Posts Tagged ‘Sharon Neeman’

Limerick-Off Award (445)

Saturday, June 6th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

As her dance reached its physical peak,
Her kid brother called out this critique:
“Swing your butt side to side
In an arc high and wide!”
Yes, the twerp thinks her twerk needs a tweak.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special RUDENESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

While tending a gardening chore,
A T-shirt is all that he wore.
His bent-over stance
Drew a passerby’s glance;
An asshole she tried to ignore.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Wayne Feder, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RUDENESS LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

There’s a woman in Queens, have you guessed?
Puts our limerick skills to the test.
If at her you feel pique
Or the urge to critique,
Just remember she’s doing her best.

So don’t gripe, grumble, grouse, and don’t brood.
Don’t be churlish, self-centered, or rude.
I must say this because
We all love what she does
And don’t like when her good work is booed.

Sharon Neeman:

As the lockdown relaxes this week,
My gray hair’s sticking up in a peak,
All my frocks are too tight,
My complexion’s a fright,
And I haven’t a shred of mystique.

It’s all true, I admit it — but, dude,
Did you honestly buy me a snood?
And what’s THIS thing — a sack?
That’s no dress! Take it back…
No, you KNOW what? Go pack! You’re too rude!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

“Kiss my ass!” Peter shrieked in fake pique.
So obligingly, Mel, who is meek.
Felt compelled to submit
And to lick it a bit–
Unaware it was all “tongue in cheek.”

Steve Whitred:

Well, I once had a fling with a freak,
And her fetish was fairly unique;
She was awesome in bed,
But what filled me with dread
Was when Polly her parrot would peek.

Cuz, not only did Pollyanne peek,
But my paramour taught her to speak.
She’d say “Squack!” And “Oh blast
Don’t you want this to last?”
And, “I’m not touching that with my beak!”

Lisi Nortman:

On our drive, things were suddenly bleak.
I started to shake and felt weak,
Cuz we noticed a sign
That said, “Crafts By Design,”
Then heard, “Honey, let’s take a quick peek.”

Dave Johnson:

Pelosi unleashed a critique;
That Trump was just wimpy and weak.
On Twitter she found
That her message was sound;
She’d climbed to the top of his pique.

Tim James:

I’m a Luddite, a lazy old chap.
High-tech smart phones? I don’t give a rap.
But my int’rest would peak
If some talented geek
Wrote a program to download a nap.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Grab a Bible, a church, and a cop,
And a camouflage outfit — chop-chop!”
When they heard Kushner speak —
His excitement at peak —
They all knew that it meant Photo Op!

Will T. Laughlin:

From his bunker, King Trump risks a peek…
Then utters a terrified shriek:
“The election’s suspended!
Democracy’s ended!
I just saw a PROTESTOR! Eeek!!”

Brian Allgar:

Donald’s mood is far worse than mere pique;
He’s so angry, he barely can speak.
“I rely on Fox guys
To support all my lies,
But they said something TRUTHFUL this week!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDENESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

My life is much better, I find,
If I’m courteous, thoughtful and kind.
You, who label me rude:
Shove your dumb attitude
Up your BIG STUPID STINKY BEHIND.

Brian Allgar:

I’d invited a girl home to “play,”
And it should have been my lucky day.
She was nude, she was rude,
But she never got screwed,
Since I had to stay six feet away.

Tim James:

“Open up!” screams the mob, right on cue,
And they really don’t care whom they screw.
They’re aggressive and rude
’Cause they want sit-down food
Plus a haircut, massage, and tattoo.

Wayne Feder:

When Trump’s at the journalists’ throats,
Or getting the med experts’ goats,
Is his rudeness the work
Of a maniacal jerk?
Or is Donald just sowing his oats?

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said the Judge, “You’re an impudent floozy —
A churlish, impertinent doozy!”
“Do go on,” said the wench
While she stood at the bench.
“As compliments go, I ain’t choosy.”

Tony Holmes:

“Quite apart from the fact that you’re crude,
That your speech is with expletives strewed,
What has irked me the most
Is contempt for our host,
And cavorting around in the nude!”

Dave Johnson:

Alexa’s new skill will include
An effort to lighten the mood:
Proclaiming her stress
With the buttons you press;
“Don’t touch me there – you are so rude!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Off with their heads!” screamed the Queen.
Cried Alice, “That’s mean and obscene!”
“No, it’s not — it’s just rude,
’Cause I’m in a bad mood.
You should see what gets lopped when I’m mean.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (444)

Saturday, May 9th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
Showing street crime diminished by half:
“Now that all my marks hide
Under masks when outside,
If I say ‘Stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special CHALLENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

During Scrabble a challenge is heard,
But a penalty won’t be incurred;
The letter formation
Receives vindication,
’Cause the player’s as good as his word.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

The challenge was born on a dare;
That couple would screw in mid-air.
Their skydiving hump
After making the jump;
An aerial tryst then and there.

Connected, they dropped from the plane;
Then banging like they were insane.
Their downward descent
Was a naughty event,
Unfolding above the terrain.

The landing was soft in the end;
But maybe the start of a trend.
“Fantastic!” they said;
“Way more fun than in bed;
The next time, we’re bringing a friend.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Will T. Laughlin, Patrice Stewart, Steven Frakt, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Daisy Hyrkas. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHALLENGES LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

It’s a challenge to stand by the side
Of a guy whose cerebrum is fried.
Take a bow, Dr. Fauci;
Try not to be grouchy.
Don’t fret; it’s not you we deride.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME DIVISION)

Steve Whitred:

In Canada people are smart;
Public health measures taken to heart,
Like the rule that’s applied
When we’re working outside:
“Stay a caribou’s distance apart.”

Brian Allgar:

Donald Trump takes extravagant pride
In his intellect. “Can’t be denied,
I’m incredibly smart!
My IQ’s off the chart –
See, that’s me, on the far left-hand side.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My owner and I used to nuzzle,
But not any more, (what a puzzle!)
At first I just sighed,
Then I broke down and cried…
And also he’s stolen my muzzle.

Will T. Laughlin:

“War President!” Turgid with pride,
Trump trumpets the words far and wide.
But no leader before
In the time of a war
Chose to fight on the enemy’s side.

Patrice Stewart:

’Twas a challenge to turn on her side,
As the double bed wasn’t that wide.
But she lifted one thigh,
Rolled and caught him – first try,
And their passion would not be denied.

Steve Frakt:

The sad chicken just sat there and cried;
Couldn’t cross to the road’s other side.
Though this tale may evoke
The world’s oldest joke,
That highway was just too damn wide.

Tim James:

If there’s one thing I cannot abide
It’s to “shelter in place” (i.e., hide.)
I endure this bad dream
With a pint of ice cream
And an order of fries on the side.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Donald Trump with Mike Pence at his side
Gives new meaning to Jekyll and Hyde.
No, wait – that’s too kind,
So if you don’t mind,
Let’s go with Godzilla and Bride.

Steve Whitred:

On the PornHub she’s kinky and brave.
She has fetishes; master and slave,
Sixty-nine or astride,
On their knees or their side…
But that maskless taboo is her fave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHALLENGES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I’m tensing my muscles with dread
As I think of the challenge ahead.
I push through the hurt,
All my strength to exert —
And… I’VE DONE IT! I got out of bed.

Sharon Neeman:

Although challenges surely abound,
I’m determined to win in this round —
Not just vanquish the tomb
Using masks, soap and Zoom,
But avoid even one extra pound.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“I am speaking to you on behalf
Of the President’s bumbling staff.
The challenge today
Is to hear what he’ll say,
And the winner’s the one who won’t laugh.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s a challenge to follow this credo:
“When in public don’t flaunt your libido.”
But now that our tasks
Involve wearing masks,
We can flaunt all we want incognito!

