Archive for the ‘Limerick Competition’ Category

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TIME or THYME at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 27, 2019)

Sunday, July 14th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TIME or THYME at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INVESTMENT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INVESTMENT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 28, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 27, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my TIME/THYME-rhyme limerick:

My husband Mark’s cooking? Sublime!
But my kitchen ineptness? A crime!
Don’t believe me? How’s this
For ignorant bliss:
Can’t distinguish paprika from thyme.

And here’s my INVESTMENT-themed limerick:

An investor who frequently strains
Our credulity always maintains
That he’s made lots of bread,
But rumors have spread
That pounds are the guy’s only gains.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (326)

Sunday, July 14th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Mosquitoes just laugh at my screen;
They somehow get through it unseen,
And night after night
As they swarm in to bite,
They say “Hey! A blood-donor machine!”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Wind Instrument-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The string section thinks of the brass
As totally lacking in class.
The woodwinds, meanwhile,
Just sit there and smile;
They’re high on some really good grass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bindy Bitterman, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Kirk Miller, Walter Daum, John Cooney, Margie Nairn, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Jesse Levy, Tim James, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCREEN” RHYME DIVISION)

Bindy Bitterman:

Little Mikey was charming, but MEAN!
He detested the guy Ma was seein’.
But he smiled and he beckoned
And at the last second
Pushed the guy Mama liked through the screen!

Dave Johnson:

He apparently wanted to preen;
His member was flashed on her screen.
She answered “Oh wow,
I’m watching it now;
Your pinky’s the cutest I’ve seen!”

Will T. Laughlin:

Believe me, I really don’t mean
To sound Luddite. But many a teen
Has been taught to insist
That is doesn’t exist
If it doesn’t appear on a screen.

Kirk Miller:

To decipher and know what words mean
Can be hard, as I’m sure you have seen.
There’s a word that I know
Which means “hide” — also “show” —
Contradictory meanings of “screen.”

Walter Daum:

A drone-guiding, fearless marine
Was fighting an evil unseen.
He stormed into battle,
For no foe could rattle
A man armed with keyboard and screen.

John Cooney:

My revealing audition on screen
Aroused the Producer, so keen,
Who had one single question,
Well, more a suggestion:
“Please tell me you’re over sixteen!”

Margie Nairn:

We bought a gigantic TV;
Hi-Def, it’s the best it can be!
But the set has a sheen
That reflects off the screen,
So there’s no bloody way you can see!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WIND INSTRUMENTS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I play bagpipes; I’m always in sync.
Yet sometimes I sit down and think:
How good could I be?
Cuz most people agree
I sound best when they’ve had a stiff drink.

Brian Allgar:

“Grasp it firmly with both hands,” he said.
“Now go down on it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?

Will T. Laughlin:

What’s that terrible sound, like a dozen
Big blowflies contentedly buzzin’
’Round the ass of a horse?
Why, a Krummhorn, of course:
The kazoo’s less agreeable cousin!

Jean McEwen:

When away from my trusty spittoon
On the stage where I play the bassoon,
The saliva that drips
Through the reeds from my lips
Turns the sound of each note into ruin.

Will T. Laughlin:

“Men, horny?” My friend shook her head;
“We should call them ‘tromboney’ instead,
For the young ones take pride
In the length of their slide…
And the old ones? They’re sackbuts,” she said.

Jesse Levy:

I used to be good on the sax,
But my practice has gotten so lax;
With tonguing and fing’ring
I’ve just been maling’ring.
My horniness slipped through the cracks.

Tim James:

An orchestra struck for more pay.
Tempers flared; threats and anger held sway.
Then the woodwinds and brass
Got the contract to pass;
Non-violins carried the day.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Mr. Trumpet, I want you to know
That I feel it is time you should go.
We have done all that jazz,
And I’ll think of you as
A nice fella who I used to blow.

Steve Benko:

With the proper equipment for Scuba,
You could almost dive into a tuba.
All its depths you’d explore
Till a musical score
Caused its owner to blow you to Cuba.

