Wedded Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was planning to wed…*


A woman was planning to wed…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Wedded Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was planning to wed
A gal rather awful in bed.
When he gave her a sex book,
Her answer was textbook.
So he married the author instead.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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103 Responses to “Wedded Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. zongrik says:

    the yoga teacher was planning to wed
    a bridegroom built like a thoroughbred
    he wanted to dance
    but she went into a trance
    then did downward facing dog on his head

    yoga teacher limerick

  2. kaykuala says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A lass who was playing hard to get
    Try as he might
    All that he had
    Excepting him the rest she grabbed


  3. A woman intended to wed
    A fellow whose first name was Fred.
    Thank God she discovered
    When Fred was uncovered
    His genital parts had been shed!

    A woman who wanted to wed
    Found no satisfaction in bed.
    “Until some man excites me,
    I’m keeping my nights free.
    I’ll live with my dildo instead.”

    A fellow who recently wed
    Discovered a man in his bed.
    “Now, I could get my gun,
    But it’s likely more fun
    If I jump in and join them,” he said.

  4. A woman was instructed to wed
    By her father who wanted, ‘twas said,
    To strengthen the strands
    That bound neighbouring clans;
    A prospect that filled her with dread.

    A fellow was planning to wed
    And dreamed the first night in his bed.
    But it was all in vain,
    As she had a migraine,
    So he had a cold shower instead.

    A sovereign was planning to wed
    He’d done several times, it was said.
    Each of his wives
    Had had truncated lives
    As they left him, minus their head.

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A lady, a true thoroughbred.
    In the hay, in the stable,
    She showed she was able
    To be mounted and ridden and led.

  5. John Sardo says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A gal a bit too well fed
    When he took her to bed
    It rumbled with dread
    But she said honey the ring or you’re dead.

  6. John Sardo says:

    A gal was planning to wed
    A guy who played golf instead
    She went to the course
    And without any remorse
    Broke a five iron over his head.

  7. Mama Zen says:

    This has got to be my favorite! That is hilarious!

  8. Hansi says:

    A fellow was planing to wed
    A little honey whose hair was red.
    Much to his fright
    On his wedding night
    He discovered her real name was Fred.

  9. Pat Hatt says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    Until one day he fell out of bed.
    He came to his senses
    Hopped a few fences
    And now live in the Med

  10. A gal who was planning to wed
    Told her mom, “Says he owns his own spread!”
    Then, on their wedding night,
    ‘Fore he switched off the light
    He unpacked, and threw it over the bed.

  11. Mark Kane says:

    A fellow was planning to wed,
    His girl friend who loved to bake bread,
    And cookies and pies,
    It showed in her thighs,
    But at least he would always stay fed.

  12. Diane Groothuis says:

    A gardener planning to wed
    Rehearsed as he tended his bed
    “And when I have got you
    I’ll plant you and pot you
    From seed I have kept in my shed.”

  13. Mark Kane says:

    A subbie was planning to wed,
    Her Master, she followed, he led
    Her right down the Aisle,
    On all fours, single file,
    As he strode to the priest just ahead.

  14. Mark Kane says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A virgin, she’d not graced his bed.
    But on that first night,
    There was quite a fight,
    So no screwing, instead she just fled.

  15. Mark Kane says:

    A fellow was planning to wed,
    His lady, a stunning redhead,
    But on that first night,
    He received quite a fright,
    His Teresa was more of a Ted.

  16. Craig says:

    The day I was planning to wed
    I heard all the vows that were read.
    When the priest said “obey”
    I said “Hold it, padre –
    I believe, sir, that I’ve been misled.”

  17. Craig says:

    It has been prearranged who I’ll wed.
    But my father said “Son, do not dread
    For your bride looks, you’ll see
    Like a star from TV!”
    And she did, too … that star? Mister Ed.

  18. All Hood says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A lovely virgin t’was said
    But before he I do’d
    He found she’d been screwed
    And cried “I’ve been terribly misled!”

  19. scott says:

    A woman was planning to wed,
    but hate for her kind is widespread.
    Like the Pastor who fears,
    all the “homos and queers,”
    and would like to see all of them dead.

    NC Pastor

  20. Poetesswug says:

    A woman was planning to wed,
    but her veil wouldn’t fit her big head.
    Her adding more toole
    made her look like a fool,
    so she tiara-ed her noggin instead.

  21. Linda Fuller says:

    A woman was planning to wed
    A handsome backwoodsman named Jed
    But it was a bother:
    They shared the same father;
    She married her cousin instead.

