Posts Tagged ‘Doug Harris’
Saturday, May 4th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUSAN SETTJE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Every night when the hallway is black,
Naughty children are on the attack.
Is it army-men green?
Tiny marbles unseen?
No, tonight, I have stepped on a jack.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the ANNOYANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Annoyances?! I’ve quite a few.
For a start, there’s that leak in the loo.
I’ve a regular flow,
As small gripes come and go,
But the big one’s still here, and it’s you!
Congratulations to JUSTIN OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.
My brain – it no longer has space.
There are things I will need to erase.
Yes, it’s time to eject
Stupid facts I collect
And let new pointless stuff take its place.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Anthea Simick, Alice Lam, Bindy Bitterman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Justin OConnor, Jim Strossman, Tim Roberts, Jean McEwen, Marc Davidson, Bob Turvey, and Joan Perrin. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: TACK/ATTACK-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though I sometimes will long to talk smack,
It is pointless to try; I’ve no knack.
When it’s my turn to diss,
I say something like this:
“Tell your Mother, go sit on a tack!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TACK/ATTACK-RHYME DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
My goal was to chill and sit back,
Read the paper, and then hit the sack.
But my plan was in vain
Cuz my OCD brain
Gave rise to this lim’rick attack.
Terry Marter:
At the carpet bugs’ party-time snack,
They heard a loud almighty wack!
When they turned, they saw Fred
Was apparently dead;
Fully hammered, – now under a tack.
Anthea Simick:
Please don’t think this a verbal attack,
But I can’t take much more of your flack.
I have bitten my tongue
At the insults you’ve flung.
Now I’m ready to give it right back.
Alice Lam:
Today, I have gotten off track,
But it’s not motivation I lack.
My cat’s on my lap
And she’s taking a nap.
I’m not lazy, just under attack.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Expecting a frontal attack,
One poor victim when strapped to the rack,
Face down, as it were,
Had no time to demur;
Some have said he was taken aback.
Bindy Bitterman:
Oy, that siren! An air raid attack?
A tornado glimpsed twenty miles back?
Nah, just Mary’s two kids
Doing what she forbids—
It goes off when they sneak in to snack!
Tim James:
He’s a Trumper, so cut him some slack.
He knows nothing but how to talk smack.
Since I don’t wish to carp,
I’ll say only: He’s sharp.
(Like a bowling ball, not like a tack.)
Doug Harris:
My dentist said; “Son, all this plaque
Is something you need to attack.
Start gargling and flossing
And maybe less tossing
Of sweets down your neck for a snack?”
Tim James:
He flexed, and looked forward and back
As he silently planned his attack.
Then he struck, and his prey
Lay in shreds, cold and gray.
Catnip toys cause more mayhem than crack.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANNOYANCE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
She’s a tenant, about to receive
Legal notice demanding she leave
If she doesn’t get rid
Of her dogs, cats, and kid.*
You could call it her landlord’s pet peeve.
Justin OConnor, for his “Annoyed Puppy”
As soon as he gets up to leave,
His dog barks and then nips at his sleeve.
He can’t take her to work,
So she barks, “What a jerk!”
Now that’s what I call a pet peeve.
Jim Strossman, for his “Exotic Pet Dealer’s Lament:”
Raising porcupines has for me been
An enterprise fraught with chagrin,
I occasionally will
Get impaled by a quill.
Man, that really gets under my skin!
Tim Roberts:
“Your hair is annoying,” she said.
“So please shave it all off your head.”
In order to faze her,
I got out my razor
And shaved off my nutsack instead.
Terry Marter:
Living closely with one’s kith and kin,
Was Plan A, but it’s under my skin.
So I’ve turned to Plan B,
Which will soon set me free,
But I’m gonna need more than one bin.
Jean McEwen:
A huge source of vexation, for me,
Is when folks fail to RSVP
To an invite – then show
Up and act just as though
They’re entitled to join in high tea.
Terry Marter:
I deal with those small things in life
That grow large over time, causing strife.
Like the wee gal I wed,
Who has outgrown our bed.
She’s now missing; the rumors are rife.
Marc Davidson:
It’s the cause of no little annoyance
Seeking gems with the proper chatoyance.
This search for a glint
Keeps my eyes in a squint
And calls for a deal of clairvoyance.
Lisi Nortman:
Fin’ly realized without any doubt
What the noise in my car was about.
The sound was so shrill
It was making me ill.
Bit the bullet and pushed my wife out.
Bob Turvey:
When I met a young dog in the street,
He yapped and then bit both my feet.
He then pissed on my shoe,
Dropped a huge smelly poo,
And his owner said, “Isn’t he sweet!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Says a soothsaying senior named Snead,
“As a Seer I’m still up to speed!”
He loves his clairvoyance,
But hates the annoyance
Of relying on glasses to read.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.)
Jim Strossman:
On the golf course from Spring until Fall
I swing at that freaky white ball;
I aim left, it goes right,
Sometimes right out of sight!
It seems pointless to aim it at all.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My cat is a creature prehensile,
And whenever she falls on a pencil,
She gets a good grip,
Then gnaws at its tip,
Till it’s rendered a pointless utensil.
Jean McEwen:
Anne and Victor were hopelessly geeky.
But then Anne, one day, donned a dashiki.
Her new look was so glamorous–
Vic got all amorous.
Kinky sex then ensued. Kind of freaky!
Joan Perrin:
In the mirror I no longer see,
Any vestige of glamorous me.
It is pointless, that’s all,
As I watch my face fall:
Norma Desmond, I turned out to be.
Justin OConnor:
There’s a strange, freaky jellyfish ball.
That takes place underwater each fall.
No longer deemed pointless.
(It’s just for the jointless.)
But glamorous? No, not at all.”
Tim James:
With the ladies I yearn to get freaky,
But old age has crept up on me. Sneaky!
I’d like to get stronger
So I can go longer.
This body’s become a bit creaky.
Terry Marter:
Looking glamorous, dressed for the ball,
Her breasts perky, though not very small,
In her see-through topped gown,
Were the talk of the town,
The word “pointless” heard nowhere at all.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Alice Lam, Anthea Simick, Bindy Bitterman, Bob Turvey, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Jim Strossman, Joan Perrin, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marc Davidson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Susan Settje, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tim Roberts, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, April 6th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
In broad daylight he aimed; took the shot.
She lay still, on the deck of his yacht.
When she writhed on the floor,
He shot her twice more
At his favorite fashion pics spot.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the PICTURES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
His new gal was an absolute mess;
He was fully enthralled, nonetheless.
He wised up really quick
When he spotted her pic
On the wall at the USPS.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.
Vain old Donald is having his say again;
With the Bible he’s having his way again.
He amuses his base,
As he says with straight face —
“We will all Make America Prey Again!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Trevor Alexander, Susan Settje, Dave Johnson, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Mike Monks, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Cried a doctor when one patient fought
An injection, “Just take it or not!”
And he wasn’t amused
When the same guy confused
Him by saying, “I’d rather be shot.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I like classic old Westerns a lot —
Gritty films where drunk cowboys get shot.
When these tough buckaroos
Take in bullets and booze,
They just grin and say, “That hit the spot.”
Tim James:
She texted her picture. She’s hot,
So I thought I’d give romance a shot.
Then she told me she’s rootin’
For Vladimir Putin.
My internet girlfriend’s a bot!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If The Donald should lose the election,
There’s no reason to stage insurrection.
He should give (while he’s hot)
Making movies a shot.
He’s so awfully good at projection.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME DIVISION)
Gail White:
The day of my hanging was hot
And the amateurs tying the knot
Made a slippery noose
That was really too loose…
So I opted for just being shot.
Jean McEwen:
Sophie figured she’d give it a shot.
So she struck while the iron was hot.
But then promptly she learned
That one’s hand will get burned
When the iron one strikes isn’t wrought.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With a gun pointed straight at his head,
The quarry quick-wittedly said,
“A close-up is not
My favorite shot.
Could you make it a selfie instead?”
Tim James:
She lost track of the number of shots
That she’d downed. (Let’s just say it was lots.)
She will drink you — she’s able —
Way under the table.
She’s Mary, the Queen of the Sots.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot
But then let my cats do the rest.
Doug Harris:
The Jaeger bombs started the rot;
With whiskies I’ve often been caught.
The Doc’s diagnosis:
(I can’t spell cirrhosis)
My liver is totally shot!
J.OConnor:
He decided that he’d take a shot
At tying his own Windsor Knot.
Though he’d try and he’d try,
He could not tie the tie,
And tie tired is all that he got.
Trevor Alexander:
She had my tongue tied up in knots
And gave me a case of the hots.
My libido was zingin’,
But turned out she’s mingin’.
I’m glad I’ve had all of my shots.
Mark Totterdell:
Having starting the night sipping tots,
I continued with various shots.
After many drinks more,
I was flat on the floor,
Swilling beer out of two-gallon pots.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
She tried a new app for a date.
Turns out, it was far less than great;
Selecting a guy,
But whose pic was AI,
A zombie who then showed up late.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
At last I pried open my wallet
For that blasted thing… what do kids call it?
The self-serving stick?
The self, selfie trick?
Now can somebody help me install it?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There’s the shirt with the Donald T mugshot,
And the Viktor-and-me T, a hug shot.
But I can’t wait to see,
The celebrative tee,
That’s the Donald’s-at-last-in-the-jug shot.
J.OConnor, for his “true home improvement story”
Pulled old wallpaper off of our wall.
Found a picture drawn seven feet tall
Of a majorette dressed
In a way no one guessed:
Besides boots she wore nothing at all.
Bob Turvey:
Said my father, “I think I’ll invest
My spare cash in tattoos for my chest.
I’ve a picture in mind –
Charlie Chaplin’s behind –
It’ll make me laugh when I’m depressed.”
Lisi Nortman:
I rarely take selfies. I lack
The fervor, the zeal and the knack.
Though I cannot deny
That I gave it a try
To examine that zit on my back.
Mike Monks:
A meet & greet held in a bar
Fell terribly lower than par;
While her pic showed a cutie,
There now was no beauty.
Come on, folks! Just show who you are!
Fred Bortz:
For a classical musical treat,
Try Mussorgsky’s evocative suite
That brings to fruition
An art exhibition.