Dave Johnson:

A bagpiper, Argus McDiffy
Was marching so proud and quite spiffy.
But wind gusts would come,
Thus revealing his bum;
Along with a crowd-pleasing stiffy.

Tim James:

I asked if she wanted to feel
My instrument. “Sure!” With great zeal,
She fingered and blew it.
From this I intuit
I’ve still got that ol’ sax appeal.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCREEN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 13, 2019)

Saturday, June 29th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCREEN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WIND INSTUMENTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WIND-INSTRUMENT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 14, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 13, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SCREEN-rhyme limerick, which happens to be an acrostic limerick:

She is tiny; at barely five feet,
Her heels swing from a normal-sized seat.
Oh those movies, unseen;
Rangy men block the screen.
Theater’s hopeless; home-viewing is sweet.

And here’s my WIND-INSTRUMENT-themed limerick, which is also an acrostic limerick:

Oh the sound of the oboe is great,
But the reed making makes me irate.
Often reeds that seem fine
End up trashed. (Most of mine!)
So I envy the flute player’s fate.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (325)

Saturday, June 29th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pirate who died in Dakar
Lost his booty at cards in a bar.
Giving up all that loot
Made his chest pains acute.
Sadly, no one there knew CP arrrr.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special FARM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a SALUTE-rhyme limerick:

Damn toxins get right to the root
And damage the veggies and fruit.
So on Earth Day we tried
To throw them aside,
And a worm gave a grateful salute.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, David Reddekopp, Tim James, Kirk Miller, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FARM LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Las Vegas has riveting charm,
But it also can cause you much harm;
If you aren’t astute,
You can lose all your loot.
So remember: Don’t bet the whole farm!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Diane Groothuis:

A flautist who played on a flute
And a lutenist playing a lute
Went busking one day,
But they lost all their pay
As the looter was much more astute.

David Reddekopp:

The prez is an ignorant brute,
An orangutan stuffed in a suit.
He, for all of his days
Seeks unwarranted praise,
But I’ll give the one-finger salute.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FARM LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Farmer Bob gave a new crop a try
When his cash flow went badly awry.
The results have been grand:
Now supply and demand
Keep his profits and customers high.

Kirk Miller:

From the past, U.S. farmers don’t learn.
Lots of topsoil’s eroded; they yearn
For rich, fertile soil
In which they can toil.
Lack of dirt is a growing concern.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The stampede of the cows caused him harm.
Then the pigs went and chewed off his arm.
From this horror he dropped,
Till his breathing had stopped.
(The old codger had bought the whole farm.)

David Friedman:

A horny cheese-farmer named Jay
Would shtup his poor cows every day.
The cows would start chewing
When he started spewing,
But it never did get in his whey.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 29, 2019)

Saturday, June 15th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FARMS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FARM-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 30, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 29, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

My opinion won’t change; it’s immutable:
That boyfriend of yours is unsuitable;
A galoot in a suit
Who is after your loot,
As you’ll see from my proof irrefutable.

And here’s my farm-themed limerick:

A tenderfoot, new at the farm,
Was arrested; he’d whined that his arm
And his foot were both tender,
Then went on a bender.
(The farm’s owner was part-time gendarme.)

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (324)

Saturday, June 15th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

An airliner flushing its can
Flew over a sports-loving man.
While watching the game,
Through his roof it all came;
And that’s how the shit hit the fan.

(Dave notes that this actually happened during a 1992 Seahawks/Raiders game.)

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special PEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Before you kill rodents, it’s best
To consider who’s host and who’s guest.
From their point of view
It’s most certainly true
That you and not they are the pest.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Charles Mousseau, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Ailsa McKillop, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Miller, Roger Haugen, and Bruce McGuffin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PEST LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

I bought and installed a big fan.
“Keeps mosquitoes away,” said the man.
They were false guarantees,
For the pests loved the breeze,
And the bloodsucking banquet began.

