Archive for the ‘Car & Driving Humor’ Category

Ode To Strivers (Limerick)

Friday, September 8th, 2017

An award quite prestigious was given
To a man who had earnestly striven.
Hard work was no bar,
For the prize was a car,
And the diligent fellow was driven.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Rain or Reign or Rein at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Saturday, June 25th, 2016

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Rain or Reign or Rein at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BIRDS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BIRD-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 10, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 9, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Use the wipers. It’s starting to rain.
You’re drifting, so stay in your lane.
Slow down! Yellow light!
It’s a left — not a right!
Backseat drivers — a car owner’s bane!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Happy “Odometer Day!” (Limerick)

Thursday, May 12th, 2016

An odometer’s great when I drive,
As I try to guess when we’ll arrive.
But I also get mileage
From lims — even smileage.
But no limming while driving — no jive!

May 12th is National Odometer Day.

Some News Items Cry Out For A Limerick

Tuesday, December 1st, 2015

A Limerick barn has been wrecked
By a drunk-driving woman, unchecked.
With no qualms about stealing
The truck she was wheeling,
She ought to be (rhymers say) decked.

(Inspired by this news story: “Woman injured when stolen Angry Orchard truck crashes into Limerick barn.”)

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SELL or CELL at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Saturday, July 11th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either “SELL” or “CELL” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

On hearing a rather hard sell,
The shopper said, “Yes it drives well.
But my husband’s emphatic:
Divorce? Automatic…
If I purchase a car in pastel.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars

Friday, January 9th, 2015

Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though cars with no driver sound scary
And sharing their roads makes me wary,
Software doesn’t use gels,
Comb its tresses, dial cells,
Or smoke cigs, so the concept’s less hairy.

High-Test Case (Humor Column)

Sunday, October 19th, 2014

Reading about this nutty guy who has sex with cars, reminded me that many years ago I wrote a news-related humor column about a fellow who wanted to marry his car. So I explored the deep recesses of my laptop, looking for a 1999 column that I wrote when I was a humor columnist for TheCarConnection. And voila! I dug it up, got rid of all the ancient WordPerfect coding, and am posting it here:

A High-Test Case

By

Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband Mark swears that he’s never proposed to an automobile. The same can’t be said for Buster Mitchell of Knoxville, Tennessee who, according to an AP Wire story, tried to get a license to marry his car. Mr. Mitchell’s efforts raise the following questions:

1. Is he nuts?
2. Those must be some reclining seats; and
3. Is he nuts?

I also have to ask: When somebody says, “You may now kiss the bride,” which part does he … um … never mind.

According to Mark, I’ve left out the most important question of all: “What kind of car?” Okay — if you really must know — it’s a 1996 Mustang GT.

When I first heard about Mr. Mitchell’s quest, I assumed there must be a terrible shortage of women in Knoxville. But that’s not the case. At least it’s not the would-be groom’s particular problem. Mr. Mitchell claims to be on the rebound from an ill-fated romance with a human female. Jilted by his former girlfriend, he apparently figures that marrying a car beats scouting singles bars.

That’s one wedding I’d sure like to attend, if only to witness the happy couple’s first dance. (Although I’m not sure what you buy a bride who already has bucket seats.)

Alas, that wedding probably won’t take place. Why not? Because stick-in-the-mud civil servants looked askance at some salient details about the bride:

Birthplace: “Detroit”
Bride’s Father: “Henry Ford”
Bride’s Blood Type: “10-W-40″

Much to Mr. Mitchell’s chagrin, they ruled you must be a male and female Homo sapiens couple to wed. Spoil sports!

Mr. Mitchell’s thus far thwarted efforts — he says he’ll try again — shouldn’t surprise us. After all, men do tend to be oddly obsessed by cars. I’ve caught my husband Mark staring at sexy sports models more often than I’ve caught him leering at sexy model models.

We’ll be strolling down the street and in the nanosecond it takes me to check out a window display, he’ll vanish. After ten minutes of searching, I’ll find him lusting after a $60,000.00 sports car almost large enough to comfortably sit one and a half people.

“What kind of mileage do you get?” I’ll hear him ask the owner. As if people who buy cars like that place gas mileage on their list of top concerns.

I’ll drag him away, just as he’s saying “I’d buy one myself, but the little wife won’t let me.” The very thought of the two of us speeding off in a pricey sports car leaves me laughing too hard to yell at him for calling me a “little wife.” Besides, I’m both little and his wife, which does weaken my case.

