Archive for the ‘Limerick Competition’ Category

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FLY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 2, 2021)

Saturday, September 18th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FLY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BRAGGING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BRAGGING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 3, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 2, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my FLY-rhyme limerick:

Please don’t claim something’s “easy as pie.”
That assertion is pie in the sky.
Baking pies makes me queasy;
It sure isn’t “easy.”
Your analogy simply won’t fly.

And here’s my BRAGGING-themed limerick:

“Do not think that because you’re first born
You can treat other players with scorn.
You’re a middling musician,
Despite your ambition.
And I hate when you blow your own horn.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (478)

Saturday, September 18th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Went out for a bike ride today;
Some fairly steep hills on the way.
Now it hurts when I walk;
If my muscles could talk,
They’d tell me that climb doesn’t pay.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Special REPAIRS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’ve promised to fix the veneer, dear;
I’ve told you I would loud and clear, dear.
Do try to be kinder
And skip the reminder
You give me in August each year, dear.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Your mechanic did not fix my heat!
It still doesn’t work! What deceit!
He’s surely to blame.
What the hell is his name?
All I know is this guy’s got 2 feet”.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, you’re not the first person to whine
About Gregor’s Repair Shop on Vine.
I’ve had work done by Greg —
Cost an arm and a leg!
In fact, one of those feet may be mine.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REPAIRS LIMERICKS)

Rudy Landesman:

From your dreams of true love you’ve awoken,
And your poor tender heart has been broken.
Confucius would say:
“Just throw it away.
I don’t know what the hell you’ve been smokin’.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

What’s a tuffet? Seems no one can say,
Though Miss Muffet besat one that day.
Also, what is a curd?
That’s a gross-sounding word.
Would YOU ever eat one? No whey!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

In a warehouse near Richmond, VA,
Is a statue of Lee, stored away.
So huge is its torso —
The head even more so —
Is there room for those big feet of clay?

Bob Turvey:

There was a young lady named Mona —
So pretty that you’d want to clone her.
Said da Vinci, “I’m gay.
You attract me? No way.”
She smiled at the size of his boner.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

A cruise is a grand way to float.
You can travel to places remote.
But you’ll sure feel dismay
When it’s over; you’ll weigh
The very same weight as the boat.

Dave Johnson:

Paul Simon, way back in the day,
Recorded “Slip Slidin’ Away.”
Perhaps that refrain
Was the key to explain
Why Garfunkel never would stay.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A guy whom she’d snubbed ev’ry day,
Was finally prompted to say,
“So would it be better
To write you a letter?”
“Oh yes,” she said, “Far and away.”

Mark Totterdell:

In a rage at the freedom forbidd’n’er,
I released from her cage the echidna,
And I took her away,
And I just wouldn’t say
To her keepers just where I had hidd’n’er.

Brian Allgar:

Said Abbott: “I’m happy to say
That abortion is banned from today.
A son or a daughter
Aborted? Report her!
Ten thousand’s the bounty we’ll pay.

We’ve made it illegal to slay
The unborn – no exceptions, okay?
Life is sacred, we’ve sworn …
But once they are born,
Protect them from Covid? No way!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (REPAIRS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My car fell apart when I floored it.
That estimate! Couldn’t afford it.
Oh, man! Did I groan!
Promptly took out my phone.
But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it

Terry Marter:

She transformed it, – the gown of her dreams
Reconstructed in white, beige and creams.
I shouldn’t disparage
But like her first marriage
It’s falling apart at the seams.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve this habit so fixed, I can’t nix it:
Something breaks, so I buy parts to fix it.
I remake and re-break it
Until I must take it
Away. Then I pay to deep-six it.

Jean McEwen:

I am trying to snake out the shit
From my toilet, but get but a bit
To go down. Must I plunge
To expunge all the grunge?
(I’m no plumber, I’ll have to admit.)

Bob Turvey:

There was a young chappie called Mike
Who went out for a ride on his bike.
At the thirty-mile juncture
KER-BLAM – what a puncture!
(Repair kit at home – what a hike!)

Lisi Nortman:

Broke my mirror, it fell to the floor.
Couldn’t fix it, I screamed and I swore.
7 years of Bad Luck!
That surely did suck.
But my lawyer reduced it to four.

