Posts Tagged ‘Bob Turvey’

Limerick-Off Award (496)

Saturday, May 28th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick. (It’s a Triple-Duty Limerick: WIRE-Rhyming, WATER-Themed, and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick, which uses each of the five designated Random Words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, and THINK.)

I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the WATER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Terry Marter:

Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her daughter,
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own tush
Past the crowd, to a bush…
But her tush only passed wind and water.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “RANDOM WORD GENERATOR” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.

That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, James Graff, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Steve Dufour, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz,
Bob Turvey, Konrad Schwoerke, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dane Paulsen,
David Friedman, Tony Holmes, Doug Harris, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder: (Water-Themed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)

When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.

Linda A. C. Fuller: (Wire-Rhymed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)

An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught.
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire;
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WIRE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.

James Graff:

If there’s one thing I really admire,
It’s a man who can walk the high wire.
But I’ll watch from below
As he puts on his show…
And pray that he won’t take a flyer.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?

Brian Allgar:

The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”

Tim James:

Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
’Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”

Steve Dufour:

This world is connected by wire.
Information spreads much like a fire.
But some of it’s fake,
So care we must take;
We mustn’t enable a liar.

Mark Totterdell:

A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.

Fred Bortz:

The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.

Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WATER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Bob Turvey:

On my bottle it says “It’s still water.”
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”

Tim James:

There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yes, ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.

Terry Marter:

I was filming bull sharks (and some blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911,
But my ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and then call the news.”

Dane Paulsen:

My golf drive requires a spotter;
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret,
But my golf shoes get wet.
And the wetter I get, well – the hotter.

Lisi Nortman:

We were finally on the right track.
Couldn’t wait to see dear uncle Jack.
Then I screamed, “Bill, look there!
Something says, “Please Beware!
If this sign’s under water, turn back!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR” LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I will cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
Thinking, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”

David Friedman:

I think you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her shoes
(And her miscreant spouse,
The arrogant louse.)
She’s retired; her son’s now the news.

Tony Holmes:

“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant ‘pistol for hire.’
Getting shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”

Konrad Schwoerke:

If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”

Doug Harris:

The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise.

Gail White:

When I noticed a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.

Mark Totterdell:

He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!

Terry Marter:

The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac; hence,
His voice is now two octaves higher.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (490)

Saturday, March 5th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

What a beautiful voice, but egad!
She’s so dull that it makes me feel sad.
When she endlessly drones
In those sweet dulcet tones
It’s like “Dancing Queen” played on a Strad.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special REJECTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

When big Jack said “Let’s Wed” I said “Yup.”
We agreed to forego the prenup.
I should’ve knocked back
Those advances from Jack
But I didn’t, and now I’m knocked up.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DRONES”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Linda A. C. Fuller:

A speaker who mumbles and drones
Will be greeted with hisses and moans
From an audience mainly
Comprised of ungainly
Glass housers who shouldn’t throw stones.

Terry Marter:

The night-show of bright swarming drones
Was wiped out by a storm, amid groans.
Parents cursed ‘Fuck you God’
On their wet homeward plod
While their kids looked up ‘Fuck’ on their phones.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Some people still say they don’t care
About noises that buzz in the air
From those ear-splitting drones
Which rattle my bones.
It’s more peaceful to sleep at O’Hare.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Which is worse — a new suitor who drones
On and on about stuff that he owns,
Or an old one who drums
With his thumbs while he hums
Strange renditions of hits by The Stones?

Tim James:

Tom the deviant currently owns
High-def vid cams that fly on his drones.
He was peeping at Dawn
Till her brother caught on.
Tom’s now sporting a few broken bones.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve heard buzz that some honey bee drones
Can have trysts (even though they lack bones.)
Should a queen bee fly by,
They will take to the sky
In pursuit of erogenous zones.

Mark Totterdell:

If the sounds of loud squeals, honks and groans
And unmusical wavering drones
Aren’t appealing to you,
Then the best thing to do
Is to not buy your children trombones.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (REJECTION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Rejected from Harvard? But why?
I’m such an intelligent guy!
I’ve read poems and prose,
Like “The Sun Also Rose”
And my fav’rite was “Pitcher On Rye.”

Fred Bortz:

Dear Author, Your work I decline,
Though I love every nuance and line.
It’s sexy and funny,
And we pay good money,
But not for our readers, age nine.

Rudy Landesman:

I thought we were great, when in bed.
I loved her and wanted to wed.
Now I can’t understand;
When I asked for her hand,
She gave me the finger instead.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

No one laughed at my yarns at my school.
They rejected my puns, as a rule.
So to cover my hurt
I embroidered a shirt
With big letters that read, “This Is Crewel!”

Bob Turvey:

Said his doc to a fellow called Hewish,
“Your heart’s effed – and that’s why you’re bluish.
But this pig heart is new;
I can give it to you.”
“I’ll reject it,” said Hewish. “I’m Jewish.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A young student done-in by pre med,
Thought he’d ace aeronautics instead.
He said, “I’ll make my bones
By mastering drones!”
But the subject was over his head.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (489)

Saturday, February 19th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When the mountain folk first grew aware,
That their “Bigfoot” had grown too much hair,
A young barber, quite brave,
Offered Yeti a shave,
But backed off when he heard him yell, “Ne’er!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHORTAGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

There’s a shortage that threatens the gains
That we’ve made against SARS viral strains.
With the number of hacks
Spewing stuff anti-vax,
What we lack most acutely is brains.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tim James, Bob Turvey, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Brian Allgar, and Steven Frakt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHORTAGES LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman:

He bragged, “You will note when I’m bare,
My member’s enormous and rare.”
I searched high and low,
With continual woe,
And was finally forced to ask, “Where?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sondra Landin:

On the subway, it’s Watch Out, Beware!
At the airport, it’s Welcome, Take Care!
On the street, speeding bikes,
Falling metal, small tykes;
Am I safe, sitting home in my chair?

Tim James:

Try our new paper casual wear!
It’s quite cheap and has no need for care.
When your clothing you doff,
You can rip it right off.
The name of the line: Wear and Tear.

Bob Turvey:

Said a doctor, “If patients are bare,
Baggy pants are the best thing to wear.
A member that’s turgid
Is in folds of serge hid;
Which avoids that embarrassing glare.”

Mark Totterdell:

A fur coat is a thing to forswear,
It’s a garment you never should wear,
So get out of that habit
Unless you’re a rabbit,
Fox, beaver, wolf, squirrel or bear.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had DNA tested for kicks,
So my “roots” I might firmly affix.
To a lab I sent hair
From a sweater I wear.
The results that came back? “Poodle mix.”

Terry Marter:

On Valentine’s Day, – not a care!
Love’s journey will end who-knows-where.
How the years quickly pass!
But we still raise a glass,
Then we both fall asleep in our chair.

Lisi Nortman:

Inscribed on the Smith’s welcome mat:
“Our puppy is truly a brat.
So guests, please beware
And enter with care.
While you’re at it, watch out for the cat.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHORTAGES-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

With the shortage of loo-rolls complete,
Many folks can no longer excrete.
But, thankfully, I
Have a massive supply –
With a picture of Trump on each sheet.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I’ve yet to spot one man for me
Because it’s important that he
Has a house and a job,
And must not be a slob.
For those assets, I’d have to find three.

Steve Frakt:

Oh where are those wonderful elves
To help when we can’t help ourselves?
Wish they’d go to the store
And wait ’til there’s more
Toilet paper, on now empty shelves.

Bob Turvey:

Said a sex-mad young fellow called Benny,
“There’s no shortage of girls – there are many.
They have beautiful thighs
And “come-hither” eyes –
But the fact is – I AIN’T GETTING ANY!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (487)

Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When his “urges” became more resurgent,
Certain pleas to his wife grew more urgent:
“Now that I’m growing old,
I will need to get bold…”
So she bought him a box of detergent.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INJURY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The hitch-hiker’s feeling quite glum,
And he thinks that it may have been dumb –
Stuck his hand out too fast
As a lorry shot past.
Now he’s waving goodbye to his thumb.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Bob Turvey, Byron Miller, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Doug Harris, Wildman, Steve Benko, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Friedman, Daisy Hyrkas, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BOLD or BOWLED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INJURY-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

A critic, – audacious and bold,
Said my rhymes were all corny and old.
He is now on the floor
With my large Volume Four, –
There’s some blood, and his body’s quite cold.

