Wedded Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was planning to wed…*
or
A woman was planning to wed…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Wedded Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was planning to wed
A gal rather awful in bed.
When he gave her a sex book,
Her answer was textbook.
So he married the author instead.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Battle of the Sexes, Bawdy Humor, Books Humor, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Sex Humor, Textbook, Wedding Humor, Wedding Limerick, Writing Prompts
the yoga teacher was planning to wed
a bridegroom built like a thoroughbred
he wanted to dance
but she went into a trance
then did downward facing dog on his head
yoga teacher limerick
A fellow was planning to wed
A lass who was playing hard to get
Try as he might
All that he had
Excepting him the rest she grabbed
Hank
A woman intended to wed
A fellow whose first name was Fred.
Thank God she discovered
When Fred was uncovered
His genital parts had been shed!
A woman who wanted to wed
Found no satisfaction in bed.
“Until some man excites me,
I’m keeping my nights free.
I’ll live with my dildo instead.”
A fellow who recently wed
Discovered a man in his bed.
“Now, I could get my gun,
But it’s likely more fun
If I jump in and join them,” he said.
A woman was instructed to wed
By her father who wanted, ‘twas said,
To strengthen the strands
That bound neighbouring clans;
A prospect that filled her with dread.
A fellow was planning to wed
And dreamed the first night in his bed.
But it was all in vain,
As she had a migraine,
So he had a cold shower instead.
A sovereign was planning to wed
He’d done several times, it was said.
Each of his wives
Had had truncated lives
As they left him, minus their head.
A fellow was planning to wed
A lady, a true thoroughbred.
In the hay, in the stable,
She showed she was able
To be mounted and ridden and led.
A fellow was planning to wed
A gal a bit too well fed
When he took her to bed
It rumbled with dread
But she said honey the ring or you’re dead.
A gal was planning to wed
A guy who played golf instead
She went to the course
And without any remorse
Broke a five iron over his head.
This has got to be my favorite! That is hilarious!
A fellow was planing to wed
A little honey whose hair was red.
Much to his fright
On his wedding night
He discovered her real name was Fred.
A fellow was planning to wed
Until one day he fell out of bed.
He came to his senses
Hopped a few fences
And now live in the Med
A gal who was planning to wed
Told her mom, “Says he owns his own spread!”
Then, on their wedding night,
‘Fore he switched off the light
He unpacked, and threw it over the bed.
A fellow was planning to wed,
His girl friend who loved to bake bread,
And cookies and pies,
It showed in her thighs,
But at least he would always stay fed.
A gardener planning to wed
Rehearsed as he tended his bed
“And when I have got you
I’ll plant you and pot you
From seed I have kept in my shed.”
A subbie was planning to wed,
Her Master, she followed, he led
Her right down the Aisle,
On all fours, single file,
As he strode to the priest just ahead.
A fellow was planning to wed
A virgin, she’d not graced his bed.
But on that first night,
There was quite a fight,
So no screwing, instead she just fled.
A fellow was planning to wed,
His lady, a stunning redhead,
But on that first night,
He received quite a fright,
His Teresa was more of a Ted.
The day I was planning to wed
I heard all the vows that were read.
When the priest said “obey”
I said “Hold it, padre –
I believe, sir, that I’ve been misled.”
It has been prearranged who I’ll wed.
But my father said “Son, do not dread
For your bride looks, you’ll see
Like a star from TV!”
And she did, too … that star? Mister Ed.
A fellow was planning to wed
A lovely virgin t’was said
But before he I do’d
He found she’d been screwed
And cried “I’ve been terribly misled!”
A woman was planning to wed,
but hate for her kind is widespread.
Like the Pastor who fears,
all the “homos and queers,”
and would like to see all of them dead.
NC Pastor
A woman was planning to wed,
but her veil wouldn’t fit her big head.
Her adding more toole
made her look like a fool,
so she tiara-ed her noggin instead.
A woman was planning to wed
A handsome backwoodsman named Jed
But it was a bother:
They shared the same father;
She married her cousin instead.
A skater was planning to wed
A lady with whom he had sped
“I know that this ice
Is all very nice
But I hope that you’re warmer in bed”
A fellow came forth to be wed
By a judge before whom he had pled
So often that now,
When asked for his vow,
By habit “Not guilty!” he said.
A woman was planning to wed,
but just before ‘I do’ was said,
her period started,
she quickly departed,
and ran like a pure thoroughbred.
A fellow was planning to wed
An exceedingly stunning redhead
And he surely was stunned
When his ample trust fund
Was by her expeditiously bled.
I was thrilled on the day I was wed,
As my bride down the aisle was led.
I just can’t resist her,
And since she’s my sister,
We now can have breakfast inbred!
A fellow was planning to wed,
Although a bit embarrassed, he said!
