Posts Tagged ‘Tim Gray’

Limerick-Off Award (329)

Sunday, August 25th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Here’s a verse for a sympathy card:
“I regret that your life’s been so hard.
But mine’s been much worse
So I just can’t disburse
Any pity for you.” (Signed, “The Bard.”)

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special HOBBY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A couple went out one fine day
Watching birds (as they later would say).
They agreed to begin
With a cardinal sin
And to end by enjoying a jay.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Tim Gray, Roger Haugen, David Kay a/k/a LimeriTweets a/k/a WoodyGuth3, Bill Pfeil, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CARD” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

A.G. Barr plays the Potus’s card,
The “Can’t be indicted” canard.
This lying old creep
Sells his honor too cheap;
Let us hope that he’ll soon be disBarred.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

It’s important! You must disregard
Certain mail, even though it is hard.
Throw it right in the trash
As quick as a flash,
If it says, “Pre-approved Credit Card.”

Tim James:

I once knew a guy named Bernard
Who held gals in the lowest regard.
When he met one buff lass,
He grabbed hold of her ass.
I sent him a nice get-well card.

Tim Gray:

If you want to be feathered and tarred,
Tell the truth on Trump’s golfing score card.
Just double the score,
So a two putt means four,
But prepare to be roasted and charred.

Roger Haugen:

He grunted and sweated and sparred,
Tuning up for the big boxing card;
But worst came to worst–
Knocked out in the first;
All that work couldn’t shed enough lard.

David Kay:

Your contest just caught me off guard,
And your rules truly make it quite hard.
I’ll give it a shot
With the best that I got,
But I’ll have to bring in a Trump card.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOBBY-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Writing lim’ricks is quite an obsession;
You burst with creative expression.
Is it just a pursuit
To be clever or cute?
(Or is it demonic possession?)

Brian Allgar:

Our beloved Commander-in-Chief
Is heaving a sigh of relief.
His “hobby,” so lewd,
Will remain unpursued.
“Poor Jeffrey!” he cries, with fake grief.

Bill Pfeil:

The show’s graphic and gross! Viewers cringe;
It is vulgar TV on the fringe.
Moral decency? None!
“But it’s brilliant and fun,”
‘Rick and Morty’ fans say as they binge.

Tim James:

I was sick, bored, confined to my bed,
So my wife gave me needle and thread.
“It’s embroid’ry. Explore it!”
I’d no talent for it.
“Stick with it!” was all that she said.

Jean McEwen:

A drum majorette, past her heyday,
Was suddenly heard to cry “MAY DAY!”–
As her aim (inexact)
Got her skull whacked and cracked.
(Now she twirls just for fun, not a payday.)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I tried to get into the groove
And ski till I’d surely improve.
But I really got scared
And just wasn’t prepared
For the sign: “CAUTION: Trees Do Not Move!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (323)

Saturday, June 1st, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to HILDY ZAMPELLA, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Each evening, as darkness approaches,
See them scurry about, all the roaches.
What a friendly old dump;
Even rats nice and plump
Come on out just to say “buenas noches.”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Cuisine-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend and I in the kitchen
Make a sauce that we both find bewitchin’.
In this recipe French
She behaves like a wench,
And I peel off her layers of stitchin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Kim Norman, Dave Johnson, Bruce McGuffin, David Friedman, and John Edwards. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DUMP” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He placed his gargantuan rump
On the solid-gold toilet. Said Trump,
On inspecting the haul,
“That’s the greatest of all!
Bette Davis was right: What a dump!”

Sharon Neeman:

As we jogged down the street past the dump,
I heard a most ominous thump:
The stench of decay
Made my partner first sway,
Then stagger, then fall on his rump.

Jean McEwen:

I have frequently wondered how Trump,
Who, possessed of a sizable rump
And comportment so haughty,
Approaches the potty
When driven to take a large dump.

Tim James:

A guy who was dumb as a stump
Took his gal to a landfill to hump.
She had too much panache
To make love among trash.
The result: he got dumped at the dump.

Tim Gray:

The Tower of one Mr. Trump
Is having a bit of a slump.
Tenant treatment’s appalling,
And values are falling.
Is it slowly becoming a dump?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CUISINE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When dining in China, I’m faced
With a quandary: Whether to taste
The still-squiggling fish
That they’ll plop on my dish,
Or head for McDonald’s post-haste.

Lisi Nortman:

Eating “whole foods” and seeds made me quake.
Grains and seaweed sure gave me an ache.
And when I first tried flax
I just couldn’t relax;
Turning vegan was one huge missed steak!

Sharon Neeman:

Mark looked at her glass and said “Gad!
What an awful drink YOU almost had!
The French may cook frogs;
Balinese may roast dogs —
But you just can’t drink ladybugs*, Mad!”

* And yes, I came very close to swallowing a ladybug. Fortunately, I noticed it swimming in my glass of water, just as I was about to take a large sip.

Kirk Miller:

By making some food in a flurry,
The cook got a raise in a hurry
From her Indian boss
For a fabulous sauce.
And she did it by favoring curry.

Kim Norman:

When people go vegan, they shout it.
Their food’s never butchered; they sprout it.
With tofu and grains,
They’ve unfettered their veins.
If only they’d shut up about it!

Dave Johnson:

The White House is lacking in flair
When champion sports teams are there.
It’s Big Macs and fries
For just some of their guys;
The rest skipped the whole, dumb affair.

Bruce McGuffin:

To eat with your feet is just rude.
It’s barbaric, revolting and crude.
But I’ve got to try it
As part of my diet.
Instead of meat, I’ll eat toe food.

David Friedman:

Said Anton, a consummate foodie,
“My dishes are things of great beauty;
They’re gorgeous, nutritious,
Gourmet and delicious,
But always just end up as doodie.”

John Edwards:

There’s a chef who likes venting his spleen
On TV, whilst preparing cuisine.
And his language I fear
Means no knighthood next year.
You CAN’T say “F… off” to the Queen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (310)

Saturday, November 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said a personal ad that was placed
By a woman some claimed was unchaste:
“They think I’m immoral
But I’m only oral
With men of impeccable taste.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FOOTWEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I have heard of a cat (Russian Blue)
Who would frequently pee in a shoe.
If I got one for Trump,
Could I teach it to dump?
He deserves solid Russian gifts, too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLACED” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

When in public she’s very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But in secret, she gloats
Over sowing wild oats.
Is her guilt for those urges displaced?

Sharon Neeman:

Roasting turkey? Use whiskey to baste
(Not the bird, but the guests) till well laced.
Please believe me: when high,
They won’t know the bird’s dry,
And your trust in me won’t be misplaced.

Tim James:

A woman preferred to stay chaste
Before marriage. She therefore replaced
Standard nookie with head.
What’s the news from her bed?
Word of mouth: she’s a gal of good taste.

Brian Allgar:

“The Balkans or Baltics, who cares?
That war happened,” the Donald declares.
“So I got them misplaced?
Well, it’s gotta be faced,
They’re all BALs, so the fault must be theirs.”

Tony Holmes:

As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we disgraced?

David Friedman:

I fear we are currently faced
With an earth that will soon be replaced
With poisonous waves
That waft past our graves
Of toxic industrial waste.

Sharon Neeman:

“I’m ruined,” she whispered, white-faced;
“The horse that I backed was outpaced!
My Little Miss Muffet
Came second — oh, stuff it!
Two million to win, and Miss placed.”

Tim Gray:

I tripped and by accident placed
My hand on an Arab girl’s waist.
And you should have heard ’er;
She screamed bloody murder.
By her father and brother I’m chased.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My life is a damn total waste;
All the money I stole has been traced.
So I’m running amok,
And the “L” in my luck
With an “F” has been surely replaced.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOTWEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Her stilettos were stunning. What’s more,
She had fine thigh-high boots by the score.
I was truly obsessed
By the way that she dressed ―
Because footwear was all that she wore.

Lisi Nortman:

New shoes always play a great role
In something called Sadness Control.
Though they won’t change your life,
When you’re feeling some strife
They do wonders for lifting your sole.

Margie Nairn:

In order to dance like Astaire,
Your feet must feel lighter than air.
It’s all in the shoes,
So be sure that you choose
A stylish but comfortable pair.

David Friedman:

There once was a wealthy young gopher
Who lived in Shaquille O’Neal’s loafer.
He said, “I can go
From the heel to the toe,
But only if I call the chauffeur.”

Fred Bortz:

He punted from where it was slick,
Caught his cleats, broke his leg like a stick.
While his fracture was healing,
They asked, “How ya feeling?”
“Pretty good,” he replied. “I can’t kick.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (306)

Saturday, September 15th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I incinerate corpses for hire.
I just toss them right into the pyre.
Though some can’t take the heat,
There’s no place for cold feet.
I just hold those stiffs’ feet to the fire!

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special NERVE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Bob Woodward is making this clear:
Our nation has plenty to “Fear.”
Trump’s unfitness to serve’s
An affront to our nerves,
While the G.O.P. smooches his rear.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Lisi Nortman, Michael Moulton, Mike Burch, Tim James, Charley Simmons, Dave Johnson, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO NERVE/NERVES LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

While the doc made my hip new and sweet,
The retractor that held back the meat
Pinched a nerve in my thigh,
And they say that is why
I have numbness in one of my feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

A champion milker named Pete
Faced a heifer with only one teat.
Though he’d grunt and he’d wheeze,
No milk could he squeeze;
T’was Pete’s final udder defeat.

Sharon Neeman:

My advice — and I’ll pour it out neat:
If you hate the one holding the seat,
Don’t just gripe, bitch or frown;
Hit the polls! Vote them down!
You can’t win if you “vote with your feet.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Getting older is surely not sweet;
It makes me feel so obsolete.
My neck: It just sags.
My eyes look like bags.
And my boobs are now down to my feet.

Mike Moulton:

When Putin says, “Donald, let’s meet,”
The tone of his voice may seem sweet,
But when he says, “Jump!”
To President Trump
He expects him to sit at his feet.

Tim James:

There once was a man who would tweet
Just as fast as his mind could excrete.
In most every case
He had egg on his face;
In his mouth, both proverbial feet.