A sensory palate complete!
Lisi Nortman:
This sale is sure not “for the birds.”
The people are coming in herds.
They’ve a very nice staff.
The reduction is “half.”
Each pic is worth 500 words.
Jean McEwen:
Bedecking the walls of Jill’s villa
Are paintings that look just vanilla.
Every piece of her home
Is clichéd – monochrome.
Refined taste? Jill has not a scintilla.
Brian Allgar:
Donald Trump is a blowhard, quite mad,
And I picture a scene, very bad:
To prove he’s a sleaze
And determined to please,
He’s down on his knees blowing Vlad.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.)
Susan Settje:
The pompous young doc lacked humanity.
His godlike self-image, pure vanity.
Like a peacock, he preened,
While his patients all keened.
His murder? I’m pleading insanity.
Terry Marter:
With neurosis eroding her sanity;
Obsessed with her mirror, (and vanity),
She’s applied to herself
The whole beauty bar shelf,
And now looks like a walking profanity!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Jane asked, “Doctor, can I be psychotic?”
When he answered, “No, simply neurotic,
And perhaps a bit vain,”
She complained, “How mundane.
I deserve something much more exotic.”
Tim James:
A neurotic old despot named Don
Told his doctor, “My self-control’s gone.
I’m obnoxious, or vain,
Or just flat-out insane;
It depends on the drugs that I’m on.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The reception you get will be cold,
If you contact your doctor, I’m told,
And try to postpone
Your appointment by phone.
All they do then is put you on hold.
Tim James:
I want to write something amusing.
My Muse, though, won’t help; she’s refusing.
In my vanity, I
Thought at least that she’d try.
I’d do better by taking up boozing.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When Rod needed “amusement” –and quick,
He thought Speed Dating might do the trick.
But the date said, “You’re vain,
And your fast-talk’s inane.”
Then she gave him a really swift kick.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Mike Monks, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Susan Settje, Terry Marter, Tim James, Trevor Alexander, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | No Comments »
Saturday, February 10th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said Sir Lancelot “Life’s not so grand
When your date turns you down out-of-hand.”
Said Sir Kay, “Well I hear
That our Queen Guinevere
Always welcomes a quick one-knight stand.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTON, who wins the COACH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My team took a terrible beating,
So I called a “coach candidate” meeting.
I said, “Though you’re all trained,
I picked Joe,” then explained:
“He’s the one who knows most about cheating.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.
Nubile Florence had searched high and low
For a promising guy (one with dough.)
She was cute and nineteen;
Tom was lush with the green.
He decided to go with the Flo.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Terry Marter, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman, P Diane Schneider, J.OConnor, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Phil Woodford, Doug Harris, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: GRAND-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COACH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
A musician whom no one could stand
Was coached NOT to act pompous or grand.
Now he acts like a geek
Who’s both boring and meek.
His new theme song is “Strike Up the Bland.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAND-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The concert stage door was unmanned,
So I strolled in, completely as planned.
No need to pull strings
To access the wings,
My job was to tune up the grand.
Paul Haebig:
“This obsession you have with Steve Grand
Is getting a bit out of hand
And becoming a bore.
So, I’m saying, ‘No more!’
From now on in this house, he is banned!”
Sharon Neeman:
“Yuck! I hate this! It’s gross and it’s bland!
You’re not Mom! I won’t eat on demand!”
“No, I’m not — but I say
You must eat anyway,
‘Cause you’re not being mothered, but Gran’d.”
Mark Totterdell:
This latest great poem of mine
Was designed to be truly divine.
From the start it was planned
To be epic and grand,
But it stopped after just the fifth line.
Lisi Nortman, for her “My Chicago Senior Living Apartment Complex”
Poor Jenny can’t move her right hand.
Leon sits, but the poor man can’t stand.
John broke both his hips,
And sweet Winifred drips.
Gertrude falls ev’ry day. Ain’t life grand?
P Diane Schneider:
Abroad in a warm, far-off land,
I lounged on a beach and was fanned.
Alas, I awoke;
It was only a joke.
But tell me, would THAT not be grand?
Terry Marter:
His piano concerto was panned;
The critics said “boring” and “bland.”
Pursued for his views,
He made headline news
When they found him curled up in the grand.
Tim James:
With ambitions excessively grand,
Ronny D. sought to govern the land
By appealing to spite.
Why’d it all turn to shite?
He infringed on The Former Guy’s brand.
J.OConnor:
The father of my father’s dad
Was cruel and made everyone sad.
So I can’t understand
Why he’s called “great” and “grand”
When we know that old bastard was bad.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COACH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
From my seat I could see him approach.
He sat next to me, puffing a roach.
Cradled under one arm
Was a jug of Boone’s Farm.
That’s the last time I’ll travel by coach.
J.OConnor:
I’d rather fly coach than first class.
Don’t try to upgrade me. I’ll pass.
My seat is just fine.
So keep your free wine.
I won’t pay you to pamper my ass.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One “away” team won’t deign to encroach,
On the home team’s aggressive approach.
They don’t care if they lose;
On the bus they’ve stashed booze,
So they’re keeping all eyes on the coach.
Phil Woodford:
Whenever I sit in train coaches
A feeling of dread soon encroaches
There’s a rustling sound
And before long, I’ve found
That my seat is surrounded by roaches.
Doug Harris:
The enthusiasts offer reproaches
As the layman, in their world, encroaches.
There’s many a fuss
If you call it a bus,
And not one of their lovable coaches.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though no promising singer, I know,
I still give karaoke a go.
I sing all night with glee,
And when I lose my key,
I continue to search high and low.
Terry Marter says:
Some lush-sounding songsters from Yonkers
Formed a promising choir, but some honkers
Joined in on their tunes
With wails worse than loons,
Cuz they thought they could sing, but they’re bonkers!
Lisi Nortman:
Search no more for a shrink; mine is hip.
He will heal you in one single trip.
To cure your depression,
There’s only one session
With JUST these three words: “Get a grip!”
Brian Allgar:
It had seemed like a promising trip,
But his search for the names made him flip.
Telling Nancy from Nikki
Was horribly tricky —
Poor Donald had quite lost his grip.
Jean McEwen:
My once-promising search for the grail
Is all over. The end of the trail
Has been reached. I’m defeated.
My hope’s been depleted.
My coffin’s now seen its last nail.
Lisi Nortman:
I was tired of frequenting bars,
And stopped searching the day I met Lars.
We were wed in a zip.
He is known for his grip;
Lars is gross, but he opens my jars.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Socks, The Horse, on his way to the barn,
Met The Kitten in search of some yarn….
This olde Aesop’s fable,
I’d spin were I able,
But I’m not, and I don’t give a darn.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, P Diane Schneider, Paul Haebig, Phil Woodford, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (518)
Saturday, December 9th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One young lady agreed to a match,
With the richest old man she could catch.
The decision seemed rash,
But she married for cash.
It appears she was itching for scratch.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special Mistake-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
After many loud protests in jail,
His attempt to escape was a fail.
He curled up in a sack
In a truck, out the back
Which (it turned out) was incoming mail.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK. (Though it’s certainly NOT required, TIM used all five of those words.)
He’s a hustler who’s mean when on pot,
But just look at the girlfriend he’s got!
She’s so brainy and fine,
Yet she sticks with that swine.
Her judgment’s not faulty; it’s shot.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dallman Ross, Terry Marter, Marieta McGrath, Tim James, Byron Miller, Janice Canerdy, Steven Kent, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Doug Harris, George Larson, Kirk Miller, Tony Holmes, Steve Johnston, J.OConnor, Lisi Nortman, Phil Woodford, Mark Totterdell, William Preston, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Jeanine Silverio. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CATCH or CATCHES-RHYME DIVISION)
Dallman Ross:
A subway straphanger named Craig
Took the Metro due East from the Hague.
Though he wanted to catch
This year’s Rotterdam match,
What he caught was the Omicron plague.
Terry Marter:
Little Ricky encountered a catch:
His uniquely small dick was no match
For the fact that the thatch
Of blonde hair on her patch
Made it tricky to access her snatch.
Marieta McGrath:
A man with a peg leg and patch
Used Tinder to find him a match.
His only reply
Was a shark who said, “Hi,
You look like you could be a catch!”
Tim James:
There once was a fellow named Tim
Who met a hot gal at the gym.
She thought him a catch,
So she offered her snatch.
I wish *I* were the Tim in this lim!
Byron Miller:
Lady Guinevere strikes up a match,
Lights a fart near her Knight-weary snatch;
“Ain’t my beautiful ass
Just a natural gas,”
She proclaims, as her thatch starts to catch.
Janice Canerdy, for her “Grandma’s Extra-Special Brownies”
You want brownies? She’ll make you a batch.
They’re fantastic, but there is a catch.
They’ll make you feel good,
Like no brownie should;
She adds pot to those treats made from scratch.
Steven Kent:
I’m aware that my girl is a catch,
So I’ll do what she wants me to, natch:
Wash her car, buy her jewels,
Fix her stuff with my tools,
Snatch her kiss when I can (and vice versa.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When fishing from piers got too old,
Rod tried ice fishing (just to be bold.)
He imagined he’d snatch
From the lake a big catch,
But all that he caught was a cold.
Doug Harris:
The chick from the egg duly hatches,
But mystery quickly attaches:
The process reversed
Ponders which one came first?
A sequel to Schrödinger’s catches …
George Larson:
A fly-tying fool tries to match
The appearance of this morning’s hatch;
Casting over the lake,
He hopes he can fake
Out the big one he’s trying to catch.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MISTAKE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Marieta McGrath:
A scatterbrained girl, Annie Ferrer
Discovered that she’d made an error:
She went out of her house
With only a blouse,
And the neighbourhood boys fled in terror.
Kirk Miller:
A cartographer’s really astute;
Draws relief maps of mountains. He’ll shoot
For perfection each time.
Though his maps are sublime,
When he makes a mistake, it’s a butte.
Tony Holmes:
I am haunted on cold, winter nights,
By the errors of youth. The delights –
Wine and women, fast cars,
Making love ’neath the stars –
These I should have been doing, by rights.
Tim James:
You may think I’m an arrogant flake,
But for years I have managed to make
Not one error or blunder.
I’m really a wonder!
Just think … not a single misteak!