  22. Diane Groothuis says:

    A skater was planning to wed
    A lady with whom he had sped
    “I know that this ice
    Is all very nice
    But I hope that you’re warmer in bed”

  23. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A fellow came forth to be wed
    By a judge before whom he had pled
    So often that now,
    When asked for his vow,
    By habit “Not guilty!” he said.

  24. scott says:

    A woman was planning to wed,
    but just before ‘I do’ was said,
    her period started,
    she quickly departed,
    and ran like a pure thoroughbred.

  25. Linda Fuller says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    An exceedingly stunning redhead
    And he surely was stunned
    When his ample trust fund
    Was by her expeditiously bled.

  26. Craig says:

    I was thrilled on the day I was wed,
    As my bride down the aisle was led.
    I just can’t resist her,
    And since she’s my sister,
    We now can have breakfast inbred!

  27. Janet says:

    A fellow was planning to wed,
    Although a bit embarrassed, he said!
    “Margaret being her name,
    My mother’s name is the same,
    Will her pancakes be better in bed!”

  28. Veralynne says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    And the thought of it went to his head
    Drunk with excitement, he
    Was stiffened with frightment, see?
    The date was cancelled–he was dead!

  29. Janet says:

    A woman was planning to wed,
    At night she filled with dread,
    “What if he can’t accept,
    My house unkept!
    And moves back to his mother instead!

  30. Veralynne says:

    A bachelorette, planning to wed,
    Tripped on her dress, fell on her head.
    “She’s not the same!” Groom lamented
    “She’s crazy and downright demented!”
    What a time they had staying in bed.

  31. A fellow was planning to wed
    But was sadly found naked in bed
    With the mother of the bride,
    Along for a ride,
    So, for his own safety, he fled.

    A lady was planning to wed
    But bought a small puppy instead.
    “It’s cuddly and sweet,
    It’s very discrete,
    And adores me, as long as he’s fed.

    A fellow was planning to wed
    Practiced for his time in the bed
    By visiting scores
    Of big-breasted whores.
    But he never enjoyed it , he said.

    A Tasmanian was planning to wed
    His sister, the one with two heads.
    His father said, “Jack,
    She’s crap in the sack!”
    So he married his mother instead.

  32. A fellow wasn’t planning to wed
    When he drew a sweet lass to his bed
    But her father’s advice
    Was clear and concise:
    “Marry her, my boy, or you’re dead!”

  33. Diane Groothuis says:

    Santa Claus wanted to wed
    To have the “experience” in bed
    ” If you give me one chance
    To learn how to dance
    I’ll come down your chimney ” he said.

  34. Jesse Levy says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    the big monster under his bed.
    He got such a fright
    when it popped out one night.
    “I thought you were just in my head!”

  35. John Larkin says:

    A woman was planning to wed
    and visions of bliss filled her head.
    But it all came to naught
    when her lover was caught
    with the wife he’d neglected to shed.

  36. A fellow was planning to wed
    An English girl, straight from Hampstead
    “My darling, you see,
    “You’re my world, A to Z!”
    But she wanted a guy who said zed…

  37. I was working on this and getting nowhere with it, when my husband arrived, and came up with this:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A girl who was all in his head
    He thought, “No big deal
    if she is unreal,
    At least she won’t nag me in bed.”

    By Richard Schear

  38. A gal was planning to wed
    Thus in need of a marital bed
    Flirting in the bed store
    Realized her fiancé a bore
    Eloped with salesman Turn-On Ted

  39. A fellow was planning to wed
    Consummation did truly he dread
    His bride burned with fire so bright
    He feared that he very well might
    fail to get his faint-flicker-flame fed

  40. A gal was planning to wed
    Did not love but liked him instead
    Until he gave her a look
    That so smoldered and took
    She rolled down the aisle in a bed

  41. A gal was planning to wed
    What’s wrong with a nice guy instead
    “You know I’ve never been drawn
    to the big or the brawn
    “Besides, I love her mom” smiling she said.

  42. A gal was planning to wed
    Had no idea what she might do instead
    Thought she’d make a career wife
    Live a golden traveling life
    Translated end over end in bed

  43. A fellow was planning to wed
    Asked “Why not Anna? Why this one instead?”
    He told his mother
    That for him there was no one other
    And ran smiling to his waiting Fred

  44. A fellow was planning to wed
    The plain ill tempered Ellen O’Red
    They all wondered why
    Of this good looking guy
    Ignorant of her excellent head

  45. Fred says:

    A Fellow was planning to wed
    Or at least that’s what he’s often said
    But words can grow old and dry
    But she soon found out why
    When he slipped and said I love you Ted

  46. A fellow wasn’t planning to wed
    When he had a liaison, in the shed.
    But what altered his mind
    Was a moment defined
    By the shotgun, aimed at his head.

