Archive for March, 2012

A Poet’s Nightmare (Limerick)

Saturday, March 31st, 2012

DVerse prompts us to write about nightmares. Here’s my response:

A Poet’s Nightmare (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal had a frightening dream.
It featured her muse — made her scream:
Said her muse, “You must write
About terror tonight
And forever, cuz nightmare’s your theme.”

Nude Yoga? Yikes! (Limerick)

Thursday, March 29th, 2012

Yoga’s been in the news quite a bit lately. Is it good for you? Is it bad for you? Should you purchase some fancy yoga garb and skip the actual yoga?

But the oddest story so far is this one about naked yoga classes in South Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York.

Nude Yoga? Yikes!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Take a yoga class naked? How scary!
I confess that the thought makes me wary.
Yes I’ll gladly condone
Nude yoga alone.
But in public? I’m sorry. Too hairy.

(If you’re in Brooklyn and want to study yoga in a more modest fashion, check out my niece’s Crown Heights Fitness.)

Related Posts: A Fountain Of Face-Yoga Youth? and Yoga For What?

Lewis Black & The News Quiz USA — A Limerick Review

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012

Here’s the limerick review I wrote about the Lewis Black-hosted News Quiz USA. I heard it on WNYC radio in NYC, and it was hilarious, featuring panelists Andy Borowitz, Kathleen Madigan, Todd Barry and Ted Alexandro. You can hear it here.

Right now it’s apparently a one-off, an experimental American version of the UK’s BBC News Quiz. Here’s hoping they’ll decide to turn it into a weekly show.

Lewis Black & The News Quiz USA — A Limerick Review
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The News Quiz with host Lewis Black
Was hilarious. Please bring it back.
We need satire fare
Like this on the air.
For great humor, this team has a knack.

Uptight Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, March 25th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal who was very uptight…*

or

A man who was very uptight…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Uptight Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal who was very uptight
Had a hang-up concerning her height:
Five-foot-four was her claim —
Quite a stretch for a dame
Who looked like a 60-inch sprite.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (54)

Sunday, March 25th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman who tended her brood,
Followed hens who had eggs to extrude.
When a randy old rooster
Ran up and then goosed her,
She cried, “What a foul interlude!”

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman who tended to brood
Decided to have her hair blued
When she heard someone say,
“She ought to stay gray
Because that color matches her mood.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Robert Schechter, Jim Delaney, Patience and the Prodigal, and RJ Clarken. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fellow who tended to brood
On the right to be seen in the nude
Appealed to the court
With no briefs in support,
So they didn’t know what to conclude.

Robert Schechter:

A fellow who tended to brood
When a lion considered him food,
Declared, “I’m so sorry
To leave your safari,
But lions are best when eschewed.”

Jim Delaney:

A fellow who tended to brood
Had the notion to start up a feud.
Soon his lust for vendetta
Outclassed operetta
For plots that were petty, but skewed.

Patience and the Prodigal:

A fellow who tended to brood
Checked the price of a barrel of crude:
“To the devil and hell
With Exxon and Shell.”
For the rest of his life he canoed!

RJ Clarken:

A fella who tended to brood
On affairs of the heart, did conclude
That perhaps if he tried
A somnambulant bride
She would not run away when pursued.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Obnoxious Poetry Submission Guidelines

Wednesday, March 21st, 2012

Today (World Poetry Day) a discussion broke out on Facebook about the unreasonable rules poetry magazines often have regarding prior publication. So I couldn’t resist writing this limerick about these virgin-poem policies:

Limerick Ode To Obnoxious Poetry Submission Guidelines
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you hope for the honor and thrill,
To be published by us in our swill,
The work that you write
Must have never seen light.
And remember, don’t send us a bill.

Happy World Poetry Day!

My Reluctant Limerick Ode To Spring

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

Spring’s here. The weather’s great! I have nothing to bitch about. What’s a poor limerick writer to do?

My Reluctant Limerick Ode To Spring
By Madeleine Begun Kane

In previous years, I would blast:
“Spring’s arrived. Please tell winter it’s passed.
“Cuz it seems not to know —
“We are still getting snow!”
I’m aghast — can’t lambaste — spring came fast.

Limerick Ode To The GPS

Monday, March 19th, 2012

Every so often, I read about someone who blindly obeys his car’s GPS and ends up under water. Here’s the latest incident, involving common sense-challenged Japanese tourists who try to drive to an island.

Limerick Ode To The GPS
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If your car’s GPS tells you, “Go,”
But there’s water ahead, you should know
That it’s better to park.
Check your map. Find an ark.
Or else gear up for driving in l’eau.