Will T. Laughlin:

From watching Trump’s briefings, we’ve seen
The infection is deadly and mean.
Though the threat is severe,
We’ll defeat it — no fear!
(Then go on to fight COVID-19…)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The challenge is how to stay fit;
My muscle tone’s taken a hit.
I lay in my bed
And remain in my head.
In other words, I don’t do shit.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (443)

Saturday, April 25th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

After thinking about it, I choose
To accept that Corona’s no ruse.
Why is that? I’ll explain:
I’ve a functioning brain.
Right-wing refuse I firmly refuse.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special PLAN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The romantic encounter he’d planned
Turned out to be way less than grand.
As things went awry,
He was left with “Goodbye…”
Along with “Hello Mr. Hand.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Wayne Feder, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FUSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PLAN LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“To ensure my election success,
There’s a thing that I plan to suppress –
Postal voting! I’d lose,
So I’m gonna refuse
Any bailout for USPS.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

“I’m planning a dinner,” said she;
“How very delightful!” said we,
“But the rules in the news
Say we have to refuse…”
“No,” she shrugged, “it’s just ramen, for me.”

Steve Whitred:

What a mystery needs is some clues,
And what dynamite needs is a fuse.
Coming later this Fall,
For the sake of us all:
What the GOP needs is to lose.

Susan Settje:

Gone are days when the only fake news
Was in tabloids and meant to amuse;
When Cronkite and Rather
Didn’t simper or blather
Or tell lies that are meant to confuse.

Wayne Feder:

Some folks are just learning the news
That Trump has a very short fuse.
It shouldn’t surprise;
Just look at the size
Of his hands and his very small shoes.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Another acrostic? Admit:
When it comes to this task, you’re unfit.
For your own good, refuse,”
Uttered one honest Muse.
Look, you’re bad at this, REALLY. Now quit.”

Jean McEwen:

Several months ago, Carnival Cruise
Had a deal that we couldn’t refuse.
But I fear the damn virus
Will, sadly, require us
To bail (and fend off those “ah-choos.”)

Steve Whitred:

Told the barkeep some humorous news,
And she listened; she couldn’t refuse.
But instead of applause
Giggles, grins, or guffaws,
All I got from the barmaid was booze.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PLAN LIMERICK DIVISION)

John Shardlow:

From a Potus who rates himself ‘great,’
This plan ought to carry some weight:
For Covid infection,
A Clorox injection.
Make sure that his jacket is ‘strait.’

Sharon Neeman:

On “Dancing with Stars” Jim had fans,
But an accident ruined his plans.
Hearing “Rrrrrrip!” in the final,
He found his tights (vinyl)
Were really his dance partner Ann’s.

Steve Whitred:

“For the people”, Ms. Harris began,
And Ms. Warren said “I have a plan.”
Amy Klobs made a plea,
But what scuttled all three
Was that none of these gals is a man.

Tim James:

He had planned on a cruise, the poor schlub.
Then the virus came. Ay, there’s the rub.
He is now quite bereft.
There’s but one option left:
That’s to play with toy boats in the tub.

Roger Haugen:

While thinking deep thoughts on the can,
He delivered himself of a plan:
He’d leave his old wife
To start a new life
And indulge in his yen for Japan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Here is something to do when depressed:
Make nice plans, so you won’t feel distressed.
But remember, my friend,
I do recommend
That at some point, you need to get dressed.

Tim James, for his “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.”

When my limerick effort began —
On this man, the canal, and his plan —
I emitted a curse
While constructing the verse:
That damn palindrome just wouldn’t scan.

Tim Gray:

If you think that you can’t, you are right.
Of this fact you must never lose sight.
The obvious plan
Is to think that you can,
And the chances increase that you might.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (442)

Saturday, April 11th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Social distancing now is my thing.
I’ve a mask I secure with a string.
But until there’s a cure,
With my hands I’m unsure:
Should I sanitize, wash, or just wring?

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Fearful rabbis declare we’ll be dead
If we celebrate Pesach with bread.
I say: “God has more sense
(Well, He must; He’s not Pence…);
Can He kill superstition instead?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Susan Settje, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Thomas Vincent, Tony Holmes, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RING/WRING” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FEAR LIMERICKS)

Susan Settje:

We know Stoker and Lovecraft and King.
We’ve seen Jackson and Poe do their thing.
Lock the door, dim the light,
And prepare for a fright,
For ev’ry last quiver they’ll wring.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Shouted Thal, “I’ve invented the ring!”
Said Neander, “Go hide that damn thing.
Chiseled rocks with round holes —
What if one of them rolls?
Thal, I fear what the future will bring!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RING/WRING” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A boxer with insight to spare
Fought a bout, then was heard to declare:
“It’s a curious thing.
We all call this a ‘ring’ —
So why is it shaped like a square?”

David Reddekopp:

There once was a man from Quebec,
Who proposed to his girl on the deck.
What he brought, for the bling,
Was a cheap plastic ring,
So the girl started wringing his neck.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The mini-bar’s stocked with libation;
The fluffed pillows suggest hibernation;
There’s a bell I can ring
Should I need anything.
Who will answer? Just me on staycation.

Thomas Vincent:

Said a wizened prize fighter named Bing,
“You can cover your body with bling.
But it won’t change a thing,
If you ain’t got no swing;
They’ll be carting you out of the ring.”

Tony Holmes:

My new girl is an old-fashioned thing
And as such, is averse to a fling.
She will kiss – and we pet,
But no nookie: “Not yet!
If you want me, just give me a ring.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A loud voice to the chorus he’ll bring,
But his notes have a flat, hollow ring:
“Dough dough dough!” – out they roll,
“Me me me!” — but where’s soul?
So I tune out when Trump starts to sing.

Tim James:

A soprano, a devious thing,
Was a part of a criminal ring.
She got busted, but knew
How to rat out her crew;
So when questioned, she started to sing.

Roger Haugen:

They conducted a passionate fling
That lasted through most of the Spring;
“I’m pregnant,” she cried,
He laughed and replied,
“I suppose you’re expecting a ring?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“I’m pregnant! I’m frightened to tell
My old man – he’ll be angry as hell!”
“Just lie to the guy –
Say an angel stopped by,
And some Heavenly Spirit as well.”

Dale S. Biggs:

Said a priest to his flock, “Never fear…
For to God you are precious and dear.
Though a pain in the ass,
COVID-19 will pass–
With assistance from pizza and beer.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Now folks, let me say something brief
’Bout my honest and solid belief:
Let your fright disappear;
There is nothing to fear…
(Except the “Commander-In-Chief.”)

Brian Allgar:

Am I writing a foul villanelle? No!
A pantoum or a French kyrielle? No!
These forms simply suck;
Compared to such muck,
Do limericks frighten me? Hell, no!

Dave Johnson:

It has now become perfectly clear
That our nation has plenty to fear.
To fuel our demise,
Trump incessantly lies
While nitwit Repugnicans cheer.

David Reddekopp:

With a bellow that sounds insincere
Says the Prez: “Lo, the Donald is here!
With the brains that I bring
I will fix everything!”
Mr. Trump, that is what we all fear.

Steve Whitred:

In those horror films, girls are dispatched,
But I’ve never thought I would get snatched,
Cuz their endings get met
In a lingerie set,
Whereas none of my underwear’s matched.

Steve Benko:

Until now, I quite happily paid
When the need would arise to get laid.
With protection, the risk
Was just slipping a disc,
But mere breathing now makes me afraid.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (441)

Saturday, March 28th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Just the thought of my girlfriend’s name, Iris,
Freaks me out in this time of the virus.
I know it’s not fair,
But I’m filled with despair,
And of Iris, no longer desirous.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special SCAM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“We must cut Covid numbers by half!”
Warned the head of Trump’s Re-elect Staff.
“Just give me a minute,”
Said Donald. “I’ll spin it–
Now hand me that Sharpie and graph.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAIR or FARE or AFFAIR” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

His blind date was an awkward affair.
They had said, “She has brains; she has flair
And, by God, can she sing!”
The unfortunate thing:
She looked much more like Sonny than Cher.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Got a dog for my wife at “Town Square.”
It’s a dachshund with black and white hair.
He sits and he stays
And always obeys.
I must say that the trade was quite fair.