    A footballer was planning to wed
    Until the tabloids published a spread
    Showing him surprised,
    In a position, compromised
    With a spaniel, who was giving him head.

  47. Diane Groothuis says:

    A gambler was planning to wed
    Providing his number came up red
    When it came up black
    He could not hit the sack
    So he went and played pokies instead.

  48. Rachael says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    a gal to keep him well fed.
    But oops! Guess again
    She only “cooks” ramen,
    Each meal he now faces with dread.

    A young lass was planning to wed
    a boy who filled her parents with dread.
    So they hatched a great plan
    to be rid of the foul man:
    They gave her a year at Club Med

  49. Rich D says:

    A woman was planning to wed
    the nephew of Clampett comma Jed
    Jethro, her steed
    a total hayseed
    had cash money tucked in the bed

  50. Rich D says:

    A lady was hoping to wed
    her beau, whose nickname was “Bread”
    He sometimes would stutter
    unless she used butter
    spread on him before she gave head

  51. Rich D says:

    A woman was planning to wed
    a sax man whose stage name was Ned
    when sometimes a lick
    would not do the trick
    he’d work it out in the woodshed.

  52. Rich D says:

    A woman had finally wed
    her hockey man, Jean-Jacques Lantraid
    She thought he was was manly
    but worried when Stanley
    (the Cup) came to share in their bed.

  53. Bob Dvorak says:

    A fellow was planning to wed:
    “Let’s see London,” she lovingly said.
    But her honeymoon plans
    Didn’t mention his glands
    So he balked and went fishing instead.

  54. Rich D says:

    A woman was planning to wed-i
    a fellow who fancied himself Jed-i
    he whipped out his light saber
    and started to haver
    something about a Millennium Falcon red-eye

  55. Rich D says:

    A lady doc had just been wed
    and she was quite filled with dread
    this accomplished young surgeon
    was still quite a virgin
    and he had a huge scalpel in bed

  56. Rich D says:

    A fella was about to wed
    his fifth wife out at his homestead
    although he was old
    he thought it quite bold
    she’d marry such an old retread

  57. Diane Groothuis says:

    A librarian planning to wed
    Was naturally very well read
    When she had a book
    She forgot about nook
    And her boyfriend and all that he’d said

  58. A woman was planning to wed
    So placed an ad that really said
    ‘Seeking a good man
    To father my own clan
    Come ye, Ned, Ted or Jed!’

    A woman was planning to wed
    And bent upon planning ahead,
    Bought herself a gown
    All downy and brown
    Seeing which, all the grooms fled!

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A girl who was rich an’ well-bred
    But he found her so foolish
    And often very mulish
    So he married her best friend instead.

    A fellow was planning to wed
    In winter while riding a sled
    But the bride was hirsute
    Like an Alaskan malamute
    Now she leads him on his bobsled!

  59. Rich D says:

    A fellow just went and got wed
    to a gal who had followed The Dead
    She said that her moans
    were to Casey Jones
    but he thought it was Tennessee Jed.

  60. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A nonpartisan tandem:

    Gay couples who plan to be wed
    Have no right to, Mitt Romney has said—
    From down on his knees,
    The better to please
    While giving the Koch brothers head.

    Gay couples who plan to be wed
    Have my blessing, the President said.
    “The courage!” “What a saint!”
    “A fascist he ain’t!”
    … As his drones strike more innocents dead.

  61. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    The Patience of the Homophone

    A fellow was planning to wed …
    “Did he dare,” Eager Ed asks, “to tred
    Down the aisle, not malinger,
    Put the ring on her finger?”
    … I said he was planning to, Ed.

  62. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    “With this ‘ring’ I thee happily wed
    And will take thee forthwith to my bed—
    This ‘ring,’ you can tell,
    Is the opening bell,”
    The fat cat to the senator said.

  63. Linda Fuller says:

    A woman was nervous to wed
    A man with a nose cherry red.
    Was it booze? Inflammation?
    A freaky mutation?
    Or should he be pulling a sled?