Brian Allgar:

Said an angry, disgruntled ex-fan:
“That swamp-draining promise? Oh, man!
Instead of de-pested,
The swamp’s more infested
Than even the day you began!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Charles Mousseau:

“I’m sweltering on this divan;
Swirl the air just as fast as you can,”
She begged of her friend,
Who declined in the end,
With “I’m sorry; I’m just not a fan.”

Sharon Neeman:

An autograph-seeker named Stan
To invade a star’s flat had a plan:
He had come there, said he,
“To replace your A/C” —
Which made sense, because Stan was a fan.

Tim James:

Herb the gardener couldn’t abide
That he got no sweet love from his bride.
She hooked up with a man
Who’s a big oral fan.
Consequently, she tossed Herbicide.

Robert Schechter:

In twenty-sixteen when he ran,
The fall of our nation began.
The fires of hate
Did NOT make us great
But consumed us as Trump held the fan.

Ailsa McKillop, who notes that this is a true story about thinking one’s found a fellow Gilbert & Sullivan enthusiast:

The ticket evoked old Japan;
A geisha it showed, with a fan.
“‘The Mikado!’ The best!”
But the judge said: “You jest!
It’s Puccini, La Scala, Milan.”

Fred Bortz:

On his feet sore from bone spurs, he ran
From that war. (He was never a fan.)
An excuse, finely crafted,
Meant Trump wasn’t drafted,
And taught him that lies make the man.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PEST LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Settle down! It is only a roach!
Just do this: As he makes his approach
Up your thigh toward your tush,
And then heads for your bush,
Grab the Raid Spray and dole out a dose!

Sharon Neeman:

Not the blood, not the frogs, not the lice,
Nor wild beasts and diseases not nice,
Could faze Pharaoh — but when
He hit Plague #10,
He grew weary of paying the price.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

With pests that are big, you say, “SHOO,”
But when they are small, that’s not true;
In our water bed we
Thought there might be a flea
When we noticed a tiny canoe.

David Miller:

I have smoked hairy spiders and slugs.
I have snorted crushed beetles off rugs.
I’ve injected some bees
And I’ve popped lots of fleas.
Yes I should have just said “no” to bugs.

Tim James:

I once knew a fellow named Riley
Whose bosses regarded him highly.
I thought him a pest
’Cause of what he did best:
Kissing management’s butts very slyly.

Roger Haugen:

The cops made a slew of arrests
In notorious criminal nests;
When asked why the fuss,
The Chief said “That’s us–
“We detest those pestiferous pests.”

Bruce McGuffin:

I’m a garrulous poetry rogue on
My way to verse worse than a Vogon.
My iambs suggest
Out-of-whack anapest.
Would it help if I put a fake brogue on?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Who thought of the words “Pest Control?”
I think they are laughingly droll.
With these bugs I’m not thrilled,
And I just want them killed,
But to govern them isn’t my role.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FAN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 15, 2019)

Saturday, June 1st, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PESTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PEST-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 16, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 15, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my FAN-rhyme limerick:

I have not shot a Glock, though I’ve played one.
(The “band” kind and NOT the “brigade one.”)
But I’m just not a fan
Of either. A ban
Would sound fine. There’s no need to parade one.

And here’s my PEST-themed limerick:

A nudnik is under arrest,
But as people are pleased to attest,
Despite plenty of flaws,
He would never break laws–
He’s just guilty of being a pest.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (323)

Saturday, June 1st, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to HILDY ZAMPELLA, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Each evening, as darkness approaches,
See them scurry about, all the roaches.
What a friendly old dump;
Even rats nice and plump
Come on out just to say “buenas noches.”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Cuisine-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend and I in the kitchen
Make a sauce that we both find bewitchin’.
In this recipe French
She behaves like a wench,
And I peel off her layers of stitchin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Kim Norman, Dave Johnson, Bruce McGuffin, David Friedman, and John Edwards. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DUMP” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He placed his gargantuan rump
On the solid-gold toilet. Said Trump,
On inspecting the haul,
“That’s the greatest of all!
Bette Davis was right: What a dump!”