Mark Totterdell:

To eat a blue cheese, truth be told,
Is an action both risky and bold.
It could lead to your doom,
As that stuff you consume
Is old cow-juice all shot through with mold.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOLD or BOWLED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

I put on my jacket and strolled
Past the lawn where the lawn-bowlers bowled.
I won’t join their sport
Because life is too short
And I’m not yet sufficiently old.

Kirk Miller:

The magazine’s concept was bold.
Origami designs would be sold.
But subscribers were few,
So the publisher knew
After only one issue, they’d fold.

Tim James:

A publisher’s wife had grown cold
And turned into a bit of a scold.
Did he push back? No way.
It’s a pity to say
That only his typeface is bold.

Roger Haugen:

Said the ram to his pal, “I’ve been told
There’s a flock of hot girls in that fold;
Why screw just one ewe?
I’m up for a few–
No time to be sheepish, but bold!”

Bob Turvey:

No – they can’t replace heroes of old,
Like Fleming. So clever. So bold.
It must have been thrillin’
To find penicillin –
After making him God broke the mould.

Terry Marter:

I dreamt that my lims had all sold,
For their wit and their style oh so bold.
Then awoke minus smile
As my eyes caught the pile, –
All withered and gathering mould.

Byron Miller:

I can’t count all the games that I’ve bowled
In these shoes now all moldy and holed.
But, a buyer I’ll catch
If I glue on a patch;
Time to get them resoled and resold.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lady Longhorn, one hundred years old,
Breathed her last as her lover took hold.
He, not noticing this,
Said, when planting a kiss,
“Why so cold, if I may be so bold?”

Tim James:

The gal was especially bold.
Of my hands she had taken firm hold
And pressed both to her breast.
I then made a request:
“May I take a brief rest?” (God I’m old.)

Lisi Nortman:

I have frightening feelings of dread.
And unsettling thoughts in my head.
What’s more, I am old.
But today I was bold.
And actually got out of bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INJURY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

I am secretly pleased that the limb
That I injured today at the gym
Needs a rest, cause truth told,
I’m decrepit and old
And this spandex look’s getting quite grim.

Doug Harris:

There’s many a tendon I’ve nursed
And how often I’ve landed head-first.
But likely dismissed
From the injury list –
A bruised ego is prob’ly the worst!

Terry Marter:

He was proud to be known far and wide
For the lions that lived by his side.
One day (on their whim)
He was torn limb from limb,
But none of it injured his pride.

Wildman:

In my Oculus world of illusion
I selected the game called ‘Confusion.’
Oh, I scored pretty well
Till I spun and then fell;
A new level achieved, called ‘Contusion.’

Steve Benko:

“Are you injured? Hire me, and we’ll sue!”
Said the billboard in red, white, and blue.
“The American way
Is to make someone pay;
You’ll get rich, and your lawyer will, too!”

Dave Johnson:

A porn film director named Rob
Was known for the insults he’d lob.
One time, way back when,
He kept yelling at Ken
For limping along on the job.

Roger Haugen:

The mugger cried out: “No more, please!”
As he cowered in pain on his knees;
He was soft in the head,
Or maybe brain-dead,
To think he could injure Louise.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Gore
Whose nuts got shot off in the war.
He said, “Have no fears,
I’m married 10 years
So don’t really need ’em no more.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

I’ve chopped up my wrists with a knife,
But still I am clinging to life.
I’m clutching the note
That I angrily wrote,
Placing all of the blame on my wife.

Rudy Landesman:

Oh meter! Oh meter! Oh meter!
You’re sloppy. You stumble. You teeter
All over the place
And fall flat on your face.
You MUST mind your feet to be neater.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (486)

Saturday, January 8th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Stravinsky, “My schedule is tight;
My publishers called me last night
To commission a song
About righting a wrong,
But I’m too busy writing a Rite.”

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special SHOTS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Novak Djokovic, agile and tall,
Plays great shots with a racket and ball,
But there’s one kind of shot
That he still hasn’t got,
Because Novak’s had no vax at all.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Fred Bortz, Sharon Neeman, David Hodges, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIGHT or WRITE or RITE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHOTS-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Elmer Fudd sang in Shanghai one night —
Karaoked (his last civil right.)
Took one shot at a song
With “If wuvving you’s wong,
Then (it’s twue) I don’t want to be wight.”

Sue Dulley:

We’ve had our three shots; it’s all right
To meet now and then for a bite.
And if anyone asks,
Say we all wore our masks
While devouring our dinner tonight.

Tony Holmes:

If you’ve might on your side, you are right,
And you can, with impunity, smite.
You are calling the shots.
You can crush the have-nots,
But you dare not sleep tight every night

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIGHT or WRITE or RITE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Bob Turvey:

If you suffer from cramps in the night
A banana will soon put you right.
“I’ve tried it,” said Jane,
Many times – but in vain.”
Said her friend, “If you eat it, it might.”

Jean McEwen:

It had seemed to be love at first sight;
I had finally found Mr. Right!!
Then those fresh bloody stains
And those human remains
In his trunk gave me pause; I took flight.

Lisi Nortman:

My foot fell asleep on the flight,
Yet the rest of my body felt right.
Then at the hotel,
I slept very well,
But my foot stayed awake through the night.

Terry Marter:

Half asleep; half awake, half the night:
Half a Lim’rick that STILL don’t look right.
Time to rise for a brew, –
Slice of toast, perhaps two.
Add a bowl of “Just Right?” I just might!

Dave Johnson:

Jen’s husband was trying to write
A poem he hoped would ignite
Her passionate side.
But as hard as he tried,
His assonance failed to excite.

Tim James:

A randy young gal named Costello
Hooked up with a like-minded fellow.
He lied that he’d write
When he left her that night.
When it comes to commitment, he’s yellow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An obstructionist ended the night,
When he got the last word in a fight.
“I’m agreeing,” said he,
To say we disagree.
But that won’t make me any less right.”

Roger Haugen:

A new era was born at the site
Of mankind’s first motorized flight;
Ahead of all others,
These two small-town brothers
Showed the world what it meant to be (W)right.

Kirk Miller:

At the funeral, minister Dwight
Was real nervous and feeling uptight.
’Twas the first one where he
Had to speak, so you see
He worked hard so he’d write the right rite.

Steve Benko:

When on pot, you’re as high as a kite;
It isn’t the best time to write.
You think you’re inspired,
But Mad says, “You’re fired!
Your work on my page is a blight!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

After pounding nine shots of sloe gin
I took note of her come-hither grin.
So we went to her place.
But oh God, the disgrace!
I was wholly unable to sin.

Brian Allgar:

The photographer’s English was lean;
The police soon arrived on the scene.
His mistake was to state
To the guard on the gate
“I have come to take shots at your Queen.”

Fred Bortz:

It’s too bad that the guy had to die
From drinking too much of that rye.
Alas, what a shame,
But the rules of the game
Were a shot for each Trumpian lie.

Sharon Neeman:

There’s a faction that’s riddled with twits
Who have far more polemic than wits:
“Don’t get jabbed!” they all cry
As folks sicken and die —
So they’re both anti-shots and pro shits.

David Hodges:

In German, “mein Schatz” means “my treasure” –
A sweetheart beyond any measure.
An American miss
May take umbrage at this;
Being called “Shots” will bring her no pleasure!

Lisi Nortman:

The last time I went to my shrink,
He said, “Gertrude, you need to rethink!
“You MUST get that shot!”
But then I did not,
When I found out it wasn’t a drink.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (484)

Saturday, December 11th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A rude nude in a mood, lewd and crude,
Stalked a dude who she thought should be wooed.
But the dude, who’s a prude,
Did not want to be screwed,
Or (for that matter) stalked, so he sued.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CRIME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Though we’re poor, let’s get married,” said Nate.
“We’ll pinch pennies and save. Let’s not wait!”
Then he boosted her car,
Though he didn’t get far.
Now he’s doing a nickel upstate.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Michael Moulton, David Friedman, Rudy Landesman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Your advances, good Sir, are too crude.
Now, pray do not think me a prude,
But you’ll be out of luck
If you say “Babe, let’s fuck!” –
I prefer to be tastefully wooed.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once a turkey snood’s viewed, prob’ly you’d
Then allude to the fact it looks crude.
But the hot-to-trot hen
On the prowl for fowl men,
Would say, “Tom’s the right dude for my brood.”