Steve Johnston:
There was a young virgin named Pearl,
Who thought to give childbirth a whirl.
It seems all along,
The plumbing was wrong,
The virgin’s name should have been Earl.
J.OConnor:
There once was a fellow named Jim.
Who often did things on a whim.
When he jumped in the lake
It was a mistake.
He first should have learned how to swim.
Lisi Nortman:
I make countless mistakes, to the MAX!
Do I worry? No sir! I relax!
Not to brag, I’m a pro
Cuz I’ve got this M.O. :
I remember to cover my tracks.
Tim James:
“Mistakes were made.” That’s a cliché.
It’s a passive-voice way not to say
Who screwed up, who’s to blame.
It’s a con artist’s game
Whereby those at fault all get away.
Phil Woodford, for his “Missed Steak”
Young carnivores keen to pitch woo
Had reserved a smart table for two.
But they’d made a mistake,
As the meat was all fake
And their ribeye was made of tofu.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Goddess Gaia was quick to exalt
Her good taste when the Earth rendered salt.
When a bad earthquake came,
Was she stuck with the blame?
No. She claimed that it wasn’t her fault.
Mark Totterdell:
It perhaps was a blunder to get
A large tiger to keep as a pet,
As its claws do so catch
In my flesh with each scratch
That I’m feeling a twinge of regret.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK.)
William Preston:
You will never develop some muscle
By failing to get up and hustle;
Instead, you will not
Have a gut, but a pot,
And a gluteus maximus bustle.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Such a lazy boat owner is Russell;
He won’t hasten, or hurry, or hustle.
High on pot, he might mull,
Over thoughts of his hull,
But, alas, without moving a mussel.
Gail White:
With the words “pot” and “stick” on the screen,
I could really write something obscene,
But I think I’d be wise
To pass up the prize
By saying much less than I mean.
Rudy Landesman:
A young ballerina, they say,
Was doing the “Hustle” one day.
Though her critics were mean,
It had to be seen:
She added a sexy plié.
Lisi Nortman:
The hustle of wild County Cork
Is upsetting sweet Patrick O’Rourke.
He claims, “Folks here are mean.
I need a new scene.
Begorra! I’ll move to New York.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A stick bug repeated verbatim:
“I’m a twig, I’m a twig. That’s the datum.”
By this means of illusion,
He hid from intrusion,
Till a termite (who bought the lie) ate him.
Lisi Nortman:
After work Mama hustled to buy
Lots of meals in a large bulk supply.
She divorced Harry Johnson
To marry Clarke Swanson.
In honor of chicken pot pie.
Jeanine Silverio:
With nostalgia for disco, old Russell
Hit the dance floor to do a mean hustle.
But he backed up too quick,
Then collapsed on the kick:
“Oh my God, I done tore my butt muscle!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Byron Miller, Dallman Ross, Doug Harris, Gail White, George Larson, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jeanine Silverio, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marieta McGrath, Mark Totterdell, Phil Woodford, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Johnston, Steven Kent, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, William Preston, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (516)
Saturday, November 11th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to RUDY LANDESMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Had a dream. What it meant, I don’t know.
A raven or maybe a crow
Flew into my room
And announced gloom and doom.
Gotta stop reading Edgar A. Poe.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special LIST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“I feel languid again — what a chore,”
Laments Lackluster, starting to snore.
His wife, quite the shrew,
Makes a lengthy to-do,
And now Lackluster’s listless no more.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH.
At the hamburger joint I espied her,
Twelve boxes of sliders beside her.
Take note of the fact
That because of this act
Her bankroll’s now thinner; she’s wider.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Bob Turvey, George Larson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, Marieta McGrath, J.OConnor, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman, and Janice Canerdy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CROW-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
He tattooed her fine breast; his price low.
After which, to her friends she would crow
About her good deal,
Where she’d offered a feel:
It was all Tit for Tat; quid pro quo.
Tim James:
Thirteen ravens, five jays, and a crow
Caused great terror wherever they’d go;
And they still induce fear
In the people they’re near.
They’re the CORVID 19, as you know.
Bob Turvey:
Here’s a tale that concerns a young peasant;
When he stroked his cock he found it pleasant.
Quite stiff it would grow
And then start to crow –
He can’t wait now to stroke his wife’s pheasant.
George Larson:
His hot-rod was mostly for show;
He bragged to his friends it would go
Like a bat out of hell,
But it didn’t go well.
At the end, the guy had to eat crow.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When some hawks hear the squawks from below,
The caws cause them to sway to-and-fro.
Their most favorite prey,
Isn’t Corvid, per se,
But they love to sing, “I Gotta Crow!”
Mark Totterdell:
Those ugly old crow’s feet that show
Round my eyes are the way that I know
That my youth is behind,
But I just wouldn’t mind
If they weren’t still attached to the crow.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
My stupidity can’t be denied
’Cause I laughed really hard, till I cried
When my gal split her pants
While attempting to dance.
On her shit list is where I reside.
Jean E McEwen:
I’ve got too many Things to Do lists.
I just can’t keep them straight; each exists
On its own scrap of paper.
It’s too hard a caper
To merge them; thus, chaos persists.
Terry Marter:
On a long windy sailing-boat ride
I was so sick and bored that I cried.
So I wrote a long list
Of life’s “pleasures” not missed
With “A boat with a list to one side.”
Tim James:
Santa’s finished with making his list.
He just checked it, and boy, is he pissed.
Naughty kids are online,
Where they’re bullies and swine.
How he wishes they’d cease and desist!
Marieta McGrath:
I jotted down three things to do.
The first was to buy superglue.
The rest became moot
As I shouted out “Shoot!
I had glued both my hands to my shoe!”
George Larson:
The birder makes lists as he goes
Of all of the species he knows.
But sadly, today
They were all chased away
By a murder of ornery crows.
Terry Marter:
Listen up, lest you don’t get my gist:
You’re as drunk as a skunk; Brahms and Liszt.
You’ve mumbled and stammered
Which shows that you’re hammered…
And a long list of terms that mean pissed.
Bob Turvey:
A lawyer once said to Miss May,
“I will list all your assets today.
Do you have property?”
She answered, “I’ve three;
There’s China, Ceylon and Earl Grey.”
J.OConnor:
Pharma ads all have jingles these days.
For drug sales it’s one of the ways
To get you to think
That their drug doesn’t stink
As the list of each side effect plays.
Doug Harris:
In Pisa the Bishop is pissed;
At the Foreman he’s shaking his fist.
He’s displaying unease
At about four degrees –
The builder’s not finished his list …
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Hyde consulted a shrink for advice,
(who took notes and seemed very precise.)
He said, “Doc, this is it:
My poor psyche is split,
So make sure that you’re writing this twice.”
Lisi Nortman, for her “Teaching The Wife About Baseball”
“Take notes, dear, to practice a slider.”
(I gave her a ball, just to guide ’er.)
“Now, it’s all in the grip.
Place your hand on the tip.”
(An approach that might get me inside ’er.)
Jean McEwen:
Let me give you a piece of advice:
Before you mock others, think twice.
Hold your tongue; check yourself.
Leave that taunt on a shelf.
Think whatever you like – but play nice.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Annoying Rebecca”
Here’s advice: don’t go shopping with Beck.
You’ll come home and complain, “I’m a wreck.”
She went shopping with me
At the Town Dollar Tree,
And for one gum drop, Beck paid by check.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I offered a crumb to a spider,
(Please take note I sought not to deride her),
“Super-size it!” she snapped,
So at once I unwrapped
The whole sandwich and slipped her my slider.
Janice Canerdy:
I’m not snobbish, just misunderstood.
You don’t kowtow to me as you should.
If you’d seek my advice—
Only mine will suffice–
You’d be MORE like me, just not as good.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Doug Harris, George Larson, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marieta McGrath, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (515)
Saturday, February 4th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A stripper whose outlook was screwed,
With her crowds got increasingly rude.
So she took some time off.
(Not a thread did she doff.)
Then returned to work, fresh and re-nude.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the DESTRUCTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One cat, with just four little paws
And some teeth in her two tiny jaws,
Pushed three plates off the table,
Ate all she was able,
And puked on the rest. Why? Because.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL.
To keep this year’s diet on track,
I’ve developed a three-step attack;
Not a punishing stride,
but a nice, easy slide–
One step forward, another two back.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Don Lazarre, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDE, RUED or ROOD-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
A starving philosopher rued
That day when he busked in the nude.
Naked truth in the street
Didn’t help make ends meet,
But it DID give him more thought for food.
Lisi Nortman:
As a carpenter, I could tell tales
Of all of my sweat and travails.
Standing here, at the rood,
I’m beginning to brood,
Cause they’re using the wrong kind of nails.
Terry Marter:
When the Haiku police came, I rued
The day that I wrote one ’bout food:
The subject was Thyme,
But I’d slipped in a rhyme.
I must now eat my words or be sued.
Rudy Landesman:
From Russia, that much troubled nation,
There’s news that has caused a sensation.
When folks there allude
To Putin as rude,
They’re subject to defenestration.
Tim James:
While in England, and looking for food,
I sought help from a whimsical dude.
He said, “Eighty roods down,
Take a left into town.”
Thanks a lot. What the hell is a rood?
Doug Harris:
The media hypers are glued
To Prince Harry’s pulp fiction and feud.
It’s a sorry affair
That he feels like a Spare,
But to blame his old dad is just rude!
Don Lazarre:
To Santa, she wrote “I ask you:
‘When sleeping, you SEE us. That true?
If you do, that is rude
Cuz I sleep in the nude!
And ain’t THAT worth a present or two?’”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There once was a lamplighter dude,
Whose career choice was one that he rued.
His one true desire?
To be the town crier;
So he stood in the street and boo-hooed.
Dave Johnson:
Some kind of morality nut
Described it as “vertical smut.”
Though seemingly lewd,
It’s not meant to be rude;
Cuz twerking is anything butt.
Mark Totterdell:
I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh f**k!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DESTRUCTION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
At the altar of Mammon he kneeled
And prayed for some bonds with high yield.
In this God he did trust,
But the market went bust;
And no longer is he so well-heeled.
Jean McEwen:
Matt Goetz has set out to destroy
Civil order; he’ll use any ploy
To help burn down the House.