Sharon Neeman:

As we jogged down the street past the dump,
I heard a most ominous thump:
The stench of decay
Made my partner first sway,
Then stagger, then fall on his rump.

Jean McEwen:

I have frequently wondered how Trump,
Who, possessed of a sizable rump
And comportment so haughty,
Approaches the potty
When driven to take a large dump.

Tim James:

A guy who was dumb as a stump
Took his gal to a landfill to hump.
She had too much panache
To make love among trash.
The result: he got dumped at the dump.

Tim Gray:

The Tower of one Mr. Trump
Is having a bit of a slump.
Tenant treatment’s appalling,
And values are falling.
Is it slowly becoming a dump?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CUISINE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When dining in China, I’m faced
With a quandary: Whether to taste
The still-squiggling fish
That they’ll plop on my dish,
Or head for McDonald’s post-haste.

Lisi Nortman:

Eating “whole foods” and seeds made me quake.
Grains and seaweed sure gave me an ache.
And when I first tried flax
I just couldn’t relax;
Turning vegan was one huge missed steak!

Sharon Neeman:

Mark looked at her glass and said “Gad!
What an awful drink YOU almost had!
The French may cook frogs;
Balinese may roast dogs —
But you just can’t drink ladybugs*, Mad!”

* And yes, I came very close to swallowing a ladybug. Fortunately, I noticed it swimming in my glass of water, just as I was about to take a large sip.

Kirk Miller:

By making some food in a flurry,
The cook got a raise in a hurry
From her Indian boss
For a fabulous sauce.
And she did it by favoring curry.

Kim Norman:

When people go vegan, they shout it.
Their food’s never butchered; they sprout it.
With tofu and grains,
They’ve unfettered their veins.
If only they’d shut up about it!

Dave Johnson:

The White House is lacking in flair
When champion sports teams are there.
It’s Big Macs and fries
For just some of their guys;
The rest skipped the whole, dumb affair.

Bruce McGuffin:

To eat with your feet is just rude.
It’s barbaric, revolting and crude.
But I’ve got to try it
As part of my diet.
Instead of meat, I’ll eat toe food.

David Friedman:

Said Anton, a consummate foodie,
“My dishes are things of great beauty;
They’re gorgeous, nutritious,
Gourmet and delicious,
But always just end up as doodie.”

John Edwards:

There’s a chef who likes venting his spleen
On TV, whilst preparing cuisine.
And his language I fear
Means no knighthood next year.
You CAN’T say “F… off” to the Queen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DUMP at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 1, 2019)

Saturday, May 18th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DUMP at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CUISINE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CUISINE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 2, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 1, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my DUMP-Rhyme limerick:

We found a cute house we adored,
And it’s one we can even afford.
But our plans hit a bump;
It’s one mile from a dump,
So when wind hits, the smell is unt’ward.

And here’s my CUISINE-related limerick:

A young fellow was spilling the beans:
“My sister’s been feeding her greens
To the dog and the cat.”
She was called on the mat
And then caught with cuisine in her jeans.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (322)

Saturday, May 18th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

She was short, came from Maine, and she drank,
But by golly, in bed she could crank.
Her man’s love life was flat,
But she cured him of that.
All he needed was one little Yank.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Intimidation-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick, which is also a Crank-Rhyme limerick:

The lenders who ran Deutsche Bank
Decided to finance a crank;
A son of a bitch
Who claimed he was rich,
Though his bankruptcy record just stank.

Perhaps they were cowed by his power
And funded his ego-fueled tower.
Though they used other words,
The deal soon turned to turds,
And the stench sent them all to the shower.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Bruce McGuffin, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jack Ritter, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRANK” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The Donald, a clown and a crank,
Played Russian Roulette as a prank.
But no harm was done
When he fired the gun —
Both his brain and the bullet were blank.