  64. A Prince was planning to wed
    A Beauty who was sleeping, not dead.
    The result of a kiss
    Was a lifetime of bliss,
    Or that’s what the storybook said.

    (to be continued…)

  65. A woman was planning to wed
    when her fiance suddenly said
    ‘I’ve been told you’re a cheater
    by more than one tweeter, so
    I’ll go to your funeral instead.’

    (I tried) LOL

  66. Rich D says:

    A young lass was hoping to wed
    but couldn’t find room in her sched
    “I feel like a dope
    but we could elope
    in between meetings with Ted!”

  67. Bob Kennedy says:

    A female was planning to wed
    A stick-like young male, it was said.
    The hitch in her plan, ’tis
    A fact both were Mantis;
    She made a light snack of his head!

  68. Tom Hale says:

    A woman was planning to wed
    But also beginning to dread
    Monogamous life
    “One man and one wife?
    Or alternate best men instead?”

  69. brian miller says:

    a man who was planning to wed
    figured he’d try out the bed
    on it he laid
    in eros, dismayed
    thats what she said, when later they found him dead

    ok so i jacked up the last line but…smiles.

  70. Daniel Ari says:

    A woman intended to wed
    a woman. Conservatives said:
    “No legal permission
    for moral perdition!
    We think they’d be better off dead.”

  71. haha…your limerick cracked me up…LOVED it…

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A gal that was really well fed
    and they ate chips and fish
    everyday as a main dish
    and soon they were both overweight..

  72. ha ha ha ha- sooo funny….this had me LOLing…and i do’t think i should be saying LOL at my age…so good

  73. You crack me up!

    A fellow was planning to wed
    a fish that he brought to his bed
    said he to the she
    “it was your gills I was trying to free”
    and now you see, you soon will be dead”

  74. Mark Megson says:

    A woman who was planning to wed
    Her cat was deranged in the head
    But Mr Cuddles revolted
    At the altar he bolted
    So she married the church mouse instead

  75. Manicddaily says:

    Very very clever, Madeleine. I don’t have something now, but will think about it. K.

  76. A woman was planning to wed
    When she turned to her boyfriend and said,
    “It just makes me simmer, Rick,
    When a groom reads a Limerick,
    Would you please do a Clerihew instead?”

  77. Diane Groothuis says:

    A Mexican planning to wed
    Could not afford a big spread
    But I am a cool honcho
    Lets make do with my poncho
    And we’ll drink some tequilas in bed.

  78. Rachel says:

    Hehehehe. I always love coming over to read all the entries even if when I can’t manage to come up with my own. So many good ones today. :)

  79. The Royal Wedding

    A Prince was planning to wed
    A Beauty who was sleeping, not dead.
    The result of a kiss
    Was a lifetime of bliss,
    Or that’s what the storybooks said.


    but wait…

    We’re told the kiss awoke the Beauty
    In truth, the Prince’s breath was fruity.
    The Princess awoke
    Fearing she’d choke,
    But she agreed to marry him, out of duty.

    The wedding itself was a sight to behold,
    The royal couple, beautiful and bold.
    The footmen were mice
    And, cheap at the price,
    While the coach a pumpkin, made of gold.

    At the wedding, the guests gave a whoop
    And then photos were shot of the group
    But once they were gone
    The mice were moved on
    And the gold pumpkin was turned into soup.

    Time went by and life grew boring,
    The Princess turned her hand to restoring
    The castle and moat,
    Giving them a coat
    Of paint and then replacing the flooring.

    But when it came to nature’s call,
    The Princess had no love at all.
    She ignored his petition
    For some friendly coition
    And insisted he sleep down the hall.

    He finally realised what was ahead
    (And it truly filled him with a dread)
    When he awoke with fright
    In the middle of the night
    To find seven dwarfs asleep in his bed.

    “My dear”, he said, “I think it creepy
    (No, there’s no point getting weepy)
    I do not like the way,
    At the breaking of the day,
    I wake up Grumpy, feeling Sleepy.”

    The Princess accused him of being too mean
    So she packed and fled the scene.
    He can’s say he missed her,
    For he married her sister,
    Who was quite ugly but terribly keen.

  80. Diane Groothuis says:

    That Prince who managed to wed
    Married Rapunzel instead
    At least to be fair dear
    You let down your hair dear
    I’m sorry if I hurt your head.

  81. Johanna Richmond says:

    A man who was frantic to wed
    His rogue nether parts to his head
    Said, “My lord, must we jockey
    For lead, Mister Cocky?
    For god sake, lay low until bed!”

