The driving instructor Jerome
Bellowed “Look what you’ve done to the chrome!
You have bashed in the grille!
Though I’ve tried to instill
Safety skills, seems I can’t drive them home!”
Archive for the ‘Car & Driving Humor’ Category
The Frustrated Teacher (Limerick)
Sunday, October 29th, 2023Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 1, 2023)
Saturday, March 4th, 2023It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WHEELS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WHEEL-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 2, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 1, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE-Rhyme Limerick:
A young fellow, no more than nineteen,
Would steal golf carts and often be seen
Careening around
On his campus. He’d found
A trump card: His dad was the Dean.
And here’s my WHEELS-Themed Limerick:
When I ask for the wheel, you refuse me.
“Backseat driver,” you say? Don’t accuse me!
I’m in front, so your claim
Is abusive and lame.
It’s so foolish, you almost amuse me.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
Ever been to a bus’ness lunch? Yuk!
You’ve one scheduled? You’re stuck? Well, good luck!
I’m no fan of such meals,
Where you’re s’pposed to make deals,
Watch your manners, and NEVER say “Fuck!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Driven Mad (Limerick)
Friday, May 6th, 2022Some drivers don’t signal at all
And will speed right through stop signs. What gall!
Some honk for no reason,
Treat merge-tries like treason,
And, on purpose, drive ME up the wall.
Traffic Tale (Limerick)
Tuesday, June 8th, 2021I found myself trapped among honkers
On a traffic-filled road deep in Yonkers.
Construction ahead?
A shooting? Some dead?
Whatever it was … they’d gone bonkers.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: January 2, 2021)
Saturday, December 19th, 2020It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ART, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ART-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 3, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 2, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my MOUSSE/MOOSE/VAMOOSE-rhyme limerick:
I encountered a moose and a goose
On the roadway and told them, “Vamoose!”
They ignored me, alas,
So my car could not pass.
(I’m still there shouting verbal abuse.)
And here’s my ART-themed limerick:
The wall had an animal frieze;
Cows and goats, with occasional trees–
Mostly evergreens — laurel —
And images floral.
Lovely art, but one look made me sneeze.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: VEER or SEVERE or REVERE or PERSEVERE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: January 4, 2020)
Saturday, December 7th, 2019It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using VEER or SEVERE or REVERE or PERSEVERE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SNOW, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best snow-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 5, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 4, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my VEER-rhyme limerick:
When you’re driving your car, please don’t veer;
Sudden moves tend to fill me with fear.
Steer carefully, please.
Ouch my elbow! My knees!
We’ve arrived? I’m still living? Hear, hear!
And here’s my SNOW-themed limerick:
The weatherman’s acting excited:
New York City’s about to be smited
With a snow storm real big,
Which I really don’t dig.
And just why must he look so delighted?
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line
Saturday, November 17th, 2018It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to THEFT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best THEFT-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 2, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 1, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
It appears that my car needs repairs;
From the noise, you would swear that some bears
Are marauding inside,
Which ain’t good for the ride…
And impairs surreptitious affairs.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Ode To Strivers (Limerick)
Friday, September 8th, 2017An award quite prestigious was given
To a man who had earnestly striven.
Hard work was no bar,
For the prize was a car,
And the diligent fellow was driven.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Rain or Reign or Rein at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
Saturday, June 25th, 2016It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Rain or Reign or Rein at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BIRDS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BIRD-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 10, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 9, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Use the wipers. It’s starting to rain.
You’re drifting, so stay in your lane.
Slow down! Yellow light!
It’s a left — not a right!
Backseat drivers — a car owner’s bane!
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Happy “Odometer Day!” (Limerick)
Thursday, May 12th, 2016An odometer’s great when I drive,
As I try to guess when we’ll arrive.
But I also get mileage
From lims — even smileage.
But no limming while driving — no jive!
May 12th is National Odometer Day.
Some News Items Cry Out For A Limerick
Tuesday, December 1st, 2015A Limerick barn has been wrecked
By a drunk-driving woman, unchecked.
With no qualms about stealing
The truck she was wheeling,
She ought to be (rhymers say) decked.
(Inspired by this news story: “Woman injured when stolen Angry Orchard truck crashes into Limerick barn.”)
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SELL or CELL at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5
Saturday, July 11th, 2015It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either “SELL” or “CELL” at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
On hearing a rather hard sell,
The shopper said, “Yes it drives well.
But my husband’s emphatic:
Divorce? Automatic…
If I purchase a car in pastel.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars
Friday, January 9th, 2015Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though cars with no driver sound scary
And sharing their roads makes me wary,
Software doesn’t use gels,
Comb its tresses, dial cells,
Or smoke cigs, so the concept’s less hairy.
High-Test Case (Humor Column)
Sunday, October 19th, 2014Reading about this nutty guy who has sex with cars, reminded me that many years ago I wrote a news-related humor column about a fellow who wanted to marry his car. So I explored the deep recesses of my laptop, looking for a 1999 column that I wrote when I was a humor columnist for TheCarConnection. And voila! I dug it up, got rid of all the ancient WordPerfect coding, and am posting it here:
A High-Test Case
By
Madeleine Begun Kane
My husband Mark swears that he’s never proposed to an automobile. The same can’t be said for Buster Mitchell of Knoxville, Tennessee who, according to an AP Wire story, tried to get a license to marry his car. Mr. Mitchell’s efforts raise the following questions:
1. Is he nuts?
2. Those must be some reclining seats; and
3. Is he nuts?
I also have to ask: When somebody says, “You may now kiss the bride,” which part does he … um … never mind.
According to Mark, I’ve left out the most important question of all: “What kind of car?” Okay — if you really must know — it’s a 1996 Mustang GT.