Craig Dykstra:

Looks like Mad is becoming a crank;
And her patience runs thin, to be frank.
This lim-writing geezer
Would like to appease her
But my brain keeps on drawing a … um … damn.

Bruce McGuffin:

Donald T. went on Twitter to crank
That his businesses didn’t all tank.
“For plebeians a loss
May be bad but a boss
Like me laughs all the way to the bank.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A seafaring man was a crank,
And the crew finally yelled, “Walk the plank!”
He died still complaining
Because it was raining,
While into the water he sank.

Jack Ritter:

Kane said the last word must be “crank.”
So I tried, but I just drew a blank.
You rivals, I’ve heard,
Have solved the last word.
No doubt, you will earn higher rank.

Brian Allgar:

“My sex life is over!” moaned Hank.
“I guess I forgot how to wank.”
Said his old buddy, Buck,
“Well, it’s just like my truck —
To start it up, give it a crank.”

Tim James:

A man who was known as a crank
Gave a woman a pat on the flank.
What she said was so foul
In her subsequent howl,
To convey it, I’d have to say [blank].

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTIMIDATION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

That Black Angus is pawing the ground
As if warning: “Beware – I’m unbound!”
But I’m simply unbowed–
Won’t be bullied or cowed
By that stare or that loud snorting sound.

Ken Gosse:

You’ll fail to intimidate me,
Though you stare while I water this tree,
Because I must make haste
In displacing the waste
Of traditional afternoon tea.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I QUIT! I have reached the finality!
I’m lost in my quest for normality!
What intimidates me
(It’s now so clear to see)
Is ev-er-y part of reality.

Tim James:

Multitalented polyglot Sue’s
Got a math Ph.D. Her IQ’s
Genius-level, sky-high.
But that threatened her guy,
So he now dates a gal at Fox News.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRANK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 18, 2019)

Sunday, May 5th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRANK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INTIMIDATION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INTIMIDATION-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 19, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 18, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my CRANK-rhyme limerick:

James Patterson snarfs up the space
On shelves at a breath-taking pace.
The fellow can crank
Out best-sellers. His bank
Account brands him a book-making ace.

And here is my INTIMIDATION limerick:

If your bite is much worse than your bark,
The fear you instill can be stark.
So be careful in wielding
Your power; unyielding
Displays ain’t a walk in the park.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (321)

Sunday, May 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

On vacation, I paddle and grin
In warm seawater up to my chin —
But if I were a cuke,
I’d be wanting to puke
And would wail: “What a pickle I’m in!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special POLICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Trooper Jenna’s a cop who will nail ya
While working her beat in Centralia.
If speeding’s your crime,
This would be the one time
That you don’t want to see Jenna tail ya.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Val Fish, and John Shardlow. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIN or CHAGRIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A gambler, his face in a grin,
Took a gal to his place for some sin.
Well-known as a joker,
He started to poke ’er
And quipped as he did: “I’m all in!”

David Friedman:

The surgeon downed three shots of gin,
As his patient looked on with chagrin.
Said he: “This small step
Is an alcohol prep,
And your surgery now can begin.”

Jean McEwen:

Last night, when my Siamese twin
Overdid it with Beefeater Gin,
She and I both got smashed.
Now, hung over, abashed,
We’ve a mutual sense of chagrin.

Ken Gosse:

Three large ships landed far from the shore,
Where some shepherds, kings, camels, and more
Paid for rooms at the inn,
Causing Joseph chagrin,
As the landlord made profits galore.

Mike Burch:

Just thinking of Trump makes me grin:
I imagine glass walls caving in
And that fat flabby ass
Exposed, belching gas
That ignites and devours his kin.

Sharon Neeman:

As I walk my big dog through the city,
The joy on her face is so pretty!
The expression it’s in
Is… well, not quite a grin:
It’s more like a Smile of Great Pittie.

