MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

The Outgoing Message I’d love To (But Probably Shouldn’t) Leave On My Answering Machine
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your party can’t come to the phone.
She’s at lunch or home sick.  Please don’t moan.
Leave a message, or not.
I don’t care — I’m a bot.
But my owner says, “Leave me alone!”

(For more phone-related verse, visit Sunday Scribblings.)

Technorati Tags: Telephone Verse, Answering Machine Limerick, Outgoing Messages, Phone Humor, Business Poem, Workplace Poetry

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is email and/or spam. First, my limerick:

I’m out of the office right now.
Do I hate answ’ring email? And how!
Missed your missive? I’m glad,
So I won’t say I’m sad.
Pester some other worker-bee. Ciao!

And now my three spam-related haiku:

Suffocating spam
Pours into my computer,
Drowning out meaning.

Virulent spammers
Take over my computer,
Devouring its core.

My email pours in,
The meaningful lost,
Strangled by spam.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about email and/or spam. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

UPDATE: The Mr. Linky site (which generates the Mr. Linky links) seems to be having technical problems. So if you’d like to add a link to your email or spam-themed verse, please put in the Comments for now.  When Mr. Linky starts working again, I’ll place your links into Mr. Linky myself.

Technorati Tags: Email Limerick, Spam Verse, Email Hell Humor, Writing Prompts, Career Humor

Did you know that the Xerox office copying revolution was born on October 22, 1938? This led to two large drops:  Mimeographic machine sales  … and men’s pants.

Technorati Tags: Tech Humor, Xerox Copy Machines, Jokes, One-Liners, Historical Dates

Did you know that tomorrow, October 16th, is National Boss Day? So, are you excited yet?

I thought I’d “celebrate” National Boss Day with a pair of limericks:

Workplace Diplomacy Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Please mind your own business, I said,
To a woman whose presence I dread.
She is pushy and rude,
Rather nosy and crude.
Even worse—she’s the gal my boss wed. 

A Brief Beef
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My boss yelled, “I’ve got a big beef:
Your briefings are seldom … well … brief.
I want the essentials.
You give me tangentials.”
“So long,” I replied, with relief.

(You can find more of my employment humor here.)

Technorati Tags: National Boss Day, Boss Humor, Work Humor, Workplace Diplomacy, Briefings Humor, Odd Holidays

If you’re ever in Scottsdale, Arizona and feel the need to buy jeans, prepare yourself for a scary rear view:

Worried that new pair of high-fashion jeans may just make your butt look fat? Now shoppers in one upscale Scottsdale store [The Hub] can check it out for themselves before someone else makes the observation - using the Butt Cam, a camera positioned just so that’s connected to a video screen on a dressing room wall.

And if that doesn’t sound bad enough:

The setup also allows Hub employees to display views of their more confident shoppers on flat-screen TVs behind the cash registers for all to see.

This brings me to my latest limerick:

No Butt Cams For Me — No Ifs, Ands, Or Buts
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Butt Cam sure sounds rather crass,
But it gives you a view of your ass
While you’re trying on jeans.
And you know what that means?
It should tell almost all: “Take a pass!” 

So, would you ever willingly expose yourself to a butt camera? Take my Butt Cam poll and let me know:

(You can find more of my fashion and shopping humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Butt Camera, Butt Cam, Buying Jeans, Clothes Shopping, Fashion Satire, Shopping In Scottsdale Arizona, Dressing Room Cameras, Video Screens

Games People Play … At Meetings
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Buzzword bingo’s a game workers play
To record pompous things people say:
With a buzzword list near,
They mark jargon they hear,
In their quest to keep boredom at bay.

(My previous humor about meetings is here.) 

Technorati Tags: Buzzword Bingo, Workplace Games, Work Fun, Jargon, Boredom, Pomposity, Work Limerick

Pity The Poor Lawyer
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your billable hours are low,”
Said the partner. “They simply must grow.
It behooves you to hike them
Or better, please spike them.
To lunch breaks and sleep, just say no!”

(This is but one of many reasons why I’m a “recovering lawyer.” You can find more of my law humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Limerick, Billable Hours, Law Partner, Lunch Breaks, Sleep Humor, Slavedriver Law Firms, Legal Humour, Work Satire, Workplace Limerick

Do you work with anybody like this?  I sure hope not!

Bandwidth Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“I’ve no bandwidth for that,” some folks say.
It’s their style of responding, “No way!
I’ve no time. I am beat.
I have deadlines to meet.
I’m maxed out. I can’t help you. Okay?”

=========

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival of the Insanities
* Blog Carnival on Observations on Life
* Carnival of Family Life

Technorati Tags: Stress Humor, Workplace Tension, Pressure, Anxiety Humor, Bandwidth, Deadlines, Time Pressure, Maxed Out

A Rueful Rhyme
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your inventions are brilliant, it’s true.
Yes, you’re smart; it’s your rudeness I rue.
I regret that I met you,
My failure to vet you,
And, mostly, my saying, “I do.” 

Technorati Tags: Relationship Fun, Working Humor, Vetting Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Marriage Satire

Office Politics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your career is at stake, you should know,
And you don’t want that guy as a foe.
Though his title ain’t fancy,
To mock him is chancy:
That fellow’s the president’s beau. 