Mark Totterdell:

I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh fuck!

Roger Haugen:

Said the hooker, “You think that it’s lewd,
To spend so much time getting screwed?
For me, to be chaste
Would be a big waste–
Just look at the cash I’ve accrued.”

Kirk Miller:

A biologist tried to feed streusel
To a panda; was met with refusal.
The bear spurned the food
’Cause the offer was crude.
He found pandas are hard to bamboozle.

Bob Turvey:

A hungry young child in a cot
Used to pick at its nose quite a lot.
Said its mother, “How crude.
D’you think that stuff’s food?”
“I know,” said the child, “That it’s not.”

Dave Johnson:

Her method’s unfailingly shrewd;
She will say something naughty and crude.
That’s how it begins,
As seductiveness wins.
When lewd sets the mood, then you’re screwed.

Tim James:

In the oil patch she’s done ev’ry dude,
And with many base traits she’s imbued.
Other gals there are kind,
Thoughtful, smart, and refined,
But not her. She’s called “West Texas Crude.”

Brian Allgar:

“That skylark is raucous and crude,”
Complained Shelley. “It’s ruined my mood,
So I’ll trap and de-plume it,
And then I’ll consume it –
But should it be roasted, or stewed?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Over years, through my tears, I’ve accrued
Female vocals in great plenitude.
So at Christmas (it’s silly)
I always play Billie
To get into the Holiday mood.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CRIME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

I said “Let’s rob a bank” to my gang.
They replied “Are you MAD!? We could hang.”
They were quite right of course,
All we had was a horse
And toy gun with a flag that said BANG!

Lisi Nortman:

The burglars barged in; they were tough.
Their voices were scary and gruff.
They used filthy expressions.
And stole my possessions…
Then replaced them with up-to-date stuff.

Dave Johnson:

A wrecking ball known as The Donald
Demolished the party of Ronald.
It happened each time
He committed a crime;
Then had his impeachment McConnelled.

Mike Moulton:

A kid with an AR-15
And a loaded hi-cap magazine,
Said, “Who doesn’t bring
A gun to a thing,
Where a protestor might well be mean?”

Lisi Nortman:

We drove through the border with speed.
Then the guard yelled, “You must not proceed!
“Any firearms, knives,
That could harm people’s lives?”
We answered, “How much do you need?”

David Friedman:

Venus could see the Feds nearing
The moment she dropped her damn earring.
In her racquet it nested,
So she was arrested;
The crime was, of course, racketeering.

Rudy Landesman:

When Paris abducted fair Helen,
The Greeks, to a man, all were yellin’:
“That’s a crime in our book!”
But they all failed to look;
’Twas love that those foolish kids fell in.

Mark Totterdell:

It’s no wonder I acted quite stroppily
When accused of a life led improperly.
Yes, there’s truth in the tale
That I spent time in jail,
But it was in a game of Monopoly.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

As a cop, my old man is no honey;
He’s so righteous, it’s not even funny.
I’ll throw pants in the wash
Without checking for dosh,
And he’ll bust me for laundering money.

Dave Johnson:

He wanted to set up a tryst
With one who had barely been kissed.
The meeting was set;
And that’s how he met
A vice cop he couldn’t resist.

Rudy Landesman:

It’s a mystery! Still makes me brood.
Tell me who murdered young Edwin Drood.
’Cause as the plot thickens,
The author, Charles Dickens,
Just went off and died. That was rude.

Jean McEwen:

When you purchase a gun for your son
And he then offs his schoolmates for fun,
Please do not act surprised
When you’re roundly despised
And find out you’ve got nowhere to run.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At a Mystery Night meet-and-greet,
Where we “crime-solvers” eat and compete,
For being the winner,
I got a free dinner.
The real mystery, though, was the meat.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (482)

Saturday, November 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A musically gifted Italian
Was a farmer who won a medallion
For a novel technique
Of marketing leek,
Which earned him the title “rapscallion.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special COMPLAINT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A couple were bitchin’ and moanin’
That airplanes they’d recently flown in
Had rest rooms so cramped
That they thoroughly damped
Expectations of aerial bonin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Diane Groothuis, Bob Turvey, Dane Paulsen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Christine Frier, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, David Friedman, Mark Totterdell, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LEAK or LEEK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COMPLAINT LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

My toilet continues to leak,
And the neighbours complain of the reek.
But the plumber can’t come,
He has broken his thumb,
So we’re calling our bathroom “Shit Creek.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAK or LEEK”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Roger Haugen:

A camper on break took a leak
In an outhouse made wholly of teak;
He finished his whizz–
“What a nice place this is!”
And stayed there the rest of the week.

Diane Groothuis:

A woman whose taste was unique,
Collected all objects antique.
While in Paris she got
A crystal piss pot,
So she now takes a leak in Lalique.

Bob Turvey:

A woman who fancied a Greek,
Stole into his garden last week.
He said, “I can see
You are taking a pea.”
And she said, “No. I’m taking a leek.”

Dane Paulsen:

My mustache is wide and quite thick,
So the corners aren’t easy to lick.
When it’s freezing and bleak
And my nose starts to leak,
My stache-cycles hang past my dick.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s true, I can’t swallow a leek;
It could stay in my mouth for a week.
This practice is fine
When in private I dine,
But in public, it takes too much cheek.

Brian Allgar:

Our cat ate my goldfish, the sneak!
But I fooled the damned pussy this week.
She caught one again,
Took one bite, yowled with pain –
I’d bought a glass fish by Lalique.

Lisi Nortman:

For vichyssoise, here’s my technique:
Potatoes, of course, at their peak.
Chicken broth and some cream,
Then imagine a stream
To remember you must add a leek.

Brian Allgar:

I was making some bubble-and-squeak,
When my wife said “I wish you would speak
In a less vulgar way!”
I had happened to say
“There’s no cabbage – I’ll just take a leek.”

Terry Marter:

As the planet gets hotter each summer,
Pollies spew CO2 and seem dumber.
It’s the bullshit they speak,
While they silently leak
More methane. We’re doomed!– What a bummer!

Mark Totterdell:

Cock-a-Leekie’s no cause for submission
To the care of a trusted clinician.
It’s a soup that’s unique,
Made from chicken and leek,
Not an older man’s penile condition.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Upon testing the broth, Chef cried, “Eek!
Who among you has made my soup reek?!”
When the whole stinking mess
Then got spilled to the press,
Although pressed, none confessed to the leek.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COMPLAINTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

A concupiscent woman named Trask
Took her clueless young boyfriend to task:
“You don’t know very much
About where you should touch.
If you need some directions, just ask!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When a guy likes to argue and wrangle
Over topics too vague to untangle,
If he claims his mystique
Stems from being oblique,
You can bet he’s a guy with an angle.

Dave Johnson:

She said to the manager, Shane:
“I am not really one to complain,
But your wait-staffer spilled
As my wine glass was filled;
And gave me the look of this stain.”

Christine Frier:

To get an appointment, it’s weeks?
My body has creaks, and it squeaks.
The complaint that’s the worst,
I should have said first.
That e-ver-y orifice leaks!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A stoic was hit by a train,
Then dragged through the rain by a chain,
Limbs askew, black and blue,
He was asked “How are you?”
His simple reply: “Can’t complain.”

Rudy Landesman:

My beagle named Bagel won’t fetch.
She’s just a cantankerous wretch.
All day in the park
She’ll sit there and bark.
Oy vey! Where’d that bitch learn to kvetch?

Lisi Nortman:

Thanksgiving is coming; it’s wise
To avoid all those real yummy pies.
If you don’t, you will whine,
“Though the sweets were divine,
They seem to have fused with my thighs.”