  82. Diane Groothuis says:

    An acrobat planning to wed
    Arrived at the Church on his head
    T’was unusual how
    He uttered his vow
    And the bride turned a few shades of red.

  83. Cara Holman says:

    A woman was planning to wed
    but the thought filled her only with dread
    so she called off the nups
    bought two poodle pups
    and became a dog breeder instead.

  84. Two zebras, planning to wed
    And keen to stay out of the red,
    Thought, “For colour pics why pay,
    When EVERYONE’S stripey?!”
    And booked black and white ones instead.

  85. Diane Groothuis says:

    A young man planning to wed
    Had his underwear fitted with lead
    And a modern Wifi phone
    To contact his home
    So the robot could turn down his bed.

  86. Diane Groothuis says:

    Jill was planning to wed
    A wonderful fellow named Ted
    She would walk down the aisle
    Wearing a huge smile
    Until she became {Oh no!) Jill-ted.

  87. Granny Smith says:

    Three chickens were planning to wed
    A lusty young Rhode Island Red.
    They’d be in his harem
    But that didn’t scare ’em.
    His charm? “Cock-adoodle,” they said.

  88. Rich D says:

    A young man about to be wed
    took a bullet in the head
    His last-minute tryst
    with his bride-to-be’s sist
    Her dad said he oughta be dead

  89. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman who wanted to wed
    With a boy who was boorishly bred,
    Though frequently stung
    By his unrefined tongue,
    Said nothing could beat it in bed.

  90. Rich D says:

    A young man about to be wed
    like his young ladies corn-fed
    I wouldn’t say she’s fat
    but it’s been said that
    she only says “Moo” in the bed!

  91. Rich D says:

    Two Bedrock kids once were wed
    and went promptly right into bed
    A ‘yabba dabba doo’
    right up her wazoo
    that is how Pebbles was bred

  92. Johanna Richmond says:

    Mister Romney will now try to wed
    Mainstream views to extreme things he’s said,
    But Ayn Randian mean
    Is a bitch to scrub clean;
    Aint no hosing that tea from his bed.

  93. Mark Kane says:

    A fellow was planning to wed,
    With an eye to his future in bed.
    Then he thought with a grin,
    Why not just live in sin?
    So he made her his mistress instead.

  94. Diane Groothuis says:

    Those zebras who actually wed
    Had black and white sheets on the bed
    Though she didn’t mind him
    She just couldn’t find him
    As he’d sneaked out sideways and fled.

  95. Rich D says:

    A couple was due to be wed
    at a Blackbeard Festival shed
    but the twister then came
    and noone could blame
    them both as they got up and fled
    Tornado Hits Hampton

  96. Sobbed our zebra, now planning to UNwed,
    “Should have heeded that horoscope I read!
    ‘Don’t marry a zebra
    Whose star sign is Libra,
    Better off with a Leo’, it said.”

  97. Diane Groothuis says:

    A Leo planning to wed
    Was looking at Zebras instead
    ” Or perhaps for a laugh
    I could try a giraffe
    I just need to get to his head.”

  98. Mr Hippo, planning to wed,
    Went to purchase a new water bed;
    “When a gal hippopotamus
    Wiggles her bottom, it’s
    Gotta be burst-proof!” he said.

  99. Diane Groothuis says:

    A sex therapist planning to wed
    Said I know all the things I have said
    When it comes down to me
    I only take 3
    At a time in my very small bed.

  100. Rich D says:

    While planning to rhyme words with wed
    I noticed an interesting thread
    As the week nears finality
    we’ve found bestiality
    Where next we shall go I may dread.

  101. Sara McNulty says:

    A fellow was planning to wed
    His child sweetheart, he said.
    Though she still loved him
    She towered above him,
    For now she was a he, instead.

    A woman was planning to wed
    In a gown of silk scarlet red.
    It doesn’t seem right
    For me to wear white
    We’ve already gone through one bed.

    A fellow was planning to wed
    A mail order bride, he said.
    She arrived by train
    It became quite plain
    Her photo was shopped; she had no street cred.

    A woman was planning to wed
    A dentist quite rich and well bred
    On their wedding
    She saw him at play
    Grabbing asses of bridesmaids, who fled.

  102. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone! It’s been a great week of limericks!

    This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 64.

    But you can still have fun with limericks because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Shooting The Breeze With Limericks.

  103. Cynthia Thompson says:

    Ah, what a miss! But the limericks are so amusing and funny! Your blog is now one of my favorites.