He’s a certified louse,
With disdain for the mass hoi polloi.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I asked a Republican pundit:
“Our Democracy, sir, have you shunned it?”
“We’ve destroyed it,” he said,
“But it isn’t quite dead,
So we’re passing a bill to defund it.”
Tim James:
The crew of a starship took stock
Of the Earth. They regarded in shock
War, destruction, and hate.
Their report home will state:
“No intelligent life on this rock.”
Dave Johnson:
His brainchild was nervy and brash;
Investing in digital cash.
While some made a buck,
Many others were stuck;
Invited to join in the crash.
Rudy Landesman:
A concern in the bedroom was key
In destroying my marriage for me.
She left me one day.
So, what’s there to say?
My dildo was cursed with E.D.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION – STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL)
Lisi Nortman:
The masochist “I Love Pain” Flo
Begged “Punish me, dear darling, Joe.”
In a very swift stride
“Sadist Joe” went outside.
(Before closing the door, he said, “No!”)
Jean McEwen:
Denied bail, Stu was fit to be tied,
Refusing to take it in stride,
As the price to be paid
When one murders the maid
And then boils and ingests her raw hide.
Brian Allgar:
I decided to punish the fly.
“You’ve annoyed me too long, you must die!”
I attempted to swat it,
And thought I had got it –
Instead, it flew into my eye.
Lisi Nortman:
I hired your handyman Phil.
He walked in, but it wasn’t a thrill,
Cuz he opened his fly,
And I said, with a sigh,
“That does NOT take the place of a drill.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“I would send a nice letter — oh, fie!”
Charlotte scrawled, “But no paper have I.
It was handy last year,
But I’ve lost it, I fear.
So I’m writing to you on the fly.”
Tim James:
“I know art, lit, and science,” said I.
“I’m a suave, cultured Renaissance guy.”
Said my date, “Epic fail!
One last thing, then I’ll bail:
Leonardo, please zip up your fly.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Don Lazarre, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Saturday, September 17th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DOUG HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The digital gremlins let rip
And chewed up my laptop’s old chip.
As it draws its last breath
With the blue screen of death,
How’s it playing an Amazon clip??
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RELAXATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
He tried to relax, but he failed;
So a bowl of the best he inhaled.
He had hoped he would find
That it helped him unwind.
Now his train of thought’s fully derailed.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.
Since my dog is so smart, it’s no wonder,
She barks, “Roof!” ev’ry time she hears thunder.
I share her perspective;
When weather’s defective,
It’s not something we ought to be under.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Linda A. C. Fuller, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Rudy Landesman, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHIP-RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Jack Sprat and his missus would brawl
At each meal over grievances small.
He: “This plate has a chip!”
She: “Enough with the lip —
You’re lucky I feed you at all!”
Terry Marter:
He gambled his house and his ship,
Told the croupier gal “Let her RIP!”
She spun; the ball popped.
His heart (and wheel) stopped.
The loss killed him, – he’s cashed his last chip.
Tim James:
Willie Wonka was smart as a whip;
On computers he had a firm grip.
As his business had grown
He built one of his own.
It contained the world’s first choc’late chip.
Lisi Nortman:
Susie gave me a wonderful tip:
“You’re too fat girl, now please get a grip.
Though this may sound absurd,
You must eat like a bird.”
Then she left, and I pecked at a chip.
Dale S. Biggs:
A putt’s not a drive or a chip.
It’s a nudge t’wards a cup or its lip.
When it’s good, the ball drops,
But it mostly just stops–
And I can’t blame the grass or my grip!
Linda Fuller:
On his shoulder he carries a chip,
And there’s always a gun on his hip.
Don’t mess with this dude
’Cause he’s got a real ’tude,
And his sanity’s starting to slip.
Roger Haugen:
He swallowed a silicon chip
That migrated straight to his hip;
He’s now a cool chipster,
A solid-state hipster,
With 5G and great broad-band zip.
Dave Johnson:
That platter held nary a chip;
The same could be said for the dip.
Our guests had all gone,
But one moment lived on:
When everyone winced at my quip:
I did NOT meant to shock when I said,
“We’re having a hard time in bed.”
Our mattress – it sags!
Now on Facebook their gags
Have phrases like “came to a head…”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELAXATION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
I tried jogging, but didn’t get far.
I’d rather have taken my car!
Long ago, I had zest,
But lately I’m stressed.
Now my fav’rite pursuit’s R&R.
Jean McEwen:
These alternative “types” are sheer quacks.
Their “advice,” said to help folks “relax,”
(Like that “mindfulness” crap)
Makes me just want to slap
Them or lash out in rage with an axe.
Terry Marter:
Slung my hammock across; tree to tree,
And unwound with good wine, and some Brie.
Gentle breeze in my hair;
Relaxation, right there!
Damn! I need to dash off for a pee.
Lisi Nortman:
After work, I can’t wait to see Judd.
He’s my Pit Bull and very best “bud.”
Judd is sweet and so kind,
And he helps me unwind.
After snugg’ling, I wash off the blood.
Terry Marter:
The William Creek pub draws me nigh.
I’ll relax; see Lake Eyre from the sky.
Then, my favourite deal, –
Their seven-course meal:
It consists of six beers and a pie.
Lisi Nortman:
Writing lim’ricks is how I de-stress.
Who cares if my house is a mess?
I don’t cook; I don’t clean.
I ain’t got no routine…
Except for the keys that I press.
Tony Holmes:
“I prefer, when I’m taking my ease,
That I not be disturbed, if you please.
What I do when alone
In my ‘man-only’ zone
Is protected by laws and decrees.”
Tim James:
There once was a bellhop named Chip
Who was helping a guest with her grip.
And I don’t mean her bag,
But her grasp. Then their shag
Meant that SHE was receiving the tip.
From her job she’d been recently axed;
Her anxiety level was maxed.
So she went on a trip,
Where she met handsome Chip.
The result: she’s extremely relaxed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.)
Tim James:
In the sciences, letters, and arts
She’s a genius, with scores off the charts.
I give voice to this cry:
“She’s much brighter than I!”
I’m ashamed to admit that it smarts.
Rudy Landesman:
It’s a shame that you choose to decline
This elegant wine from the Rhine.
You say it’s a waste
And has simply no taste?
I’d say that’s your old vintage whine.
Linda Fuller:
Such a shame that he has a nice voice;
Intonations that leave you no choice,
But to follow his lead
Into every misdeed.
Such a man makes the devil rejoice.
Lisi Nortman:
How dare you imply that my voice
Reveals I don’t own a Rolls Royce!
I have such a smart mind.
Can’t you tell I’m refined?
In the theater, I’ve played Blanche DuBoyce.
Gail White:
I dance and I drink without shame.
For my actions I’m taking no blame.
For at seventy-five,
I’m still smart and alive
And a highly sarcastic old dame.
Terry Marter:
The young milkmaid appealed to his taste.
He voiced “Darlin’, yer garter’s unlaced.
It’s defective, you see.
Let me fix it for thee.”
She’s straight-laced now, – but no longer chaste.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I narrate a lim’rick, my choice
Is quite often a “first person” voice.
If I could, I would own a
Much smarter persona.
This one’s dumb, but I’ve some that are woise.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dale S. Biggs, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (500)
Saturday, May 28th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick. (It’s a Triple-Duty Limerick: WIRE-Rhyming, WATER-Themed, and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick, which uses each of the five designated Random Words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, and THINK.)
I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the WATER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Terry Marter:
Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her daughter,
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own tush
Past the crowd, to a bush…
But her tush only passed wind and water.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “RANDOM WORD GENERATOR” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.
That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, James Graff, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Steve Dufour, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz,
Bob Turvey, Konrad Schwoerke, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dane Paulsen,
David Friedman, Tony Holmes, Doug Harris, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder: (Water-Themed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.
Linda A. C. Fuller: (Wire-Rhymed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught.
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire;
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WIRE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.
James Graff:
If there’s one thing I really admire,
It’s a man who can walk the high wire.
But I’ll watch from below
As he puts on his show…
And pray that he won’t take a flyer.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?
Brian Allgar:
The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”
Tim James:
Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
’Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”
Steve Dufour:
This world is connected by wire.
Information spreads much like a fire.
But some of it’s fake,
So care we must take;
We mustn’t enable a liar.
Mark Totterdell:
A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.
Fred Bortz:
The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.
Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WATER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
On my bottle it says “It’s still water.”
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”
Tim James:
There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yes, ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.
Terry Marter:
I was filming bull sharks (and some blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911,
But my ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and then call the news.”
Dane Paulsen:
My golf drive requires a spotter;
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret,
But my golf shoes get wet.
And the wetter I get, well – the hotter.
Lisi Nortman:
We were finally on the right track.
Couldn’t wait to see dear uncle Jack.
Then I screamed, “Bill, look there!
Something says, “Please Beware!
If this sign’s under water, turn back!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR” LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder says:
My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I will cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
Thinking, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”
David Friedman:
I think you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her shoes
(And her miscreant spouse,
The arrogant louse.)
She’s retired; her son’s now the news.
Tony Holmes:
“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant ‘pistol for hire.’
Getting shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”
Konrad Schwoerke:
If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”
Doug Harris:
The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise.
Gail White:
When I noticed a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!
Terry Marter:
The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac; hence,
His voice is now two octaves higher.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dane Paulsen, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gail White, James Graff, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Dufour, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 16th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
After viewing the faces of those
God created, authorities chose,
Not the Cyclops, but Man,
To reflect the Grand Plan.
And the eyes did outnumber the nose.
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Special SECURITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled, “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot,
But then let my cats do the rest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Randolph Wagner, Tony Holmes, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOSE or KNOWS or NOES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SECURITY LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
Putting lips near my ear with such surety,
She mind-read my thoughts of impurity:
“Forget all your prose;
I got nothin’ but Noes,
So zip it, or I’ll call Security.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOSE or KNOWS or NOES”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
A harlot removed all her clothes
And remarked, “Fella, here’s how it goes:
Let my breasts, butt, and thighs
Be a feast for your eyes,
But one touch and you’ll pay through the nose.”
Tony Holmes:
“Yes, your conk is patrician. It shows
You have breeding: it’s more than a nose.
