Archive for June, 2018

What Me? A Stickler?

Wednesday, June 20th, 2018

With language I’ve never been fickle,
But when told that I frequently stickle,
As I fight over usage
And language-abusage,
I’ll deny it as any tough chick’ll.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WEAK or WEEK at the end of any one line

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

SCHEDULING NOTE: There’s a slight chance that the next (late June) Limerick-Off) might be delayed. If so, I’ll update the title of this post. As for why, my sample limerick below explains all.

And now, it’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WEAK or WEEK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to VISION or EYES, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best vision/eye-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 24, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 23, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

My first cataract op is this week.
(It appears that my eyes are antique.)
If it all goes sublimely,
My posts will be timely.
If not, I shall shriek a blue streak.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (299)

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:

“Though we used to be cannibals – vile!
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”

Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:

As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”

Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
Surely I won’t be sad,
’Cause my next wives are certain to rock.”

Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
His deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
He’s not really to blame;
He inherited Donald’s IQ.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

Raising children is often a trial,
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while;
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file.

Sharon Neeman:

A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.

Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a GIF
And the heels as a video file.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Philanderer Phineas Phial
Is a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog is training,
He’s never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”

Bob Dvorak:

I write limericks once in a while,
Trying hard to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.

Byron Miller:

When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.

Tim James:

He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.

Steve Whitred:

There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while;
They all scan pretty well,
But they’re blander than hell.
So they’re tossed in the circular file.

Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:

Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the dental technician
And rules of nutrition!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!

Dave Johnson:

Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.

Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…

Lisi Nortman:

My toddler’s extremely cute,
And we’ve never had any dispute,
But she talks a blue streak,
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says “mute.”

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But our Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)

Brian Allgar:

“This parenting sometimes can vex,”
She complained, “when you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I have to say, Oedipus wrecks.”

Dave Johnson:

With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.

Tony Holmes:

Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
’Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.

Tim James:

My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Plumber vs. Lawyer (Humor Column)

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

People think lawyers have a built-in edge – an advantage which helps them cope with, and even avoid, life’s little difficulties.

Take plumbing, for example. To most people, a lawyer is an easy match for even the craftiest plumber. And if something does go wrong, so what? At least lawyers can visit legal vengeance, without going broke paying the price of justice.

Consequently, if a lawyer is victimized by a plumber, and is foolish enough to admit it, she shouldn’t expect anything resembling sympathy. Scorn is more like it, with a bit of barely hidden pleasure thrown in.

Her listeners may chuckle at her misadventures, and possibly pretend to sympathize. But what are they really doing? They’re crossing her off their list of lawyers. After all, any attorney who can’t hold her own against a plumber, can’t be much of a lawyer, right? Well not necessarily, but more on that later.

As you may have guessed by now, I’m one of those lawyers who have suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous plumbing bills. I’ve also made the mistake of telling non-lawyers about my woes. Here’s their reaction:

“What’s your problem? You could always sue the guy.”
“You of all people should have known better.Why didn’t you get it in writing?”
“Why didn’t you check him out first?”

Now that’s what I call sympathy!

These are all good questions, of course. At least in theory. But what happens in the real world when you try to take a lawyerly approach to plumbing transactions? It doesn’t work – that’s what happens.

Sure, you can solicit references and letters of recommendation. You can call the Better Business Bureau and check the local courthouse to see who has lost the most lawsuits. These are all good ideas – I recommend them highly.

Unless of course your living room cushions are acting as flotation devices.

But if time is of the essence, and it almost always is when it comes to plumbing, you go directly to Step Two. You leave messages on every plumber’s answering machine within a 30 mile radius. Then you wait for the phone to ring.

How do you pick your plumber? It’s simple. The first one to call back, show up and actually agree to do the job some time this century, is clearly your man.

Price? References? Qualifications? Get real! If a warm body with some tools walks through that door, grab him. Even if he does demand your first born and your left arm as part of his fee.

Now that you’ve found someone who isn’t booked up until the year 2000, then what? Being a trained professional, you ask for a written estimate, right? Naturally he’ll be glad to give you one, once he’s had a chance to check out the problem.

Well that certainly sounds reasonable. Except for one thing. In order to check out the problem he has to find the problem, right? Somehow, this always involves drilling several pre-estimate holes through your plaster kitchen ceiling.

You now have an unusable bathroom and a ravaged kitchen, and you’re still awaiting that estimate. But that’s okay. He’ll be glad to recommend a plasterer.

Hours go by, and your plumber is still narrowing down the problem. You watch him, and try to decide whether he knows what he’s doing. This is quite amusing because you wouldn’t recognize a wrench if you tripped over it.

You can’t postpone going to the office any longer. So you give up awaiting the elusive estimate and leave this complete stranger alone in your house with all your worldly possessions.

Rational? No. Lawyerlike? Certainly not. But it’s either that, or become a plumber’s apprentice, and frankly, you’re not qualified.

Now that I’ve told my plumbing tale in public, I’ll surely never get another legal client. But that’s okay. It’s probably time to think about going into another line of work.

I’m not certain what I want to do, but I understand that plumbers are rather well paid. And I’m getting pretty handy with a plunger.

*****

(This column was published in Hysteria Magazine, way back when I was a baby humor columnist.)