Dave Johnson:

The sound engineer has been bragging
’Bout all of the women he’s “bagging”.
Extolling his kicks,
He now has to fix
Distortion from band members gagging.

Steve Benko:

“So limp? Lie right down, this I’ll fix,”
Said the hooker. “I know some good tricks.”
And ’twas all systems go
In the hands of a pro;
His old willy had not crossed the Styx.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 18, 2021)

Saturday, September 4th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REPAIRS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REPAIRS-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 19, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 18, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WAY/WEIGH/WHEY/AWAY RHYME-rhyme limerick:

Using glitter is never judicious;
Though supposedly festive, it’s vicious.
Try to scrub it away?
It’s determined to stay
And will never obey; it’s pernicious.

And here’s my REPAIRS-themed limerick:

A gal with a cherished antique,
Tried to fix it; alas, her technique
Is haphazard at best.
She putters with zest,
But her quest for its rescue looks bleak.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (477)

Saturday, September 4th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In my town our archaic saloon,
Holds a “game night” on ev’ry full moon.
We make pool cues from bones,
And play Scrabble with stones.
You should see it — complete rack and rune.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special MEMORY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Forgetting stuff isn’t a game;
It can lead to great sorrow and shame.
Here’s a story of woe
From a fellow I know:
In the sack he called out the wrong name.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Janice Canerdy, Konrad Schwoerke, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOON or LUNE or BALLOON or SALOON”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I have a fun toy that’s unmatched.
’Twas the last one in stock that I snatched!
It’s a novel balloon
That plays a Bach tune.
It was free and had no strings attached.

Paul Haebig:

He wanted to make the girls swoon,
So he thought he’d transcribe “Claire de Lune.”
What he’d meant as romantic,
Just sounded pedantic.
It’s not a good tune for bassoon!

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA crowd started to swoon
The moment they cranked up his tune.
A raucous event,
In his thrall they were sent
By the sight of the slithery loon.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a parakeet once to a loon,
“It’s a hoot that you wail at the moon.
But if you were like me,
Always caged, never free,
You’d be singing a whole diff’rent tune.”

Bob Turvey:

I drive what Brits call a saloon
So fast it makes young ladies swoon.
[Now, saloon can mean beer –
So let’s make it quite clear –
If you drink and then drive you’re a loon.]

Lisi Nortman:

Folks, here is the sad situation
(A dilemma that faces the nation):
If you want a balloon,
Better be a tycoon.
The price is high due to inflation.

Janice Canerdy:

A young wife who was prone to misspell,
Wrote a note for her hubby, pell-mell:
“I’ll be at the saloon
The entire afternoon.”
He was steamed, but her hair got styled well.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I suggested that we only spoon,
But she countered, “Let’s fork and damned soon!”
I thought great till I felt
Stabbing tines as I knelt—
I just barely escaped Claire the Loon.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEMORY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Absent-mindedness sometimes is hellish;
Drawing blanks isn’t something I relish.
Long-term mem’ries, however,
Confirm that I’m clever —
They’re the ones I’ve had time to embellish.

Tony Holmes:

“I remember the war – ’forty-two.
It was lunchtime – we had Irish stew.
I had two cups of tea –
Corporal Evans had three –
But for breakfast today? Not a clue.”

Terry Marter:

Had an Alzheimer’s meeting today,
Or was it last Tuesday, – or May?
Whatever they said
Must have entered my head,
But it didn’t remember to stay.

Dave Johnson:

Lorena – a name that reflects
The moment her rage cleared the decks.
Time’s passage may cure,
But there’s one thing for sure:
She’ll never re-member her ex.

Brian Allgar:

“Well, Doctor, the reason I came …”
He began. “… Lemme think … What a shame!
I was going to say
That I’ve lost … but today,
I’ve completely forgotten the name.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If my mem’ry gets strained, I don’t sweat it.
Should it lapse on a workout, I let it.
When it heads for the shower,
And asks, “Why the glower?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” I say, “just forget it.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LOON or LUNE or BALLOON or SALOON at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 4, 2021)

Saturday, August 21st, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LOON or LUNE or BALLOON or SALOON at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to MEMORY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best MEMORY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 5, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 4, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my LOON/LUNE/BALLOON/SALOON-rhyme limerick:

A fellow, as mad as a loon,
Would strip naked outside ev’ry noon,
Till a note came. ’Twas snide:
“Were I you, I would hide
All my privates; your prick’s picayune.