From your soles to your head,
You’re a true thoroughbred.
And another sure sign is six toes.”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The body’s a palace of woes:
Some think that the pit of the toes
Is the messiest spot,
But I think it’s snot
And must, in all truth, pick the nose.
Doug Harris:
Pinocchio’s (honestly) grows,
And Rudolph’s consistently glows.
While Jimmy Durante
In width upped the ante,
Cyrano de Bergerac knows.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve a theory I wish to propose,
As did Stein with “a rose is a rose”:
A snout and a sniffer
And whiffer may differ,
But a nose is a nose is a nose.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Folks like Trump are America’s foes.
These damned know-nothings cause us great woes,
With their vicious opinions
And vacuous minions.
I’d rather be led by the “knows.”
Tim James:
My limerick muse comes and goes.
How to keep her around, no one knows.
When she goes on the lam,
I can’t rhyme worth a damn.
I should think about sticking to prose.
Fred Bortz, for his two-verse “If Larry David wrote a certain 1960s situation comedy”:
Samantha would wiggle her nose
Whenever she needed new clothes.
But most times that she twitched
On the sitcom Bewitched,
New troubles for Darrin arose.
She was taught by her mother, Endora,
Who learned from her mother before her
How to raise Holy Hell
By casting a spell
With the Yiddish phrase, “Oy! Keinehora!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SECURITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Though I type at a reas’nable pace,
And slow-ly-put password in place,
The computer says “No.”
But I’m RIGHT! (I checked “Show.”)
But apparently, that’s not the CASE!
David Friedman:
The locks that Lynn keeps all about
Would keep her secure, there’s no doubt.
“They don’t,” giggles Lynn,
“Stop men getting in;
I use them so men can’t get out!”
Sharon Neeman:
My mother was terribly strict,
Locked me in when I dared contradict –
Till a crook down the block
Gave poor Mom such a shock,
When he proved that my “lock” could be picked.
Lisi Nortman:
In our neighborhood, there have been four
Sneaky break-ins, and ev’ryone’s sore.
But calm we remain,
Cuz our kids and Great Dane
Throw Legos all over the floor.
Fred Bortz:
He invested his savings in stock,
And now he is deeply in hock.
Our language is funny
When speaking of money.
Securities? What a huge crock!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A man who owned gold and would hide it
(always fearful that others had spied it),
Dug a hole six feet deep,
Where his treasure would keep.
In the end he was buried beside it.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: David Friedman, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, March 19th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
There once was a stressed sieve named Shane
Who cried, “People drive me insane!
They’ll scream and they’ll shout
If some food should drip out,
And I just cannot handle the strain!”
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special LINES-Themed Limerick Award for his funny “Romeo and Juliet” limerick:
Each thought that the other was hot,
Shared a love which their kinsfolk did not,
So got secretly wed,
Then got laid and got dead,
And right there, in five lines, is the plot.
Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Paul Haebig:
There once was a lim’rick unfinished.
Its impact was greatly diminished.
It made people whine:
“There’s no closing line!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
No way does your wordplay diminish
My int’rest for lack of a finish.
Your plot lines commence
To build up suspense
(Though your Fifth Act’s a little bit thinnish.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda Fuller, Dane Paulsen, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LINE-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Linda Fuller:
An actress who dressed to the nines,
Was obsessed with her facial age signs:
“Though an awful brain drain
And a terrible strain,
I ALWAYS remember my lines.”
Dane Paulsen:
My golf swing’s a thing to behold.
I follow the line, like I’m told.
But here is my bane;
Each swing is a strain.
They explain that I’m just getting old.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STRAIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
Hey Gene, please don’t mind me for asking,
As in posthumous fame you’re now basking.
So, was dancing a strain
When you sang in the rain,
Or, simply, routine multitasking?
Jean McEwen:
He fooled everyone, taking the prize
For glibness – maintaining the guise.
But he died from the strain
Of legerdemain–
Keeping track of those countless white lies.
Terry Marter:
She runs nude on the beach – such eye-candy;
Just the sight of her makes me feel randy.
I’m face-down but it’s plain
That I’m feeling the strain;
Getting sore, raw and painfully sandy.
Paul Haebig:
I’m really not one to complain
But lately I’m under such strain,
That for better or worse
To fashion a verse
Is too much for my poor, tired brain.
Doug Harris:
There once was a fellow named Wayne,
Whose guts often used to complain,
Till he found that hydration
Reduced constipation;
Now ablutions are less of a strain!
Lisi Nortman:
I wake up, 1,2,3, in a snap.
I’m an active and sprightly ol’ chap.
But I don’t want to strain
My tireless brain.
After rousing, I take a nice nap.
Sharon Neeman:
Half the morning I sweat and I strain
Making borscht in support of Ukraine;
Then my cat (who’s no fool),
Just as soon as it’s cool,
Eats it out of the pot. What a pain!
Tim James:
Ev’ry week, as I struggle and strain
To write lim’ricks for Madeleine Kane,
My subconscious says, “Son,
This takes wit and you’ve none.
Write Hallmark verse. Stay in your lane.”
Rudy Landesman:
Mrs. Robinson’s daughter Elaine
Was subjected to unheard of strain,
When her mother, one day,
Had her lecherous way
With Elaine’s very innocent swain.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LINES-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Civic Theater auditions went fine;
I was told that the lead would be mine.
But on opening night —
With my fame at its height —
The one word I could utter was “Line!”
Terry Marter:
While sailing and writing some prose,
He fell overboard – head over toes.
He yelled “I’ll be fine.
Someone throw me a line.”
All he got was “My dog has no nose…”
Jean McEwen:
At the TSA screening, the queue
Snakes for miles, so to quickly pass through,
Say you’ve broken a leg.
Without having to beg,
You’ll get quickly rolled through by the crew!
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My old Osteopath, Dr. Spec,
Ought to keep his opinions in check.
When on visits I whine
That my spine’s out of line,
In my file he writes, “Pain in the neck.”
Lisi Nortman:
The Parallels feel incomplete.
He is low, and she’s high on the sheet.
They long to be “one,”
But they’re not havin’ fun.
It’s a shame that they never will meet.
Sharon Neeman:
I’ve struggled two years to displace
50 pounds — and I’ve done it with grace!
I’m three sizes down —
But I still have to frown
When I see the new lines in my face.
Dave Johnson:
They met while in line at the store
And reflexively opted for more.
An evening spent;
Here’s a clue how it went:
Alexa was starting to snore.
Brian Allgar:
Their teacher said “One hundred lines
For making impertinent signs!”
“But Sir,” they complain,
“That’s a lot of cocaine,
And our dealers are all greedy swines.”
David Friedman:
There once was a lady named Mad
Who received many limericks bad —
With terrible rhymes
And then there were times
Where you just couldn’t believe how many extra syllables some of the final lines had!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dane Paulsen, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (491)
Saturday, January 22nd, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When his “urges” became more resurgent,
Certain pleas to his wife grew more urgent:
“Now that I’m growing old,
I will need to get bold…”
So she bought him a box of detergent.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INJURY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The hitch-hiker’s feeling quite glum,
And he thinks that it may have been dumb –
Stuck his hand out too fast
As a lorry shot past.
Now he’s waving goodbye to his thumb.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Bob Turvey, Byron Miller, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Doug Harris, Wildman, Steve Benko, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Friedman, Daisy Hyrkas, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BOLD or BOWLED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INJURY-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
A critic, – audacious and bold,
Said my rhymes were all corny and old.
He is now on the floor
With my large Volume Four, –
There’s some blood, and his body’s quite cold.
Mark Totterdell:
To eat a blue cheese, truth be told,
Is an action both risky and bold.
It could lead to your doom,
As that stuff you consume
Is old cow-juice all shot through with mold.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOLD or BOWLED”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
I put on my jacket and strolled
Past the lawn where the lawn-bowlers bowled.
I won’t join their sport
Because life is too short
And I’m not yet sufficiently old.
Kirk Miller:
The magazine’s concept was bold.
Origami designs would be sold.
But subscribers were few,
So the publisher knew
After only one issue, they’d fold.
Tim James:
A publisher’s wife had grown cold
And turned into a bit of a scold.
Did he push back? No way.
It’s a pity to say
That only his typeface is bold.
Roger Haugen:
Said the ram to his pal, “I’ve been told
There’s a flock of hot girls in that fold;
Why screw just one ewe?
I’m up for a few–
No time to be sheepish, but bold!”
Bob Turvey:
No – they can’t replace heroes of old,
Like Fleming. So clever. So bold.
It must have been thrillin’
To find penicillin –
After making him God broke the mould.
Terry Marter:
I dreamt that my lims had all sold,
For their wit and their style oh so bold.
Then awoke minus smile
As my eyes caught the pile, –
All withered and gathering mould.
Byron Miller:
I can’t count all the games that I’ve bowled
In these shoes now all moldy and holed.
But, a buyer I’ll catch
If I glue on a patch;
Time to get them resoled and resold.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Lady Longhorn, one hundred years old,
Breathed her last as her lover took hold.
He, not noticing this,
Said, when planting a kiss,
“Why so cold, if I may be so bold?”
Tim James:
The gal was especially bold.
Of my hands she had taken firm hold
And pressed both to her breast.
I then made a request:
“May I take a brief rest?” (God I’m old.)
Lisi Nortman:
I have frightening feelings of dread.
And unsettling thoughts in my head.
What’s more, I am old.
But today I was bold.
And actually got out of bed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INJURY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
I am secretly pleased that the limb
That I injured today at the gym
Needs a rest, cause truth told,
I’m decrepit and old
And this spandex look’s getting quite grim.
Doug Harris:
There’s many a tendon I’ve nursed
And how often I’ve landed head-first.
But likely dismissed
From the injury list –
A bruised ego is prob’ly the worst!
Terry Marter:
He was proud to be known far and wide
For the lions that lived by his side.
One day (on their whim)
He was torn limb from limb,
But none of it injured his pride.
Wildman:
In my Oculus world of illusion
I selected the game called ‘Confusion.’
Oh, I scored pretty well
Till I spun and then fell;
A new level achieved, called ‘Contusion.’
Steve Benko:
“Are you injured? Hire me, and we’ll sue!”
Said the billboard in red, white, and blue.