“Margaret being her name,
My mother’s name is the same,
Will her pancakes be better in bed!”
A fellow was planning to wed
And the thought of it went to his head
Drunk with excitement, he
Was stiffened with frightment, see?
The date was cancelled–he was dead!
A woman was planning to wed,
At night she filled with dread,
“What if he can’t accept,
My house unkept!
And moves back to his mother instead!
A bachelorette, planning to wed,
Tripped on her dress, fell on her head.
“She’s not the same!” Groom lamented
“She’s crazy and downright demented!”
What a time they had staying in bed.
A fellow was planning to wed
But was sadly found naked in bed
With the mother of the bride,
Along for a ride,
So, for his own safety, he fled.
A lady was planning to wed
But bought a small puppy instead.
“It’s cuddly and sweet,
It’s very discrete,
And adores me, as long as he’s fed.
A fellow was planning to wed
Practiced for his time in the bed
By visiting scores
Of big-breasted whores.
But he never enjoyed it , he said.
A Tasmanian was planning to wed
His sister, the one with two heads.
His father said, “Jack,
She’s crap in the sack!”
So he married his mother instead.
A fellow wasn’t planning to wed
When he drew a sweet lass to his bed
But her father’s advice
Was clear and concise:
“Marry her, my boy, or you’re dead!”
Santa Claus wanted to wed
To have the “experience” in bed
” If you give me one chance
To learn how to dance
I’ll come down your chimney ” he said.
A fellow was planning to wed
the big monster under his bed.
He got such a fright
when it popped out one night.
“I thought you were just in my head!”
A woman was planning to wed
and visions of bliss filled her head.
But it all came to naught
when her lover was caught
with the wife he’d neglected to shed.
A fellow was planning to wed
An English girl, straight from Hampstead
“My darling, you see,
“You’re my world, A to Z!”
But she wanted a guy who said zed…
I was working on this and getting nowhere with it, when my husband arrived, and came up with this:
A fellow was planning to wed
A girl who was all in his head
He thought, “No big deal
if she is unreal,
At least she won’t nag me in bed.”
By Richard Schear
A gal was planning to wed
Thus in need of a marital bed
Flirting in the bed store
Realized her fiancé a bore
Eloped with salesman Turn-On Ted
A fellow was planning to wed
Consummation did truly he dread
His bride burned with fire so bright
He feared that he very well might
fail to get his faint-flicker-flame fed
A gal was planning to wed
Did not love but liked him instead
Until he gave her a look
That so smoldered and took
She rolled down the aisle in a bed
A gal was planning to wed
What’s wrong with a nice guy instead
“You know I’ve never been drawn
to the big or the brawn
“Besides, I love her mom” smiling she said.
A gal was planning to wed
Had no idea what she might do instead
Thought she’d make a career wife
Live a golden traveling life
Translated end over end in bed
A fellow was planning to wed
Asked “Why not Anna? Why this one instead?”
He told his mother
That for him there was no one other
And ran smiling to his waiting Fred
A fellow was planning to wed
The plain ill tempered Ellen O’Red
They all wondered why
Of this good looking guy
Ignorant of her excellent head
A Fellow was planning to wed
Or at least that’s what he’s often said
But words can grow old and dry
But she soon found out why
When he slipped and said I love you Ted
A fellow wasn’t planning to wed
When he had a liaison, in the shed.
But what altered his mind
Was a moment defined
By the shotgun, aimed at his head.
A footballer was planning to wed
Until the tabloids published a spread
Showing him surprised,
In a position, compromised
With a spaniel, who was giving him head.
A gambler was planning to wed
Providing his number came up red
When it came up black
He could not hit the sack
So he went and played pokies instead.
A fellow was planning to wed
a gal to keep him well fed.
But oops! Guess again
She only “cooks” ramen,
Each meal he now faces with dread.
A young lass was planning to wed
a boy who filled her parents with dread.
So they hatched a great plan
to be rid of the foul man:
They gave her a year at Club Med
A woman was planning to wed
the nephew of Clampett comma Jed
Jethro, her steed
a total hayseed
had cash money tucked in the bed
A lady was hoping to wed
her beau, whose nickname was “Bread”
He sometimes would stutter
unless she used butter
spread on him before she gave head
A woman was planning to wed
a sax man whose stage name was Ned
when sometimes a lick
would not do the trick
he’d work it out in the woodshed.
A woman had finally wed
her hockey man, Jean-Jacques Lantraid
She thought he was was manly
but worried when Stanley
(the Cup) came to share in their bed.
A fellow was planning to wed:
“Let’s see London,” she lovingly said.
But her honeymoon plans
Didn’t mention his glands
So he balked and went fishing instead.