And here’s my MEMORY-themed limerick:

Once again, I am drawing a blank.
My recall’s, alas, in the tank.
My brain feels bombarded
By facts, soon discarded.
So Google’s my memory bank.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter

Limerick-Off Award (476)

Saturday, August 21st, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A moll stole a stole; it’s a wrap,
Which she sold to a girl with a chap.
But the chap was a mole,
And the wrap the moll stole
Was set by the mole as a trap.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special MOOD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“When I’m angry I know what to do,”
Said Donald, “to stop feeling blue.
I gather some friends
And some porn stars (all 10’s),
And together we stage a nice coup.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s rap,
That mindless, unmusical pap.
The name would be better
With one extra letter;
It should be referred to as ‘crap.’

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sondra Landin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WRAP/RAP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO MOOD-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sondra Landin:

Will she be in the mood for a wrap,
At that place with the good brew on tap?
No, she’ll spout with a sneer,
“I never touch beer,
And I don’t eat that crap – not a scrap!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WRAP/RAP”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a beat and a stomp and a clap,
“We Will Rock You” went wild in a snap.
Although what’s it all mean,
If God can’t save the Queen,
Who created Bohemian Rhap?

Bob Turvey:

When a well-dressed and handsome young chap,
On the privy door gave a sharp rap,
It opened, and Jane
Said, “God, you again.
Can’t a girl have some peace for a nap?”

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA brigade has a chap
Who’s busy producing a cap.
It’s silver, not red,
That’s adorning each head…
With Reynolds providing the Wrap.

Lisi Nortman:

“I am too old to get into rap.
I don’t care, cause that hip-hop is crap.
Used to party and drink.
At the girls, I would wink.
But right now “Happy Hour’s” a nap.”

Tim James:

She was wearing a nice dress and wrap
When her man went and set off a scrap:
“An ensemble like that
Makes your butt look less fat!”
Now he’s learned to shut firmly his yap.

Steve Benko:

I’m Notorious Steve, here’s my rap:
I love strippers who dance in my lap.
I entice ’em with verse,
And my poems are terse;
Just five lines, then I grab, and they slap.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Poe would clap o’er his ears a wool cap,
When his nerd of a bird spoiled his nap.
“In my haven, old raven,
You crave misbehavin’,
But jeez,” he cried, “PLEASE! No more rap!”

Terry Marter:

A detective with questions to ask,
Said “Do NOT interfere with my task.
You’ve been caught, cut the crap.
You’ll be taking the rap
For robbing a bank with no mask.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MOOD-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Doug Harris:

“Hey my darling, are you in the mood?
Testosterone fully imbued?”
“Yes I am!,” my reply…
“How I love D-I-Y,
The best way for a man to get screwed!”

Tim James:

There once was a lawyer named Rudy
Whose cash flow was making him moody.
“Lord Trump, it’s no joke;
Pay my fees or I’m broke!”
The reply: “Stick those bills up your booty!”

Terry Marter:

Now sometimes, when I’m in the mood
I do life-drawing class (I’m no prude).
But the model looks stressed
Fully dressed, – unimpressed
That I choose to paint HIM while I’m nude.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though my mood ring is now an antique,
I still wear it (my friends say it’s chic.)
That the color each day
Is primarily gray,
Simply means I’m approaching my pique.

Fred Bortz:

The farmer deserves to be booed.
His dairy production is crude.
His yogurt tastes funky.
His milk pours out chunky.
And his cattle sound off their bad mooed.

Terry Marter:

She had set up the room for her Tim;
Moody music, – romantic’ly dim.
Then got stoned in the nude,
Woke up with some dude
Who said “Tim couldn’t make it , – I’m Jim.”

Tony Holmes:

I’ve been tossed on the scrapheap of life.
Lost it all – favour, fortune, and wife.
But what brightens my mood,
Should depression intrude,
Is the thought that misfortune is rife.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When egged on to be snotty or mean,
A good mood helps me keep my nose clean.
Left with egg on my face,
Is a tacky disgrace,
But less messy than venting my spleen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WRAP or RAP at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 21, 2021)

Saturday, August 7th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WRAP or RAP at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to MOODS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best MOOD-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 22, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 21, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WRAP or RAP-rhyme limerick:

A worker caught taking a nap
Succeeded at beating the rap:
“My cubicle mate
Caused my somnolent state;
He’s a terribly boring young chap.”