“The American way
Is to make someone pay;
You’ll get rich, and your lawyer will, too!”
Dave Johnson:
A porn film director named Rob
Was known for the insults he’d lob.
One time, way back when,
He kept yelling at Ken
For limping along on the job.
Roger Haugen:
The mugger cried out: “No more, please!”
As he cowered in pain on his knees;
He was soft in the head,
Or maybe brain-dead,
To think he could injure Louise.
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Gore
Whose nuts got shot off in the war.
He said, “Have no fears,
I’m married 10 years
So don’t really need ’em no more.”
Daisy Hyrkas:
I’ve chopped up my wrists with a knife,
But still I am clinging to life.
I’m clutching the note
That I angrily wrote,
Placing all of the blame on my wife.
Rudy Landesman:
Oh meter! Oh meter! Oh meter!
You’re sloppy. You stumble. You teeter
All over the place
And fall flat on your face.
You MUST mind your feet to be neater.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Wildman, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (487)
Saturday, November 27th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Santas Barbara, Ana and Cruz
May have charms to delight and amuse,
But for one special quality,
Seasonal jollity,
Claus is the Santa I’d choose.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RETIREMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The rat race is over. I’m done.
Retirement, I’ve found, is more fun.
After thousands of days
Running through that damn maze,
I had to concede. The rats won.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Sue Dulley, Mark Totterdell, Terry Marter, Christine Frier, Tim James, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Doug Harris, Tony Holmes, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUISE or CREWS or CRUSE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If he’d known there’d be watered-down booze;
Rowdy queues at the unisex loos;
Huge overstuffed trunks;
Two castaway skunks —
Noah would have said “no” to the cruise.
Brian Allgar:
We had taken a luxury cruise,
But my friend had drunk far too much booze.
They cried “Man overboard!”
And a ravenous horde
Of white sharks came to check the good news.
David Friedman:
A control on my car labeled ‘Cruise’
Is very intriguing to use:
I press it and ZIP!
I’m there on a ship
With swimming pools, buffets, and booze!
Sue Dulley:
Penélope Cruz and Tom Cruise
Once were partners, I heard on the news.
If he asked her to wed,
Here’s what she may have said:
“Change my name to Cruz-Cruise? I refuse!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A French artist emboldened by booze,
Asked a prostitute out on a cruise.
She replied, “Well, Lautrec —
Oh, hell, what the heck.
I really have nothing to lose.”
Mark Totterdell:
On that ship packed with creatures in twos,
With their bellows and roars, neighs and moos,
And their horrible stink,
I could not sleep a wink.
I’d award just one star to that cruise.
Terry Marter:
Had enough of ‘cool’ jazz in this freeze.
Made some notes to seek tropical breeze.
Got a gig on a cruise
With my horn, – playing blues
And some sizzling high ‘C’s on high seas.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My new beau, who calls couch a divan,
Will remind me, “It’s SKILLET, not pan.”
He says “con job” is ruse,
And a bottle’s a cruse,
Then he swigs all his beer from a can.
Christine Frier:
We were booked on the “Hook’ n High Seas.”
It’s a cruise where crocheting’s the tease.
But the action on cruise,
Was with husband and flooze.
The hooker was hooking high fees.
Tim James:
I met a young gal on a cruise;
She’s a lawyer, a cook, and a flooze.
Yes, this set-up is lame
And this punch line’s the same:
She’s a woman who sues, stews, and screws.
Mark Totterdell:
Sailing south over depths oceanic,
The polar bears realized, in panic,
That the fate of their cruise
Would be major world news,
As their iceberg had hit the Titanic.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RETIREMENT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Byron Miller:
I will never, it seems, be retired;
I guess planning ahead was required.
I lived for enjoyment,
Chose part-time employment —
Hope Walmart soon tells me I’m hired.
Brian Allgar:
I needed the garage’s wares,
And I’d taken my car for repairs.
“Please re-tire this car.”
They replied “Right you are.”
When I went back, they’d sold it for spares!
Lisi Nortman:
This job sure is makin’ me cry.
Can’t wait for my final goodbye.
But the figures now show
That I really can’t go
Till 20 years after I die.
Terry Marter:
There’s no way that I’ll ever retire,
Cuz my debt’s getting higher and higher.
Now I’m feeling the heat
From a loan shark named Pete,
As I leap from the pan to the fire.
Doug Harris:
Retirement? You workers can scoff,
As we creak and we stumble and cough.
But if you examine a
Pensioner’s stamina;
Be impressed – we don’t take a day off!
Brian Allgar:
The hooker had made enough dough,
And she felt a most virtuous glow
When she chose to retire
And join the church choir.
Her fav’rite composer? John Blow.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My kinfolk spawned nobody famous
(Who would claim us), except Uncle Amos.
He drew local attention,
Embezz’ling a pension.
So we moved out of town. Can you blame us?
Tony Holmes:
“I was free, at long last, to devote
All my time to restoring my boat.
The expenses surprised
And I’ve now been advised,
‘Get a job – it will keep you afloat.’”
Lisi Nortman:
Retirement! What a great life!
No more hassle, no conflicts, no strife!
The world feels so sweet,
And to make things complete
Tomorrow, I’m leaving my wife.
Steve Benko:
In retirement, what could I do?
But Madeleine, dear, then came you.
My life’s new direction
Is verbal confection;
It’s fun, since it seems I can’t screw.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Christine Frier, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Limerick Contest, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (483)
Saturday, October 30th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick and its unusually clever use of homonyms:
Willie the Wharf is in tiers.
He’s been dammed for the rest of his years.
No longer a dock,
He’ll be kept under lock
By a jury of all of his piers.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special LIMB-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said Adam, “Lord, be a good egg
And give me a woman, I beg.”
God replied, “I can try,
But the price will be high –
She will cost you an arm and a leg.”
“Well, I don’t need some posh memsahib,
And she mustn’t support Women’s Lib.
But I just can’t afford
To lose two limbs, dear Lord,
So what could I get for a rib?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Sondra Landin, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, Doug Harris, Mark Totterdell, Sally Rosoff, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DOCK or DOC”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
While looking for ducks off my dock,
You’ll see turtles, both real ones and mock,
And not too much later
You may see a ’gator!
I promise, this isn’t a croc.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An annoyed, anti-Freud kind of Doc,
Said my Oedipus Complex was schlock.
“You’ll never get happy
By marrying Pappy.
This fixation is pure poppycock!”
Terry Marter:
You stand to be judged in my dock
For indecently flashing your cock.
While I’m not a condoner
Of pervs with a boner
I DO like the style of your frock.
Sondra Landin:
An imposing fine figure, my doc;
He is thorough and caring – my rock.
When those five words I hear –
“Come see me next year,”
I think “Whew, not yet time to take stock!”
Bob Turvey:
“Hydrocephalus,” said an old Dane,
“Is a head full of water and pain.
To drain it, a doc
Transplanted my cock.
But now I have sex on the brain.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Lost my laptop, my job — I’m in hock.
Even Hightail, my dog, took a walk.
My canoe’s in the slough,
And my paycheck’s gone, too.
Now I haven’t one thing left to dock.
Sue Dulley:
I cooked some chow mein in my wok
Using two kinds of choy – pak and bok –
And some fungi I found
In the woods on the ground,
Now I’m dying to talk to my doc.
Tim James:
They won’t listen to Fauci the doc;
COVID science they cluelessly mock.
Get the jab? Wear a mask?
That’s just too much to ask!
What they’re full of they spew by the crock.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said a clown to his shrink, “I’ve a block,
And sound fuddier each time I talk.”
Urged the psych with a poke,
“So then let’s hear a joke.”
“Okay!” Cried the comic, “Doc Doc…”
Brian Allgar:
I had opened a vintage Medoc;
My first glass was a terrible shock.
My precious old red
Was a fraud, for instead,
It was nothing but watery hock!
Steve Benko:
“The Titanic is leaving the dock;
To believe it could sink is a crock,”
Said the captain. A clue,
Though, alarmed the whole crew,
For the man had a hole in his sock.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIMB-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Doug Harris:
I tripped on a simple tent peg:
Broke ankle and wrist, now I beg
For your limberick vote
For this punchline I wrote –
Coz it’s cost me an arm and a leg!
Tim James:
Want a lim about limbs? Here you are:
She has legs like a hot movie star,
Firmly muscled and tanned.
Oh, I bet they’d feel grand
Wrapped around me (no luck there so far.)
Mark Totterdell:
I had to return my pet starfish,
It was truly a well below par fish.
It had met with some harm
And had only one arm
Out of five, which is not even halfish.
Sally Rosoff:
He bragged about skill unsurpassed,
As a climber – we watched, all aghast.
The mistake made by him?
Going out on a limb.
Now he’s walking around in a cast.
Rudy Landesman:
The defendant walked out of the court
With a laugh and a sneer and a snort.
As he had predicted,
He was not convicted.
The long arm of the law was too short.
Jean McEwen:
I prefer that not all the world see
Every limb of my family tree
Because not too far out
You’ll find many a lout.
(In fact, one is my dad – first degree.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder, for her “The First Garden?”
In a tree, as serene as a chapel,
As the sun on its leaves paints a dapple,
A lone man on a limb
Hears a girl call to him —
“Hey, Stupid-head, bring me an apple!”
Terry Marter:
His new Guillotine’s gone to his head,
Cost an arm and a leg (so he said.)
He expected a slice
To be cut off the price.
Now he’s still very much in the red.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Dad was shot. Lost his legs. Had the blues.
But he smiled when he read last week’s news:
“Here at ‘Wooden Leg Mart’
Come today, if you’re smart.
Buy the legs, and we’ll throw in the shoes.”
Diane Groothuis:
When her boyfriend got down on one knee,
It sure was a fine sight to see.
He looked up at the sky
And then told her why:
“In my sock there’s a troublesome flea.”
Dave Johnson:
They said she went out on a limb;
Predicted her chances were slim.
Since “they” were all males,
This is one of those tales
With a “her” outperforming a “him.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Diane Groothuis, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sally Rosoff, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (481)
Saturday, August 21st, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A moll stole a stole; it’s a wrap,
Which she sold to a girl with a chap.
But the chap was a mole,
And the wrap the moll stole
Was set by the mole as a trap.