Brian Allgar:

Donald Junior displays, with a grin,
Yet another dead animal skin.
It is really too bad
That it isn’t his Dad
That the murderous creep has done in.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:

Lose that sadness and put on a grin
And set out to feel joy from within.
Under stress, you’ll pull through,
Getting pleasure anew.
Have a chuckle. Chill out. It’s no sin.

Tim James:

A Republican flunky named Flynn
Stoked a mob with a lunatic grin.
“Lock her up!” was his cry
As the lies he let fly.
When does HIS stretch in prison begin?

Val Fish:

With his sermon about to begin
The priest had to hide a huge grin,
Cuz just minutes ago
Out the back with a pro
He’d committed a cardinal sin.

Lisi Nortman:

My good pal always wears a wide grin.
He says “Life is just one big win-win.”
“Start each day with a smile,
Knowing all of the while
That you’ll end it with Beefeater Gin.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POLICE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When you’re drunk, heading back from the bar,
And a trooper pulls over your car,
There’s no point in insisting
You’re sober; resisting
Arrest just won’t get you that far.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love and have peace…
And if you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And a couple of golden egg geese.

Brian Allgar, who says: “Fake News, I’m sorry to say.”

The Donald loves copping a feel:
“Grab a pussy, and hear how they squeal!”
But he’s now doing time
For a sexual crime;
He was feeling a cop – no appeal.

John Shardlow:

It seems Superman’s got a new hobby;
He robs guests in the Radisson lobby.
He dons a red cape
And make his escape,
Pursued by an Oxford Street bobby.

Tim James:

A cop pulled me over, it’s true,
When I’d had a martini or two.
(Maybe three…maybe five…)
I said, “I’m drood to guyve!”
Now alas, like that trooper, I’m blue.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GRIN or CHAGRIN at the end of any one line

Saturday, April 20th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GRIN or CHAGRIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to POLICE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best POLICE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 5, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 4, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my GRIN-Rhyme limerick:

“You’re meeting my folks, so be nice.
Please pretend that you’re sugar and spice.
That’s a smirk; not a grin.
Can’t you smile? Lose the gin
And behave, or you won’t see them twice.”

And here’s my POLICE-Themed limerick:

A fellow was sick of the grind
And desp’rate to go and unwind.
But relaxing was hard;
He was always on guard,
Cuz a cop never knows what he’ll find.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (320)

Saturday, April 20th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:

Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sim Smailes:

Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”

Tim James:

A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.

Robert Schechter:

I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”

Fred Bortz:

“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.

Ken Gosse:

I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.

Kirk Miller:

Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”

Steve Benko:

We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?

Kat Irving:

As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)

Alan Hochbaum:

Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.

Tim James:

She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.

Brian Allgar:

“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.

Dave Johnson:

I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FUSED/CONFUSED or EYES at the end of any one line

Sunday, April 7th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FUSED/CONFUSED or EYES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.) (Yes, I’m allowing TWO different rhyme schemes in this contest because fused/confused has fewer rhyme words than usual.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LEMONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LEMON-related limerick. (For those outside of the U.S., who may possibly not know this, LEMONS can be much more than a citrus fruit.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 21, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 20, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick, which uses both rhyme schemes:

I stared at a painting, confused;
Yes, bewildered, perplexed, and bemused.
“It’s insightful!” “It’s wise!”
“He paints with his eyes!”
(Said by fans — I surmise they were boozed.)

And here’s my LEMON-themed limerick, a two-verser:

A fellow was beaming with pride
Cuz he’d purchased a flashy new ride.
But he speedily found
That his car wasn’t sound
And was facing a recall world-wide.

When he drove it, the engine soon died.
Then he learned its transmission was fried.
His lemony car
Made him go way too far…
And for murder he soon shall be tried.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (319)

Sunday, April 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:

Tough love may be fine when you’re grown,
But for children, best leave it alone;
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard,
You will soon reap just what you have sown.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DIVORCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Brian Allgar:

Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says ‘You’re married till dead.'”