Terry Marter:

“I’m a man of few words: You’re a HON!
Let’s have sex now – I want you – a ton!”
After one moment’s pause
She said “My place or yours?”
He said “Quibbling!? – Forget it! – I’m Done!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Trick or Treat” at our neighborhood coven
Is the day for their annual love-in.
But one hitch makes me bitch —
It’s that witch with the glitch
Always itching to light up the oven.

Tony Holmes:

“I am loath to complain…, but here goes:
I object to you picking your nose.
Avoid contact with snout
When you’re peeling a sprout,
And the same holds for picking your toes.”

David Friedman:

A sad married couple from Sonnet
Sought couns’ling to do work upon it:
“I know,” the man said,
“Her complaint is in bed,
But I can’t put my finger quite on it.”

Terry Marter, for his “Philosophical Physics Test”

An imagin’ry eel’s dropped in batter:
Find displacement and calculate spatter.
Don’t ‘Ethics’ appeal.
This eel isn’t real;
It will writhe and will reel, – but won’t “matter.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The complaint is an art and a science,
A lackluster form of defiance.
So go find your victim,
Deliver your dictum,
Then pester him into compliance.

Rudy Landesman:

I’d booked an exotic vacation
At a gay S&M destination.
But damn! What a bummer!
They shut down last summer.
Gotta settle for self-flagellation.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (481)

Saturday, October 30th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick and its unusually clever use of homonyms:

Willie the Wharf is in tiers.
He’s been dammed for the rest of his years.
No longer a dock,
He’ll be kept under lock
By a jury of all of his piers.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special LIMB-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said Adam, “Lord, be a good egg
And give me a woman, I beg.”
God replied, “I can try,
But the price will be high –
She will cost you an arm and a leg.”

“Well, I don’t need some posh memsahib,
And she mustn’t support Women’s Lib.
But I just can’t afford
To lose two limbs, dear Lord,
So what could I get for a rib?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Sondra Landin, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, Doug Harris, Mark Totterdell, Sally Rosoff, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DOCK or DOC”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

While looking for ducks off my dock,
You’ll see turtles, both real ones and mock,
And not too much later
You may see a ’gator!
I promise, this isn’t a croc.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An annoyed, anti-Freud kind of Doc,
Said my Oedipus Complex was schlock.
“You’ll never get happy
By marrying Pappy.
This fixation is pure poppycock!”

Terry Marter:

You stand to be judged in my dock
For indecently flashing your cock.
While I’m not a condoner
Of pervs with a boner
I DO like the style of your frock.

Sondra Landin:

An imposing fine figure, my doc;
He is thorough and caring – my rock.
When those five words I hear –
“Come see me next year,”
I think “Whew, not yet time to take stock!”

Bob Turvey:

“Hydrocephalus,” said an old Dane,
“Is a head full of water and pain.
To drain it, a doc
Transplanted my cock.
But now I have sex on the brain.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lost my laptop, my job — I’m in hock.
Even Hightail, my dog, took a walk.
My canoe’s in the slough,
And my paycheck’s gone, too.
Now I haven’t one thing left to dock.

Sue Dulley:

I cooked some chow mein in my wok
Using two kinds of choy – pak and bok –
And some fungi I found
In the woods on the ground,
Now I’m dying to talk to my doc.

Tim James:

They won’t listen to Fauci the doc;
COVID science they cluelessly mock.
Get the jab? Wear a mask?
That’s just too much to ask!
What they’re full of they spew by the crock.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a clown to his shrink, “I’ve a block,
And sound fuddier each time I talk.”
Urged the psych with a poke,
“So then let’s hear a joke.”
“Okay!” Cried the comic, “Doc Doc…”

Brian Allgar:

I had opened a vintage Medoc;
My first glass was a terrible shock.
My precious old red
Was a fraud, for instead,
It was nothing but watery hock!

Steve Benko:

“The Titanic is leaving the dock;
To believe it could sink is a crock,”
Said the captain. A clue,
Though, alarmed the whole crew,
For the man had a hole in his sock.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIMB-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Doug Harris:

I tripped on a simple tent peg:
Broke ankle and wrist, now I beg
For your limberick vote
For this punchline I wrote –
Coz it’s cost me an arm and a leg!

Tim James:

Want a lim about limbs? Here you are:
She has legs like a hot movie star,
Firmly muscled and tanned.
Oh, I bet they’d feel grand
Wrapped around me (no luck there so far.)

Mark Totterdell:

I had to return my pet starfish,
It was truly a well below par fish.
It had met with some harm
And had only one arm
Out of five, which is not even halfish.

Sally Rosoff:

He bragged about skill unsurpassed,
As a climber – we watched, all aghast.
The mistake made by him?
Going out on a limb.
Now he’s walking around in a cast.

Rudy Landesman:

The defendant walked out of the court
With a laugh and a sneer and a snort.
As he had predicted,
He was not convicted.
The long arm of the law was too short.

Jean McEwen:

I prefer that not all the world see
Every limb of my family tree
Because not too far out
You’ll find many a lout.
(In fact, one is my dad – first degree.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder, for her “The First Garden?”

In a tree, as serene as a chapel,
As the sun on its leaves paints a dapple,
A lone man on a limb
Hears a girl call to him —
“Hey, Stupid-head, bring me an apple!”

Terry Marter:

His new Guillotine’s gone to his head,
Cost an arm and a leg (so he said.)
He expected a slice
To be cut off the price.
Now he’s still very much in the red.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dad was shot. Lost his legs. Had the blues.
But he smiled when he read last week’s news:
“Here at ‘Wooden Leg Mart’
Come today, if you’re smart.
Buy the legs, and we’ll throw in the shoes.”

Diane Groothuis:

When her boyfriend got down on one knee,
It sure was a fine sight to see.
He looked up at the sky
And then told her why:
“In my sock there’s a troublesome flea.”

Dave Johnson:

They said she went out on a limb;
Predicted her chances were slim.
Since “they” were all males,
This is one of those tales
With a “her” outperforming a “him.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (480)

Saturday, October 16th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

White priv’lege has gone to my head:
I eat mayo on white bread in bed.
I’m renowned for my wealth
And enjoy vibrant health;
What’s my secret, you ask? I’m white-bred.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special SELF-CONTROL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The sensation is driving me mad!
What a feeling, – so good yet so bad.
It’s coming on strong,
Can’t hold it for long.
Oh Yes – YES! It’s the best sneeze I’ve had.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Gennadiy Gurariy, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Terry Marter, Bob Turvey, Roger Haugen, Jesse Levy, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BREAD/BRED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SELF-CONTROL LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Since they tell me I’m quite overfed,
I’m determined to diet,” he said.
“Though I’ll still eat by tons
Greasy burgers and buns,
I shall make myself give up stale bread.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The carbs that are lurking in bread
Admittedly fill me with dread.
I once tried to veto
The strictures of keto,
But ended up breaking the bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BREAD or BRED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

That gal is well read and well bred.
She’d never (she said) be caught dead
With a book that was porn.
She dismissed those with scorn.
She’d watch X-rated movies instead.

Kirk Miller:

Our baker’s a man of renown
Who’s awarded the bread-making crown.
All the judges have said
That his prize-winning bread
Is superb. It’s the toast of the town.

Tim James:

Said the scion, so suave and well-bred,
To his lady: “It’s time that we wed.
I’ll be needing a mare
To provide me an heir.”
So she did what she had to. She fled.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the bakery, Crumb Bros & Sons,
Female bakers were treated like nuns.
“All the brothers,” gals said,
“When they’re testing our bread,
Make a habit of squeezing our buns.”

Lisi Nortman:

I used to call Johnny a “sleaze”
Cuz he constantly begged for “Trapeze.”
Since I’m very well-bred,
One night in our bed,
I agreed cuz he fin’ly said, “please.”

Ken Gosse:

My parents both look like each other.
Their parents were sister and brother.
My kids were inbred
In my own sibling’s bed,
Like we learned from our father and mother.

Brian Allgar:

“Beware of that woman!” they said
To the baker who hoped to be wed.
“She just happens to know
That you’re rolling in dough –
She’s a gold-digger, after your bread.”

Terry Marter

The seagulls all perched on the shed,
Set for dive-bombing many a head.
Then Jonathan said
“See that woman in red?
Don’t crap on her; she’s got the bread.”

Bob Turvey:

There was a young lady named Flo,
Whose boyfriend said, “Women can’t throw.”
So she threw at his head,
A loaf of stale bread;
But she missed and she fractured her toe.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

This appeal from my doctor sufficed
To reveal his advice over-priced:
“Cut down on your bread.”
That’s all that he said.
And I had to explain, “It comes sliced.”

Tim James:

She employed him to help her make bread,
But his nature she badly misread.
She found out that the oaf
Would consistently loaf.
“I’ve no knead for this goof-off,” she said.

Roger Haugen:

“My family’s extremely well-bred,”
He smirked with a toss of his head;
When a DNA test
Put that fiction to rest,
He keeled over in shock and fell dead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SELF-CONTROL-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Gennadiy Gurariy:

If life is indeed like a box
Full of chocolate, it ought to have locks,
Or I know what I’ll get:
Upset stomach, regret,
Chocolate stains and intestinal blocks.

Tony Holmes:

Those who advocate strict self-control
Are a miserable lot, on the whole.
Not for them the delights
Of those drink sodden nights,
Or the head hanging over the bowl.

Lisi Nortman:

I wanted to be so much thinner,
My plan? It sure wasn’t a winner:
For breakfast and lunch,
A salad to munch.
Then loss of control for my dinner.

Jesse Levy

I really can’t stop my loud crying
Because of my profligate buying.
It sure isn’t funny
’Cause I’m out of money…
But at least I own all I’ve been eyeing.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Said my sneaky, (yet lovable) spouse:
“I’ve ordered just one pretty blouse.”
“Oh really?” said I.
“Then please tell me why
Eve’ry day there’s a box in the house.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If shooting yourself is your goal,
Then before you get ready to roll,
As you suck your cheeks in,
Also cover your chin.
It’s called practicing selfie control.

Dave Johnson:

He thought that they should, though she wouldn’t;
Her feeling was “could, but we shouldn’t.”
Their evening spent,
She began to relent;
And told him they would…then he couldn’t.

Steve Benko:

Said the priest, “You must use self-control;
In the Church, that’s how altar boys roll.
Keep a stiff upper lip
While my pants I unzip;
Three Hail Mary’s will then save your soul.”

Rudy Landesman:

When I was a boy wearing nickers,
My favorite candy was “Snickers.”
I still get the jones
Right down to my bones.
I control them imbibing sweet liquors.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Joan was raised to be pure, without taint,
And was praised for demure self-restraint.
So she took it quite hard
When she found out Bernard,
Their old dog, was the family Saint.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (478)

Saturday, September 18th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Went out for a bike ride today;
Some fairly steep hills on the way.
Now it hurts when I walk;
If my muscles could talk,
They’d tell me that climb doesn’t pay.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Special REPAIRS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’ve promised to fix the veneer, dear;
I’ve told you I would loud and clear, dear.
Do try to be kinder
And skip the reminder
You give me in August each year, dear.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Your mechanic did not fix my heat!
It still doesn’t work! What deceit!
He’s surely to blame.
What the hell is his name?
All I know is this guy’s got 2 feet”.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, you’re not the first person to whine
About Gregor’s Repair Shop on Vine.
I’ve had work done by Greg —
Cost an arm and a leg!
In fact, one of those feet may be mine.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REPAIRS LIMERICKS)

Rudy Landesman:

From your dreams of true love you’ve awoken,
And your poor tender heart has been broken.
Confucius would say:
“Just throw it away.
I don’t know what the hell you’ve been smokin’.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

What’s a tuffet? Seems no one can say,
Though Miss Muffet besat one that day.
Also, what is a curd?
That’s a gross-sounding word.
Would YOU ever eat one? No whey!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

In a warehouse near Richmond, VA,
Is a statue of Lee, stored away.
So huge is its torso —
The head even more so —
Is there room for those big feet of clay?

Bob Turvey:

There was a young lady named Mona —
So pretty that you’d want to clone her.
Said da Vinci, “I’m gay.
You attract me? No way.”
She smiled at the size of his boner.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

A cruise is a grand way to float.
You can travel to places remote.
But you’ll sure feel dismay
When it’s over; you’ll weigh
The very same weight as the boat.

Dave Johnson:

Paul Simon, way back in the day,
Recorded “Slip Slidin’ Away.”
Perhaps that refrain
Was the key to explain
Why Garfunkel never would stay.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A guy whom she’d snubbed ev’ry day,
Was finally prompted to say,
“So would it be better
To write you a letter?”
“Oh yes,” she said, “Far and away.”

Mark Totterdell:

In a rage at the freedom forbidd’n’er,
I released from her cage the echidna,
And I took her away,
And I just wouldn’t say
To her keepers just where I had hidd’n’er.

Brian Allgar:

Said Abbott: “I’m happy to say
That abortion is banned from today.
A son or a daughter
Aborted? Report her!
Ten thousand’s the bounty we’ll pay.

We’ve made it illegal to slay
The unborn – no exceptions, okay?
Life is sacred, we’ve sworn …
But once they are born,
Protect them from Covid? No way!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (REPAIRS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My car fell apart when I floored it.
That estimate! Couldn’t afford it.
Oh, man! Did I groan!
Promptly took out my phone.
But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it

Terry Marter:

She transformed it, – the gown of her dreams
Reconstructed in white, beige and creams.
I shouldn’t disparage
But like her first marriage
It’s falling apart at the seams.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve this habit so fixed, I can’t nix it:
Something breaks, so I buy parts to fix it.
I remake and re-break it
Until I must take it
Away. Then I pay to deep-six it.

Jean McEwen:

I am trying to snake out the shit
From my toilet, but get but a bit
To go down. Must I plunge
To expunge all the grunge?
(I’m no plumber, I’ll have to admit.)

Bob Turvey:

There was a young chappie called Mike
Who went out for a ride on his bike.
At the thirty-mile juncture
KER-BLAM – what a puncture!
(Repair kit at home – what a hike!)

Lisi Nortman:

Broke my mirror, it fell to the floor.
Couldn’t fix it, I screamed and I swore.
7 years of Bad Luck!
That surely did suck.
But my lawyer reduced it to four.

Dave Johnson:

The sound engineer has been bragging
’Bout all of the women he’s “bagging”.
Extolling his kicks,
He now has to fix
Distortion from band members gagging.

Steve Benko:

“So limp? Lie right down, this I’ll fix,”
Said the hooker. “I know some good tricks.”
And ’twas all systems go
In the hands of a pro;
His old willy had not crossed the Styx.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (477)

Saturday, September 4th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In my town our archaic saloon,
Holds a “game night” on ev’ry full moon.
We make pool cues from bones,
And play Scrabble with stones.
You should see it — complete rack and rune.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special MEMORY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Forgetting stuff isn’t a game;
It can lead to great sorrow and shame.
Here’s a story of woe
From a fellow I know:
In the sack he called out the wrong name.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Janice Canerdy, Konrad Schwoerke, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOON or LUNE or BALLOON or SALOON”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I have a fun toy that’s unmatched.
’Twas the last one in stock that I snatched!
It’s a novel balloon
That plays a Bach tune.
It was free and had no strings attached.

Paul Haebig:

He wanted to make the girls swoon,
So he thought he’d transcribe “Claire de Lune.”
What he’d meant as romantic,
Just sounded pedantic.
It’s not a good tune for bassoon!

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA crowd started to swoon
The moment they cranked up his tune.
A raucous event,
In his thrall they were sent
By the sight of the slithery loon.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a parakeet once to a loon,
“It’s a hoot that you wail at the moon.
But if you were like me,
Always caged, never free,
You’d be singing a whole diff’rent tune.”

Bob Turvey:

I drive what Brits call a saloon
So fast it makes young ladies swoon.
[Now, saloon can mean beer –
So let’s make it quite clear –
If you drink and then drive you’re a loon.]

Lisi Nortman:

Folks, here is the sad situation
(A dilemma that faces the nation):
If you want a balloon,
Better be a tycoon.
The price is high due to inflation.