Dave Johnson:

The film was a sexy affair;
It’s actors were chosen with care.
But one would resist
As she tried to insist
Her partner was too hard to bare.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Life was more than Rapunzel could bear.
From her tower she cried, “It’s not fair!
I’m expecting the Prince,
But I’ve run out of rinse,
And I can’t do a thing with my hair!”

Tim James:

Debussy wrote a piece called “La Mer”
(Which is French for “The Sea,” if you care.)
When I first heard it played,
The impression it made
Was so real that I tossed that night’s fare.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCAM LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

First he swore we would have a great time,
But he fleeced me of every last dime.
Then I found I was sick —
Not just COVID, but tick-
Borne disease… yes, Corona with Lyme.

Brian Allgar:

I was broke till last summer, but since,
I’ve grown rich. Here’s a couple of hints
For a scheme that can’t fail:
Offer money by mail,
And pretend you’re an African prince.

Tim James:

Charles Ponzi let pyramids crash.
Michael Milken sold bonds that were trash.
S&L mogul Keating
Got busted for cheating,
And Bernie Madoff with the cash.

Steve Whitred:

Blah, blah, blah, [insert word salad here.]
Blah, blah, blah, you have nothing to fear.
It’s a scam. It’s a hoax.
Let’s get back to work folks.
Kiss your Granny while you can still see ’er.

Steve Benko:

When I heard of Nigerian oil,
It sounded according to Hoyle.
Turns out I got fleeced,
But when mad I’m a beast;
As a hit man I’ve hired a mohel.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (337)

Saturday, February 1st, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Ray’s vineyard has gotten much praise,
Although wine’s not produced there these days;
A sweet treat’s all the craze,
Eaten so many ways,
As Ray’s raisins are raised by sun’s rays.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

As a girl she had studied ballet,
And she practiced her moves ev’ry day.
As she bent to that task,
Other children would ask:
“Can Anna come out and plié?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, William Preston, Sharon Neeman, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Daisy Hyrkas, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DANCE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

When we’re dancing, her eyes tend to glaze,
And I bask in their soft, dreamy rays –
Till I tread on her toes!
Then the swearwords she knows
Would outclass all the oaths in Roget’s.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

On Twitter Real Don would repeat
Nasty words he picked up on the street;
He’d use them to raze
Reputations, most days,
Then most nights beat a hasty retweet.

William Preston:

Though the sun and the moon have their rays,
One works nights, and the other works days.
Said the sun to the moon,
“Now, don’t set in a swoon,
But your rays are just merely a phase.”

Brian Allgar:

Once again, I am utterly pissed
By the rhyme-words that “Rhyme Word” has missed.
Disbelieving, I gaze
At the entries for ‘raise,’
But ‘erase’ can’t be found in their list.

Sharon Neeman:

Though the poker joint’s no-smoke these days,
It once reeked of old cigarette haze —
Till the day that Big Mabel
Tipped over the table
And cried, “I can’t see; I won’t raise!”

Byron Miller:

It’s regrettable we’ve had to raze
All your cities to naught but a haze,
But Commander-in-Chief
Loves his burgers of beef
And the cattle need grassland to graze.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My surgeon I’m happy to praise;
He is brilliant in so many ways.
His name’s “Doc Lapoint.”
He replaced my sore joint
And deserves lots of Hip Hip Hoo Rays!

Tony Holmes:

When a winsome young ewe takes his eye,
Farmer Grout isn’t one to be shy.
By the Moon’s eerie rays,
In the old-fashioned ways,
He romances the ‘lass’ on the sly.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DANCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

The bar on the corner was grand;
You could dance to a real decent band —
Till the barmaid, no sport,
Took the owner to court
For misuse of a too-frisky hand.

Lisi Nortman, for her Hokey Pokey:

First the right foot went in and then out.
At our parties, the kids had no doubt
That the left foot was next —
Never made us perplexed,
And that’s what it all was about.

Daisy Hyrkas:

I stood on the edge of the chair,
Gave a kick and I danced in mid-air.
As I struggled and fought,
An irrelevant thought:
There’s hair on my legs. I need Nair.

Roger Haugen:

Embraced in a slow sexy dance,
She slid her warm hand down his pants;
The cannon was loaded
And promptly exploded–
So much for a one-shot romance.

Lisi Nortman:

When you dance, you must stay with the beat.
It’s the rhythm that makes it so sweet:
It’s “a one an a two,”
Really easy to do,
And sort of like lim’riks for feet.

Dave Johnson:

Some people, convinced they can dance,
Are nothing but preening and prance.
Their singular flair:
Waving hands in the air;
As bad as Sean Spicer? No chance!

Fred Bortz:

He argues as if we are twits.
His dance tears all reason to bits.
His Twist and his Mash
Transform logic to hash,
So we call it the Dersho-half-witz.

Brian Allgar:

She can do an incredible tango,
And wait till you see her fandango!
All this, if you please,
While she grips with her knees
An enormously fat, juicy mango.

Tony Holmes:

“If we dance in the old-fashioned way,
I might mount an unwelcome display.
Should you happen to feel
What I fail to conceal,
And you find it distracting, please say.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (331)

Saturday, September 28th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Simply nothing will ever surpass
The laughs when I took my whole class
To the zoo; found a note
From a very cute goat
Saying, “Hey guys, ya got any grass?”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special GRAMMAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Steve Benko, Bindy Bitterman, Tony Holmes, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammuh,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote —
The hurricane hit Alabama!”

Lisi Nortman:

Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
And karefully wrote:
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE.”

Sharon Neeman:

Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram,
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.

A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog.
Am I writing too subtle a dig?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained everything hitting that note.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”

Steve Benko:

“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”

Bindy Bitterman:

When he slipped something into her tote,
She hoped for a sweet, loving note.
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about:
’Twas only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!

Tim James:

With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
’Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)

Tony Holmes:

An Italian tenor of note
Would, at times, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.

Brian Allgar:

The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed,
With a brain so acute
That there’s just no dispute.
(And now I’ll recite one allowed.)

Jean McEwen:

Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.

Steve Benko:

I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.

Bindy Bitterman:

Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead.
But what I done instead —
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!

Konrad Schwoerke:

A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (330)

Saturday, September 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Nitroglycerin’s touchy, although
It’s quite safe in the hands of a pro.
Which I am. So don’t fret;
I’ve had no problems yet.
I’ve no fear it will ever explo―

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INTERNET HAZARD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You ask, “Why does Donald use Twitter
To govern?” Well, what could be fitter?
With his phone on his lap,
He can spew out some crap,
While the rest of it goes in the shitter.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tanja Cilia, Suzanne Heymann, Mike Moulton, John Shardlow, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PRO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

In translation, I’ve earned my good name;
I have reaped recognition and fame —
Ah, but even a pro
Can be dealt a grave blow
By an innocent Internet game:

“Only 10,000 words for today?
Fine! I’ll just take a moment to play…”
But those “moments” can cost —
No words done! Six hours lost!
And now all I can say is “Oy, vey.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRO” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

At a high-school debate long ago,
My opponent, alas, didn’t show,
But I was unfazed
And the crowd was amazed
As I argued both sides, con and pro.

Tim James:

His writing was that of a pro ―
A bit morbid and skin-crawly, though.
Talking birds, howling cats:
Stuff like that is just bats!
(A description that’s most aproPoe.)