And here’s my MOOD-themed limerick:

A woman whose boss was capricious
Found his mood swings pernicious and vicious.
But HR took his side,
Implying she’d lied.
Soon thereafter he died — death suspicious.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (475)

Saturday, August 7th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I went to a door store to see
What choices were open to me.
A sign on their stock
Read, “Pick Your Own Lock.”
But I want one that comes with a key.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Writing Style-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mark Twain’s language: an erudite treat.
Ernest Hemingway’s prose: short and sweet.
Written discourse and wit
Then went wholly to shit
As the “President” babbled by tweet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Byron Miller, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “KEY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITING STYLE LIMERICKS)

Rudy Landesman:

e.e. cummings wrote verse that was “free”
and no capital letters used he
and the reason for that
keep it under your hat
a malfunctioning typewriter key

Brian Allgar:

Split infinitives irritate me,
Like a singer who’s singing off-key
And can’t hit the right note,
Or as if Shakespeare wrote
“To be, or instead, to NOT be.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“KEY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

To enter my swanky new flat,
I just punch in a code, – and that’s that!
The fourth fail with my “key”
Triggered voicemail to me:
“Your new key-code is under the mat.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I thought I would go into shock.
(Took a breather and walked ’round the block.)
I at last found the key
To success, but poor me,
Seems somebody changed the damn lock.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I have just run aground, pity me.
I’m okay — just a cay in the sea.
But what other snags lurk
In semantical murk?
Is a lake but a loch with no key?

Dave Johnson:

Their singer was slightly off-key;
The crowd made his band hard to see.
Most covers they played
Were so moldy and frayed;
“Free concert” – no bargain for me.

Kirk Miller:

To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap ’round the neck is the key;
Has the owner’s last name,
The phone number of same.
This technique is named “collar ID.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

After Ponce de Leon sailed the main
From the Florida coast back to Spain,
He cried, “Izzy, it’s me!
I’ve discovered a key!”
She said, “Keep it. I just want the chain.”

Tim James:

It starts low, with “Oh say, can you see…”
Then goes high, to a crazy degree.
By “the rockets’ red glare”
You’ll be gasping for air.
You can’t possibly sing it on-Key.

Byron Miller:

Though beguiled, when Fay’d flipped me the key
To her new Maserati GT,
I soon felt like a jerk
When the key wouldn’t work:
For, Fay’d fobbed off a faux fob on me.

Brian Allgar:

This device seemed just perfect for me,
Since I’m always mislaying my key.
I press the thing here,
And my keys, far or near,
Will respond with ‘beep, beep …’ endlessly.

It worked well until, several days later,
In need of my beep-generator,
I looked all around,
But it couldn’t be found –
Like a fool, I’d mislaid the locator!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITING STYLE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I write. Like I speak. Not much drama.
I Never. Have use. For a Comma.
My phrasing. Concise.
With real. Sound advice.
Respect. Fully. Yours. B. Obama.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

In a manner excessively florid,
I pen horror tales grisly and torrid.
All my critics agree
I have mastered the key
To a writing style perfectly horrid.

Brian Allgar:

English spelling is hell. Readers wish
The word “ghoti” were not pronounced “fish”.
And they wonder if “quay”
Should be spoken as “kay”?
No, it’s “key”! As for Lillian Goti …

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I’m writing a narrative book,
Stream-of-consciousness works as my “hook.”
But for pamphlets or tracts,
Or a thesis with facts,
I prefer to use Gobbledygook.

Dave Johnson:

Her method for teaching us cursive
Would often be somewhat immersive.
She hasn’t a hint,
But today I just print;
A practice she’d view as subversive.

Lisi Nortman:

“In conclusion, I just have to say,
In closing, don’t use a cliche.
Haste always makes waste
So write in good taste.
Writing’s hard at the end of the day.”

Rudy Landesman:

For really a very long while
I struggled with one author’s style:
“Ulysses” by Joyce;
That book is my choice
To start a new “Do Not Read” pile.