Janice Canerdy:

A young wife who was prone to misspell,
Wrote a note for her hubby, pell-mell:
“I’ll be at the saloon
The entire afternoon.”
He was steamed, but her hair got styled well.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I suggested that we only spoon,
But she countered, “Let’s fork and damned soon!”
I thought great till I felt
Stabbing tines as I knelt—
I just barely escaped Claire the Loon.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEMORY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Absent-mindedness sometimes is hellish;
Drawing blanks isn’t something I relish.
Long-term mem’ries, however,
Confirm that I’m clever —
They’re the ones I’ve had time to embellish.

Tony Holmes:

“I remember the war – ’forty-two.
It was lunchtime – we had Irish stew.
I had two cups of tea –
Corporal Evans had three –
But for breakfast today? Not a clue.”

Terry Marter:

Had an Alzheimer’s meeting today,
Or was it last Tuesday, – or May?
Whatever they said
Must have entered my head,
But it didn’t remember to stay.

Dave Johnson:

Lorena – a name that reflects
The moment her rage cleared the decks.
Time’s passage may cure,
But there’s one thing for sure:
She’ll never re-member her ex.

Brian Allgar:

“Well, Doctor, the reason I came …”
He began. “… Lemme think … What a shame!
I was going to say
That I’ve lost … but today,
I’ve completely forgotten the name.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If my mem’ry gets strained, I don’t sweat it.
Should it lapse on a workout, I let it.
When it heads for the shower,
And asks, “Why the glower?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” I say, “just forget it.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (476)

Saturday, August 21st, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A moll stole a stole; it’s a wrap,
Which she sold to a girl with a chap.
But the chap was a mole,
And the wrap the moll stole
Was set by the mole as a trap.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special MOOD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“When I’m angry I know what to do,”
Said Donald, “to stop feeling blue.
I gather some friends
And some porn stars (all 10’s),
And together we stage a nice coup.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s rap,
That mindless, unmusical pap.
The name would be better
With one extra letter;
It should be referred to as ‘crap.’

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sondra Landin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WRAP/RAP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO MOOD-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sondra Landin:

Will she be in the mood for a wrap,
At that place with the good brew on tap?
No, she’ll spout with a sneer,
“I never touch beer,
And I don’t eat that crap – not a scrap!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WRAP/RAP”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a beat and a stomp and a clap,
“We Will Rock You” went wild in a snap.
Although what’s it all mean,
If God can’t save the Queen,
Who created Bohemian Rhap?

Bob Turvey:

When a well-dressed and handsome young chap,
On the privy door gave a sharp rap,
It opened, and Jane
Said, “God, you again.
Can’t a girl have some peace for a nap?”

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA brigade has a chap
Who’s busy producing a cap.
It’s silver, not red,
That’s adorning each head…
With Reynolds providing the Wrap.

Lisi Nortman:

“I am too old to get into rap.
I don’t care, cause that hip-hop is crap.
Used to party and drink.
At the girls, I would wink.
But right now “Happy Hour’s” a nap.”

Tim James:

She was wearing a nice dress and wrap
When her man went and set off a scrap:
“An ensemble like that
Makes your butt look less fat!”
Now he’s learned to shut firmly his yap.

Steve Benko:

I’m Notorious Steve, here’s my rap:
I love strippers who dance in my lap.
I entice ’em with verse,
And my poems are terse;
Just five lines, then I grab, and they slap.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Poe would clap o’er his ears a wool cap,
When his nerd of a bird spoiled his nap.
“In my haven, old raven,
You crave misbehavin’,
But jeez,” he cried, “PLEASE! No more rap!”

Terry Marter:

A detective with questions to ask,
Said “Do NOT interfere with my task.
You’ve been caught, cut the crap.
You’ll be taking the rap
For robbing a bank with no mask.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MOOD-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Doug Harris:

“Hey my darling, are you in the mood?
Testosterone fully imbued?”
“Yes I am!,” my reply…
“How I love D-I-Y,
The best way for a man to get screwed!”

Tim James:

There once was a lawyer named Rudy
Whose cash flow was making him moody.
“Lord Trump, it’s no joke;
Pay my fees or I’m broke!”
The reply: “Stick those bills up your booty!”

Terry Marter:

Now sometimes, when I’m in the mood
I do life-drawing class (I’m no prude).
But the model looks stressed
Fully dressed, – unimpressed
That I choose to paint HIM while I’m nude.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though my mood ring is now an antique,
I still wear it (my friends say it’s chic.)
That the color each day
Is primarily gray,
Simply means I’m approaching my pique.

Fred Bortz:

The farmer deserves to be booed.
His dairy production is crude.
His yogurt tastes funky.
His milk pours out chunky.
And his cattle sound off their bad mooed.

Terry Marter:

She had set up the room for her Tim;
Moody music, – romantic’ly dim.
Then got stoned in the nude,
Woke up with some dude
Who said “Tim couldn’t make it , – I’m Jim.”

Tony Holmes:

I’ve been tossed on the scrapheap of life.
Lost it all – favour, fortune, and wife.
But what brightens my mood,
Should depression intrude,
Is the thought that misfortune is rife.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When egged on to be snotty or mean,
A good mood helps me keep my nose clean.
Left with egg on my face,
Is a tacky disgrace,
But less messy than venting my spleen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (474)

Saturday, July 24th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a Tail-Rhyme and a Vanity-Themed limerick:

Though he thought he had style and urbanity,
Hugh’s bid for success was all vanity.
With broad flippers and tail
And wet whiskers, he’d fail.
How I wept for the fate of Hugh Manatee!

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special VANITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny “Soprano Vanity” limerick:

Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C.”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run of a “me me me me.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Bob Slapcoff, John Davison, Sjaan VandenBroeder, David Friedman, Bob Turvey, Sondra Landin, Terry Marter, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Benko, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VANITY LIMERICKS)

Bob Slapcoff:

A peacock parading his tail,
Or a gaudily carapaced snail;
I’ll emulate these
With bravado and ease,
As soon as I get out of jail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

The Lone Ranger (so goes a tall tale)
Saw some Natives and let out a wail:
“They’re all hostile! We’re dead!”
Tonto grinned as he said:
“What’s this ‘we,’ you with face that is pale?”

John Davison:

Whilst out for a walk with my snail
We dined on fresh cabbage and kale,
But when the rain fell
He just hid in his shell,
Thus precluding a riveting tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One tale of a tail might entail,
A PI with some guy to surveil;
Add a shade of film noir
To a steamy boudoir,
Plus a dame for Mike Hammer to nail.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love, joy, and peace…
If you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And several golden egg geese.

Bob Turvey:

Said a languid young freshman at Yale,
“Target shooting – what does that entail?”
Said a Prof., “Well now son,
You are given a gun,
If you kill anyone – that’s a fail.”

Sondra Landin:

Plot ideas come pelting like hail;
I try to corral them — and fail.
I rail and I wail
To no great avail;
Just can’t seem to finish my tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ev’ry night Mack, the Manx, starts to wail
A long saga of loss and travail.
Then the end is cut short,
And he stops with a snort.
Seems that Mack has lost track of his tale.

Tim James:

Said a drunk who was headed to jail:
“Hey! Her Honor’s a nice piece of tail!”
It’s a shame that she heard
Ev’ry odious word;
Now he’s looking at REALLY high bail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VANITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

He reflects at the pool where he’s lying.
He’s in love with himself (can’t stop sighing) —
The youthful Narcissus
With no loving Missus
To prevent him from tragic’ly dying.

Tony Holmes:

Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As they don’t show the truth but remind
Of those days sans chagrin –
You had only one chin –
And your features were taut and unlined.

Lisi Nortman:

“I’m not showy in any which way.
And I never put on a display.
But ev’ry one tries
To spread nasty lies,
Cuz I’m much more alluring than they.”

Tim James:

A Captain whose name is James Kirk
Is an egomaniacal jerk.
He’s God’s gift to the dames.
Still, the sexual games
That he tries indisputably work.

Terry Marter:

She was vain, sexy, slinky and sleek.
On her “look” she spent almost a week.
Then she dated a lout
Who did not beat about
The proverbial bush (so to speak.)