A woman was planning to wed-i
a fellow who fancied himself Jed-i
he whipped out his light saber
and started to haver
something about a Millennium Falcon red-eye
A lady doc had just been wed
and she was quite filled with dread
this accomplished young surgeon
was still quite a virgin
and he had a huge scalpel in bed
A fella was about to wed
his fifth wife out at his homestead
although he was old
he thought it quite bold
she’d marry such an old retread
A librarian planning to wed
Was naturally very well read
When she had a book
She forgot about nook
And her boyfriend and all that he’d said
A woman was planning to wed
So placed an ad that really said
‘Seeking a good man
To father my own clan
Come ye, Ned, Ted or Jed!’
A woman was planning to wed
And bent upon planning ahead,
Bought herself a gown
All downy and brown
Seeing which, all the grooms fled!
A fellow was planning to wed
A girl who was rich an’ well-bred
But he found her so foolish
And often very mulish
So he married her best friend instead.
A fellow was planning to wed
In winter while riding a sled
But the bride was hirsute
Like an Alaskan malamute
Now she leads him on his bobsled!
A fellow just went and got wed
to a gal who had followed The Dead
She said that her moans
were to Casey Jones
but he thought it was Tennessee Jed.
A nonpartisan tandem:
Gay couples who plan to be wed
Have no right to, Mitt Romney has said—
From down on his knees,
The better to please
While giving the Koch brothers head.
Gay couples who plan to be wed
Have my blessing, the President said.
“The courage!” “What a saint!”
“A fascist he ain’t!”
… As his drones strike more innocents dead.
The Patience of the Homophone
A fellow was planning to wed …
“Did he dare,” Eager Ed asks, “to tred
Down the aisle, not malinger,
Put the ring on her finger?”
… I said he was planning to, Ed.
“With this ‘ring’ I thee happily wed
And will take thee forthwith to my bed—
This ‘ring,’ you can tell,
Is the opening bell,”
The fat cat to the senator said.
A woman was nervous to wed
A man with a nose cherry red.
Was it booze? Inflammation?
A freaky mutation?
Or should he be pulling a sled?
A Prince was planning to wed
A Beauty who was sleeping, not dead.
The result of a kiss
Was a lifetime of bliss,
Or that’s what the storybook said.
(to be continued…)
A woman was planning to wed
when her fiance suddenly said
‘I’ve been told you’re a cheater
by more than one tweeter, so
I’ll go to your funeral instead.’
(I tried) LOL
A young lass was hoping to wed
but couldn’t find room in her sched
“I feel like a dope
but we could elope
in between meetings with Ted!”
A female was planning to wed
A stick-like young male, it was said.
The hitch in her plan, ’tis
A fact both were Mantis;
She made a light snack of his head!
A woman was planning to wed
But also beginning to dread
Monogamous life
“One man and one wife?
Or alternate best men instead?”
a man who was planning to wed
figured he’d try out the bed
on it he laid
in eros, dismayed
thats what she said, when later they found him dead
ok so i jacked up the last line but…smiles.
A woman intended to wed
a woman. Conservatives said:
“No legal permission
for moral perdition!
We think they’d be better off dead.”
haha…your limerick cracked me up…LOVED it…
A fellow was planning to wed
A gal that was really well fed
and they ate chips and fish
everyday as a main dish
and soon they were both overweight..
ha ha ha ha- sooo funny….this had me LOLing…and i do’t think i should be saying LOL at my age…so good
You crack me up!
A fellow was planning to wed
a fish that he brought to his bed
said he to the she
“it was your gills I was trying to free”
and now you see, you soon will be dead”
A woman who was planning to wed
Her cat was deranged in the head
But Mr Cuddles revolted
At the altar he bolted
So she married the church mouse instead
Very very clever, Madeleine. I don’t have something now, but will think about it. K.
A woman was planning to wed
When she turned to her boyfriend and said,
“It just makes me simmer, Rick,
When a groom reads a Limerick,
Would you please do a Clerihew instead?”
A Mexican planning to wed
Could not afford a big spread
But I am a cool honcho
Lets make do with my poncho
And we’ll drink some tequilas in bed.
Hehehehe. I always love coming over to read all the entries even if when I can’t manage to come up with my own. So many good ones today. :)
The Royal Wedding
A Prince was planning to wed
A Beauty who was sleeping, not dead.
The result of a kiss
Was a lifetime of bliss,
Or that’s what the storybooks said.
.
but wait…
We’re told the kiss awoke the Beauty
In truth, the Prince’s breath was fruity.
The Princess awoke
Fearing she’d choke,
But she agreed to marry him, out of duty.
The wedding itself was a sight to behold,
The royal couple, beautiful and bold.
The footmen were mice
And, cheap at the price,
While the coach a pumpkin, made of gold.
