Posts Tagged ‘Margie Nairn’

Limerick-Off Award (310)

Saturday, November 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said a personal ad that was placed
By a woman some claimed was unchaste:
“They think I’m immoral
But I’m only oral
With men of impeccable taste.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FOOTWEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I have heard of a cat (Russian Blue)
Who would frequently pee in a shoe.
If I got one for Trump,
Could I teach it to dump?
He deserves solid Russian gifts, too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLACED” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

When in public she’s very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But in secret, she gloats
Over sowing wild oats.
Is her guilt for those urges displaced?

Sharon Neeman:

Roasting turkey? Use whiskey to baste
(Not the bird, but the guests) till well laced.
Please believe me: when high,
They won’t know the bird’s dry,
And your trust in me won’t be misplaced.

Tim James:

A woman preferred to stay chaste
Before marriage. She therefore replaced
Standard nookie with head.
What’s the news from her bed?
Word of mouth: she’s a gal of good taste.

Brian Allgar:

“The Balkans or Baltics, who cares?
That war happened,” the Donald declares.
“So I got them misplaced?
Well, it’s gotta be faced,
They’re all BALs, so the fault must be theirs.”

Tony Holmes:

As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we disgraced?

David Friedman:

I fear we are currently faced
With an earth that will soon be replaced
With poisonous waves
That waft past our graves
Of toxic industrial waste.

Sharon Neeman:

“I’m ruined,” she whispered, white-faced;
“The horse that I backed was outpaced!
My Little Miss Muffet
Came second — oh, stuff it!
Two million to win, and Miss placed.”

Tim Gray:

I tripped and by accident placed
My hand on an Arab girl’s waist.
And you should have heard ’er;
She screamed bloody murder.
By her father and brother I’m chased.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My life is a damn total waste;
All the money I stole has been traced.
So I’m running amok,
And the “L” in my luck
With an “F” has been surely replaced.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOTWEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Her stilettos were stunning. What’s more,
She had fine thigh-high boots by the score.
I was truly obsessed
By the way that she dressed ―
Because footwear was all that she wore.

Lisi Nortman:

New shoes always play a great role
In something called Sadness Control.
Though they won’t change your life,
When you’re feeling some strife
They do wonders for lifting your sole.

Margie Nairn:

In order to dance like Astaire,
Your feet must feel lighter than air.
It’s all in the shoes,
So be sure that you choose
A stylish but comfortable pair.

David Friedman:

There once was a wealthy young gopher
Who lived in Shaquille O’Neal’s loafer.
He said, “I can go
From the heel to the toe,
But only if I call the chauffeur.”

Fred Bortz:

He punted from where it was slick,
Caught his cleats, broke his leg like a stick.
While his fracture was healing,
They asked, “How ya feeling?”
“Pretty good,” he replied. “I can’t kick.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (309)

Saturday, October 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A hacker of criminal bent
Pilfered money wherever he went.
Cyber bloodhounds gave chase,
But this guy was an ace ―
And he left them with nary a (s)cent.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special GAMBLING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Online poker was making me bold,
And I thought I knew just when to fold
Up until my sweet spouse
Cried “There’s SNOW in the house!”
Then I realized my luck had gone cold.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Tim James, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, Margie Nairn, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCENT, SENT, or CENT” RHYME DIVISION)

Michael Moulton:

A man on a peak in a tent
Was a happily bean-eating gent.
But he fouled all the air,
Which was thin way up there;
Left him craving a rapid de-scent.

Tim James:

A communist wanted to rent
A young whore till his urges were spent.
But this hard-working doxy
Showed free-market moxie
And took him for ev’ry Red cent.

David Friedman:

Sherlock Holmes, peering down with back bent
Said, “Watson, I’m hot on the scent!”
But Watson said, “Rot!
I rather think not.
You just walked into soggy cement!”

Sharon Neeman:

I never will give my consent
To “infer” when “imply” is what’s meant,
“There” for “their,” “then” for “than,”
“Cant” for “can’t,” “may” for “can,”
Or a tab for a first line indent.

Dave Johnson:

The preacher yells “You must repent!
Damnation shall mark your descent!”
But salvation is not
His intention or thought;
These “sinners” keep paying the rent.

Dale S. Biggs:

A skunk doesn’t stink, but its spray
Keeps the skunk from becoming fair prey.
With a nasty, rank scent
From a gland they can vent
They’re the masters of all they survey!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAMBLING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Joe’s luck at casinos in Reno
Has run dry, and that new palomino
That he liked at the track
Has now started to slack.
All he’s left with to play’s online Keno.

Brian Allgar:

“If he wins, I shall eat it!” I spat.
“Trump’s a moron, a spoiled, ageing brat!”
Today, I am rueing
My wager, still chewing
That huge, indigestible hat.

Tony Holmes:

“It’s a dead cert’!” he said of the horse.
I believed him and backed it, of course.
Dead was right! Lost my shirt,
Which, I promise you, hurt,
But not nearly as much as divorce.

Sharon Neeman:

MBS’s accounts all ring hollow,
And each version is harder to swallow.
Though I don’t often wager
On anything major,
I’ll bet there’s more bullshit to follow.

Ken Gosse:

He gambled that he could make sense
Of a string of unlucky events,
But the dots on his dice
Like the best men and mice
Went awry. (Not the kind that ferments.)

Tim James:

His casinos went bankrupt. This lout
Is a screw-up, without any doubt.
He’s incompetent, vain.
It’s increasingly plain
That we, as a nation, crapped out.

Margie Nairn:

My father would stop off for gambling;
On his way home from work he was rambling.
His money was spent
Down to every last cent,
So for rent we would always be scrambling.

Kirk Miller:

For people like me, there’s no doubt
That the gambling wheel carries much clout.
When I play, if I lose
Lots of cash, I may choose
To gamble more. Don’t roulette out.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest