Archive for August, 2019

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PRO at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 7, 2019)

Sunday, August 25th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PRO at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INTERNET HAZARDS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INTERNET HAZARD-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 8, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 7, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my Pro-Rhyme limerick:

You’re unlikely to earn any dough
By becoming a limerick pro.
But you might get applause
And some giggles, guffaws,
And awards, if you give it a go.

And here’s my Internet Hazard-Themed limerick:

Bought a gadget online — what a steal!
Quite expensive, yet still a great deal.
I just wish it would come;
The wait’s making me glum,
And I’m praying the seller is real.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (329)

Sunday, August 25th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Here’s a verse for a sympathy card:
“I regret that your life’s been so hard.
But mine’s been much worse
So I just can’t disburse
Any pity for you.” (Signed, “The Bard.”)

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special HOBBY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A couple went out one fine day
Watching birds (as they later would say).
They agreed to begin
With a cardinal sin
And to end by enjoying a jay.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Tim Gray, Roger Haugen, David Kay a/k/a LimeriTweets a/k/a WoodyGuth3, Bill Pfeil, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CARD” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

A.G. Barr plays the Potus’s card,
The “Can’t be indicted” canard.
This lying old creep
Sells his honor too cheap;
Let us hope that he’ll soon be disBarred.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

It’s important! You must disregard
Certain mail, even though it is hard.
Throw it right in the trash
As quick as a flash,
If it says, “Pre-approved Credit Card.”

Tim James:

I once knew a guy named Bernard
Who held gals in the lowest regard.
When he met one buff lass,
He grabbed hold of her ass.
I sent him a nice get-well card.

Tim Gray:

If you want to be feathered and tarred,
Tell the truth on Trump’s golfing score card.
Just double the score,
So a two putt means four,
But prepare to be roasted and charred.

Roger Haugen:

He grunted and sweated and sparred,
Tuning up for the big boxing card;
But worst came to worst–
Knocked out in the first;
All that work couldn’t shed enough lard.

David Kay:

Your contest just caught me off guard,
And your rules truly make it quite hard.
I’ll give it a shot
With the best that I got,
But I’ll have to bring in a Trump card.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOBBY-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Writing lim’ricks is quite an obsession;
You burst with creative expression.
Is it just a pursuit
To be clever or cute?
(Or is it demonic possession?)

Brian Allgar:

Our beloved Commander-in-Chief
Is heaving a sigh of relief.
His “hobby,” so lewd,
Will remain unpursued.
“Poor Jeffrey!” he cries, with fake grief.

Bill Pfeil:

The show’s graphic and gross! Viewers cringe;
It is vulgar TV on the fringe.
Moral decency? None!
“But it’s brilliant and fun,”
‘Rick and Morty’ fans say as they binge.

Tim James:

I was sick, bored, confined to my bed,
So my wife gave me needle and thread.
“It’s embroid’ry. Explore it!”
I’d no talent for it.
“Stick with it!” was all that she said.

Jean McEwen:

A drum majorette, past her heyday,
Was suddenly heard to cry “MAY DAY!”–
As her aim (inexact)
Got her skull whacked and cracked.
(Now she twirls just for fun, not a payday.)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I tried to get into the groove
And ski till I’d surely improve.
But I really got scared
And just wasn’t prepared
For the sign: “CAUTION: Trees Do Not Move!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Unfashionable Limerick

Wednesday, August 21st, 2019

A woman with terrible taste
Believed fashion and style were a waste,
And when items she owned
Became trendy she groaned;
They were thrown in the garbage posthaste.

Happy World Fashion Day! (August 21)

Another Limerick Ode To “International Nagging Day” (August 14)

Wednesday, August 14th, 2019

It’s Nagging Day. Please don’t applaud
All those prodders who act like they’re god,
As they talk themselves hoarse:
“Go do this!” “Take that course!”
Here’s a thought: one-way tickets abroad.

Happy International Nagging Day! (August 14)

Not Tickled Pink Over Rosé (Limerick)

Wednesday, August 14th, 2019

I’m not a big fan of rosé.
Drink anything pink? I say “Nay!”
I’ll have white wine or red,
Or some cognac, instead.
Even better, tequila! Olé!

