuller, Gennadiy Gurariy, Terry Marter, Tim James, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, David Friedman, Tony Holmes, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEEL or HEAL”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Horrid Hank’s a contemptible heel,
Unlike Shane, who’s a hapless Shlemiel.
So when Hank, as a prank,
On a lark, robs a bank,
He gets Shane to take blame for the steal.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Short commands to her “pit” keep things real,
When that bell on her porch starts to peal.
For the cops, she says, “Sit” —
For the repo man, “Shit!”
When her ex comes around she yells, “Heel!”

Bruce Meyer:

I wait for my Limerick muse,
And suspect he is hitting the booze.
I do think that he’ll
Ignore my appeal,
So I’ll enter, expecting to lose.

Linda A. C. Fuller:

Jill’s husband had lost his appeal
When he started to gamble and steal.
Jack, barely five seven;
Jill, five foot eleven
Began to look down at the heel.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

My dog didn’t see the appeal
Of trying to learn how to heel.
But soon he got over
His fears and now Rover
Shows off his stilettos with zeal.

Terry Marter:

If you’ve one leg, and hunt, danger’s real.
Here’s a safety idea with appeal:
To avoid your own end
Take a very slow friend
For when wild bears are hot on your heel.

Tim James:

He’s a “hanging judge,” many folks feel,
And a bit of a punitive heel.
He’ll convict in a blink
And you’ll land in the clink.
It’s summed up in his name: Noah Peale.

Byron Miller:

Though that boy toy at Troy had appeal,
Knocking him to his knees? No big deal.
He was easy to rankle
Once pierced through the ankle,
Thus bringing Achilles to heel.

Tim James:

His efforts to bed fierce Lucille
Came to naught ’cause he’d been too genteel.
So he tried “Let’s drop trou
And get busy right now!”
It took him a long time to heal.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My young doc spouted med terms with zeal;
He used words like contuse and congeal.
I said, “Icky” and “Ew”
(Only jargon I knew),
Till he finally said, “It’ll heal.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FLIGHT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Look up there, in the sky! Oh my word!
It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” he averred.
“No, wait! By its shape
And the long, flowing cape,
It’s Super— oh gross. It’s a bird.”

Fred Bortz:

There was an inventor named Knight
Who studied the science of flight.
He thought he’d be first,
But his efforts were cursed.
His designs never turned out quite Wright.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve a friend who likes putting on airs.
He exaggerates, too; no one cares.
When he called me last night
With “I’m booking a flight!”
I was sure he was walking up stairs.

Jean McEwen:

The next time you fly on a plane,
Prepare – you may have to restrain
Some rude jerk in a rage
Who belongs in a cage.
(And maybe, next time, take the train.)

Lisi Nortman:

“Hey John, give me one glass of rye.
In fact, I’ll have three. Wond’ring why?
I’m taking a plane,
Won’t be feeling no pain.
I’ll be flying the same time I fly.”

David Friedman:

On a flight to the south, I once sighted
A bird in a seat quite delighted.
He said, “I could fly
With my own wings, but I
Prefer the rewards from United.”

Tony Holmes:

In society, farting is rude,
As is frolicking, dressed in the nude.
Is society right
To inhibit the flight
Of your fancy, and label you crude?

Tim James, for his limerick summary of the movie Psycho:

A woman stole cash and took flight;
Then she got a motel room that night.
In the bath she got iced
(That’s to say, sliced and diced)
By a fellow whose head wasn’t right.

Rudy Landesman:

A glutton for gluten he’d been;
The way he ate cake was a sin.
Lots of pasta and bread,
And now he is dead.
A small flight of beer did him in.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

Shrieked the copilot, “Left! Hurry! Swing it!
There’s a building and we’re gonna ding it!
Don’t you know how to fly!?”
Quipped the pilot, “I’ll try,
But don’t worry, I know how to wing it.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: HEEL or HEAL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 2, 2022)

Saturday, March 19th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using HEEL or HEAL at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FLIGHT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FLIGHT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 3, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 2, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my HEEL or HEAL-rhyme limerick:

Playing poker, Neil felt like a heel.
But he gambled with passionate zeal,
Using cash that was meant
For rent — ev’ry cent.
So his win was a very big deal.