After experiences like that, I can almost understand Mr. Mitchell’s automobile infatuation. Still, I can’t help thinking he’d be better off with a female of the human kind. Surely there’s a woman somewhere who’s right for him — maybe even one of you.

Think about it: Wouldn’t you women like to marry someone as determined and passionate as Buster Mitchell? Most important, do you think you’re any match for a Mustang? If you do, hurry up or down to Knoxville, Tennessee.

And don’t forget your lasso.

Copyright 1999 Madeleine Begun Kane, 1st published in TheCarConnection.com

Limerick Ode To Our Pothole

Monday, June 23rd, 2014

Limerick Ode To Our Pothole
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I reported a pothole last week,
And the city did give it a tweak.
Have they fixed it? You’re joking,
Or possibly toking.
Adding cones seems to be their technique.

This dangerously deep pothole is less than a block from our house. Mark just snapped this pic of it:

pothole2

Blame Game (Limerick)

Thursday, April 10th, 2014

Blame Game (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A guy who was rather a stoner
Was pulled over and uttered this groaner:
“That jalopy was stole
“By me, so this bowl
“Of hash must belong to the owner.”

Note from Mad Kane: My limerick was inspired by this news headline: That’s not my pot; I stole the car, says Jay man.

Limerick Wheel (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, March 9th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man was asleep at the wheel…*

or

A woman was trying to wheel…*

or

A fellow was turning the wheel…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Wheel
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man was asleep at the wheel–
Not driving, but doing a deal,
And by failing to spar
While buying a car,
He fell prey to the dealership’s spiel.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Freelance Mothering

Tuesday, May 7th, 2013

This feels vaguely appropriate for Mother’s Day:

Freelance Mothering (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Be it newspapers, Web, magazines,
Mistakes are in print and on screens:
Though I’ve NO kids to nag,
I once learned in a mag:
I’m the very proud mother of teens.

True story: Many years ago I wrote several freelance humor columns for Family Circle Magazine, one of which was a “humorous contract” between parents and their teen about learning to drive.

I’ll never forget standing on a long line at the supermarket and spotting the issue I was scheduled to appear in, near the cash register. I grabbed the magazine, turned to the back page and excitedly started to read.

Everything look great … until I got to the bio note, which should have read: “Madeleine Begun Kane is a New York-based freelance humor columnist and lawyer.”

Instead, it read, “Madeleine Begun Kane is the mother of teens.”

And no, I do NOT have any children … unless, of course, you count my hubby Mark.

Dear Driver (Limerick)

Thursday, January 31st, 2013

Dear Driver (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear driver, here’s crucial advice
That I hope I won’t have to say twice:
It’s best not to drive
Wearing skates. You won’t thrive,
Cuz you’re skating on very thin ice.

This limerick was inspired by this news item about a Canadian fellow charged with driving through a red light. He was on his way to a rink and had been driving while wearing ice hockey skates:

Driving with skates “is probably not very safe” because the motorist has limited contact with the brake and gas pedals, said Staff Sgt. Ken Hruska.

This Limerick’s For The Birds

Thursday, June 21st, 2012

I’ve been known to lash out against people who drive red cars:

Now I’m no scientist or statistician. I have no idea whether the color red inspires insanity in drivers, or if bad drivers are genetically attracted to it. All I know is that whenever I see a driver doing something spectacularly stupid, he’s doing it in a flaming red automobile.

But after reading this article about red cars and bird poop, I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for those drivers:

Research in five cities found 18 per cent of red cars were marked with deposits, followed by blue (14 per cent), black (11 per cent) and white (seven per cent).

For the cleanest ride, the best advice, appropriately, is to go green – just one per cent of that colour was smeared.

But even pity can’t stop me from writing this limerick:

This Limerick’s For The Birds
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Here’s a riveting fact about birds,
Which is likely to trigger foul words:
They like dropping their poo
Upon autos whose hue
Is red — their pet target for turds.

Limerick Ode To The GPS

Monday, March 19th, 2012

Every so often, I read about someone who blindly obeys his car’s GPS and ends up under water. Here’s the latest incident, involving common sense-challenged Japanese tourists who try to drive to an island.

Limerick Ode To The GPS
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If your car’s GPS tells you, “Go,”
But there’s water ahead, you should know
That it’s better to park.
Check your map. Find an ark.
Or else gear up for driving in l’eau.

UPDATE: April 5 is Read A Road Map Day.

Nabbed By A Typo (Limerick)

Thursday, March 8th, 2012

A teachable moment: When committing crimes, be sure to use spell-check:

Nabbed By A Typo (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man may end up in a cell
Cuz his parking permit had a tell:
There was one extra letter
In “parking.” It’s better
When forging to learn how to spell.