“I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce.'”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Reddekopp, Steve Benko, Margie Nairn, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GROWN or GROAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

When ice cream is sold in a cone
That can’t hold a scoop on its own,
Let alone two or three
I’ll say “Kids’ size for me,”
And ignore how much up I have grown.

David Reddekopp:

I’ve made lim’ricks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my lim’rick collection has groan.

Steve Benko:

My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.

Margie Nairn:

She hopped from the bed with a groan:
“Where’s that condom? It seems to have flown!”
“Don’t be daft,” said her mate.
“But please rush! Oops, too late,”
He said with a smile and a moan.

Tim James:

A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.

Brian Allgar:

When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

That document sure made me groan;
It’s wording, to me, was unknown.
So I saw Rabbi Hunt,
And he read back to front.
Then explained The Reverse Mortgage Loan.

Dave Johnson:

A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.

Robert Schechter:

A pun’s like a seedling that’s sown,
So fragile, its future’s unknown.
Most die in the ground,
But sometimes it’s found
That a pun will survive till full groan.

Roger Haugen:

The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“They’re the most precious things that I own.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DIVORCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.

Robert Schechter:

Our love for each other was true.
We were married. Our love only grew.
But the day she said “MAGA!”
Our amorous saga
Was over. Our marriage was through.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

For years I was suff’ring with grief.
I’ll tell you my story, real brief:
I got wed (then remorse),
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e,
And that is how I spelled relief.

Steve Benko:

Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief,
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”

Kat Irving:

He cried when the judge looked his way.
“Divorce me?” he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.

Kirk Miller:

Though both of the Cyclops did try
Hard to make marriage work, theirs did die;
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GROWN or GROAN at the end of any one line

Saturday, March 23rd, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GROWN or GROAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DIVORCE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DIVORCE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 7, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 6, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Whenever a fellow would nap
His collie would leap on his lap.
Then he’d groan and he’d moan.
(The dog was full-grown.)
How he longed for a dog-warning app.

And here’s my Divorce-themed limerick:

Although “civil,” it’s certain to vex
And is rarely divorced from bad sex.
It takes courtrooms and cash,
Zealous Esqs who are brash:
It’s converting your spouse to an ex.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (318)

Saturday, March 23rd, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Two pencils set off on erase,
Looking sharp as they scratched out a pace;
The number one led,
Then the two got ahead,
But it ended a draw for first place.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Conductor-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

An ancient conductor named Tim
(Not me) met that Reaper most Grim.
He was well past his prime
Up on stage, beating time,
Till today, when time fin’lly beat him.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Thomas Vincent, Kat Irving, John Edwards, Lisi Nortman, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RACE or ERASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

When the demagogue entered the race
Scary changes began to take place.
People took great delight
Showing hatred and spite,
Meeting two definitions of “base.”

Fred Bortz:

“It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
“Your body’s so supple.
I’m eager to couple.”
She replied, “Wait, this isn’t a race.”

Thomas Vincent:

When viewed from a ship out in space,
Humanity’s such a disgrace.
If evolving’s the test,
And Trump is the best,
We surely aren’t winning the race.

Kat Irving:

I’m in love with a dashing young fellow
Who plays an enormous red cello.
When he picks up the pace,
My heart starts to race.
And I swoon when his touch becomes mellow.

Tim James:

He was awed by her body and face,
So he went with her, back to her place,
Where he found out that “she”
Was hung better than he.
That’s an image he’d like to erase.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONDUCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

John Edwards:

To a cellist, a maestro from Datchet
Said, “This is the tempo – please match it!
Your instrument lies
Between your two thighs;
And you just seem to sit there and scratch it.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The conductor seemed very forlorn:
He told me, “I’m terribly torn;
Though this job is first-rate,
Today wasn’t great
Cause Ms. Dinah would not blow my horn.”

Brian Allgar:

“That flautist!” recalled the conductor.
“She was hot, and I tried to instruct her
In ‘playing the flute,’
But my flute had gone mute,
So, regrettably, I never … what’s the phrase I’m looking for?”

