Posts Tagged ‘Jean McEwen’

Limerick-Off Award (299)

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:

“Though we used to be cannibals – vile!
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”

Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:

As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”

Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
Surely I won’t be sad,
’Cause my next wives are certain to rock.”

Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
His deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
He’s not really to blame;
He inherited Donald’s IQ.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

Raising children is often a trial,
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while;
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file.

Sharon Neeman:

A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.

Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a GIF
And the heels as a video file.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Philanderer Phineas Phial
Is a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog is training,
He’s never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”

Bob Dvorak:

I write limericks once in a while,
Trying hard to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.

Byron Miller:

When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.

Tim James:

He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.

Steve Whitred:

There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while;
They all scan pretty well,
But they’re blander than hell.
So they’re tossed in the circular file.

Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:

Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the dental technician
And rules of nutrition!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!

Dave Johnson:

Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.

Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…

Lisi Nortman:

My toddler’s extremely cute,
And we’ve never had any dispute,
But she talks a blue streak,
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says “mute.”

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But our Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)

Brian Allgar:

“This parenting sometimes can vex,”
She complained, “when you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I have to say, Oedipus wrecks.”

Dave Johnson:

With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.

Tony Holmes:

Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
’Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.

Tim James:

My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (297)

Saturday, May 12th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It isn’t an absence of will
That makes pelicans gorge till they’re ill:
They acquired great fame
In the fish-catching game,
And they have to keep filling the bill.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BEAUTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Oh, those contests! The Donald would feast
With his lecherous hands (at the least)
On each startled young cutie;
Each barely-clad beauty
Was grabbed by a waddling beast.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Armchair Poet, Jean McEwen, Val Fish, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, and Stephen Fleming. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BILL” RHYME DIVISION)

Ira Bloom:

“Do these jeans make my butt look big, Bill?”
Asked the wife, in a voice that was shrill.
“Not at all,” he replied,
In a tone that was snide,
“But you might want to lay off the krill.”

Armchair Poet:

On 5th Ave, with a gun, he could kill.
And his base would blame Hillary, still.
Trump’s affairs and assaults,
They just call minor faults.
Something MUCH worse was done first by Bill.

Jean McEwen:

Someone snorted cocaine for a thrill,
And left snot on this ten dollar bill.
I’m imploring you, honey,
Please launder the money.
Scrub it well, ’cause I’m feeling quite ill.

Val Fish:

The cigar trick had proved a great thrill.
It was all going well up until
He came on her dress,
A warm sticky mess,
But she saved on the dry cleaning bill.

Patrice Stewart:

Yvonne went prepared for it all:
Whip, stilettos, red lips, six feet tall.
Clients gasped at her skill,
Meekly paying the bill
On those evenings when she was on call.

Tim James:

For decades, O’Reilly’s big thrill
Was harassing the ladies, until
Fox figured it out.
Then they booted the lout.
’Twas one hell of an overdue Bill.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEAUTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

I’m wondering just what they think —
Those people who preen, primp and prink,
Who make it their duty
To spend cash on beauty,
Ignoring the fact that they stink.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Donald, “That girl was a beaut!
A Russian musician, so cute.
Though she played the viola,
Some good ol’ payola
Soon taught her to blow on my flute.”

Lisi Nortman:

Ms. Senior America’s soon,
And I want all the judges to swoon.
The winner will be
(And all must agree)
The gal who looks least like a prune.

Dave Johnson:

Her beauty is known far and wide;
So many have been by her side.
Majestic and tall,
She has welcomed them all;
Our symbol of national pride.

Armchair Poet:

A girl who starts out as a cutie,
And yearns to become a great beauty,
Must read Glamour and Elle,
Vogue and Harper’s as well;
A chore, but it’s really her duty.

Stephen B. Fleming:

Letitia, the loveliest lass,
Has a glorious bosom and ass.
Either coming or going,
Her best side is showing.
Take a gander; it’s truly first-class.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (296)

Saturday, April 28th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I research old age and disease,
But it’s grim, so I joke and I tease.
My new study’s complex;
It involves lots of sex-
Agenarian interviewees.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special EGO-Themed Limerick Award for this clever ACROSTIC limerick:

There’s nobody smarter than me;
Renowned as no other can be.
Unlike all the rest,
My brain is the best;
Perfection, you’ll have to agree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Bob Dvorak, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Mar-a-Lago: surrounded by tees,
The hooker was down on her knees.
But she laughed when he stood
And presented his “wood” –
It was roughly the size of a bee’s.

