Archive for May, 2012

Limerick Ode to “I Love My Dentist Day”

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

Brace yourself! I Love My Dentist Day is coming on June 2nd:

Limerick Ode to “I Love My Dentist Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It seems “I Love My Dentist Day’s” here
On June 2, but I simply can’t cheer.
Toothless days like that bite!
I can take no delight
In a guy who spurs fear with his gear.

(You might also enjoy my Dental Deal and my Biting Limerick.)

UPDATE: Happy National Toothache Day! (celebrated yearly on February 9th) And happy Dentists Day! (celebrated yearly on March 6th)

Wedded Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, May 27th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was planning to wed…*

or

A woman was planning to wed…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Wedded Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was planning to wed
A gal rather awful in bed.
When he gave her a sex book,
Her answer was textbook.
So he married the author instead.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (63)

Sunday, May 27th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Robert Schechter who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A virgin who tried to persuade
His friend that last night he’d been laid
Answered this when his chum
Asked him, “Well, did she come?”:
“Of course she did! What’s more, she stayed!”

Congratulations to Jason Talbott who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow who tried to persuade
Me to guess at how much his wife weighed
Didn’t mention that she
Was right there behind me.
I got smacked. Guessed too high, I’m afraid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jim Delaney, Mary Rosenthal Mansfield a/k/a Write Wing Conspiracy, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Craig Dykstra, Scott Crowder, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jim Delaney:

A fellow once tried to persuade
His wife that his train was delayed,
But his place on the map
(From his GPS app)
Gave the lie to his shabby charade.

Mary Mansfield:

A fellow had tried to persuade
His girlfriend to let him get laid,
But his kinky sex game
She found totally lame,
Now his ecstasy must be hand-made.

Phyllis Sterling Smith, a/k/a Granny Smith:

A woman who tried to persuade
Bill collectors that bills had been paid
Sailed off on a cruise
Where they found out her ruse
So de-shipped her and left her to wade.

Craig Dykstra:

The drill sergeant tried to persuade
His young private that haste should be made.
“I don’t mean to shout,
But I need to point out
That’s the pin you threw, not the grenade!”

Scott Crowder:

A fellow who tried to persuade
His wife to lie back while he played,
Like a pirate and plunder,
Her treasures down under,
Was stopped by a Navel blockade.

Bruce Niedt:

Two fellows once tried to persuade
Their dates they were both macho-grade.
But the gals looked and sniggered
‘Cos they had them figgered –
One swaggered, the other sashayed.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To National Escargot Day

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

Today may be National Escargot Day, but I’m still NOT eating them. I don’t care HOW much garlic and wine you slip in:

Limerick Ode To National Escargot Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are foods I won’t touch on a bet.
They may well be quite tasty, and yet—
Creepy dishes like snails—
I would rather chew nails.
Escargot’s a no-go. Sorry. Nyet!

(You can find more of my food humor here.)

Limerick Ode To National Wine Day (May 25)

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012

Are you all ready to celebrate National Wine Day?

Limerick Ode To National Wine Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s Wine Day on May twenty-five.
Don’t go guzzling your beer in some dive.
Sip a rich cabernet,
Pinot, aligoté,
But mull this: when you drink, do not drive.

(You can find more of my wine and food humor here.)

Unpersuasive Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Saturday, May 19th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman who tried to persuade…*

or

A fellow who tried to persuade…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Unpersuasive Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman who tried to persuade
A banker to come to her aid
Got no help with a loan—
Not so much as a bone.
No bucks for her horse bus’ness. Nayed!

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (62)

Saturday, May 19th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gal in an overpriced store
Got stopped as she walked out the door.
“What alerted you, sir?”
“Well, you’re wearing a fur,
And it’s 98 out, if not more.”

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The Prez bought an overpriced store
Of supplies for the Middle East war.
The dealers were sharks,
The bombs missed their marks,
And the Congress declared, “Buy some more!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Elizabeth Civinskas a/k/a Mrs.Smeej, Johanna Richmond, Bruce Niedt, Veralynne Bosko Pepper, Daniel Ari, and Colleen Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Elizabeth Civinskas:

A gal in an overpriced store
Said, shocked to the depths of her core:
“With prices so high
“There should be a guy
“To carry me in from the door.”

Johanna Richmond:

A man in an overpriced store
Embarrassed his wife to the core:
While the one percent stared,
Indiscreetly he aired,
“JC Penney’s got dresses galore!”

Bruce Niedt:

A gal in an overpriced store
Found herself a nice Christian Dior,
But they thought her a lout,
And said, kicking her out,
“You pronounce it cou-TURE, not cou-TOR!”

Veralynne Bosko Pepper:

A gal in an overpriced store
Tried a dress on so tight that it tore.
Embarrassed to death
She started on meth,
And pounds! Well, she lost ‘em galore!

Daniel Ari:

A man in an overpriced store
Said, “Show me some more, I implore.
This past Mother’s Day
I forgot. Now I’ll pay
Restitution by Christian Dior.”

