Posts Tagged ‘Doug Harris’

Limerick-Off Award (295)

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”

Marty Gerendasy:

Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.

Sharon Neeman:

They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”

Jean McEwen:

I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!

Konrad Schwoerke:

My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.

Doug Harris:

He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …

Bruce Niedt:

A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”

John Bergstrom:

Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.

Byron Miller:

Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.

Tony Holmes:

“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!

Fred Bortz:

It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)

Jean McEwen:

From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.

Dave Johnson:

It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.

Tim James:

Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (95)

Sunday, January 6th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman had made a long list
Of scents that were hard to resist.
She doused and she sprayed,
But never got laid
Cause a bath was a step she had missed.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special New Year’s-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

New Year’s Eve is a time to reflect
On the things we would like to perfect,
So I vow, here and now,
If my lim’ricks don’t wow,
Then at least they will leave you erect.

This week, we have a Facebook Friends’ Choice Award tie between Jane Shelton Hoffman and Craig Dykstra. So congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, whose scent-filled limerick gets this additional recognition. And congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who co-won this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:

The guests had been checked off the list.
Vows were read, bride and groom had been kissed.
Said the priest: “With these kisses,
You’re legally Mrs.
As of now, you are hereby dis-Miss’d.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Konrad Schwoerke, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred,
Jamie Hutchinson, and Doug Harris. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

A five-year-old read through his list
And noted what Santa had missed:
“No laptop computer,
Nor motorized scooter.”
Then thought, “Does he really exist?”

Konrad Schwoerke:

As Santa was checking his list,
He discovered a thing he had missed.
“Financiers, as a whole,
Should receive only coal.”
Read the latest North Poll — folks are pissed!

Chris Doyle:

Chubby Checker was making a list
Of the groupies he’d more than just kissed.
He grew wistful recalling
One evening of balling–
His very first Peppermint Tryst.

Steve Whitred:

There’s a new actuarial list
For some claims that will soon be dismissed.
In fact, now we are told
The disease “getting old”
Is among those we know pre-exist.

Jamie Hutchinson:

Said a doc, “At the top of my list—
My greatest success, I insist—
Was the time, with my knife,
When I saved a young life
By removing a man from a cyst.”

Doug Harris:

2012 left your body abused —
Cholesterol-ridden and boozed.
Can’t invent evolutions
Of new resolutions?
Use last year’s — still wrapped and un-used!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!