I probably shouldn't admit this, but I'm prejudiced against people who drive red cars. Yes, I know -- bias is bad, and I'm very ashamed. But in my defense, let me add that RED CAR DRIVERS ARE LUNATICS.
Oops, did I say that? Sorry! I promise that from now on I'll stop maligning those CERTIFIABLE MANIACS CAREENING AROUND IN BRIGHT RED AUTOMOBILES.
This is going to be harder than I thought. Let me give it another try:
Some of my best friends drive red... Nope ... that's not true.
I was cut off by 15 drivers last week, and only 13 were driving red...
This is definitely not working. But then my prejudice is deeply entrenched, dating back to my late 1970s dates with my now-husband Mark.
"Watch out for that loon driving the red Audi, " I used to say while double-checking my seatbelts and clutching the door handle.
"What are you talking about? My car is the only red Audi on the road."
Now I'm no scientist or statistician. I have no idea whether the color red inspires insanity in drivers, or if bad drivers are genetically attracted to it. All I know is that whenever I see a driver doing something spectacularly stupid, he's doing it in a flaming red automobile.
Being a trained professional humor journalist, I know I shouldn't rely solely on personal, empirical evidence. I owe it to my readers to do the kind of research you've come to expect of me. So I phoned my car insurance agent for some insurance industry statistical dirt. Unfortunately, she was at lunch and never returned my call. But I feel certain that had I heard from her, this is what she would have said:
"Some 150 percent of all accidents are caused by red cars and/or their drivers. We'd prefer not to insure them, but since we have no choice, we make them sign this Red Car Rider:
WHEREAS, you are a terrible driver and will almost certainly engage in highway mayhem:
NOW THEREFORE, you are hereby required to take whatever liability insurance premium is set forth on page one of this policy and multiply it by five. No, six. Make that seven."
This morning, right after I invented the Red Car Rider, the driver of a red car motioned me to proceed ahead of him at a four-way stop. I hesitated at first. Was this some sort of trick? Would there be a surprise attack?
But I managed to drive through the intersection without incident ... or accident. So am I all wrong about red-car drivers? Do I owe them an apology?
Naaaaah. The polite driver was probably driving a loaner.