Dave Johnson:

Some people are wearing GoPro;
Real handy for filming a show.
But here’s where its charm
Might be viewed with alarm:
Not turning it off when you go.

Tanja Cilia:

I bought a palatial chateau
For a long-lasting tryst with my beau.
But the plumbing was bust;
There was mold, rot, and dust,
And the place was all cons and no pro.

Dave Johnson:

My Labor Day burgers will show
I’m running the grill like a pro.
But knobs turned in vain
Showed a lack of propane;
It’s off to McDonald’s we go.

Suzanne Heymann:

If a worker says “Oops!” or “Oh no!”
Or appears to be nervous or slow,
Gives you sass or acts crass,
Has the brass to pass gas,
You can bet your sweet ass he’s no pro.

Mike Moulton:

One ev’ning, Melania said, “No,
My headaches do trouble me so,
And the baby won’t sleep.
Your urges will keep.”
Said Donald, “I‘ll hire a pro.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICK DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Her message exclaimed, “You’re so hot!”
I was flattered. I said, “Thanks a lot!”
We chatted. I fell
Quite under her spell
Till I learned it was love at first bot.

John Shardlow:

I’ve heard from an African Prince
Who’s doing his best to convince
Me to share in his wealth
And transfer by stealth
Dirty money he’s trying to rinse.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The Internet sure does “entice.”
(I’m obsessed with my wondrous device.)
But when networking broke,
I went downstairs and spoke
To my fam’ly; they seem really nice.

Fred Bortz:

The virus arrived undetected
In a message I never suspected.
The disguise was so slick.
All it took was one click.
My computer’s now sick. I’m infected!

Dave Johnson:

Some people we happened to meet
From an Airbnb up the street
Were full of despair;
Zero linens in there.
That really did happen – no sheet.

Sharon Neeman:

A Facebook ad showed Jim a blouse
That he thought he should buy for his spouse:
“She’s size ‘M'” — but what came
In the mail (to his shame)
Would have fit on an av’rage-sized mouse.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (324)

Saturday, June 15th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

An airliner flushing its can
Flew over a sports-loving man.
While watching the game,
Through his roof it all came;
And that’s how the shit hit the fan.

(Dave notes that this actually happened during a 1992 Seahawks/Raiders game.)

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special PEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Before you kill rodents, it’s best
To consider who’s host and who’s guest.
From their point of view
It’s most certainly true
That you and not they are the pest.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Charles Mousseau, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Ailsa McKillop, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Miller, Roger Haugen, and Bruce McGuffin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PEST LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

I bought and installed a big fan.
“Keeps mosquitoes away,” said the man.
They were false guarantees,
For the pests loved the breeze,
And the bloodsucking banquet began.

Brian Allgar:

Said an angry, disgruntled ex-fan:
“That swamp-draining promise? Oh, man!
Instead of de-pested,
The swamp’s more infested
Than even the day you began!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Charles Mousseau:

“I’m sweltering on this divan;
Swirl the air just as fast as you can,”
She begged of her friend,
Who declined in the end,
With “I’m sorry; I’m just not a fan.”

Sharon Neeman:

An autograph-seeker named Stan
To invade a star’s flat had a plan:
He had come there, said he,
“To replace your A/C” —
Which made sense, because Stan was a fan.

Tim James:

Herb the gardener couldn’t abide
That he got no sweet love from his bride.
She hooked up with a man
Who’s a big oral fan.
Consequently, she tossed Herbicide.

Robert Schechter:

In twenty-sixteen when he ran,
The fall of our nation began.
The fires of hate
Did NOT make us great
But consumed us as Trump held the fan.

Ailsa McKillop, who notes that this is a true story about thinking one’s found a fellow Gilbert & Sullivan enthusiast:

The ticket evoked old Japan;
A geisha it showed, with a fan.
“‘The Mikado!’ The best!”
But the judge said: “You jest!
It’s Puccini, La Scala, Milan.”

Fred Bortz:

On his feet sore from bone spurs, he ran
From that war. (He was never a fan.)
An excuse, finely crafted,
Meant Trump wasn’t drafted,
And taught him that lies make the man.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PEST LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Settle down! It is only a roach!
Just do this: As he makes his approach
Up your thigh toward your tush,
And then heads for your bush,
Grab the Raid Spray and dole out a dose!

Sharon Neeman:

Not the blood, not the frogs, not the lice,
Nor wild beasts and diseases not nice,
Could faze Pharaoh — but when
He hit Plague #10,
He grew weary of paying the price.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

With pests that are big, you say, “SHOO,”
But when they are small, that’s not true;
In our water bed we
Thought there might be a flea
When we noticed a tiny canoe.

David Miller:

I have smoked hairy spiders and slugs.
I have snorted crushed beetles off rugs.
I’ve injected some bees
And I’ve popped lots of fleas.
Yes I should have just said “no” to bugs.

Tim James:

I once knew a fellow named Riley
Whose bosses regarded him highly.
I thought him a pest
’Cause of what he did best:
Kissing management’s butts very slyly.

Roger Haugen:

The cops made a slew of arrests
In notorious criminal nests;
When asked why the fuss,
The Chief said “That’s us–
“We detest those pestiferous pests.”

Bruce McGuffin:

I’m a garrulous poetry rogue on
My way to verse worse than a Vogon.
My iambs suggest
Out-of-whack anapest.
Would it help if I put a fake brogue on?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Who thought of the words “Pest Control?”
I think they are laughingly droll.
With these bugs I’m not thrilled,
And I just want them killed,
But to govern them isn’t my role.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (323)

Saturday, June 1st, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to HILDY ZAMPELLA, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Each evening, as darkness approaches,
See them scurry about, all the roaches.
What a friendly old dump;
Even rats nice and plump
Come on out just to say “buenas noches.”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Cuisine-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend and I in the kitchen
Make a sauce that we both find bewitchin’.
In this recipe French
She behaves like a wench,
And I peel off her layers of stitchin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Kim Norman, Dave Johnson, Bruce McGuffin, David Friedman, and John Edwards. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DUMP” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He placed his gargantuan rump
On the solid-gold toilet. Said Trump,
On inspecting the haul,
“That’s the greatest of all!
Bette Davis was right: What a dump!”

Sharon Neeman:

As we jogged down the street past the dump,
I heard a most ominous thump:
The stench of decay
Made my partner first sway,
Then stagger, then fall on his rump.

Jean McEwen:

I have frequently wondered how Trump,
Who, possessed of a sizable rump
And comportment so haughty,
Approaches the potty
When driven to take a large dump.

Tim James:

A guy who was dumb as a stump
Took his gal to a landfill to hump.
She had too much panache
To make love among trash.
The result: he got dumped at the dump.

Tim Gray:

The Tower of one Mr. Trump
Is having a bit of a slump.
Tenant treatment’s appalling,
And values are falling.
Is it slowly becoming a dump?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CUISINE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When dining in China, I’m faced
With a quandary: Whether to taste
The still-squiggling fish
That they’ll plop on my dish,
Or head for McDonald’s post-haste.

Lisi Nortman:

Eating “whole foods” and seeds made me quake.
Grains and seaweed sure gave me an ache.
And when I first tried flax
I just couldn’t relax;
Turning vegan was one huge missed steak!

Sharon Neeman:

Mark looked at her glass and said “Gad!
What an awful drink YOU almost had!
The French may cook frogs;
Balinese may roast dogs —
But you just can’t drink ladybugs*, Mad!”

* And yes, I came very close to swallowing a ladybug. Fortunately, I noticed it swimming in my glass of water, just as I was about to take a large sip.

Kirk Miller:

By making some food in a flurry,
The cook got a raise in a hurry
From her Indian boss
For a fabulous sauce.
And she did it by favoring curry.

