Archive for December, 2015

Not So Glittery Party (Limerick)

Thursday, December 31st, 2015

For her party, she planned lots of glitter,
But forgot; she’s a bit of a flitter.
So nothing was clinquant.
That gal was delinquent…
Also smart; this cut down on the litter.

New Year’s Toast (Limerick)

Thursday, December 31st, 2015

The new year is coming up fast,
As I think of the world’s recent past.
It feels like the brink,
So to hope I shall drink:
Next year’s GOT to be better than last.

Sound Familiar? (Limerick)

Wednesday, December 30th, 2015

That annual moment is near,
When I notice I’ve failed to adhere
To the “vow list” I wrote;
Resolutions I’ll quote
In my NEW list. (They’re longer each year.)

A Match You Can Bank On

Monday, December 28th, 2015

A woman who’d stanched the advances
Of a man she had met at some dances,
Was informed of his wealth.
Seems his grand fiscal health
Has sufficed to enhance romance chances.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LEWD or ELUDE or ALLUDE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Sunday, December 27th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either LEWD or ELUDE or ALLUDE at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to sleep and/or insomnia, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best sleep/insomnia-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 10, 2016, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 9, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

An actress deserved to be booed
For behavior decidedly lewd,
But she paid little price
For her crudity vice
Till revealing, “I think I’m a dude.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (242)

Sunday, December 27th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The Mayor Rob Ford wasn’t wise
Getting filmed smoking crack. His demise
Was assured when he tried
To deny he had lied,
So now he’s the Ford of the Lies.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

When AutoCorrect makes you groan,
Remember that this year alone
More than two thousand dupes
Sold their souls (or their “soups”)
To SANTA, because of their phone.

Congratulations to JUDITH H. BLOCK, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

With a smile on his deathbed, here lies
A guy who had stars in his eyes.
The sex, off the chart,
Was too much for his heart.
It was an ecstatic demise.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Sue Dulley, Allen Wilcox, Will T. Laughlin, Jim Sullivan, RJ Clarken, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Dave Johnson, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LIES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO HOLIDAY LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

From the rooftop, old Santa relies
On a chimney to bring his surprise,
But this year, he got stuck,
And they heard him yell “Fuck!
I have eaten too many mince pies!”

Fred Bortz, who notes that his limerick is based on a true story: “Our daughter entered the world on the 366th day of a leap year, about 10 days early.”

A tax refund lights up our eyes;
The onset of labor belies
The o.b.’s prediction.
His date was a fiction.
Our New Year’s Eve baby’s a prize!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LIES” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

“All these words that I utter are lies,”
Quips the prankster, “so you would be wise
To refuse to believe
That I always deceive.”
Meanwhile, logic just curls up and dies.

Allen Wilcox:

He has made quite a fetish of ties
On which his dear mistress relies.
He wears them so long
That they tickle his dong
And create a great increase in sighs.

Will T. Laughlin:

The fury; the venom; the lies;
The call for the Others’ demise;
The tribalist hate –
Say, was this a debate,
Or rehearsal for “Lord of the Flies?”

Jim Sullivan:

Some day they’ll be saying, “Here lies . . .”
When they’ve closed up my mouth and my eyes.
My family will sigh. It
Will be very quiet
When I leap up and yell out, “Surprise!”

Rj Clarken:

The media often supplies
News bites they sensationalize,
With candidates who
Hope their viewers will view
The world through their very skewed eyes.

So we often compartmentalize,
Disassociate or else disguise
The fact we can’t face,
Look away or erase
What we’d normally diss otherwise.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you can see through someone’s guise
Just by looking right into their eyes,
You’ll know if they’re ruthless
Mendacious or truthless;
Your real eyes realize real lies.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOLIDAY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Down the chimney I saw Santa go
To a brothel; how couldn’t he know?
At the bottom were three
Lovely ladies, so he
Put new spin on the phrase “Ho ho ho.”

Dave Johnson:

The holiday season is here
With greetings and lots of good cheer.
Our spirits will lift
Since we get to re-gift
That crap from the previous year.

David Reddekopp:

It’s realized – Santa’s worst fear;
The reindeer are striking this year.
Fatigue was a factor,
So he bought a tractor,
For nothing can run like a Deere.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Not That I’m Complaining, But… (Limerick)

Thursday, December 24th, 2015

I’m not writing a climate-change screed,
But I’d wager most folks would concede
This is crazy as heck:
Icy drinks on our deck,
Late December, New York. Coat? No need!

No Longer Tied To Ties (Limerick)

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015

Guys who despise ties (and who doesn’t?) will love New York City’s new gender discrimination rule banning restaurants from requiring ties for male diners only.

A male-only necktie demand
In Big Apple rest’rants is banned.
This new rule now protects
Our poor fellows’ sore necks.
How grand that such sexism’s panned!

Open Limerick To Would-Be Thieves

Friday, December 18th, 2015

This headline cried out for a limerick: “Seized to-do list: ‘Steal mail and shoplift.’”