Steve Benko:

In poetry form or in prose,
There is no other writing like Poe’s.
For a frightening word
From a sinister bird,
He finds ravens more scary than crows.

Jean McEwen:

When you’re writing a brief, don’t just say
The court “should” or “should not”; that won’t sway
Any judge. No, instead
Explain WHY what they’ve read
Should incline them to see things your way.

Tim James:

“Your style with parentheses stinks,”
Said my prof (I don’t care what she thinks
(Though she’s smart (she’s from Yale
(Maybe Harvard; I fail
To recall (I’ve had too many drinks))))).

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: KEY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 7, 2021)

Saturday, July 24th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using KEY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WRITING STYLES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WRITING STYLES-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 8, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 7, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my KEY-rhyme limerick, inspired by “Do-Re-Mi” from “The Sound Of Music”:

To remember the scale, here’s the key:
Think of does, golden sun rays, and me.
Try scampering fah
And sewing — VoiLA!
Then return to those does after tea.

And here’s my WRITING STYLES-themed limerick:

To people who try to seem bright
Via recondite words, you’re a blight.
It’s pretentious to wax
Lexiphanic. I’d tax
Ev’ry fancified phrase that you write.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (474)

Saturday, July 24th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a Tail-Rhyme and a Vanity-Themed limerick:

Though he thought he had style and urbanity,
Hugh’s bid for success was all vanity.
With broad flippers and tail
And wet whiskers, he’d fail.
How I wept for the fate of Hugh Manatee!

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special VANITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny “Soprano Vanity” limerick:

Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C.”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run of a “me me me me.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Bob Slapcoff, John Davison, Sjaan VandenBroeder, David Friedman, Bob Turvey, Sondra Landin, Terry Marter, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Benko, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VANITY LIMERICKS)

Bob Slapcoff:

A peacock parading his tail,
Or a gaudily carapaced snail;
I’ll emulate these
With bravado and ease,
As soon as I get out of jail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

The Lone Ranger (so goes a tall tale)
Saw some Natives and let out a wail:
“They’re all hostile! We’re dead!”
Tonto grinned as he said:
“What’s this ‘we,’ you with face that is pale?”

John Davison:

Whilst out for a walk with my snail
We dined on fresh cabbage and kale,
But when the rain fell
He just hid in his shell,
Thus precluding a riveting tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One tale of a tail might entail,
A PI with some guy to surveil;
Add a shade of film noir
To a steamy boudoir,
Plus a dame for Mike Hammer to nail.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love, joy, and peace…
If you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And several golden egg geese.

Bob Turvey:

Said a languid young freshman at Yale,
“Target shooting – what does that entail?”
Said a Prof., “Well now son,
You are given a gun,
If you kill anyone – that’s a fail.”

Sondra Landin:

Plot ideas come pelting like hail;
I try to corral them — and fail.
I rail and I wail
To no great avail;
Just can’t seem to finish my tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ev’ry night Mack, the Manx, starts to wail
A long saga of loss and travail.
Then the end is cut short,
And he stops with a snort.
Seems that Mack has lost track of his tale.

Tim James:

Said a drunk who was headed to jail:
“Hey! Her Honor’s a nice piece of tail!”
It’s a shame that she heard
Ev’ry odious word;
Now he’s looking at REALLY high bail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VANITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

He reflects at the pool where he’s lying.
He’s in love with himself (can’t stop sighing) —
The youthful Narcissus
With no loving Missus
To prevent him from tragic’ly dying.

Tony Holmes:

Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As they don’t show the truth but remind
Of those days sans chagrin –
You had only one chin –
And your features were taut and unlined.

Lisi Nortman:

“I’m not showy in any which way.
And I never put on a display.
But ev’ry one tries
To spread nasty lies,
Cuz I’m much more alluring than they.”

Tim James:

A Captain whose name is James Kirk
Is an egomaniacal jerk.
He’s God’s gift to the dames.
Still, the sexual games
That he tries indisputably work.

Terry Marter:

She was vain, sexy, slinky and sleek.
On her “look” she spent almost a week.
Then she dated a lout
Who did not beat about
The proverbial bush (so to speak.)

Tim James:

If to beauty I want to be nearer,
The path couldn’t be any clearer.
I’m under its spell
(You can probably tell)
When I gaze, quite bewitched, in the mirror.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
’Tween steak and some peas,
His reflection he sees
In that BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!