When I first heard about Mr. Mitchell’s quest, I assumed there must be a terrible shortage of women in Knoxville. But that’s not the case. At least it’s not the would-be groom’s particular problem. Mr. Mitchell claims to be on the rebound from an ill-fated romance with a human female. Jilted by his former girlfriend, he apparently figures that marrying a car beats scouting singles bars.
That’s one wedding I’d sure like to attend, if only to witness the happy couple’s first dance. (Although I’m not sure what you buy a bride who already has bucket seats.)
Alas, that wedding probably won’t take place. Why not? Because stick-in-the-mud civil servants looked askance at some salient details about the bride:
Birthplace: “Detroit”
Bride’s Father: “Henry Ford”
Bride’s Blood Type: “10-W-40″
Much to Mr. Mitchell’s chagrin, they ruled you must be a male and female Homo sapiens couple to wed. Spoil sports!
Mr. Mitchell’s thus far thwarted efforts — he says he’ll try again — shouldn’t surprise us. After all, men do tend to be oddly obsessed by cars. I’ve caught my husband Mark staring at sexy sports models more often than I’ve caught him leering at sexy model models.
We’ll be strolling down the street and in the nanosecond it takes me to check out a window display, he’ll vanish. After ten minutes of searching, I’ll find him lusting after a $60,000.00 sports car almost large enough to comfortably sit one and a half people.
“What kind of mileage do you get?” I’ll hear him ask the owner. As if people who buy cars like that place gas mileage on their list of top concerns.
I’ll drag him away, just as he’s saying “I’d buy one myself, but the little wife won’t let me.” The very thought of the two of us speeding off in a pricey sports car leaves me laughing too hard to yell at him for calling me a “little wife.” Besides, I’m both little and his wife, which does weaken my case.
After experiences like that, I can almost understand Mr. Mitchell’s automobile infatuation. Still, I can’t help thinking he’d be better off with a female of the human kind. Surely there’s a woman somewhere who’s right for him — maybe even one of you.
Think about it: Wouldn’t you women like to marry someone as determined and passionate as Buster Mitchell? Most important, do you think you’re any match for a Mustang? If you do, hurry up or down to Knoxville, Tennessee.
And don’t forget your lasso.
Copyright 1999 Madeleine Begun Kane, 1st published in TheCarConnection.com
Limerick Ode To Our Pothole
Monday, June 23rd, 2014Limerick Ode To Our Pothole
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I reported a pothole last week,
And the city did give it a tweak.
Have they fixed it? You’re joking,
Or possibly toking.
Adding cones seems to be their technique.
This dangerously deep pothole is less than a block from our house. Mark just snapped this pic of it:
Blame Game (Limerick)
Thursday, April 10th, 2014Blame Game (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A guy who was rather a stoner
Was pulled over and uttered this groaner:
“That jalopy was stole
“By me, so this bowl
“Of hash must belong to the owner.”
Note from Mad Kane: My limerick was inspired by this news headline: That’s not my pot; I stole the car, says Jay man.
Limerick Wheel (Limerick-Off Monday)
Sunday, March 9th, 2014It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man was asleep at the wheel…*
or
A woman was trying to wheel…*
or
A fellow was turning the wheel…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Wheel
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man was asleep at the wheel–
Not driving, but doing a deal,
And by failing to spar
While buying a car,
He fell prey to the dealership’s spiel.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Freelance Mothering
Tuesday, May 7th, 2013This feels vaguely appropriate for Mother’s Day:
Freelance Mothering (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Be it newspapers, Web, magazines,
Mistakes are in print and on screens:
Though I’ve NO kids to nag,
I once learned in a mag:
I’m the very proud mother of teens.
True story: Many years ago I wrote several freelance humor columns for Family Circle Magazine, one of which was a “humorous contract” between parents and their teen about learning to drive.
I’ll never forget standing on a long line at the supermarket and spotting the issue I was scheduled to appear in, near the cash register. I grabbed the magazine, turned to the back page and excitedly started to read.
Everything look great … until I got to the bio note, which should have read: “Madeleine Begun Kane is a New York-based freelance humor columnist and lawyer.”
Instead, it read, “Madeleine Begun Kane is the mother of teens.”
And no, I do NOT have any children … unless, of course, you count my hubby Mark.
Dear Driver (Limerick)
Thursday, January 31st, 2013Dear Driver (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear driver, here’s crucial advice
That I hope I won’t have to say twice:
It’s best not to drive
Wearing skates. You won’t thrive,
Cuz you’re skating on very thin ice.
This limerick was inspired by this news item about a Canadian fellow charged with driving through a red light. He was on his way to a rink and had been driving while wearing ice hockey skates:
Driving with skates “is probably not very safe” because the motorist has limited contact with the brake and gas pedals, said Staff Sgt. Ken Hruska.
This Limerick’s For The Birds
Thursday, June 21st, 2012I’ve been known to lash out against people who drive red cars:
Now I’m no scientist or statistician. I have no idea whether the color red inspires insanity in drivers, or if bad drivers are genetically attracted to it. All I know is that whenever I see a driver doing something spectacularly stupid, he’s doing it in a flaming red automobile.
But after reading this article about red cars and bird poop, I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for those drivers:
Research in five cities found 18 per cent of red cars were marked with deposits, followed by blue (14 per cent), black (11 per cent) and white (seven per cent).
For the cleanest ride, the best advice, appropriately, is to go green – just one per cent of that colour was smeared.
But even pity can’t stop me from writing this limerick:
This Limerick’s For The Birds
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s a riveting fact about birds,
Which is likely to trigger foul words:
They like dropping their poo
Upon autos whose hue
Is red — their pet target for turds.