Kim Norman:

When people go vegan, they shout it.
Their food’s never butchered; they sprout it.
With tofu and grains,
They’ve unfettered their veins.
If only they’d shut up about it!

Dave Johnson:

The White House is lacking in flair
When champion sports teams are there.
It’s Big Macs and fries
For just some of their guys;
The rest skipped the whole, dumb affair.

Bruce McGuffin:

To eat with your feet is just rude.
It’s barbaric, revolting and crude.
But I’ve got to try it
As part of my diet.
Instead of meat, I’ll eat toe food.

David Friedman:

Said Anton, a consummate foodie,
“My dishes are things of great beauty;
They’re gorgeous, nutritious,
Gourmet and delicious,
But always just end up as doodie.”

John Edwards:

There’s a chef who likes venting his spleen
On TV, whilst preparing cuisine.
And his language I fear
Means no knighthood next year.
You CAN’T say “F… off” to the Queen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (321)

Sunday, May 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

On vacation, I paddle and grin
In warm seawater up to my chin —
But if I were a cuke,
I’d be wanting to puke
And would wail: “What a pickle I’m in!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special POLICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Trooper Jenna’s a cop who will nail ya
While working her beat in Centralia.
If speeding’s your crime,
This would be the one time
That you don’t want to see Jenna tail ya.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Val Fish, and John Shardlow. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIN or CHAGRIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A gambler, his face in a grin,
Took a gal to his place for some sin.
Well-known as a joker,
He started to poke ’er
And quipped as he did: “I’m all in!”

David Friedman:

The surgeon downed three shots of gin,
As his patient looked on with chagrin.
Said he: “This small step
Is an alcohol prep,
And your surgery now can begin.”

Jean McEwen:

Last night, when my Siamese twin
Overdid it with Beefeater Gin,
She and I both got smashed.
Now, hung over, abashed,
We’ve a mutual sense of chagrin.

Ken Gosse:

Three large ships landed far from the shore,
Where some shepherds, kings, camels, and more
Paid for rooms at the inn,
Causing Joseph chagrin,
As the landlord made profits galore.

Mike Burch:

Just thinking of Trump makes me grin:
I imagine glass walls caving in
And that fat flabby ass
Exposed, belching gas
That ignites and devours his kin.

Sharon Neeman:

As I walk my big dog through the city,
The joy on her face is so pretty!
The expression it’s in
Is… well, not quite a grin:
It’s more like a Smile of Great Pittie.

Brian Allgar:

Donald Junior displays, with a grin,
Yet another dead animal skin.
It is really too bad
That it isn’t his Dad
That the murderous creep has done in.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:

Lose that sadness and put on a grin
And set out to feel joy from within.
Under stress, you’ll pull through,
Getting pleasure anew.
Have a chuckle. Chill out. It’s no sin.

Tim James:

A Republican flunky named Flynn
Stoked a mob with a lunatic grin.
“Lock her up!” was his cry
As the lies he let fly.
When does HIS stretch in prison begin?

Val Fish:

With his sermon about to begin
The priest had to hide a huge grin,
Cuz just minutes ago
Out the back with a pro
He’d committed a cardinal sin.

Lisi Nortman:

My good pal always wears a wide grin.
He says “Life is just one big win-win.”
“Start each day with a smile,
Knowing all of the while
That you’ll end it with Beefeater Gin.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POLICE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When you’re drunk, heading back from the bar,
And a trooper pulls over your car,
There’s no point in insisting
You’re sober; resisting
Arrest just won’t get you that far.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love and have peace…
And if you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And a couple of golden egg geese.

Brian Allgar, who says: “Fake News, I’m sorry to say.”

The Donald loves copping a feel:
“Grab a pussy, and hear how they squeal!”
But he’s now doing time
For a sexual crime;
He was feeling a cop – no appeal.

John Shardlow:

It seems Superman’s got a new hobby;
He robs guests in the Radisson lobby.
He dons a red cape
And make his escape,
Pursued by an Oxford Street bobby.

Tim James:

A cop pulled me over, it’s true,
When I’d had a martini or two.
(Maybe three…maybe five…)
I said, “I’m drood to guyve!”
Now alas, like that trooper, I’m blue.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (316)

Saturday, February 23rd, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a Deal-rhyme limerick and an Argument-themed limerick:

Though the guy had seduction in view,
She had argued the whole evening through.
At the end of the meal,
She explained: “Here’s the deal –
If you want me, my girl-friend comes too.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ARGUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

People argue online quite a bit;
Many tweets are just quarrelsome shit.
I have one thing to say
About Twitter today:
The emphasis lies on the “Twit.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and CRAIG DYKSTRA, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sharon Neeman:

“Let’s play cards,” said my date. “Look, I’ll deal
One card each; if you lose, you must peel.”
He drew ten; I drew nine;
He snapped “Well?” I said “Fine!” —
And prepared all the spuds for our meal.

Craig Dykstra:

Then he said “I propose something greater:
To your sexual whims I will cater.
Skip the kitchen ordeal,
We’ll make love with great zeal –
And if time allows, cook taters later!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, John Shardlow, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Thomas Vincent, Doug Harris, Victor Hood, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Judith H. Block, Jean McEwen, and Margie Nairn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ARGUMENT LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

“I’ll make dinner all week,” said my spouse,
“If you let me off cleaning the house.”
“Are you crazy? No deal!
Your idea of a meal
Is cold hot dogs! Start scrubbing, you louse!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her acrostic limerick:

A tiff can be quite an ordeal.
Remember it takes time to heal.
Get a bottle of wine;
Uncork — don’t decline.
End your fight and go have a nice meal.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME DIVISION)

John Shardlow:

A money mad girl from Great Billing
Was for coins of the realm always willing;
For just three pence, the deal
Would give you a feel.
Now think what she’d do for a shilling!

Tim James:

You think Stone has cojones? Get real.
He’ll take one look at Mueller and deal.
When he’s finished, this crook
Will have written a book
With the title “The Art of the Squeal.”

Brian Allgar:

The hooker gave Donald her spiel:
“Oh, your penis is simply ideal!
What a wonderful dick!
Not too long, not too thick!”
(Thinks: “It’s more of a snack than a meal.”)

Thomas Vincent:

The truth has become an ordeal,
And the facts have all lost their appeal.
Like Salvador Dali,
You betcha by golly,
Reality’s turning surreal.

Doug Harris:

“Two-for-one on new lenses, a steal,”
The optometrist said with appeal,
Through his monocle stare.
“I buy mine by the pair,”
I replied. “So it’s hardly eye-deal!”

Victor Hood:

The neophyte gambler had zeal,
So he said to the dealer, “Just deal!”
With his purse soon consumed,
He said as he fumed:
“This game has lost all its appeal.”

Robert Schechter:

I have heard people say, “Wheel and deal,”
And I know the word “deal” to be real.
In commonplace jargon
It just means to bargain,
But what does it mean when we “wheel”?

Tim James:

Achilles got quite the raw deal:
He got shot in the foot. The appeal
Went from Greece to on high:
“O you gods! Will he die?”
The response from Olympus: “Yes, he’ll.”

Byron Miller:

Social media’s such an ordeal;
It compels me to tweet how I feel.
Now I can’t sit alone
Without holding my phone
And I won’t face a book that is real.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ARGUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

The toilet roll’s really a wonder
When properly pulled from way under.
But John turned it around,
So it dropped to the ground,
And that is what tore us asunder.

Dave Johnson:

They went to a party last night
That led to a late-evening fight.
His wandering eyes
Earned a painful surprise:
“The couch!” as she reached for the light.

David Friedman:

Ann Marie argued daily with Joel,
Who would leave the seat up on the bowl.
Joel had to leave town
On the day Ann sat down
And got her ass wedged in the hole.