And here’s my FLIGHT-themed limerick:

Our beagle’d chase felines with glee.
The game? Trap or make the cat flee.
But one day, Duke stood guard
For hours in our yard;
Seems our dog had barked up the wrong tree.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (491)

Saturday, March 19th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

There once was a stressed sieve named Shane
Who cried, “People drive me insane!
They’ll scream and they’ll shout
If some food should drip out,
And I just cannot handle the strain!”

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special LINES-Themed Limerick Award for his funny “Romeo and Juliet” limerick:

Each thought that the other was hot,
Shared a love which their kinsfolk did not,
So got secretly wed,
Then got laid and got dead,
And right there, in five lines, is the plot.

Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Paul Haebig:

There once was a lim’rick unfinished.
Its impact was greatly diminished.
It made people whine:
“There’s no closing line!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

No way does your wordplay diminish
My int’rest for lack of a finish.
Your plot lines commence
To build up suspense
(Though your Fifth Act’s a little bit thinnish.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda Fuller, Dane Paulsen, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LINE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Linda Fuller:

An actress who dressed to the nines,
Was obsessed with her facial age signs:
“Though an awful brain drain
And a terrible strain,
I ALWAYS remember my lines.”

Dane Paulsen:

My golf swing’s a thing to behold.
I follow the line, like I’m told.
But here is my bane;
Each swing is a strain.
They explain that I’m just getting old.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STRAIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

Hey Gene, please don’t mind me for asking,
As in posthumous fame you’re now basking.
So, was dancing a strain
When you sang in the rain,
Or, simply, routine multitasking?

Jean McEwen:

He fooled everyone, taking the prize
For glibness – maintaining the guise.
But he died from the strain
Of legerdemain–
Keeping track of those countless white lies.

Terry Marter:

She runs nude on the beach – such eye-candy;
Just the sight of her makes me feel randy.
I’m face-down but it’s plain
That I’m feeling the strain;
Getting sore, raw and painfully sandy.

Paul Haebig:

I’m really not one to complain
But lately I’m under such strain,
That for better or worse
To fashion a verse
Is too much for my poor, tired brain.

Doug Harris:

There once was a fellow named Wayne,
Whose guts often used to complain,
Till he found that hydration
Reduced constipation;
Now ablutions are less of a strain!

Lisi Nortman:

I wake up, 1,2,3, in a snap.
I’m an active and sprightly ol’ chap.
But I don’t want to strain
My tireless brain.
After rousing, I take a nice nap.

Sharon Neeman:

Half the morning I sweat and I strain
Making borscht in support of Ukraine;
Then my cat (who’s no fool),
Just as soon as it’s cool,
Eats it out of the pot. What a pain!

Tim James:

Ev’ry week, as I struggle and strain
To write lim’ricks for Madeleine Kane,
My subconscious says, “Son,
This takes wit and you’ve none.
Write Hallmark verse. Stay in your lane.”

Rudy Landesman:

Mrs. Robinson’s daughter Elaine
Was subjected to unheard of strain,
When her mother, one day,
Had her lecherous way
With Elaine’s very innocent swain.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LINES-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Civic Theater auditions went fine;
I was told that the lead would be mine.
But on opening night —
With my fame at its height —
The one word I could utter was “Line!”

Terry Marter:

While sailing and writing some prose,
He fell overboard – head over toes.
He yelled “I’ll be fine.
Someone throw me a line.”
All he got was “My dog has no nose…”

Jean McEwen:

At the TSA screening, the queue
Snakes for miles, so to quickly pass through,
Say you’ve broken a leg.
Without having to beg,
You’ll get quickly rolled through by the crew!

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My old Osteopath, Dr. Spec,
Ought to keep his opinions in check.
When on visits I whine
That my spine’s out of line,
In my file he writes, “Pain in the neck.”

