MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

The Outgoing Message I’d love To (But Probably Shouldn’t) Leave On My Answering Machine
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your party can’t come to the phone.
She’s at lunch or home sick.  Please don’t moan.
Leave a message, or not.
I don’t care — I’m a bot.
But my owner says, “Leave me alone!”

(For more phone-related verse, visit Sunday Scribblings.)

Technorati Tags: Telephone Verse, Answering Machine Limerick, Outgoing Messages, Phone Humor, Business Poem, Workplace Poetry

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is email and/or spam. First, my limerick:

I’m out of the office right now.
Do I hate answ’ring email? And how!
Missed your missive? I’m glad,
So I won’t say I’m sad.
Pester some other worker-bee. Ciao!

And now my three spam-related haiku:

Suffocating spam
Pours into my computer,
Drowning out meaning.

Virulent spammers
Take over my computer,
Devouring its core.

My email pours in,
The meaningful lost,
Strangled by spam.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about email and/or spam. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

UPDATE: The Mr. Linky site (which generates the Mr. Linky links) seems to be having technical problems. So if you’d like to add a link to your email or spam-themed verse, please put in the Comments for now.  When Mr. Linky starts working again, I’ll place your links into Mr. Linky myself.

Technorati Tags: Email Limerick, Spam Verse, Email Hell Humor, Writing Prompts, Career Humor

Interactive Taxes
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don’t you think you should do them anyway? After all, it’s April 14. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a refund.

That’s the spirit. Let’s begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don’t let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.

Please don’t cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let’s talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they’re not all in college.

You’re having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can’t help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.

I hate lawyers too. But we’re really veering off track … Interactive Taxes is continued here.

Technorati Tags: Income Tax Humor, Computer Software Humor, Tax Filing Humor, Technology Commentary, Money Satire, Financial Humor

Many prestigious and popular sites just took a huge Google PageRank hit. For instance,  The Washington Post, Forbes, The Chicago Sun-Times, and SFGate.com have all dropped from a 7 to a 5.

Search engine experts and webmasters are speculating that Google is punishing these and numerous other sites because of their advertising practices.  And that brings me to my latest haiku:

Is Google at war,
Smiting ad revenue streams
That bypass Google?

(You can find more of my technology, computer, and search engine humor here and my news haiku here.)

Technorati Tags: Google Humor, PageRank Poetry, Revenue Streams, Search Engine Humor, Webmaster Poetry, Computer Humor,  Technology Haiku 

I love a good challenge, and Tricia at Miss Rumphius has provided a tough one: Write a poem that begins with one of five preexisting lines. I’ve written both a limerick and a four-liner, altering the limerick’s first line a bit so it conforms to limerick rhythm rules.

Here’s my limerick:

Time Travel
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Please stop all the clocks.  Cut the phone.
Pull the plug on each ‘puter you own.
Ain’t the silence sublime
As you go back in time?
With your thoughts you’re at last all alone.

And here’s my four-liner:

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
While wondering why I felt so cowed
By life, while others lived unbowed.
Must be  like them, I vowed, aloud.

Technorati Tags: Time Travel, Technology Limerick, Mind & Spirit

Did you know that the Xerox office copying revolution was born on October 22, 1938? This led to two large drops:  Mimeographic machine sales  … and men’s pants.

Technorati Tags: Tech Humor, Xerox Copy Machines, Jokes, One-Liners, Historical Dates

I dedicate this to everyone’s who’s ever been driven mad by a website or blog outage:

Web Withdrawal Woes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This outage has led me to think
I’ve gone bonkers, berserk—need a shrink.
I keep checking the site.
It’s still down—what a plight!
Web withdrawal may drive me to drink.

Technorati Tags: Net Humor, Web Humor, Site Outage Poem, Web Withdrawal, Techie Humor, Addiction Humor, Web Addict, Net Addict, Technology Verse, Computers, Psychology Humor, Internet Limerick

Sometimes spam frustrates me so much, that I’m forced to turn it into haiku.  How do I do it?  I simply mix and match phrases from various annoying email solicitations and turn them into Spam Haiku.  Here are some examples:

My college pictures
Enhance your anatomy.
Proven effective.