Sharon Neeman:

Spring means ditching our sweaters for tees,
Showing ankles and calves — perhaps knees —
And, alone in the grass
With a lad or a lass,
Joining in with the birds and the bees.

Jean McEwen:

At the beauty salon, I said “Please:
I need highlights, a trim, and a tease.”
Now, my hair’s full of mats,
Like a nest full of rats.
On my head there’s a hive full of bees!

Tony Holmes:

When Black Widow Nellie’s in heat
Every male on her menu is sweet.
She will put them at ease,
With some tickle and tease,
Then it’s consummate nuptials – and eat.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Please enjoy our assorted fine teas.
Domestic? Perhaps Cantonese?
We’ve added some weed
To assure that, indeed,
You’ll come back and request a reprise.

Bob Dvorak:

My son, in his 2’s, pushing 3’s,
Begs me, “Daddy, please help me out, please!
“It’s the AY-BEE-CEE song
“That’s just awfully long!
“I can never get past AR-ESS-TEEs!”

Brenda Bryant:

I am prone to forgetting my keys,
Or they fall down the back of settees.
It is rather a bore
When I can’t lock the door,
But the burglars can get in with ease.

Fred Bortz:

He orders, “Get down on your knees,
And prove that you know how to please
With your full, ruby lips.
Then let’s finish with whips.”
Oh, that Marquis de Sade’s such a tease!

Dave Johnson:

The dancers – all handsome and thrilling,
Have clients so happy and willing.
With ladies to please
They are more than a tease;
Their job is both hard and fulfilling.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EGO LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who calls his limerick “In-augur-ation Day”:

He dismisses the experts (statistical),
And relies on his sycophants (mystical),
Whose tally (“Oh, Mama!
You’ve doubled Obama.”)
Feeds into his needs (egoistical).

Sharon Neeman:

When he says “I’m the best! Did you ever
Know anyone my kind of clever?”
I won’t spew, gag, or fart;
With my hand on my heart,
I’ll say “No, Mr. President. Never.”

Jean McEwen:

I suspect that the famed Sigmund Freud
Would with me be profoundly annoyed.
My id has gone wild.
My virtue, defiled.
My ego? It’s underemployed.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In Paris, the Hilton’s elite,
But the girl with that name ain’t so sweet.
She thinks that she’s great,
Just really first-rate;
She even will kiss her own feet.

Tim James:

If it’s brains that you want, I’m the best;
And my wit far outshines all the rest.
But you’ll soon come to see
What’s the best about me:
I’m so humble. You’ll be quite impressed.

Byron Miller:

If you’re human, you need to be right;
Someone tells you you’re wrong, it’s a slight.
Despite tiptoes and tact,
Watch the ego react
Every time, and defensively fight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (295)

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”

Marty Gerendasy:

Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.

Sharon Neeman:

They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”

Jean McEwen:

I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!

Konrad Schwoerke:

My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.

Doug Harris:

He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …

Bruce Niedt:

A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”

John Bergstrom:

Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.

Byron Miller:

Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.

Tony Holmes:

“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!

Fred Bortz:

It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)

Jean McEwen:

From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.

Dave Johnson:

It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.

Tim James:

Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (294)

Saturday, March 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RANDY WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A laptop who loved to cavort
With connective devices for sport
Gushed, “I’ll always enable
A USB cable
Adapted to turn on my port.”

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special CLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A mouse had been warned of the clock:
“It’s electric and likely to shock.”
This advice went unheeded,
So now what is needed
Is a hickory dickory doc.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Kathleen Bartoletti, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PORT” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

Claimed a windbag in Bankruptcy Court:
“I’m a stud in a ladies resort.”
But on spying his tool,
The judge ruled the fool
Had no visible means of support.

Kirk Miller:

At a nuclear plant, they abort
Operations while trying to thwart
Radiational leaks.
An inspector then speaks,
And he gives them a glowing report.

John Bergstrom:

De pirates were drinking de port.
They were down to their very last quart.
But de porter came by
And renewed their supply –
He re-ported ’em, ’fore they ran short.

Fred Bortz:

They frolicked at Trumpster’s resort
And elsewhere, the papers report.
A tryst in Chicago?
Perhaps Mar-a-Lago?
Then Stormy says, “See you in Court!”

Kirk Miller:

A yoga instructor named Mort
Gave students some extra support.
“Do you have time to meet
One-on-one?” asked young Pete.
“I’m flexible,” came the retort.

Tim James:

A sailor, a free-spending sort,
Hired a hooker for sexual sport.
He said, between sighs
As she straddled his thighs,
“Lean a bit more to starboard! Now port!”