Judith H. Block:

The bistro had soft candle lighting.
Her smile was come-hither, inviting.
But her throat got a lump
When he praised Donald Trump,
And they ended up angry and fighting.

Jean McEwen:

Do you think I should marry my beau?
There are arguments — both con and pro.
He’s obnoxious and loud,
But he’s SO well endowed,
And it’s hard to resist all of that dough.

Dave Johnson:

They sometimes may quarrel at night;
Declaring who’s wrong and who’s right.
But then he will say
“Let’s just call it a day.”
He would much rather dicker than fight.

Margie Nairn:

I’m done with the Sunday talk shows
That feature political foes.
They will argue and spin
Over which one will win,
When the truth is that nobody knows.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (315)

Saturday, February 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m a pessimist. Let me explain,
So I don’t have to say it again:
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LIGHTING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

All was darkness. Then “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special ACROSTIC Limerick Award, given occasionally to a clever acrostic limerick:

Please don’t be afraid on my plane.
It is safe. You’ll be fine. Just remain.
Leave the flying to me.
OFF WE GO! And you’ll see
That tomorrow, we’ll all be in Spain.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.

If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.

Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.

Congratulations to MARK KANE and DIANE GROOTHUIS, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.

Diane Groothuis:

The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they stood in the queue
To go to the loo,
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.

Mark Kane:

They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.

(Mark and Diane’s limerick exchange continued into several more verses. You can read the entire limerick repartee exchange here.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Fred Bortz and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LIGHTING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

Says Trump, “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun,” they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

La Guardia! Where is our plane?
We thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor,
Heard obnoxious jerks snore.
Next vacation. To Disney. By train!

Tony Holmes:

All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s fine, cuz they like to complain.

Jane Hoffman says:

The cows have lined up to complain
That the bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men…
To give them a chance to abstain.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

We looked up at the sky. (Was it rain?)
It went fast, and our eyes felt a strain.
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (Not in snow.)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!

Tim James:

A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.

Tony Holmes:

“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To forswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.

Tim James for his Acrostic:

It’s becoming increasingly plain:
Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain”
Isn’t all it should be.
On the contrary, he
Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Soft music, dim lighting, and you…
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed,”
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favorite view.

Jean McEwen:

Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)

Dave Johnson:

With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.

Judith H. Block:

It seems that some guys need enlightening;
Their view is dismaying – needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes.
They’re in for surprises;
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.

Fred Bortz:

The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.

Val Fish:

He’d attempted to set the right mood;
Soft music, the lighting subdued.
But it all went to pot
With chili, too hot;
Several trips to the toilet ensued.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck,
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (314)

Saturday, January 19th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The pirates, a larcenous horde,
Took over while storming aboard.
A boat crew of nine
Bound together with twine
Held fast; they were all in a cord.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TREE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said Trump to the hooker, “You’ll see
That my wood is the size of a tree!”
But when he was nude,
She said “Don’t think me rude –
It looks more like a bonsai to me.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and FRED BORTZ. Each of them wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Sharon Neeman:

Now we’re old, with bad joints and sore feet,
We find bus rides more bitter than sweet,
For we struggle to board
Or reach up for the cord,
And few youngsters will give us a seat.

Should we drive? No, that’s hardly a lark:
Trees take scary new shapes in the dark.
They cavort in the rain,
And it’s hard to explain
Why we hit one whenever we park.

Taking cabs is a strain on the purse,
Makes our budget and blood pressure worse –
No, I think we’ll stay in
Where it’s warm, play some gin,
Drink some scotch, and write crotchety verse.

Fred Bortz:

As hist’ry will sadly record,
A basket of those she deplored
Did Hillary in,
Giving Donald the win
With votes that could not be ignored.

His electoral victory scored;
He baited his bigoted horde
With alternate facts
That justified acts
Of hatred and evil, untoward.

There still may be time to reward
This land that we all have adored.
In the year twenty-twenty,
Let’s cast votes aplenty.
The outcome must not be encored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Shardlow, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREE LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz, for his “The Old Oak”

The couple, in ardent accord,
Their initials in tree bark had scored,
Leaving evidence, oaken,
Of love never broken.
They’ve aged, yet they know they’re adored.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

He thought that his faux pas was minor.
Then he saw all her clothes were designer.
All the hints he ignored;
He sure struck the wrong chord
When he took her to eat at a diner.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

“Dear Teacher, I tripped on a cord,
Then got cut on my brother’s sharp sword.
So no homework today,
And oh, by the way,
I chased after a bull and was gored.”

Tony Holmes:

I would never admit that I snored,
So my wife made recordings – I’m floored!
Beyond doubt, she was right,
But the future is bright –
We’ve discovered a new major chord.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In the 50’s Dad got an award!
(His intelligence never ignored)
Cuz all on his own
He upgraded our phone,
By getting a much longer cord.

Dave Johnson:

The cost of their service has soared;
So now I am cutting the cord.
We can still watch TV,
Once I do it for free
By the shed where the woodpile is stored.

Tony Holmes:

I’ve discovered I’m now in accord
With a viewpoint I’ve always deplored.
I am shocked! What has changed?
Am I sick or deranged?
No, it’s worse – I got lazy and bored.

Tim James:

I knew a composer who scored
An op’ra most people ignored
’Bout an Army man struck
By a half-track and truck.
A-flat major’s its dominant chord.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TREE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Those trees that were blocking his view
Are suddenly lying askew.
Officials resist
His attempts to insist
That the wind just selectively blew.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Even though you might feel a nice breeze,
Never park your car under the trees!
Cuz when you return
You’ll undoubtedly learn
That the birds have done more than just sneeze.

Brian Allgar:

His offspring, I’m sure you’ll agree,
Are as crooked as President T,
Grabbing ill-gotten loot –
Which just shows that the fruit
Never falls very far from the tree.

Diane Groothuis:

I checked on my own fam’ly tree
To find who’s related to me.
Well I come from good stock,
But it came as a shock
That Dad’s branch didn’t want me to be.

Fred Bortz:

There’s a tree that I love in the park.
I can find it at night when it’s dark.
Dogwood’s blossoms and fruit
Bring delight to my snoot,
But what’s best is the sound of its bark.

John Shardlow:

You gardeners, please make this pledge:
Whenever you’re planting a hedge,
Using laurel is dandy,
But shun the leylandii;
Between neighbors it’s driving a wedge.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (With Apologies To Joyce Kilmer)

I’ve seen metal that’s also a knee,
And a card that is also a key.
But I really must say
That there’s no goddamn way
That a poem is also a tree.

Jean McEwen:

Please don’t slander my poor hemlock tree.
It’s not poisonous — trust me! You see,
It is not like the plant
That’s called hemlock; it can’t
Ever hurt you — so no need to flee!

Dave Johnson:

In Florida, palm trees will sway,
With sunbathers basking all day;
Some willing and proud
To be showing the crowd
What others should never display.

Diane Groothuis:

I think that I never shall see
A poem so nice as a tree.
Providing good shade,
In Heaven they’re made
And useful to dogs when they pee.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (313)

Saturday, January 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear,
But bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.

Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face
With the sight that turns men into saps.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Jewelry-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Diane Groothuis, P Diane Schneider, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Peer or Pier or Appear” RHYME DIVISION)

Bob Dvorak:

Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer.
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop,
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.

Brian Allgar:

Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failiah –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”

Tim James:

A yachtsman had drunk too much beer,
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.

Sharon Neeman, for her limerick she calls “How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa:”

Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”

Diane Groothuis:

A woman consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer.
And the seer said “He’s gay.
Get yourself a new lay.
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.”

P Diane Schneider:

The jury box stifled a jeer,
And kitty cat shuddered in fear.
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair;
No canine here looks like a peer.

Byron Miller:

My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.

Tony Holmes:

It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.