New technology.
Frustration and hopelessness.
Xanax, Valium.

Amazing orgies.
Pictures are hard to believe.
Are you strong enough?

Play Texas Hold’em.
Your future is in your hands.
Never type again.

Large screen DVD.
Is your husband performing?
Big trading alert.

Stocks in an up trend.
Best pain reliever ever.
Be happy again.

Be a love hammer.
Penis enlargement breakthrough.
You can split and merge.

Pelvic pain is real.
Computers are infected.
Contact our doctors.

Technorati Tags: Spam, Haiku, Annoying Email, Spam Poetry, Spam Verse

Welcome mobile readers!  If you’re browsing via cell phone, I’ve written this limerick just for you:

Ode To The Mobile Web
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My blog has gone mobile — how cool!
You can surf on a cellular tool
While on foot, in your car,
Or wherever you are.
Mobile web browsing — cellulars rule!

If you’d like to subscribe to this humor blog’s mobile feed, click on the mobile icon just under my photo on the right sidebar.  And don’t forget to subscribe to my political satire blog’s mobile feed too. 

Oh — I almost forgot — if you’d like to turn your own blog into a mobile site, here’s how to do it. And you might even earn some advertising and affiliate revenue doing it.

Technorati Tags: Mobile Browser, Mobile Web, FeedM8, Mobile Device, Feed-Enabled Websites, Mobile Blogs, Mobile Phone, Cellular, Cell Phone, Mobilize, Mobile Verse, Mobile Web Humor, Mobile Blog Feeds, Mobile Satire 

Website owners, webmasters, and people who specialize in search engine optimization (SEO) and search engine marketing (SEM) tend to be an obsessive bunch, perpetually checking stats  in their quest for better numbers. What do improved numbers mean?  In theory, they beget better placement in search engine results pages (SERPS), more sales, and higher ad rates.

This obsession tends to reach a frenzied peak roughly four times a year, when Google’s Toolbar is updated, and you learn if your latest PageRank has risen or (heaven forbid) dropped. And while some may claim that they don’t care about PageRank, nobody believes them.

In honor of Google PageRank update season, which apparently is upon us, I’ve written this limerick:

Ode To The Google PageRank Obsession
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Google PageRank obsession is back,
‘Cause an update is due, which we track.
Have our efforts paid off?
Although many will scoff,
We need proof that we’re leading the pack.

Here are some tools and an informative article for the Google PageRank obsessed: Search Engine Marketing Tools, PageRank Checker, Google PageRank Prediction, Google Pagerank prediction tool, Live PageRank, Dig PageRank, and Google PageRank: What Do We Really Know About it?

(You can find more of my computer and technology humor and limericks here, including my song parody Webmaster’s SEO Complaint.)

Technorati Tags: Google Humor, PageRank Satire, Google Limerick, PR Update Humor, Webmaster Humor, Rank Obsession, SEO Humor, SEM Humor, SERPS, Search Engine Limerick, Net Humor, Web Humor

If you’ve ever registered for a site or an email list, you’re surely familiar with those frustrating anti-spam CAPTCHA forms. CAPTCHA, which is an acronym for “Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart,” generally does a really good job of  blocking … me:

Captured By CAPTCHA (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The CAPTCHA form used on their site
Quickly conquered computerized blight,
Because bots can’t decode
Any image it showed.
But then neither can I—there’s my plight

(You can find more of my technology humor here.) 

Technorati Tags: CAPTCHA, Internet Humor, Technology Satire, Site Registration, Forms, Bot Humor, Spam Humor

Sleepless In Geekdom
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband’s a super-smart geek
Who’s on overnight call once a week.
And those questions they pose
After wrecking our doze
Sound, to me, much like Latin or Greek.

Technorati Tags: Marriage Satire, Husband Wife Humor, Geek Humor, Technology Satire, Computer Satire, Insomnia Humor, Sleeplessness, On Call

Boot-Licked
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My new laptop refuses to boot,
So I’m thinking of filing a suit.
Plug and play this sure ain’t.
If it started, I’d faint.
Lots of loot for this trash don’t compute. 