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special MOOD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“When I’m angry I know what to do,”
Said Donald, “to stop feeling blue.
I gather some friends
And some porn stars (all 10’s),
And together we stage a nice coup.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s rap,
That mindless, unmusical pap.
The name would be better
With one extra letter;
It should be referred to as ‘crap.’
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sondra Landin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WRAP/RAP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO MOOD-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sondra Landin:
Will she be in the mood for a wrap,
At that place with the good brew on tap?
No, she’ll spout with a sneer,
“I never touch beer,
And I don’t eat that crap – not a scrap!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WRAP/RAP”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With a beat and a stomp and a clap,
“We Will Rock You” went wild in a snap.
Although what’s it all mean,
If God can’t save the Queen,
Who created Bohemian Rhap?
Bob Turvey:
When a well-dressed and handsome young chap,
On the privy door gave a sharp rap,
It opened, and Jane
Said, “God, you again.
Can’t a girl have some peace for a nap?”
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s MAGA brigade has a chap
Who’s busy producing a cap.
It’s silver, not red,
That’s adorning each head…
With Reynolds providing the Wrap.
Lisi Nortman:
“I am too old to get into rap.
I don’t care, cause that hip-hop is crap.
Used to party and drink.
At the girls, I would wink.
But right now “Happy Hour’s” a nap.”
Tim James:
She was wearing a nice dress and wrap
When her man went and set off a scrap:
“An ensemble like that
Makes your butt look less fat!”
Now he’s learned to shut firmly his yap.
Steve Benko:
I’m Notorious Steve, here’s my rap:
I love strippers who dance in my lap.
I entice ’em with verse,
And my poems are terse;
Just five lines, then I grab, and they slap.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Poe would clap o’er his ears a wool cap,
When his nerd of a bird spoiled his nap.
“In my haven, old raven,
You crave misbehavin’,
But jeez,” he cried, “PLEASE! No more rap!”
Terry Marter:
A detective with questions to ask,
Said “Do NOT interfere with my task.
You’ve been caught, cut the crap.
You’ll be taking the rap
For robbing a bank with no mask.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MOOD-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Doug Harris:
“Hey my darling, are you in the mood?
Testosterone fully imbued?”
“Yes I am!,” my reply…
“How I love D-I-Y,
The best way for a man to get screwed!”
Tim James:
There once was a lawyer named Rudy
Whose cash flow was making him moody.
“Lord Trump, it’s no joke;
Pay my fees or I’m broke!”
The reply: “Stick those bills up your booty!”
Terry Marter:
Now sometimes, when I’m in the mood
I do life-drawing class (I’m no prude).
But the model looks stressed
Fully dressed, – unimpressed
That I choose to paint HIM while I’m nude.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though my mood ring is now an antique,
I still wear it (my friends say it’s chic.)
That the color each day
Is primarily gray,
Simply means I’m approaching my pique.
Fred Bortz:
The farmer deserves to be booed.
His dairy production is crude.
His yogurt tastes funky.
His milk pours out chunky.
And his cattle sound off their bad mooed.
Terry Marter:
She had set up the room for her Tim;
Moody music, – romantic’ly dim.
Then got stoned in the nude,
Woke up with some dude
Who said “Tim couldn’t make it , – I’m Jim.”
Tony Holmes:
I’ve been tossed on the scrapheap of life.
Lost it all – favour, fortune, and wife.
But what brightens my mood,
Should depression intrude,
Is the thought that misfortune is rife.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When egged on to be snotty or mean,
A good mood helps me keep my nose clean.
Left with egg on my face,
Is a tacky disgrace,
But less messy than venting my spleen.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (476)
Saturday, July 10th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I’m so square, I get dizzy on gin —
Just one round and my head starts to spin.
Then I circle about,
Quite obtusely, no doubt,
Wond’ring what kind of shape I am in.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ETIQUETTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a Spin-Rhyme limerick:
Tim James:
Here’s some dating advice with no spin:
Treat the gal with respect, and you win!
Buy her choc’late and bling.
Oh, there’s one final thing:
Just make sure that she isn’t your kin.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Doug Harris, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Steve Benko, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ETIQUETTE LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
After eating his kith and his kin,
Sweeney asked Mrs. L for her spin
On the practice of such.
She said, “Don’t eat too much,
Because gluttony, luv, is a sin.”
Daisy Hyrkas:
I drank a small bathtub of gin
And felt my head starting to spin.
I got a rebuke
Cuz Mom saw me puke
Two steps before I reached the bin.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
When a college boy gave you his “pin,”
You went into a jubilant spin.
So un-worldly were we,
We just didn’t foresee
That the pin was a pass to get in.
Sue Dulley:
I can’t wait for my life to begin.
Mom’s a skater, and with ev’ry spin
I get dizzy; I groan
To myself all alone –
If I had one, I’d moan to my twin.
Doug Harris:
I dated a ballet brunette.
Drove me wild did that lissome coquette.
When I said, “Please jump in
And let’s go for a spin,”
She surprised with a long pirouette.
Terry Marter:
So what kind of guilt-laden spin
Is this bullshit, – Original Sin?
We fools should believe
It’s from Adam and Eve?
It’s a ‘Cult’ that I’m glad I’m not in.
Rudy Landesman:
Cole Porter and Irving Berlin.
And Gershwin? Let’s do throw him in.
These guys were prolific.
Their songs were terrific.
To count them would make your head spin.
Steve Benko:
“This indictment’s a kick in the shin,
And I can’t get a pardon like Flynn,”
Groaned Weisselberg. “Allen,”
Said Trump, “Here’s a gallon
Of bullshit to give it good spin.”
Tim James:
A guy took a gal for a spin.
They parked, and committed a sin.
Then the car wouldn’t start,
So she fixed it. (She’s smart.)
She puts out and knows autos? Win-win!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ETIQUETTE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
My father is groping my ma.
In public! It’s quite the faux pas.
But my mom acts no better;
She whips off her sweater
And leashes his neck with her bra.
Terry Marter:
My opinion is Doc you’ve got guts,
If you think that with no ifs or buts,
You can check out my glands
With your freezing cold hands.
The price of such folly? Your Nuts!
Lisi Nortman:
“Now listen here, know-it-all chap:
I’ve deaf ears to your old-fashioned crap!
At 90 years old,
I’m feelin’ real bold,
And will NOT fold my hands on my lap.”
Jean McEwen:
When dining with others, please chew,
And then swallow your food before you
Try to talk prematurely,
’Cause otherwise, surely,
You’ll spray those around you with goo.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With proboscis upturned she will pace,
As she sniffs with disdain at my place.
Acting snooty (it stinks),
It’s her duty (she thinks).
It’s as plain as the nose on her face.
Tim James:
I used to let people incite me;
I’d yell and invite them to fight me.
Good manners I learned
From the beat-downs I earned.
Now I calmly tell folks just to bite me.
Sondra Landin:
’Twas a must-attend ‘manners’ oration,
With dull discourse and scant information.
But then we could chug
Champagne from a mug!
That ‘manner’ sparked much jubilation!
Roger Haugen:
A blooming but bashful coquette
Bit into a luscious baguette;
The roll was so sweet,
She barfed on her feet.
A societal queen? Not just yet.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Darling daughter, you must act with grace.
Keep a sweet, pleasant smile on your face.
Use a tissue to sneeze.
Say ‘thank you’ and ‘please.'”
“Thank you, Mama. Please get off my case!”
Tony Holmes:
In the etiquette stakes meine frau
Has the lead by a nose. This is how:
When in flatulent mode,
She will clench, as per code,
Then discreetly release as a sough.
Steve Benko:
Amy Vanderbilt once made a rule
That a gentleman never should drool.
But where topless girls prance
On the beaches of France,
To enforce it would surely be cruel.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Daisy Hyrkas, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (473)
Saturday, April 17th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)
Sue Dulley:
Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.
Brian Allgar:
Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.
Sondra Landin:
The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”
Kirk Miller:
The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.
Tim James:
Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.
Brian Allgar:
The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.
Terry Marter:
In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.
Doug Harris:
As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.
Rudy Landesman:
The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?
Tim James:
A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”
Mark Totterdell:
A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.
Jean McEwen:
It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.
Terry Marter:
Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.
Rudy Landesman:
A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.
Tim James:
“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”
Kirk Miller:
The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (467)
Saturday, December 19th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Those in line surreptitiously groan,
“He’s been in there all day with his phone.”
But they’d rather implode
Than the King discommode,
So they won’t push him off of the throne.
Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special MARKET-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My trip to the market was fruitless,
Also vegetable-, stem-, stalk-, and root-less.
They have nothing I need,
But it’s still guaranteed
When I’m done with my shopping I’m loot-less.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MODE/MOWED/COMMODE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
My dad had a very large load
Of bad jokes, which he loved (and it showed.)
“How’d that brave frontier guy,
Davy Crockett, like pie?”
The right answer, of course: “Alamo’d.”
Tony Holmes:
Mister Keats wrote an ode to an urn,
Which is why I will try, in my turn,
To compose you an ode
To my treasured commode.
I’m no Keats, I am sure you’ll discern.
Terry Marter:
We had an old leaky commode
Where the pipes had begun to corrode.
One day, when Mum flushed,
It all bust, and out gushed
The full contents, – a fine Mother-load.
Craig Dykstra:
On the beach, in her thong, she bestowed
Treats to onlookers – everything showed!
But now back home in Philly
Her short skirts are chilly –
She’s regretting her “Pie à la Mowed.”
Tim James:
She’s in furious spring-cleaning mode;
Her superfluous stuff she’ll unload.
Ancient clothing, CDs,
Old computers, TVs,
And her boyfriend sit out by the road.
Doug Harris:
With fashion-sense I’ve been bestowed.
(A picture should shortly upload.)
My barber’s main style
Is ‘farm rank & file.’
He says it’s all quite à-la-mowed!
Sharon Neeman:
Since I learned my cat knows the word “vet,”
I say “market” to baffle the pet —
But this morning, I erred
And employed the right word,
And we’re both now extremely upset:
Kitty leaped into daredevil mode!
All the way down the counter she strode,
Then flew up to the freezer!
She’s STILL there. Can’t seize her.
I mustn’t forget to use code.
Fred Bortz:
Marie Antoinette wrote an ode
To the people on whose backs she rode.