Lisi Nortman:

In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear.”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt.
My list’s getting longer each year.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A big fellow who drank lots of beer
Took pride in his skill as a pee-er.
His incredible aim
Gained the man bar room fame,
Till he once hit a cop in the rear.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JEWELRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)

Dave Johnson:

“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”

Brian Allgar:

The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”

Sharon Neeman:

Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”

Tony Holmes:

Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She has mined all her carbon in bed.

Tim James:

She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.

Lisi Nortman:

To find the right man, I’ve been told,
He should not be too young or too old.
But regardless of age,
My dear mother the “sage,”
Said “Honey, just go for the gold.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (312)

Sunday, December 16th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Poe, “I am sick to the core
Of this raven that knocked on my door,
Squawking one stupid word –
I shall strangle the bird,
And I’ll hear “nevermore” nevermore.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SPICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Our love life is lacking in spice,”
Said the husband. “It sure would be nice
To have three in this bed.”
“Get the cat!” his wife said ―
Not the pussy he’d hoped to entice.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Carolyn Henly, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Alan W. Webb, Byron Miller, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, and John Shardlow. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CORE or CORPS or DÉCOR” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Moulton:

Said Trump, to the national corps,
“The Paris Accord’s out the door.
Some say that’s unwise,
Due to sea-level rise,
But I live on the fifty-eighth floor.”

Carolyn P Henly:

There’s a nurse whose named Kissy DuMor,
And the medics all think she’s a whore.
Says she, “I’m no tart;
If you look in my heart
You will see that I’m good to the corps!”

Tim James:

My date didn’t like the decor
Of my place. From the ceiling to floor ―
Carpets, furnishings, art ―
She just picked it apart.
So the last thing I showed her? The door.

Jean McEwen:

My shrink said, “Let’s get to the core
Of what ails you. Methinks there’s much more
To your handwash compulsion
Than merely revulsion
To dirt; it’s your MOM you deplore.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Have you ever seen Aunt Em’s decor?
It’s like something from “Ole Days Of Yore.”
There’s a couch there for “fainting,”
The place need repainting,
And Uncle Lou’s stuffed on the floor.

Alan Webb:

Her nasty words cut to the core.
I fell to my knees on the floor,
Cause when I get cussed out
It drives all the lust out…
And I ain’t coming here anymore.

Byron Miller:

Our team mascot is hard to ignore,
For his shite coats our changing room floor.
But we don’t plan on stopping
His guano from dropping:
It adds to the “osprey decor.”

David Friedman:

A johnless gay hooker, Gerard,
Complained that his work was too hard:
“I entered the corps
Thinking I would get more,
But shouldn’t have joined the rear guard.”

Dave Johnson’s “James Bond reminiscing at the old spy’s home:”

“She thrilled me right down to my core,
With visions of what was in store.
Her name said it all,
Always there to enthrall;
I can’t forget… Lucy Galore.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

When the owner of spice shops expands
Way too fast, he then soon understands
That he must have a sale
Or his business will fail,
’Cause he’s got too much thyme on his hands.

Tony Holmes:

Someone said, ‘Girls are sugar and spice.’
And back then, that was all very nice.
Not today; sugar’s bad.
And it may make you sad,
But you’re best off avoiding that vice.

Sharon Neeman:

Wednesday Addams thought “Who can scream louder?”
She put pepper in Grandmama’s chowder;
In Uncle’s fish stew;
Dad’s shaving cream, too;
Pugsley’s mouthwash; and Mom’s talcum powder.

Lisi Nortman:

Don’t get married, my friend, cuz of strife.
You really do not need a wife;
She will nag you to death
Till your very last breath.
They are known for unspicing your life.

John Shardlow:

I am just off the ward feeling fine,
But that matron’s a bit of a swine;
The green herb colonic
She gives as a tonic
Means I’m busy just passing the thyme.

Dave Johnson:

A weird little fellow named Walt
Has a penchant for pepper and salt.
They chuckle and point
In the hamburger joint
When they notice he seasons his malt.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (311)

Saturday, December 1st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The game has the Vikings and Bears.
Who’s winning? Seems nobody cares.
The guys are in bunches;
I’d say that my hunch is:
At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special THEFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

This section of town’s gettin’ tough,
And frankly, I’ve just had enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Listen here thug:
Rob the neighbors. They’ve much better stuff.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, David Reddekopp, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PAIRS” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who notes that this is fiction:

I fell from the top of the stairs,
And my body’s in need of repairs.
But I still found the time
To come up with this rhyme.
Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.

Tim James:

Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
All misfortunes, you see,
Come in batches of three,
While the best things in life come in pairs.

Dave Johnson:

They used to grow apples and pears,
Filling grocery bins with their wares.
Now they’re serving us well
In this Trumpian spell;
With vineyards that drown all our cares.

Tony Holmes

It seems life likes to do things in twos,
Though exceptions abound to confuse.
Buns and boobs come in pairs,
As do hands: It all squares.
Evolution? Or planning – but whose?

Kirk Miller:

At the nudist camp, manager Fred
Said, “When walking, please carefully tread.
They are making repairs
On the sidewalk and stairs.”
“Please bare with us,” warning signs read.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THEFT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

What’s important to Trump is the deal,
And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
It would really be nice
If his theft had a price –
Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

It seems that Viagra was stolen
By crooks who are mainly Angolan.
The newspaper said:
“Cops are full steam ahead
And looking for thieves who are swollen.”

Sharon Neeman:

A stripper with pasties and patch
Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
But a tale-bearing snitch
Went and told on the bitch,
And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!

David Reddekopp:

She had beauty right down to an art
And she caused all my breath to depart.
“She is gorgeous,” I said,
And at that, I dropped dead,
For the woman had stolen my heart!

Dave Johnson:

A pickpocket fled from the bar;
He tried running, but failed to get far.
They ended the chase
In a parking lot space;
Seems someone had stolen his car.

David Friedman:

There once was a cold-hearted thief
Who only caused heartache and grief.
The worst thing he stole
Was our great nation’s soul,
And that’s our Commander in Chief.

Dave Johnson:

A burglar was just apprehended
In a manner that’s not recommended.
The loot had been stashed
In a trunk that was mashed;
His car was first chased then rear-ended.

Fred Bortz:

He copied and pasted the text
To submit to the Prof as his next
Class writing assignment.
But each stolen line meant
His teacher was thoroughly vexed.

Tim James:

A boy, an unlikable geek,
Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
He got busted. His dad
Whupped his ass pretty bad.
(I could hardly sit down for a week.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (310)

Saturday, November 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said a personal ad that was placed
By a woman some claimed was unchaste:
“They think I’m immoral
But I’m only oral
With men of impeccable taste.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FOOTWEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I have heard of a cat (Russian Blue)
Who would frequently pee in a shoe.
If I got one for Trump,
Could I teach it to dump?
He deserves solid Russian gifts, too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLACED” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

When in public she’s very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But in secret, she gloats
Over sowing wild oats.
Is her guilt for those urges displaced?

Sharon Neeman:

Roasting turkey? Use whiskey to baste
(Not the bird, but the guests) till well laced.
Please believe me: when high,
They won’t know the bird’s dry,
And your trust in me won’t be misplaced.

Tim James:

A woman preferred to stay chaste
Before marriage. She therefore replaced
Standard nookie with head.
What’s the news from her bed?
Word of mouth: she’s a gal of good taste.

Brian Allgar:

“The Balkans or Baltics, who cares?
That war happened,” the Donald declares.
“So I got them misplaced?
Well, it’s gotta be faced,
They’re all BALs, so the fault must be theirs.”

Tony Holmes:

As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we disgraced?

David Friedman:

I fear we are currently faced
With an earth that will soon be replaced
With poisonous waves
That waft past our graves
Of toxic industrial waste.