Steve Benko:

With my talent, square jaw, and strong chin,
It is I who these contests should win.
Once MadKane takes a look,
Every other poor schnook
Who submits will become a has-been.

Rudy Landesman:

My need to make love was perennial.
But now as I reach my centennial,
I will not complain.
I can’t be that vain.
I’m glad that it still is biennial.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If a woman with beauty that’s lush
Likes to tally the hearts she can crush,
When it seems there’s a trace
Of chagrin on her face,
It’s her makeup providing the blush.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 24, 2021)

Saturday, July 10th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to VANITY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best VANITY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 25, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 24, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my TALE/TAIL/ENTAIL/CURTAIL-rhyme limerick:

I’ve a crime tale entailing a tail.
Who’s the target? A male out on bail.
Law enforcement, you see,
Was convinced he would flee.
But their quarry just likes a good sail.

And here’s my VANITY-themed limerick:

A fellow who’d constantly train
Did it mostly because he was vain.
He’s paid a steep price
To simply look nice:
At thirty he’s using a cane.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (473)

Saturday, July 10th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m so square, I get dizzy on gin —
Just one round and my head starts to spin.
Then I circle about,
Quite obtusely, no doubt,
Wond’ring what kind of shape I am in.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ETIQUETTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a Spin-Rhyme limerick:

Tim James:

Here’s some dating advice with no spin:
Treat the gal with respect, and you win!
Buy her choc’late and bling.
Oh, there’s one final thing:
Just make sure that she isn’t your kin.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Doug Harris, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Steve Benko, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ETIQUETTE LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

After eating his kith and his kin,
Sweeney asked Mrs. L for her spin
On the practice of such.
She said, “Don’t eat too much,
Because gluttony, luv, is a sin.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

I drank a small bathtub of gin
And felt my head starting to spin.
I got a rebuke
Cuz Mom saw me puke
Two steps before I reached the bin.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When a college boy gave you his “pin,”
You went into a jubilant spin.
So un-worldly were we,
We just didn’t foresee
That the pin was a pass to get in.

Sue Dulley:

I can’t wait for my life to begin.
Mom’s a skater, and with ev’ry spin
I get dizzy; I groan
To myself all alone –
If I had one, I’d moan to my twin.

Doug Harris:

I dated a ballet brunette.
Drove me wild did that lissome coquette.
When I said, “Please jump in
And let’s go for a spin,”
She surprised with a long pirouette.

Terry Marter:

So what kind of guilt-laden spin
Is this bullshit, – Original Sin?
We fools should believe
It’s from Adam and Eve?
It’s a ‘Cult’ that I’m glad I’m not in.

Rudy Landesman:

Cole Porter and Irving Berlin.
And Gershwin? Let’s do throw him in.
These guys were prolific.
Their songs were terrific.
To count them would make your head spin.

Steve Benko:

“This indictment’s a kick in the shin,
And I can’t get a pardon like Flynn,”
Groaned Weisselberg. “Allen,”
Said Trump, “Here’s a gallon
Of bullshit to give it good spin.”

Tim James:

A guy took a gal for a spin.
They parked, and committed a sin.
Then the car wouldn’t start,
So she fixed it. (She’s smart.)
She puts out and knows autos? Win-win!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ETIQUETTE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

My father is groping my ma.
In public! It’s quite the faux pas.
But my mom acts no better;
She whips off her sweater
And leashes his neck with her bra.

Terry Marter:

My opinion is Doc you’ve got guts,
If you think that with no ifs or buts,
You can check out my glands
With your freezing cold hands.
The price of such folly? Your Nuts!

Lisi Nortman:

“Now listen here, know-it-all chap:
I’ve deaf ears to your old-fashioned crap!
At 90 years old,
I’m feelin’ real bold,
And will NOT fold my hands on my lap.”

Jean McEwen:

When dining with others, please chew,
And then swallow your food before you
Try to talk prematurely,
’Cause otherwise, surely,
You’ll spray those around you with goo.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With proboscis upturned she will pace,
As she sniffs with disdain at my place.
Acting snooty (it stinks),
It’s her duty (she thinks).
It’s as plain as the nose on her face.