Colleen Murphy:

A gal in an overpriced store
Somehow slipped on a spot on the floor.
Her lawyer she dialed;
A lawsuit he filed,
Which led to an overpriced score.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Donna Summer

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

To this day, Last Dance is one of my favorite songs to dance to. RIP Donna Summer!

Limerick Ode To Donna Summer
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Alas we have lost Donna Summer
And her beautiful voice. What a bummer!
She was Hot Stuff, the Queen
Of a musical scene,
Who’s Last Danced to her own disco drummer.

Some Humor For International Museum Day

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

May 18th is International Museum Day, a holiday founded by ICOM (International Council of Museums) in 1977. So I figured this was as good a time as any for me to post my How To Visit An Art Museum

HOW TO VISIT AN ART MUSEUM
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are many good reasons to visit an art museum. Impressing a date. Vying for a slot in the cultural elite. Some people actually go because they appreciate art. If you’re a novice art fan, this is how it’s done:

1. Your virgin museum visit should take place while you’re out of town. That way, your displays of ignorance will be witnessed only by strangers.

2. When you’re a safe distance from home, ask a concierge, cabby, or vagrant to suggest a show. It doesn’t matter whom you ask. At any given time, the entire population of any given city is racing to see some highly hyped, limited-engagement exhibit which is over tomorrow. This is the show everyone will recommend.

3. Arrive at the museum blissfully unaware that the show’s been sold out for months. Do so by car. In order to save time, drop your spouse off to buy tickets. Spend an hour touring the parking lot. Worry about what your mate will do to you when and if you ever see her again.

4. Coax your car into a quasi-legal spot. Sprint towards a distant building which presumably houses art. Remind yourself, once again, to join a gym.

5. Encounter an unruly mob of art aficionados awaiting admission. Hear rumors that the exhibit is sold out. Ascertain rumors are true. Curse out museum. Curse out vagrant. Wonder how you’ll ever locate diminutive spouse in horde of lanky art lovers. Wonder whether finding her is such a good idea.

6. Encounter a couple arguing about whether to leave. One mate insists this is no way to see art. (You’re inclined to agree.) The other gripes about the wasted admission cost. Save their marriage by purchasing tickets.

7. Wend your way through throngs in quest of spouse. Miraculously find her commiserating with sisterhood of women who lost mates to parking lot abyss. Proudly display tickets just as spouse proudly displays hers.

8. Talk about selling extra tickets. Argue that you should have checked with each other before buying tickets. Talk about selling all four tickets and abandoning art for a mall.

9. Notice that one pair of tickets is for one o’clock show and the other isn’t good until four. Decide that since it’s nearly one now, you’ll worry about unloading second set later.

10. Find out the museum is two hours behind schedule; you won’t make it beyond lobby before three. Ask yourselves, yet again, why exactly you came.

11. Wait on line. Learn it’s the wrong line. Fight way onto another line which will presumably get you into exhibit you no longer want to see.

12. Wait another half-hour in sweltering firetrap. Ask spouse to save your place on line while you contend with the coat-check. Dispose of jackets. Ask guard what kind of lunatic runs the museum.

13. Reclaim spot in front of spouse. Ignore belligerent patrons, badgering you to go to the end of the line.

14. Gain entry into crammed room that ostensibly holds priceless works of art. Strain neck in vain attempt to view paintings. Get a random glimpse of what may or may not be an Impressionistic work. Watch height-impaired spouse try to crawl her way to the front. Rescue her from enraged mob.

15. Overhear artsy noises about the exhibit. Comments like “Pointillism is a lot like connect the dots.” After an hour of this, gratefully spy an exit sign — the only mounted object in plain view.

16. Consider using the museum restrooms until you see the lines. Embark on parking lot trek, praying your car hasn’t been ticketed or towed.

When you return home, you’ll want to impress family and friends with your new found erudition. So don’t leave the museum without lots of literature. Then be sure to study the brochures and reviews intently … so you can describe every painting you failed to see.

An Acrostic Limerick Treat

Wednesday, May 16th, 2012

An Acrostic Limerick Treat
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Though desserts can be very enticing,
Remember — beware of the pricing:
Ended up with a bill
Awf’ly high — bitter pill.
Thanks heavens for chocolate icing!

(Writers Digest’s Poetic Asides prompts us to write a dessert-related poem.)

You can find more of my acrostic limericks here.

The Onset of an Acrostic Limerick

Tuesday, May 15th, 2012

The Onset of an Acrostic Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Oh my, don’t know where to begin —
Not a hint of a concept herein.
So where shall I start?
Eke out rhyme from my heart?
The trick is just write — in like Flynn.

(Inspired by onset over at Acrostic Only.)

You can find more of my acrostic limericks here.

Overpriced Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Saturday, May 12th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal in an overpriced store…*

or

A man in an overpriced store…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Overpriced Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal in an overpriced store,
Who’d completely forgotten what for,
Told the clerk, “Can’t recall
Why I came here at all.
Just as well. If I could, I’d be poor.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (61)

Saturday, May 12th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dyskstra who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Met a blonde in a bar with a tan;
As we danced, she purred “I’m Maryanne.”
But the bar’s in Key West
So the rest you’ll have guessed:
That my tan Maryanne was a man.