Technorati Tags: Computer Satire, Technology Satire, Money Limerick, Law Humor, Laptop Humor, Boot Failure, Plug And Play

A Spam Filter That Really Works Would Be Nice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My filters should block them, but nay!
Spam emails beset me each day,
Pushing stock, naked boys,
Drugs for sex, naughty toys—
All ad nauseam. Please, go away! 

Technorati Tags: Spam Humor, Internet Humor, Email Humor, Computer Satire, Technology Satire,  Spam Filters, Stock Tip Spam, Drug Spam, Porno Spam

Backup Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

They told me to back up my drive,
Which has crashed—it’s no longer alive.
Had I heeded their warning,
I wouldn’t be mourning
My data, which didn’t survive. 

Technorati Tags: Computers, Technology, Backups, Lost Data, Hard Drive, Crashes, Technology Satire, Computer Satire, Business Satire, Money Satire

Would you trust a wine tasting robot? What about a robot that thinks humans taste like bacon? (Via Majikthise)

Wine Tasting Robots, Oh My! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Wine tasting robots, oh my!
It’s a concept that some might not buy.
Yet men oft opine
Quite ineptly on wine.
So perhaps I shall give one a try.

What Do People Taste Like?
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

What do people taste like?
I surely do not know.
A cannibal might tell you,
Or the artist Vin Van Gogh.

Maybe we’re like chicken,
Or tuna in a can.
No, it’s “bacon,” says one robot.
Did it taste a Jewish man?

(You can find my food and drink humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Wine Tasting, Robots, Cannibals, Electromechanical Sommeliers, Wine Humor,  Jewish Humor

My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. In fact, it’s so petite that the very act of staying there more than a day without a single quarrel is persuasive proof of a sound relationship.

On a recent weekend there we were happily hiding out, luxuriating in nature, listening to the birds, and breathing in the fragrant non-New York City air. Suddenly, we were assaulted by a distinctly unpacific sound. No, not sundry talking heads screaming about Iraq. It was even worse than that. … (False Alarm is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Automobile Humor, Car Alarms, Country Living, Husband Humor, Modern Life, Contemporary Life, Technology Downside, Weekend Home, Vacation House

How’s this for a corporate nightmare? Every Segway Personal Transporter ever manufactured has been recalled due to a “software glitch in the scooters that can make riders fall.”

This recall calls out for a limerick, don’t you think? So here’s my Ode To The Segway Scooter:

The maker of scooters called Segway
Has recalled them from road, walk, and hedgeway.
Their software’s quite galling.
It’s prone to cause falling.
Now lawyers have fresh “we allege” prey.

Technorati Tags: Segway scooters, Personal Transporters, Riding Scooters, Scooter Defects, Software Bugs, Product Recalls, Money Limerick, Business Limerick, Product Liability Humor, Lawsuit Humor, Personal Injury, Legal Humor, Computer Humor, Technology Humor, Litigation Humor

You praise my weblog
And I’ll mention your blog.
You link my weblog
And I’ll link to your blog
Weblog,
Your blog,
Weblog,
Your blog,
Let’s call the whole thing off.

You laud my rampage
On Bush’s last outrage.
You say I’m so sage,
Go check out my web page. …

(Bloggers’ Rhapsody is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Blogger Humor, Technology Humor, Blogging Humor, Computer Humor, Blog Related Humor, Blog Post Humor, Publicity Humor, Marketing Humor, Publicity Humor

If your husband ever invites you to join him on a business trip, be sure to ask him these questions:
   1. Will you ever get to see him while he is not — technically — asleep?
   2. What will he do, if you accidentally lock yourself out of your hotel room in the middle of the night while you are not — technically — dressed?

Unfortunately, I didn’t think to ask these questions when my husband Mark invited me to join him for a six-week Boston business trip. So I had to learn the answers the hard way. …

( A Traveler’s Net Woes is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Travel Humor, Marriage Humor, Hotel Humor, Business Travel Humor, Computer Humor, Laptop Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Internet Outage Humor, Net Connection