Posts Tagged ‘Car & Driving Humor’

Driven Mad (Limerick)

Friday, May 6th, 2022

Some drivers don’t signal at all
And will speed right through stop signs. What gall!
Some honk for no reason,
Treat merge-tries like treason,
And, on purpose, drive ME up the wall.

Traffic Tale (Limerick)

Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

I found myself trapped among honkers
On a traffic-filled road deep in Yonkers.
Construction ahead?
A shooting? Some dead?
Whatever it was … they’d gone bonkers.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: January 2, 2021)

Saturday, December 19th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ART, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ART-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 3, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 2, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my MOUSSE/MOOSE/VAMOOSE-rhyme limerick:

I encountered a moose and a goose
On the roadway and told them, “Vamoose!”
They ignored me, alas,
So my car could not pass.
(I’m still there shouting verbal abuse.)

And here’s my ART-themed limerick:

The wall had an animal frieze;
Cows and goats, with occasional trees–
Mostly evergreens — laurel —
And images floral.
Lovely art, but one look made me sneeze.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BACK or ABACK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 14, 2020)

Saturday, February 29th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BACK or ABACK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TOYS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TOY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 15, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 14, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my BACK/ABACK-rhyme limerick:

I’m confused and bewildered, alack,
Cuz I can’t decide which pol to back.
Ousting Trump is a must!
But whom can we trust
To keep Donald’s eviction on track?

And here’s my TOY-themed limerick:

Whenever I hear lots of noise,
I suspect that it’s men and their toys:
A new tool, scooter, car,
Or (Oy Vey!) a GUITAR!
Loud? Annoying? It’s catnip to boys!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: VEER or SEVERE or REVERE or PERSEVERE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: January 4, 2020)

Saturday, December 7th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using VEER or SEVERE or REVERE or PERSEVERE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SNOW, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best snow-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 5, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 4, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my VEER-rhyme limerick:

When you’re driving your car, please don’t veer;
Sudden moves tend to fill me with fear.
Steer carefully, please.
Ouch my elbow! My knees!
We’ve arrived? I’m still living? Hear, hear!

And here’s my SNOW-themed limerick:

The weatherman’s acting excited:
New York City’s about to be smited
With a snow storm real big,
Which I really don’t dig.
And just why must he look so delighted?

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FUSED/CONFUSED or EYES at the end of any one line

Sunday, April 7th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FUSED/CONFUSED or EYES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.) (Yes, I’m allowing TWO different rhyme schemes in this contest because fused/confused has fewer rhyme words than usual.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LEMONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LEMON-related limerick. (For those outside of the U.S., who may possibly not know this, LEMONS can be much more than a citrus fruit.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 21, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 20, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick, which uses both rhyme schemes:

I stared at a painting, confused;
Yes, bewildered, perplexed, and bemused.
“It’s insightful!” “It’s wise!”
“He paints with his eyes!”
(Said by fans — I surmise they were boozed.)

And here’s my LEMON-themed limerick, a two-verser:

A fellow was beaming with pride
Cuz he’d purchased a flashy new ride.
But he speedily found
That his car wasn’t sound
And was facing a recall world-wide.

When he drove it, the engine soon died.
Then he learned its transmission was fried.
His lemony car
Made him go way too far…
And for murder he soon shall be tried.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line

Saturday, November 17th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PAIRS or PEARS or PARES or REPAIRS or PREPARES or COMPARES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to THEFT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best THEFT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 2, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 1, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

It appears that my car needs repairs;
From the noise, you would swear that some bears
Are marauding inside,
Which ain’t good for the ride…
And impairs surreptitious affairs.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Ode To Strivers (Limerick)

Friday, September 8th, 2017

An award quite prestigious was given
To a man who had earnestly striven.
Hard work was no bar,
For the prize was a car,
And the diligent fellow was driven.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Buy/Bye/By/Bi at the end of any one line

Saturday, April 1st, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Buy/Bye/By/Bi at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to Clumsiness, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Clumsiness-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 16, 2017 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 15, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here are my TWO limericks:

We are trying to find a good buy
On a car, and we’re desperate. Why?
Cuz our Camry was drowned,
And drenched engines (we’ve found)
Don’t rebound but, instead, fry and die.

and

A cute-looking man sauntered by,
Spun around and returned, saying “hi.”
Then he lured me with lore,
Stories hard to ignore,
And I ended up wed to the guy.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Happy “Odometer Day!” (Limerick)

Thursday, May 12th, 2016

An odometer’s great when I drive,
As I try to guess when we’ll arrive.
But I also get mileage
From lims — even smileage.
But no limming while driving — no jive!

May 12th is National Odometer Day.

Turning Mark’s Blizzard Tale Into A Limerick

Thursday, January 28th, 2016

Mark recently posted his tale of blizzardy absent-mindedness here on Facebook. (Yes, I know “blizzardy” isn’t a word.) And I’ve decided to sum it up in a limerick:

My husband once did something whack;
Left his car window open a crack
In a blizzard, alas.
Snow flew over the glass
And got packed to the top, front to back.

Some News Items Cry Out For A Limerick

Tuesday, December 1st, 2015

A Limerick barn has been wrecked
By a drunk-driving woman, unchecked.
With no qualms about stealing
The truck she was wheeling,
She ought to be (rhymers say) decked.

(Inspired by this news story: “Woman injured when stolen Angry Orchard truck crashes into Limerick barn.”)

Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars

Friday, January 9th, 2015

Limerick Ode To Driverless Cars
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though cars with no driver sound scary
And sharing their roads makes me wary,
Software doesn’t use gels,
Comb its tresses, dial cells,
Or smoke cigs, so the concept’s less hairy.

High-Test Case (Humor Column)

Sunday, October 19th, 2014

Reading about this nutty guy who has sex with cars, reminded me that many years ago I wrote a news-related humor column about a fellow who wanted to marry his car. So I explored the deep recesses of my laptop, looking for a 1999 column that I wrote when I was a humor columnist for TheCarConnection. And voila! I dug it up, got rid of all the ancient WordPerfect coding, and am posting it here:

A High-Test Case

By

Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband Mark swears that he’s never proposed to an automobile. The same can’t be said for Buster Mitchell of Knoxville, Tennessee who, according to an AP Wire story, tried to get a license to marry his car. Mr. Mitchell’s efforts raise the following questions:

1. Is he nuts?
2. Those must be some reclining seats; and
3. Is he nuts?

I also have to ask: When somebody says, “You may now kiss the bride,” which part does he … um … never mind.

According to Mark, I’ve left out the most important question of all: “What kind of car?” Okay — if you really must know — it’s a 1996 Mustang GT.

When I first heard about Mr. Mitchell’s quest, I assumed there must be a terrible shortage of women in Knoxville. But that’s not the case. At least it’s not the would-be groom’s particular problem. Mr. Mitchell claims to be on the rebound from an ill-fated romance with a human female. Jilted by his former girlfriend, he apparently figures that marrying a car beats scouting singles bars.

That’s one wedding I’d sure like to attend, if only to witness the happy couple’s first dance. (Although I’m not sure what you buy a bride who already has bucket seats.)

Alas, that wedding probably won’t take place. Why not? Because stick-in-the-mud civil servants looked askance at some salient details about the bride:

Birthplace: “Detroit”
Bride’s Father: “Henry Ford”
Bride’s Blood Type: “10-W-40″

Much to Mr. Mitchell’s chagrin, they ruled you must be a male and female Homo sapiens couple to wed. Spoil sports!

Mr. Mitchell’s thus far thwarted efforts — he says he’ll try again — shouldn’t surprise us. After all, men do tend to be oddly obsessed by cars. I’ve caught my husband Mark staring at sexy sports models more often than I’ve caught him leering at sexy model models.

We’ll be strolling down the street and in the nanosecond it takes me to check out a window display, he’ll vanish. After ten minutes of searching, I’ll find him lusting after a $60,000.00 sports car almost large enough to comfortably sit one and a half people.