And further congratulations go to Craig Dykstra who also wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, but for a different limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My freckle-faced girl can’t get tan,
So she sits in the shade with a fan.
She finally learned
That she’d only get burned.
She’s a ginger, she’s not Mary Ann.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Elaine Spall, John Peter Larkin, Linda Fuller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Robert Schechter, and Patrick McKeon. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Elaine Spall:

A guy with a very deep tan
Caught his tie on a new celing fan.
Such a costly mistake:
‘Cause his colour was fake
He spray painted the walls as he span.

John Peter Larkin:

A guy with a very deep tan
Tried out to be Marlboro’s man.
But, because of his cough,
His name was crossed off,
And that was the end of his plan.

Linda Fuller:

A gal with a very deep tan
Ate nothing but oatmeal and bran.
She tie-died her clothing
And felt a strong loathing
For food that came out of a can.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A guy with a very dark tan
Had left his four wives in Iran.
To be very specific,
They’d been too prolific
And he couldn’t afford a big van.

Robert Schechter:

A gal with a very deep tan
Encountered a dirty old man,
So brash and obscene he
Asked, “‘Does your bikini
Hide bronze, or a lily white can?”

Patrick McKeon:

A gal with a very deep tan
Had a different last testament plan.
Since her skin just like leather
Would hold out all weather,
It was left to a tent making man.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Invention

Thursday, May 10th, 2012

DVerse Poets asks us to wax poetic about machine dreams:

Limerick Invention
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow invented an app
That fills a technology gap:
It gives you a pinch
If your boss starts to inch
Near your desk, while you’re taking a nap.

(You can find more of my technology humor here.)

UPDATE: February 28 is National Public Sleeping Day.

UPDATE 2: National Napping Day is the second Monday of March (the Monday after DST.)

Sleepless Limerick

Thursday, May 10th, 2012

At Think Tank Thursday (Poets United), we’re asked to write a news-related poem. Now since my other blog, Mad Kane’s Political Madness, is devoted to mocking politicians and other news-makers via limericks, I thought I’d try a different news angle here:

Sleepless Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman was trying to snooze,
But was kept wide awake by her muse.
Stubborn rhymes kept invading
Her brain and upbraiding
Her: “Rise and go mock some more news.”

Yet Another Limerick Ode To My Husband Mark Kane

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

Yet Another Limerick Ode To My Husband Mark Kane
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Oh, what have I done to my Mark:
Taught him limerick writing, and hark!
Now he’ll draft something new,
Then lug laptop to loo —
I can’t hide from his poetry arc.

(Note from Mad Kane: I’m really not making this up. On Sunday, Mark followed me into the bathroom, carrying his laptop. That’s how eager he was to show me his latest limerick.)

Sun-Tanned Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, May 6th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal with a very deep tan…*

or

A guy with a very deep tan…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Sun-Tanned Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal with a very deep tan
Was hoping to pick up a man.
But the guys got one look,
And that’s all that it took:
Wrinkled skin made her look like their gran.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

UPDATE: July 3rd is Stay Out Of The Sun Day.

Limerick of the Week (60)

Sunday, May 6th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Daniel Ari who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man had a notable knack
For catching fly balls in his crack.
Though poor with his hands,
He made many fans
In center field, facing the back.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

As your parents, we know of your knack
For strange fashion and cut you some slack.
But this has to stop.
You’ve gone over the top,
And your mom wants her underwear back.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Cara Holman, Jim Delaney, Johanna Richmond, Les a/k/a Colonialist, Kathy El-Assal, and Linda Fuller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Cara Holman:

A gal had a notable knack
For putting her back out of whack.
So she took up Tai Chi
And now she’s pain-free
And hears nary a crack from her back.

Jim Delaney:

A man had a notable knack
For making his knuckle-joints crack,
Till he popped (for more thrills)
Nitroglycerine pills.
You can tell where he lived: there’s a plaque.

Johanna Richmond:

Said the man with a notable knack
For keeping his marriage on track,
“I keep things legato
With one simple motto:
Divides can be licked in the sack.”

Les a/k/a Colonialist:

A gal had a notable knack
For earning her cash on her back,
But please do not panic –
She was a mechanic,
And it was not done in the sack.

Kathy El-Assal:

The Koch brothers have quite a knack
For taking America back
To a previous time
When to vote was a crime
If you were a woman or black.

Linda Fuller:

A gal had a notable knack
For drawing men’s eyes to her rack.
But when she desired
To be less admired
She just up and let ‘em go slack.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

The Buglers (Acrostic Limerick)

Saturday, May 5th, 2012

What’s even more fun than writing limericks? Writing acrostic limericks:

The Buglers (Acrostic Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bells up in the air, buglers blare,
Raising rackets most ears can not bear,
And amazing, but true,
Stopping right on their cue.
So their vision, at least, is still there.

(Posted at the DVerse music prompt.)

My Telemarketer Hang-up (Limerick)

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

My Telemarketer Hang-up (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My name’s on the “do not call” list,
But our phone rings non-stop, and I’m pissed.
“How’s my energy plan?”
Says a voice — not a man,
But a bot, energetic’ly dissed.