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Office Politics Humor, Workplace Satire, Career Satire, Business Satire

Backup Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

They told me to back up my drive,
Which has crashed—it’s no longer alive.
Had I heeded their warning,
I wouldn’t be mourning
My data, which didn’t survive. 

Technorati Tags: Computers, Technology, Backups, Lost Data, Hard Drive, Crashes, Technology Satire, Computer Satire, Business Satire, Money Satire

Antique Antics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Is this lampshade antique or just old?
They tell me it’s rare. I’m not sold.
But I had it appraised
And was rather amazed:
It’s worth thousands, though covered in mold.

Technorati Tags: Antiques Humor, Appraisals, Mold, Shopping Fun, Money Satire

Ode To Prosperity
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The affluent prosper quite well,
As their savings continue to swell.
It is great to be rich.
Destitution’s a bitch.
You might say that it’s taxing as hell.

(My money and tax humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Prosperity, Wealth, Affluence, Poverty, Destitution, Satire, Humor, Taxes

There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.

Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”

This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.

AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).

WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;

WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and

WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Party Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Office Holiday Parties, Funny Contracts

Attention, Wal-Mart … Patients?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Wal-Mart is marketing health care
Via clinics in stores. Near the hardware?
You can call me a cynic,
But Wal-Mart based clinics?
My prescription is “Patients Beware.”

Technorati Tags: Wal-Mart Humor, Medical Humor, Health Satire, Healthcare Humor, Health Clinics, Marketing Humor, Patients Humor

How’s this for a corporate nightmare? Every Segway Personal Transporter ever manufactured has been recalled due to a “software glitch in the scooters that can make riders fall.”

This recall calls out for a limerick, don’t you think? So here’s my Ode To The Segway Scooter:

The maker of scooters called Segway
Has recalled them from road, walk, and hedgeway.
Their software’s quite galling.
It’s prone to cause falling.
Now lawyers have fresh “we allege” prey.

Technorati Tags: Segway scooters, Personal Transporters, Riding Scooters, Scooter Defects, Software Bugs, Product Recalls, Money Limerick, Business Limerick, Product Liability Humor, Lawsuit Humor, Personal Injury, Legal Humor, Computer Humor, Technology Humor, Litigation Humor

THOUGHTFUL INTERVIEW 

For a job applicant, an interview is to be sought, then dreaded, then endured. And managers rarely relish interviews any more than the trembling supplicant on the other side of their desk. So it’s probably just as well that people can’t read minds. If they could, most interviews would be aborted within 45 seconds:

INTERVIEWER: Good morning Mr. Jones. I’m so pleased that we’ve finally had a chance to meet. (This loser’s been clogging my voicemail and email with desperate messages.)

APPLICANT: It’s a pleasure to speak with you. (She’s been dodging my messages for weeks. I’ll never get this job.)

INTERVIEWER: George Smith recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (George is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)

APPLICANT: I’ve known George for years, and he’s very familiar with my work. (George is an idiot — a well-connected idiot. And if he weren’t my wife’s brother, he wouldn’t give me the time of day.)

INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)

APPLICANT: Well, —- I have a highly diversified background — everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One of these days I’ll find something I’m good at.)

INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here — another jack-of-all-trades.) … (My Thoughtful Interview is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Work Humor, Office Humor, Interview Humor, Interpersonal Humor,  Financial Humor, Employment Humor, Unemployment Humor, Business Humor, Money Humor, Workplace Humor

The “help wanted” pages are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can’t quite figure out what it is their children do for a living. And it can lead to parental queries like this one from my mother-in-law to my husband Mark:

“Tell me exactly what your job is. Go slowly. I have to write it down.”

Mark hadn’t switched employers or secured a promotion; he’s been doing essentially the same work for ten years. So why the sudden curiosity? Because his parents recently attended a wedding packed with inquisitive relatives. Relatives who appeared to be more interested in Mark’s career than they were in the bride and groom. …

( Parental Proposal is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Career Humor, Office Humor, Job Humor, Family Humor, Mother Humor, Parents Humor,  Relationship Humor, Business Humor, Workplace Humor

Do men and women communicate differently at work? Yes, according to proponents of the “men and women are from different galaxies” school of thought. Women are said to be self-effacing and apologetic. Men, on the other hand, are described as convincingly confident … even when they don’t have the slightest idea what they’re talking about.

Such generalizations can be dangerous, of course, and sometimes downright wrong. For instance I … forgive me for saying so … am a woman and I … uh … probably shouldn’t brag about this, but I … on admittedly rare occasions … sometimes manage to appear … uh … completely self-assured and … well … I probably shouldn’t waste your time on such a personal matter. In any event, I’m probably wrong.

Communication differences can be especially pronounced during business meetings. Especially those mind-numbingly “important” meetings where a gaggle of men and women perch and/or slouch around a conference table and discuss critical company issues like new products, marketing budgets, company picnics, and football scores. … (Those Unspeakable Meetings is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Career Humor, Office Humor, Men and Women, Communication Humor, Meetings Humor, Psychology Humor, Workplace Humor, Battle of the Sexes