UPDATE: April 5 is Read A Road Map Day.

Brooding Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, March 18th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman who tended to brood…*

or

A fellow who tended to brood…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Brooding Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman who tended to brood
Was spotted outdoors in the nude.
“I’d forgotten to dress,”
She explained to the press,
Who depressed her by calling her “dude.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (53)

Sunday, March 18th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Robert Schechter who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Young Jack, who was terribly shrill,
Said, “Give me another chance, Jill!”
But her dad said, “My daughter
Don’t need your damn water,
You klutz! Stay away from that hill!”

Congratulations to Jason Talbott who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook likes:

A man who was terribly shrill
Tried to sing with vibrato and trill.
The glassware all shattered
As bar patrons scattered
And they’ve banned karaoke there still.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Madeleine Sara Maddocks, Craig Dykstra, Neal Pattison, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ira Bloom, and John Reeves a/k/a Doggerelo. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Madeleine Maddocks:

A gal who was terribly shrill
On account of her helium thrill
Sold balloons at the fair
’Til she took to the air
And was seen floating over a hill.

Craig Dykstra:

So this gal with a voice that was shrill,
Said of birthdays, ”I’ve quite had my fill!”
Then she grabbed up a knife
And soon ended her life.
Now she’s under, not over, the hill.

Neal Pattison:

A jerk who was terribly shrill
Had a label for those on the pill:
No ifs, ands or buts,
He called them all sluts.
Now the pig finds his fat on the grill.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A gal who was terribly shrill
Was known for her horror film skill.
She could shriek loud and clear
And show real intense fear.
She was often the one they would kill.

Ira Bloom:

A guy who was terribly shrill
Told a woman who’d eaten her fill:
“Have you stepped on a scale?
You’re as big as a whale!
I suggest you cut back on the krill!”

John Reeves a/k/a Doggerelo

A gal who was terribly shrill
Broke glass with her voice for a thrill.
She hit the wrong note
In a glass-bottomed boat.
They’re dragging the lake for her still.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To The Print Encyclopedia

Wednesday, March 14th, 2012

The Encyclopaedia Britannica is the latest victim of the Digital Age:

Encyclopaedia Britannica Inc. announced Tuesday it will stop publishing print editions of its signature product for the first time in its 244-year history. In an acknowledgment of the shifting media landscape and the increasing reliance on digital references, the company said its current encyclopedia – the 32-volume, 129-pound 2010 edition – will be unavailable once the existing stock runs out. (If you’re interested, it’s yours for $1,395 and there are only 4,000 sets left.) The digital version of the encyclopedia, however, will live on.

This news saddened me. And it also reminded me about the obsolete, hand-me-down encyclopedia I grew up with in the Fifties and Sixties:

Limerick Ode To The Encyclopedia
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Brittanicas, World Books and more
Were common in households of yore.
But not in my home—
Just a hand-me-down tome
With entries, I swear, like “World War.”

Limerick Ode To The Rubber Band (Patented March 17, 1845)

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

As I mentioned yesterday, the Girl Scouts are celebrating their centennial birthday this week. But that’s just one of many significant occasions this month.

We commemorated International Women’s Day last week. And math fans will be celebrating Pi Day on March 14th. And, of course, just about everyone will be enjoying St. Patrick’s Day on March 17th.

But St. Patrick’s Day has to share its day with a lesser known celebration: On March 17, 1845, Stephen Perry patented the rubber band in England:

Limerick Ode To The Rubber Band
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s no stretch to contend this invention
Prevents loss using rubbery tension.
Those elasticized bands–
Loopy tools in our hands!
This retention aid merits ascension.

Happy 100th Birthday To The Girl Scouts (Limerick)

Monday, March 12th, 2012

It’s hard to believe that the Girl Scouts is one century old. Happy centennial anniversary to the Girl Scouts!

Happy 100th Birthday To The Girl Scouts (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I hated the Brownies and Scouting.
They weren’t my thing — there’s no doubting.
But this verse is no jest:
My centennial best
To the Girl Scouts. Today is worth touting.

Shrill Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, March 11th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s who won last week.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal who was terribly shrill…*

or

A man who was terribly shrill…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Shrill Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal who was terribly shrill
Was stunned by a very high bill.
She shrieked and she raved,
Till her creditor caved:
“Please, I’ll cut it in half, if you chill.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (52)

Sunday, March 11th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Scott Crowder who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man who was partial to gin,
Was on the beach, looking at skin,
When he heard from his wife,
“If you value your life,
You’ll keep that damned tongue of yours in!”