Lisi Nortman:

The Parallels feel incomplete.
He is low, and she’s high on the sheet.
They long to be “one,”
But they’re not havin’ fun.
It’s a shame that they never will meet.

Sharon Neeman:

I’ve struggled two years to displace
50 pounds — and I’ve done it with grace!
I’m three sizes down —
But I still have to frown
When I see the new lines in my face.

Dave Johnson:

They met while in line at the store
And reflexively opted for more.
An evening spent;
Here’s a clue how it went:
Alexa was starting to snore.

Brian Allgar:

Their teacher said “One hundred lines
For making impertinent signs!”
“But Sir,” they complain,
“That’s a lot of cocaine,
And our dealers are all greedy swines.”

David Friedman:

There once was a lady named Mad
Who received many limericks bad —
With terrible rhymes
And then there were times
Where you just couldn’t believe how many extra syllables some of the final lines had!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: STRAIN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 19, 2022 )

Saturday, March 5th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using STRAIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LINES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LINES-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 20, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 19, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my STRAIN-rhyme limerick:

Friends were hoping to fly to Port Blair
To visit some relatives there.
But the new Covid strain
Has them worried again,
So their plans are all up in the air.

And here’s my LINES-themed limerick:

Here’s something that makes me see red:
A rest’rant with only one head.
Long lines for the john
While we’re eating? Come on!
I’m fed up! We’ll dine elsewhere instead.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (490)

Saturday, March 5th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

What a beautiful voice, but egad!
She’s so dull that it makes me feel sad.
When she endlessly drones
In those sweet dulcet tones
It’s like “Dancing Queen” played on a Strad.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special REJECTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

When big Jack said “Let’s Wed” I said “Yup.”
We agreed to forego the prenup.
I should’ve knocked back
Those advances from Jack
But I didn’t, and now I’m knocked up.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DRONES”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Linda A. C. Fuller:

A speaker who mumbles and drones
Will be greeted with hisses and moans
From an audience mainly
Comprised of ungainly
Glass housers who shouldn’t throw stones.

Terry Marter:

The night-show of bright swarming drones
Was wiped out by a storm, amid groans.
Parents cursed ‘Fuck you God’
On their wet homeward plod
While their kids looked up ‘Fuck’ on their phones.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Some people still say they don’t care
About noises that buzz in the air
From those ear-splitting drones
Which rattle my bones.
It’s more peaceful to sleep at O’Hare.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Which is worse — a new suitor who drones
On and on about stuff that he owns,
Or an old one who drums
With his thumbs while he hums
Strange renditions of hits by The Stones?

Tim James:

Tom the deviant currently owns
High-def vid cams that fly on his drones.
He was peeping at Dawn
Till her brother caught on.
Tom’s now sporting a few broken bones.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve heard buzz that some honey bee drones
Can have trysts (even though they lack bones.)
Should a queen bee fly by,
They will take to the sky
In pursuit of erogenous zones.

Mark Totterdell:

If the sounds of loud squeals, honks and groans
And unmusical wavering drones
Aren’t appealing to you,
Then the best thing to do
Is to not buy your children trombones.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (REJECTION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Rejected from Harvard? But why?
I’m such an intelligent guy!
I’ve read poems and prose,
Like “The Sun Also Rose”
And my fav’rite was “Pitcher On Rye.”

Fred Bortz:

Dear Author, Your work I decline,
Though I love every nuance and line.
It’s sexy and funny,
And we pay good money,
But not for our readers, age nine.

Rudy Landesman:

I thought we were great, when in bed.
I loved her and wanted to wed.
Now I can’t understand;
When I asked for her hand,
She gave me the finger instead.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

No one laughed at my yarns at my school.
They rejected my puns, as a rule.
So to cover my hurt
I embroidered a shirt
With big letters that read, “This Is Crewel!”

