It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A gardener frequently blows
Lots of money on hoes, hose, and hos.
What’s the kind he likes best?
Well, unlike all the rest,
It’s the one that you can’t buy at Lowe’s.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Though my relatives near come to blows,
And my nightmares are filled with red bows,
And my innocent telly
Now knows Megyn Kelly,
I’m sad after everyone goes!
Congratulations to J Cosmo Newbery, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The brav’ry of someone who blows
On bagpipes, is hard to suppose.
As they pump and exhale
It lets out a high wail–
Like a cat in its final death throes.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
So, this Christmas turned out a bit weird:
Last week’s man in the news with a beard
Wasn’t “god’s only son”
Or “the red suited one,”
But ‘a feller that’s homo afeard.’
Seems he said a few words that were rude
About things some folks do in the nude.
Claimed he’s speaking for god.
That’s the part I found odd.
Not as odd though as what then ensued.
The network said “Good grief, O lord,
By this unchristian speech we’re abhorred.”
But they soon got the news
That this good ol’ boy’s views
With Confederate hearts struck a chord.
In a cowardly turn I believe
The old duck guy was given reprieve.
They said “we don’t hate gays
But it’s clear that what pays
Is to give all you hicks ‘by your leave.'”
Now I can’t say what all this portends.
But it’s time that this limerick ends.
So to Phil who sells bait,
Though your words incite hate
Happy New Year to you and my friends.
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Chris Hansen, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Kirk Miller.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Limerick Blows Division” (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Will T. Laughlin, Bob Dvorak, and John Peter Larkin.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Honorable Mention Winners — “Holiday Limerick Division”
A fellow of whom I’ve heard tell
Doesn’t write Christmas cards very well:
“I wish you and your wife
Ots of ove and ong ife.”
But it fits, in this time of No el.
It’s a Jewish December tradition
To serve meals at the Save-a-Soul Mission,
Then to nosh some Chinese,
Where pork’s kosher — Oh please,
That is NOT the rabbinic position!
Some resolve on the first day of Jan.
To work out, or abstain, or eat bran.
The gyms are awash
With the poor and the posh.
By the tenth they’re all gone, to a man.
At the company party this Christmas,
Our boss was a rowdily Pissed Miss,
All smoochy and jolly,
Decked only in holly–-
An under-the-mistletoe-Kissed mess.
At Christmas, what carries some clout
Is mistletoe hanging about.
When I hung some at work,
People said, “Tell me, Kirk,
With mistletoe how’d you make out?”
Honorable Mention Winners — “Limerick Blows Division”
From the ship came a loud “There she blows!”
As the white whale from ocean depths rose.
The sea was soon strewn
With crew and harpoon
As Moby de-feeted more foes.
Will T. Laughlin:
We went to “The 400 Blows,”
Which we thought was that film of Truffaut’s.
We found we were wrong:
It starred Annabelle Chong
And four hundred fortunate schmoes.
A woman who frequently blows
On her horn says her preference it shows.
When asked by a wench
If her horn felt like French
She replied, “Blowing French — la même chose.”
John Peter Larkin:
A woman who’d suffered some blows
From guys whom she thought were her beaus,
Told them all to get lost
In tones filled with frost,
And said their new status was “Foes.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
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