John Edwards:

The conductor stepped onto the stand.
A lady said, “Isn’t he grand!
He looks pretty slick
With his cute little stick.
And he waves it in time with the band.

Fred Bortz:

I’m thinking of writing these tomes:
For building things, “Bucky’s Great Domes”;
For Quantum Mechanics,
“Why Schrödinger Panics”;
For conductors, “There’s No Law Like Ohm’s.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Musicians will often expound
A philosophy, very profound:
“The conductor’s unkind,
But we do keep in mind
That at least that damn stick makes no sound.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RACE or ERASE at the end of any one line

Saturday, March 9th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RACE or ERASE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CONDUCTORS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CONDUCTOR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 24, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 23, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Though his conduct has been a disgrace,
He’s reformed and he hopes to erase
His transgressions from searches,
Cuz Google besmirches;
He’s harmed by each truth-telling trace.

And here’s my conductor limerick:

When audience members still cheer
A conductor whose meter’s unclear
And whose gestures and cues
Mislead and confuse,
Count on this: He looks cute from the rear.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (317)

Saturday, March 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He gave scullers a recommendation
That they ought to use synchronization
To improve their boat’s speed,
Because what rowers need
Is a great deal of co-oar-dination.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special POULTRY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My chicken was glum in her coop;
She was coughing and had a bad croup.
So we called Doc Elixir,
Who told us to fix’er
By giving her hot people soup.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Victor Hood, John Shardlow, Thomas Vincent, Brian Allgar, Kat Irving, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED” RHYME DIVISION)

Charles Simmons:

A knight galloped up on his steed
To rescue a maiden in need.
But his horse hit a rut,
He lit on his butt,
And the fair damsel laughed till she peed.

Dave Johnson:

A baker’s assistant must heed
Instructions to get up to speed.
Now here’s my advice:
Be direct and concise;
Then give them the dough that they knead.

Fred Bortz:

My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
In order to be PhDed:
Your thesis committee
Must grill without pity.
It’s time that you be third-degreed.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In “Defense Class” the ladies agreed
To follow the famed Kick-Box Creed:
“Keep real careful watch,
Go right for the crotch,
And make sure he is properly kneed.”

Tim James:

A guy with a strong carnal need
Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
“What I want, I don’t know.
Let’s just go with the flow.”
Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.

Victor Hood:

She said to me, “I’m in great need
Of a very large dose of some speed.
Though my body is yours,
To get into my drawers
The deal is the speed for the deed.

John Shardlow:

The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
I’ll slay you for spilling your seed.”
He replied “There’s no waste;
It’s wallpaper paste.
It happens when I feel the knead.”

Thomas Vincent:

An indigent baker named Reid,
Made loaves with some illegal weed.
Soon the profits did grow;
He was rolling in dough.
Not bad for a baker in knead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POULTRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
For his tongue all too often got stuck,
And he gave them a shock
At the rest’rant “Thai Wok” –
He’d intended to order Fried Duck.

Kat Irving:

The handsome young rooster was loosed
On the young of the brood. He seduced
A hen called Matilda.
The shock nearly killed her!
His chickens will come home to roost.

Mike Moulton:

A handsome young chicken named Fred
Tried to charm all the hens in the shed;
He said “I’m a great cock.”
But the hens in the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Tim James:

The detective, his face in a scowl,
At the murder scene let out a growl:
“These dead turkeys and chickens ―
The sight of them sickens!
Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”

Brian Allgar:

I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
But when I am starving,
I’d rather be carving
A swan, which I’m eating at present.

Jean McEwen:

As a vegan, I follow a creed:
I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
Even eggs are taboo,
So I’ve really no clue
Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.

Tim James:

My poultry plant foreman averred
That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
“If that hen you just plucked
Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.

David Friedman:

The chicken was mad and it showed:
“I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed.
“Forgotten have I
The whole reason why
I crossed this proverbial road.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!