Tim James:

If to beauty I want to be nearer,
The path couldn’t be any clearer.
I’m under its spell
(You can probably tell)
When I gaze, quite bewitched, in the mirror.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
’Tween steak and some peas,
His reflection he sees
In that BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!

Steve Benko:

With my talent, square jaw, and strong chin,
It is I who these contests should win.
Once MadKane takes a look,
Every other poor schnook
Who submits will become a has-been.

Rudy Landesman:

My need to make love was perennial.
But now as I reach my centennial,
I will not complain.
I can’t be that vain.
I’m glad that it still is biennial.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If a woman with beauty that’s lush
Likes to tally the hearts she can crush,
When it seems there’s a trace
Of chagrin on her face,
It’s her makeup providing the blush.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (472)

Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.

But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special TIMING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s always just after I ‘send,’
That I think of a far better end.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and penned.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick:

She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.

As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.

His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TIMING LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

To the waiter I made this request:
“On my chicken dish, please make it breast.”
Said the server (named Dale)
“All our chickens are male;
We have thigh, wing or drumstick, or chest.”

Terry Marter:

They played crap at the disco last night.
The DJ was high as a kite.
“Do we have a request?”
I said “Give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.

Lisi Nortman:

The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”

Kirk Miller:

When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.

Sondra Landin:

My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
’Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).

Tony Holmes:

There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms. Took;
Wields an iron, can cook,
And another, Ms. Vamp, for the rest.

Diane Groothuis:

A youngish gal made a request
To Cupid to give it a rest:
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me,
And your arrows have damaged my breast”

Jean McEwen:

When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
’Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TIMING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”

Steve Benko:

In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.

Dave Johnson:

His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.

Roger Haugen:

What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.

Tim James:

I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.

Terry Marter:

When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing,
While trying to waltz in 5/4!

Mark Totterdell:

His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.

Rudy Landesman:

There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her.

Bob Turvey:

1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.

Lisi Nortman:

A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (470)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”

Tim James:

D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.

Rudy Landesman:

I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.

Tim James:

With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?

Mark Totterdell:

When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.

Bob Turvey:

To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”

Tim James:

They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)

P Diane Schneider:

The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”

David Friedman:

There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”

Terry Marter:

Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (466)

Saturday, March 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Population stats brought up to date,
Were one misanthrope’s happiest state.
His old heart filled with joy,
And he hollered, “Oh boy!
Nearly eight billion people to hate!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Co-Worker-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Dave Johnson:

Those folks on the 21st floor
Decided to even the score.
Their break room was bare;
Chairs and tables not there.
Now our bathroom stalls – nary a door.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, David Friedman, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STATE/ESTATE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CO-WORKER LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Our office assistant was great;
She came from a northeastern state.
She’d talk about “caahs,”
Her favorite “baahs,”
And that baseball team Yankee fans hate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STATE or ESTATE” RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The Covid’s been spreading by stealth
And severely affecting our health.
We all can relate
That the health of our state
Is affecting the state of our wealth.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, who notes that pursuant to a 1949 New Jersey statute, it’s illegal to pump your own gas:

I’m a lady from Jersey with class.
I drink wine from a Waterford glass.
I own an estate,
Which of course is first-rate,
And I don’t have to pump my own gas.

Tony Holmes:

“Fare thee well, cruel world. Life’s too tough.
I am beaten. Enough is enough.
I bequeath my estate
To my dog. Let my fate
Be a warning – No! Wait! It’s a bluff!”

Bob Turvey:

Let’s consider the blood-sucking tick.
When gorged it is half an inch thick.
If squeezed in this state
By yourself, or a mate,
It explodes. It’s a great party trick.

Tim James:

“Legal reefer? The prospects aren’t great,”
Said my neighbor, who just couldn’t wait.
Wanting things to improve,
He decided to move.
Now he lives in a mellower state.

Terry Marter:

My beautiful country estate
I bequeath to my very best mate,
Plus some CCTV,
So at times he can see
All my relatives camped by the gate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CO-WORKER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

My assistant is clumsy and fat.
Today on my laptop he sat,
Knocked over my cup
And would not wipe it up…
It’s lucky for him he’s a cat.

Ken Gosse:

Deep silence fell over the crowd
When the boss started thinking aloud.
Phones came to a stop—
You could hear a pin drop—
For his mind was as blank as a shroud.

Lisi Nortman offers “Advice For The New Co-Worker:”

“I’d like you to be my good friend,
So there’s something you must comprehend:
To do well at this place,
Pose that “hard-working” face
And remember the key word “PRETEND.”

David Friedman:

In these days of Covidian doom
There’s a silver edge lining the gloom:
The folks we’re employing
Are far less annoying
When miles away on a Zoom.

Tim James:

Our salesmen are miserable guys.
All their revenue numbers are lies.
They imbibe to excess.
And promiscuous? Yes.
But there’s worse: they steal office supplies.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Oh, please get me out of this room.
My co-worker’s fully in bloom.
I cough and I sneeze
And I’m never at ease.
So I call her “Miss Too Much Perfume.”

Gail White:

Whenever my office-mates gather
At break-time for coffee and blather,
I add my two cents
Which are brief but intense,
And do I get bored with it? Rather!

Rudy Landesman, who calls it “The Mikado Redux.”

We’re three little maidens, are we.
Three street workers, out for a fee.
Without long delays
Sir Sullivan pays,
But Gilbert, he gets it for free.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young chemist called Bess
Who, to her co-workers’ distress,
Farted CO2, N,
CH4, H, and then
Finished off with some pure H2S.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (464)

Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tim James:

How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!

Rudy Landesman:

My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)

John Edwards:

There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?

Sondra Landin:

My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”

Thomas Vincent:

Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.

Tim James:

A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.

David Friedman:

The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.

Tim James:

Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.

Dave Johnson:

He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.

Bob Turvey:

Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.

Jean McEwen:

The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!

Bob Turvey:

Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)

Tony Holmes:

Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”

David Friedman:

The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.

Dave Johnson:

When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (463)

Saturday, February 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The plumber piped up, speaking plain,
“All this crap here has blocked up your main.”
So I paid him to break
Up the clog with his snake.
But the thing fell asleep in the drain.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special BILLS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

At the zoo, all the rents steeply rose;
Now each beast strains to pay what it owes.
Ev’ry gator and croc
Had to go into hock,
And the elephants paid through the nose.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Sondra Landin, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, and Paul Haebig. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MAIN or MANE or MAINE or DOMAIN-RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If your horse looks too drab and too plain,
Wax its saddle and stirrups and rein.
You can brush its tail too,
But whatever you do
Don’t forget to remember the mane.

Sondra Landin:

I knew a nice farm girl in Maine
Who was seeking a swain, but in vain.
She would grumble and mumble
While swiping on Bumble:
“On-line dating is barren terrain!”

Tim James:

The company’s problem was plain:
How to make a loss look like a gain?
So the numbers were cooked
And the “profits” were booked.
’Twas a nice feat of ledgerdemain.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

At “Old Biddy Hill” here on Main,
The senior folk groan and complain.
And year after year,
I repeatedly hear:
“Just who in the hell stole my cane?”

Sue Dulley:

Allan Sherman wrote home to complain
Camp was hard to endure in the rain,
But much worse for Joe Spivey
Who caught poison ivy,
And Skinner, who’s sick with ptomaine.

Bob Turvey:

An out-of-doors dancer from Maine
Once had a rough time in the rain.
A bad skid in the dance
Left a knot in his pants
And his poor penis purple with pain.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BILLS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Tubman’s face on a twenty, that pill?”
Whines Donald, splenetic and shrill.
“It shoulda been me!”
And I almost agree –
Put his face on a three-dollar bill.

Tim James:

My proctologist hasn’t much class:
After treatments, he lets no time pass
Before sending his bill.
(Of compassion there’s nil.)
The guy’s just a pain in the ass.

Jean McEwen:

Watching bills (much like sausage) get made
May be all that it takes to persuade
Folks to roundly reject
The dumb pols they elect
And then send them right back to first grade.

Sue Dulley:

A Bill is by no means unique:
It’s a name, or a debt to pay (eek!)
Or it could be a law;
On a bird it’s the jaw
But for that there’s a better word: Beak.