Happy International Rosé Day! (August 14)

Limerick Ode To Eyeglasses

Tuesday, August 13th, 2019

I was reading some mind-numbing prose,
Which apparently caused me to doze.
I’ve awakened — can’t see!
Did my eyeglasses flee,
Somehow slipping from nose-tip to toes?

Happy Eyeglasses Day! (August 13)

Limerick Ode To Filet Mignon

Tuesday, August 13th, 2019

Happy Filet Mignon Day! (August 13)

Dear chef, though I rarely eat steak,
There is one small exception I’ll make:
A dainty filet
Mignon makes my day.
No imposter-cuts! Don’t be a snake!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CARD at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 24, 2019)

Saturday, August 10th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CARD at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HOBBIES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HOBBY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 25, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 24, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my CARD-rhyme limerick:

A woman would try to discard
Attic junk, but her spouse made it hard;
The pack rat retrieved
The “antiques” that she heaved
In the trash, his “save” record unmarred.

And here’s my HOBBY-themed limerick:

A bright but annoying young bloke
Has a hobby; he’ll stoke and provoke.
He’s been booted from sites
For incitement of fights.
No one buys his “’Twas only a joke!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (328)

Saturday, August 10th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow was high as a kite
’Cause his girlfriend had made him that night
Special brownies and cakes.
Yes, she knows what it takes
For a guy to feel love at first bite.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THREAT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A director whose films are quite lewd,
Would tell a new actor, “I’m rude
If somehow I fail
To disclose one detail:
Show up and you’re gonna get screwed.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Val Fish, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, John Cooney, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BITE/BYTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

I am teaching our doggy to bite
Any yellow-haired morons on sight,
So both Johnson and Trump
Will be nipped in the rump
As our dog wags his tail with delight.

Val Fish:

’Twas a nightmare, a terrible fright;
Count Dracula taking a bite.
But then I awoke;
It was hubby’s sick joke.
He slept DOWNSTAIRS the rest of the night.

Jean McEwen:

“Fear not!” Trixie said. “Just sit tight!
Buster’s bark is much worse than his bite!”
And so, trusting her word,
I sat tight — but incurred
Twelve deep gashes I’m nursing tonight.

Brian Allgar:

I roamed through the forest at night;
One tree was surprisingly bright.
Two eyes in the bark
That gleamed in the dark–
Who could know that the critter would bite?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I got rid of those bed bugs that bite
And now I can fin’ly sleep tight.
But what’s that I hear
Climbing into my ear?
Did something just say “Nighty Night?”

Tim James:

With the racism, rancor, and spite
From a dimwit whose head just ain’t right,
It’s depressing to know:
Eighteen months still to go.
May I please have a bullet to bite?

Robert Schechter:

What’s that? What you say isn’t right.
Though a dog when it barks is not quite
Being friendly, the cur
That I’ll always prefer
Is the one who just barks but won’t bite.

Kirk Miller:

A computer store owner named Wright
Has a good sense of humor and might
Post a sign when he’ll go
Out to lunch so folks know:
“Be Wright back, went to get a quick byte.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THREAT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

He said nothing, made no idle chat,
But the threat was still clear, for all that:
“Great and mighty am I;
Disobey me and die!”
(That’s a typical ’tude for a cat.)

John Cooney:

“Hello, I’m not in at the minute.
Be brief with your message. Begin it
With age, sex, location,
And key information:
Your address and when no one is in it!”

Lisi Nortman:

We’ve only just recently met,
But already I’m starting to sweat;
She proclaimed, “Let’s get married!”
And now I am harried
Cuz that is one serious threat!

Dave Johnson:

To kiddies, a parent would drone:
“Behave – or you’ll sit all alone!”
That’s back in the day;
Now they’re likely to say:
“Enough – or I’m taking your phone!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Color Me Confused (Limerick)

Friday, August 2nd, 2019

A coloring book meant for those
Who ain’t kids anymore? Heaven knows
Why the market’s gone mad
With this dubious fad.
I’ll be sticking with lim’ricks and prose.

Happy National Coloring Book Day! (August 2)