It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Will T. Laughlin:
There’s a fellow I met in the street
Whose phrasebook’s a tad incomplete.
When he comes up to greet you
And say, “Pleased to meet you…”
It comes out: “I pleasure your meat!”
I tried to correct the man — twice —
But he just wouldn’t heed my advice.
“PLEASED. TO. MEET. YOU.” I said;
He just nodded his head,
And continued: “Your meat, it is nice!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Battle of the Sexes-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
They met at the Amazon store;
Excited, she opted for more.
But later that night
As she reached for the light,
Alexa yelled “Show him the door!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
His guests felt the welcoming heat
Of the barbecue. “What will we eat?
“Kebabs!” Vlad would jest
While impaling each guest,
For they were supplying the meat.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Michael Moulton, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, and Sharon Neeman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICKS)
A father was trying to cheat,
So his wife had some justice to mete.
The next day, the news read,
“Deadbeat Dad is Beat Dead.”
For her crime, an electrified seat.
On 2/10, if we happen to meet,
And I find you both sexy and sweet,
I’ll not call right away,
So I don’t have to pay
For a big-ticket Valentine’s treat.
A butcher named Bud thinks he’s neat;
That women just fall at his feet.
But he found out from Jill
That without his blue pill,
There’s no market for Bud’s boneless meat.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME DIVISION)
At a long-distance runners retreat,
They discussed how to win every meet.
Finish first (Boy, oh Boy!)–
That’s victorious joy.
If you’re last, there’s the pain of de-feet.
Did Trump and his match finally meet
When a judge without missing a beat,
Said, “Your ban is now void.
If that leaves you annoyed,
Then knock yourself out with a tweet.”
Brian Allgar, in which Titus Andronicus invites the Empress Tamora to dinner:
“Can’t resist, though my diet forbids,”
Said Tamora, “those puff-pastry lids,
And your pies are so sweet,
With such fresh, tender meat . . .”
He explained they contained her own kids.
A lass with a smile oh so sweet
Sold her “wares” to each guy that she’d meet.
But her efforts soon failed
And she found herself jailed.
Never mess with a cop on the beat!
The grocery chain called to greet
The new meat vendor, just down the street.
Now the payment’s complete
Per the butcher’s receipt,
So he’ll mete out the meat when they meet.
The President said in a tweet
“When Vladimir comes for a meet,
Flynn and I will be gushin’.
We love all things Russian
Like borscht, whether cabbage or beet.”
That story’s, of course, incomplete.
Flynn’s now gone from his comfortable seat,
And Spicer, that worm,
Has to spin it and squirm
While the press holds his feet to the heat.
I wish I could say this is sweet,
But revenge is not always a treat.
There’s no joy, I confess,
When our country’s a mess.
We’re living the pain of defeat.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICK DIVISION)
On Twitter, he’d woo and he’d ply ’er
With promises — things he would buy ’er.
But now that they’ve met,
She’s beset with regret.
It’s quite clear he’s a lecherous liar!
While texting an amorous friend,
She shouldn’t have quickly hit “send.”
Because autofill wrote
That he looked like a goat
Which, alas, may have started the end.
She may well have invented the spark
That woke the world out of the dark,
But although she’s gone far,
Men still look at her car
And assume she can’t parallel park.
A couple quite often would fight
In the morning, or later at night.
With no cuddles or pecks,
The one mention of sex:
“Screw you” as she turned out the light.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
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