At the wedding, the guests gave a whoop
And then photos were shot of the group
But once they were gone
The mice were moved on
And the gold pumpkin was turned into soup.
Time went by and life grew boring,
The Princess turned her hand to restoring
The castle and moat,
Giving them a coat
Of paint and then replacing the flooring.
But when it came to nature’s call,
The Princess had no love at all.
She ignored his petition
For some friendly coition
And insisted he sleep down the hall.
He finally realised what was ahead
(And it truly filled him with a dread)
When he awoke with fright
In the middle of the night
To find seven dwarfs asleep in his bed.
“My dear”, he said, “I think it creepy
(No, there’s no point getting weepy)
I do not like the way,
At the breaking of the day,
I wake up Grumpy, feeling Sleepy.”
The Princess accused him of being too mean
So she packed and fled the scene.
He can’s say he missed her,
For he married her sister,
Who was quite ugly but terribly keen.
That Prince who managed to wed
Married Rapunzel instead
At least to be fair dear
You let down your hair dear
I’m sorry if I hurt your head.
A man who was frantic to wed
His rogue nether parts to his head
Said, “My lord, must we jockey
For lead, Mister Cocky?
For god sake, lay low until bed!”
An acrobat planning to wed
Arrived at the Church on his head
T’was unusual how
He uttered his vow
And the bride turned a few shades of red.
A woman was planning to wed
but the thought filled her only with dread
so she called off the nups
bought two poodle pups
and became a dog breeder instead.
Two zebras, planning to wed
And keen to stay out of the red,
Thought, “For colour pics why pay,
When EVERYONE’S stripey?!”
And booked black and white ones instead.
A young man planning to wed
Had his underwear fitted with lead
And a modern Wifi phone
To contact his home
So the robot could turn down his bed.
Jill was planning to wed
A wonderful fellow named Ted
She would walk down the aisle
Wearing a huge smile
Until she became {Oh no!) Jill-ted.
Three chickens were planning to wed
A lusty young Rhode Island Red.
They’d be in his harem
But that didn’t scare ’em.
His charm? “Cock-adoodle,” they said.
A young man about to be wed
took a bullet in the head
His last-minute tryst
with his bride-to-be’s sist
Her dad said he oughta be dead
A woman who wanted to wed
With a boy who was boorishly bred,
Though frequently stung
By his unrefined tongue,
Said nothing could beat it in bed.
A young man about to be wed
like his young ladies corn-fed
I wouldn’t say she’s fat
but it’s been said that
she only says “Moo” in the bed!
Two Bedrock kids once were wed
and went promptly right into bed
A ‘yabba dabba doo’
right up her wazoo
that is how Pebbles was bred
Mister Romney will now try to wed
Mainstream views to extreme things he’s said,
But Ayn Randian mean
Is a bitch to scrub clean;
Aint no hosing that tea from his bed.
A fellow was planning to wed,
With an eye to his future in bed.
Then he thought with a grin,
Why not just live in sin?
So he made her his mistress instead.
Those zebras who actually wed
Had black and white sheets on the bed
Though she didn’t mind him
She just couldn’t find him
As he’d sneaked out sideways and fled.
A couple was due to be wed
at a Blackbeard Festival shed
but the twister then came
and noone could blame
them both as they got up and fled
Tornado Hits Hampton
Sobbed our zebra, now planning to UNwed,
“Should have heeded that horoscope I read!
‘Don’t marry a zebra
Whose star sign is Libra,
Better off with a Leo’, it said.”
;)
A Leo planning to wed
Was looking at Zebras instead
” Or perhaps for a laugh
I could try a giraffe
I just need to get to his head.”
Mr Hippo, planning to wed,
Went to purchase a new water bed;
“When a gal hippopotamus
Wiggles her bottom, it’s
Gotta be burst-proof!” he said.
A sex therapist planning to wed
Said I know all the things I have said
When it comes down to me
I only take 3
At a time in my very small bed.
While planning to rhyme words with wed
I noticed an interesting thread
As the week nears finality
we’ve found bestiality
Where next we shall go I may dread.
A fellow was planning to wed
His child sweetheart, he said.
Though she still loved him
She towered above him,
For now she was a he, instead.
A woman was planning to wed
In a gown of silk scarlet red.
It doesn’t seem right
For me to wear white
We’ve already gone through one bed.
A fellow was planning to wed
A mail order bride, he said.
She arrived by train
It became quite plain
Her photo was shopped; she had no street cred.
A woman was planning to wed
A dentist quite rich and well bred
On their wedding
She saw him at play
Grabbing asses of bridesmaids, who fled.
Thanks so much everyone! It’s been a great week of limericks!
This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 64.
But you can still have fun with limericks because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Shooting The Breeze With Limericks.
Ah, what a miss! But the limericks are so amusing and funny! Your blog is now one of my favorites.