Bob Turvey:

Said his doc to a fellow called Hewish,
“Your heart’s effed – and that’s why you’re bluish.
But this pig heart is new;
I can give it to you.”
“I’ll reject it,” said Hewish. “I’m Jewish.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A young student done-in by pre med,
Thought he’d ace aeronautics instead.
He said, “I’ll make my bones
By mastering drones!”
But the subject was over his head.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DRONES at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 5, 2022)

Saturday, February 19th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DRONES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REJECTION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REJECTION-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 6, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 5, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my DRONES-rhyme limerick:

The anatomy prof provokes groans;
He tells anecdotes (endless) and drones.
Students stare at the clock,
Read their email, and mock
Him for tales that are never bare bones.

And here’s my REJECTION-themed limerick:

A man had a bee in his bonnet
About writing a humorous sonnet.
No one cared for his style,
So he built a flop-pile
Of rejections and plopped down upon it.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (489)

Saturday, February 19th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When the mountain folk first grew aware,
That their “Bigfoot” had grown too much hair,
A young barber, quite brave,
Offered Yeti a shave,
But backed off when he heard him yell, “Ne’er!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHORTAGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

There’s a shortage that threatens the gains
That we’ve made against SARS viral strains.
With the number of hacks
Spewing stuff anti-vax,
What we lack most acutely is brains.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tim James, Bob Turvey, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Brian Allgar, and Steven Frakt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHORTAGES LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman:

He bragged, “You will note when I’m bare,
My member’s enormous and rare.”
I searched high and low,
With continual woe,
And was finally forced to ask, “Where?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sondra Landin:

On the subway, it’s Watch Out, Beware!
At the airport, it’s Welcome, Take Care!
On the street, speeding bikes,
Falling metal, small tykes;
Am I safe, sitting home in my chair?

Tim James:

Try our new paper casual wear!
It’s quite cheap and has no need for care.
When your clothing you doff,
You can rip it right off.
The name of the line: Wear and Tear.

Bob Turvey:

Said a doctor, “If patients are bare,
Baggy pants are the best thing to wear.
A member that’s turgid
Is in folds of serge hid;
Which avoids that embarrassing glare.”

Mark Totterdell:

A fur coat is a thing to forswear,
It’s a garment you never should wear,
So get out of that habit
Unless you’re a rabbit,
Fox, beaver, wolf, squirrel or bear.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had DNA tested for kicks,
So my “roots” I might firmly affix.
To a lab I sent hair
From a sweater I wear.
The results that came back? “Poodle mix.”

Terry Marter:

On Valentine’s Day, – not a care!
Love’s journey will end who-knows-where.
How the years quickly pass!
But we still raise a glass,
Then we both fall asleep in our chair.

Lisi Nortman:

Inscribed on the Smith’s welcome mat:
“Our puppy is truly a brat.
So guests, please beware
And enter with care.
While you’re at it, watch out for the cat.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHORTAGES-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

With the shortage of loo-rolls complete,
Many folks can no longer excrete.
But, thankfully, I
Have a massive supply –
With a picture of Trump on each sheet.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I’ve yet to spot one man for me
Because it’s important that he
Has a house and a job,
And must not be a slob.
For those assets, I’d have to find three.

Steve Frakt:

Oh where are those wonderful elves
To help when we can’t help ourselves?
Wish they’d go to the store
And wait ’til there’s more
Toilet paper, on now empty shelves.

Bob Turvey:

Said a sex-mad young fellow called Benny,
“There’s no shortage of girls – there are many.
They have beautiful thighs
And “come-hither” eyes –
But the fact is – I AIN’T GETTING ANY!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: February 19, 2022)

Saturday, February 5th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SHORTAGES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SHORTAGE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 20, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 19, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE-rhyme limerick, which happens to be an ACROSTIC Limerick:

Sometimes gals have a “je ne sais quoi.”
Their “look” is the flip-side of blah.
You’ll be tempted to stare.
Leering’s bad, though. Beware!
Eschew cheering. “Hurrah?” How bourgeois!