But she made a mistake
Saying, “Let them eat cake!”
When it should have been pie a la mode.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MARKET LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
An Invisible Hand’s said to be
Guiding markets, as long as they’re free.
Well, I’ve seen it. It mocks
Ev’ry one of my stocks.
Guess which finger it’s raising at me.
Brian Allgar:
“That’s a great deal on eBay,” I mused.
“Thirty toilet rolls – can’t be refused!”
But today, what I got ….
Well, I’d failed to spot
The description “Condition is: USED.”
Sharon Neeman:
I need food! How to get to the market?
By car? I’ll have no place to park it.
By bus? I’m too lazy —
Me? Bike?? Are you crazy???
I guess I’ll stay hungry… oh, fark it.
Terry Marter:
At the auction, my earlier tea
Found my bladder just bursting to pee;
Raised my hand for a pause
To attend to my cause.
Oops – too late – I now own a Dalí.
Bob Turvey:
Said our marketing man, “A sensation!
Our dildoes have thrilled the whole nation.
Why in South Delaware
We’ve the whole market share;
We’ve a hundred percent penetration.”
Lisi Nortman:
I went shopping today on a spree!
For breakfast, I only had tea!
I was starving; went wild,
Like an uncontrolled child.
I’m the proud owner now of aisle three.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Four piggies to market were taken.
(The fifth was too smart to awaken.)
One went all to pieces
And faked enuresis.
The rest had to bring home the bacon.
Tim James:
At the market — it’s more like a zoo —
There are crowds, but the face masks are few.
So much saleable stuff!
But it isn’t enough
’Cause these people still can’t buy a clue.
Tony Holmes:
Gladys fancied a farmer she’d met
At the market. Her only regret
Was that much of his food
Was, in shape, very rude,
And she’d blush like a seasoned coquette.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, November 21st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
This may not be a subject for jokes,
But I’m one of a whole bunch of folks
Who’d be pleased if a spell
Turned the Leader from Hell
To a frog… and won’t mind if he croaks.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special CONFESSION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“As I watched Mrs. Smithers undress,
I confess, I was under duress.
Were it not for the ropes
That now shackled my hopes,
I would leap to her side and transgress.”
Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Hi, I’m Rick; I’m a lim’rickaholic.
Through these fun little verses I frolic,
Neglecting my wife
And all else in my life.
(These poems are so damn diabolic!)
As I lie awake nights, I confesses
I am not counting sheep, only stresses.
Is that line “da da DUM?”
Will the rhyme to me come?
All my lims seem meandering messes.
Is there help somewhere, ’fore I just drop?
I feel like my brain’s gonna pop.
So I must get away,
At least for one day.
(What the heck. Just one more. Then I’ll stop!)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPELL or DISPEL OR MISSPELL” RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
I call, um, the powers of hell…
I can never remember this spell!
To mix up the potion,
Which way is the motion?
And how many tolls of the bell?
Doug Harris:
Old Merlin ain’t feeling too well:
“This brewing of leeches is hell.
Dismembering toads
Is disturbing me loads.
I think I’ll lie down for a spell …”
Jean McEwen:
One word I routinely misspell
Is the proper noun “Madduhmoyzell.”
Native French speakers hiss
At my substitute (“Miss”)–
But it covers my deficit well.
Fred Bortz:
In wizard school I have done well.
I’m super at casting a spell.
Though she barks like a dog,
And he croaks like a frog,
My Bubbie and Zadie still kvell.
Lisi Nortman:
Some foreigners try hard to spell.
Yet with plurals they’ll never excel.
If “mouses” are mice,
But “houses” ain’t “hice,”
What’s the diff’rence, and how can they tell?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
They’re too much for mere mortals to handle —
Ceaseless lies and continuous scandal.
So for Joe to dispel
All these demons from Hell,
He’ll be needing a bell, book and candle.
Brian Allgar:
my teechers complaned I cant spell
punktuashun is louzy as well
still evrywun sez
i desserve to be prez
but joe byden has cheeted like hell
Tim James:
Said the raconteur: “Come, set a spell.
Here’s a story I’ve wanted to tell:
This young gal — such a dream! —
Slipped and fell in a stream.
So I spent the day wringing that belle.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I remember my skool days so well,
When lunch was anounced by a bell.
We’d sit in a grupe
Sharing alphabet supe.
And that’s where I lerned how to spel.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFESSION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
O Father, my life’s not fulfilling.
I obsess about things that are chilling.
I confess that I drink;
I can’t stop, cuz I think
That I just may replace it with killing.
Jean McEwen:
Priests must sublimate all their aggressions
And give up almost all their possessions.
But their job has one perk:
In the booth, they can jerk
Off discreetly to kinky confessions.
Sharon Neeman:
Someone here’s made an absolute mess!
Ate my sandwich, threw up on my dress,
Tracked in mud on my bed…
T.S. Eliot said,
“The cat knows, but will never confess.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Confession has sacred appeal.
You avow what you’ve tried to conceal.
It cleanses the soul.
Once again, you feel whole.
Then continue to lie, cheat and steal.
Brian Allgar:
The Bishop said: “Hear my confession …”
The priest wore a puzzled expression.
“But why come to me?”
Said the Bish, “Well, you see,
It was YOUR wife who caused my transgression.”
Tony Holmes:
Seems confession is good for the soul.
I, for one, have gained much on the whole.
I confessed what I’d seen
To my dad and Darleen,
And they added some cash to my roll.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Richard Campbell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, February 23rd, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a Deal-rhyme limerick and an Argument-themed limerick:
Though the guy had seduction in view,
She had argued the whole evening through.
At the end of the meal,
She explained: “Here’s the deal –
If you want me, my girl-friend comes too.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ARGUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
People argue online quite a bit;
Many tweets are just quarrelsome shit.
I have one thing to say
About Twitter today:
The emphasis lies on the “Twit.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and CRAIG DYKSTRA, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Sharon Neeman:
“Let’s play cards,” said my date. “Look, I’ll deal
One card each; if you lose, you must peel.”
He drew ten; I drew nine;
He snapped “Well?” I said “Fine!” —
And prepared all the spuds for our meal.
Craig Dykstra:
Then he said “I propose something greater:
To your sexual whims I will cater.
Skip the kitchen ordeal,
We’ll make love with great zeal –
And if time allows, cook taters later!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, John Shardlow, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Thomas Vincent, Doug Harris, Victor Hood, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Judith H. Block, Jean McEwen, and Margie Nairn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ARGUMENT LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“I’ll make dinner all week,” said my spouse,
“If you let me off cleaning the house.”
“Are you crazy? No deal!
Your idea of a meal
Is cold hot dogs! Start scrubbing, you louse!”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her acrostic limerick:
A tiff can be quite an ordeal.
Remember it takes time to heal.
Get a bottle of wine;
Uncork — don’t decline.
End your fight and go have a nice meal.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME DIVISION)
John Shardlow:
A money mad girl from Great Billing
Was for coins of the realm always willing;
For just three pence, the deal
Would give you a feel.
Now think what she’d do for a shilling!
Tim James:
You think Stone has cojones? Get real.
He’ll take one look at Mueller and deal.
When he’s finished, this crook
Will have written a book
With the title “The Art of the Squeal.”
Brian Allgar:
The hooker gave Donald her spiel:
“Oh, your penis is simply ideal!
What a wonderful dick!
Not too long, not too thick!”
(Thinks: “It’s more of a snack than a meal.”)
Thomas Vincent:
The truth has become an ordeal,
And the facts have all lost their appeal.
Like Salvador Dali,
You betcha by golly,
Reality’s turning surreal.
Doug Harris:
“Two-for-one on new lenses, a steal,”
The optometrist said with appeal,
Through his monocle stare.
“I buy mine by the pair,”
I replied. “So it’s hardly eye-deal!”
Victor Hood:
The neophyte gambler had zeal,
So he said to the dealer, “Just deal!”
With his purse soon consumed,
He said as he fumed:
“This game has lost all its appeal.”
Robert Schechter:
I have heard people say, “Wheel and deal,”
And I know the word “deal” to be real.
In commonplace jargon
It just means to bargain,
But what does it mean when we “wheel”?
Tim James:
Achilles got quite the raw deal:
He got shot in the foot. The appeal
Went from Greece to on high:
“O you gods! Will he die?”
The response from Olympus: “Yes, he’ll.”
Byron Miller:
Social media’s such an ordeal;
It compels me to tweet how I feel.
Now I can’t sit alone
Without holding my phone
And I won’t face a book that is real.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ARGUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The toilet roll’s really a wonder
When properly pulled from way under.
But John turned it around,
So it dropped to the ground,
And that is what tore us asunder.
Dave Johnson:
They went to a party last night
That led to a late-evening fight.
His wandering eyes
Earned a painful surprise:
“The couch!” as she reached for the light.
David Friedman:
Ann Marie argued daily with Joel,
Who would leave the seat up on the bowl.
Joel had to leave town
On the day Ann sat down
And got her ass wedged in the hole.
Judith H. Block:
The bistro had soft candle lighting.
Her smile was come-hither, inviting.
But her throat got a lump
When he praised Donald Trump,
And they ended up angry and fighting.
Jean McEwen:
Do you think I should marry my beau?
There are arguments — both con and pro.
He’s obnoxious and loud,
But he’s SO well endowed,
And it’s hard to resist all of that dough.
Dave Johnson:
They sometimes may quarrel at night;
Declaring who’s wrong and who’s right.
But then he will say
“Let’s just call it a day.”
He would much rather dicker than fight.
Margie Nairn:
I’m done with the Sunday talk shows
That feature political foes.
They will argue and spin
Over which one will win,
When the truth is that nobody knows.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Craig Dykstra, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Margie Nairn, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Victor Hood, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (316)
Saturday, April 14th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.
Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”
Marty Gerendasy:
Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.
Sharon Neeman:
They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”
Jean McEwen:
I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!
Konrad Schwoerke:
My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.
Doug Harris:
He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …
Bruce Niedt:
A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”
John Bergstrom:
Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.
Byron Miller:
Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.
Tony Holmes:
“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Marty Gerendasy:
Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!
Fred Bortz:
It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)
Jean McEwen:
From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.
Dave Johnson:
It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.
Tim James:
Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce Niedt, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (295)