Dave Johnson:

With climate change, time’s running short;
That ice melt will fail to abort.
Proceeding this way,
In Phoenix some day
They’ll have to establish a port.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Daylight Saving Time’s playing its tricks:
I’m in Israel; my cuz from the sticks
Of New Jersey just phoned;
“Five AM here!” I groaned.
“Oh no, really? I thought it was six!”

Jean McEwen:

Their functions are fairly routine:
Sound alarms, say when meetings convene.
The typical clock
Just goes tick and then tock,
But YOUR clock? Now, that one I’ll clean!

Kathleen Bartoletti:

She heard her bi’logical clock
Loud and clear, and with ev’ry tick tock,
She cried and thought maybe
Instead of a baby,
She’d be forced to adopt a Pet Rock.

Brian Allgar:

She sighed. She’d been sucking his cock
For a couple of hours by the clock,
But the guy was still limp.
“Fake news!” cried the wimp.
“I’m the Donald. I’m hard as a rock!”

Sharon Neeman:

My clocks used to tick on the wall,
And a grandfather chimed in the hall.
Now they hide, half unseen,
At the edge of my screen,
With no ticking or chiming at all.

Dave Johnson:

It looked like the win was a lock;
So coaches said “Run out the clock.”
But things happened fast,
Their lead wouldn’t last;
Which won them some papers that walk.

Tim James:

“Spring forward, fall back.” He had mocked
That old bromide, but now he was shocked.
He was one hour late
For his meeting at eight.
With the time change, he’d gone off half-clocked.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (293)

Saturday, March 3rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She’s trans, which he somehow had missed.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special HAIR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Before her Brazilian, Miss Claire
Grew a raggedy thicket down there.
Although follicly taxing,
Its waning by waxing
Left Claire’s hairy lair fairly bare.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Mike Shulman, Bob Dvorak, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Ailsa McKillop, Mike Burch, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Hubby checked out his phone while he pissed,
And — pre-dick-tably — some of it missed.
Now the loo stinks like hell,
But he claims there’s no smell!
Oh, I wish he would cease and desist!

David Reddekopp:

I was nearing the end of my rope.
Would the government give me some hope?
Their reply left me pissed:
“If these problems persist
They’re built into the system, so cope.”

Mike Shulman:

A ribald gent liked to insist
He could come with a flick of the wrist.
He flicked when a cop
Made a brief traffic stop,
And was slapped with a “cease and desist.”

Sharon Neeman:

“My brother’s disgusting!” she hissed.
“Did you hear what he said? I’m so pissed:
‘If adding E-R
Takes a word twice as far,
Then a sister’s just worse than a cyst’!”

Bob Dvorak:

Some readers will find themselves pissed
When on viewpoints I loudly insist.
’Twould be better, I say,
To debate, than say “Nay!”
Present FACTS that one cannot resist.

Kirk Miller:

Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”

John Bergstrom:

There was a young man who’d insist
He could shop without making a list.
“For the last seven weeks
I’ve bought nothing but leeks.
I don’t care if my girlfriend gets pissed!”

Ailsa McKillop:

The round table game did persist.
Ev’ry man held some cards in his fist.
With expressionless mien
I’d have savoured the scene,
If how poker was played I had wist.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HAIR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Mike Burch:

The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump’s bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man’s wigging out, so beware!

Jean McEwen:

I thought that I’d reached for shampoo,
But now the damn comb won’t go through.
Although properly tagged,
The wrong bottle I grabbed.
And that’s why my hair is now goo.

Tim James:

I try to take aging with grace,
Despite wrinkles and sags in my face.
Things have slowed down a lot.
But there’s one thing that’s not:
It’s my hairline, retreating apace.

Dave Johnson:

Rapunzel, please let down your hair;
A fellow from Guinness is there.
He’ll measure your tresses,
And my simple guess is
The record, with inches to spare.

Brian Allgar:

“So waddya think of my hair?”
Said the Donald. She gave him a stare.
“Well, the color – bright yellow –
Is odd for a fellow,
And most of it just isn’t there.”

Judith H. Block:

The guy was as huge as a bear,
So drunk, he slid off the bar chair;
He took a large swig,
Then he grabbed at her wig,
She truly escaped by a hair.

Byron Miller:

Though his trumped-up successes, he’ll flaunt,
Saying, “Let’s make the deal that YOU want.”
I just can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.

Dave Johnson:

While Elvis was known for his hair,
His fans were more likely to stare
At the gyrating show
Going on down below;
A pelvis with follicle flair.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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