(This is based on an actual news story: A driver in Hoboken, New Jersey forged a parking permit on his home computer. He might have even gotten away with his scam, had he not spelled “parking” as “parkting.”)

Pigheaded Limerick

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow whose car had been towed…

Here’s mine. (It’s a three-verse limerick, but a standard one-verse limerick is fine, of course.)

Pigheaded Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow whose car had been towed
Freaked out when he heard what he owed.
“Highway robb’ry,” he yelled.
Then he sued — price upheld,
Plus penalties — made him explode.

So he threatened to file an appeal,
Though his wife said, “Enough! Make a deal!”
He responded, “No way!
I simply won’t pay.
Let them keep my damn automobile.”

But then he was hit with a lien.
And his wife said, “You see what I mean?
End this now or perforce
I will sue for divorce.”
That’s what comes of the stubbornness gene.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo. Thanks!

Lame Limerick

Monday, July 12th, 2010

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A guy with his foot in a cast…

Here’s mine:

Lame Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A guy with his foot in a cast
Was driving his car way too fast.
His wheel struck a hole.
He lost all control,
And the time for a cast was surpassed.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.

My New Policy

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

That’s it. No more vacations!

Sounds a little extreme, I know. But strange things tend to happen when my husband and I have the nerve to travel or take time off.

No, I don’t mean canceled flights, lost luggage, or stolen passports. Nothing so mundane as that. I’m talking about incidents like:

* a drowned Toyota;
* a windshield collision with flying branches while my car is going 55 mph;
* a Mazda smashed by a tree while it’s parked and minding its own business.

Detect a pattern here?

We’ve had so many weird holiday episodes, that our insurer has created a special policy provision just for us:

Notwithstanding the aforesaid incomprehensible coverage terms, this policy shall be subject to the following limitations and exclusions, hereinafter referred to as Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause:

1. Claims for beach sand, in excess of four (4) gallons, entering automobile via sunroof, shall be subject to a $2,500 deductible.
2. Damage to fuel line by reptiles, including but not limited to alligators and crocodiles, is hereby excluded.
3. Hotel parking lot car-drowning incidents shall be subject to a “one more time and you’re canceled” cap.

Our most recent adventure took place at our weekend house. And before you get too impressed by our owning a weekend house, let me hasten to add it’s only 380 square feet. In fact, when we got it appraised for mortgage purposes, its “comparables” featured our neighbor’s garage.

Mark had spent the entire day telling me he “really, really, really should plant the flowers” — those very flowers that were waiting patiently in our Mazda, hoping against hope that the fellow who bought them the previous day would eventually recall that occasional sunlight is somewhat better than a hot, dark trunk.

Knowing better than to meddle in Mark’s planting activities — or lack thereof — I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. I already knew the answer: “I don’t want your help. Go away.”

Besides, I had complete faith that at some point before the plants died, Mark would remember that replacements cost money and he’d unload the car and begin digging and uprooting our resident worms. I also knew this would occur just as the last vestiges of sunlight said goodbye. (“Anyone can plant by daylight. Where’s the challenge in that?”)

Mark didn’t disappoint me. He cracked open the car trunk at 8 p.m. and finished around 10. He even did it without the sort of event that might trigger an insurance claim.

And then it happened: Just as Mark was walking up the driveway toward our refuse cans (in an aberrational instance of his actually taking out the garbage), he heard an unfamiliar noise. And thank heavens he did. Because the sound made him stop in his tracks, just as a huge tree limb came barreling down across our driveway, striking our car and our garbage cans but miraculously sparing Mark.

Mark naturally took this as a sign from God: “Thou shalt never again take out the garbage.”

We spent the rest of the night celebrating Mark’s survival. And devoted the next day to tree-limb removal, car-repair estimates, and insurance negotiations.

Needless to say, Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause is longer than ever.

Just What Drivers Need — More Distractions!

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

I’m as big a web addict as the next woman. But do we really need Internet-enabled dashboards in our cars? Don’t drivers already have enough to distract them? Sorry, but this concept just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Insane auto technology like this cries out for a limerick:

Just What Drivers Need — More Distractions!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Are you feeling too focused while driving?
Well, help from your dashboard’s arriving:
Watch the net in your car.
Yes, wherever you are
You can surf. Wish you luck with surviving.

Either Drive, Or Text, Okay? (Limerick)

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

I usually post my multitasking humor here. However, since my latest multitasking limerick (Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Texting?) has some political overtones, I’ve posted it in my political humor blog instead.