Mike Burch:

The Donald is white, rich, elite.
Thus he never will suffer defeat.
Forget all the polls:
The man drives a Rolls
And he gold-plates his toilet seat!

Charlie Simmons:

The Cannibal being discreet,
Ate his friend from his head to his feet.
The next day, belly achin’,
Both guilt-filled and shakin’,
He passed his old friend on the street.

Dave Johnson:

The Temptations were Motown’s elite,
Defining America’s beat.
Great hits were the rule
Plus the essence of cool,
Right down to the souls of their feet.

Sharon Neeman:

Though the other trainees were all fleet,
I outraced them — I knew how to cheat:
Through the barracks I crept
(Making sure that they slept)
And put leeches on all of their feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NERVE/NERVES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

It really does get on my nerves
To see how male Government pervs
Think they’re fit to hold power
But can’t last an hour
When faced with some cleavage and curves.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My date had the ultimate gall
To inform me my boobs were “too small,”
To which I replied,
“Oh really, dear Clyde?
Where’s your shlong? I can’t find it at all!”

Dave Johnson:

Despicable Donald had nerve;
Along with refusing to serve,
This sniveling coward
Kept bragging to Howard,
Extolling his life as a perv.

Tim Gray:

My pal John was the first one to swerve,
Cuz he couldn’t hold on to his nerve.
At his first game of chicken,
He got a good lickin’…
And a crash that he didn’t deserve.

Tim James:

I’ve got shakes and my thinking is slow.
My hair’s graying; my nervous tics show.
Oh, for drug-induced bliss!
But there’s no pill for this.
And there’s fifty-six days still to go.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (305)

Saturday, September 1st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A Hawaiian wahini named Kay
Met tourists, with flowers in May.
The plane landed late,
And it made the girl wait;
It was Kay’s May day lei lay delay.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Opera-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Eight P.M., and he meets a grim fate:
Watching op’ra, coerced by his date.
He just sits there and glowers.
Good God, it’s been hours!
(Though his watch only says 8:08.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Tim Gray, Tim James, David Franks, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO OPERA LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Sneaking in from a casual lay,
I stumbled — tripped — fell all the way!
My wife shrieked, “What was that?”
I sang back, “’Twas the cat!”* —
Knowing “Pinafore” saved me that day!

* A line from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta “HMS Pinafore”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAY” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes: (A Gentleman’s Response)

When addressed from the top of a dray,
“Move yor arse, mate! Yor blockin’ my way,”
I put car into gear
And, my feelings made clear,
Took my leave without further delay.

Tim Gray: (Trump’s Inner Thoughts)

Hey you people, so what’s the delay?
I say crown me the King. Now! Today!
It’s what you deserve.
It’s me that you serve,
And you know I ain’t going away!

Tim James:

Hay Mad, I just wanted to say
That I had to look up the word “ley.”
What a pain in the ass!
(It’s land used to grow grass.)
Please stop horsing around in this way.

Tony Holmes:

When Griselda, too long left to ley,
Felt the need of a roll in the hay,
She’d dispense with demure
And take steps to secure
What was needed, the old-fashioned way.

David Franks:

Could I see you at first light of day?
For my love for you begs me to say
That my bed is first-class –
It is big, made of brass –
And I want you to Lay Lady, Lay.

Sharon Neeman:

I feel awful! I’m nauseous! Oy vey!
“Cheetos” gave me such heartburn today!
(I refer to King Tweet,
Not a snack people eat
From a bag that is stamped “Frito-Lay.”)

Kirk Miller:

The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect put it on ice.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (OPERA LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

The tenor starts out with a speech.
The diva erupts with a screech.
When not screaming, they’re crooning.
Not stabbing? They’re swooning.
Get me out of here now, I beseech!

Brian Allgar: (Trump turns down an invitation to “Der Fliegende Holländer”)

“Fake News!” cries the Donald. “They’re lying!
This opera scam? I’m not buying!
Do they think I’m a fool
Or a dumb kid from school
To believe that some Dutchman is flying?”

Dave Johnson:

To the op’ra she wanted to go;
His instant reaction: Oh no!
(Same time as the game;
He needs something to blame.)
“My fart medication’s too slow!”

Lisi Nortman:

When one’s stabbed in the back, wow, that stings!
The pain is so bad, your heart wrings!
But in opera, NO:
When the blood starts to flow,
The tenor just gets down and sings!

Brian Allgar: (Trump attends a performance of “Die Zauberflőte”)

“Though her singing was more like a hoot,
The soprano was still kinda cute,
So after the show,
I grabbed – well, you know –
And I showed her my own magic flute.”

Tim James: (“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.” — Mark Twain)

Sorry, Mark, but you’re way out of bounds;
Hearing Wagner’s like going ten rounds.
For days divas sing
’Bout some stupid old Ring,
While Mike Tyson my poor noggin pounds.

Kirk Miller:

There’s an opera singer named Mitch
Who, moreover, plays baseball, at which
He’s a hurler first rate.
And what makes him so great?
As with singing, he has perfect pitch.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!