And here’s my SHORTAGE-themed limerick:

I went shopping for something to eat.
With chicken and fish they’re replete.
They have plenty of peas,
And all manner of cheese,
But they really should beef up their meat.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (488)

Saturday, February 5th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A mathematician cried “Blast!
The age that I’ve reached now is vast.
I’ve lived through such time
That I’m well past my prime.
Eighty-nine is the prime that I’m past!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ACCUSATIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I pressed the “Dissatisfied” button
And signed it as “Unhappy glutton.”
“What you sold me’s a scam;
Though it’s labelled ‘Spring Lamb,’
From the taste, it is elderly mutton.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Quarante Quelque Chose, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Wildman, Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRIME”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Since her wisecracks and punchlines were glib,
Eve could poke with a joke (or ad-lib.)
And any old time,
The target most prime
Would be Adam — so easy to rib.

Tim James:

The dish she was planning was prime:
Grade-A beef, marinated in lime,
Parsley, rosemary, sage.
Then it needed to age.
But it failed, ’cause she ran out of thyme.

Byron Miller:

Europeans once found it hysterical
When science said Earth may be spherical.
Ancient Greeks in their prime
Had known this for some time,
Though Columbus would call it Americal.

Lisi Nortman:

I’m the only man here; it’s sublime.
And at 90, I’m still in my prime.
The “Ladies of Gray”
Just can’t stay away.
I keep begging them, “One at a Time!”

Sondra Landin:

I admit that I’m way past my prime;
For that, I blame nothing but time.
My wits are still keen
And I do vent my spleen –
Why the hell can’t I write a great rhyme?

Quarante Quelque Chose:

A primate called Kate turned to crime
With pickpocket skills used part-time.
She spent all her gains
On nuts and plantains…
And now stars in a movie on Prime.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

“Our lives,” spoke the sevens, “are fun,
For nobody under the sun
Has committed the crime
Of dividing a prime,
Unless, of course, you are The One!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ACCUSATIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

I confronted him, flushed and irate,
And accused him of bedding my mate.
He said, “That’s a damned lie;
I’m an ethical guy!
Besides… she just isn’t that great.”

Jean McEwen:

When he asks where I’ve been, I reply,
“Why, at church!” He then counters, “You lie!”
Could it be that my cover
For trysts with my lover
Is failing ’cause hubby’s a spy?

Lisi Nortman:

The perception that “hubby” imparts
Is false. (I’m the one with the smarts.)
He blames our Maltese
For cutting the cheese.
Yet he’s the one blowing the farts.

Dave Johnson:

The passenger wouldn’t refrain:
His anti-mask rants were profane.
So back to the gates
Where the F.B.I. waits;
For actions he’ll have to ex-plane.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I was meaning to look up “J’accuse,”
When instead I succumbed to a snooze.
But from all I can glean
As to what it might mean,
It’s a French word for “Trump’s in the news.”

Wildman:

It appeared on my arm in a flash
And my bold accusation was brash.
“Poison oak from your yard
Has me scratching and scarred!”
Neighbor Ned claimed my judgment was rash.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

Whenever I’m blamed or accused,
It truthfully leaves me confused.
My conscience is clean
In fact, it’s pristine-
The damn thing has never been used.

Rudy Landesman:

He goosed her when nobody looked.
She complained, and he duly was booked.
He now stews in jail
And tells his sad tale:
“Had some fun, but my goose now is cooked.”

Terry Marter

The defendant, all battered and bruised,
Denies crimes of which he’s been accused.
Now he’s caught and in court,
Claiming street fights are sport,
Cuz the crowd (placing bets) were amused.

Rudy Landesman:

The hick was grammatically crude.
He was also possessive, that dude.
She, a true New York native,
Didn’t want to be dative.
She was in accusative mood.

Steve Benko:

Said Donald, “I can’t stand rejection,
So I claim that they stole the election.
But I’m still loved by Putin,
And soon, sure as shootin’,
In Moscow I’ll have an erection.”

Dave Johnson:

“I know what you’re up to” she said,
The moment he crawled into bed.
“Those things on your phone
When you think you’re alone
Wind up in my archive instead.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!