Congratulations to Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A gal who was partial to gin
Eschewed food and soon grew very thin.
Her early demise
Was not a surprise.
She sipped from a straw and fell in.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mark Megson, Kathy El-Assal, Robert Schechter, Craig Dykstra, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Mark Megson:

A gal who was partial to gin
Drank dry every bar she was in.
She’d drink without tonic
At speeds supersonic,
And boy did the bartenders grin.

Kathy El-Assal:

A woman was partial to gin,
Bridge, canasta: her drive was to win.
A game of strip poker–
Now that nearly broke her–
Reduced her to panties and skin.

Robert Schechter:

A man who was partial to gin
Said, “The thing is that when I begin
I find I can’t stop
Till the world is a top
And I’m dizzily watching it spin.”

Craig Dykstra:

A gal who was partial to gin,
‘Cause it gave her a license to sin,
Finally gave up on men,
And swore “Never again!”
Since the last one turned out to be kin.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A gal who was partial to gin
Played often, but she couldn’t win.
So her boyfriend, a joker,
Suggested strip poker.
With just a few hands he was in.

Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty:

A man who was partial to gin
Performed a contortionist spin.
When asked how he stuck it,
Said “I’m from Nantucket,”
And flashed a lascivious grin.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Nabbed By A Typo (Limerick)

Thursday, March 8th, 2012

A teachable moment: When committing crimes, be sure to use spell-check:

Nabbed By A Typo (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man may end up in a cell
Cuz his parking permit had a tell:
There was one extra letter
In “parking.” It’s better
When forging to learn how to spell.

(This is based on an actual news story: A driver in Hoboken, New Jersey forged a parking permit on his home computer. He might have even gotten away with his scam, had he not spelled “parking” as “parkting.”)

Ginning Up Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, March 4th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s who won last week.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man who was partial to gin…*

or

A gal who was partial to gin…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Ginning Up Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man who was partial to gin
Played it often and tended to win.
When encouraged to switch
And play poker, he’d bitch:
“Gin is wholesome, but poker’s a sin.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (51)

Sunday, March 4th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Was a-ponderin’ Newt, Mitt, and Rick:
“Which-a these millionaires
Can pretend that he cares
About me? That’s the slicker I’ll pick.”

Today I’m introducing a new and experimental award category: Congratulations to Mark Kane who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow who looked like a hick,
Was making his play with some chick.
He said “Babe don’t be nervous,
I’m here for your service,
And I promise I’ll never be quick.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Neal Pattison, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Linda Evans Hofke, Ira Bloom, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Neal Pattison:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Built a privy of mortar and brick.
When he bragged to his kin,
6 or 7 moved in.
Now they do 1 and 2 in the crick.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Was adept with the carrot and stick;
“On the hill in DC
Was the college,” said he,
“Where I learned this political trick.”

Linda Evans Hofke:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Met up with a rich city chick.
He thought “No Chance In Hell”
With this mademoiselle,
But it turned out that opposites click.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who looked like a hick,
Was defamed in an internet trick,
With no shred of decorum.
(Just google “santorum,”
To see what they said about Rick!)

Johanna Richmond:

Santorum says (aping a hick):
Education is merely a trick
To indoctrinate all;
What he means is “The gall
Of you joining our one percent clique!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter.

Thanks!

Queasy About Quaterns

Thursday, March 1st, 2012

Every once in a while I like to experiment with a new (to me) form. Today, it’s the quatern.

Writer’s Digest’s Poetic Asides Blog, which is holding a quatern contest, describes the form as follows:

Quatern Poetic Form Rules

1. This poem has 16 lines broken up into 4 quatrains (or 4-line stanzas).
2. Each line is comprised of eight syllables.
3. The first line is the refrain. In the second stanza, the refrain appears in the second line; in the third stanza, the third line; in the fourth stanza, the fourth (and final) line.
4. There are no rules for rhyming or iambics.

Here’s the quatern I submitted to WD’s contest:

Queasy About Quaterns
By Madeleine Begun Kane

As I attempt to write this verse,
I must confess I start to curse.
A quatern is what’s been assigned.
Already I am in a bind.

I feel confused and somewhat terse,
As I attempt to write this verse.
So please forgive me if I whine.
My limericks are where I shine.

I’d like to stop, but can’t refrain
From trying this quatern again.
As I attempt to write this verse,
I fear that it is getting worse.

I’m tempted to reject this form.
About its rules I feel lukewarm.
I’m getting ill. I need a nurse,
As I attempt to write this verse.