Tim James:

I used to let people incite me;
I’d yell and invite them to fight me.
Good manners I learned
From the beat-downs I earned.
Now I calmly tell folks just to bite me.

Sondra Landin:

’Twas a must-attend ‘manners’ oration,
With dull discourse and scant information.
But then we could chug
Champagne from a mug!
That ‘manner’ sparked much jubilation!

Roger Haugen:

A blooming but bashful coquette
Bit into a luscious baguette;
The roll was so sweet,
She barfed on her feet.
A societal queen? Not just yet.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Darling daughter, you must act with grace.
Keep a sweet, pleasant smile on your face.
Use a tissue to sneeze.
Say ‘thank you’ and ‘please.'”
“Thank you, Mama. Please get off my case!”

Tony Holmes:

In the etiquette stakes meine frau
Has the lead by a nose. This is how:
When in flatulent mode,
She will clench, as per code,
Then discreetly release as a sough.

Steve Benko:

Amy Vanderbilt once made a rule
That a gentleman never should drool.
But where topless girls prance
On the beaches of France,
To enforce it would surely be cruel.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SPIN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 10, 2021)

Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SPIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ETIQUETTE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ETIQUETTE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 11, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 10, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SPIN-rhyme limerick:

A gal who was clever at spin
Delivered it all with a grin.
Though her clients were sleazy
And cheesy, the breezy
Defenses she’d gin up would win.

And here’s my ETIQUETTE-themed limerick:

When he swallowed his wine, he was rapid.
Then he swiftly dismissed it as “vapid.”
His date was aghast:
“You guzzled it fast!
You’re insipid; that Pinot is sapid.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (472)

Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.

But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special TIMING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s always just after I ‘send,’
That I think of a far better end.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and penned.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick:

She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.

As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.

His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TIMING LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

To the waiter I made this request:
“On my chicken dish, please make it breast.”
Said the server (named Dale)
“All our chickens are male;
We have thigh, wing or drumstick, or chest.”

Terry Marter:

They played crap at the disco last night.
The DJ was high as a kite.
“Do we have a request?”
I said “Give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.

Lisi Nortman:

The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”

Kirk Miller:

When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.

Sondra Landin:

My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
’Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).

Tony Holmes:

There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms. Took;
Wields an iron, can cook,
And another, Ms. Vamp, for the rest.

Diane Groothuis:

A youngish gal made a request
To Cupid to give it a rest:
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me,
And your arrows have damaged my breast”

Jean McEwen:

When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
’Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TIMING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”

Steve Benko:

In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.

Dave Johnson:

His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.

Roger Haugen:

What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.

Tim James:

I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.

Terry Marter:

When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing,
While trying to waltz in 5/4!

Mark Totterdell:

His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.

Rudy Landesman:

There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her.

Bob Turvey:

1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.

Lisi Nortman:

A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 26, 2021)

Saturday, June 12th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TIMING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TIMING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 27, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 26, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST-rhyme two-verse limerick:

A man was consumed and obsessed
With his passionate study of EST.
He threatened divorce
In order to force
His spouse to embrace the same quest.

His wife in response said, “You’re mad!
And that fad’s turned you into a cad.
It’s controlling your mind.
We’re no longer aligned.
Quit that cult, or I’ll marry your dad.”

And here’s my TIMING-themed limerick:

A pianist who hailed from Venango
Was teaching while munching a mango.
“Your timing is off,”
She said with a scoff:
“It’s a waltz in 3/8; NOT a tango!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (471)

Saturday, June 12th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

For those who think tennis is boring,
Here’s a point that you may be ignoring:
If you stay in each set,
There’s a chance you can get
An abundance of love without scoring.

Congratulations to RUDY LANDESMAN, who wins the Special TRENDs-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Rudy Landesman:

The Australian Ballet’s been in town
With a dance trend that brought on a frown.
But try to be kind,
And please keep in mind
That at home they must dance upside down.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Sue Dulley, Rudy Landesman, Martin Galpin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SET or BeSET or UpSET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREND LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I’ll be getting a nice wash and set.
In the dryer, I’ll wear a black net,
Then use rollers each night,
Making sure that they’re tight.
(A trend I shall never forget.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SET or BeSET or UpSET”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

Two ladies, Yvonne and Yvette,
In the sack are a perfect matched set.
They are double the fun.
And in fact, when I’m done,
I need more than just one cigarette.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s really upset;
His wonderful blog hasn’t met
The threshold of views
Like the one people use
To ask about finding a pet.