“What kind of mileage do you get?” I’ll hear him ask the owner. As if people who buy cars like that place gas mileage on their list of top concerns.

I’ll drag him away, just as he’s saying “I’d buy one myself, but the little wife won’t let me.” The very thought of the two of us speeding off in a pricey sports car leaves me laughing too hard to yell at him for calling me a “little wife.” Besides, I’m both little and his wife, which does weaken my case.

After experiences like that, I can almost understand Mr. Mitchell’s automobile infatuation. Still, I can’t help thinking he’d be better off with a female of the human kind. Surely there’s a woman somewhere who’s right for him — maybe even one of you.

Think about it: Wouldn’t you women like to marry someone as determined and passionate as Buster Mitchell? Most important, do you think you’re any match for a Mustang? If you do, hurry up or down to Knoxville, Tennessee.

And don’t forget your lasso.

Copyright 1999 Madeleine Begun Kane, 1st published in TheCarConnection.com

Limerick Ode To Our Pothole

Monday, June 23rd, 2014

Limerick Ode To Our Pothole
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I reported a pothole last week,
And the city did give it a tweak.
Have they fixed it? You’re joking,
Or possibly toking.
Adding cones seems to be their technique.

This dangerously deep pothole is less than a block from our house. Mark just snapped this pic of it:

pothole2

Blame Game (Limerick)

Thursday, April 10th, 2014

Blame Game (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A guy who was rather a stoner
Was pulled over and uttered this groaner:
“That jalopy was stole
“By me, so this bowl
“Of hash must belong to the owner.”

Note from Mad Kane: My limerick was inspired by this news headline: That’s not my pot; I stole the car, says Jay man.

Limerick Bar (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, July 7th, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow who worked at a bar…*

or

A woman was holding a bar…*

or

A woman decided to bar…*

or

A dancer who stretched at the barre…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Bar
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman decided to bar
Cigarette smoking folks from her car.
“This must be a joke,”
Said her husband. “I smoke,
So our marriage ain’t going too far.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Dear Driver (Limerick)

Thursday, January 31st, 2013

Dear Driver (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear driver, here’s crucial advice
That I hope I won’t have to say twice:
It’s best not to drive
Wearing skates. You won’t thrive,
Cuz you’re skating on very thin ice.

This limerick was inspired by this news item about a Canadian fellow charged with driving through a red light. He was on his way to a rink and had been driving while wearing ice hockey skates:

Driving with skates “is probably not very safe” because the motorist has limited contact with the brake and gas pedals, said Staff Sgt. Ken Hruska.

This Limerick’s For The Birds

Thursday, June 21st, 2012

I’ve been known to lash out against people who drive red cars:

Now I’m no scientist or statistician. I have no idea whether the color red inspires insanity in drivers, or if bad drivers are genetically attracted to it. All I know is that whenever I see a driver doing something spectacularly stupid, he’s doing it in a flaming red automobile.

But after reading this article about red cars and bird poop, I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for those drivers:

Research in five cities found 18 per cent of red cars were marked with deposits, followed by blue (14 per cent), black (11 per cent) and white (seven per cent).

For the cleanest ride, the best advice, appropriately, is to go green – just one per cent of that colour was smeared.

But even pity can’t stop me from writing this limerick:

This Limerick’s For The Birds
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Here’s a riveting fact about birds,
Which is likely to trigger foul words:
They like dropping their poo
Upon autos whose hue
Is red — their pet target for turds.

Limerick Ode To The GPS

Monday, March 19th, 2012

Every so often, I read about someone who blindly obeys his car’s GPS and ends up under water. Here’s the latest incident, involving common sense-challenged Japanese tourists who try to drive to an island.

Limerick Ode To The GPS
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If your car’s GPS tells you, “Go,”
But there’s water ahead, you should know
That it’s better to park.
Check your map. Find an ark.
Or else gear up for driving in l’eau.

UPDATE: April 5 is Read A Road Map Day.