When planning to plunder or steal,
Concealment is key; Don’t reveal
Any scheming on paper.
“To-do list” your caper?
Self-squealing, it’s clear, ain’t ideal.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LIES or BELIES or RELIES at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Saturday, December 12th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using LIES or BELIES or RELIES at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to any December holiday, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick-Off Award Winner on December 27, 2015, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 26, 2015, at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

The weatherman forecast clear skies.
But I wasn’t surprised by the cries
And the shrieks and the bawling
When rain started falling;
I’ve weathered the weather guys’ lies.

Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (241)

Saturday, December 12th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RAPHAEL HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse:

There once was a gibbon named Flake,
Whose chimpanzee wife baked a cake.
He grabbed a big hunk.
His wife said, “You skunk,
Our marriage is all gibbon take.”

Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Sue Dulley:

The unit of snow is the ‘flake’
With six points; otherwise it’s a fake.
“No two are the same,”
Is the weatherman’s claim.
But who looks at them all, for Pete’s sake?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Mae Simon, Brian Allgar, Jesse Frankovich, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jon Gearhart, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

The paint on the ceiling would flake
When she screamed. Then her body would quake,
With her toes curling tight.
It capped off quite a night.
You know what? I don’t *care* if it’s fake.

Daisy Mae Simon:

Our neighbor is nice, but a flake.
Each December she makes us fruitcake.
We smile. (She means well.)
We re-gift it (Don’t tell!)
To a GOP-Tea Party snake.

Brian Allgar:

It was snowing, huge flake after flake,
And my windscreen was growing opaque.
She was giving good head,
But she bit me instead
When I hit the emergency brake.

Jesse Frankovich’s Acrostic Limerick:

Four meanings I’ll offer for flake:
Loose, small piece that from something may break;
A unit of snow;
Kooky fruitcake you know;
Early tool that from stone one can make.

Ira Bloom:

A grey goose, a bit of a flake,
Humped a duck in the dark, by mistake.
“I don’t want to pander,
You stupid old gander,”
The duck said. “Besides, I’m a drake.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

She discovered her necklace was fake
When the gold on it started to flake.
The fur was not real,
Her ring, stainless steel,
But her spouse was a genuine snake.

Jon Gearhart:

Now Bob is a bit of a flake.
Goes to sea in a rowboat (a caique).
O’er the side he goes golfin’
Hits eggs at the dolphin
Who’re caught in his fin eggin’ wake.

Dave Johnson

Aunt Martha will quite often bake
Some brownies or maybe a cake.
With her Saturday stop
At the cannabis shop,
There’s magic in every flake.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Seems a break ain’t the same as a brake,
And a sheikh ain’t the same as a shake,
And a stake ain’t the same
As a steak—what a shame!—
But a flake is a flake is a flake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Word Lover’s Woes (Limerick)

Thursday, December 10th, 2015

My hunger for words is voracious,
And I’ve just learned a new one: “fugacious.”
It means “fleeting,” I’ve read,
But it soon will have fled
From a brain insufficiently spacious.

Happy Dewey Decimal Day! (Limerick)

Thursday, December 10th, 2015

When I was a child (way, way, way before computers) I was fascinated by the Dewey Decimal System. How I loved perusing the sliding drawers of those beautiful wooden library cases! They were packed with tiny cards, key to my quest for the number that would lead me to a book’s aisle and shelf location.

So I feel compelled to celebrate Dewey Decimal Day with a limerick. (It’s observed each year on December 10th, in honor of the birthday of Melvil Dewey, inventor of the Dewey Decimal System.)

The U.S. librarian Dewey
Found our library book placement screwy.
“Shelve this system,” he said.
“Number topics instead!”
(So chop suey is near ratatouille.)

Note: Under this topical/numeric system, food books would generally fall into the 641 classification. Cooking and recipes would be 641.5, whereas “cooking specific kinds of composite dishes” would be 641.8.

Happy National Pastry Day (Limerick)

Wednesday, December 9th, 2015

A pastry chef promised to can
All her plans to procure a nice tan,
Cuz fresh wrinkles appeared
Ev’ry day, which she feared
Came from baking like cake in a pan.

Happy National Pastry Day. (December 9)

Limerick Ode To Galileo’s Telescope

Thursday, December 3rd, 2015

It’s Telescope Day, celebrated because on December 3, 1621, Galileo announced he’d perfected his telescope. And so, a celebratory limerick:

Galileo perfected in spades
The magnificent gadget that aids
Us in viewing the stars
And the planets, like Mars.
Of course, NOW we need curtains and shades.

Limerick For National Mutt Day

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

Happy National Mutt Day! (It’s celebrated twice a year, on December 2nd and July 31.)

Today we must cherish the mutt.
Mongrels matter, no if, and, or but.
Purebred dogs may be chic,
But each mixed breed’s unique.
It’s clear cut. Walk yours proudly and strut.

Some News Items Cry Out For A Limerick

Tuesday, December 1st, 2015

A Limerick barn has been wrecked
By a drunk-driving woman, unchecked.
With no qualms about stealing
The truck she was wheeling,
She ought to be (rhymers say) decked.

(Inspired by this news story: “Woman injured when stolen Angry Orchard truck crashes into Limerick barn.”)