Lisi Nortman:

The hooker I meet gives me thrills.
She knows all those cool naughty skills.
“Wifey” found my receipt
And screamed, “You’re a cheat!”
So now I pay Lulu in bills.

Rudy Landesman:

A person from Beverly Hills
Had frequently altered his wills.
His heirs were bereft,
For nothing was left:
The lawyers had padded their bills.

Paul Haebig:

I’ve heard of unusual wills
But nothing to top my friend Jill’s:
The language provides
For limousine rides
For her pug, and to pay all his bills!

Thomas Vincent:

A football fanatic named Stills
Who got caught with his hand in the tills
Said, “Judge, let me go
Cause I need all this dough
To pay off my Buffalo Bills.”

Brian Allgar:

“This creature is weirdly designed,
Like a beaver and otter combined,
With a bill like a duck,”
Darwin said. “WTF?
God must have been out of His mind!”

Tim James:

Mr. Dunn chases folks on the run;
At his job he is second to none.
He collects unpaid bills,
And it gives him great thrills.
Dunn has fun till he’s done with the dun.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (459)

Saturday, December 19th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Those in line surreptitiously groan,
“He’s been in there all day with his phone.”
But they’d rather implode
Than the King discommode,
So they won’t push him off of the throne.

Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special MARKET-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My trip to the market was fruitless,
Also vegetable-, stem-, stalk-, and root-less.
They have nothing I need,
But it’s still guaranteed
When I’m done with my shopping I’m loot-less.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MODE/MOWED/COMMODE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

My dad had a very large load
Of bad jokes, which he loved (and it showed.)
“How’d that brave frontier guy,
Davy Crockett, like pie?”
The right answer, of course: “Alamo’d.”

Tony Holmes:

Mister Keats wrote an ode to an urn,
Which is why I will try, in my turn,
To compose you an ode
To my treasured commode.
I’m no Keats, I am sure you’ll discern.

Terry Marter:

We had an old leaky commode
Where the pipes had begun to corrode.
One day, when Mum flushed,
It all bust, and out gushed
The full contents, – a fine Mother-load.

Craig Dykstra:

On the beach, in her thong, she bestowed⁣
Treats to onlookers – everything showed!⁣
But now back home in Philly⁣
Her short skirts are chilly –⁣
She’s regretting her “Pie à la Mowed.”

Tim James:

She’s in furious spring-cleaning mode;
Her superfluous stuff she’ll unload.
Ancient clothing, CDs,
Old computers, TVs,
And her boyfriend sit out by the road.

Doug Harris:

With fashion-sense I’ve been bestowed.
(A picture should shortly upload.)
My barber’s main style
Is ‘farm rank & file.’
He says it’s all quite à-la-mowed!

Sharon Neeman:

Since I learned my cat knows the word “vet,”
I say “market” to baffle the pet —
But this morning, I erred
And employed the right word,
And we’re both now extremely upset:

Kitty leaped into daredevil mode!
All the way down the counter she strode,
Then flew up to the freezer!
She’s STILL there. Can’t seize her.
I mustn’t forget to use code.

Fred Bortz:

Marie Antoinette wrote an ode
To the people on whose backs she rode.
But she made a mistake
Saying, “Let them eat cake!”
When it should have been pie a la mode.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MARKET LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

An Invisible Hand’s said to be
Guiding markets, as long as they’re free.
Well, I’ve seen it. It mocks
Ev’ry one of my stocks.
Guess which finger it’s raising at me.

Brian Allgar:

“That’s a great deal on eBay,” I mused.
“Thirty toilet rolls – can’t be refused!”
But today, what I got ….
Well, I’d failed to spot
The description “Condition is: USED.”

Sharon Neeman:

I need food! How to get to the market?
By car? I’ll have no place to park it.
By bus? I’m too lazy —
Me? Bike?? Are you crazy???
I guess I’ll stay hungry… oh, fark it.

Terry Marter:

At the auction, my earlier tea
Found my bladder just bursting to pee;
Raised my hand for a pause
To attend to my cause.
Oops – too late – I now own a Dalí.

Bob Turvey:

Said our marketing man, “A sensation!
Our dildoes have thrilled the whole nation.
Why in South Delaware
We’ve the whole market share;
We’ve a hundred percent penetration.”

Lisi Nortman:

I went shopping today on a spree!
For breakfast, I only had tea!
I was starving; went wild,
Like an uncontrolled child.
I’m the proud owner now of aisle three.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Four piggies to market were taken.
(The fifth was too smart to awaken.)
One went all to pieces
And faked enuresis.
The rest had to bring home the bacon.

Tim James:

At the market — it’s more like a zoo —
There are crowds, but the face masks are few.
So much saleable stuff!
But it isn’t enough
’Cause these people still can’t buy a clue.

Tony Holmes:

Gladys fancied a farmer she’d met
At the market. Her only regret
Was that much of his food
Was, in shape, very rude,
And she’d blush like a seasoned coquette.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (452)

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A dude tried to show he had brass
When he mounted a burro. Alas!
He displayed ev’ry sign
That he’d had too much wine.
He fell down. He was drunk off his ass.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special DRIVING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Just keep driving like one of the crazies
In a movie of Martin Scorsese’s.
Excess speeding and drinking?
Bad business, I’m thinking.
Next parking spot? Under the daisies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Paul Haebig, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WINE/WHINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A hiccup if muted is fine,
A belch you don’t hear is benign,
But let’s speak the truth,
A fart’s like vermouth–
An odorous, fortified whine.

Brian Allgar:

A warning to drinkers: red wine
Could blacken your toenails, like mine.
A whole case of Bordeaux
Got dropped on my toe!
(It was Chateau Margaux ’89.)

Jean McEwen:

Snobbish oenophiles tend to malign
Two Buck Chuck as inferior wine.
But I must disagree
’Cause it’s cheap, and to me
It’s as good as the ones they call “fine.”

Lisi Nortman:

My life has been working out fine.
My job is just simply divine.
The boss is real nice;
Always gives good advice.
It’s eight hours a day, nine to wine.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Are mere worker ants creatures divine?
Here’s one antic observed that’s a sign:
Back and forth they will traipse
Over vines to haul grapes
So both soldiers and queens can have wine.

Paul Haebig:

The tourist in Frankfurt am Main
said “Neun” when he should have said “Nein.”
So a half hour later
The puzzled young waiter
Returned with nine bottles of wine.

Tony Holmes:

“What to pair? That’s the beauty of wine;
An adventure whenever you dine.
I found hotdogs today,
So I thought, ‘Beaujolais!’”
“Hic! I’d rather have claret with mine.”

Bob Turvey:

When Policewoman Smith came to town,
To arrest handsome barrister Brown,
He took her to dine;
He plied her with wine;
Then he finally laid the law down.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

She used her sat-nav every day;
Each instruction she’d blindly obey.
But her drive was ill-fated;
The map was outdated –
The bridge had been taken away.

Tim James:

My son does one-ten on the flats.
He runs red lights and stop signs. His stats:
Seven tickets, two wrecks.
It’s had major effects:
Care to guess where he’s driving me? Bats.

Lisi Nortman says:

The Ferrari is driven with force.
It’s a car that most experts endorse.
Yet sometimes I ponder
The “great wild blue yonder”
And wonder what’s wrong with a horse.

Dave Johnson:

Our hazardous mission today
Might be a good reason to pray.
We’ll struggle and strive
With the will to survive
That freeway that runs through L.A.

Suzanne Heymann:

When some guy in a fast Lamborghini
Flirts with gals when they wear a bikini
And their eyes see the prize,
He just compensates (tries)
For the little wee size of his weenie.

Steve Benko:

Said Miss Daisy, “Let’s go somewhere, Hoke;
Take the wheel, for with me, we would croak.
When we get to the woods,
You’ll deliver the goods;
In the back come and give me a poke.”

Tim James:

From the back, as the dad drives the car,
Comes the whine: “Are we there yet? How far?”
Little Lisa screams: “See?
Tommy’s LOOKING AT ME!”
Says the mom: “Can we stop at that bar?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!