Sharon Neeman:

“I’m ruined,” she whispered, white-faced;
“The horse that I backed was outpaced!
My Little Miss Muffet
Came second — oh, stuff it!
Two million to win, and Miss placed.”

Tim Gray:

I tripped and by accident placed
My hand on an Arab girl’s waist.
And you should have heard ’er;
She screamed bloody murder.
By her father and brother I’m chased.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My life is a damn total waste;
All the money I stole has been traced.
So I’m running amok,
And the “L” in my luck
With an “F” has been surely replaced.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOTWEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Her stilettos were stunning. What’s more,
She had fine thigh-high boots by the score.
I was truly obsessed
By the way that she dressed ―
Because footwear was all that she wore.

Lisi Nortman:

New shoes always play a great role
In something called Sadness Control.
Though they won’t change your life,
When you’re feeling some strife
They do wonders for lifting your sole.

Margie Nairn:

In order to dance like Astaire,
Your feet must feel lighter than air.
It’s all in the shoes,
So be sure that you choose
A stylish but comfortable pair.

David Friedman:

There once was a wealthy young gopher
Who lived in Shaquille O’Neal’s loafer.
He said, “I can go
From the heel to the toe,
But only if I call the chauffeur.”

Fred Bortz:

He punted from where it was slick,
Caught his cleats, broke his leg like a stick.
While his fracture was healing,
They asked, “How ya feeling?”
“Pretty good,” he replied. “I can’t kick.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (309)

Saturday, October 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A hacker of criminal bent
Pilfered money wherever he went.
Cyber bloodhounds gave chase,
But this guy was an ace ―
And he left them with nary a (s)cent.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special GAMBLING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Online poker was making me bold,
And I thought I knew just when to fold
Up until my sweet spouse
Cried “There’s SNOW in the house!”
Then I realized my luck had gone cold.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Tim James, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, Margie Nairn, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCENT, SENT, or CENT” RHYME DIVISION)

Michael Moulton:

A man on a peak in a tent
Was a happily bean-eating gent.
But he fouled all the air,
Which was thin way up there;
Left him craving a rapid de-scent.

Tim James:

A communist wanted to rent
A young whore till his urges were spent.
But this hard-working doxy
Showed free-market moxie
And took him for ev’ry Red cent.

David Friedman:

Sherlock Holmes, peering down with back bent
Said, “Watson, I’m hot on the scent!”
But Watson said, “Rot!
I rather think not.
You just walked into soggy cement!”

Sharon Neeman:

I never will give my consent
To “infer” when “imply” is what’s meant,
“There” for “their,” “then” for “than,”
“Cant” for “can’t,” “may” for “can,”
Or a tab for a first line indent.

Dave Johnson:

The preacher yells “You must repent!
Damnation shall mark your descent!”
But salvation is not
His intention or thought;
These “sinners” keep paying the rent.

Dale S. Biggs:

A skunk doesn’t stink, but its spray
Keeps the skunk from becoming fair prey.
With a nasty, rank scent
From a gland they can vent
They’re the masters of all they survey!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAMBLING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Joe’s luck at casinos in Reno
Has run dry, and that new palomino
That he liked at the track
Has now started to slack.
All he’s left with to play’s online Keno.

Brian Allgar:

“If he wins, I shall eat it!” I spat.
“Trump’s a moron, a spoiled, ageing brat!”
Today, I am rueing
My wager, still chewing
That huge, indigestible hat.

Tony Holmes:

“It’s a dead cert’!” he said of the horse.
I believed him and backed it, of course.
Dead was right! Lost my shirt,
Which, I promise you, hurt,
But not nearly as much as divorce.

Sharon Neeman:

MBS’s accounts all ring hollow,
And each version is harder to swallow.
Though I don’t often wager
On anything major,
I’ll bet there’s more bullshit to follow.

Ken Gosse:

He gambled that he could make sense
Of a string of unlucky events,
But the dots on his dice
Like the best men and mice
Went awry. (Not the kind that ferments.)

Tim James:

His casinos went bankrupt. This lout
Is a screw-up, without any doubt.
He’s incompetent, vain.
It’s increasingly plain
That we, as a nation, crapped out.

Margie Nairn:

My father would stop off for gambling;
On his way home from work he was rambling.
His money was spent
Down to every last cent,
So for rent we would always be scrambling.

Kirk Miller:

For people like me, there’s no doubt
That the gambling wheel carries much clout.
When I play, if I lose
Lots of cash, I may choose
To gamble more. Don’t roulette out.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest

Limerick-Off Award (308)

Sunday, October 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the sack with an insecure guy,
She gave voice to a rapturous cry:
“You’ve a huge, awesome dick!”
It’s just part of her shtick:
When she lays, she relies on a lie.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins the Special TOOL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I bought some new scissors. The packet
Was rigidly sealed. What a racket!
I tried – what a joke!
All my fingernails broke,
And I needed some scissors to crack it!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ailsa McKillop, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Alan Webb, Judith H. Block, Lisi Nortman, Kathleen Bartoletti, Sharon Neeman, Bruce Alter, Dave Johnson, Ken Gosse, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRY” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Unfair!” the Republicans cry.
“Judge Kavanaugh’s our kind of guy!
Young Brett didn’t do it,
But if he did, screw it –
All boys will be boys when they’re high.”

Ailsa McKillop:

There’s a scurry; I stifle a cry.
In one second I’m yards (or well-nigh)
From the eight-legged beast —
Like lightning when greased!
In extremis, I’m really quite spry.

Thomas Vincent:

Christine has now sullied my name.
The media’s tarred me with shame.
So now I must cry,
And tell the big lie,
That Hillary Clinton’s to blame.

Tim James:

She refused to go out with me. Why?
’Cause she wants a more masculine guy.
She cut right to the quick,
Said I act like a chick.
Now excuse me. I need a good cry.

Alan Webb:

There are those who will heave a great sigh
Or, possibly, loudly decry
And come down on with hammer
The use of bad grammar
Committed by someone like I.

Judith H. Block:

When guilty, play “God card” and cry,
Shout and sniffle to cover your lie.
We don’t have to look far
To perceive what you are:
Just a callous, entitled white guy.

Lisi Nortman:

I never had sex with a guy
Till I married last eighth of July.
When he showed me his stuff,
My decision was tough:
Should I laugh or just break down and cry?

Kathleen Bartoletti:

’Twas a warm summer night, star-lit sky;
Urgent pleas in the dark, then a cry
As a spotlight uncovers
Two near-naked lovers
On the grass — and a cop standing by.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOL LIMERICK DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If you listened to all that he said,
And his words didn’t fill you with dread,
If you think Brett’s a saint,
I’m afraid that you ain’t,
The sharpest damn tool in the shed.

Sharon Neeman:

My dad said, “I’ll teach you two rules:
Number one: never buy shoddy tools.
Number two: don’t misuse!
Using hammers on screws
Or a cent for a fuse is for fools.”

Bruce Alter:

The plumber worked hard with her wrench
To cut off the toilet pipe stench,
But stopped to hit Fred
With the wrench on his head,
Because he kept calling her “wench.”

Tim James:

The slide rule? It no longer rules.
Carbon paper? Used only by fools.
Such things are, to me,
Like today’s GOP:
A collection of outdated tools.

Dave Johnson:

A tailgater – massively rude;
One finger was seen to protrude.
He flew by on the right,
Then a flashing blue light;
And that’s when that driver was screwed.

Ken Gosse:

There are times that I cry in my sleep,
When I think of that jerk and his veep,
Because highly paid fools
With their rules and their tools
Have failed to get rid of that creep.

David Friedman:

There once was a screwdriver, Phillip
Who screwed lots of screws but was still up
So, wanting some more,
He searched through the drawer,
And decided that he’d hit the drill up.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!