Terry Marter:

As dinner guests walked through the door,
My dog just threw up on the floor.
And was I upset?
Quite frankly, you bet!
Then the dog grinned and threw up some more.

Sue Dulley:

My wake-up alarm has been set.
I’ll arrive right on time, don’t you fret.
We’ll have a great hike
On that trail that you like,
But text me in case I forget.

Dave Johnson:

When cast for a porn movie fling,
An actor decided to bring
Some fun to the set;
But the laughter he’d get
Was all about one little thing.

Rudy Landesman:

That question of whether to be—
Or not, and of troubles be free,
Has never beset,
Nor ever has let
The fardels I bear bother me.

( He adds: “Fardels? Don’t ask me. Ask Shakespeare.”)

Martin Galpin:

A nurse in Ohio was set
On proving the vaccine’s a threat.
But claims it’s magnetic
Are weak and pathetic:
The key’s clearly stuck on by sweat.

(Here’s a link, for those unfamiliar with this news story.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRENDS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman, for her “Covid Trends”

A new way of touching’s the key,
And it works for my hubby and me.
No more feelings of dread;
When we’re both in our bed,
We have sex that is fully hands-free.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Through my house, sporting bedhead, I roam.
Around noon I find toothbrush and comb.
I enjoy a loud yawn;
Later I might log on.
It’s the trend we call “working from home.”

Tim James:

“The trend is your friend”? That’s not true.
Don’t believe me? Then here’s what to do:
Read what’s trending on Twitter.
You’ll find that stuff’s fitter
For flushing, since most of it’s poo.

Steve Benko:

Today, wearing pants is old hat;
With Zoom, there is no need for that.
We can now scratch our balls
While on conference calls;
All hint of decorum’s gone ‘splat.’

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her “The New Owner Of Coffeebucks”

“Here’s your coffee. Please don’t drink it slow.
Nothin’ like a real quick cup a joe.
Close that laptop, my friend;
We don’t care for that trend.
Your time is now up, so please go.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Whispered Adam to Eve at the end,
“I’m so glad you are MORE than a friend.”
Then the earth began quaking —
Their apple tree shaking —
And they feared they had started a trend.

Mark Totterdell:

My platform-heeled boots are like bricks,
And my high-waisted jeans (I have pics!)
Flap-flap-flap as I stride
As they’re half a yard wide.
My excuse is, it’s ’76!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SET/BeSET/UpSET the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 12, 2021)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SET or BeSET or UpSET at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TRENDS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TRENDS-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 13, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 12, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SET or BeSET or UpSET-rhyme limerick:

I need all the sleep I can get,
But I can’t get to sleep on a bet.
(Or a bed, for that matter.)
I blame all the chatter
My brain conjures up. I’m beset.

And here’s my TRENDS-themed limerick:

If I tried to be cool, I would fail.
Trends are nothing I ever would hail.
If I wear something “in,”
It has probably been
Purchased decades ago … and on sale.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (470)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”

Tim James:

D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.

Rudy Landesman:

I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.

Tim James:

With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?

Mark Totterdell:

When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.

Bob Turvey:

To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”

Tim James:

They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)

P Diane Schneider:

The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”

David Friedman:

There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”

Terry Marter:

Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Judge “Mental” About Limericks

Friday, May 21st, 2021

In the off chance that anyone cares what I look for when judging my Limerick-Off contests:

My favorite lim’ricks are clean.
(Though I’m fine if a smart lim’s obscene.)
Be it up or dystopic,
No matter the topic,
Wit and wordplay can light up my screen.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TRACK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 29, 2021 )

Sunday, May 16th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TRACK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PHONES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PHONE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 30, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 29, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my TRACK-rhyme limerick:

Under pressure, my voice tends to crack,
Which upsets me and sends me off track.
No I’m not a young male,
But a gal whose words fail
When I need them the most; I’m a flack.

And here’s my PHONE-themed limerick:

My life without smart-phones ain’t tough.
So your pity, I’ll always rebuff.
I’ve no call for complaint;
Though a smart-phone it ain’t,
My “smart-enough-phone’s” up to snuff.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!